Still not over his frequent strip club visits

[Cilantro]

It came to light that my husband had been frequenting strip clubs pretty regularly. No, we're not made of money. We're struggling actually. I'm an unhappily overworked underpaid teacher for an inner city school district that hasn't given anyone raises in almost 6 years. I pay most of the bills...which I resent. Last year when I was home with our new baby on unpaid maternity leave, apparently he was going to local strip clubs midday and after work. I knew he visited clubs a lot in the years before I met him but I assumed that was in his past. I used to visit strip clubs years back and found them fun, but whenever I suggested it to my husband for us and perhaps some friends to come along too, he always turned the idea down. I didn't clue into his strip club ventures until I found a box of new unused condoms in our car last year. He didn't use them but after an explosive bitter confrontation and me refusing to buy into any bs, he finally admitted he had cheating fantasies so he considered looking to cheat. But claimed he never did anything nor found a girl to cheat with. We went thru hell and back, lots of marital counseling (still are), etc. I felt he wasn't giving me full disclosure and transparency, and our therapist just wanted to rugsweep everything.

 

A few months later after obsessively thinking things through and looking for clues, I conjured all on my own that he got the condoms on his way to a strip club (there's a club literally next door to the supermarket he purchased the condoms from). I finally got him to confess he did, bought a few lapdances and was offered sex for money so he paid her and went to meet her later but instead, she stood him up. I never trusted him after that and was skeptical I ever got the full truth. He's sworn up and down many times he's never physically cheated: sex, oral, kissing, etc. Since then he's stopped going to clubs but only for the most part. He has still gone on occasion then would get hostile and angry when I presumptively (but correctly) would accuse him of running late to help me with something because he was at a strip club. I didn't get proof of my strip club suspicions until I recently found a way to check his phone GPS from the past 2 years.

 

It's now a year later and I am still very angry about this. The money he spent, the lusting other chicks yet his hypocrisy about me revenge-flirting online (which I only did months after he started all this), and the very real possibility he may have gotten sexual favors on any of these trips. I'm not over it and now I want to start going to strip clubs myself. In fact, I feel entitled to, after he went to clubs on 26+ occasions and lied to me about it. There's a male strip club in my city I'm trying to convince my equally betrayed friend to attend with me. i also have a really outgoing lesbian colleague who goes to strip clubs all the time and tries to get other female teachers to go too. I've already reached out to guys on Craigslist, seeking a man to escort me to one so I don't have to pay. And since I keep getting booted for trying to enter a strip club by myself as a female.

 

What should I do or think at this point? And I also can't afford to divorce. I think if I can get mine too, I can start to get over my anger and feelings of betrayal, both in terms of the lust and the dishonest finances.

[Titanll]

I stopped reading after the part about coming home with your new baby. Send hubby my way and I will straighten him out. He will be limping when he gets home...sorry.

[viatori patuit]

First, going to strip clubs as revenge simply will not do anything.

 

Punishing people for their transgressions is a one-sided affair. The other party never sees it like the punisher wishes and it is only likely to create more angst on all sides.

 

Second, Your husband sounds like he needs a wakeup call. STRIP CLUBS AND BABIES DO NOT GO TOGETHER. Is this guy even remotely aware that his child is far more likely to grow up damaged due to his nonsense since he refuses to grow up?

 

At this point, I suggest you kick him out and go it alone for a while with the baby. You have mentioned money issues, but there is simply no way you can teach, cajole, punish, or beg this guy into behaving. The only way that happens is if you leave and he wises up.

[Cilantro]

Thank you to both of you for responding.

 

First, going to strip clubs as revenge simply will not do anything.

 

Punishing people for their transgressions is a one-sided affair. The other party never sees it like the punisher wishes and it is only likely to create more angst on all sides.

 

It's about more than just some revenge. I mean, I'd be lying if I said revenge wasn't a factor at all, as I admit there's the thrill of getting even, but it's also even moreso about me feeling entitled to finally get to have some fun of my own, especially after all the financial sacrifices that have been put on me by him. Our youngest is now a year and a half, and darnit I want to be able to finally go out and have fun once in a while. I want to be able to oogle naked men (and women, as I'm bi-curious, which I don't think he's fully aware of despite me mentioning this before). I feel he has no right nor grounds to fault me for going clubbing when look at what he's done. I've already stepped into 3 strip clubs in the last 8 months (and gotten booted within 15 mins at 2 of those times for being a non-employee female at the club), but given how often he's been there (29 times for 1-2hrs each time), I think I'm owed a few dozen more strip club trips. That and I want to feel sexy. I'm sick of being the miserable, overworked, underpaid, disrespected good girl teacher.

 

Also, I cannot afford to leave. My measly teacher salary makes this impossible. I already talked to a divorce lawyer months back and long story short I'd be paying out spousal support, half of my teacher pension, and possibly also child support, all because I make more money than him despite still not making enough to live off of. In my state we can do at-fault or no-fault divorces but almost nobody does at-fault anymore. The lawyer made me feel like I was stupid for even entertaining the notion of filing at-fault, even if I had 100% proof of actual physical cheating. So basically I would be the punished victim in the divorce. Also, I cannot afford childcare. Because I was always complaining about childcare eating up >60% of my net paychecks, my husband switched jobs to third shift so that he can stay home with the kids during the day and avoid us having to pay for childcare that we cannot afford. And no, I do not nearly qualify for welfare, govt assistance, WIC, etc so please do not try to suggest that. It will fall on disinterested, annoyed ears. Maybe I could try "separating" from him in terms of us being in a relationship/marriage, while still having him live here to help care for our kids and contribute towards expenses (since neither of us can afford to live separately), like a roommate of sorts while I'm single/free to mingle with other people. Maybe that's a possibility to give him a reality check/wake-up call, I don't know.

Edited May 10, 2017 by Cilantro

[mrs rubble]

Why don't you get a part time job at a strip club yourself, you get to catch the hubby out, earn some good cash and you get to feel sexy.

[Cilantro]

Why don't you get a part time job at a strip club yourself, you get to catch the hubby out, earn some good cash and you get to feel sexy.

 

Thanks I'm considering it. I have ample waitressing and bartending experience including at bars and night clubs. But all my service experience is from many years earlier, like 10 years ago. The problem is, would they even hire me lol. Let's be realistic. I'm in my upper 30s and thanks to the stress from my job and marriage, I've aged considerably in the last few years.

Edited May 10, 2017 by Cilantro

[mrs rubble]

Thanks I'm considering it. I have ample waitressing and bartending experience including at bars and night clubs. But all my service experience is from many years earlier, like 10 years ago, before I became a teacher. If I wanted to stay teaching I wouldn't ever do a conflict of interest job like that but I'm trying to get out of teaching because it's not a job I enjoy anymore. And I'm definitely getting rid of teaching, because I am constantly disrespected and underpaid at my job and the job also has me feeling incompetent and bad about myself (thanks to standardized test scores, new wave teacher evaluations, lack of raises, the increasing paperwork, etc). The problem is, would they even hire me lol. Let's be realistic. I'm in the upper half of my 30s and thanks to the stress from my teaching job, I've aged considerably in the last few years (and I know I'm not the only teacher who's experienced this).

You never know until you enquire!

[RecentChange]

No good will come from you going to strip clubs as revenge. Heck, he may find it alluring if you were going to female ones!

 

As for him spending your family funds on strippers - OMG I would be seeing RED:mad: WHILE you at home with the baby, such a crappy betrayal.

 

I think HE should be the one getting a second job. Maybe that way he can actually pull his weight, and won't have time to squander your hard earned money at strip clubs.

 

I swear, I am pissed for you! I am ready to join Titanll in a lynch mob.

[Space Ritual]

I finally got him to confess he did, bought a few lapdances and was offered sex for money so he paid her and went to meet her later but instead, she stood him up.

 

OP,

 

I've dated my share of strippers in the past for short periods of time. And yes more than one made money on the side.

 

However,

 

No stripper who is doing it on the side is going to stand up a john in the parking lot. For the simple fact that the guy may come back to get a Private Dance and in the process taking a knife and giving her a new smile behind the curtain.

 

I'm sorry but that "stood up" business is a bunch of Malarkey. No working Girl worth her Salt is going to stand up a john unless she knows she is never going to go back and dance at that club again, for just this very reason.

 

 

Also this game of going to clubs yourself with Craigs List guys with the revenge campaign is about as stupid as it gets. The only one who will get hurt by it is you, because your Husband will see it for what it is and the purpose will be wasted. It smacks of High School Tit for Tat, and its stupid.

 

You could spend that energy, time and money in a much better way. Namely getting yourself an STD test and extricating yourself from this farce of a Marriage.

[Cilantro]

No good will come from you going to strip clubs as revenge. Heck, he may find it alluring if you were going to female ones!

 

As for him spending your family funds on strippers - OMG I would be seeing RED:mad: WHILE you at home with the baby, such a crappy betrayal.

 

I think HE should be the one getting a second job. Maybe that way he can actually pull his weight, and won't have time to squander your hard earned money at strip clubs.

 

I swear, I am pissed for you! I am ready to join Titanll in a lynch mob.

 

I am pissed too, and worse, I have no way out of this financially. Other than the strip club trust issues, we get along believe it or not. It's not like we're constantly warring all the time. Not that it makes what he did any less wrong. I am beyond livid about the finances too, trust me, because I wasn't even receiving a paycheck at the time he started going to strip clubs. If I got another job, it wouldn't be a second job, but a replacement job, because truthfully I totally hate being a teacher, it is a time consuming tedious job with enough paperwork to keep me away from spending time with my family when I'm home, and on top of that it doesn't even pay enough. I wouldn't get a "second job" because teaching already feels like 2 jobs with how time consuming it is. Yes, I agree he should be working more jobs to make up for this and to pay more towards the bills. To clarify, he didn't spend "my" paycheck money on strippers, it was all his, but it did take away from the money he had to contribute towards bills. So essentially it kinda did take away from what was actually my money...

 

As for the revenge thing. It's more about me just wanting to have fun going to strip clubs. If I wasn't into clubs, I wouldn't force myself to go just to spite someone, as that wouldn't be fun for me at all. Normally I'd think guys would be turned on by me going to a female strip club, but remember, I have suggested the idea of going to a strip club with my husband and he has always shown disinterest and turned my idea down. Why do you think he kept turning down strip clubs yet would go to them without me?

[Cilantro]

OP,

 

I've dated my share of strippers in the past for short periods of time. And yes more than one made money on the side.

 

However,

 

No stripper who is doing it on the side is going to stand up a john in the parking lot. For the simple fact that the guy may come back to get a Private Dance and in the process taking a knife and giving her a new smile behind the curtain.

 

I'm sorry but that "stood up" business is a bunch of Malarkey. No working Girl worth her Salt is going to stand up a john unless she knows she is never going to go back and dance at that club again, for just this very reason.

 

 

Also this game of going to clubs yourself with Craigs List guys with the revenge campaign is about as stupid as it gets. The only one who will get hurt by it is you, because your Husband will see it for what it is and the purpose will be wasted. It smacks of High School Tit for Tat, and its stupid.

 

You could spend that energy, time and money in a much better way. Namely getting yourself an STD test and extricating yourself from this farce of a Marriage.

 

1. I made both of us get STD tests last year immediately after I found the unused box of condoms, thankyouverymuch.

 

2. Yes, I act high schoolish, I know I do...haha did I ever tell you that's actually where I work? Haha it must be rubbing off on me!

 

3. You're right, standing up a guy could get the stripper knifed in the couchdance room next time she's working, but couldn't she also face that same risk from a psycho betrayed wife whose husband bangs the stripper too? It's a two way street?

 

4. Funny you say "unless she wasn't planning on coming back to the club to work again," because that's actually what happened, if the girl my husband arranged stuff with is the right stripper. I went to that very strip club 8 months ago and got chatting with a regular. Without me having to mention anything at all about that stripper or my husband's claims that he almost cheated on me with her, the regular coincidentally started talking about that stripper. I asked if she still works there and he said no she works at a different club now (which I proceeded to visit the following week to see what this girl looked like, if she matched the description my husband gave me).

 

Then again, I don't know if my husband's story is even true or not. According to GPS, he never stopped anywhere after the strip club visit. Also, it wasn't one strip club one single time, more like 3 different clubs a total of 30 or more times over many months. Who knows how many girls he tried to get with, or did, or simply went to watch with no real intentions of physically cheating whatsoever. Sometimes I wonder if he made up a story about almost cheating because he wanted me to give him more attention and realize that he can always leave at any time if he is not satisfied. But then i think, why would a man lie in a way that incriminates himself MORE than reality? Usually men lie to downplay what they did, not exaggerate it. But either way, I'm so done being the loyal good girl. I already booked my tickets online for the male strip club this Saturday.

[RecentChange]

You can persue a different career - that a total separate topic.

 

Why can't he get a second job? Why can't he earn more?

 

I earn considerably more than my husband, yet it's all "our" money. Nether of us make any large purchases (or squander money!!!! And that is exactly what spending money on strippers is) without consulting the other.

 

If he isn't contributing at least 50% of the household funds, yes that is YOUR money that he used to pay for sex (such BS!).

 

Does he have any possession that could be sold? I think he not only has to earn your trust, but he has to pay back what has been squandered.

 

Does he act remorseful? Is he working hard to make things right? He's got a lot of fixing to do.

 

As for not wanting​ to go to clubs with you. Many theories. Perhaps Madonna whore complex. Maybe he likes it being his dirty little secret (some men really do get off on "sneaking around"). Perhaps he doesn't feel comfortable taking you to the "scene of the crime" - I could see not wanting to take a spouse to the place where you betrayed them.

 

Personally, I have never been a fan of strip clubs, so it's easy for me to say - but I think removing clubs from both of your lives would probably be a better idea.

 

How's your sex life at home? Is he passionate? Does he give you the attention you crave?

[RecentChange]

But either way, I'm so done being the loyal good girl. I already booked my tickets online for the male strip club this Saturday.

 

This won't end well. Why don't you save that money for a divorce then? Seriously, it's a poor choice. Tell me, what do you imagine happening? What will be the positive outcome? Let's use some deductive reasoning, okay?

[Cilantro]

As for not wanting​ to go to clubs with you. Many theories. Perhaps Madonna whore complex. Maybe he likes it being his dirty little secret (some men really do get off on "sneaking around"). Perhaps he doesn't feel comfortable taking you to the "scene of the crime" - I could see not wanting to take a spouse to the place where you betrayed them.

 

I agree with you and I was also wondering if maybe another possible reason is that he wouldn't want it somehow getting back to me that he physically cheated or got favors in the club, from the strippers spilling his secret or otherwise. Or maybe he'd worry that if the strippers who already know him as a "regular" saw that he has a wife, they wouldn't be up for giving him favors or meeting up with him outside the club. I worry about those possibilities too.

 

Oh geez I sure hope it's not a Madonna whore complex! I had more than one ex-boyfriend go through that with me, and it's not fun at all, especially when I was being sex deprived while they went screwing other women behind my back. They got to have their cake and eat it too, having me remain loyal to them while they didn't have to be loyal to me. What trickery. That's why these days I refuse to remain loyal to someone who's unfaithful.

 

 

 

How's your sex life at home? Is he passionate? Does he give you the attention you crave?

 

He has a very high sex drive that isn't decreasing anytime soon, even in his 30s. We have a very active sex life. In fact, he was all rubbing up against me and expressing his desire for sex as soon as only a few days after I came home from the hospital after birthing our most recent child. That was also around the time he started going to the strip clubs. In part because of his pushiness about wanting sex, I only waited a few weeks postpartum before resuming sexual relations with him. So yes about 95% of the time he gives me the sexual attention I want, but in light of my knowledge about his flirtations and recent past strip club goings, I feel like he's not fully giving me the attention I crave in terms of lusting after me and only me. I feel entitled to having him all to myself because, well, he's my husband after all. If I can't have that (even emotionally, oogling/looking wise, lustwise, etc), then I feel entitled to seek attention elsewhere. Guys like variety? I like variety too. I've pushed aside some of my other tastes in men and things I've wanted to try, because that's what being faithful to the one you love involves, but my motivation and desire to do this is at zero now. Sorry but I don't believe in staying faithful just for the sake of following a rule or doing something simply because I'm "supposed to" do it. I don't see any reward or "brownie badge" in saying "well at least I was faithful" if the faith is not reciprocated, sorry and no offense.

[Cilantro]

This won't end well. Why don't you save that money for a divorce then? Seriously, it's a poor choice. Tell me, what do you imagine happening? What will be the positive outcome? Let's use some deductive reasoning, okay?

 

Hahahahaha do you know how much a divorce costs?

 

Because right, the $20 spent on club tickets would really foot even the initial consultation fee for a divorce. Right. Can't I at least have one evening of fun? Am I at least entitled to that? And if he can't handle me doing the same thing he's doing (or most likely doing less than he may have already done when he goes to those seedier dive strip clubs), then he's a hypocrite and that just gives me more reason to not want to be with him. If he wants to divorce me over doing 1/26 of what he's already done, then HE can initiate the divorce and pay all the fees. I'm DONE paying for nearly everything.

[RecentChange]

There are two choices.

 

Decide that you love each other, and want to put in the hard work to repair you marriage - this means coming together and setting down the spite and petty $****. It means truely dedicating to each other, and making it clear that a happy healthy marriage is your top priority.

 

Or you can both continue to do petty sh** and see where that lands you.

 

You are at a crossroad, a place where your choices and his will have a lasting impact on the outcome of your marriage.

[Cilantro]

So basically...I'm supposed to suck it up and accept that he may have cheated (still not certain), or at least got to see lots of other naked chicks live and in flesh, while still staying loyal? Isn't that a double standard? Why should I hold myself to high expectations (which I don't even respect or have any motivation to follow) that my husband hasn't been held to? What's good for the goose, is good for the gander. Also, it's not purely revenge because if it was, I would be all about gloating and rubbing in any sexcapades/stripcapades immediately afterwards. Instead, I'm going about it quietly, on the sly, because I'm doing it for myself and my own selfish purpose of raising my confidence, than for him.

[RecentChange]

You're a teacher. I am sure you know what stooping to the lowest common denominator means.

 

I am telling you, the choices are try fix things, and that means HE is totally on board to fix things.

 

Or treat each other like crap and see where that lands you.

 

What good will come from a tit for tat where you each "deserve" to do crappy things to each other?

 

What sort of relationship, coping skills and conflict resolution strategies are you teaching your children if you both conduct your marriage like this?

[Cilantro]

You're a teacher.

 

Hahahahahahaha SMFH. The good ol "you're a teacher" line. Love it!

 

NOT. Which is even more reason why I'm leaving teaching soon. I...hate...that...line. Literally my biggest current pet peeve ever: "you can't talk like that, [outside work time] you're a teacher!!" or "what are you doing, you're a teacher!" "You can't do that, you're a teacher!" As if teachers are these sin-less robots, right? One more reason I will be so glad to get out. Haha I recall a Tyler Perry Madea meme with Madea looking pissed and the caption saying "If I hear ____ one more time..." yeah haha that's a little of how I feel, totally figuratively/tongue-in-cheek of course.

 

No, I do not think he's totally "on board" to fix things. He has very good attributes and overall he's a decent person, which is why his parents (my in-laws) and our mutual friends were so shocked when I divulged just the slimmest tip of the iceberg by telling them he flirted with some girls last year (didn't tell anything more than that, or they'd really be in for a whoozy). They said, "he would never do anything to hurt you." But I also see an immature character who is still set in his "single" mindset of yesteryear. He was the one who wanted to settle down and have a family, yet he still can't shake the good times he had when he was young and able to look. He tries to be more helpful around the house and wait on me hand and foot at times, but he also keeps hiding stuff and giving me only a trickle truth at best, and only after I put blatant undeniable proof right in front of his face. In my opinion he's not worthy of my loyalty. I don't even think he's ready for true reconciliation. He's a good parent and roommate, and I can't afford to move out of my own house, and we get along with most things except the trust issues, but I do not have any motivation to be loyal. I'm considering pursuing an open marriage actually.

Edited May 11, 2017 by Cilantro

[Space Ritual]

He's a good parent and roommate, and I can't afford to move out of my own house, and we get along with most things except the trust issues, but I do not have any motivation to be loyal. I'm considering pursuing an open marriage actually.

 

Since you state you have no motivation to be loyal, then either pursue the open marriage with him, or end the marriage. Stating that financially it is not doable is not at the end of the day a valid reason if you feel your emotional well being is at stake. If you have no motivation to be loyal, then you should be motivated to make the change to either have an open marriage or a dissolution.You can always explore mediation

 

Feel free to take or leave any advice anyone gives you here, including mine.

 

I just get the vibe from your replies that you have been so injured by what your husband did that in the process of leveling the playing field in your own mind that you may indeed in the end consume yourself with your quest.

 

I just hate to see someone go that route.

 

But Good Luck to you, nonetheless, Cilantro. I hope you find what it is you are looking for that will bring some resolution to your situation, and also what will bring you peace

[preraph]

Oh, with the money you'd save going down strippers' g-strings, I think you CAN afford to divorce. In fact, I don't think you can afford not to.

[Cilantro]

Oh, with the money you'd save going down strippers' g-strings, I think you CAN afford to divorce. In fact, I don't think you can afford not to.

 

Maybe but I'll be dammed if I don't get my ego kibbles and some extra divorce money by getting a few bills shoved down my own G-string first...which I just bought for myself yesterday but not for my husband to see. I just started offering my own lapdances to guys online. I feel entitled to cheat back all the money that was ever siphoned from me to strippers.

[preraph]

Careful or you'll end up in prison advertising online like that. All the sites like backpage are monitored because of all the human trafficking going on these days. Don't do something stupid just because he has been.

[RecentChange]

You are a teacher, so I hoped you had reasoning and logic skills. Not that you should be a prude.

 

Perhaps it's time to spruce up that resume and get a job you don't hate? I would imagine selling your body online could put your employment in jeapordy.

Edited May 11, 2017 by RecentChange

[Cilantro]

Right. Strippers are perfectly legal to strip but I make one joke, and I'm facing prison. Ah yes, I forgot, because I'm a teacher. Right. Oh and...I gave my notice already...hubby can figure out a way to pay bills and/or try to siphon spousal support (aka financial reward for being a bad spouse worth divorcing) without my salary. How bout dat.