Is this consider cheating?

[BetrayedLady]

Can anyone tell me if you would consider this cheating?

 

A woman accidentally bumps into an ex b/f from the past during a night's hang-out with female friends. The ex never stopped loving her even though she has long moved on and already has a boyfriend (he knows she's taken). They both get drunk, hugged each other and start explaining about their special moments as well as why the break-up occurred to the point both are crying.

 

There was never kissing nor sex. They just got a bit carry away in the conversation but they'll probably not see each other again for several months.

 

Is that consider cheating?

Edited February 14, 2010 by BetrayedLady

[Bryanp]

I am just curious how you would feel if your current boyfriend did the same thing with his former girlfriend at a night out with his friends?

[BetrayedLady]

I am just curious how you would feel if your current boyfriend did the same thing with his former girlfriend at a night out with his friends?

I would dumped him immediately. If this happened then it would be an easy break-up. He cheated on me last year way back on Dec. 20, which I caught him but we have worked it out.

I just got a bit caught up in the moment. That was all but see he was such a sweet guy that I nearly wanted to melt. I couldn't believe he still thought about me after all these years. I was the dumper and he still loves me.

I know we will be less likely to see each other each as he's on another state. However, he gave me his facebook sn.

 

Seriously did I cheated now?

[Joe Normal]

IMO this is not cheating but it's awfully close. I would say if you do it more than once, it is definitely cheating (emotional affair). But since you didn't kiss, I'd just say right now it's borderline.

 

Still, you should admit it to your partner - if it's not cheating, you should admit it (nothing to hide); if it is cheating, you should admit it (coming clean).

[carhill]

IMO, if the encounter was disclosed and transparent, and the primary relationship was otherwise prioritized, I would have no concerns. It is possible, and often happens, that one or both parties 'never stop loving' the other but the relationship ends because it is unhealthy and they both know it. I can clearly see that getting divorced, as well as remembering back to the times of interacting with my stbx's exH, who went on to marry someone else. Ending a marriage doesn't erase all the important and wonderful memories of spending your life with someone, or how such memories could impact an interaction. As long as everyone accepts it as a slideshow of the past and not the present, which is prioritized with someone else, life's too short to nitpick. If the woman wants to be with that past BF/ExH and vice-versa, no amount of territorial behavior will stop it. Accept it. Do what's healthiest for yourself.

Edited February 14, 2010 by carhill

[Ronni_W]

Is that consider cheating?

BL,

Since YOU would consider it cheating if your b/f did it then, yes, FOR YOU it is cheating. It's a value judgment, and your own values say it is cheating.

(About this) You appear to be prepared to hold your partner to a higher standard than you're willing to hold yourself accountable -- are you certain that is a good strategy for the long-term success of your relationship?

 

For myself (my own values), no, I do not consider it cheating. And I would not disclose anything to my partner because, for me, there would be nothing of significance to report and no threat to my primary relationship.

OTOH, if I was angst-ing over it then I'd take it to my therapist, and try to figure out what, if anything, is the significance before I dump it all on my partner.

[BetrayedLady]

BL,

Since YOU would consider it cheating if your b/f did it then, yes, FOR YOU it is cheating. It's a value judgment, and your own values say it is cheating.

(About this) You appear to be prepared to hold your partner to a higher standard than you're willing to hold yourself accountable -- are you certain that is a good strategy for the long-term success of your relationship?

The reason I would break up with him if he did this is because he already cheated last year towards the end of 2008. This would mean that all the effort he put in and everything that's been worked-out is thrown in the garbage and there's nothing anymore than back to my initial reaction of when I found out. If he wouldn't have cheated then, I might not consider this something worth breaking up. That's the difference.

 

The one part I'm feeling some guilt is I can't stop thinking about my ex and that wonderful night we talked about our feelings and basically the whole relationship we once had. I know we were drunk and as a result, our emotions got in the way but ever since that, I have been thinking about it almost the whole day to the point my mind is away sometimes. He's been trying hard to regain my trust and is always there for me (always calls me to let me know where he is, has long ago given me access to all his accounts) while I'm busy thinking about my ex. Wish there was something to get him off my mind but I can't stop thinking about him. He was a wonderful man. I'm finding myself wondering how life would have been if we were still together. As an update, we both have facebook and he accepted my friendship there.

[Bejita463]

The reason I would break up with him if he did this is because he already cheated last year towards the end of 2008.

 

Not relevant. If it is not okay for him, it is not okay for you.

[BetrayedLady]

Not relevant. If it is not okay for him, it is not okay for you.

I know that and ever since that event, I have been ignoring some calls and rejected intimacy lately. My b/f thinks it's due to his prior cheating and has been trying hard since but is unaware it's mainly because of that night.

 

I want to stop thinking about my ex but somehow it's difficult. I feel as if I've brought back to life.

[Bejita463]

You realize you are punishing him for something you did, right? That whole communicating thing that couples have been known to do seems like it might be useful here.

[You'reasian]

I would dumped him immediately. If this happened then it would be an easy break-up. He cheated on me last year way back on Dec. 20, which I caught him but we have worked it out.

I just got a bit caught up in the moment. That was all but see he was such a sweet guy that I nearly wanted to melt. I couldn't believe he still thought about me after all these years. I was the dumper and he still loves me.

I know we will be less likely to see each other each as he's on another state. However, he gave me his facebook sn.

 

Seriously did I cheated now?

 

Its you again! lol

[BetrayedLady]

Its you again! lol

That's right it's me again from way back. The only difference is this time is I should focus on my relationship than my ex. He's on facebook now and we're chatting about that night.

[BetrayedLady]

You realize you are punishing him for something you did, right? That whole communicating thing that couples have been known to do seems like it might be useful here.

Right now I'm writing to two people at once (my ex on facebook and this forum).

I understand communicating is the key to success in a relationship but how would you feel if you were my b/f and I told you about the night I spend with my ex and how I can't stop thinking about him. Our conversation wasn't on a platonic level but it was deep (it covered almost all the aspect in our former relationship, even the intimacy part).

[seibert253]

You're getting ready to slide down a slippery slope here with reinitiating contact with your Ex. I don't have to tell your where this may lead, I'm sure you already know.

 

You have to make a choice:

1. Pursue a relationship with you Ex

2. Be honest with your current BF and work to make this relationship stronger

 

With the way you're feeling, I doubt you can keep your contact with your Ex on a purely platonic level.

 

If you want to pursue this, then be honest with your current BF, tell him this, and break it off. You at least owe him that much respect.

 

If you want to retain your current BF, and even grow closer, then tell him what happened. IMO you did not cheat, but future events will probably lead to infidelity. Yeah he will be hurt, but in the end he will respect you for being honest.

 

I can't emphesize this enough, if you continue contact with your Ex, you will end up doing something you regret. Please don't fall to the level that your boyfriend did not too long ago.

[Bejita463]

how would you feel if you were my b/f and I told you about the night I spend with my ex and how I can't stop thinking about him.

 

This is how I'd feel about it, were I your guy.

That kind of honesty would be a refreshing change from what I am used to having done to me. What I am used to having done to me is the road you are traveling down so that you can do to your guy.

 

What are you talking with your ex about it for? Let me spoil the surprise: It is likely he wants to doink you. It is likely your guy would prefer that this not happen. Considering this, there is a logical choice to be made regarding which one (one, not both) you should be discussing it with. Whichever one you choose is the one who you care about more.

[txsilkysmoothe]

I wouldn't consider it cheating but the reason both parties felt inclined to take this stroll down memory lane may be a concern.

 

I wouldn't mind getting some 'closure" from a couple of past relationships of my own so I can understand the talk, but what you're describing sounds more like "two" people who still have feelings for one another. It is never wise to hug a man who still has feelings for you or to indulge his desire to talk to you or to reminisce. Most women know this, so why would a woman do this?

[meerkat stew]

I don't consider it cheating, feeling a singular moment of emotion or nostalgia with an ex is not cheating. A pattern of same would be.

[BetrayedLady]

You're getting ready to slide down a slippery slope here with reinitiating contact with your Ex. I don't have to tell your where this may lead, I'm sure you already know.

I admit it was getting a bit out of control. For instance, today when we were chatting on facebook, he asked if I had yahoo im. Afterwards, we proceeded to chatting on yahoo. Though when we were chatting, it included some sexual content (we were describing our relationship and those times he would make me have multiple orgasm, etc.). I realized this was getting out of hand when he appear to be masturbating on his cam. I almost was tempted to open my cam as well but managed to stop. I told him it was going to far and couldn't be doing this. He understood but at the end, he told that if I ever broke up with my b/f, he'll always be there waiting for me. What I do have to admit is I got turned on when I watched him jerk off. I used to have multiple orgasms with him all the time (unlike my b/f).

You have to make a choice:

1. Pursue a relationship with you Ex

2. Be honest with your current BF and work to make this relationship stronger

Yes I want my relationship to get stronger.

With the way you're feeling, I doubt you can keep your contact with your Ex on a purely platonic level.

I realized it will not work out so in the end I may have to go back to NC. I was almost tempted to

If you want to pursue this, then be honest with your current BF, tell him this, and break it off. You at least owe him that much respect.

I don't love my ex but it was mainly the heat of the moment or maybe there are some sparks left (but not love).

If you want to retain your current BF, and even grow closer, then tell him what happened. IMO you did not cheat, but future events will probably lead to infidelity. Yeah he will be hurt, but in the end he will respect you for being honest.

That's what I'm planning too but I'll need about 2-5 to sort this out.

I can't emphesize this enough, if you continue contact with your Ex, you will end up doing something you regret. Please don't fall to the level that your boyfriend did not too long ago.

I'm going to be honest about it. Though now I'm not sure if I should tell him about the part of how today I was turned on when I saw him jerking off on cam (though I did told him to stop right away) or how I was almost tempted to open my cam.

[BetrayedLady]

What are you talking with your ex about it for?Let me spoil the surprise: It is likely he wants to doink you.

We have talked about our whole former relationship (it was mainly sexual context). He wanted to have cam sex with me today until I said no. I realized it was a terrible idea keeping in contact with him. The ending of our conversation was he telling he'll always be there for me if I want to come back.

It is likely your guy would prefer that this not happen. Considering this, there is a logical choice to be made regarding which one (one, not both) you should be discussing it with. Whichever one you choose is the one who you care about more.

I'm ready to be honest about it within a few days from now. I need to sort this out.

[FryFish]

Hmm... I would be totally pissed off. You seem to have boundary issues and having issues with boundaries is what leads one to cheat "on accident". If you want your current relationship to work then you need to tell your boyfriend everything and you need to go completely no contact with your ex at this point.

[BetrayedLady]

Hmm... I would be totally pissed off. You seem to have boundary issues and having issues with boundaries is what leads one to cheat "on accident". If you want your current relationship to work then you need to tell your boyfriend everything and you need to go completely no contact with your ex at this point.

I'm already feeling guilty. Is this how most relationships go? Temptations at some point that it's hard for one not to have those urges?

I believed this was how it started with my b/f 14 months ago until discovery day on Dec. 20 2008.

Now thing is he's been a great b/f ever since while I haven't been myself lately. To make matter worst during intimacy with b/f, I would be turn-on by the thoughts of doing it with my ex.

I know this would be an insult to any man which is why maybe that part is better unsaid.

[SoulStorm]

Right now I'm writing to two people at once (my ex on facebook and this forum).

I understand communicating is the key to success in a relationship but how would you feel if you were my b/f and I told you about the night I spend with my ex and how I can't stop thinking about him. Our conversation wasn't on a platonic level but it was deep (it covered almost all the aspect in our former relationship, even the intimacy part).

 

You know what? You are already cheating. your heart and mind is elsewhere. you are saving your mushy sweet side for your ex and the bitter lemons for your current boyfriend. Probably justifying it by his former cheating. You "deserve" this. Nope.

If you are trying to reconcile with your bf..you are sabotaging it. if you have to ask if it's cheating, you already know the answer. Don't try to minimize it. You are already chatting him up on FB..won't be long before the doinking comes at this pace.

If you don't want your bf..at least be a lady and break up with him before you become as low as he once was and cheat (more).

Edited February 15, 2010 by SoulStorm

[bluestraps]

No its not cheating , now if one kissed in the romantic way, not a kiss on cheek or kiss on lips like a peck , If they both wanted it then that is cheating . I should know I just went through this situation.

[Bejita463]

No its not cheating , now if one kissed in the romantic way, not a kiss on cheek or kiss on lips like a peck , If they both wanted it then that is cheating . I should know I just went through this situation.

 

You went through a situation where an ex started talking with you about previous intimate times, and then subsequently made attempts to doink you again, and you were not unreceptive to those advances, and that's not cheating?

 

Perhaps not, depending on your point of view. If it is not, it is close enough as makes no significant difference.

[meerkat stew]

For instance, today when we were chatting on facebook, he asked if I had yahoo im. Afterwards, we proceeded to chatting on yahoo. Though when we were chatting, it included some sexual content (we were describing our relationship and those times he would make me have multiple orgasm, etc.). I realized this was getting out of hand when he appear to be masturbating on his cam.

 

You are now engaging in a pattern of cheating behavior, and have crossed the line. You are no different and no better than the man who cheated on you if you allow this to continue.