My Husband seems so unhappy and I am at a loss

[Jennifer26]

Last night he came home from class, and would not talk to me. I asked him several times if he was upset, and he denied that he was. Eventually he said he's just "bored" and continued to ignore me as I tried to engage in conversation with him.

 

Lately he's been incredibly moody. He's said several times now how he's bored most of the time. When I ask him what he'd rather be doing, he doesn't give me any help and just says he doesn't know.

 

He is a college student, and I work full time. He has the kids during the day while I'm at work, and I have them in the evenings while he's in class. There aren't many opportunities for us to go out and do things because of this schedule. Although, I have suggested alternatives and he snaps and says this is the only arrangement that will work.

 

He acts as though he is the only one who takes care of the children, and forgets that I have them every evening on my own, and I take care of them mostly by myself on weekends. He's becoming increasingly irritable towards the children as well.

 

I feel like he resents us, and blames us for his unhappiness. The truth is HE wanted to go to school. I've supported his decision, but I never pushed for it. I was perfectly happy when he was working and we had more time together. Infact, I didn't want him to go to school, but I knew he'd never be happy working the job he was for the rest of his life.

 

I feel like we have sacrificed a lot for his education, financially, emotionally.. and he doesn't even notice. He blames us for his unhappiness.

[Geishawhelk]

How much longer does he have to go, study-wise?

What's he studying for?

 

How long has he been like this?

 

How old are the children?

 

How old are both of you?

[Jennifer26]

How much longer does he have to go, study-wise?

What's he studying for?

 

How long has he been like this?

 

How old are the children?

 

How old are both of you?

He wants to atleast obtain a Masters, preferably a PhD. He has about 2.5 years left until the former will be complete.

 

He's studying English, he'd ultimately like to be a professor, and an author.

 

He's been really moody about the last month. His classes just started back up for this semester in January.

 

The children are age 6, and 11 months.

 

I am 28, and he is 33.

[carhill]

Ruh-roh ......

 

Geisha, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

 

 

Oh, yeah....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t160523/

[Geishawhelk]

Yup Carhill, I do believe you and I at least, are on the same page.,.....

[Jennifer26]

Ruh-roh ......

 

Geisha, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

 

 

Oh, yeah....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t160523/

What is it you're thinking?

[whichwayisup]

Get a sitter or drop the kids off for an overnight at the grandparents house. You two need to be alone, go out for dinner, see a movie - Anything to just bond and spend time together as a couple.

[Jennifer26]

Get a sitter or drop the kids off for an overnight at the grandparents house. You two need to be alone, go out for dinner, see a movie - Anything to just bond and spend time together as a couple.

We do try to do this, but unfortunately the only person we have to babysit our children is my mother and she only does it once or twice a month.

 

On weekends, we do tend to watch a movie and have a couple glasses of wine once the kids are in bed.

 

I'm trying to arrange for my mother to take the kids for a weekend so that we can take a mini-trip alone. I'm not sure how it will pan out though.

[whichwayisup]

I read your other thread..Is he still into the porn thing?

 

He sounds depressed and unhappy within himself, which of course affects you and your relationship with him. Is he still doing counselling?

 

I say, just be completely honest - Tell him you love him but things HAVE to change for the better otherwise you two WILL end up having more problems that will lead to ending the marriage.

[Lizzie60]

my thoughts..

 

I think you two need to 're-connect' somehow.. it could be very depressing for him if his life consist of kids during the day (especially if he's not the 'motherly' type) and studies in the evening.. then dodo.. very boring life.. that could lead him to be depressed..

 

My daughter is presently taking time off without pay (5 years) to raise their kids.. (expecting for next summer).. although she adores her daughter.. she finds it sometime boring at home all day..

 

but .. they are now going for a couple of days to a nice cottage.. they're bringing the baby.. but still.. it's a change...

 

Then I go babysit once in a while so they can go on a date.. (it's my treat)...

 

You absolutely need to be together .. alone.. once in a while.. for the sake of your 'love life'...

[Jennifer26]

I read your other thread..Is he still into the porn thing?

 

He sounds depressed and unhappy within himself, which of course affects you and your relationship with him. Is he still doing counselling?

 

I say, just be completely honest - Tell him you love him but things HAVE to change for the better otherwise you two WILL end up having more problems that will lead to ending the marriage.

With the porn thing, I haven't checked up on him since last August. I assume he still looks at it, how frequently I do not know.

 

He stopped going to counseling after only a couple sessions, and deemed it useless.

 

I don't like to discuss ending the marriage, even though I think about it, because at one point I used to threaten divorce to try to shock him into changing. I am like the little boy who cried wolf now.

[Geishawhelk]

What is it you're thinking?

 

I'm thinking that it's not looking good.

 

I really don't know, personally, why you are still with this guy.

 

talk about bending so far backwards that your head disappears up..... well, you know.

[whichwayisup]

He stopped going to counseling after only a couple sessions, and deemed it useless.

 

Probably because he realized therapy is HARD WORK! I'm a strong believer of what you put into therapy is what you get out of it. People that want to do changes for the better do so, and it sounds like he's not really ready yet to make any effort and change unless he's hit his rock bottom. Most don't change until they really suffer some sort of consquence, enough that one has no choice but to change.

 

Maybe if you told him how unhappy you are feeling, how frustrating it is that you want to put in alot of effort to keep the lines of communication open with him and he isn't doing much to give back and make things better.

[Jennifer26]

my thoughts..

 

I think you two need to 're-connect' somehow.. it could be very depressing for him if his life consist of kids during the day (especially if he's not the 'motherly' type) and studies in the evening.. then dodo.. very boring life.. that could lead him to be depressed..

I do agree that this is the primary cause of his current unhappiness. Our oldest son is diagnosed PDD-NOS and is very difficult to say the least. Our youngest is quite demanding as well. He's not content usually unless he's being held or played with and is in the phase where he's beginning to get into everything.

 

I have an incredibly high patience level, and even I find myself wanting to rip my hair out at times.

 

The fact we typically have them both on our own makes life tough for the both of us. My husband is usually trying to study while he has them, and it's really tough I can imagine.

 

I've suggested maybe he go and get a job where he is able to do his homework at work, like a security job. He did this in the past and it worked out well. But he won't hear it. I think he's been out of work for so long now that it's intimidating to think of going back. He's grown comfortable being at home, even though he dislikes it.

 

I do agree we need more alone time, but getting it is another issue.

[Jennifer26]

I'm thinking that it's not looking good.

 

I really don't know, personally, why you are still with this guy.

 

talk about bending so far backwards that your head disappears up..... well, you know.

Fear of being alone, fear of being a single parent.. I do love him and sometimes enjoy his company. The thought of him being with someone else if we divorced is too much to think about. I know I would miss him terribly.

 

If I didn't love him, I think the choice would be so much easier. I wish sometimes that he'll stop being nice altogether and just be a jerk all of the time so that I will fall out of love with him.

[carhill]

This may sound completely off, given the information and images provided, but I'm wondering if there's more going on at school than meets the eye ....hmmm..

[Jennifer26]

This may sound completely off, given the information and images provided, but I'm wondering if there's more going on at school than meets the eye ....hmmm..

Perhaps, but if anything I think it's seeing all of the young, mostly single people all around him. The beautiful women everywhere. I think he's comparing his life to their life and seeing what else is out there.

 

I doubt he's having an affair. Not because I don't think he's capable, but because there have been no clues to signal he is. He comes home on time after every class. A class was canceled one night, and he came home early. He could have stayed on campus and I would have never known.

 

There has been no money spent, no emails, phonecalls or texts.. nothing to indicate he's spending time or communicating with anyone.

 

Believe me, I've thought this may be what was causing his moodiness and done a little checking into it.

[Chat]

Perhaps its depression? How is his health? Un-diagnoised things like diabetes can cause a person to have moodswings or an underactive thyroid.

 

Honey if he spent less time b*tching to you about how horrible your life together is and put more effort into changing it then he wouldnt be in this position - you BOTH have to decide whats really important, and you need to say to him that things will end up in divorce if things dont change!

 

Be proactive and supportive with eachother - and if he doesnt come to the party - then your marraige is finished - even if neither or you have said so yet.

[Jennifer26]

It could be depression, although I have my doubts. His energy levels seem normal. He hasn't spent more time than usual sleeping.

 

I truly think it is being in college, being around all of these young people (he's 33 and most of the people in his classes are in their early 20's) have freedom, go out to parties, socialize, etc.

 

He comes home to two children, his wife, and not much of a social life.

 

I doubt our marriage will survive years more of this.

[Lizzie60]

It could be depression, although I have my doubts. His energy levels seem normal. He hasn't spent more time than usual sleeping.

 

I truly think it is being in college, being around all of these young people (he's 33 and most of the people in his classes are in their early 20's) have freedom, go out to parties, socialize, etc.

 

He comes home to two children, his wife, and not much of a social life.

 

I doubt our marriage will survive years more of this.

 

That could easily be the reason of his mood swings..

[giotto]

yes, he is just bored and hates his life at the moment... I think he could be depressed... you really need to sit down and talk to him.

[Jennifer26]

I sat down and talked with him last night. I told him I felt hurt that he has been so distant, and that he seems so unhappy with the life we have.

 

He said the way he's felt has nothing to do with me, or even that he wants more. He said he could go out to a gun range and go shooting with a friend, or go have a couple beers or see a movie - but that isn't what he wants. He said he feels mentally exhausted most of the time because of the children. He asked me to imagine doing my work from home, with two children to take care of that are both quite demanding and a tight schedule. Often he has 50-100 pages to read and reports to write and he's frustrated because he can't find time to concentrate.

 

I tried again discussing ways we can change this, so he has more time to study on his own - but he doesn't think any other arrangement is going to work. He said for the time being this is just how things are, but he knows they'll eventually get better once the weather is warmer and our oldest can go outside to play and our youngest will start to become more interested in play as well and not wanting to be held constantly.

 

He also said he feels like people blow him off, he's tried calling a couple of friends recently and they seemed uninterested in talking to him. That made him feel bad and he said he wonders what is it about him that makes him so uninteresting to others.

 

I am thinking he is mildly depressed from the way he was talking last night. He doesn't feel interesting, or that anyone really cares about him, and is struggling to find a balance between school and home.

 

I spoke with my mother this morning, and explained what is going on and asked if she could please take the children this weekend so we could go out together alone. She agreed, so I'm trying to think of something fun for us to do other than the same old movie and dinner.

 

Hopefully I can get her to agree more often, or find someone else to babysit so we can go out every weekend.

 

I'm still trying to brainstorm for ideas to help give my husband more freetime to study as well. Usually he spends about half of the weekend doing homework as it is, and he gets home too late at night to do much after classes. The bulk of his freetime is during the day when he has the kids. If I could find somewhere he could take them for a couple of hours, or something to keep the kids entertained for while so he can atleast get his reading portion done with no disruptions...

[giotto]

well, I work from home and my wife works shifts, so I very often have to look after the kids when I'm working... it's not good. It's not easy. I had "fights" with my wife about this, but, although she says she understands, there is no solution. I end up working week-ends instead of being with the family in order to make up the time lost. It's very frustrating. So, I understand your husband. Having said that, I would like to have sex every day, nevertheless... my wife is not into it at all... we are not having sex at the moment, for many reasons... I'd love to have my wife doing what you are doing (the nice smell, lingerie, etc... sorry, I read your other thread as well...), but it never happens. Maybe we can exchange partners... I'm Italian and good looking...

[carhill]

Most universities have a great library for quiet and uninterrupted studying. Also, study groups are an option if one prefers to study in a more social environment.

 

He made the choice to return to school, cognizant of his family and marital commitments. If he really wants it, he'll figure out a way to make it work for him. I'm still not hearing anything reflective of adult status.

 

Heck, I remember, when I was caring for my mom, times when I would just book a plane flight to somewhere so I could be "alone" and paid a caregiver to watch her, even if "alone" meant being contained in an aluminum tube with 200 other people. The critical thing is that they weren't crazy and I couldn't be expected to fix anything. It helped. Counseling helped more

 

Sounds to me like hubby knowingly or unknowingly has overwhelmed himself. Maybe school is an escape. Who knows. Whatever it is, keep engaging him. If you don't, he'll slip away, IMO.

[Jennifer26]

Most universities have a great library for quiet and uninterrupted studying. Also, study groups are an option if one prefers to study in a more social environment.

 

He made the choice to return to school, cognizant of his family and marital commitments. If he really wants it, he'll figure out a way to make it work for him. I'm still not hearing anything reflective of adult status.

 

Heck, I remember, when I was caring for my mom, times when I would just book a plane flight to somewhere so I could be "alone" and paid a caregiver to watch her, even if "alone" meant being contained in an aluminum tube with 200 other people. The critical thing is that they weren't crazy and I couldn't be expected to fix anything. It helped. Counseling helped more

 

Sounds to me like hubby knowingly or unknowingly has overwhelmed himself. Maybe school is an escape. Who knows. Whatever it is, keep engaging him. If you don't, he'll slip away, IMO.

 

As for the school library, he could not go unless he brought the children with him. He has the kids from the time I leave for work in the morning, until late afternoon when we swap. His classes are back to back, the longest break he has inbetween is 40 minutes, but he has to drive back and forth because it's a large campus.

 

He's been in school for years. Initially he started out part time, which worked great but it was taking forever. Before we had our second child, things weren't too bad because there was only one child to care for and he'd often take him out to the park, or to an indoor play park and do his studying then. Now with the baby and winter, those things haven't been an option.

 

He is definitely overwhelmed. I can understand why, but he seems so reluctant to try to change anything or improve the situation. His attitude is this is it, it sucks, and nothing can be done about it.

 

I do feel sometimes he expects me to fix everything, and he takes a back seat approach to problem solving. I often feel more like his mother than his partner, which I don't care for at all.