Can you come back from hate?

[evryrozhasitsthorn]

It's been almost three years since my wife cheated on me. We've been to numerous seminars, counselors, and have good friends who have tried to help. She has issues as a result of abuse and alcoholism in her childhood. I don't want to admit that I hate my wife, but the lack of progress to this point and the way her baggage explodes on the kids have caused me to come to that conclusion. If she makes more progress with her individual therapist, is there anyone out there who thinks I can learn to like her again?

[amaysngrace]

Okay well she admits she has a problem. Now she needs to figure her way out of it. If she does, sure you will learn to like her again and respect her for getting the help she needs.

 

But trust her? I'm not sure about that...

[evryrozhasitsthorn]

I think I've been in and out of the indifference phase. Some say that indifference is worse than hate. I don't know anymore. My patience is running out.

[mercy]

You sound tired. Emotionally tired. You didn't ask for any of this and it may feel like you have put a hell of a lot of work into something for another. And still there is more work to be done. Tired.

 

I may be wrong but it seems like a lot has been focused on fixing and helping her. But what about you? What are you doing for you? Are you talking with someone?

 

Three years is a long time. Are you seeing any positives for all your hard work?

 

What about love and joy? Do you have any?

[evryrozhasitsthorn]

I've been trying to protect them from her and a divorce at the same time. It's a lose-lose (as I've described to another poster). If I separate or divorce, they will be exposed to her without me around. If I stay, at least I can protect them a little.

 

I want to like her because I want her to be likable! If she is likable, I suspect that she will have processed her stupid past and become a better person.

 

You sound tired. Emotionally tired. You didn't ask for any of this and it may feel like you have put a hell of a lot of work into something for another. And still there is more work to be done. Tired.

 

I may be wrong but it seems like a lot has been focused on fixing and helping her. But what about you? What are you doing for you? Are you talking with someone?

 

Three years is a long time. Are you seeing any positives for all your hard work?

 

What about love and joy? Do you have any?

 

I'm tired and I'm losing patience, that's true. I don't do enough for me, that's true. I have love and joy with my kids. They are great kids. They are talented, good looking, and smart.

 

I don't let myself worry about emotions. I have to provide for my family. I have my own business and if I don't work, I don't get paid. I know that might catch up with me at some point, but I'm in survival mode. I have a counselor, and good friends, but none of them can change my wife.