LDRs Can Be So Difficult :(

[ladyabstrused]

Hello, I'm new here and well I found this forum because I was in need for some advice / inspiration / motivation / anything - to keep going.

 

I am currently in a LDR (very very long distance) and we've been together for 4.5 years now. This is my first relationship and the first person I've ever fallen in love with.

 

Initially (like any other relationships) things were rosy and exciting and good, everything was great. But then after about 2 years, things started to get a little rough. Probably due to the distance? I'm still not too sure till today.

 

It doesn't help that we both come from different cultures and we understand behaviours and actions differently and we have a lot of differences and some similarities. I would say our connection is really good though despite all the differences.

 

Our main problem comes from the communication part. Sometimes we don't understand what each of us mean or try to bring across in our conversations. Sometimes we misunderstand and we don't have the patience to hold back and try to understand and then arguments start.

 

Things got really bad lately. For a long time now, I feel like I'm the cause of every issue because of my lack of experience in life (he's much older than me) and I feel like I hurt him all the time or a lot of the times we have issues.

 

I can list down all the things that I would like to seek understanding about but that would have you reading for more than an hour. Maybe I'll just list some things down.

 

For example, he doesn't like me speaking to any male persons out there. Not even at my workplace. I mean, I have to talk to other people at my workplace, male or females. But he gets cautious or unhappy even if it's just work interaction. Is this normal?

 

He tells me a lot of times how nasty I can be and hurtful I can be with my words. I don't feel like I'm a bad person but because he says this for so many times, I feel like I am now. Maybe I am a bad person? Who just says hurtful things? But a lot of times when I argue back, it's because I feel hurt and upset or frustrated so I have to say something because sometimes the things he says about me are not true. How do I tolerate that?

 

I don't know. It's gone to a point where it's so bad that we're actually considering therapy. I hope this works.

 

Before this, it's always been me trying to fix things up in our relationship and fighting for us to stay together. But lately for the past 2 weeks, I think I kind of gave up and he came reaching out to me but now I'm feeling numb as shoot and I'm feeling all messed up and I don't know anything anymore.

 

Don't know what to do anymore really. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. But then I think about him and how much I love him and how long I've been with him, I can't bear that thought.

 

Has anyone gone through something like this before? Is it bad of me to be feeling this way?

 

It's so hard. But who said it was going to be easy, right?

[Mystical_Nark]

My boyfriend is older than me, by four years. Not that big of a difference, but our experiences are very different from one another. And if I don't understand something the first time, or few times after that, I ask him to be patient with me because he's a little older, and has experienced more than I have. Maybe you could say that to your boyfriend?

 

He shouldn't get upset with you for talking and interacting with other males at your workplace. That can't be avoided. A little jealousy can make one feel a little better about themselves because it means that their SO is protective over them, but jealousy shouldn't get to the point where it's controlling and you're considered property and not a person. I don't like it when other females flirt with my boyfriend, but at the same time I trust my boyfriend enough around said females. Does he have major trust issues from previous relationships? Or did he recently start getting upset with you for talking to other men?

 

Have you both considered not talking for a few days? Doesn't mean that you're broken up, but just a few days to get your thoughts collected and figure out what you want to say, even if its just writing it down and getting it all out in a way that doesn't sound like either of you are attacking one another. I've had to do that with my boyfriend. We don't have terrible fights, but if things get slightly heated we take a break from communicating for about ten minutes to an hour, and then start again after our anger and aggravation has cleared.

 

The only previous experience I have had with a boyfriend like that, was when I dated this local guy for two and a half years. We fought all the time and he was inconsiderate of my thoughts and feelings, and acted as if everything I did in the relationship was my fault. I couldn't break up with him, even though there were points in our relationship where I hated him. I didn't break up with him because I invested a few years into this guy and I didn't want to do it for nothing, so I stayed. But if it seems like nothing is helping and you did all you could do, then don't stay in a relationship that isn't going to make you happy. It's difficult. I can relate to that. You have so much love for someone and you don't want to be without them. I really hope what I said was helpful. Do what you feel is right, and if that gets confusing do a pros and cons list. I had to realize for myself that I deserved a lot better than what he was giving me. I really hope everything works out for you

[FitChick]

What are your ages and cultures? How many times have you met and how often? Who plans to move where and when?

[ladyabstrused]

My boyfriend is older than me, by four years. Not that big of a difference, but our experiences are very different from one another. And if I don't understand something the first time, or few times after that, I ask him to be patient with me because he's a little older, and has experienced more than I have. Maybe you could say that to your boyfriend?

 

Well we do talk about that, to have patience with one another because we misunderstand each other a lot. Sometimes our patience runs thin and then we blow up on each other. I wish we could be together in physical life now because I think that's probably one of the biggest reasons why we misunderstand things.

 

Body language and facial expressions are absent when we just talk on the phone. His webcam isn't working so .... yeah. :\

 

Does he have major trust issues from previous relationships? Or did he recently start getting upset with you for talking to other men?

 

Yeah, he had major trust issues from his previous relationships. We did talk about it but I don't know how to deal with this now. I can't even talk about a guy from work then he starts thinking and asking questions about if I have feelings for him or if I've done anything with him. I mean that's ridiculous. I only spoke of having a new boss and he thinks I'm interested. I can't even bring anything up that is related to a guy or he'd get upset and unhappy. He tells me to tell him everything and be open with him but I'm so cautious that it would just lead to arguments everytime I do that.

 

Have you both considered not talking for a few days?

 

Well...he offered that. But if I took it up, he would think that I don't want to be with him. And that I just wanted to be away from him. He'd take it personally. It's happened before so many times. If I accept the offer and don't refuse? It ends up in a big argument. If I don't accept the offer and insist of constant communication still, he takes it as a confirmation that I love him or care about him. So I don't know lol. What do I do here?

 

The only previous experience I have had with a boyfriend like that, was when I dated this local guy for two and a half years. We fought all the time and he was inconsiderate of my thoughts and feelings, and acted as if everything I did in the relationship was my fault. I couldn't break up with him, even though there were points in our relationship where I hated him. I didn't break up with him because I invested a few years into this guy and I didn't want to do it for nothing, so I stayed. But if it seems like nothing is helping and you did all you could do, then don't stay in a relationship that isn't going to make you happy. It's difficult. I can relate to that. You have so much love for someone and you don't want to be without them. I really hope what I said was helpful. Do what you feel is right, and if that gets confusing do a pros and cons list. I had to realize for myself that I deserved a lot better than what he was giving me. I really hope everything works out for you

 

Thing is, my boyfriend is considerate and he cares about my feelings and my thoughts. Sometimes I find him a little selfish. But most of the time, he's always good to me. I mean I haven't had someone care so much about me in my life. I'm afraid to do a pros and cons list because I'm afraid to find out what the result would be.

 

I honestly feel that I'm the problem-maker in our relationship. Like what he says, I'm inconsiderate, I don't think about how he feels like and what he goes through and I don't show enough care and love towards him. But how do I? Sometimes I feel like I have a hard time understanding what he's going through because he's good at covering up and I can't see him so I can't know what's going on.

 

Thanks though Mystical_Nark for responding. It does make me feel better hearing some input from you. Maybe I can try to work on the pros and cons list. :-s

[ladyabstrused]

What are your ages and cultures? How many times have you met and how often? Who plans to move where and when?

 

Well....you might want to sit down. He's 17 years older than me.

I'm still quite young. His culture is more westernised whereas my culture is more ethnic or traditional and conservative.

 

We've met in physical once in our 4.5 years together. We were planning on another meeting this December but who knows cos things are a little rough now. We can't meet too often due to airfare costs and phew flying there cost me nearly $3k. That doesn't include lodging and others. I need time to save up money for the trips. He can't fly to where I am due to some personal reasons.

 

We plan to move somewhere else in the US when we can get together and start a life together. But it all seems so unclear now cos it's really tough just to get through these days. :\

[LittleTiger]

Hello, I'm new here and well I found this forum because I was in need for some advice / inspiration / motivation / anything - to keep going.

 

I am currently in a LDR (very very long distance) and we've been together for 4.5 years now. This is my first relationship and the first person I've ever fallen in love with.

 

Initially (like any other relationships) things were rosy and exciting and good, everything was great. But then after about 2 years, things started to get a little rough. Probably due to the distance? I'm still not too sure till today.

 

It doesn't help that we both come from different cultures and we understand behaviours and actions differently and we have a lot of differences and some similarities. I would say our connection is really good though despite all the differences.

 

Our main problem comes from the communication part. Sometimes we don't understand what each of us mean or try to bring across in our conversations. Sometimes we misunderstand and we don't have the patience to hold back and try to understand and then arguments start.

 

Things got really bad lately. For a long time now, I feel like I'm the cause of every issue because of my lack of experience in life (he's much older than me) and I feel like I hurt him all the time or a lot of the times we have issues.

 

I can list down all the things that I would like to seek understanding about but that would have you reading for more than an hour. Maybe I'll just list some things down.

 

For example, he doesn't like me speaking to any male persons out there. Not even at my workplace. I mean, I have to talk to other people at my workplace, male or females. But he gets cautious or unhappy even if it's just work interaction. Is this normal?

 

He tells me a lot of times how nasty I can be and hurtful I can be with my words. I don't feel like I'm a bad person but because he says this for so many times, I feel like I am now. Maybe I am a bad person? Who just says hurtful things? But a lot of times when I argue back, it's because I feel hurt and upset or frustrated so I have to say something because sometimes the things he says about me are not true. How do I tolerate that?

 

I don't know. It's gone to a point where it's so bad that we're actually considering therapy. I hope this works.

 

Before this, it's always been me trying to fix things up in our relationship and fighting for us to stay together. But lately for the past 2 weeks, I think I kind of gave up and he came reaching out to me but now I'm feeling numb as shoot and I'm feeling all messed up and I don't know anything anymore.

 

Don't know what to do anymore really. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. But then I think about him and how much I love him and how long I've been with him, I can't bear that thought.

 

Has anyone gone through something like this before? Is it bad of me to be feeling this way?

 

It's so hard. But who said it was going to be easy, right?

 

Hi ladyabstrused, welcome to LS.

 

I'm sorry you're having a tough time with your relationship. I would love to help but it's a little difficult to do so without a few details about you and your boyfriend:

 

1. How old are you both

2. What are the differences in your cultures

3. Have you met in real life

4. If so, how often do you see each other and for how long

5. What is keeping you apart for such a long time

6. Do you have plans to be together at some point in the future

 

LDRs are all different depending on the circumstances of the two people involved so 'blanket' advice won't be that helpful for you. If you can elaborate a little that would make it a lot easier.

[ladyabstrused]

Hi ladyabstrused, welcome to LS.

 

I'm sorry you're having a tough time with your relationship. I would love to help but it's a little difficult to do so without a few details about you and your boyfriend:

 

1. How old are you both

2. What are the differences in your cultures

3. Have you met in real life

4. If so, how often do you see each other and for how long

5. What is keeping you apart for such a long time

6. Do you have plans to be together at some point in the future

 

LDRs are all different depending on the circumstances of the two people involved so 'blanket' advice won't be that helpful for you. If you can elaborate a little that would make it a lot easier.

 

Hi LittleTiger, thank you for responding. I'll try to answer your questions to best that I can as I admit I don't feel quite comfortable being too straightforward about certain things.

 

1. We are 17 years apart in age. I'm in my early 20s.

2. He's from a more westernised culture, he's from America. I'm from a more conservative, more ethnic / traditional culture (asian culture - is this more specific?).

3. Yes we have met in real life once. I went there to see him for 2 weeks.

4. We only met that one time. We plan to meet again end of this year. But this is unconfirmed due to the circumstances of our relationship right now.

5. I have to stay with my job for a couple more years before I can quit. Till then I can't move there to be with him.

6. Yes we've had plans to get married and move to another state from where he is now in the US. We planned for that after I can quit my job and move over there.

 

Thank you for taking the time to understand my issue. I truly appreciate your interest and help.

[Professor X]

Wow, he scored big time. So he was 35 when you were 18 and met, and you are the one who flew to him once, and will again (thus you are spending the money). Yet he is there and for all you know he could have a family (he's like.. 40 now, ye?).

 

No offense but you need to wake up the f*ck up. You're a little Asian price chick. He's 40 and in another dimension when it comes to life experience - and no, don't tell me you're similar, you can't possibly be. You're just naive and innocent and leaving in a dream world.

 

For your sake, Find a RS with someone your age who lives near you cause right now you have a RS based on fantasy.

[LittleTiger]

Well....you might want to sit down. He's 17 years older than me.

I'm still quite young. His culture is more westernised whereas my culture is more ethnic or traditional and conservative.

 

We've met in physical once in our 4.5 years together. We were planning on another meeting this December but who knows cos things are a little rough now. We can't meet too often due to airfare costs and phew flying there cost me nearly $3k. That doesn't include lodging and others. I need time to save up money for the trips. He can't fly to where I am due to some personal reasons.

 

We plan to move somewhere else in the US when we can get together and start a life together. But it all seems so unclear now cos it's really tough just to get through these days. :\

 

It seems our posts crossed

 

The fact that he is 17 years older than you isn't particularly shocking except that you are very young and this is your first relationship - so you were just a teenager when you met him and he was at least 35?

 

There are a few red flags here that concern me:

 

1. You have known him for 4.5 yrs but only met once - I can imagine it is extremely difficult to develop a romantic relationship and keep it going with this level of physical contact. So what you have written in your first post about the difficulties you are having is not really surprising.

 

2. You went to visit him for the first time and you paid? From your post it sounds as though he didn't even share the cost - that is quite shocking to me considering your ages?

 

3. You are the one who will have to travel to him for the next visit, if it ever happens, and you are paying again? If he can't travel for some reason that's one thing, but to expect you to pay to see him, without sharing the cost each time is a huge red flag. Does he not have a stable income? If I was you, I would be asking him to pay for the trip this time - even if you are the one who has to travel.

 

4. Do you know the personal reasons that he can't travel to see you? Are you sure these reasons are genuine? If he can't travel just to visit you, how is he going to be able to move 'somewhere else in the US'?

 

5. I am curious why a young woman would tie herself to a man she has only met once who lives on the other side of the world. I am not against LDRs (I have been in a well-established one myself for 2.5 yrs) but this situation you are in does not appear to be a healthy one.

 

I'm sorry if that all sounds rather negative but you are clearly not happy with this situation and it would help to think very carefully about the dynamics here. In your first post you put yourself down and blamed everything that's going wrong on yourself. That is certainly not how it comes across to me.

 

Your boyfriend sounds very controlling and the power balance is very much in his favour. Please be careful. I am sure you think you know him well but until you have spent a fair amount of time in his company you can't know his true personality. It is very easy for him to sit there thousands of miles away as your relationship gets rocky and point the finger at you. It sounds very much as though this relationship is starting to affect your self esteem. Are you sure this is the kind of man and the kind of relationship you want?

[LittleTiger]

Wow, he scored big time. So he was 35 when you were 18 and met, and you are the one who flew to him once, and will again (thus you are spending the money). Yet he is there and for all you know he could have a family (he's like.. 40 now, ye?).

 

No offense but you need to wake up the f*ck up. You're a little Asian price chick. He's 40 and in another dimension when it comes to life experience - and no, don't tell me you're similar, you can't possibly be. You're just naive and innocent and leaving in a dream world.

 

For your sake, Find a RS with someone your age who lives near you cause right now you have a RS based on fantasy.

 

Harshly put Professor X but I do agree with you.

[Professor X]

Harshly put Professor X but I do agree with you.

 

Ya I know, I failed at sugar-coating class But as you rightfully said, the power balance is just imbalanced to his favor, greatly in his favor. He's so much older than she is and they met when she was so young (and still is), that it's clear he did nothing but took advantage of her state. (and I hope they met when she was at least 18).

 

Sorry OP, you might resent me for what I am saying, since you are inlove with this men, but I have nothing to gain by telling you this, so I'm very objective here, while you are blinded by your emotions.

[ladyabstrused]

Wow, he scored big time. So he was 35 when you were 18 and met, and you are the one who flew to him once, and will again (thus you are spending the money). Yet he is there and for all you know he could have a family (he's like.. 40 now, ye?).

 

No offense but you need to wake up the f*ck up. You're a little Asian price chick. He's 40 and in another dimension when it comes to life experience - and no, don't tell me you're similar, you can't possibly be. You're just naive and innocent and leaving in a dream world.

 

For your sake, Find a RS with someone your age who lives near you cause right now you have a RS based on fantasy.

 

Well he did offer to pay for the next one but like I said, we didn't get to discuss it fully because things got rougher recently. Well I do know his background and he's been truthful because I was there and saw how he was living. At the moment he's taking care of his old parents so he's living with them.

 

You're right, we are not similar at all. We only click at certain things, when it comes to spiritual items and beliefs. I know, he says I'm naive too. Many times he has told me that if I feel like I don't want to do this, I should just let him go and move on.

 

Professor X, I know that I love him very much, even though our physical meetings were only once. I talk to him daily on the phone and texting and we did webcam when it was working for him. Recently he was experiencing some rough issues with work and now he's still looking for a decent job.

 

Yeah, we did discuss about the fantasy part. We discussed a lot of our issues. If this relationship was real to each of us or was it a fantasy. We have explored all these and to me, this is real. I know him, but I admit, not enough because we haven't been around each other in physical to learn about each other even deeper.

 

At the moment, I'm trying to work things out with him through therapy. Hopefully it will help us understand the issues and have a better resolution to this. He and I both know that the resolution may be the end of this relationship, as we decided to give it another chance.

 

He is very giving towards me and has sent me gifts and cards and letters to compensate for not being around and being unable to come over here. He sacrificed his work just to spend more time with me when I was there. He set things up so romantically and so lovingly that I felt bad I didn't do more for him.

 

Everyone has their positive and negative sides. I know he tries to be the best he can be for me. But I on the other hand, I kind of go with my emotions a lot of times. Also because I'm a very emotional person. We each try to work on our own personal issues to be better for each other.

 

I may be naive when I met him, but I feel that I know better now.

 

Do you really think I'm just seeing this relationship based on fantasy? Am I really still blinded by emotions? But then how do we explain this feeling I have for him? The fact that I do love him very much and I know he's a genuine person and is truthful to me?

[ladyabstrused]

1. You have known him for 4.5 yrs but only met once - I can imagine it is extremely difficult to develop a romantic relationship and keep it going with this level of physical contact. So what you have written in your first post about the difficulties you are having is not really surprising.

 

Yes and more often than not now, I wonder, is it really me or is it him? Or is it the both of us together? Am I hurting him more just by trying to improve our relationship? Even though he says my leaving would hurt him more, but when we're around each other, we argue and I feel like he's so hurt by the way I am.

 

2. You went to visit him for the first time and you paid? From your post it sounds as though he didn't even share the cost - that is quite shocking to me considering your ages?

 

He paid for lodging and the other stuff. But I paid him back. He's got some heavy responsibilities at the moment and I feel that I do not want to burden him with finances.

 

3. You are the one who will have to travel to him for the next visit, if it ever happens, and you are paying again? If he can't travel for some reason that's one thing, but to expect you to pay to see him, without sharing the cost each time is a huge red flag. Does he not have a stable income? If I was you, I would be asking him to pay for the trip this time - even if you are the one who has to travel.

 

No, he doesn't have a stable income. He's currently looking for a job cos he recently got out of one. He does offer to pay for all the costs but he can't afford it. I wanted to see him as much as he wanted to see me. He said I shouldn't go because he couldn't pay for it but it was my decision to continue the trip and for the next one too. I do it for love, but is it bad to do things because you love someone?

 

4. Do you know the personal reasons that he can't travel to see you? Are you sure these reasons are genuine? If he can't travel just to visit you, how is he going to be able to move 'somewhere else in the US'?

 

Yes. He has to care for his parents who are old and his mum isn't doing so well. Yes, I'm sure these reasons are genuine as I have seen it for myself. Well, because travelling to see me takes a long time and he can't be away from them for too long. As it is, he requires help during the time he's working. He has plans about the moving out and getting care for his parents. It's a tough choice for him because I don't think he wants to just leave his parents under other people's care. Though he doesn't really want to seem affected (maybe because he thinks its not manly enough and also because he feels a little ashamed to still be "living with parents" at this age).

 

5. I am curious why a young woman would tie herself to a man she has only met once who lives on the other side of the world. I am not against LDRs (I have been in a well-established one myself for 2.5 yrs) but this situation you are in does not appear to be a healthy one.

 

You really think it doesn't appear to be a healthy one? Even if we both love each other and would try to make things better to have a life together? I asked myself this question, why would I commit my life to this guy. And I can list out so many things because he's the most wonderful guy I've ever met. I know I've said negative things about him, but like I said, each person has both sides. It appears that he has more positives than negatives and I just have a hard time dealing with the negative parts of our relationship (which may not necessarily be because of him).

 

I'm sorry if that all sounds rather negative but you are clearly not happy with this situation and it would help to think very carefully about the dynamics here. In your first post you put yourself down and blamed everything that's going wrong on yourself. That is certainly not how it comes across to me.

 

Sometimes I feel that I'm not open enough to him and I don't talk things out much and it frustrates him to guess what's going on with me at times. I have tried to be more open with him for the last year, but as I had said earlier, a lot of times I'm just cautious to tell him things because I'm afraid it would cause and argument. Why am I not happy now? It's really all because of the constant arguments we have. But aside of that, he's a really nice person.

 

Are you sure this is the kind of man and the kind of relationship you want?

 

I used to be able to answer this and my answer would be yes, this is the kind of man and relationship that I want. But after so many arguments now, I don't know. He is the man that I want, but the kind of relationship we have? I don't think so. What do I do?

[ladyabstrused]

Sorry OP, you might resent me for what I am saying, since you are inlove with this men, but I have nothing to gain by telling you this, so I'm very objective here, while you are blinded by your emotions.

 

I don't resent you for saying what you said. I appreciate your honesty really although it hurts to think that you could be right. I don't want to be in denial so I am trying my best to open my mind and my heart to whatever suggestion and comments that anyone may bring to me.

 

Thank you Professor X & LittleTiger for your inputs. I really appreciate them.

[Professor X]

I'm sorry to tell you, but there's more to life than love. What if you loved him and he would beat you? Would it still be enough? I hope you know the answer is no.

 

Your RS is based on fantasy, yes, how can it not be? You haven't really spend some time together (sorry, but 2 weeks in 4.5 years did nothing but enhance the fantasy world).

 

I've been there, I know how it is, the person you fell in love with isn't the same person he is in RL and same goes vise verse, because a LOT of aspects in your RS are, in RL, empty, so you had to fill them with fantasy stuff. Something like reading a good book, you know how it can hook you, right? and how in most (I dare say all) cases the movies are just worse than the book.

 

You are young, and you are still naive, there's no way you know better because you haven't experienced better, you are stuck at the same place you were when you first met him, because again, you basically had 0 experience in RL.

 

I won't talk about him and his motives, but as a man, I know he's feeling very luck to ensnare a young asian woman. He hasn't got an unstable job and in his 40s, so most likely he couldn't get a woman from his area due to that.

 

I can't tell you that you're gonna have a happy ending cause you won't, this can't work. He (unpurposefully) enchanted you both, and now you, more than he is, blinded by love.

 

I don't know what to tell you, I just feel sorry that you are missing on so many things in life cause you're wasting them on a 40yo man who lives on the side of the globe.

 

P.S. If you had a daughter, would you be OK if when she turned 18, would wanna have a RS with a guy 35yo - someone who is twice her age? (don't tell me she can do what she wants, I wanna ask how do YOU feel about it).

 

P.P.S. You mentioned you guys argue a lot, so that means you don't connect so well. You sure he's with you cause of you and not cause you're young and beautiful?

Edited May 7, 2012 by Professor X

[ladyabstrused]

Hmm. I've got some thinking to do with regard to your post there Professor X. I'll respond at a later time when I have done my analysations. Thank you though.

[blugirl]

From my point of view, you're being naive (yes, lack of experience) and manipulated by him.

 

Don't let him put any bad ideas about yourself in your head - this 'so if he says I'm bad, maybe I really am...?' sounds very similar to me cause I went through a toxic rlship where I was being manipulated and blamed for everything (yes, it was my first relationship when I knew nothing about how a good rlship should look like) so yea.

Besides, looking at the facts (you - Asian, he - white, you being much younger) looks like yet another white man's oriental fantasy and has nothing to do with love. Move on, seriously.

[ladyabstrused]

I'm sorry to tell you, but there's more to life than love. What if you loved him and he would beat you? Would it still be enough? I hope you know the answer is no.

 

Is there more to life than love? Or is it subject to one's believes on this? I guess for some people there are things that are more than love. I can't find another reason besides helping people and doing good to the community. Even all that is another form of love for me. Hmm. I still can't quite process this though, perhaps it depends on individual?

 

Your RS is based on fantasy, yes, how can it not be? You haven't really spend some time together (sorry, but 2 weeks in 4.5 years did nothing but enhance the fantasy world).

 

How can it be fantasy if the both of us interact at real time face to face even though it's just webcam? He's not a fake person or someone I dream of and wake up to nothing.

 

I've been there, I know how it is, the person you fell in love with isn't the same person he is in RL and same goes vise verse, because a LOT of aspects in your RS are, in RL, empty, so you had to fill them with fantasy stuff. Something like reading a good book, you know how it can hook you, right? and how in most (I dare say all) cases the movies are just worse than the book.

 

I find this quite meaningful. Makes sense. Contradicts some of my thoughts thus I had to think about it a little bit before this. You're right though. Sighs. But then, what difference is my relationship to other LDRs? Do you mean to say all LDRs are fantasy-based?

 

so most likely he couldn't get a woman from his area due to that.

 

He's been in several other relationships before and they ended because of women cheating on him and him providing everything to them until he got broke. What would you think of this then?

 

I can't tell you that you're gonna have a happy ending cause you won't, this can't work. He (unpurposefully) enchanted you both, and now you, more than he is, blinded by love.

 

But how can you be so sure that I won't have a happy ending? What if we both can work things out after therapy?

 

I don't know what to tell you, I just feel sorry that you are missing on so many things in life cause you're wasting them on a 40yo man who lives on the side of the globe.

 

What things am I missing out really? I feel quite adequate with what I have. I think.

 

P.S. If you had a daughter, would you be OK if when she turned 18, would wanna have a RS with a guy 35yo - someone who is twice her age? (don't tell me she can do what she wants, I wanna ask how do YOU feel about it).

 

I would talk about it with her and let her know of the difficulties and consequences faced. I will also tell her that if she feels strongly about this, she could go on but I would warn her that it's not going to be easy and if she's up for that after I tell her all my stories? Then she has to promise to keep me in the loop of things so that I know she won't drive herself crazy if she faces issues I am facing now. I would be okay with that if they work out well.

 

Because before this I never imagined being with a much older guy. I always told my friends that 5 years is the limit and no one older. I always said I wanted this and that but no....I fell in love with what I didn't want. So it's really difficult for me to judge for my (if I were to have one) daughter.

 

P.P.S. You mentioned you guys argue a lot, so that means you don't connect so well. You sure he's with you cause of you and not cause you're young and beautiful?

 

We do connect a lot of times, we just don't communicate well. Sometimes he wants something but I don't think about it and then he doesn't mention it and I don't even think about it, then he thinks that I don't care cos I didn't think about what he wants. Vice versa. Then I have to argue cos I do care about him just that my thought or mind processes don't function the same way his does. Then we just argue.

 

What makes you think he would want to be with me just cos I'm "young and beautiful" when there are many many "young and beautiful" ladies around where he's at. Also, you just assume I'm "young and beautiful" lol, thank you for the assumptions.

 

 

From my point of view, you're being naive (yes, lack of experience) and manipulated by him.

 

Hmm. But at times he says I'm the one manipulating him.

 

Don't let him put any bad ideas about yourself in your head - this 'so if he says I'm bad, maybe I really am...?' sounds very similar to me cause I went through a toxic rlship where I was being manipulated and blamed for everything (yes, it was my first relationship when I knew nothing about how a good rlship should look like) so yea.

 

Really? What happened, if you don't mind me asking? So you walked out of the relationship? Was it a LDR?

 

Besides, looking at the facts (you - Asian, he - white, you being much younger) looks like yet another white man's oriental fantasy and has nothing to do with love. Move on, seriously.

 

You know, he always tells me about how it's a white man's fantasy to have an an Asian woman or girlfriend. I never really took him seriously cos I thought he was just playing around. So you're saying that any white man who is with an asian girl is just based on that? What if there is some true love to it really?

[shorty7]

But then, what difference is my relationship to other LDRs? Do you mean to say all LDRs are fantasy-based?

No, not all LDR's are equal. However, there's a big difference between a LDR that starts off as LDR from the get-go (meet online) as opposed to someone who you've been with and known for a long time and then had to live in different countries due to work and/or other circumstances. A LDR starting off with dating online and/or dating as because they've met under serendipidous chance in a strange city and live in different parts of the world--those are the ones based on fantasies.

 

What things am I missing out really? I feel quite adequate with what I have. I think.

Professor X pretty much hit the nail on the head with the "filler" reference. No matter how honest and/or open you are on the phone/email/letters, there's no substitute for warmth of skin next to your own, the smell of sweat and just sheer body language. They say that only 7% of what is being communicated in a message to another person is done solely by spoken words. In your case, you're missing out entirely on the 93% of what you two are trying to say each other. So what you think you understand, there's room to doubt some of that came from just what you want to be there or wish it was there and not because it's the truth.

 

You know, he always tells me about how it's a white man's fantasy to have an an Asian woman or girlfriend. I never really took him seriously cos I thought he was just playing around. So you're saying that any white man who is with an asian girl is just based on that? What if there is some true love to it really?

I'm an Asian woman dating a white guy, but where I am, it's no big surprise or a huge fantasy. It really depends on his geographic location. There are some cultural biases that play part here, but in general, yes, there is some of that going on in America. But I see some Asian girls who'd puncture every condom they use on their American boyfriends as soon as their visas start to expire, so there are stories on both sides of the fence. Each are equally guilty. In my opinion, the "white guy with a fantasy asian gf" shouldn't be really relative in this discussion.

[FitChick]

If he is 40, his parents are probably in their late 60s or early 70s. These days that is not old and few people that age are feeble. Why don't his siblings take care of the parents? I wonder if he is taking care of his parents or if they are taking care of him...

 

Of course, there is a chance this guy is older than he said if his parents are very old and infirm.

 

Something is very strange about this. I wonder if he is gay and in the closet, or just asexual. Perhaps very immature. He is pretending to have a relationship, just like you are. I have had LDRs and this isn't how it's supposed to be.

 

Start looking around your area for men your own age before all the good ones are taken.

[LittleTiger]

Yes and more often than not now, I wonder, is it really me or is it him? Or is it the both of us together? Am I hurting him more just by trying to improve our relationship? Even though he says my leaving would hurt him more, but when we're around each other, we argue and I feel like he's so hurt by the way I am.

 

You ask if 'you' are hurting him, and you feel like 'he' is hurt by the way you are? What about you? How does the relationship make you feel? You are so young and so new to relationships it really concerns me to hear how you are wrapped up in his feelings and how the arguments are affecting him. It is not up to you alone to improve the relationship - it takes two - always!

 

He paid for lodging and the other stuff. But I paid him back. He's got some heavy responsibilities at the moment and I feel that I do not want to burden him with finances.

 

If you paid him back then you paid for the whole trip. You may not want to 'burden' him with finances, but finances are a major consideration in a LDR and, unless you are wealthy, which doesn't sound like the case, it should not be all on your shoulders to finance the relationship.

 

No, he doesn't have a stable income. He's currently looking for a job cos he recently got out of one. He does offer to pay for all the costs but he can't afford it. I wanted to see him as much as he wanted to see me. He said I shouldn't go because he couldn't pay for it but it was my decision to continue the trip and for the next one too. I do it for love, but is it bad to do things because you love someone?

 

There is nothing bad about doing things for someone you love, but it seems you are investing a massive amount both emotionally, financially and time-wise into a man you have no definite future with. This is just my opinion of course but, at your age, life should be a little easier than this.

 

 

Yes. He has to care for his parents who are old and his mum isn't doing so well. Yes, I'm sure these reasons are genuine as I have seen it for myself. Well, because travelling to see me takes a long time and he can't be away from them for too long. As it is, he requires help during the time he's working. He has plans about the moving out and getting care for his parents. It's a tough choice for him because I don't think he wants to just leave his parents under other people's care. Though he doesn't really want to seem affected (maybe because he thinks its not manly enough and also because he feels a little ashamed to still be "living with parents" at this age).

 

When you say he has plans for moving out and getting care for his parents - do you know what those plans are and when they are going to be actioned? If you decide that you want this relationship to go the distance you need to know at least roughly how much longer you will have to wait. 4.5 yrs in a LDR with no physical contact is a huge waste of your life if it doesn't work out in the end.

 

You really think it doesn't appear to be a healthy one? Even if we both love each other and would try to make things better to have a life together? I asked myself this question, why would I commit my life to this guy. And I can list out so many things because he's the most wonderful guy I've ever met. I know I've said negative things about him, but like I said, each person has both sides. It appears that he has more positives than negatives and I just have a hard time dealing with the negative parts of our relationship (which may not necessarily be because of him).

 

Sometimes I feel that I'm not open enough to him and I don't talk things out much and it frustrates him to guess what's going on with me at times. I have tried to be more open with him for the last year, but as I had said earlier, a lot of times I'm just cautious to tell him things because I'm afraid it would cause and argument. Why am I not happy now? It's really all because of the constant arguments we have. But aside of that, he's a really nice person.

 

Yes, I really think it appears unhealthy given the dynamics you have described. Love does not guarantee a healthy relationship. Visit other sections of this board (abuse, addiction & recovery, separation & divorce, infidelity, cheating, flirting and jealousy) and you will learn a lot about unhealthy relationships.

 

He may be the 'most wonderful guy' you've ever met but if you are honest with yourself, how many guys have you actually met in your life so far? If you have been physically intimate with him then you are also emotionally attached in a way that you do not understand because you have no previous experience.

 

From what you say, you are both having a hard time dealing with this relationship and it is happening for lots of reasons - many of which it seems cannot be changed. The most worrying aspect of this is that he is blaming you and you are accepting the blame without good reason.

 

I used to be able to answer this and my answer would be yes, this is the kind of man and relationship that I want. But after so many arguments now, I don't know. He is the man that I want, but the kind of relationship we have? I don't think so. What do I do?

 

Nobody can tell you what to do.

 

If two people are not happy in a relationship and constantly arguing it's a clear signal that something isn't working for one or both of you. In a well established long term relationship, with a history of happy times, it may be possible to put things right if both people can 'work' on the problem. In your case the relationship is not well established because you have spent no significant time together and you are already arguing - you can't even be sure, at this stage, whether the relationship is actually worth saving.

 

Have you sought help/opinions from your parents/family about this? What do they think of your boyfriend, your relationship and your feelings about it all?

[LittleTiger]

No, not all LDR's are equal. However, there's a big difference between a LDR that starts off as LDR from the get-go (meet online) as opposed to someone who you've been with and known for a long time and then had to live in different countries due to work and/or other circumstances. A LDR starting off with dating online and/or dating as because they've met under serendipidous chance in a strange city and live in different parts of the world--those are the ones based on fantasies.

 

I agree that not all LDRs are equal but I disagree with your clasification of what is real and what is a fantasy.

 

A real LDR can include:

 

1. A relationship where two people have met and formed a relationship before being parted for some reason.

 

2. A relationship where two people meet online for the first time but establish regular physical contact in some way. This could be, for example,

a) Visits every few weeks for several days at a time.

b) Visits every few months for several weeks at a time.

In either a) or b), or any other 'regular contact' LDR, the relationship is not based on fantasy because the people involved are establishing a real connection with not only time on skype/phone, but also the time spent physically together.

 

There are a number of LS posters who met their partners online and eventually set up home with their LD loves, so it is a fact that these relationships are very real and sometimes very successful. There are even two LS posters who met each other on LS, conducted a LDR half-way across the world for a couple of years, and are now very happily married.

 

Unfortunately, I have to agree that, in this particular situation, no 'real' relationship has been established because the OP and her boyfriend have only spent two weeks together in the space of 4.5 years. Even without all of the red flags, it seems unlikely that such an arrangement will lead to long term happiness for either of them.

[Professor X]

Is there more to life than love? Or is it subject to one's believes on this? I guess for some people there are things that are more than love. I can't find another reason besides helping people and doing good to the community. Even all that is another form of love for me. Hmm. I still can't quite process this though, perhaps it depends on individual?

It's not as subjective as you think. Life has a lot more to offer than love. The whole idea is to grasp all of those things and not just one. You can't sacrifice everything for love - that's the oldest kind of fantasy. You combine, you love AND care AND respect AND keep your health AND a lot more.

Again, if you loved him but he would beat you, would you still hide behind the statement of love? Be honest.

 

Life is never about 1 thing, it's about everything.

 

How can it be fantasy if the both of us interact at real time face to face even though it's just webcam? He's not a fake person or someone I dream of and wake up to nothing.

It's fantasy, because as I explained with my book analogy, you are missing so many things. He is a real person, I have no doubt, but the connection you have isn't. The way you see him, isn't.

Moreover, it can't possibly be real, because you haven't lived with one another, and you will agree that spending time with someone in real-life is SO much different than talking to them over Skype.

 

I find this quite meaningful. Makes sense. Contradicts some of my thoughts thus I had to think about it a little bit before this. You're right though. Sighs. But then, what difference is my relationship to other LDRs? Do you mean to say all LDRs are fantasy-based?

Your LDR is different because you guys have NOT met - and as I said, that 2 weeks in a period of 4.5 (!!!!!) years is nothing. It doesn't even count because when you met for the first time for such a short period, you were nothing but intoxicated by a mixture of emotions. I am sure you will tell me if I were to ask that those were the best 2 weeks of your life, right? Cause that's how fantasy like it is.

 

Just some fun math: you visiting him for 2 weeks in a period of 4.5 years equals to:

Seeing him once every 117.3 days for 1 day (1 day every 4 months). - that's how much not seeing him you did.

 

He's been in several other relationships before and they ended because of women cheating on him and him providing everything to them until he got broke. What would you think of this then?

How certain are you of his past? Shown you pictures? And also, how can they suck everything out of him until he got broke, was he married?

If not, than why did he give them more than he could afford? - that shows weak character.

Besides, when I said he couldn't get I didn't mean he never had, but when you're at 35 (assuming that's how old he was when you met), and you go after 18yo from other side of the globe, that's a HUGE red flag. That shows he's desperate or worse. (sorry, but you were a kid at the time and he is an adult, for a while no less, and I know you think you are mature to your age, we all think like that, but in reality, we are not).

 

But how can you be so sure that I won't have a happy ending? What if we both can work things out after therapy?

I don't know why you keep speaking of therapy, how can you hope to accomplish anything via therapy if he's on the other side of the globe? You need each other, together, physically to maybe make something happen.

 

And how do I know? Well, IMO, you're RS is just wrong on so many levels. Mostly because of the balance of power in it - greatly tilted in his favor due to you being so naive.

 

What things am I missing out really? I feel quite adequate with what I have. I think.

That's the thing, you miss out on a LOT, and you don't know it because you are closed in your own little fantasy world. The world has so much to offer to such a young woman as yourself. You might feel now content, but like everyone who grows up, you will want to explore, sooner or later, but in your case probably later cause you're currently "hibernating" - stuck in the same place you were 4.5 years ago.

 

I would talk about it with her and let her know of the difficulties and consequences faced. I will also tell her that if she feels strongly about this, she could go on but I would warn her that it's not going to be easy and if she's up for that after I tell her all my stories? Then she has to promise to keep me in the loop of things so that I know she won't drive herself crazy if she faces issues I am facing now. I would be okay with that if they work out well.

I didn't ask what you'd do, I'd ask how you feel. And no, you don't know if they work out well. You don't seem to work out well yourself, and moreover, you don't know if you WILL(future tense) work out well.

Do you honestly think it's normal for a man 40yo to have a RS with a girl your age? Moreover, do you think it's normal that he went after you when u were 18yo as 35yo? (and I hope that was your age at the time).

 

We do connect a lot of times, we just don't communicate well. Sometimes he wants something but I don't think about it and then he doesn't mention it and I don't even think about it, then he thinks that I don't care cos I didn't think about what he wants. Vice versa. Then I have to argue cos I do care about him just that my thought or mind processes don't function the same way his does. Then we just argue.

 

What makes you think he would want to be with me just cos I'm "young and beautiful" when there are many many "young and beautiful" ladies around where he's at. Also, you just assume I'm "young and beautiful" lol, thank you for the assumptions.

First: "Sometimes he wants something but I don't think about it and then he doesn't mention it and I don't even think about it, then he thinks that I don't care cos I didn't think about what he wants." - this is call passive-aggressive and this is very unhealthy.

 

Second: There are many young the beautiful ladies around him, but what makes you think he can get any? Again, he's 40yo, no stable job, broke basically. 20yo girls can get almost anyone they want, I think, and you will agree, they will target guys who at least got something going for them in life.

 

And I am sure he wants you for your beauty and age cause lets face it, what do you bring to the table in this RS? Do you help him with his job? Do you support his family somehow? You will be stay in home mom? Can you even afford such a thing? Sorry, but how much experience do you have in RL to be able to match him in anything? And thus we go back the lack of balance in your RS.

 

I am sure you are pretty to look at, especially with that soft, wrinkle-less skin of yours, because, as you said:

You know, he always tells me about how it's a white man's fantasy to have an an Asian woman or girlfriend. I never really took him seriously cos I thought he was just playing around.

 

So you're saying that any white man who is with an asian girl is just based on that? What if there is some true love to it really?

Not every white man with an Asian girl is that, but a lot are yes. HOWEVER, the age difference is the big kahuna here.

I can tell you that I personally, even though I am not white (nor black), find Asian females to be attractive for the most part - because their Asian, not because they have a beautiful personality.

 

There could always be true love, I won't deny it, but you and him? I don't think it is.

I think your RS is made out of lust, combined with desperation and a lot of fantasy.

[shorty7]

I agree that not all LDRs are equal but I disagree with your clasification of what is real and what is a fantasy.

 

Yes, I agree completely with your post and I should have clarified that 2nd part a bit better about those relationships that start off online or otherwise non-physically tangible forms. ALL relationships, LDR or not, need physical time together, and I apologize if I made it seem like all LDRs starting off online are invalid.

 

I can tell you that I personally, even though I am not white (nor black), find Asian females to be attractive for the most part - because their Asian, not because they have a beautiful personality.

Sorry, I don't mean to deter from the conversation but since you've insisted on this "White man Asian GF fantasy" twice already, I do have to question--What is it about an Asian woman aside from their physical attractiveness or personality that appeals to you, as you say, just because they are Asian?

[Mystical_Nark]

Well we do talk about that, to have patience with one another because we misunderstand each other a lot. Sometimes our patience runs thin and then we blow up on each other. I wish we could be together in physical life now because I think that's probably one of the biggest reasons why we misunderstand things.

 

Body language and facial expressions are absent when we just talk on the phone. His webcam isn't working so .... yeah. :\

 

 

 

Yeah, he had major trust issues from his previous relationships. We did talk about it but I don't know how to deal with this now. I can't even talk about a guy from work then he starts thinking and asking questions about if I have feelings for him or if I've done anything with him. I mean that's ridiculous. I only spoke of having a new boss and he thinks I'm interested. I can't even bring anything up that is related to a guy or he'd get upset and unhappy. He tells me to tell him everything and be open with him but I'm so cautious that it would just lead to arguments everytime I do that.

 

 

 

Well...he offered that. But if I took it up, he would think that I don't want to be with him. And that I just wanted to be away from him. He'd take it personally. It's happened before so many times. If I accept the offer and don't refuse? It ends up in a big argument. If I don't accept the offer and insist of constant communication still, he takes it as a confirmation that I love him or care about him. So I don't know lol. What do I do here?

 

 

 

Thing is, my boyfriend is considerate and he cares about my feelings and my thoughts. Sometimes I find him a little selfish. But most of the time, he's always good to me. I mean I haven't had someone care so much about me in my life. I'm afraid to do a pros and cons list because I'm afraid to find out what the result would be.

 

I honestly feel that I'm the problem-maker in our relationship. Like what he says, I'm inconsiderate, I don't think about how he feels like and what he goes through and I don't show enough care and love towards him. But how do I? Sometimes I feel like I have a hard time understanding what he's going through because he's good at covering up and I can't see him so I can't know what's going on.

 

Thanks though Mystical_Nark for responding. It does make me feel better hearing some input from you. Maybe I can try to work on the pros and cons list. :-s

 

Sorry I'm just now getting back to you on this! But I have read some of the replies you have got back, and I hope they were helpful! A pros and cons list is very difficult to make. It took some courage to really help me make up my mind. I didn't find out that half my friends hated him until we were broken up. I probably would have ended it sooner if I had friends who really voiced how they felt, lol My boyfriend and I have apologized before for being inconsiderate. It happens, especially if you live FAR apart. You're busy with your job and own life, as I'm sure he's busy with his. And it's easy to pity ourselves when we don't feel enough consideration and support. I have been there! Haha I feel like you're a considerate girlfriend, though. You seem to really care about this guy and you want to do the best you can by being a great girlfriend. I would tell him that you're really trying, and that even though it's difficult to see that since you guys are not face-to-face, but he can trust you on it.