To divorce or not the perfect husband, there lies the question

[PigeonNest]

Dear posters;

 

I have been married to my husband for the last 8 years, and so far, they have been quite happy. Though we did hit a rough patch about 3 years into our marriage, due to the interference of my IL's, we were able to go to counseling and overcome this obstacle, and I would say that we are quite happy on each other company's. We are very loving towards each other and everybody comments on how much like newlyweds we are.

 

However, all not is green in this lawn. I have always been hesitant about marriage for one very reason: I don't want to be a mother, and I told my husband before we married that I did not like children, and though I told him that I might change my mind, there was quite a big chance that I wouldn't. Fast forward to this day: though we did try to have our own children, and failed miserably - we even tried IVF! - we were unsuccessful, and now he wants to either adopt or pursue further fertility treatments. I on the other hand, was willing to try having a child (after all, those maternal hormones have certainly worked wonders in other childphobes as I am), but since we could not have a child, I see it as nature telling me that I should not be a mother. I absolutely refuse to go through fertility treatments again, and though in theory adoption seems like a good option, the job of raising a child is so foreign and unappealing to me, that I doubt that I would ever be happy raising a child, especially one that is not related to me. I am 100% sure that I don't want a child, and I thank my lucky stars that the fertility treatments did not work. The whole idea of being a mother feels like death to me - I apologize if this offends any mothers that might read this post, but I am being open about my feelings.

 

My husband is older than I am (he is in his early 40's, while I am in my early 30's) so the option of waiting for my maternal instinct to kick in is not very feasible, after all, he will almost be eligible for Medicare when the child graduates from college. Though he told me that he rather be with me than having a child, I see that if his desire to have a child is so big, that it is unfair for him to be with me. He is still young, handsome and a total sweetheart, so I don't doubt that he will find someone willing and able to give him the child that he wants. Now, I find myself steeling myself to the inevitable breakup, even already picturing my solo life and even working on spreadsheets, and making peace with the change. I don't know what to do. How do you divorce someone you love and loves you back? and how do you prevent falling out of love with someone as a cautionary measure when you see that your relationship is destined to doom?

[whichwayisup]

Don't ever apologize for not wanting children. It's better to be honest about it than to suck it up and have one just to make someone else happy.

 

Your husband loves you and he knew going in that the chances of having a child with you were really low.

 

Continue to be honest with him - Tell him you love him but don't to adopt a child. See what he says..

 

Does he have nieces and nephews? Do you? If so, then you two can be involved in their lives, have sleepovers and be wonderful aunty and uncle to them! It isn't the same of course of having your own child, but it's still an amazing bond.

[pcplod]

That's a phrase I have seen quoted elsewhere on more than one occasion and it has to be worth dwelling on.

 

You have strong instincts on this, and I suspect that you have a good cause to. Contemplate suppressing them at your, and in fact, his peril.

 

You suspect he may well be in denial over his expression that he would choose you over children if push came to shove simply because his actions, so far, say what he truly believes, not his actual words. He is in a place called Denial. He is the one pushing for further IVF. He is the one pushing for IVF. You, at best, have been acquiescing to that.

 

It's time to get hard-nosed, unfortunately. You need to tell him that there is going to be no further IVF, no adoption, no children. He needs to come to terms with what they really means to him. This doesn't make either of you bad or inadequate people, just different people, in a way that neither of you could truly appreciate 8 years ago. And it isn't an agenda for blaming one another for making unwarranted assumptions or accusations about changing your mind. It will help neither of you, longer-term.

 

The time it takes to bring a child to maturity, say the best part of 20 years, is far too long to contain regrets or grudges, it simply isn't and you can't walk away from that realisation. If you do, you would only be putting off an inevitable separation further on down the road, several years from now.

 

8 years is a significant life investment but it isn't indispensable, it is a position, that you rightly point out, that you both can recover from.

 

I would suggest that he needs to talk to someone professionally about his feelings, away from you, and emotionally as far away from your relationship that is practical, in order to fully examine his true feelings on the subject. It is possible to live with big regrets from life, but you do need to know that you really can, rather than pretending to yourself you can.

[Solcita2]

You just need to be honest with him the way you were honest here.

 

Tell him that once pregnant you thought you could get all the mother feeling and all, but after the failed IVF you think nature is telling you this is not for you. That you don't wanna keep doing any more procedures.

Also tell him you wouldn't like to go ahead with the adoption, because adopting a child that it's not from your wound would be harder to get the mother instinct you were expecting to feel when pregnand.

 

Honesty is the most important thing. I know he might always think you'd change your mind because you were "too young" when you got married, but it's time to let him know you still feel the same way. The divorce or not, it's his choice, you shouldn't divorce him because you think it'd be unfair for him, let him decide.

 

Take care