I've made my decision-- needed!

[Zapbasket]

Thanks to everyone who's been following my story and posting advice. It's been an incredible boost.

 

A few weeks ago I started a thread entitled, "The Urge to Contact Him is Killing Me." It's been 8 months since the first "stage" of our breakup, over 7 months since we've seen each other, and over 6 months since his cold, angry e-mail to me, the contents of which I've posted in this and other threads.

 

I have decided to contact him. I saw a yootube video of Laird Hamilton, the extreme surfer, sailing through an enormous tsunami of a wave and when asked why he put himself at such risk he said, "Because I feel the most alive in these conditions. Face it: we used to be at high risk every day, from wild beasts, from everything under the sun. Now we've gone too far in the other extreme--we can go through our whole lives never really taking a risk." It's true. If I don't do this, I'll always wonder "what if." I don't really know whether I'm "prepared" for whatever his response might be; if it's really cold or nasty or otherwise door-slamming or degrading I may well drown in misery and anger. I guess I'll just have to trust that I'll somehow get through it--I'm not going to be slammed into a coral-spiked sea floor if this proves to be the wrong move.

 

So I need your help with what to write. I've bought a blank card with a simple non-"girly" design on the front and I'm going to mail it to him with my return address showing that I now live in Manhattan. Inside this is what I'm thinking of saying:

[GreenCove's Loved One],

 

How are you doing? This week notwithstanding it's been an unusually beautiful summer in terms of weather and I hope you've been enjoying it. I'

m

living in Manhattan now--it would be really good to see you sometime for a coffee or drink. Hope all is well with you.

 

Take care,

Green Cove

 

My aim is to sound respectful, dignified, and clear without being over-eager. I'm afraid of sounding desperate, lame, pathetic, or like I've got something big up my sleeve.

 

Some questions: should I include a vague line about what I've been doing to enjoy the summer? Like, "I've gotten to do some good kayaking with promise of more soon, which is great." Should I leave out "coffee or drink"--or just leave out "drink"? Should I directly ASK him if he'll see me? Like, "I'm living in Manhattan now--could we meet up sometime?"

 

Any input welcome. Help! I want to get this in the mail tonight so I can not have to think about it as much as possible the rest of the weekend.

 

Thanks everybody.

[melodymatters]

That all sounds very calm and dignified. I wouldn't change a thing, and you are right : nothing ventured nothing gained !

[corazoncito]

I agree with MM, if you're going to write him, I think keeping the note brief and to the point is best.

 

Good luck!

[Zapbasket]

Thanks guys--should I be more specific about WHY I'd want to meet up? Like, "I'd really like us to be friends." See, I left that out because I don't want to define what we're doing from the get-go. I'm hoping that the fact alone of my sending him a communication, speaks everything that needs to be said regardless of its contents: that I still think of him, that I've missed him obviously or I wouldn't be sticking my neck out, that I don't think he's a jerk. It doesn't *necessarily* suggest I haven't "moved on," does it?

 

If you were the recipient of this letter, what do you imagine you'd feel? He was very hurt and angry at the time of our breakup.

 

Sorry--I just need to obsess about this a little more before I seal it up in an envelope and can't change anything. I'm shivering right now!

[melodymatters]

I'm sorry but I don't know your back story. WHY was he hurt and angry ? Who initiated the break up and what was the cause ?

 

Regardless, unless you tell me he beat you or cheated on you, I think the letter is fine, and DON'T add anything else, don't overthink, what you have is perfect.

[underpants]

Go Greencove,

 

I am glad you have decided to ...decide.

 

I agree with Melody. It is perfect the way it is. Leave good enough alone. Maybe an email address or phone # (unless he already has yours)

 

Now send it and go directly to your calendar and circle...Sept 8.

 

If you hear nothing by then you have to begin the process of thinking of a future without x.

 

If you do hear from him post before meeting. Don't add anything else to what you have written. Less is more.

 

Good luck.

[Zapbasket]

I'm eating breakfast now and then I'm going to take a shower and head out for the day. When I leave, the letter is coming with me and going to the mailbox. This is my last chance to prevent myself from making a gross error of judgment, if that's what it is.

 

A friend who was friends with my partner before I met him hypothesized to me last night that HE'S probably not ready to communicate with me. She doesn't understand what I see in him and said in her opinion he's a "Joe Schmoe" who has nothing interesting to say, he's a nice guy who was very helpful to her but basically she thinks he couldn't handle me a) because (in her opinion) I'm smarter than he is, b) I'm too independent for him, c) I'm too passionate for him, and some other things I've now forgotten. She thinks he'll go after some cute girl with not much interesting to say so that he can always feel like he wears the pants in the relationship, and she thinks that a big reason I was attracted to him was because he, unlike me, has a big, loving family and I felt "safe" with him because of that.

 

She went on to say that I'm a very forgiving person and I am much more willing to give people second chances than she or anyone else she knows is. She said that for her, when someone cuts her off and refuses to speak to her, sure she's sad, but ultimately that person has just revealed to her that s/he is not worthy of her friendship.

 

Now, it's true that I'm apt to give people I ever cared about many chances before I stop seeking them out and give up on them. It's not that I don't have boundaries, I don't think, because I do discern pretty readily when I'm not being treated the way I feel I should be treated. I have no tolerance for rudeness from people I dislike; I don't usually call them out on it because the drama isn't worth my time; I just simply stop communicating with them unless absolutely necessary.

 

But my friend's words made me think about this situation. I was no saint in this relationship and did do and say things that would reasonably make him angry. But I don't feel that anything that happened between us merited the disrespect he exhibited toward me at the end. He degraded me at the end, which is why it's so hard for me to feel I can write to him: if we'd broken off with some mutual respect shown one another at the end, then I wouldn't have to feel like the scraggly scoundrel a*s in writing to him. And I wonder whether it's not time to not be so forgiving. Why shouldn't he have to sit with those last words he spoke to me? Why should I give him a "free pass" by writing to him? Doesn't my writing to him only tell him that I feel I must have DESERVED to be spoken to like that in his e-mail?

 

I guess while on the one hand writing him makes me feel and look (in his eyes) pathetic, on the other hand the truth is that I can extend a second chance because frankly I have contempt for how he handled himself in writing that last e-mail to me. I think that was so childish and I feel like I am a very strong personality and so a part of me feels it's nothing to extend these "second chances" because I've already decided I'm above their shi**y behavior.

 

I don't know; just thinking outloud and questioning how I draw my boundaries. I must say that as crummy as this time in my life has felt, being in the "darkness" like this has given me opportunity to examine things about myself I've not bothered to examine in some time. It hurts, but hopefully I can emerge much more strong.

 

Any thoughts on this are welcome. I really learn from you guys on here!

[underpants]

Did you include an email or phone number in your note?

 

Go ahead and send it. You made the decision so do it. It is not a Gross Error, simply an action.

 

Don't start thinking (I know you like to do this) about second chances and all that jazz.

 

Just send the note and let whatever happens happen.

 

It will be okay whatever the outcome.

 

Just do it....

[Zapbasket]

Yes, I included my phone number. Don't know how he could have forgotten it given this is the number I've had since September 2003, but just in case.

 

I guess underpants that this is a second chance FOR ME. When the whole breakup happened I was not as dignified as I'd have liked to have been. At first I told him, "Don't contact me unless you want to get back together," and then I turned around and contacted him, and when our 5-year anniversary rolled around in January I sent him a picture of us ice skating on a previous anniversary and asked if he'd just please come out ice skating and see how it felt. I asked if we could please discuss this together so that we could give BOTH OF OURSELVES better closure. I sent a long letter to him apologizing for the various things I felt I mishandled and said I hoped we could try again on a better footing.

 

He threw all of that back in my face. He was ugly to me on the phone; he told me to get lost. I am someone who believes that when people act like that they don't feel good about themselves for doing it, but something about what my friend was saying to me made me think that maybe some people do things like that and really don't feel any compunction.

 

I'm second-guessing because maybe I really can just accept that this is it with him--"it" meaning the ugliness at the end is the way it's just going to be and we can't sit over coffee and shoot the breeze and have an amicable acquaintanceship. I guess what I want from him by writing to him is some kind of RESPECT. But I don't really need it from him. I mean, if after 5 years with me he has no respect for me, then screw him. And if it's not about respect, but the feeling he had that he just "can't handle me," then it's so much his loss it's not even funny. And if that's the case then he's proven himself not to be equal to me, which is what my friend was saying: that we were not equals, leaving him constantly feeling overwhelmed and me constantly feeling overbearing.

 

As for the "thinking." Yes, I have a brain and I'm going to use it. Look, it's a crossroads for me PERSONALLY in a way that has nothing to do with him. Of course I'm going to bloody well think about what I'm doing here. Maybe it's time for me not to look so idealistically at people's behavior and just cultivate the attitude that if people are fine with their *****y behavior then it's not MY job to try to make it right. He was ugly towards me, he said he wants nothing to do with me, so I should give him what he wants. This line of thinking is new to me. I tend to believe that NO ONE feels good when connections are severed in an ugly way.

[norajane]

Have you forgiven him for the nasty way he ended things, and the pain you've been feeling? Because your note certainly does imply that all is forgiven and forgotten.

[underpants]

Yes, I included my phone number. Don't know how he could have forgotten it given this is the number I've had since September 2003, but just in case.

 

Okay, sounds good. That with the short note you wrote earlier. That should do it perfectly. Have you dropped it in the mail? I say go ahead, just do it. Then I really would suggest you mark your calendar for Sept 8.

 

I guess underpants that this is a second chance FOR ME. When the whole breakup happened I was not as dignified as I'd have liked to have been. At first I told him, "Don't contact me unless you want to get back together," and then I turned around and contacted him, and when our 5-year anniversary rolled around in January I sent him a picture of us ice skating on a previous anniversary and asked if he'd just please come out ice skating and see how it felt. I asked if we could please discuss this together so that we could give BOTH OF OURSELVES better closure. I sent a long letter to him apologizing for the various things I felt I mishandled and said I hoped we could try again on a better footing.

 

This is the past. It is just the past. You have to let some of that go and get out of dwelling on past things. Especially if you attempt another friendship or anything else with this guy. Even for yourself. Gots to let it go. Learn from it and I know that is where you are at, but you have to put it away to move forward.

 

 

He threw all of that back in my face. He was ugly to me on the phone; he told me to get lost. I am someone who believes that when people act like that they don't feel good about themselves for doing it, but something about what my friend was saying to me made me think that maybe some people do things like that and really don't feel any compunction.

 

I cannot speak for him. Some people do get ugly when it is over. It is a defense mechanism. I've done it. It severs ties and forces a break. Not always the best approach but when overwhelmed some folks act out in this way. I am thinking he did really care for you and respect you. You two dated for 5 years. Something had to be there. Ending a relationship of that duration is hard for both sides. His anger may have been misplaced. Not excusing it, but just offering an explanation.

 

I'm second-guessing because maybe I really can just accept that this is it with him--"it" meaning the ugliness at the end is the way it's just going to be and we can't sit over coffee and shoot the breeze and have an amicable acquaintanceship. I guess what I want from him by writing to him is some kind of RESPECT. But I don't really need it from him. I mean, if after 5 years with me he has no respect for me, then screw him. And if it's not about respect, but the feeling he had that he just "can't handle me," then it's so much his loss it's not even funny. And if that's the case then he's proven himself not to be equal to me, which is what my friend was saying: that we were not equals, leaving him constantly feeling overwhelmed and me constantly feeling overbearing.

 

I like this. So true. This might be a big conflict that could have led to a very unbalanced union. Sad, but this could very well be the case. Some people just can't be friends with an ex. It is a reminder or it prevents them from getting past the past. This is not a reflection on you. It could just be the way he handles this type of stress.

 

I have an old ex that dumped me after 3-4 years. 12 years later I had to contact him for a reunion event. He is married with a child and he still hates me or was very angry toward my contact. Funny. It validated the break up, even 12 years later. I was glad I didn't wind up having to cater to his anger and resentment about little shat. He is still the same I imagine.

 

As for the "thinking." Yes, I have a brain and I'm going to use it. Look, it's a crossroads for me PERSONALLY in a way that has nothing to do with him. Of course I'm going to bloody well think about what I'm doing here. Maybe it's time for me not to look so idealistically at people's behavior and just cultivate the attitude that if people are fine with their *****y behavior then it's not MY job to try to make it right. He was ugly towards me, he said he wants nothing to do with me, so I should give him what he wants. This line of thinking is new to me. I tend to believe that NO ONE feels good when connections are severed in an ugly way.

 

Yea, it sucks. You can't open up somebody's brain and put it in there. There is no point of view gun, although I wish there was. You are right it is not your job to fix people. You can certainly reach out. Time has gone by and he might be past those bad feelings. Maybe not.

 

If he has a pattern of harshness, anger or resentments. You might need to realize that this is not a compatible personality for you. Heck, you might sit across from him and feel absolutely nothing. I have found it is impossible to really change anyone. You can influence people to make changes for themselves sometimes but, even that is rare. All you can do is your best for youself and evaluate potential mates along the way. If they can't be an equal partner to you then let them go.

 

Good luck Greencove. Let us know what happens.

[Zapbasket]

I feel enough love for him still that I could forgive him IF he responds in such a way that validates the feelings I still have for him. If he's nasty again, then after being heartbroken afresh for a while I'll honestly have to say that someone that committed to his grudges isn't someone I could be with. If he ignores my letter then I'll go through a period when I'm full-blown furious with him and that will probably hurt the most. If he replies wanting to get back together (an unlikely possibility) of course I'd be thrilled beyond belief, but sadly I fear that it would be very difficult for me to make myself vulnerable to him in that way again after all that's transpired over the past 8 months.

 

So I guess this letter is more of a "test" than a genuine statement of forgiveness. It's an INVITATION for him to handle things better than he did. I've never been on the receiving end of a communication like this so I don't really know how transparent it is or not.

[norajane]

So I guess this letter is more of a "test" than a genuine statement of forgiveness. It's an INVITATION for him to handle things better than he did. I've never been on the receiving end of a communication like this so I don't really know how transparent it is or not.

 

I think if he felt guilt or regret at his last words and how things ended, or if he was worried about you, the note would very likely put his mind at ease.

 

It's a note he could feel comfortable responding to if he did want to get back in contact with you, meaning he wouldn't fear that you were harboring anger and pain that he'd have to deal with.

[Mr. Lucky]

A few weeks ago I started a thread entitled, "The Urge to Contact Him is Killing Me." It's been 8 months since the first "stage" of our breakup, over 7 months since we've seen each other, and over 6 months since his cold, angry e-mail to me, the contents of which I've posted in this and other threads.

I hope it goes well for you. I would, however, caution you not to expect too much. If he shared your current feelings or regret over the break-up and separation, 6 months is plenty of time for him to have initiated some contact. He's probably moved on.

 

Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Zapbasket]

Thanks Lucky. I agree with you. I know putting this letter out there is going to hurt unless he replies and is game to meet up. From there I'm open to a number of outcomes. But if he's ugly or ignores me, it's really going to hurt. I guess at this point I feel I've struggled against not contacting him for so long that the only way to move onto the next stage--of grief, or towards some form of reconciliation--is to take this chance.

 

I agree that 6 months is more than enough time for him to take some action to meliorate his regrets, but knowing him it's also possible that he feels those regrets/wishes things were different but won't take the initiative because it's too risky. I accept that with him I'm always the one who has to take the initiative. The thing is, I notice that this is the case with everyone I know except for two of my friends. This experience with my partner-no-longer is making me very aware of that, hence my questioning in the posts above of how I handle interpersonal matters. Maybe it's time for me to grow a tougher skin and hold out for people who are equals in every sense, who take initiative, as well.

 

I mean, it's not that my partner isn't my equal. He's smart, well-liked, good-looking, comes from "quality" stock, athletic, has a lot of interests--and these are all things I know to be true of myself, as well. But I guess except in the athletic and close family departments, I'm MORE than his equal, and I always felt that and I think, unfortunately, so did he. I'm not getting on a high horse here just stating what I felt to be true. I thought it was okay that we had these inequalities because I felt various of our personality attributes balanced them out which I always felt made us a wonderful match.

[Nek]

Isn't "Lets have coffee" synonymous with "Lets have sex" ?

 

 

e.g. "Want to come in for coffee?"

 

I remember the first time I was told about it. A friend of a friend was a very shy indoors kinda guy (like me) who wasn't very good at "the game". He meets some chick at a club and gives her a lift home. She asks him that question and he says "sure", not knowing the meaning. Ahh, apparently he wasn't attracted to her at all, just thought she was a nice person and would give her a lift. I believe it ended in an awkward kitchen scene and him driving home in a panic.

 

Sorry to go off topic. I'm anxious to hear how it goes for you. Just thought I'd share a humerous anecdote.

[Zapbasket]

I think after a night at a club and a ride home, "Let's have coffee [at my place]" is most definitely a booty call. I'm surprised your friend wouldn't immediately have gleaned that from the context. I'm also surprised that he didn't just go for it after she came on to him!

 

 

I love how you euphemized that whole part: "...awkward kitchen scene and him driving home in a panic." Funny! (Though I'm sure not for him!)

[Zapbasket]

Well, what's done is done.... Actually I still haven't mailed it. I wish I knew more about break-ups than I do. Hearing of them for so many years, I always thought the whole thing sounded grossly immature. I was not much of a dater in my early 20s and I told myself I was holding out for something more serious. Well, I thought I found it...and now here I am, eating the crow of the universe for ever thinking that a breakup couldn't happen to me.

 

To be honest, I'm becoming aware of how deeply this has affected me. I thought of my partner not only as a boyfriend, but as in part the brother I always wished I could have, and from a little girl part of me I saw him unconsciously, I think, as partly the father I never had (mine died when I was 2). For this reason I thought he could never leave. I thought the bond was as tight on both sides. Now I realize that perhaps he didn't need me to fulfill other roles besides girlfriend (though I did sometimes feel like he saw me as a second Mom, unconsciously). He has a huge loving family he can really count on. I have rather a spotty relationship with my mother and no siblings. I always feel like I have the burden of doing everything myself, hence how tough and independent I always seem to be to others. My partner was the first person to see my vulnerabilities; as he said once, "You're such a strong person, I forget that at the same time you can also be extremely fragile."

 

I guess I still, all these months later, cannot come to terms with being ditched. I simply don't understand how someone can just throw a person away, and moreover, can throw me away. I am in therapy to help me get through this, but as of yet I just don't have the understanding I seem to need to get over this. I fear sending that letter because if someone was that vociferous about not wanting to hear from you, and followed that up with over 6 months of total silence, then isn't that letter an indication of my being totally clueless?

 

I always experienced myself as someone who just "knows" the rules of social relations. I have innate social skills and have never worried about entering new social situations, etc., because I know how to handle myself. The rules surrounding a breakup are just foreign to me. My intuitive sense just can't wrap around it. Also that this person could dump me in the way he did.

 

I feel very lost in my life right now, and I mourn the person I always have been in the past--very independent, always involved in a million activities, etc. I feel like I don't know what to do with myself; I feel an unhappiness lilke I've never felt in the past, and believe me, I've had some tough experiences that should have made me quite unhappy, but I always soldiered through with 100% optimism. I don't know what has happened to me.

 

I have NEVER felt like this before. Can anyone relate? Did/does anyone else ever feel like I felt about breakups? I just always thought that mature, decent people with a brain in their head wouldn't do something so lame, and if they did, it would be done with utmost respect and patience until it was an agreement arrived at mutually. I guess I'm just really idealistic, huh? It just seems so violent and disruptive to chuck a whole person, all that they are, out of your life. I don't get it. :(

[livebuzzwords]

i don't think u have to worry about anything - do u need a hand delivering the letter

hey, what are u doing right now? wanna do something

remmeber that wedding gift i told u about?

are u curoius about any of my manic shopping stories?

how about a tale from u

 

 

 

 

Thanks to everyone who's been following my story and posting advice. It's been an incredible boost.

 

A few weeks ago I started a thread entitled, "The Urge to Contact Him is Killing Me." It's been 8 months since the first "stage" of our breakup, over 7 months since we've seen each other, and over 6 months since his cold, angry e-mail to me, the contents of which I've posted in this and other threads.

 

I have decided to contact him. I saw a yootube video of Laird Hamilton, the extreme surfer, sailing through an enormous tsunami of a wave and when asked why he put himself at such risk he said, "Because I feel the most alive in these conditions. Face it: we used to be at high risk every day, from wild beasts, from everything under the sun. Now we've gone too far in the other extreme--we can go through our whole lives never really taking a risk." It's true. If I don't do this, I'll always wonder "what if." I don't really know whether I'm "prepared" for whatever his response might be; if it's really cold or nasty or otherwise door-slamming or degrading I may well drown in misery and anger. I guess I'll just have to trust that I'll somehow get through it--I'm not going to be slammed into a coral-spiked sea floor if this proves to be the wrong move.

 

 

So I need your help with what to write. I've bought a blank card with a simple non-"girly" design on the front and I'm going to mail it to him with my return address showing that I now live in Manhattan. Inside this is what I'm thinking of saying:

[GreenCove's Loved One],

 

 

How are you doing? This week notwithstanding it's been an unusually beautiful summer in terms of weather and I hope you've been enjoying it. I'

m

living in Manhattan now--it would be really good to see you sometime for a coffee or drink. Hope all is well with you.

 

 

Take care,

 

Green Cove

 

My aim is to sound respectful, dignified, and clear without being over-eager. I'm afraid of sounding desperate, lame, pathetic, or like I've got something big up my sleeve.

 

Some questions: should I include a vague line about what I've been doing to enjoy the summer? Like, "I've gotten to do some good kayaking with promise of more soon, which is great." Should I leave out "coffee or drink"--or just leave out "drink"? Should I directly ASK him if he'll see me? Like, "I'm living in Manhattan now--could we meet up sometime?"

 

Any input welcome. Help! I want to get this in the mail tonight so I can not have to think about it as much as possible the rest of the weekend.

 

Thanks everybody.

[norajane]

The rules surrounding a breakup are just foreign to me. My intuitive sense just can't wrap around it. Also that this person could dump me in the way he did.

 

I feel very lost in my life right now, and I mourn the person I always have been in the past--very independent, always involved in a million activities, etc. I feel like I don't know what to do with myself; I feel an unhappiness lilke I've never felt in the past, and believe me, I've had some tough experiences that should have made me quite unhappy, but I always soldiered through with 100% optimism. I don't know what has happened to me.

 

I have NEVER felt like this before. Can anyone relate? Did/does anyone else ever feel like I felt about breakups? I just always thought that mature, decent people with a brain in their head wouldn't do something so lame, and if they did, it would be done with utmost respect and patience until it was an agreement arrived at mutually. I guess I'm just really idealistic, huh? It just seems so violent and disruptive to chuck a whole person, all that they are, out of your life. I don't get it. :(

I can relate. You've had your illusions ripped away in a painful way. The rug pulled out from under you at the same time. It's your first break-up, first long term relationship. Yes, you're going to stumble around wounded and uncertain and everything you thought you knew seems wrong.

 

But this kind of thing does happen all the time. There are no 'rules' for break-ups, at least not rules that everyone follows!

 

I've preached 'acceptance' to you before. I do that because my experience has taught me that you will never be able to go back to being the person you were when your illusions were intact, so you must take what you have learned about the way the world is, and integrate that into the woman you are now. You'll be a little tougher, and you'll have more compassion for others who have had bad break-ups. You'll be a little wiser and won't expect everything will work out the way you want it to because you think you have complete control over how it works out.

 

You have to accept it - that that's the only way for you to heal and become the independent, whole person you want to be.

 

We are the sum of our experiences. Don't allow this to break you.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks NJ. I don't think this experience will break me. But I just feel so strange right now. I can't complete a single thought because all the assumptions that have structured my thought in the past are scrambled. That's what I feel...scrambled.

 

Here I am, for example, not leaving the apartment yet again. This is so unlike me. I've always had this confidence, maybe even cockiness, because I've always felt a strong sense of direction. That's not to say I haven't struggled with self-esteem; I have. But now, it's just like I don't know what to do with myself.

 

He no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me. He got tired of the arguing and though he knew, I'm sure, he played a role in it, he just felt it would be easier for him to break off with me. This doesn't make him a bad person, or even a weak person. He just reached a point where he wanted to go in a new direction and part of defining that direction was letting me go. It's tough to swallow this. That's why I still hedge about sending that letter, even now that it's written, in an envelope, with a stamp. Is that letter a token of my refusing to accept that his decision was final? Or is it me realizing that yes, he made his choice, but time passes and people reconnect on some level or other, or not, but it requires that someone reach out?

 

I guess I'm just looking for a relationship into which I can pour all my loyalty and devotion and trust that I'm getting the same in return. It makes me wonder about my friendships, even the one I have that's almost 20 years long. If push came to shove, would any of these people stick it out with me? The "past me," as I must call her, I guess always entered into relationships assuming that the other person was as into me as I was into them. And truth be told, I've not really met anyone yet who has blown me away. I've always felt like I'm the stronger one on my relationships, and it's felt like a burden much of the time. Because I'm always having to curb myself. I've wished I could find someone who wanted from me as much as I wanted from them. I feel always unequally yoked because I have no family and I'm looking for one. But my friends all have family.

 

I'm just rambling. I should probably write this in my journal but I want to reach out; I'm tired of feeling alone always. It hurts so much to imagine the decision process going on in my partner's mind that led him to break up with me. My mother doesn't think it was very well thought out; that he freaked out and didn't know how to handle things and so just bailed. I believe that somewhat. But to get to the point where he could really imagine something in which I was not at all in the picture had to involve some degree of clarity for him. I can't help but wonder what I lacked, even though my friends all think it was a lack in HIM--that he felt he couldn't handle me. Maybe they're just being nice, I don't know.

 

I can't help wondering how he'll feel when he receives my letter. Oh no, she still won't go away? Or will his eyes well up with tears? Or will he think, "Oh how pathetic, she won't get the point. So clingy...." I don't know myself whether this is an act of desperation and confusion or an act of simply reaching out to someone I care about, taking a risk because you have to be willing to take risks in life.

 

I've always been a risk-taker and for that reason I guess I've always unconsciously had a belief that the standard rules don't apply to me. I've always found a way around them, and this is the source both of my confidence and my self-esteem issues. Sometimes I wish I could be more of a "rule-follower." But then, in my gut I don't really believe in those rules. This feisty part of me feels I'm writing to him and why? Because regardless of what he feels, I care for him. I don't know that it's possible for us to enter into a relationship again, but I do know that I care for him a lot, and miss him. Is that strength, or weakness? Clarity, or confusion?

 

I know I don't feel clear about much of anything these days. I feel so very lost and alone, and deeply vulnerable. Thanks NJ because it's good to hear from people who have gone through things like this and still can stay connected to how hard it was while having moved to a clearer, stronger place.

[Zapbasket]

I'm really faltering in my confidence that sending this letter is remotely wise. I know it's just an "action" like Underpants said, and not a "gross error," but if it leads to further rejection and therefore further confusion for me it certainly will feel like a gross error. I've never waffled so much about something in my whole life; I've always had a "sh*t or get off the pot" mentality and I'm so constipated with indecision on this matter that a violent enema probably couldn't shake a decision out of me.

 

More than anything I'm afraid of further silence from him. If he doesn't respond then it will leave me feeling yet more impotent, and yet more confused about the meaning of these past 5 years. And I'll feel rage for a while, that he could have thrown me aside so vehemently and taking no blame for the relationship's failure, and then not take up the opportunity extended to him to leave things more civilly.

 

If I put this letter out there, I can't take it back. Sometimes I feel the only "power," such as it is, is my silence. But a wiser part of me--or what I thought, in my "clearer" days, was a wiser part--says that stubborn silence is weak. I want to believe his silence is stubborn--an augmentation of his tendency to stonewall and avoid, but...what if his silence is indifference?

 

I just don't think I could take any additional rejection. I know it won't kill me, but it will curdle my soul to pure acid temporarily. I wish I could just squeeze my eyes shut and forget about him entirely, and open my eyes only when I find myself in a new life, in a new city (since I"m only here because of him), surrounded by friends new and old. Then, and only then, could I reach out, because his response or lack thereof won't matter to me as much, I'll have so much scaffolding underneath me.

 

It just kills me to think of all the hopes--hopes I can't help myself from having at this time--riding inside that simple, breezy note to him. It also kills me to think of how much of my mind is eaten away with the indecision these days.

 

I'm sure you're all tired of reading about my indecision and want me to just 'get off the pot' already, lol.

 

One cop-out option is to take my friend up on her offer to contact him. She was friends with him before I met him, and she's refraining from getting in touch with him out of respect for me (they weren't that good friends). But she's offered to chat him up and see what information he reveals without too much prompting from her. I thought that was nice of her, but if I were him I'd suspect such a motive immediately and would be mum as a corpse. So, I told her "no thanks" out of respect for him. I don't want my friends to do dirty work I'm afraid to do. But I just don't know if I can handle the outcome of sending this letter, unless it's positive, which will bring up a whole new category of problems.

 

I hate this.

[norajane]

Send the letter. If he doesn't reply, it will put the period on the run-on sentence this has become. You'll get your closure - you'll know for sure he doesn't want to talk to you and it'll be done.

 

If he does reply, well, you're opening Pandora's box. He could say anything.

[underpants]

I do NOT like the idea of contact being made by your friend.

 

I would be suspect. It would seem a little cowardly to me and probably won't get any or much of any results.

 

Send the note. Go ahead. Do I need to drive up there and put it in the mailbox for you??? Go on, it will be okay.

 

You have found this place. Whatever happens or does not happen as a result of an action that you have more then well thought out...well, we will be here.

 

Go on, go downstairs walk to the corner and drop this weight off your shoulders, and into the mailbox.

[tinke]

greencove, i'm excited for you that you FINALLY made the decision to write him a letter...now mail it!! i believe you made the right decision to give you some guidance for what's next.

 

don't consume yourself with what HE will feel/do...remember, this letter sending is for YOU.

keep us posted.

take care