Where did I go wrong?

[Chewbacca]

First of all, thank you for reading this, it is much appreciated:

 

Just to add that I posted this 5 months ago but I'm trying to express I still miss her a little and how can I motivate and improve myself the next time.

 

On a summer holiday, I came across a girl from the hotel who found me on a social media site, despite not talking to each other (she came on holiday not long before I left). We are both college students (I'm 2 years older). We have spoken to each other almost every day for 5 months via text message & occassionally skype. She's smart, nice, cute, and she felt special to me (unlike most girls that I have known).

 

We had been very close for those 5 months, and I really didn't want this to end. in December I asked when would you like to meet up and she said in the summer, which I agreed to as we have exams before-hand. She seemed shy but excited. I said it would take time & I want to take it slow as it's difficult, but we can do it, and I might be moving not far from her to a University in September (possibly). I've asked this a few months back too so I kept waiting patiently. She seemed shy about it & barely made eye contact. We used to Skype a lot, laugh a lot and smile a lot. She said I felt special to her & always make her smile, after I asked her in December, because she was really down about her education.

She has said I trust her & she trusts me & I would wait for her, but disaster happened. In February, I asked her again if she'd prefer to meet sooner rather than later. A week later without talking, she texts:

I'll have to blunt saying this but I want to end it.. It was nice to know you.. I'll struggle with distance.. couldn't cope going further... we're bound to meet people who make us feel happy.. hope to continue still being friends.

She didn't want to call either which is more disappointing.

 

So as she claimed she wanted to be friends, as soon as I asked her how she was (in a friendly way) a few months later, she becomes all quiet on social media, noticing her 'favourite' on twitter something like 'feeling lonely.'

 

2 months later, she sent me a long message. I sent her a long message first, apologising in case she felt pressured etc, and I wish we were just friends.

The she sends me a long message. She claims that I wasn't making enough effort (I was, I was always there for her) and I wasn't giving the attention in the best way possible, but others were and they were closer. She said that she claimed this at the beginning, but she didn't, she kept continuing to speak to me, wasting my time. Her excuse was she said she was a b*tch to begin with, so she said she had already warned me. So, if she didn't feel ready and had a bad experience in the past, then why is it ok to suddenly drop me like that?

 

As you can see, it still haunts my mind now and again, when I feel bored or going to sleep. There was no real answer as to why she did this. She isn't in a relationship now, I just feel she's played me or maybe I did something wrong? I felt worthless in the end.

 

Travelling this far proved how committed I wanted to be with this, speaking to someone for so long every day. So of course I was depressed for a very long time, losing what I thought was a good friend to begin with who was pretty and appeared nice, and this happens. I felt worthless.

 

So, where did I go wrong? How can I get my head right?

- I know it has been a long time, but with so many things going on in my life it was very hard to overcome this! I wanted to improve her and feel special and I now feel wasted. Why would somebody speak to you for so long?

 

Thanks

[Rinner]

Hi,

 

First of all I'm sorry to hear it happened like that. It sucks. It seems like you did a lot right by not pressuring her and expressing your feelings. Judging by what you've said it sounds like in the end she was being a bit emotionally abusive.

 

Don't beat yourself up. She might also have been afraid of telling you that she wasn't interested in doing long distance but had a really crappy way of avoiding taking responsibility.

 

I don't think that you went wrong at all. I just think that it didn't work. And if her actions make you feel crappy then maybe it's for the best anyway.

 

I hope that helped.

 

-Rin

[Chewbacca]

Thanks a lot Rin

 

She was a little immature sometimes which didn't help, and I'm worried in case I don't meet someone who is like her but who I believe to be.

 

unfortunately, it has had a little effect on my education, but not too much. Inwas originally going to Uni this year but I feel a gap year is needed to break down the stress. So, would you say she is wrong? I still miss our friendship, I wish I knew why she chose these actions?l.

[Chewbacca]

Hi,

 

First of all I'm sorry to hear it happened like that. It sucks. It seems like you did a lot right by not pressuring her and expressing your feelings. Judging by what you've said it sounds like in the end she was being a bit emotionally abusive.

 

Don't beat yourself up. She might also have been afraid of telling you that she wasn't interested in doing long distance but had a really crappy way of avoiding taking responsibility.

 

I don't think that you went wrong at all. I just think that it didn't work. And if her actions make you feel crappy then maybe it's for the best anyway.

 

I hope that helped.

 

-Rin

 

Reply is above

[justwhoiam]

I think we'd need to know the other side of the coin to really know where you went wrong.

 

Anyway, she's 17, and probably doesn't feel like being tied to anyone so far away right now. Also, I suspect you were a bit suffocating and she ran away.

 

Stop beating yourself up about this. You'll date girls in college. And get over this.

 

If she regrets dropping you, agree with her. Don't start consoling her. She needs to grow up. You're not the worst person on this planet not even deserving a last phone call to call it quits.

 

Now you have to move on.

[Chewbacca]

I think we'd need to know the other side of the coin to really know where you went wrong.

 

Anyway, she's 17, and probably doesn't feel like being tied to anyone so far away right now. Also, I suspect you were a bit suffocating and she ran away.

 

Stop beating yourself up about this. You'll date girls in college. And get over this.

 

If she regrets dropping you, agree with her. Don't start consoling her. She needs to grow up. You're not the worst person on this planet not even deserving a last phone call to call it quits.

 

Now you have to move on.

 

Thanks!

I still think when she's older she'll come back to me, and to be honest I don't want her to, because it's caused me stress.

 

I agree a little, I was a little bit suffocating but she was with her texts for a couple of months, always messaging me every day, but because of my effort, I panicked. I actually think she has issues with herself now, she appears to have multiple personalities or something along the lines of that. She seems shy, confident, talkative, smart, attention-seeking, childish, and so on.

I don't like dating etc, I'd just like a girl who I hope to stick with for the rest of my life or as long as possible. I wouldn't want to be with someone who know I won't marry for example, this is why I wanted to meet her again.

[justwhoiam]

I don't like dating etc, I'd just like a girl who I hope to stick with for the rest of my life or as long as possible.

I know what you mean. I'm like that too. I mean, not looking for anything short-term, ONSs, etc.

So I would say: weigh well the person you want to get to know better. But then, you need to date her, before committing long-term. If you skip that stage, you'll always put yourself into some kind of drama. Keep your energies for someone who's worth it and will love you back. Don't plunge into a relationship just for the sake of it, or because you need stability. Spend some time with the girl before she becomes your girlfriend.

 

I wouldn't want to be with someone who know I won't marry for example, this is why I wanted to meet her again.

I guess this will be necessary somehow. I think it's better to experience dating at some level, before committing irreversably... You need to be more flexible and accept failure. Even if it's out of question for you right now, when you get older (in 15 or 20 years), you might regret inexperience, ignorance about diversity or variety of women, etc.

[Chewbacca]

Don't be friends. Bad idea. Go no contact, and honestly just forget about her.

 

I've been going through worse. GF (22) of 2 years dumped me (27) in May saying she wasn't happy in life and I was the person who seemed to be causing it all, despite my love and affection and efforts toward her happiness. Tried to work things out until June 15 when she told me she just slept with some dude.

 

I go no contact. This past Sunday she calls me, and I call back. Says she misses me and loves me, but she's with another man already. ONE MONTH after I last saw her.

 

The dude she slept with...she had met on Tinder 2 days prior and slept with him the first night they met. He's 25 with a 2 year old kid. She says he calls her beautiful, cooks for her, the sleep over at each other's place, parents and family all get along great, and although she's emotionally vulnerable, she's content. Apparently, all stuff I couldn't provide. ugh Ugh ugh ugh ugh

 

Meanwhile, I'm picking up the million pieces of my broken heart. I cared for her so much. She didn't.

 

Do not stay friends, and ****ing forget about her dude.

 

 

I hate it when these things happen, thanks for sharing mate. Is there a reason why girls do this? Do they actually like you or not? I see myself as a strong person, but this in fact hurt me.

 

I wish I came across her one day and see her reaction, we tend to visit the same holiday destination so one year it could happen.

 

It makes me feel sick, this is basically catfishing in my opinion. What type of girl is she?

 

I wish I could speak to her, just to see her view. It's disgusting. What next?

 

Edit: I feel for you, so does she still

miss you?

Edited July 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Chewbacca]

I know what you mean. I'm like that too. I mean, not looking for anything short-term, ONSs, etc.

So I would say: weigh well the person you want to get to know better. But then, you need to date her, before committing long-term. If you skip that stage, you'll always put yourself into some kind of drama. Keep your energies for someone who's worth it and will love you back. Don't plunge into a relationship just for the sake of it, or because you need stability. Spend some time with the girl before she becomes your girlfriend.

 

I guess this will be necessary somehow. I think it's better to experience dating at some level, before committing irreversably... You need to be more flexible and accept failure. Even if it's out of question for you right now, when you get older (in 15 or 20 years), you might regret inexperience, ignorance about diversity or variety of women, etc.

 

Yeah I understand you. Do you think she was more in the wrong than myself. I'm confused as to why somebody would speak to you every day for months but not want to meet up. It appears a little catfishy. I find it very sad we will most likely never speak again. Why do you think somebody would do this & do you have an assumption as to why she made these actions & what she thinks of me now?

Edited July 21, 2014 by Chewbacca

[EmbeddedCortex]

Don't be friends. Bad idea. Go no contact, and honestly just forget about her.

 

I've been going through worse. GF (22) of 2 years dumped me (27) in May saying she wasn't happy in life and I was the person who seemed to be causing it all, despite my love and affection and efforts toward her happiness. Tried to work things out until June 15 when she told me she just slept with some dude.

 

I go no contact. This past Sunday she calls me, and I call back. Says she misses me and loves me, but she's with another man already. ONE MONTH after I last saw her.

 

The dude she slept with...she had met on Tinder 2 days prior and slept with him the first night they met. He's 25 with a 2 year old kid. She says he calls her beautiful, cooks for her, the sleep over at each other's place, parents and family all get along great, and although she's emotionally vulnerable, she's content. Apparently, all stuff I couldn't provide. ugh Ugh ugh ugh ugh

 

Meanwhile, I'm picking up the million pieces of my broken heart. I cared for her so much. She didn't.

 

Do not stay friends, and ****ing forget about her dude.

[justwhoiam]

Do you think she was more in the wrong than myself

People will come and go in your life. That's just some natural process.

 

why somebody would speak to you every day for months but not want to meet up

That happens so often. People freak out, when looks are left out of the interaction for some time. But I don't think that's your case. She's young, and excitement takes over at times. Then she slowly came to her senses, and decided to quit talking to you. Maybe someone else caught her interest, but that ended soon.

 

what she thinks of me now?

I have no idea honestly. I can guess she looks back on your conversation and time together, thinking it might have gone on, and maybe it was going to be great. Maybe she thinks of you now and then, and tries to guess what meeting you would have been like. Stuff like that.

 

Anyway, really, now it's time to move on.

[EmbeddedCortex]

I hate it when these things happen, thanks for sharing mate. Is there a reason why girls do this? Do they actually like you or not? I see myself as a strong person, but this in fact hurt me.

 

I wish I came across her one day and see her reaction, we tend to visit the same holiday destination so one year it could happen.

 

It makes me feel sick, this is basically catfishing in my opinion. What type of girl is she?

 

I wish I could speak to her, just to see her view. It's disgusting. What next?

 

Edit: I feel for you, so does she still

miss you?

 

They do this to get validation from the attention you give them. They also do this so that they do not feel guilty about how they use you and take advantage of you.

 

It's pretty stupid how she said, I miss you so much, I will always love you, I care for you.....but then she's banging some other guy literally days after our breakup.

 

I'm more stupid for actually falling for it again and giving her sympathetic attention.

Edited July 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Chewbacca]

People will come and go in your life. That's just some natural process.

 

That happens so often. People freak out, when looks are left out of the interaction for some time. But I don't think that's your case. She's young, and excitement takes over at times. Then she slowly came to her senses, and decided to quit talking to you. Maybe someone else caught her interest, but that ended soon.

 

I have no idea honestly. I can guess she looks back on your conversation and time together, thinking it might have gone on, and maybe it was going to be great. Maybe she thinks of you now and then, and tries to guess what meeting you would have been like. Stuff like that.

 

Anyway, really, now it's time to move on.

 

So if you had to blame someone, would you blame her?

I remember her when I asked her to meet up, saying she must ask her parents. Then, when she sent me a long message months later, she said they wouldn't be bothered. So, she's obviously very confused and causes problems with other people's lives.

 

I accepted to just be friends, I would be quite happy for her just to be someone who I can speak to when I have nothing to do, so I can communicate with somebody at home. I don't want romance anymore, I just want her as a friend because I will meet somebody better (hopefully) at university.

 

I would love to see her reaction or thoughts on me.

[Chewbacca]

They do this to get validation from the attention you give them. They also do this so that they do not feel guilty about how they use you and take advantage of you.

 

It's pretty stupid how she said, I miss you so much, I will always love you, I care for you.....but then she's banging some other guy literally days after our breakup.

 

I'm more stupid for actually falling for it again and giving her sympathetic attention.

 

I think letting go after so much effort is a major issue, it was for me. I was determined and as a sportsman, I never give up.Also, her banging somebody else proves she isn't for you, she's basically a bit of a sl*g.

 

I like to go for loyal girls who I hope are virgins (I'm still young), sweet, quiet etc. She was to me but obviously weird and had issues. This is actually the first girl I have been making effort with ever. With others, I made it clear I wasn't interested from the beginning.

[TMichaels]

...and as a sportsman...

 

Well then Chewbacca, you should know and understand "you win some and you lose some."

 

Nothing more to be gained by analyzing this thing to death. It's time you hitch up your big boy britches and move on.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[ExpatInItaly]

Well then Chewbacca, you should know and understand "you win some and you lose some."

 

Nothing more to be gained by analyzing this thing to death. It's time you hitch up your big boy britches and move on.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

This. OP, you have been dwelling on this for a long time. In kindness, the problem is no longer who is to blame, why she did it, etc, etc...it's your inability to move on. That should concern you more than anything. The way you keep seeking to assign blame and label her as multiple-personalities (which you are in no position to do, as I'm sure you realize) and over-analyze the situation indicates you could have some issues with attachment. Nobody should have the power to absorb your thoughts so much, especially after a brief online relationship and so much time since it ended.

 

Forget her. It's over.

[Chewbacca]

This. OP, you have been dwelling on this for a long time. In kindness, the problem is no longer who is to blame, why she did it, etc, etc...it's your inability to move on. That should concern you more than anything. The way you keep seeking to assign blame and label her as multiple-personalities (which you are in no position to do, as I'm sure you realize) and over-analyze the situation indicates you could have some issues with attachment. Nobody should have the power to absorb your thoughts so much, especially after a brief online relationship and so much time since it ended.

 

Forget her. It's over.

 

I had a problem to begin with. My current friends close by are at Uni so they were always busy and I could rarely see them, but she became a close friend and I did to her. As a result, I had hardly anybody to speak to & I got depressed afterwards, because I missed being friends together. I wasn't too bothered that a relationship could develop, I would've been happy as friends but it appears she doesn't want to be, even though she said she did.

 

She didn't know what she wanted, and I think she may have personality issues without sounding harsh. Yes, I was going through a hard time too. I think we were both confused too. She gave me compliments as did I, such as she would talk about me going uni and herself staying at my house for the weekend etc. Also, I had little interest to begin with, she had interest, and I tried to help her feel happy and not be scared. I wanted her to feel like she was loved by someone who I thought she liked, but it became confusing.

 

I don't like unsolved problems, I wish I could solve it, just to be platonic friends. My romantic feelings have gone since 2 months ago, it's just the friendship I miss. Thanks for your help

[Rinner]

So if you had to blame someone, would you blame her?

I remember her when I asked her to meet up, saying she must ask her parents. Then, when she sent me a long message months later, she said they wouldn't be bothered. So, she's obviously very confused and causes problems with other people's lives.

 

I accepted to just be friends, I would be quite happy for her just to be someone who I can speak to when I have nothing to do, so I can communicate with somebody at home. I don't want romance anymore, I just want her as a friend because I will meet somebody better (hopefully) at university.

 

I would love to see her reaction or thoughts on me.

It will just hurt more and cause more drama if you get caught up on who to blame.

 

Sometimes you just have to accept that things didn't work out, and that's all there is to it.

[Chewbacca]

It will just hurt more and cause more drama if you get caught up on who to blame.

 

Sometimes you just have to accept that things didn't work out, and that's all there is to it.

 

I agree. I probably panicked and got caught up in it. I remember one time though towards the end, I explained that this is something we need to plan together and work at, she nodded and apologised for being a b*tch occasionally and doesn't mean to hurt me.

A week later, she started being immature, texting somebody whilst on skype, and ignored what I said. So I got really angry with this and asked her when she would like to meet, sooner rather than later. She put her head down, and she didn't skype me ever again. She just texted for 2 weeks and later said she can't do it.

 

This was 4-5 months ago now though, and she appears to be single and just have friends that are girls. So, I think she was just being flirty with someone and used them for attention. I shouldn't have asked her again after that but it stressed me out, explaining a week before about the situation and then she does this, playing little games.

 

Others have told me you should never be friends with her again, she is a b*tch & I deserve better. Because I spoke to her for so long I didn't want to give up. If it was just for the sake of a few weeks, I would be ok with it. So, yes it didn't work out but it could be said that she just used me for attention and someone to speak to?

[Rinner]

I agree. I probably panicked and got caught up in it. I remember one time though towards the end, I explained that this is something we need to plan together and work at, she nodded and apologised for being a b*tch occasionally and doesn't mean to hurt me.

A week later, she started being immature, texting somebody whilst on skype, and ignored what I said. So I got really angry with this and asked her when she would like to meet, sooner rather than later. She put her head down, and she didn't skype me ever again. She just texted for 2 weeks and later said she can't do it.

 

This was 4-5 months ago now though, and she appears to be single and just have friends that are girls. So, I think she was just being flirty with someone and used them for attention. I shouldn't have asked her again after that but it stressed me out, explaining a week before about the situation and then she does this, playing little games.

 

Others have told me you should never be friends with her again, she is a b*tch & I deserve better. Because I spoke to her for so long I didn't want to give up. If it was just for the sake of a few weeks, I would be ok with it. So, yes it didn't work out but it could be said that she just used me for attention and someone to speak to?

I don't think that if she was trying to get attention online she would do it that way. It's too easy to get multiple peoples attention online.

 

I think you could be friends with her - but not until you accept the idea that it will only be an online friendship and the terms will not be all yours and you are not a #1 priority in her life.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree. I probably panicked and got caught up in it. I remember one time though towards the end, I explained that this is something we need to plan together and work at, she nodded and apologised for being a b*tch occasionally and doesn't mean to hurt me.

A week later, she started being immature, texting somebody whilst on skype, and ignored what I said. So I got really angry with this and asked her when she would like to meet, sooner rather than later. She put her head down, and she didn't skype me ever again. She just texted for 2 weeks and later said she can't do it.

 

This was 4-5 months ago now though, and she appears to be single and just have friends that are girls. So, I think she was just being flirty with someone and used them for attention. I shouldn't have asked her again after that but it stressed me out, explaining a week before about the situation and then she does this, playing little games.

 

Others have told me you should never be friends with her again, she is a b*tch & I deserve better. Because I spoke to her for so long I didn't want to give up. If it was just for the sake of a few weeks, I would be ok with it. So, yes it didn't work out but it could be said that she just used me for attention and someone to speak to?

 

Who knows? We don't know her side of the story. And it doesn't matter, in the end. You need to stop trying to demonize her. It keeps you dwelling in anger and it's a waste of your emotional energy. I don't mean this in a cruel way, but you come across as obsessive and too intense. Those are issues that are within you, not caused by her.