Wife Cheated - 2 months after marriage and 1 month after moving countries together

[Justanaverageguy]

So I am not normally one to write on online forums and I'm not even really sure I need any advice here. I think to be honest I just need to vent and write down some of what I have been going through the past few months to let it out. I've told some close friends and family what happened - but it was a somewhat censored version as I felt too embarrassed and humiliated to tell the whole truth. I guess online its a little easier to let it out anonymously. If someone has any feedback they want to write then that's fine I'll be happy to hear it. I know cheating comes in all forms of horrible - but what happened to me is like something out of a movie - full on car crash style.

 

My partner and I had been together for just on 5 years. I can honestly say we had a very happy and what I would consider to be loving, healthy and normal relationship for most of that time. I never once thought there may have been any infidelity - and I don't think there was until recently. We communicated well, we rarely had fights. The sex life was good for most of the relationship though there had recently been some issues. Probably the only real thing we had issues with was my work. I had a very high stress job that required insane hours sometimes and it had caused issues.

 

We had lived together for 4 of the 5 years we were together. We had purchased a home together which we lived in before moving. We had no kids just a dog. Her family lived in Europe but she had been living in my home country for the last 8 years where we met. We had been engaged for nearly 2 years - The reason for the long engagement is she wanted to get married at her home in Europe. We had a quite an extravagant wedding planned near her home tome. All the bells and whistles. I make good money so that wasn't an issue and you want to give your girl her dream wedding. We also decided to plan a move around the same time to live in her home country. In hindsight maybe not the wisest idea to do so much in a short time. Strangely though it worked out well with my work as I could get transferred there. I was also keen to move to see some of the world. She interviewed for jobs while in Europe to do wedding planning and got a great job. Everything just fell into place so we planned to move a couple of months before the wedding.

 

It was a very stressful time though for both - I was very busy with work plus trying to learn another language and both working on planning the wedding and the move. We then also had all the work of getting our own house emptied and cleaned so we could rent it out when we moved. For legal reasons we had to actually get married in my home country first. We had a very small private service with only a couple of very close friends and parents right before we left for Europe. This was kept secret from others as we wanted the big wedding in Europe to be the "real" wedding.

 

So I'll cut to the chase. While all the preparations for our move were going on I started noticing some weird behavior from my partner. The first thing I noticed was she suddenly started avoiding sex. At first I didn't think much of this - she had recently gone off the pill - she had bad side effects migraines etc and she claimed she didn't want to have sex because since going off the pill she was getting bad women's issues etc. She also just seemed to start getting angry or irritated at me for literally no reason at all. But it was a stressful time - I chalked it up to going off the pill and the stress of the move and tried to be an understanding husband and not push the issue.

 

But then I also started noticing other things - like she changed the passcode on her phone - and seemed agitated when I asked her for the new code and asked why it had been changed. We had both always had access to each others phones - it had never been an issue or something we even needed to discuss. When we got to EU and she started work I also immediately got a weird vibe about one of the guys in her team. Its bizarre - I never even met the guy but I just knew something wasn't right by the way she talked about him. I noticed her texting a lot more then usual. I also noticed something strange on Facebook - the photos with her and I - a lot of the tags had suddenly been removed. So if you looked at Photos of her - they didn't show me.

 

I had to fly back home from the EU for 2 weeks to dump the few remaining possessions we had and also finalize the clean up and rental of our home. Because of the things I had noticed I actually sat down with her before I left. I asked her what was going on with her, if everything was alright ? I said I had noticed the weird things I mentioned above and gotten a weird vibe about the guy from work she had been talking about and also that she had been texting a lot more then usual. Now just to be clear we only just arrived and had been in EU for less then a month - this was a guy she had known for 2 weeks. We had been married in the private service 2 months before and our "real" wedding was 1 month away. These issues had only come up in the last couple of months basically since we were married. It wasn't like these issues had been carrying on for a long time. If you had told me 6 months before that something like this would happen I would have laughed in your face. We were happy - at least that's what I thought. I asked if something was going on - Do you still want to go through with the wedding ? I actually said should I just not come back and we call the wedding off ?

 

She said I was being stupid, that I was reading way to much into things and nothing was going on. She was just stressed from the move and planning the wedding. She did however say that "it didn't really feel like it should" before you get married - "it didnt feel like a fairy tale". She said she wanted to work on making us better before the wedding when I got back.

 

So I went back - dumped the last things I owned, cleaned the house and rented it out. 2 weeks later when I was packing to return to EU I decided to check up on her because I still had a bad feeling. I had the passwords to her - where-is-my-iphone app. It was 3 am EU time and when I logged in I saw she was not at home but instead at a house in another town. I knew the guy from her work I was worried about lived there as she had told me in a passing conversation. I sat there and watched her phone for the next 5 hours - watched her catch the train home at 6am in the morning back to our place then head to work. She then started texting me saying she couldn't wait for me to arrive back tomorrow. I didn't know what to do - I was pretty sure I knew what was going on but I decided I had to know for sure. So I pretended nothing was wrong and I caught my flight the next day.

 

When I arrived back I went home and greeted her she treated me like everything was normal - though right before she left for work I swear I could see tears in her eyes. She text me that day like it was normal and actually asked me to call and get her custom matching wedding band made at the jewelers. She fully intended to still go through with our "real" wedding in only 4 weeks time. When she got home we had a really good evening - I cooked dinner, we had wine, kissed. But then I noticed she started texting -and I saw the guys name pop up on her phone. She actually went off to the toilet with her phone.

 

So I decided I had had enough of this nonsense - I knocked on the door and told her we needed to talk. When she came out I sat her down and said I knew everything that had been going on. She denied it and said she had no idea what I was talking about and that I was just being stupid. I lied and told her I had hacked her phone and could read all her messages - that I know she was texting the guy from work in the bathroom. I told that I had read everything she sent while I was away and that I knew she had stayed at his house only last night. This was a bluff - all I knew was she had stayed in another city - but it worked.

 

She finally admitted everything - but the first things she said will stay with me for life. When she realized I knew - the first things she said was "You didn't make me feel special like he did, you didn't give me the compliments I needed lately to feel special". She basically told me why this was all my fault. I will never forgive her for that.

 

I was able to get her to tell me what had happened - She had started a relationship with this guy in the 6 weeks we had been in EU. She didn't know him before we got there but had met him at a work function in the first week and been texting him before I left. As soon as I went home to settle our house she pursued a full on relationship. Not just sex - she had gone on dates with him, taken our dog for walks with him, got him to help with things around our new house.

 

As you can imagine I was more then devastated. It wasn't just the betrayal of cheating - which was heart breaking enough. It was also the timing - There is never a good time to cheat or to end a relationship but this was just the worst. The fact she had allowed me to sell every single worldly possession I owned. That she did this while I was literally out of the country dumping the last things that I owned and renting our house. That she had allowed me to leave my job and arrange a transfer to a foreign country - only to do this 4 weeks after we arrived, 8 weeks after we were legally married and 4 weeks before our big public wedding. I have no words to really describe the feeling. My life just got thrown in the toilet.

 

Also just to rub a bit of salt into the wound I have also since come to learn that there was another guy in my home country. Right before we left when I first noticed her change her passcode. Again a young guy from her work. I don't know how far it went but based on the one I know full details about I believe it to be almost the same thing we just moved country's so it may not have progressed as far - not sure - I don't want to know.

 

The hardest part of all is -when we first got together - it was the same thing. This is an uncomfortable thing for me to admit - I like to think I am a very moral person. I have never cheated on any partner I have ever been with and I try to be a "good" person. But when we first got together some 5 years ago she was in fact in a relationship with another man. I was not aware of the fact she was already in a relationship when we first got together though – she withheld that information in our conversations and meetings, and had “modified” her facebook profile so that she appeared to be single. (thus why her untagging photos made me suspicious) It was only after a number of weeks, several dates and already being intimate with her that I became aware she was already in an existing relationship. Once you are that far in - its hard to pull back out and it is to my great shame that I still continued to see her for a couple of months after that period knowing she was already in a relationship. She assured me the whole time she was ending it and did so after 2 months and we got together properly. I have nothing to defend myself with there – and perhaps what ended up happening to me is in the end Karmer for what I did. I know I will never be stupid enough to enter a relationship with someone like that again.

 

The thing I realized because of that experience is that all 3 incidents are the same. If I was to tell you the story of how we got to together and the story of how she got together with the guys she cheated on me with - the stories would be indistinguishable. Literally the same. A person from work who she met at a work function, she withheld the fact she already had a partner and lead them on, then she pursued the guy - not the other way around. Waited till the boyfriend went out of town and then cheated / started an affair.

 

Its like some sick system or pattern she seems to repeat when she decides she either wants some on the side or just wants to end the relationship. I am no psychologist but there is something seriously not right in the head there.

 

For the record I told her to get out after I found out the full details. After about a week I had turned into a pathetic heart broken fool and I went crawling back to see if we could somehow be saved. She said she wasn't sure how she felt and needed some time "to figure out what she wanted". After another week of the heartbroken emails back and forth I came to my senses pulled the pin completely and walked away and have not seen or text her since. I know however she is not with the guy she cheated on me with. I heard through her friend that she broke it off with him as soon as the cheating came out. The guy didn't take it well and started stalking her at home and making problems at her work including spreading information about what had happened. . It caused a major issue and she had to get HR department involved. I admit hearing that actually made me smile a bit.

 

Our wedding was supposed to be a few weeks ago. Unfortunately due to the lateness of our cancellation we still had to pay basically most of the costs - easily more then 25K which of course basically came out of my pocket. I also had friends and family from all over the world who could not cancel their flights and so flew all the way to Europe for a wedding that never happened. One of the most awkward things I have ever had to deal with in my life.

 

I am now in the EU - in a city where I have no home, no real friends and no possessions other then my clothes. Currently living and working out of a serviced apartment and trying to figure out my next move.

 

So yeah that's my story.

Edited June 25, 2014 by Justanaverageguy

[PegNosePete]

Dude that sucks. You have my sympathies.

 

But you acted totally correctly all the way through this. Your bluff was basically exactly the same as mine. Saying you know it all already, is the best way to get the truth.

 

So now you need to file for divorce, and prepare to be screwed financially yet again. Which country were you married in incidentally? I'm not aware of any countries where a marriage would not be valid in the EU, or any legal issues that would require you to be married before an EU wedding.

[Justanaverageguy]

Already looked into divorce - annulment is not an option legally. Also in my country you legally cant file for divorce until 12 months after separation and 2 years after you are first married. So I have to wait 2 years. Seriously.

 

Also in terms of why we got married before leaving for the EU. It was for my partner visa. They don't recognize defacto relationships - you have to actually be married to apply.

[giblesp]

As I always say, if you get it on with someone who's already taken, you already know how you're going to lose them.

 

My sympathies, I also had an unfaithful wife. Believe me when I say, you'll realize one day that you've lost nothing.

 

Probably not what you want to think about right now, but if there are any possessions with her that you want, any financial ties that you need settling, get that sorted.

 

There are many more women in the EU, you'll meet friends. If you like the place, then stay if you are able.

[Butters14]

God, here I am bored at work, and my eyes literally teared up after reading this, what an awful situation... I'm so sorry it happened to you.

 

Not that it's the same, but I did spend 4 months in a "relationship" with a girl who already had a boyfriend (promising me each week that she was gonna dump him).

I'm not proud of that part of my life, she never left him, even today (poor guy never found out).

I just decided that I had enough and moved on, it took a few months but I'm now with a wonderful girl who appreciates me fully (it rly comes when you don't expect it).

 

You handled it really well, after 5 years, I can't even imagine how hard it must be.

Just remind yourself that there is no fixing this (in my opinion), even if you do get back together, deep down you will always be resentful. She lied and cheated on you.

 

Stay strong my friend.

[Justanaverageguy]

Its been a couple of months since it happened. To be honest for the first month I was a blubbering and inconsolable mess. Pretty much unable to function in any capacity as a human being. Being stuck by myself in the EU was a blessing in that regard. I could kind of just hide and just process what had happened on my own.

 

I know there is no way back for us (and I'm sure a lot of people say that and go back) but for me if it was a one off moment of weakness I think I could eventually move past it. But this - that is was a calculated, well planned scheme that she carried out even after I confronted her directly. We are done - you cant ever really forgive or forget that. For me the hardest part has just been trying to understand "why ?"

 

The last few weeks I feel like I have turned the corner somewhat. I still have bad days and moments - but its better. I actually even joined tinder and went on a couple of dates haha. I didn't want anything to happen - not ready for that - just went to dinner. I just needed something, anything to get some self esteem back. To feel like a human again.

[Purepony]

I don't even know what to say I'm speechless this is the most horrible story I have ever read:(

I really hope you get it together my friend I really hope you do

[aliveagain]

If it helps friend, the stats for a relationship surviving infidelity when it occurs that early in a marriage is next to none. You didn't loose 25 thousand, you saved millions and you probably saved your life. Who knows what kind of disease she might have given you had you stayed. It looks like infidelity is part of who she is, you fired her, she's not your problem anymore. Just make sure you do everything by the law so you are protected from any further financial loss. Expose her, make sure you include infidelity on the divorce document so the next guy she marries will at least be warned because you have to supply a copy of your final decree when you apply for a marriage licence. Find out from your lawyer if there is something like annulment that might work in your situation. Find out if you can sue her for half your loss's. That could be her wedding present.

[DarkKnight1]

Thats Insane. But You Handle The Situation Accordingly She Will Regret Her Decisions, Now All You Can Do Is Move On And Find A Woman With True Value.

 

All The Best Man

[mrs rubble]

Wow! What an evil, vile, lecherous piece of work she is.

Thank goodness you got rid of her before having any kids.

Stay strong. I wish you a happy, healthy, wealthy future.

[No Limit]

You had plenty of chances to see what she's made of, but decided to ignore the warnings.

Good luck anyhow, at least you're rid of her now even though it costed a lot more than necessary.

[HappyLove]

Thank you for sharing your story. My favorite quote is by Dr Maya Angelou "People show you who they are the first time. Believe them."

 

This reminds us no matter how lonely we are or how beautiful someone is. When they show you who they truly are you can't ignore the red flags. Your story is helping many. Thank you for being brave enough to share. You can and will rebuild and have a great life even better than you thought you had. You are much wiser through this. Good luck!

[LostOnes05]

MAN...that is tough!! I'm really glad you are doing well enough to share with us. That woman is beyond low. Her complaint was that you didn't show her enough attention?? Is she a dog, or a farm animal?? Get outta here with that!! You were moving to a different country, leaving your old life behind to be with her, and she didn't think that was enough attention! What a piece of work. And then to top it off she says that she has to figure out what SHE wants??

 

Here is a check list of things she should want...

1) A moral compass

2) Respect

3) A heart

4) Loyalty

5) Compassion

6) Common sense

7) Personality disorder exam/shrink

 

*She can only buy one of these (and I'm sure insurance covers most of it). The rest are inherent in a person's character (character she obviously doesn't have). She will certainly get LOADS OF ATTENTION if she goes to a shrink, because she needs it.

 

People like that make me physically sick and I'm actually getting a bit angry writing this. I'm sorry for what you are going through and I wish the best for you. We all try to fix things even when they aren't our fault. Never ever talk to this woman again, unless it is through a lawyer and in front of a judge. Whatever you do, don't try to understand "why?" (I tried and it didn't help). There is no reason viable enough for her to have done this. And thinking about it will only cut deeper. Don't deal with bottom feeders. Go out and find a great woman that wouldn't dream of pulling a stunt like this. Live the best life that you can bro! Best of luck in the future!

[Justanaverageguy]

I agree with a lot of comments here. I think about when we first got together - the warning signs that I chose to ignore. That's my bad - young and in love you make mistakes - mistakes I will not make again. The hard part is that for 4 1/2 years it was good .... better then good. We worked together so well - I mean I wouldn't have asked her to marry me if we didn't. A person's character is somewhat set though. One thing I will take away from this is that you really need to work out what people are made of from the start. I think about our time together and in 5 years we never had a "rough" patch. It was just smooth sailing then suddenly we sank. If you cant even get over the first few hard times - a month after you are married - then it will never last.

 

LostOnes05 - you said don't try and understand "why". Honestly I am so so glad I spent the time trying to understand at least a little bit of "why" and "how" this could happen. It honestly helped short cut a lot of the pain. The weeks after this all went down I spent days just reading and researching. Honestly all I did was read - anything. Biology books, psychology books, relationship and break up books - anything I could get my hands on. I put a lot of different bits of information together and I found one book in particular that really really helped.

 

I honestly think I almost found the answer - not all of it because a lot still still resides in the mind of my ex partner - but I almost feel like I found some weird secret insight into the women's world. Sounds completely nuts I know but seriously it opened my eyes. Feel like I can almost look up women's dresses.

 

I know men cheat and women cheat - but I found a book specifically on women's infidelity - written by a women who had cheated. She went through a similar situation to mine - she was 30 married, happy and out of no where became unhappy and cheated on her husband. She couldn't figure out why she did it. She started doing research to figure out what happened and wrote a book on her findings. Doesn't apply to all situation's but when I read the first chapter it was almost like she had been sitting in my living room taking notes on the last few months of my relationship. Freaked me out a little bit.

 

Went into a whole bunch of things women go through when they approach their 30's. Hormone changes, sex drive kicking in. How women don't understand the changes that happen to them at this age and it often causes them to cheat. It honestly made so many things make sense - I know for a fact almost half of my ex partners friends have cheated on their partner in the last 2 years - seriously I'm not kidding my ex told me all the stories. Also I have had random friends girlfriends come onto me in just the last couple of years - footsies under the table and other weird **** which I avoided. None of them got caught though. I also actually confronted my older sister who broke up with her partner at the same age. Same thing - he just never found out what happened. Seems to be almost the norm at this age. I am just the stupid schmuck who was actually paid attention to what was going on. Maybe ignorance is bliss.

 

Either way - whats done is done. I can't go back now and I have to just move on.

[Justaguy30]

I am so sorry this happened to you, my ex was essentially doing the same thing with her phone and the getting irritated for seemingly no reason. Those are the signs. Excuses about not wanting to have sex, anger for no reason and sneaking around on the phone. If it happens leave them.

[bubbaganoosh]

If it was me, I would sue her for the money you lost when you moved and got rid of all your stuff. Maybe you would win and maybe not but I would chance it.

 

All in all though, in due time, she's going to get what she deserves.

[tom670]

If it was me, I would sue her for the money you lost when you moved and got rid of all your stuff. Maybe you would win and maybe not but I would chance it.

 

All in all though, in due time, she's going to get what she deserves.

 

Hey she could beat the rap but not beat the ride.

I would do it.

[Justanaverageguy]

Honestly I don't want to waste any more of my life or my time on her - I couldn't be bothered going through a petty legal battle which would probably cost me more then I would get back anyway. I don't see and point in wasting more time getting petty and trying to vindictive and hurtful.

 

Sure she deserves it - but will it make me feel any better ? Will I get anything worthwhile out of that process ? Honestly I think part of turning the corner has just been letting go of the anger. You have to if you ever want to move on - going through something like suing her would just drag out the moving on process even further.

 

So far I have been immensely proud of myself the way I have managed to handle it. Honestly - no pettiness, I haven't got angry hurtful or done anything spiteful at all. Not even name calling - nothing. When I pulled the plug for good I just sent a simple and polite email and said I am done ... I will have lawyers contact you in the future to start the divorce process and sale of the house. Please look after the dog.

 

I think in a weird way she wanted me to get angry and do hateful things ..... it would have given her some ammunition to use as justification for her actions. As it stands she has nothing. All our mutual friends know me well - there is nothing she can use to justify why she would have done what she did. I've been a good honest partner - and the last few months gone above and beyond to try and make her dream wedding and dream of living back home close to her family a reality.

 

She actually hasn't even told most of her friends in the EU what happened - she lied and said it was a "mutual break up" (like that ever exists). Her best friend who came out to my home country for our "private" wedding doesn't even know what happened. He stayed with us with his girlfriend for a month right before we moved and he is absolutely shocked that we broke up. He has emailed me a number of times cause he just cant believe it. I'm sure word about what really happened will eventually get back to them.

[Justanaverageguy]

Also I should add - her mother still emails me regularly and is absolutely devastated about what happened. I don't think she has really been able to come to terms with it .... I think she has some false hope we might eventually get back together.

 

She has forced her daughter to go into therapy - she knew about the circumstances of how we originally got together and I think sees there is something not right.

 

One other weird thing I found out which falls into line with my other research about what women do when they approach 30. Her mother was actually married twice. She cheated on and then divorced her first husband at age 27 and ran off and married another man - her long term husband who she had children with. He was a guy who lived in the flat next door.

 

My ex partner has 1 female cousin who is 31. At age 28 she had a long term partner of 7 years ... she cheated on him and left him for her University professor who she ran off with and had an affair for 1 year.

 

 

So their are only 3 women in her extended family the rest are all men (i dont know about the grand mothers). All of them cheated on and left their long term partners between the ages of 27 - 30.

 

Its kind of weird right ?