jgraham11 Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 So, recently I've started to wonder if women just don't like me for the most part or if I'm intimidating/off putting? The reason I'm wondering this is because I am told that I'm attractive (cute, hot) whatever by a decent amount of women. In fact, I work in a huge hotel and the most attractive girl in the hotel had a thing for me I just found out not long ago. This got me thinking though, why doesn't that happen more often? A little about me, I'm on the shy side, more quiet, very tall (6'4"), muscular/athletic (200lbs), buzz cut/shaved head and I think I have what's referred to as "resting bitch face". So I sometimes wonder if women are just intimidated by me too. Because when you put all those things together I just mentioned I can maybe see why women don't approach me all that much. I'll pass by women in work and say hi just to be friendly nothing more and I get very soft spoken responses, or sometimes they make awkward eye contact with me in passing never locking eye contact for more than a split second. Sometimes I don't even get a response at all. And as far as one of these girls i'm talking about saying Hi or how are you to me? Forget about it, seems like pulling teeth or something. They'd rather pretend they don't see me walking right past them Ultimately I just find it strange how some women (usually attractive ones) will find me attractive in some way, never say anything to me (usually telling a co-worker) OR like I mentioned above women being what seems to feel like hesitancy or awkwardness around me. Maybe I'm just overthinking this and I should just smile more often, I don't know With all that being said how do I change this? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 Yeah, I think they could find you intimidating. My advice is to work on your conversation skills beyond just saying "hi, how are you?" If that's all you're saying, you probably seem unavailable and/or standoffish. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgraham11 Posted February 17, 2018 Author Share Posted February 17, 2018 Yeah, I think they could find you intimidating. My advice is to work on your conversation skills beyond just saying "hi, how are you?" If that's all you're saying, you probably seem unavailable and/or standoffish. Yeah, I forgot to mention my social game isn't the greatest, so yeah I agree I need to work on that Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 First, you have to realize women rarely will make a first move. It's up to the guy. Secondly, if they are attracted to you that can cause them to clam up. Try to not be so shy and instead of saying hi introduce yourself and ask some questions about them. How do you like working here, did you hear about that crazy incident the other day, blah blah blah. They could be intimidated or they could like you. I've found most women who liked me were intimidated by me. Women cannot handle rejection like guys can which is why they rarely approach. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgraham11 Posted February 17, 2018 Author Share Posted February 17, 2018 First, you have to realize women rarely will make a first move. It's up to the guy. Secondly, if they are attracted to you that can cause them to clam up. Try to not be so shy and instead of saying hi introduce yourself and ask some questions about them. How do you like working here, did you hear about that crazy incident the other day, blah blah blah. They could be intimidated or they could like you. I've found most women who liked me were intimidated by me. Women cannot handle rejection like guys can which is why they rarely approach. I definitely hear you on woman not making the first move. The problem with me is that their attitude around me makes me think I shouldn't even bother. Cause it's either they're repulsed by me or it's the exact opposite. Funny how that works Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 I just mentioned I can maybe see why women don't approach me all that much. With all that being said how do I change this? First things first, don't date co-workers, especially if you like your job... This is a simple one, confidence. Women are attracted to confident men. Why are you waiting for them them to approach you?? You are the man, be the aggressor. You see an attractive woman (not at work) and she smiles or looks at you, go strike up a conversation. Some women flirt in inconspicuous ways, you'll learn to pick up on the little hints. And so what if your wrong, what have you lost. I can't tell you the number of times a woman told me "Not interested" when I approached her... No worries... NEXT!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 I definitely hear you on woman not making the first move. The problem with me is that their attitude around me makes me think I shouldn't even bother. Cause it's either they're repulsed by me or it's the exact opposite. Funny how that works Can you name an instance (or more) in your life that has caused you to think women are repulsed by you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgraham11 Posted February 17, 2018 Author Share Posted February 17, 2018 First things first, don't date co-workers, especially if you like your job... This is a simple one, confidence. Women are attracted to confident men. Why are you waiting for them them to approach you?? You are the man, be the aggressor. You see an attractive woman (not at work) and she smiles or looks at you, go strike up a conversation. Some women flirt in inconspicuous ways, you'll learn to pick up on the little hints. And so what if your wrong, what have you lost. I can't tell you the number of times a woman told me "Not interested" when I approached her... No worries... NEXT!! Work isn't a problem for me. I'm a contracted employee so it's easy for me to switch hotels. Plus, I know plenty of people who have met their wives/husbands at work. It's not a place I'll shut off just because of stigma or something like that. In fact I prefer it than meeting some girl at a club or something 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 I'm having trouble knowing where to go with this. Why do you only mention being friendly with female coworkers? Is it because you're already tight with the guys? Or are you wanting workplace romance and so only bother with the women? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgraham11 Posted February 17, 2018 Author Share Posted February 17, 2018 Can you name an instance (or more) in your life that has caused you to think women are repulsed by you? Repulsed was a strong word, so no. Just straight up disinterested would of been the better way to put it Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgraham11 Posted February 17, 2018 Author Share Posted February 17, 2018 I'm having trouble knowing where to go with this. Why do you only mention being friendly with female coworkers? Is it because you're already tight with the guys? Or are you wanting workplace romance and so only bother with the women? No I'm friendly with everyone there. I wouldn't be opposed to workplace romance with a couple of the women that work there, if I ever got to know them. It can be hard at work obviously since well.. we're working haha. I'm friendly with the guys of course, but it's that bro type of friendly. Talking sports, life in general all that stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 Repulsed was a strong word, so no. Just straight up disinterested would of been the better way to put it Then I'm sure they are not repulsed by you . Make a plan to approach one of the girls you're interested in with a specific thing to talk about. "So what did you do for the Super Bowl last night?" (obviously too late for that one) "Are you watching the Olympics at all? Did you see XXX last night??" "They gave me an extra coffee this morning at Starbucks....do you want it?" (This actually happened to me recently....not Starbucks, but similar story) "What's keeping you busy these days?" You might seem kinda scary even though you're not, with your stature and self described "face" . Good luck! ETA: Just saw you're from Boston.....substitute Dunkin' for Starbucks . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 ...substitute Dunkin' ... Now I want some Dunkin' Donuts coffee, thanks CO... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 I was intimidating (female) and had the severe face when young. Practice a broad wide friendly approachable smile. I didn't discover mine until I was nearly 30 and then it was like the magic wand. I found that if I stretched my mouth into a smile as wide as it would go, it was magnetic. Then I was about 50 when I discovered my eyebrows held some power too. If I raised both my eyebrows at the same time at someone, it opened my face up and made me look both friendly and interested. So study your facial expressions in a mirror. Looking approachable is the goal. I am intimidated by big serious looking guys. I imagine a lot of people are! Work on that smile. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 Well I think some girls will be disinterested in you/not want to talk to you.Seems normal to me. You said the exact opposite (high interest) often happens too. Also normal. If you’re expecting to be wanted by every girl you want you will prob be disappointed. Most women are particularly selective. You may not be their type, they may not like how you approached them, they may be attached to another guy and loyal. I never bought intimidation thing. Sure, I feel a lot better when i tell myself the cute guy who was checking me out all night at the bar when I was with my friends was just “intimidated” by me. But no. I’m a realist. I think what you are seeing is more just normal experience. Some people interest, some not. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 No I'm friendly with everyone there. I wouldn't be opposed to workplace romance with a couple of the women that work there, if I ever got to know them. It can be hard at work obviously since well.. we're working haha. I'm friendly with the guys of course, but it's that bro type of friendly. Talking sports, life in general all that stuff. Try that bro type friendly with the women. Just don't be crass 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgraham11 Posted February 17, 2018 Author Share Posted February 17, 2018 Try that bro type friendly with the women. Just don't be crass I recently started to wonder if I could pull that off. That'd make thing about 100x easier 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 Then I was about 50 when I discovered my eyebrows held some power too. LOL!!! I've always had a bit of a RBF and in college some of the boys called me "the ice queen" because of it (and I somehow had a reputation for saying no all the time when asked on dates, which was absolutely false because I was not asked out very often because of that rep). I'm actually an extremely warm person, so looks can be deceiving. I saw a Parkland teacher interviewed on the news two days ago, and his face was a resting happy face (his mouth naturally turned up) and it was very unnerving seeing him talk so "happily" about the mass shooting that just happened at his school..... Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 ^ Part of mine when young was just how I look, but I played it up too by maintaining a dark image. I mean, go with what you got, right? So it scared all but the most confident OR the most drunkest of men OR very often the most confident of men who were also drunk. Oh, I know, right? People who smile when talking about bad things. It is a reaction some of them just have or maybe their face is just cheery. I have actually seen Dr. Phil comment on it. It can be kind of a hysterical reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 Put aside romance for the moment, are females in general afraid of you? Think about little old ladies and little girls (children). Do they like you? If they don't, it's more than just a romantic attraction issue here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgraham11 Posted February 17, 2018 Author Share Posted February 17, 2018 (edited) Put aside romance for the moment, are females in general afraid of you? Think about little old ladies and little girls (children). Do they like you? If they don't, it's more than just a romantic attraction issue here. What do you mean? Meaning that maybe the attitude that I'm portraying may be a problem? That's what I've been afraid of is that I have a look that is "off putting". If I'm not laughing or smiling about something I can have a face that kind of sits a certain way that I worry is a little intimidating Old ladies don't seem to have a problem with me. Maybe a little bit, but nothing like what my peers do. Little kids are a little shy around me but I chalk that up to my size mostly. Like I said I'm 6'4" 200lbs with really wide shoulders and athletic. Little kids just seem to gawk at me most of the time. Edited February 17, 2018 by jgraham11 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 I recently started to wonder if I could pull that off. That'd make thing about 100x easier Great! I think that feeling at relaxed and at ease is the first hurdle to jump. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgraham11 Posted February 17, 2018 Author Share Posted February 17, 2018 Great! I think that feeling at relaxed and at ease is the first hurdle to jump. Agreed, I just started trying that type of super relaxed approach to striking up a conversation. It's going fine for now. Then again I've been trying it with women that I'm not particularly attracted to in anyway so it's not as much of a challenge 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wolf123 Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 you sound like an exact copy of me...same height, build, personality, and problems. i wish i could offer some advice but seriously if youre like me as i suspect, the hard truth is there are very few women who will be into you...the rest will do anything to avoid you. no one can intimidate or manipulate us real men but your type of girl...you just have to let them come to you when the time is right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgraham11 Posted February 17, 2018 Author Share Posted February 17, 2018 (edited) you sound like an exact copy of me...same height, build, personality, and problems. i wish i could offer some advice but seriously if youre like me as i suspect, the hard truth is there are very few women who will be into you...the rest will do anything to avoid you. no one can intimidate or manipulate us real men but your type of girl...you just have to let them come to you when the time is right. So you think that there's nobody that's into us? I don't know if I'm willing to go that far buddy haha Truthfully, in my personal opinion I think it's a blend of intimidation/attraction. Some women I think are intimidated by me without being attracted to me, while others may be intimidated by me while being attracted to me. The problem is trying to figure it out. I've very rarely come across women my age who aren't a little.. "hesitant" around me. Could be for a lot of reasons, some of which I may not even realize that don't have to do with intimidation or attraction. Could be for any reason at all Ultimately though that's the way I see it for women who seem intimidated. They can basically be intimidated for a variety of reasons. My goal in asking this question is to figure out ways to come off as less standoffish and to appear more approachable which I fear is my biggest problem. I just have a hard time with people almost coming off as rude in the workplace. Almost ignoring me. I mean when you're walking down a hallway and it's only you and one other person and you don't even acknowledge or say hi to the other person. What's up with that exactly? Are we that messed up socially that we can't even say hi to each other? I don't know just a major pet peeve of mine Edited February 17, 2018 by jgraham11 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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