Debating breaking up with gf of 9 months

[Nogan]

I think I've put a lot more effort than anyone should have into this relationship. My girlfriend and I knew each other for about a year and danced around sexual tension until that finally got broached and we started seeing each other. I was basically the one to push for anything past casual sex. Felt like I was pushing against emotional unavailability, but I'd found this girl fascinating for so long and she was there with me just enough that I couldn't help but see the light at the end of the tunnel. Like she liked me in spite of herself. I think we eventually got to a point of acceptance and resignation where she couldn't deny that we were effectively in a relationship despite her having maintained that she hadn't wanted one.

 

But, obviously, it's felt one sided and like she doesn't give much. We don't hold hands or engage each other much in public. I've had several friends say they wouldn't have known we were together if it hadn't been expressed. The stubbornness and independence was cute for a while, but I've grown tired of it. And as her schedule has tightened down between school and frequently working opposite schedules, I'm not enjoying feeling like her last priority anymore.

 

I've had other women express interest or give interested vibes throughout, and I've always nipped that in the bud. Sometimes it would tantalize me in the sort of way it would for anyone, but not in the sense where I felt like my relationship was in any danger. We never stop looking at other people or developing connections or crushes, for instance. But the longer this has gone on, the more those instances have slapped me in the face with the realization that she doesn't engage with me the way these other women have. The flirting, the laughing, the bright eyes, I don't get that from her. So it feels like something is missing.

 

A few weeks ago, I had a very attractive coworker get drunk at an outing. With our respective partners inside, she got this worried, serious look about her face and asked me to come out for a smoke. She proceeded to tell me that she was attracted to me and didn't know what to do about it. That she'd had sex dreams and felt dirty. Wasn't a pass, she seemed really distressed and frightened, so I explained that those feelings were normal and that indulging in fantasy was common even in committed relationships. That was that. I went back inside to my girlfriend, who continued to do her own thing in the corner and quietly watch as I shot pool with buddies and work friends. She'd wanted to go to a show instead, and only didn't because she decided not to get drunk. Not to like spend time with me or anything, even though we barely go out together anymore.

 

I didn't realize that scenario had resonated with me until I noticed I was looking at this woman differently at work and was feeling slightly drawn to her. I thought it might have just been physical attraction I hadn't paid attention to before, but I'm starting to think that maybe I'm craving something I'm not getting, that I'm lonely for the things I shouldn't be in a relationship. And while that happens in good relationships from time to time and they require work, I'm wondering if this one is worth that effort.

 

In the meantime, I haven't seen my girlfriend in a week. She was visiting a close friend out of town this past weekend and had to buckle down with school beforehand, so I was the expendable factor. I get this sounds like selfish whining, so while I realize a week is just a week and that I could be supportive, I feel like this has been the norm even when this hasn't been the case. I still care about her. I'm not going to get with this other woman. But I got shaken a bit here and it's made me question things a lot harder than I have before, namely, should I not leave myself open to partners who can better meet my needs? Is it not wrong to want someone who looks at me the way she and others have?

 

Curious about your input. And if I wind up talking to my girlfriend, is what happened with this woman to put my concerns into context something I even bring up?

[basil67]

The drunk coworker just made an epic pass at you. An unmistakable pass. I don't know if she just wants sex or more, but there it is. And it seems it worked.

 

It's time you made up your mind about your current girlfriend.

[Aussie90]

Hey,

 

 

From the sounds of it you want more out of the relationship, such as her showing you how she feels more and appreciating you more and wanting to spend more time with you etc. She does not seem like the type of girl who does that sort of thing however.

 

 

I think you need to think about if you are willing to stay in that sort of relationship long term, you will need to know if your GF is willing to maybe compromise and give you what you are looking for because if she is not, I do not think your feelings will change. I would have a honest talk with her and find out, this type of conversation is outside your comfort zone most likely but it may be the only way you will get the answers you seek.

 

 

I think seeing the attention from other woman has made you think what could be, hope this helps.

[d0nnivain]

You tried dating your GF. It was an uphill battle from the start & you now feel like your needs aren't being met. You seem unfulfilled & you clearly have other prospects.

[Interstellar]

“I think I’ve put a lot more effort than anyone should have into this relationship.”

 

I didn’t need to read further than that. You should’ve gotten rid of your girlfriend a long, long time ago. You wasted a lot of time and energy, and passed on some beautiful women along the way. When she comes back, tell her face to face that you’re done then ask your coworker out. Feelings won’t matter to your girl either way because she has has low interest.

 

Drop your girl.

[Curiousroxy86]

1. I think your gf been showing signs she didn't want a relationship but you didn't take heed. You wore her down and got what you wanted (her as your gf) but end up not getting what you really want (a gf who is interested in you inside of an exclusive relationship).

 

2. You should break up with her like yesterday. I wouldn't bring up the other girl thats petty and unnecessary. I would just say "I can't be in a relationship with a girlfriend who acts like she doesn't care it's over between us" then move on.

 

3. Next girl you choose to pursue for a relationship make sure they show interest in you and return your advances and affections and who wants a relationship when you ask.

[ExpatInItaly]

By the sounds of it, your girlfriend has never been all that into you but you ignored that and tried to pursue a relationship anyway. You're seeing now why that approach doesn't work. She can't pretend to want to be your girlfriend when it's not really what she wants.

 

I would end it. I don't see a point in talking it out when you two have never really been on solid ground or had the connection you seek. She has been telling you and showing you she doesn't want to be a couple. What is there to save here, exactly?

 

You tried, and it didn't work. I wouldn't waste any more of your time. Let her go so you can be free to pursue someone else who does reciprocate your interest, be it this colleague or another woman.

[BaileyB]

Relationships are hard enough without having to convince the girl she should date you....

 

Your girl never wanted to date you. She is giving you every indication that she is not into this... do with that what you may...

Edited March 4, 2019 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

This has been going on for 6 months with your GF...what the hell do you see in her? From what you posted I can't get my head around why you have gone to such lengths to have a relationship with her when she barely gives you the time of day.

[Gretchen12]

It helps to be clear with yourself about what you're looking for and what you need. That way you know who can give you that and what to ask for.

There is the committed relationship (loyalty, love, partnership, caring, want the best for you), there's also the desire (lust, can't get enough of you, thinks you are so hot) which you can have without a relationship.

That woman who made a pass at you was offering the latter. It makes you feel wanted, attractive. Is that what is lacking from your gf? Often if there is sexual tension to start and your gf slept with you, that means she does find you attractive. Was she more expressive when you first had sex and then she lost interest? Were there other problems?

I see no one is offering you a committed relationship at the moment, because if your gf is a true partner she would not neglect your feelings (assuming you have talked to her about how you feel). The other women giving you attention stroke your ego, but it does not a relationship make.

If you want attention, you can get back to dating. You get the most attention in the beginning, you have sex, but it ends unless you're compatible. You call this girl your gf but is this not an extended hookup or fwb?

[BJP1991]

Sorry to hear this, man. Always rough when things come to this.

 

Keep in mind that you must put yourself as the priority here. Clearly, she has shown to you that YOU are far from her priority, and this on top of all the other ****ty actions she has thrown at you culminate in one outcome, which might not be easy to hear/know.

 

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and are aware you deserve to be treated better; because you do. I do. Everyone does.

 

Every man or woman out there deserves a compatible woman/man who is a "perfect 10 in their own eyes". Sadly, she is not your perfect 10 - and you know this, by now, hence why you posted here.

 

This is the moment of just letting go - it is time to break up with her. However, when you do walk away from her, say your part, walk away, and MEAN IT. No crawling back to her in x-weeks/months because that will only reassure her that the ****ty type behavior she had while you were dating is acceptable and you will tolerate it, which you will not.

 

Sincerely wish you the best of luck - times are hard, but at least you are in the driver's seat here and know where you need to steer YOUR ship.

[preraph]

I wouldn't go running to the unethical coworker. It's the classic offering of sex when you know someone is taken, and it's pretty lowdown.

 

But if you feel the relationship is one-sided, by all means get out. Just get out before you start sleeping with women. No reason to make it antagonistic by doing something unethical.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

She is def not worth your time even if you feel like fighting for her. In the past I have tried forcing a relationship w/someone who didn't want one. I was emotionally unfulfilled and despite convincing me he wanted to date me, the guy never acted like he truly wanted me. Much better to have a partner who wants you 100%.

[mark clemson]

Consider researching Avoidant Attachment Style on the internet. Not sure if your GF's the right type for you (sounds like she's not).

 

The other one may be sincere, may be making a pass, or may be playing mind games. Hard to know for sure.

 

Lots of good insight in the posts above. Agree with the advice about breaking it off with GF (if you're going to do that) before moving on. Just the decent thing to do.