Is my jealousy justified?

[simplessimon]

I’ve been with my gf for 4 years. I am having real troubles with jealousy at the moment and I’m not sure whether it’s justified. I’m not even sure what it would be considered, is it cheating? Is it harmless?

 

I’ll be as brief as I can. My gf is an actress, nothing major, she has done a few independent films. Her current one requires her to “kiss” a bunch of people (5 guys and 2 girls) and “make love” to one guy in a few different scenes. It’s not a porno, not even close, it sort of an artsy flick.

 

Anyway the kisses are just flashback sequences so it’s just a kiss with these people and that’s the whole scene. It’s the lovemaking scene that I am having trouble dealing with. Both her and the guy have pants on and the sheets are over them so it’s all good from that respect but it’s the really passionate kissing and licking of her nipples that I took exception to. At one stage he asked to stop the scene because my gf was on top and pretend grinding on him and he was about to ejaculate. Of course everyone made a big joke about it but it wasn’t funny to me. I can’t believe he had an erection (even if it was inside his pants) and yet my gf just kept on grinding into him, that just doesn’t seem right.

 

They have a scene coming up on the beach so my gf will just be in a bikini bottom and him in shorts. It seems that they are getting even closer to the real thing.

 

I have mentioned this to my gf and she is devastated and said she would quit the film or demand they rewrite the scenes. I am grateful that she cared enough for me to offer these solutions but I am asking too much? Hollywood actors/actresses do scenes like this all the time and seem to be able to cope with it.

 

I had a scene in her last movie and in it I had to kiss two girls. My gf hasn’t even said anything other than a compliment that it was a great scene. When I think back to that I feel rather hypocritical even having the feelings I have about her scenes. Although hers do go a whole lot further.

 

I really don’t know if I even have a question. Any advice or comments welcome.

[Leigh 87]

Why do you think Hollywood relationships seldom last?

 

They grind on beautiful, sexy people ALL of the time.

 

Someone is bound to catch feelings at some point when you are on film set all day for days at a time, grinding half naked.....

 

If she is REALLY passionate and needs to continue, I think you can make it work, but there is always the added risk there; doesn't mean she is much more likely to leave you, but it does raise the risk/odds of her falling for someone else.

[Leigh 87]

I may add....

 

Even when you are madly in love, you will come across other people who you have strong chemistry with and, if you were single, would likely date.

 

It is easy for me to just walk away from such men; for an actress, it would be harder to be FORCED to play a sex scene with a guy who she had very strong chemistry with and who she would otherwise have dated if she were single.....

 

The good news is, it is rare to find people who you fall head over heels for on the first or third meeting.... She is likely to merely meet a few guys during her career who she has chemistry with, and that is all.

[lolablue17]

Some of us can survive being a spouse of an actress\actor, and some of us DONT!

 

If you want to be a spouse of an actress, that's the price you need to pay. What you can try to do is set boundries agreed by both of you like:

 

full frontal nude Y\N, topless Y\N, How far can she touch the guy, How far can he touch her and so, and so... by that you wouldt be surprised all the time.

 

But you see, boundries can be flexible, or maybe she will get a real good promising part in a promising film that she will tell you that she is going to break those boundries because its a special case bla bla bla...

 

So, back to square one - its tough to be an actress's spouse... I feel sorry for you... My wife used to be an actress when she was young and we manage to survive only because her career didnt go well...

 

But hey... if you survived a guy licking your girlfriend nipples, and your girlfriend grinding her vagina on his penis until he almost ejaculated, maybe you're the type guy who CAN have a girlfriend as an actress. What could possibly be worse in the beach scene?? Its a public place.

 

(Sorry for my poor english)

Edited March 3, 2014 by lolablue17

[Chi townD]

Yeah, when push comes to shove, she's not going to quit the movie for you or demand a rewrite. She's just starting to break into the business with a few Indy's under her belt. She's not well know enough to make such demands.

 

 

I mean, she had to audition for the part. Therefore, she had to have known what it would have included. But, she took it anyways.

 

 

Personally, if it were me, I wouldn't even see the movie. Out of sight, out of mind. I would have a hard enough time watching my girl kiss another guy nevermind a sex scene. Trust me, if the situation was reversed and you had a love scene where you were laying on top of a naked girl and having simulated sex, I don't think your girl would appreciate the "art" of the scene. She'd be a little upset too.

[Candy_Pants]

Being an actor involves acting. They don't write the scripts. And generally they'll take whatever is handed to them if they're a no-name actor. That includes nudity, simulated sex, etc.

 

Either you can handle this, or you can't. Personally I don't think I could. But I would know that *before* I got into a relationship with an actor.

[lolablue17]

When my wife was a young actress and we had fights about her love, kissing and making out scenes on films or theatre, She raised a few “good” (hypocrite) arguments. Here are her claims:

 

Claim 1: “It’s nothing, it’s only a job”!

 

My reply: Also an escort girl that sleeping with clients, it’s only a JOB for her… Would you like me to be a porn actor? “It’s just a job” isn’t it?

 

Claim 2: I made out with him (guy actor) but I love you – he means nothing to me, I don’t care about him!

 

My reply: OK, so I will go tonight to a bar, hit on a girl and **** her to her bones. I can assure you, she will mean nothing to me and I love you, not her…

 

Claim 3 : (that’s the most hypocrite argument): It’s not me kissing that guy, it’s my character kissing him. If my role is a serial killer, will you be afraid to sleep near me at night?????!!!! UUUGHHH

 

My reply: “What’s the name of the character played by Sharon stone in the movie Basic Instinct? Ah, you don’t remember… (we saw that movie 6 month before that)… Well, nobody remembers, but everybody will testify they watched Sharon stone’s pussy, not the character pussy…

Also – If your role demand’s you to eat a hamburger during the play (Real eating, not simulated), So if I take you to dinner after the show you will be very VERY hungry, right?? Because THE CHARACTER ATE HAMBURGER! NOT YOU!! HAHAHAHAHA

 

Claim 4: “From outside you think it’s passionate, but for me It’s apathetic and technical”.

 

My reply: When you did the crying scene in your last short film you said to everyone that it came from the bottom of your heart. When you did the rage scene you told us that you were connected to your inner anger and rage. So how comes in the most intimate scene in the book – the love scene - you say its apathetic and technical??!! BS – give me a break… You are totally in the scene, physically and emotionally.

Edited March 3, 2014 by lolablue17

[Chi townD]

^^^^^ ALL GOOD POINTS! Never thought of it that way. But, you're absolutely right. ^^^^^^

[HomanWater]

Sounds like there is amount of BS coupled with dating an actress.

 

Either you accept that BS as part of experience or just refuse to date actresses. I'd go with the latter, but that's just me.

[Lixxy]

I had a scene in her last movie and in it I had to kiss two girls. My gf hasn’t even said anything other than a compliment that it was a great scene. When I think back to that I feel rather hypocritical even having the feelings I have about her scenes.

 

How did you feel during the scene where you kissed those girls?

 

Were you aroused?

 

Could it be that you actually did feel aroused during that? And that you are projecting your feelings onto her (i.e. "I felt aroused during that kissing scene, therefore she must feel the same as me when she does with others!"?)

[Chi townD]

How did you feel during the scene where you kissed those girls?

 

Were you aroused?

 

Could it be that you actually did feel aroused during that? And that you are projecting your feelings onto her (i.e. "I felt aroused during that kissing scene, therefore she must feel the same as me when she does with others!"?)

 

 

 

Well, considering that she confessed to her boyfriend that she was grinding on this guy pretty much naked and they had to stop because the guy was about to bust a nut. I venture to say that the scene must have been pretty hot and heavy in order to invoke THAT kind of response even with a crew standing around and filming it.

 

 

At least, that's what I took away from it. Can't speak for the OP.

[simplessimon]

Thanks for all the replies. Looks like the common vibe is that if I want to stay with her I just have to suck it up.

 

Yeah, when push comes to shove, she's not going to quit the movie for you or demand a rewrite. She's just starting to break into the business with a few Indy's under her belt. She's not well know enough to make such demands.

 

 

I mean, she had to audition for the part. Therefore, she had to have known what it would have included. But, she took it anyways.

 

Just to clarify that point. She is doing these movies more as a hobby I guess you would call it. She is at university studying a completely unrelated course. Her best friend is just starting out in the industry and has made about 6 short films of varying success. My gf has acted in 4 of them but there has never been any auditions or anything like that.

 

So demanding changes or dropping out is not a huge deal. I am sure if she said her relationship was on the line then her best friend would be more than happy to change things. I just feel like a bit of a loser asking for these changes.

 

My reply: When you did the crying scene in your last short film you said to everyone that it came from the bottom of your heart. When you did the rage scene you told us that you were connected to your inner anger and rage. So how comes in the most intimate scene in the book – the love scene - you say its apathetic and technical??!! BS – give me a break… You are totally in the scene, physically and emotionally.

 

 

My gf has never denied being "into" the scenes she is acting out. She has only said that I was fully aware and fully supportive which is entirely true. It's just now, after seeing them on set that it all hits home how real it is.

 

To my gf's credit, she says she totally understands, says I am more important than anything else and has offered to stop if that's what I want. One one hand I do want her to stop but I'm not sure whether they are just meaningless jealous feelings that will pass or whether they are real bonafide feelings.

 

How did you feel during the scene where you kissed those girls?

 

Were you aroused?

 

Could it be that you actually did feel aroused during that? And that you are projecting your feelings onto her (i.e. "I felt aroused during that kissing scene, therefore she must feel the same as me when she does with others!"?)

 

That's a good point and without trying to sound like i'm brushing it off, I really don't know.

 

The best I can describe it is that at first I was really nervous, kissing another girl with my gf a few meters away was hard. Then after a few more takes and different angles I did start to enjoy it, I wouldn't say I was aroused but the kissing was nice. After a few more takes it was just plain boring, I just wanted it to be over.

 

Now if I project those feelings to my gf then I have nothing to worry about and no need to ask her to stop or change things. That's easily said but when she's sitting their topless talking to the director and then the next minute has her tongue down a guys throat and the the next minute is having simulated sex with him it's not so easy to do.

 

I venture to say that the scene must have been pretty hot and heavy in order to invoke THAT kind of response even with a crew standing around and filming it.

 

I wasn't really that hot. They both had sweat pants on, and were just acting out the motions of sex under a sheet. The most offensive part to me is that once he had an erection (which my gf obviously would have known) she just kept going. That erection was pseudo penetrating her and she was enjoying it. She doesn't deny any of that but has apologized.

 

------

 

I am thinking of letting it all go until the end of this film and then pretty much asking her to stop the sex scenes. The kissing I can deal with so no need to stop that. That's not being unreasonable is it?

[lolablue17]

Do you think he beach scene is worse (from your point of view) than the scene you've already seen on the set?

[BeholdtheMan]

I really don’t know if I even have a question. Any advice or comments welcome.

 

If you really can't handle the things she does while acting, I would recommend ending the relationship amicably.

 

Her offer to quit or demand re-writes is probably hollow. I doubt she'd follow through. Even if she were to follow through, she'd likely end up resenting you.

 

It takes a special kind of guy to tolerate another man licking his SO's nipples. Are you that kind of guy? If not, get out early.

 

I also don't think nipple licking is common in mainstream Hollywood movies.

[simplessimon]

Do you think he beach scene is worse (from your point of view) than the scene you've already seen on the set?

 

The beach scene is yet to be filmed. In the bed scene they were half covered whereas in the beach scene they will be in the open. In the bed scene they had pants on whereas in the beach scene my gf will just be wearing a bikini bottom so there will be more skin contact.

 

At the end of the day they will be doing nothing different to what happened in the bed scene but in my mind I have this perception that it will be a lot more full on.

[simplessimon]

If you really can't handle the things she does while acting, I would recommend ending the relationship amicably.

 

Her offer to quit or demand re-writes is probably hollow. I doubt she'd follow through. Even if she were to follow through, she'd likely end up resenting you.

 

I also have to keep in mind that this acting is only a distraction to what will be her real career (Veterinarian). For all I know this could be her last movie.

 

Breaking up seems drastic unless I really can't handle it. I am close to that but not at breaking point.

[HomanWater]

Maybe you could suggest open relationship? In that while she kisses and stimulates other guys you are allowed to kiss and stimulate other girls too?

 

That would be fair, no? And would probably let you take your mind off her.

[ThatMan]

I also have to keep in mind that this acting is only a distraction to what will be her real career (Veterinarian). For all I know this could be her last movie.

 

Breaking up seems drastic unless I really can't handle it. I am close to that but not at breaking point.

Whoa, hold on a moment...

Relationships aren't about suffering through it until you reach an absolute breaking point. Holy ****, dude. It must be very difficult but at least try to stand back for a moment and gain perspective for what you've just said.

 

There are people who enjoy open relationships. There are also men who are into cuckold and enjoy being cheated on. If you are not one of these people then you have no business with her. That might be difficult to recognize at the moment, but you will, especially as you travel closer to your breaking point...

 

People stay in wildly dysfunctional relationships that toxic, abusive, violent, you name it - all because people convince themselves that things will change because of all the good memories. There are betrayed spouses who tell themselves, "It was only one time. She will never do this again." But the simple fact of the matter is that this was something she wanted for herself. You have to go well out of your way to be in a sex scene for a ****ty nameless indie film, especially when you have no other interest in doing this throughout your life as a real actor. In the future as a veterinarian, as an officer worker, as a career minded-woman; she will still be the sort of woman who enjoyed going out of her way to grind other men, let other men tongue her nipples, and kiss her while in a relationship.

 

If that knowledge right there brings, as you described, close to a breaking point then maybe you should walk away for your own sanity.

[Chi townD]

WHOA!!! WHOA!!!

 

 

So, you're telling us that acting and filming isn't her REAL passion? That her REAL passion is with Veterinarian Medicine?

 

 

Dude, she's putting her relationship in jeopardy over a stupid hobby?

[Try]

The most offensive part to me is that once he had an erection (which my gf obviously would have known) she just kept going. That erection was pseudo penetrating her and she was enjoying it. She doesn't deny any of that but has apologized.

You said previously that when the male actor said that he was so aroused that he was about to ejaculate, she kept doing it, meaning that he ejaculated. You also said previously that in addition to the passionate kissing, he was "licking of her nipples" during this scene. With her also acknowledging that she enjoyed it as she rubbed her private parts against his erect penis, she was also aroused. This was not simulated sex, this was actual sex, it just was not include full on penetration intercourse. Since this is only a hobby, she is doing this for fun. Fun that she needs to stop doing.

 

I am thinking of letting it all go until the end of this film and then pretty much asking her to stop the sex scenes. The kissing I can deal with so no need to stop that. That's not being unreasonable is it?

You need to tell her that she needs to stop doing sex scenes. Fun time with other men is over.

[Chi townD]

I agree with Try. I mean, is she getting paid for these roles? What's happening with these films? Are they being summited to film festivals? Film contests? Or is the director sending these to independent film companies in hopes that he or she will be given a contract?

 

 

Seems like she's jeopardizing a lot for a hobby. And Try is also right. This is cheating disguised as an "occupation" or an "art form".

[simplessimon]

Maybe you could suggest open relationship?

 

lol.... no!

 

WHOA!!! WHOA!!!

 

 

So, you're telling us that acting and filming isn't her REAL passion? That her REAL passion is with Veterinarian Medicine?

 

 

Dude, she's putting her relationship in jeopardy over a stupid hobby?

 

Yeah, that about sums it up. Except that she is willing (or at least says she is) to stop if it does get to the relationship in jeopardy stage.

 

You said previously that when the male actor said that he was so aroused that he was about to ejaculate, she kept doing it, meaning that he ejaculated.

 

That's not quite right. He was about to ejaculate but never did. She didn't keep doing it after he said that at all. I am hypothesizing that she kept going knowing he had an erection because I think it would be near on impossible to not know he had one.

 

You need to tell her that she needs to stop doing sex scenes. Fun time with other men is over.

 

I suggested that earlier. After this movie I would like her to not take on any more roles involving intimate scenes. I haven't put that to her yet but I will.

 

is she getting paid for these roles? What's happening with these films? Are they being summited to film festivals? Film contests? Or is the director sending these to independent film companies in hopes that he or she will be given a contract?

 

She is not being paid, it's just helping her best friend out. The movies have been shown in local independent cinemas and have received good reviews. One of the films won some local award. There is also some sponsorship deal in place for her to make 6 movies, this is the 3rd since that deal.

 

This is cheating disguised as an "occupation" or an "art form".

 

A few friends have suggested that as well. One seems to (strongly) think that my gf wanted this guy and the movie is just a ruse created by her best friend for them to be together.

 

I would hope that my gf has a little more feelings for me than to do that. I understand the logic behind that view but I doubt its true.

[lovelysharma]

You are lucky to have a great GF. after all this problem occurrs everytime. but one has to calm and behave like a winner so as to surpass the problems. after all mutual understanding works best in these situations. i think you have same thinking like me.

[Try]

A few friends have suggested that as well. One seems to (strongly) think that my gf wanted this guy and the movie is just a ruse created by her best friend for them to be together.

 

I would hope that my gf has a little more feelings for me than to do that. I understand the logic behind that view but I doubt its true.

I almost posted that your GF had her best friend write it into the script as a legal way to cheat. The fact that other posters think this too, coupled with some of your friends, makes me think that this is much more possible than you think. This has very little to do with her feelings for you. As a human we all want to cheat at one time or another, we just do not because we do not want to hurt the one that we love. In this case she got to cheat without losing you, while have a rationalization for it not being cheating.

 

Regardless, no more sex scene starting now, not at the end of the picture. The beach sex scene must go. BTW, this film will never ever go away as it will always be on a drive somewhere. In no budget movies, sex scenes are often the only driver in making it such that someone may want to buy it. Her topless sex scene could someday pop up on the Internet when someone types her name. She may want to ask the friend to delete the already recorded sex scene.

Edited March 6, 2014 by Try

[lolablue17]

Her topless sex scene could someday pop up on the Internet when someone types her name.

 

Not "could some day pop up".

 

100% it will pop up when you type her name in the future. collecting sex scenes from independent movies is a big industry