I think I am going crazy.

[Jennifer26]

I feel so confused and lost right now.

 

I've discussed many of my marital problems on LS, and a quick search through my posts could probably provide more insight if you've got some time on your hands.

 

But I will summarize the best that I can. My H and I have been married almost six years, together for about nine years. We have two boys, five years old and four months old.

 

For years now there have been issues in our marriage. Most of them seem to stem from his porn addiction. And yes, he does have an addiction, although I didn't always realize it, nor did he. But no matter how many times he's promised to stop looking, or cut back on how much he looks - he can't stop himself.

 

He did begin some IC about a month ago. I'm not sure if he is disclosing any of this to his counselor but I am happy he is going. He also admitted to me about a month ago that he does have a problem (he'd never done this in the past) and shared some very personal information with me about his past and as to why he might have this addiction.

 

So. . . as hurt as I am and as much as I want to divorce him sometimes, I decided he has made steps and that is good enough for now.

 

Part of my problem is I obsess about this. I can no longer function because I so wrapped up in feeling hurt, and mad all of the time. I decided I need to stop focusing on him so much, even if what he is doing is not good because it is making me crazy. So I told my H to change his computer password so I would no longer be able to access it. I did a lot of reading and discovered I am codependent and have been trying for years to "fix" him, and control him. I've decided I no longer want to fill this roll. I told him about all of this. I also told him I was so glad he was going to counseling and opening up to me. I felt really hopeful that things might change.

 

So, last Thursday I try initiating sex with him. Our four month old sleeps in bed with us in a co-sleeper. I realize having kids in your bed is no good, but our baby has colic and we both decided we'd rather have him in our bed for a little while and be able to actually sleep. My H says we can't have sex because of the baby.. well obviously we'd have to do it somewhere else like we have been lately. I suggested we went downstairs, but he said no. He doesn't like having sex downstairs.. OK.. fine.

 

Friday night we take the kids to a mall. I split up from them for a while and find myself in Victoria's Secret buying some lingerie. My H notices the bag when we meet up later on. We also bought some wine for later that night (anyone noticing a theme here?) . . we get home and I ask him to hold off on having any wine until both kids are in bed. I go and take a bath, I get our baby to sleep (in his crib, which was a challenge!) I go into our bedroom and put on some lingerie and I wait for my H (he knows the kids are both asleep and that the baby is in his crib)... he doesn't come.

 

Okay, he's not getting my cues. Fine. I go downstairs where he is glued to the television with a drink in his hand. I sit across from him on the loveseat but he does not even look up. I've just fixed my hair, makeup, put on perfume and I am wearing a pretty robe with lingerie underneath. He doesn't even notice me there. After about 30 minutes I gave up and went to sit out on our patio and drink a glass of wine myself. He comes out and asks me why I am mad. . I say nothing. He asks if it is because we're not having sex.. I answer yes.

 

He says "I just didn't think it was going to happen tonight because of the kids" -- my reply it has been about 45 minutes since I told him both children were asleep and the baby in his own room. That I had tried to initiate sex with him the night before, that I had bought lingerie and was all done up and feeling like a fool at that moment. He just said again "Well, I'm sorry, I just didn't think it would happen"

 

You might be wondering why we don't just go have sex at this point. Because when he drinks, he cannot have sex. And he was well into his 3rd glass of wine.

 

Needless to say I was feeling really frustrated and a bit rejected.

 

We didn't speak to each other for most of the night. Eventually I came to him and tried talking. He got mad and stormed off, and then sat in his car in the driveway until 4am. I tried talking to him out there, he refused to say even one word to me.

 

I went in the house and cracked into his computer. I said I would not do this anymore, yet I felt so angry and with the couple glasses of wine I'd had - I didn't care what I had said. I figured out his new password and sure enough he is looking at porn (no surprise) everyday (no surprise) and he is now even saving it in special folders to categorize it. He must have been so happy that I asked him to change his password. To him it meant he could go on a porn extravaganza!

 

I go back out to the driveway and tell him I know he doesn't want to sleep with me because of the porn. He gets out, goes in the house and goes to sleep still refusing to talk to me.

 

The next morning it is the same. Eventually I break down crying and tell him I can't stand this anymore. I can't stand coming second to porn and feeling rejected. He starts talking to me then, but only to tell me that he won't discuss porn with me and that he is tired of fighting.

 

I tell him I am tired of fighting too, but that I cannot live like this. I tell him I am willing to again try to stop snooping, but that doesn't mean this problem is going to go away. I can't fix him.. but I can't stay married to him if he doesn't want to fix himself. I tell him that I am not trying to control him, and that I want to work with him. If he slips up, I am not going to berate him. But I need to know he still wants to change. I need to know that he isn't just ignoring me here. I tell him maybe he could join a group, or take further steps. That very few people can break an addiction alone.

 

He tells me I am still trying to control him. Honestly, I feel like he is taking my admittance of being codependent and using it to manipulate me.

 

He again refuses to discuss this with me, we haven't talked about it since.

 

We're hardly on speaking terms again. And I slipped up and looked again last night at his computer and he is still looking daily, and saving it.

 

Can I help him? I don't know when I am being controlling anymore and when I am being helpful. I felt before like I knew what I was doing, now I don't know what I am doing. I don't know when my behavior is okay, and when it is not. I feel crazier than ever now.

 

[Rorocher]

ooh, that's a doozy. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

How often do you have sex? do you do most of the initiating? If you rarely have sex, what excuses does he give for turning you down? is there a standard excuse or do they vary?

[Jennifer26]

ooh, that's a doozy. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

How often do you have sex? do you do most of the initiating? If you rarely have sex, what excuses does he give for turning you down? is there a standard excuse or do they vary?

 

We do have sex about 1-2x a week. But I feel like that is only because I have made such a huge ordeal when we've gone longer.

 

Years back, I stopped initiating, stopped saying anything, stopped monitoring his porn use. We were having sex 1-2 a month.

 

The things is I LOVE sex. If we could, I would want it everyday! But I'll settle for every other day.

 

Now, if my husband had a medical condition or something that made him unable to have sex this often, I think I would be understanding. But he masturbates daily. He gives all of his sexual energy to porn so that none is left for me.

 

When we do have sex, often he is unable to maintain an erection. That too is because he masturbates so often.

[Rorocher]

Now, if my husband had a medical condition or something that made him unable to have sex this often, I think I would be understanding. But he masturbates daily. He gives all of his sexual energy to porn so that none is left for me.

 

When we do have sex, often he is unable to maintain an erection. That too is because he masturbates so often.

 

That's awful and you are right, I don't think a lot of men realize that constant masturbation kills their libido. My SO has the same exact problem, many times he wouldn't be able to get an erection even after we've been making out and there are times we would be in the heat of things and poofs, it goes soft, boy is that frustrating.

 

He completely stopped masturbating for a whole month and in that month, he's only had the erection problem once. Now I'm just hoping he can keep it up and stay off masturbation at least until his penis gets retrained.

 

I assume you have talked with your SO about this issue. I'm curious as to what his reply to you was.

[brothermartin]

What kind of porn is he watching, exactly? Have you suggested watching it with him? If so, what was his reply?

[Jennifer26]

 

I assume you have talked with your SO about this issue. I'm curious as to what his reply to you was.

I've brought it up a couple of times, but he will deny it has anything to do with the porn. He said not wanting to sleep with me Thursday and Friday also had nothing to do with the porn.

 

He will defend the porn to no end. I suppose because he does not want to give it up.

 

When he loses his erection he'll often say he has to go to the bathroom and get up and leave. I often have suspected he goes into the bathroom to get himself hard again. Or he'll say it is too hot, or he is too tired, or something else.

 

I can tell he gets very embarrassed by it though. So it is an uncomfortable issue.

[Jennifer26]

What kind of porn is he watching, exactly? Have you suggested watching it with him? If so, what was his reply?

Oh, it varies. Some of it is hardcore stuff.

 

A couple years back I was letting him watch it in our bedroom while we were having sex. I suppose just so he'd want to sleep with me. I hated it being there and I hated him looking at someone else while sleeping with me. It made me feel like ****.

 

He got bored of it though. He likes masturbation to be private, and a shameful event.

[whichwayisup]

Ok, the porn isn't about you at all, it's about him. I know this is easier said than done, but please try not to take it personally.. He is addicted to porn and the excitement it brings. I bet he does want to stop but can't. He's scared to and as you said, he explained afew things to you about his past, so that definately has something to do with this porn addiction. I hope he continues to do counselling.

 

Why not just for 2 weeks try this. Let it go. Try your best not to worry about his porn and focus on other things. When was the last time you two went out alone without the kids, saw a movie or played some pool? Something different? Make it a fun night, laugh and be silly.

[Jennifer26]

Ok, the porn isn't about you at all, it's about him. I know this is easier said than done, but please try not to take it personally.. He is addicted to porn and the excitement it brings. I bet he does want to stop but can't. He's scared to and as you said, he explained afew things to you about his past, so that definately has something to do with this porn addiction. I hope he continues to do counselling.

 

Why not just for 2 weeks try this. Let it go. Try your best not to worry about his porn and focus on other things. When was the last time you two went out alone without the kids, saw a movie or played some pool? Something different? Make it a fun night, laugh and be silly.

I actually did do this. Prior to this past weekend I had not checked up on him for a couple of weeks.

 

In the past few weeks we've had two dates without the kids. One included dinner and a movie, the other included dinner and seeing a live comedy show.

 

I do need to not focus so much on the porn, because it is killing me inside. But I don't know how.

[whichwayisup]

Some counselling could help you as well, just to help you cope with this better so this doesn't ruin who you are.

 

You're a beautiful woman, and I would HATE to hear that what your H does ruins the good inside you. Always remember his porn habit is not about you. He does love you, he just has an awful habit that needs to be under control.

 

Sorry you're hurting.

[brothermartin]

Was he sexually or physically abused? What type of counselor is he seeing? Have you gone with him lately, or is that not something he wants?

[Rorocher]

Ok, the porn isn't about you at all, it's about him. I know this is easier said than done, but please try not to take it personally.. He is addicted to porn and the excitement it brings. I bet he does want to stop but can't. He's scared to and as you said, he explained afew things to you about his past, so that definately has something to do with this porn addiction. I hope he continues to do counselling.

 

Why not just for 2 weeks try this. Let it go. Try your best not to worry about his porn and focus on other things. When was the last time you two went out alone without the kids, saw a movie or played some pool? Something different? Make it a fun night, laugh and be silly.

 

I agree, it is about him, not you. Assume he's always going to look at it and stop checking up on him, afterall, he has always looked at it. You know what they call the definitition of insanity? doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. When you go check up on him, what goes through your mind? do you think his computer history will come up empty? No, you already know what you are going to find so why bother to keep checking?. Stop damaging your self esteem with this and stop giving him/porn that much power and control over your happiness.

 

If you've already tried to talk to him about this, perhaps, it's time to back off. Stop catching him with porn and going to yell at him about it. Same ol' ****, different day, stop having the same fights, because you will keep having the same outcome.

 

I think it's time to back and take care of you and your children. Start focusing your hapinness elsewhere, find your joy in little things. Take care of your health, loose that baby weight(if you still have any) and if you don't, start getting in better shape just because. Find a hobby, develop a new interest. Take your kids out for evening walks, pick up an interesting book to read while they play.

 

Do something...anything, to redirect your focus, to distract you. Find something else to catch your eye for a while. Get untangled from this whole porn mess and find something that will bring back your glow. I guarantee you, if you do this, something will eventually give.

[whichwayisup]

One more thing - People don't change unless they absolutely have to. Sometimes they need to hit rock bottom and suffer some type of consquence to wake them up enough to actually put in the effort continually and get help.

 

I'm not telling you to separate from your husband, but right now he has no desire to change his behaviour, stop his porn habit because HE hasn't hit rock bottom and suffered to the point of realizing his life WILL get worse if he doesn't get help.

[Jennifer26]

Was he sexually or physically abused? What type of counselor is he seeing? Have you gone with him lately, or is that not something he wants?

Brought up with a cold mother, who hides behind her religion.

 

There are many stories he has shared, but I'll just shared one with you guys for now.

 

When he was a teenager she found a nude magazine in his room. Keep in mind his mother feels this is a sin, and that sexual sin is almost as bad a murder (from her own words to me). She waited until a family event to confront him, in front of all of his relatives. She totally shamed him.

 

He also told me he was raped by another male at age 13. Not a relative, or an older man. A friend of his. I believe they we're messing around, experimenting if you will and my H didn't want to go as far as the other boy did. He said the other boy was much larger than him.

 

I think his shame in masturbating has more to do with her than the other event.

 

Once I suggested he play with himself in the bedroom, he flat out refused. He would never masturbate in front of me. He also has an issue if I masturbate and using toys on me is a no-no as well.

 

He keeps masturbation as this shameful, private thing. I've tried to tell him it isn't and that most people do it. But it doesn't get through to him, no matter what I say.

[Jennifer26]

Rorocher -

 

I have been trying to do these things. I'll admit I've not been too successful though.

 

I started a female book club, we had our first meeting last week and will be meeting monthly. I have a 1000 page book to read before we meet again, and that has been keeping me semi-busy.

 

I've been working out and eating well to try to lose all of the weight I gained with the pregnancy. I've been doing pretty well with that too.

 

But even at the book club meeting, or when I'm at work, no matter where I am or what I am doing my mind shifts to this issue. I think about it all of the time, I even dream about it. I cry, I feel terribly, I even want to kill myself some days. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I held a gun to my head for about five minutes just imagining pulling that trigger and escaping all of this.

 

I am so afraid of being alone. I am so weak. Yet, I hate my life.

 

It seems as much as I try to not focus on this, and to do other things I still can't escape my thoughts.

 

I have an appointment to see a counselor this Friday, for my depression.

[brothermartin]

It sounds like it may be a combination of BOTH things. Being molested by the same sex can cause the same amount of damage as being raised by a bad parent. Trust me.

He needs to see a specialist, not a counselor. I suggest a psychotherapist that specializes in childhood trauma like this. What he is dealing with is NOT a bad habit, it's a residual effect. Much like PTSD. Post-traumatic stress disorder.

I hope you and your husband can work through this and come out better for it.

[Desperado620]

Well Jennifer, it's very good that he's at least going to IC. The first step is admitting you have a problem, and it sounds like he's done that. That is a big step, and a good one for him to take. Perhaps the next step would be MC, or IC for you also. If he's not talking to his therapist about his porn addiction he needs to be, and joint counciling will allow you address the issue together. Maybe hearing you explain the situation to a relative stranger will give him enough of a shock to really want to change his ways. Maybe you need to ask him, flat out, if he really wants to be rid of this addiction. He's got to want it, no matter how badly you want it for him it won't happen unless he wants it to. From this POV I'm not convinced he really wants to quit.

 

It sounds like your H and I share a bad habit: not speaking during a fight. My poor H has put up with this from me for a long time, and it's a very hard habit to break. For quite some time whenever I'd get angry with my H I'd bottle it up, and I just wouldn't say anything. He'd ask me what was wrong, tell me he knew I was mad, but I just wouldn't say a word, and refuse to speak to him. That's a major no-no. Locking up like that will make certain you never get anything resolved: you can't fix a problem if you refuse to say a word about it! Not wanting to fight about it/talk about it anymore isn't a reason to use this tactic either. We don't always get what we want, and if you have a partner who feels a need to discuss something, you should listen and participate in the discussion. Remind him of the Golden Rule!

 

I can sympathize with your constant worry. I suffer from anxiety disorder, and part of that is constantly fretting about things you can't change. Fear of things you can't control. "What if.." is one of my worst enemies. I've got a few tried and true ways to get your mind off of things. Try meditation. Send your mind to a nice place that's far, far away. Practice controlling your breathing. For example, count to five as you inhale, hold the breath for a count of five, and then exhale for a count of five. Keeps your mind occupied but is simple. Exercise and physical activity are also great for the mind. I take long nature walks or hikes, and try to just enjoy the scenery around me. You've also got kids (lucky you, my H keeps getting me cats.) and those are exceptional for entertaining your brain. Since your H seems to be distant, give him some space and focus on your kids instead. Maybe try a special arts and crafts project with them?

 

Hope all this helps. Good luck!

[Rorocher]

Rorocher -

 

I have been trying to do these things. I'll admit I've not been too successful though.

 

I started a female book club, we had our first meeting last week and will be meeting monthly. I have a 1000 page book to read before we meet again, and that has been keeping me semi-busy.

 

I've been working out and eating well to try to lose all of the weight I gained with the pregnancy. I've been doing pretty well with that too.

 

But even at the book club meeting, or when I'm at work, no matter where I am or what I am doing my mind shifts to this issue. I think about it all of the time, I even dream about it. I cry, I feel terribly, I even want to kill myself some days. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I held a gun to my head for about five minutes just imagining pulling that trigger and escaping all of this.

 

I am so afraid of being alone. I am so weak. Yet, I hate my life.

 

It seems as much as I try to not focus on this, and to do other things I still can't escape my thoughts.

 

I have an appointment to see a counselor this Friday, for my depression.

 

Oh you poor thing, you shouldn't hate your life. I know how depression can trap one in an endless state of victimhood, I've been there and my situation wasn't even as bad as yours.

 

Seeing a counselor will hopefully help and it's good you're taking that step because with the depression, all the new hobbies and interests in the world is not going to make any difference, I know that.

 

This is not about you. You're not the one with the problem, your self esteem shouldn't suffer for it but I know that certain clarity is hard to gain as a depressed brain/mind can never grasp that concept.

 

I hope the couselor helps you to at least manage the depression first, after that, if you keep up with taking care of yourself, your situation will definitely improve.

 

Death is easy to think about but also remember that death is final, there is undoing it.

[Jennifer26]

My appointment with my counselor did not make me feel any better, in fact I left feeling worse.

 

I've really come to terms that I cannot control my Husband. I can't fix him, save him, change him and so forth. He can only do these things for himself. I've read and heard this before, but I don't think I ever truly comprehended it. I still in the back of my mind thought if I just was more attractive, if my boobs were larger, if I did anything for him in the bedroom, if I could just make him see how much it hurts me, if I could just do something then he might stop.

 

But I know better now. In some ways I wish I didn't. See, if the problem was about me it would be easy. I could always work harder at my appearance, I could pay out several thousand for breast enlargement. But I feel so helpless now. I understand nothing I do is going to make this better and it has been hard to accept.

 

I feel like I am in a terminally ill relationship. For years I've been administering quick fix medications to ease symptoms and give me hope.. but in the end it is dying and there is nothing I can do to save it.

 

In many ways I feel as though I am grieving death, and it hurts more than I could ever describe in words. I am losing my best friend, someone I've been with nearly a decade, someone I build a home and life with, had so many hopes and dreams with, created two beautiful children with. All of this feels like it is crumbling down around me now. I don't really know how to cope with it.

 

I wish I could just be ignorant. I wish I could find a way to live with it and not be so miserable. I don't want this but I don't know how to stop it and my heart feels like it is breaking.

[Ruby Slippers]

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through so much heartache. It is pretty obvious that your husband has some serious issues that HE has to solve. The sad part is he might not ever solve them. It won't be easy, and he'll have to be very motivated to do it.

 

I am sure it must be heartwrenching to see your marriage in such distress. But I have noticed from what you've posted here that you're a smart girl who can take care of herself. No matter what happens, I think you'll be OK. Think of all the worry and energy you're putting into what feels like a black hole right now. Wouldn't it feel great to have all that energy back, to put toward things that reward you?

 

I was going to suggest a counselor for you. I started seeing one for my relationship troubles recently, and it is really helping. The first visit did unearth a lot of stuff, but it was very helpful. Things are improving in my relationship, and I am standing up for myself. I know that whether I decide to stay or go, I am making smarter decisions now for my long-term happiness.

 

You deserve to be happy!

[soserious1]

You aren't going to want to hear this but I'll say it anyway. Your marriage is over and has been for some time. All you're doing now is treading water,marking time till your kids get older. If it's this bad now,what do you think it's going to be like once you hit menopause?

[Jennifer26]

My marriage was technically over before it ever began - because he has had this issue long before he met me.

 

I haven't given up all hope though. But I have come to accept he might never get the help he needs.

 

Right now, I'm not ready to make any life altering decisions. I've contacted COSA and they are seeking a sponsor for me. I'm continuing to do things to take care of myself. Eating well, exercising, meditating, writing in my journal, keeping in touch with friends, reading, planning for more book club meetings and so forth. Tomorrow I am going to be at a spa for seven hours, and normally I would feel far too guilty about spending that much time and money on myself - but no more. I am going to take care of me first and foremost.

 

Once I can get myself in a place where I feel peaceful and happy, I will decide what to do with my marriage. If it comes to me needing to leave him, then so be it.

 

I know that I cannot tolerate a lifetime of dealing with his addiction. I know I need to get myself in a place where I feel strong so that I can make these tough decisions.

 

I sent him an email yesterday from work, telling him I do love him but that I feel we're falling apart. I told him that I am not going to try and "fix" him anymore and that I am only going to focus on myself from now on. I explained some of the things I've discovered about my behaviors - I apologized for things I had done to him (spying, trying to make him feel bad when I did and so forth).

 

His reaction wasn't what I expected. He became angry and would not speak to me. I didn't understand why - nothing in my email said I was going to divorce him, or that I didn't love him, or that I blame him or anything of the sort. I repeated over and over that I do love him, do want to get to a point where things can work, and am focusing on me.

 

My therapist warned me he might not like it if I stop becoming codependent. Even though he tells me to stay out of his business, part of him likes that I am so involved. I wonder if this is what is happening now?

[Rorocher]

I think your approach to it is brilliant. It's not easy to just up and leave like that, you do have to be strong enough and it does sound like you are starting to develop that strength, please keep it up. It won't happen overnight but with consistency, when the time comes to make the tough decisions you need to make, you'll have what you need. Don't forget to put some money away too, if it does get to the point that leaving becomes your only option.

 

Your husband sounds like the kind of man who give others a bad name with this whole porn issue. They have to take it to the extreme and ruin the fun for others.

 

You extended an olive branch and his reaction to it was anger. He has a problem alright. I think it's a control thing, and your therapist does have a point, he doesn't want you out of his business because that would make you see him for who he truly is, that will make you see that you are not the one with the problem, it's him. He needs you to keep playing that victim role so he can use it to fuel his insecure ego. What do they say, misery loves company. There are people who need you to be unhappy to make themselves happy. It's sad really.

 

Don't let the anger get to you, it's not like you haven't tried, you have tried and now that you are sick of it and withdrawing, no one can blame you. Take care of you, please.

[2sunny]

his reaction is based on the fact that you have now made him "uncomfortable" - which is good because it MAY force him to take a different action or approach.

 

your approach seemed reasonable and appropriate from what i can see.

 

his discomfort and the reaction (anger - it looks like) will be hard for you to bear; but it will force him to make some changes... and that alone is a good start.

 

to keep him in his comfort zone is not going to be helpful to your sanity - which is vital. good luck.