Too controlling after 3 dates.

[dancingintherain12]

Been seeing an amazing guy and we have gone on three dates. First went well, no kiss, just a long dinner and talking. Our connection is amazing we can talk about literally anything. I have never connected so well with a man before ever. He’s a gentleman, has every single quality I’m looking for. But on date 3, I connected my phone to his car and on his dashboard my iMessages popped up. I’m a private person and we are not exclusive. But I started freaking out because I don’t want texts to pop up from another guy or my friend saying something private. Anyway I said that I have guys texting me and I don’t want him to get the wrong impression (WHY WOULD I SAY THAT- I talked out of my butt) I said it in a way where I was being honest and didn’t want him to worry or think badly of it. If that makes sense.

 

So everything was fine for 2 days, then all of a sudden he switched. He mentioned exclusivity on date 2 but he didn’t say it in a way where he asked. It was just “I want you to be mine” and I thought it was cute but it was too much too soon for me.

 

So fast forward he switched, he started saying he has girls hitting him up and wanting to date him, and that he’s a loyal person and he has doubts about us nkw because of the phone thing. That he likes to date one woman at once but if I’m gonna keep my options open that he isn’t gonna make me a priority. I want a relationship but I wanna take it slow and think things should happen in a naturally given time for things to progress to that point. And he started saying rude things like “you don’t know what you have till it’s gone.” He dismissed my apologies and I said I’m dating no one else and I like him. He told me words mean nothing to him and actions do.

 

I get how he’s feeling but it’s too much too soon . He’s questioning if im a loyal person when IM THE MOST LOYAL GIRL EVER. We’re not exclusive and we didn’t have that talk, we’re just getting to know each other. He said it’s in his value and morals to not date another person, which I said I respect but he’s painting me as a disloyal person because of the phone thing and because we’re not exclusive yet. He’s being highly insecure I’m trying to be compassionate but hes saying rude things like I want a girl to know what she wants and to be honest I’m having doubts about you and that aspect.

 

Am I wrong? Is he being overboard?

[dancingintherain12]

He said we can go out on dates and talk because we’re both traveling the same destination so he wants to see me. I am already on vacation and he’s coming to same town tomorrow for different reasons. On date 3, I said I want to go on a double date with my sister and her boyfriend. He said he’d love to. I didn’t invite him to a party prior our third date and I didn’t think he would wanna come, but on date 3 he said he would’ve and that’s when I suggested meeting my family and he was really excited to and seemed so happy I said that.

Then he messages me saying “ I don’t think we should hangout in groups and mix. We are not there yet, we could do one on one dates on vacation”

 

It’s like he’s punishing me.

[dancingintherain12]

MOs everything after the phone incident on the third date was fine. He said he just recently started thinking during his alone time. But we were kissing non stop after the phone thing and we were texting a day and half after our date and we were being so cute and fun via text. He has qualities I’m looking for but he’s expecting me to drop every guy for him to be exclusive when I don’t know him yet. I told him it has nothing to do with him and whether I wanna date other guys, but more that I have been hurt in the past and I need to take it slow. He’s insecure clearly about the phone otherwise I don’t think he’d mention the exclusivity thing in such a hostile way. I don’t like how he misjudged me and dismissed me, questioned my character and said he has weird vibes about me and his energy is always right.. I am a good big hearted caring person who wants love but there is a timing for everything. He said this all via text before my flight to my destination

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't continue seeing this man.

 

Red flags everywhere. You would be wise not to minimize or ignore them .

[guest569]

I think your comment would sting a bit but at least you're being honest. The way he reacted seems over the top but he's probably just disappointed that you're not on the same page so he's trying to manipulate you into exclusivity.

 

He said no to hanging out in groups etc. You want to take things slow so I thought it would be a good thing.? I would say jealous and a bit passive aggressive but I don't think he's overly controlling yet.

[LoverOfDance]

I think that sometimes, people make too much of a big deal out of the word "exclusivity". Exclusivity simply means to date one person at a time. Making the decision to be exclusive on the first, second or third date is NOT too soon. I feel that some posters on here make it seem like deciding to be exclusive early on is a bad thing.

 

Like i said before, exclusivity simply means to date one person at a time. Deciding this with your partner from the get go is not a bad thing. If one partner decides that they do not like how things are going, they can end things and move on to the next dating prospect.

 

You either multi-date or you date one person EXCLUSIVELY at a time. Exclusivity is NOT a serious thing. It simply means you're concentrating on one person at a time.

 

From what you have described, i'm not getting a good vibe from this man. However, you could also just be interpreting his words wrongly. I think you just need to give this time. Date him for a month or two and date no one else. If you still don't like the way he makes you feel, move on to the next guy.

[elaine567]

Some men do not do multi dating, they do not want to waste time money and effort on women who are texting, seeing, making out and sleeping with other guys.

There is also the "ick" factor.

 

As LoverOfDance says "exclusivity" does not mean you agree to marry him and have his children it just means you are only dating him and him alone.

It is no big deal.

If you cannot bear to stop talking, seeing or sleeping with random other guys then he is not the man for you.

[d0nnivain]

I don't see any red flags nor do I see him being controlling.

 

He doesn't multi-date. You apparently do. When he found out that he might not be the only guy you are seeing it hurt him so he pulled back. It's unfortunate that this came to a head over technology but now you know. Don't plug your phone into somebody else's car without asking if this will happen.

[dancingintherain12]

Thank you guys so much. I was being wrong here. I want to exclusively date him, it’s just the way he wrote me that just put me in defense mode. I will see him in person and talk it out, but I don’t like how he doubts me and us now about the phone thing. Like how am I supposed to win his trust :/ I’m a trustworthy person. Now he’s on his flight. I don’t know whether to call him or not when he lands or wait for him to come to me.

[d0nnivain]

I'm glad you are going to talk to him.

 

Turn it around a little bit. Explain that the display startled you & that you panicked not wanting too much disclosure. "Confess" that you had talked about the hot new guy in your life to your friends but you were worried that they may have sent a cringeworthy text or something.

 

Do say you are not dating others & that you only mentioned others because you didn't know if he was dating & you were trying not to pressure him.

 

If you reframe your apology / explanation around your vulnerabilities & be gracious about his reaction I think this is fixable.

[bathtub-row]

From the perspective of a guy, your comment about seeing others was about as bad as it gets. Not a great thing to say. However, that left him with a choice - either bow out or deal with it. Despite the comment, he’s handling it poorly and is showing you that he’s very insecure.

[Rockdad]

3 dates in and it sounds like a job to date this person. Heaven help you if you should make a real mistake in the future.

[smackie9]

This guy doesn't know you from Adam....so I don't blame him for his reaction. You knew your comment was going to sink you, so don't try and explain yourself. IMO there hardly anything invested enough to salvage this.

 

 

 

It's obvious he really is into you and probably hasn't met anyone that has this sort of connection with. That comment totally crushed him, and left him befuddled. That would explain his hurt. Oh well it is what it is.

[MaleIntuition]

You seem to have a tendency to jump from one polar conclusion to another: he is amazing, he is controlling, he is texting the exact amount of times, he isn’t showing enough interest, etc. The fact is that you hardly know him. 1-2 weeks and three dates is a very short and fragile bond.

[olivetree]

I think it's perfectly reasonable that he wants to date one person at a time.

But the way he is approaching would be a huge turn off.

 

Recap:

• he said has girls hitting him up and wanting to date him - bragging out of insecurity
  
• he said he’s a loyal person - it's like when someone says "I'm a good person", I tend to believe the opposite
  
• he said he has doubts about you two now because of the phone thing - manipulation
  
• he said you don’t know what you have till it’s gone - manipulation
  
• he dismissed your apologies - rude
  
• he told you words mean nothing to him and actions do - manipulation
  

 

He sounds manipulative and insecure to me.

This is way over the top after three dates.

I wouldn't date this man.

[dancingintherain12]

I think it's perfectly reasonable that he wants to date one person at a time.

But the way he is approaching would be a huge turn off.

 

Recap:

• he said has girls hitting him up and wanting to date him - bragging out of insecurity
  
• he said he’s a loyal person - it's like when someone says "I'm a good person", I tend to believe the opposite
  
• he said he has doubts about you two now because of the phone thing - manipulation
  
• he said you don’t know what you have till it’s gone - manipulation
  
• he dismissed your apologies - rude
  
• he told you words mean nothing to him and actions do - manipulation
  

 

He sounds manipulative and insecure to me.

This is way over the top after three dates.

I wouldn't date this man.

 

Thank you for seeing it the way I see it. Maybe controlling is the wrong word but yes manipulation. He said he has a huge line of girls waiting to date him and girls texting him and he knows I want to take it slow, so no we’re not exclusive and he doesn’t know whether that’s going behind someone’s back or not. Why is it that I’m the bad person with the phone thing but he doesn’t get any backlash for saying that? I never said I had a pool of guys waiting in line to date me.

 

I told him I’m not dating anyone else and I really like him. And that he’s not an option to me at all and I don’t want him to feel that way.

 

Then he wrote “Let’s just leave this alone I think I said what I needed to. We can talk about it again in the future if need be. ”

 

TOTALLY dismissing that I said I like him, there’s no one else, etc. then saying I give him bad energy ... I’m a trustworthy person but rather than him asking what I think of exclusivity he came to conclusions. I told him in person that I don’t want to meet other guys and play the field, that he’s amazing and I’ve never dated a guy like him (after the phone incident)

 

If he was my boyfriend and I freaked out over my phone I’d understand, but this was my third date with this man. I don’t mind dating one guy at a time, but I wanna get to know him first well enough before I drop every possibility or option I have.

[olivetree]

He also sounds like a huge hypocrite.

And him saying you give him bad energy? Wow.

This whole thing is now spoiled, and it didn't have to be.

 

I'd drop this man.

Next time, avoid giving compliments and reassurance after such bad behaviour as he will take it as you can be easily manipulated.

[dancingintherain12]

He also sounds like a huge hypocrite.

And him saying you give him bad energy? Wow.

This whole thing is now spoiled, and it didn't have to be.

 

I'd drop this man.

Next time, avoid giving compliments and reassurance after such bad behaviour as he will take it as you can be easily manipulated.

 

I KNOW.

it’s just so weird because the first 3 dates were the best I’ve ever connected with a man. He’s been so open to me about everything, wanted me to open up to him, and was super sweet and treated me like gold. Then everything was normal and something just out of no where switched!

 

He wrote : I told you loyalty is everything, and that whole phone episode gave me a twisted feeling. Not that you owe me anything but I trust my energy it’s what got me where I am in life.

 

Like ohh okay, so your energy is super right and I’m the bad person.

 

I texted him this morning to wish him a safe flight and he’s being so cold.

 

I know he is trying to manipulate a little.. and the fact he did this right over my vacation just ruined my whole mood.

 

Just the way he worded things to me hurt my feelings. And I told him that.

 

I don’t like how he says I’m looking for someone who knows what they want. What have I done to show that I don’t know what I want? Just because I want to take things slow? Some people just don’t like to be exclusive right off the bat, doesn’t mean they’re a bad or unloyal person.

[dancingintherain12]

He also sounds like a huge hypocrite.

And him saying you give him bad energy? Wow.

This whole thing is now spoiled, and it didn't have to be.

 

I'd drop this man.

Next time, avoid giving compliments and reassurance after such bad behaviour as he will take it as you can be easily manipulated.

 

I don’t like being painted as a unloyal person. Loyalty is super important to me. I’m sure no one here would like their integrity being questioned either. The thing that confuses me is that he could have said exclusivity is important to me because I know I’m not wasting my time with that person. Instead he paints it as a disloyal trait to take things slow.

 

I really would have gotten there, he really just spoiled the whole thing. The phone episode was dumb on my part, but I feel like he should’ve said “hey this has been bothering me, can we talk about it?”

[dancingintherain12]

also he says it’s in his values and morals to date one girl at a time.

He said he understands I’m not ready for anything and wants to get to know him.

Then he says if I’m not exclusive, he will date other girls too..

 

So wait, what? I thought it was within your values to date one girl at a time. Your VALUES don’t change on the basis of someone else’s decisions. So it was like he was manipulating me “either were exclusive or I’m dating the line of girls who are texting me/waiting to date me” and that just hurts

[olivetree]

also he says it’s in his values and morals to date one girl at a time.

He said he understands I’m not ready for anything and wants to get to know him.

Then he says if I’m not exclusive, he will date other girls too..

 

So wait, what? I thought it was within your values to date one girl at a time. Your VALUES don’t change on the basis of someone else’s decisions. So it was like he was manipulating me “either were exclusive or I’m dating the line of girls who are texting me/waiting to date me” and that just hurts

 

Something isn't right about this.

If he wanted to date only you, I think he'd take your offer of only seeing him and be happy with it.

Maybe he is using the phone thing as an excuse to date other girls.

 

What are you going to do?

[dancingintherain12]

Something isn't right about this.

If he wanted to date only you, I think he'd take your offer of only seeing him and be happy with it.

Maybe he is using the phone thing as an excuse to date other girls.

 

What are you going to do?

 

No I asked him! I said well since you’re saying this to me, I have to ask what you want. Do you want to date anyone else?

 

He said I want to date you. But I also value myself and am not going to be someone’s option. Like dude I’m just getting to know you, there’s no drastic investment yet. Like does he want me to drop everything and make him my priority because that’s what he wants? It’s not fair, relationships go both ways, what about what I want?

 

So that’s when I said I’m sorry and you’re the only person I’m dating right now and I really like you.

 

Then he goes Let’s just drop this. We can talk about it in the future if needed. Like how confusing is that? I’ve been texting him this morning, he was cold. I said have a safe flight he said “thank you” then I called and I said call me back? He said yeah I’m with two people. Then I’m like ok talk soon.

 

That’s it. He said actions mean everything to him, is this not actions?! I’m texting, calling, wanting to work it out, but all he’s doing is punishing me and I feel like the crazy one.

[Gaeta]

This guy is manipulative, rude and dismissing toward you. It's when we have a conflict with someone that we see their true face, drop this clown. You're lucky you're seeing this now and not 6 months down the road. He should have gotten over the phone incident already instead he's dragging it and milking it for all he can. He's done enough, drop him.

[LoverOfDance]

I honestly think we are all making a big deal out of this situation.

 

You barely even know this man and here we are having a 2 page conversation about him, lol, smh. Op, date him or don't. Don't think about this too much. If you like him and he makes you happy, date him. If not, move on. No need to over-think or over-discuss this.

[elaine567]

He's a man who does not multi-date and as he said he is not going to stick around to be one of many options. Which is fair enough, each to their own.

It is what it is.

You essentially ruined it for him with wanting to cling to your other options. Actions speak louder than words.

You are a multi-dater, he isn't, you are not compatible so move on.

End of.