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Boyfriend doesn't seem interested in my life? UPDATE: cuddling leads straight to sex

babybrowns

By babybrowns
in Long-Distance Relationships

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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

Posted
Posted (edited)

I have been in a LDR with a man for the past few months. He is very good and kind to me and he does lots of things to make me happy, he is also very supportive e.g he always calls me up after a big race (I like running) or concert that I performed in to see how it went. We Skype frequently and see each other once a month.

 

I have just noticed a recurring issue in this relationship however- he just doesn't appear that interested in *me*.

 

When I talk to him across the table at lunch / dinner, he doesn't seem to really engage. He gets distracted easily and keeps looking around the room. It's not that he's looking at other girls; he looks at all people passing by be it men or women. If we happen to be in a restaurant which has TVs, he looks at the TV more than at me when I'm telling him about something, especially when I have my back to one and it's right in his field of view.

 

He also doesn't tend to ask me many questions about my life or how I feel about this or that. It's mostly me asking him about himself. What's a little sad is that even my (male and female) work colleagues express more interest in my life than he does. However, during long car journeys, I find that I can have good conversations with him and he does fully engage.

 

I know that if I address this issue with him, he will change this behaviour. The reason I haven't done this yet is because interest level is not really something that one can change. I do need to have good emotional connection with someone that I'm dating, but if the surface stuff doesn't interest him, I'm not going to feel like opening up to him about the deeper stuff. But like I said, he is very good to me otherwise.

 

Would anyone be able to offer some advice? Many thanks

Edited by babybrowns
amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

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Maybe he's seeing if you're being checked out or is seeing that you're being checked out A LOT and doesn't know to feel about that.

 

It could be throwing him off or something.

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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One of the problems with LDRs is that someone can send a txt or an email and it can make you feel like you are actually engaged with a real person at that time even though it is really just letters on an electronic screen and a few soundbytes of time.

 

In days of yore before all of this electronic communication, relationships were based on how you interact with someone on a personal level face to face.

 

Face to face is still the reality. It is still the one that counts.

 

Someone can say anything electronically. But how they interact with you in person is how they actually interact with you. That is what is actually real life.

  • Like 1
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Technology is robbing us of our social skills. We are a society where so many don't learn to interact with people face to face, and don't know how to act or engage. Since you only see each other once a month, seeing you in person to him feels like meeting a stranger or someone he hardly knows. We are different in person compared to over text. It might be uncomfortable to him.

 

Like any relationship, you need good communication to keep it healthy. Just ask him why he does that. If he seems to be confused or doesn't acknowledge it....you may have to intervene each time he does it to correct this behavior. I could be as simple as taking his hand and holding it when you talk to him.

 

 

Either that or he has a mild form of Autism or ADHD or Aspbergers.

Edited by smackie9
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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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I'm sorry but I really don't understand why technology is the prime focus of your replies; where have I mentioned technology or texting in my OP? This is nothing to do with texting at all; as I said my boyfriend and I Skype and call a lot. My query is just on how to tackle his apparent disinterest when I have conversations with him at the dinner table.

  • 1 month later...
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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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I've been in a LDR with someone for the last few months. We're both in our mid twenties. We've been meeting up once a month and it's been great. I am flying over to see him just after Christmas for a few days; we are spending NYE together, after spending Christmas with our families. There's just one problem that I have and that is the fact that I don't think my boyfriend misses me when we're apart.

 

He's not really a romantic person and thus doesn't talk about his feelings much, but the occasions that I do tell him I miss him, his response is "Aww you'll see me soon!". At the end of our visits I get a little emotional and tell him I will miss him and he only says "I'm sure you can survive 4 weeks!" This makes the whole thing seem very one-sided to me.

 

When we meet up I do get a sense that I mean something to him, and he has told me that he is serious about me, but when we're apart he only seems to miss me for the first few days and then not much. He does make the effort to stay in touch with me when we're apart.

 

I'm just wondering if I'm doing the right thing going to spend some of the holidays with someone who doesn't seem to think that much of me, at the expense of leaving my family (who I normally spend it with) behind :-/

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
OP request~T
LargoLagg Established Member

LargoLagg

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Go have some fun with him, have the time of your life, then break up as you're about to return home. You're right. If the LDR is not difficult in any way, or maybe your extended absences suit him perfectly, then what's the point?

 

Get a local boy you can squeeze at 3AM. You'll enjoy that a lot more.

  • 2 weeks later...
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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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I have been in a long-distance relationship with a guy for the past few months. Before that we were dating casually, and I felt as though I cared more for him than he did for me. But each time we met, his feelings for me grew until he wanted to make me his girlfriend a few months ago. He has been an excellent boyfriend to me ever since. I have plans to spend a few days with him next week and flights are all booked.

 

This week we had a chat about feelings, and he confessed to me that he feels I care just a little bit more for him than he does for me. Although it was good of him to be honest, I was quite upset by this revelation and considered ending it all.

 

He begged me not to do this and said that his feelings are getting stronger each time he sees me, and that soon they will be as strong as mine. He said it would be "a big shame to throw our relationship away when there is such a small gap in our feelings for each other, a gap that is getting smaller all the time".

 

I am crushed by what he revealed to me, but because I like him so much I am willing to wait for his feelings to get stronger as he says they will. Would anyone have some advice on what to do in this situation?

Edited by babybrowns
VeveCakes Established Member

VeveCakes

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Why do people tell ppl this. Like he didnt want to end things, he just wanted to make it known you like him more? Don't get it. Seems like a dick thing to say to you.

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IfonlyIknew Established Member

IfonlyIknew

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That doesn't make any sense. Either he's in or out. He wants you or not. There is no level of feelings, and he doesn't know if you like him more or vise versa. Sounds to me like he is keeping a distance and buying time saying not to push things. It's like walking on egg shells with someone, "oh if I do this will he think it's too much, I should back off some huh?" Games.

justwhoiam Established Member

justwhoiam

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I have a feeling he just put his foot in his mouth... Some (many?) men would talk about falling into some trap, and to me it's like talking about women's tests or men being put to the test. They haven't figured out yet that what they call "tests" are serious, legit questions for us.

 

My advice is keep up your excitement about him, but let him do the work. I think most women are more giving and caring than men in general, or at least that's about what it shows.

At times, it's like living in a mountain town where it hasn't been snowing for 2 decades. Men have all that it takes to face the snowfall, they just need to take out all the equipment they don't even know they have anymore.

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anika99 Established Member

anika99

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I have a feeling he just put his foot in his mouth... Some (many?) men would talk about falling into some trap, and to me it's like talking about women's tests or men being put to the test. They haven't figured out yet that what they call "tests" are serious, legit questions for us.

 

My advice is keep up your excitement about him, but let him do the work. I think most women are more giving and caring than men in general, or at least that's about what it shows.

At times, it's like living in a mountain town where it hasn't been snowing for 2 decades. Men have all that it takes to face the snowfall, they just need to take out all the equipment they don't even know they have anymore.

 

I agree. I think the OP was likely pushing him to talk about his feelings and he just didn't word things right. It's only been a few months. Just let things develop naturally. You can't demand that someone elses feelings match the same timeline as your own.

  • Like 1
justwhoiam Established Member

justwhoiam

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You're in your mid twenties and spend new year's eve with your parents? I don't know, it's quite odd I guess. You should spend it with young people your age.

 

Regarding him dealing well with the distance, somehow I understand why you're bothered, but on the other hand you should be happy about it. Some guys just drop the girl because they can't deal with the distance. He seems to have found his way to cope with it. He's having a positive attitude. And he's supporting you and cheering you up when you feel low about it. And I'll tell you more. Some guys won't show their weak side, because they feel like they need to be strong in front of you and that it's necessary for the relationship to survive. But then they have their inside struggles and won't share that until later on in the relationship.

 

So consider all that, along with thoughts that he's not that much into you.

Edited by justwhoiam
Chris516 Established Member

Chris516

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Why do people tell ppl this. Like he didnt want to end things, he just wanted to make it known you like him more? Don't get it. Seems like a dick thing to say to you.

While I sort of feel the same way as the OP.

 

I intentionally, have not said anything to my S/O about it. Because I don't want to, 'shoot myself in the foot', or 'put my foot in my mouth'. Emotionally, It is sort of a 'what if', or at least some sort of a letdown. So, I won't set myself up with that kind of question. Just play it cool, calm, and collected.

  • 2 weeks later...
Wild Flowers Member

Wild Flowers

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I think women are more emotional than men. I know I say "I love you" to my man more than he says it to me. Sometimes he says "Thanks", and sometimes he says it back. He does say he misses me though. I don't take offence to it. You just started seeing each other if I read properly. It takes time to love somebody and let it grow. I don't really know anybody that fell in love right away. At the end of the day I know he loves me so it doesn't bother me. Now if you were deeper with him like going on over a year the yeah it would be odd for him to not care for you

  • 2 weeks later...
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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

Posted
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I've been in a LDR with someone for some time and we are planning our first holiday together. I would just like some advice because even though my boyfriend and I have similar interests e.g. Arts and culture, I sometimes feel that he has a lot more energy than me.

 

A lot of our meetups in the relationship have been weekends exploring new towns in the middle of both of us, and he has always wanted to pack in lots of sightseeing into these weekends and visiting many different attractions which although fun I have sometimes found a little exhausting and yearned for more 'quiet time' with him. He's someone that loves to always be 'doing something'.

 

Now it's not that I'm lazy or anything like that; in fact I completed my first half-marathon a couple months back! It's just that I do need a bit of both in a relationship. I have spoken to my boyfriend about this and he has cared to allow us to have more 'quiet quality time' in meetups now when we go to visit each other, but I am just a bit concerned that this pattern will recur on a holiday and leave me feeling exhausted and not able to enjoy it as much.

 

I am wondering what is the best way to avoid this on holiday- sitting down and planning an itinerary of the holiday beforehand? Factoring in some 'me-time'? Advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks :)

Edited by babybrowns
BlackCherry Member

BlackCherry

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An itinerary sounds like a great idea! You can factor in some time doing the sightseeing active stuff and downtime too (say, block out a couple evenings or afternoons in the week to just meander aimlessly or let him go see something you're not fussed about while you read a book in a cafe).

 

The act of itinerary planning can be a really fun way to get you both excited about the holiday looking up stuff to do and ease your own concerns beforehand that you won't get enough downtime. Have fun.

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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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I've been with my boyfriend for the last few months. Things are great but sometimes I feel that his sex drive is way too high. Anytime I want to just cuddle/ be affectionate, he goes to get a condom and wants to have sex there and then.

 

Unfortunately I can't even feel close to him during sex; although the sex is 'active' it isn't very 'passionate'. He never kisses me or holds me unless I specifically ask him to and then he'll just give me a quick peck before continuing the movements. I just don't enjoy it.

 

All this has just led to me not feeling physically excited with him anymore; he just never want someone to cuddle or hold me and anytime we do anything like that it always has to leap to intercourse.

 

Would anyone have advice on this?

GunslingerRoland Established Member

GunslingerRoland

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How often do you guys actually have sex? Because if he's jumping you 3 times a day every time you touch him, then I can see your frustration, but if you guys don't have sex that often it's easy to see how it leads to sex.

 

Can you cuddle after sex?

 

Also what about when you aren't in private? Can't you cuddle with him in those situations when it isn't going to lead to sex?

Jj66 Established Member

Jj66

Posted
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I've been with my boyfriend for the last few months. Things are great but sometimes I feel that his sex drive is way too high. Anytime I want to just cuddle/ be affectionate, he goes to get a condom and wants to have sex there and then.

 

Unfortunately I can't even feel close to him during sex; although the sex is 'active' it isn't very 'passionate'. He never kisses me or holds me unless I specifically ask him to and then he'll just give me a quick peck before continuing the movements. I just don't enjoy it.

 

All this has just led to me not feeling physically excited with him anymore; he just never want someone to cuddle or hold me and anytime we do anything like that it always has to leap to intercourse.

 

Would anyone have advice on this?

 

Pretty simple. Find someone who likes to cuddle.

  • Like 1
RecentChange Established Member

RecentChange

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What does he do to address your needs? What does he do to make sure you are satisfied as well? Anything?

 

And it's troubling that you have had to tell him more than once to kiss you etc.

 

Do you two ever just kiss and make out? Cuddles, to condoms with a short peck of a kiss when requested sounds - crappy.

  • Like 1
RecentChange Established Member

RecentChange

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Posted

Ugh, just saw your other thread where you said he doesn't seem to take an interest in YOU.

 

Sex is the ultimate form of communication. It's about LISTENING to your partner, their body laugage, their physical response, their sounds and words, and taking that information and adjusting what you are doing.

 

This is what makes great sex, and the best communicators are often the best partners. They can tell you what they like, and they LISTEN to what you want. It can make a good partner appear like a mind reader, which is a wonderful experience.

 

Having sex with a man who doesn't LISTEN is like having a conversation with someone who does nothing but talk - not very enjoyable, and soon you will want to exit the conversation.

 

Sounds like your BF is a poor commutator, and doesn't realize how important it is to LISTEN to you.

  • Like 1
Lilyana76 Established Member

Lilyana76

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sex isnt good or passionate, he doesn't cuddle

 

hmm what kind of relationship is this?

 

Time to find someone who will make your toes curl and cuddle!

  • Like 1
central Established Member

central

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Advice? Yes. Break up with him and set the poor guy free to find someone with a compatible sex drive.

  • Like 3
Robert Established Member

Robert

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Note from moderation: we have merged 5 of the threadstarter's threads for context. ~6

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