Falling out of love with spouse who has severe anxiety? Don't want to end it :(

[eurekagold]

I've been married 10 years to the man I thought was Mr. Right. Years into our marriage, someone commented that we were "too into each other". I thought I could never fall out of love. Now I'm scared I might be wrong, and I don't want that. I want our marriage to work.

 

About six years ago, my husband was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. He's been on neurontin, but he still freaks out a lot. It's so bad that even little things he lies about to avoid conflict. For years he would not tell me things and be closed up. We had a huge argument about that, and he's been better about it (as far as I can tell). We had the repair man come over to fix the garbage disposal, and he was lying for no reason! The man said just for reference corn husks don't go down well, and my husband started nervously telling him we "usually throw those away". Problem? We haven't eaten husked corn in MONTHS, and it certainly didn't go down the disposal.

 

His last job he was always fretting about everything he did wrong. He has NO self confidence at all. He got a new job that he was totally gung ho about, and it pays enough that we actually have disposable income instead if barely scraping by as we were before. However, he's flat out freaked out by it. He can't even sleep because he stresses out over it so much. No one else (so he says) stresses so much about the job. He's looking for another job, but I'm scared he won't find one, will be just as anxious in a new one, etc.

 

He also has mentioned that he's been having some paranoid thoughts. Not about people, but about things. Like he's suddenly afraid to go into talk buildings because he's afraid they're just going to collapse.

 

He just started a new medication, and he goes to counseling once a week unless a schedule problem interferes. I don't think it's fair for me to be feeling the way I am right now, since he IS trying. He's also addicted to eating, and he's obese now. He's having health problems because of it, and he's only in his early 30s. He's lost some weight, but he's really struggling with dieting and breaking the addiction. He's also had addictions in the past to medications, which he didn't tell me about at first, though he's later disclosed them. He has me monitoring his medication use now, so I know he's serious about staying clean.

 

He sleeps all day when he's not working, he has no energy or motivation for anything. When he's not sleeping, he watches reruns of shows I find annoying or plays video games. I usually just go in the room and study, read, or watch something of my own.

 

I feel like I can't trust him. I'm not worried about him cheating. I just never know if he's hiding something because he's afraid to admit it. I also think he's constantly lying to HIMSELF, so I can't trust his decisions. He never seems to know what he wants. He gets excited about something, and my first thought is, "Sure, let's see how long this phase lasts before you realize it's not what you wanted, either."

 

I'm so stressed out by his problems that I've not been sleeping well, I can't study (I'm a graduate student in a hard science, and it's really dragging me down). I want to keep loving and supporting him, but I don't even want to spend time with him anymore. He sleeps on the sofa due to both health issues and his schedule, I sleep on the bed. Our sex life is almost non-existent. I'm not physically attracted to him anymore, but I'm not so shallow as to think that has to be there for a marriage to work. However, it's really hard to be in the mood when I've never really been satisfied in the first place, and now the physical and emotional attraction is fading.

 

He's had problems with money since day one, too, and that's always been stressful. He just HAD to go to the expensive private graduate school. Then he started a PhD program in the same expensive school, then quit. Now he can't find a job in his field where we are. He moved here with me so I could go to graduate school (mine is paid for plus a stipend for living expenses), but I moved to a state I hated when he was in the military do I could be with him. Am I horrible for feeling like it should be my time to have things go right for me?

 

I know I've done things wrong. The first few years of marriage I was dealing with depression from my own parent's recent divorce (I got married at 19), and I'm easily stressed out by school related things. I'm an overachiever when it comes to school. I graduated undergrad with a 4.0, at the cost of my sanity. He put up with my test anxiety and my fears I'd never get into grad school. I feel insanely guilty for feeling so put off by his problems now.

 

I've thought about marriage counseling, but it's so expensive! We certainly couldn't afford it more than once a month. I don't WANT it to end, but I also don't feel much more from him than that he's a burden. Every once in a while the man I married will shine through, and I'll be happy again for a few minutes.

 

He's NOT a bad man or a bad husband. He still loves me dearly. He buys me flowers, he knows he's stressing me out and asked if he could help me in any way (there's just not much he can do right now that would help). He makes me tea when I'm studying, and I know he's TRYING to be a good husband. That just makes me feel worse for questioning how I feel. He's a good man, he just has some bad problems. I'm scared I'll never get him back as he was, I'm scared he's going to ruin my goals and plans, I'm scared I am going to be the one to ruin our marriage with my doubts.

 

I'm NOT religious, so please no advice about trusting God or whatever. I'm an evolutionary biologist. It doesn't get much more non-religious than that. I'm just looking for straight advice, maybe experiences of those who have gone through something similar. I'm just tired of being stressed out and crying all the time.

Edited March 30, 2013 by eurekagold

[Techie Artist]

What good is it to buy flowers when the illness needs treatment? Take whatever money you have for extras and put it into professional counseling. You are young and sound codependent...in light of your first statement from a close friend. You know it's true deep inside.

 

I'm sorry that your H is mentally stressed, but he must continue to see a doctor. Maybe ask whether there are support resources available to you. You never said what kind of medical insurance you have. Some employers offer mental healthcare at reduced or limited free session costs.

 

It sounds like you want to be the supportive W. That's good. However, not everyone is able to endure the impacts of serious mental health. You need to discover why you are "too" into him and understand what your friend meant (if he/she was sharing this insight out of love). There may be some indicator of which you're not aware. Maybe you need individual counseling (IC).

[Sensitivesoul]

I would be looking at whether he's on the right medication I suffer from severe anxiety and have been on a lot of medication that was wrong. Extra counselling might help!! Stressing out is very hard I found before bed I would write down all my frustrations and worries in a journal!! This has helped alot. Also my husband is supportive sometimes though that extra push of we are getting up and going for a walk together helps me clear my head! Have u thought about joining a gym together? I'm not an expert but I hope it all works out for you

[eurekagold]

I meant that comment as a way to say we felt so close and really had a long honeymoon stage. So it seems extra hard to me that we aren's as emitionally connected as we were. The person who said it really didn't know us at all (friend's girlfriend). I didn't say they were a close friend, just said 'someone'. I apologize for the misunderstanding.

 

I could be wrong, but I really don't feel I'm co-dependent. If anything, I tend to be too willful. I do have my own life, I have my own friends (as well as shared friends) and interests, I go to public outreach things on my own, and I know I could take care if myself if we split up. I could live on my own. It'd be tight, but with only one person to pay for, it's doable. That doesn't mean I WANT to split up. I know the man I love is there somewhere, and I think my feelings are a result of stress. It's hard to be sure, though, given the situation. I believe marriage IS for better or worse, though I'm not naive enough to think a bad marriage has to be clung to forever.

 

Anyway, he has never tried to stop me from pursuing my own dreams and goals, and I wouldn't have stayed with him if he had. Getting my phd has been my main goal, and he's supported that. My husband has his issues (many), but being manipulative or controlling is not one of them. I wish he had MORE of a backbone, to be honest, because he has absolutely no self-confidence. He's very quick to blame himself, then sink into a low, which is extremely frustrating for me. I'd rather he just yell at me, blow up, tell me what I'm doing wrong. If I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I can't fix it. He's slowly been improving in that regard.

 

I have student insurance through my school, United Heathcare. I'm a graduate student and don't work outside of any teaching or research assistantships I get. I'm on a fellowship this semester. My husband gets treated through veteran affairs. He IS going, and it's no cost to him, thankfully.

 

I agree that flowers don't help the underlying issue, but my point there is that he still tries to go out of his way to show he cares. Buying me flowers once in a while isn't breaking the bank, and $5 less spent every few months isn't going to cover couples counseling. It's not like he does it constantly, but he DOES do little things to show he loves me: like the occasional flowers, bringing me tea without my asking, asking what he can do to help out. I'll come home to a nice clean apartment, or he will make a dinner he knows I like. You know, those little things that let your partner know you still value and care for them.

 

It's easy to paint a terrible picture of someone when they are causing stress, so I want to make it clear that his addiction problem and anxiety are the issues, as well as my confused feelings. There's no hitting, no manipulation, no cheating, none of the big no-noes. He is making the effort to fix things by going to counseling, trying to diet, giving me his medications so I can be sure he isn't taking more than he's supposed to.

 

Unfortunately, that leaves me feeling horrible about feeling emotionally detached. If he's making the effort, is it right for me to still be feeling this way? Is it fair? And that is ME talking, not him. He's flat out told me he wouldn't blame me for leaving, if I did. If I made that choice, I know he wouldn't try to stop me or hold me back. I DON'T want to just give up, though. Yes, it would be easier on me, but we are talking about ten years of marriage, most of which have been pretty good. Ups and downs, yes, but anyone who claims a perfect relationship is either lying or is the luckiest person in the entire world.

 

I just want to make the RIGHT decision for both of us (I don't want to harm him by clinging to a relationship that's not good just as much as I don't want to harm myself). If that eventually means splitting up, okay, but I don't want to do that hastily and regret it for the rest of my life. I'm hoping someone else has gone through the experience of a partner with addictions, anxiety, or other mental issues and can give me a bit of clearer head insight. If I'm doing something wrong, I'm happy to work on it. I'm no epitome of perfection, I know that. I'm ok with who I am, generally speaking, but I know I have faults.

[carhill]

Tough situation...

 

Who prescribed the neurontin/gabapentin? It's an anti-seizure med sometimes used to treat anxiety in certain classes of patients. We used it as part of a dementia cocktail, off-label, but a psych (psychiatrist and neurologist) were in charge of care.

 

For a young, otherwise healthy individual, there are other options for GAD. My suggestion is to investigate them. I can say that the med did little for me while caregiving other than perhaps not care as much about the anxiety.

 

I think MC with a psychologist who is conversant with GAD and depression would be worth the interview money. Fees can be negotiated and/or payment plans established. In our case, insurance paid nothing but did get the contracted rate under 100/session. I ended up using some retirement funds to pay for it. We had about 14 months of MC, generally 3 sessions a month. I found it very helpful.

 

If you've indeed fallen out of love and don't find your H attractive anymore, MC could facilitate a more amicable divorce, as it did for us. We never got to the point of 'couch sleeping', even at the end but I can understand where you're coming from.

 

I wish there was a magic pill but there's not. I fear the seeking of help may have come too late. It's far more efficacious when both parties still have love and attraction between them. Good luck.

[eurekagold]

I would be looking at whether he's on the right medication I suffer from severe anxiety and have been on a lot of medication that was wrong. Extra counselling might help!! Stressing out is very hard I found before bed I would write down all my frustrations and worries in a journal!! This has helped alot. Also my husband is supportive sometimes though that extra push of we are getting up and going for a walk together helps me clear my head! Have u thought about joining a gym together? I'm not an expert but I hope it all works out for you

 

Thanks, hearing the other side and what works definitely helps. We do sometimes go to the gym together, but it's difficult with him working overnight and me in classes and doing research during the day. I do encourage him to go talk walks with me, but he often doesn't want to get out of the house. He just sleeps a lot and has full blown panic attacks. He went to the VA emergency clinic Tuesday due to one. Do you think it's a good idea to be pushier then? I feel like he's so fragile he will break if I do, but maybe its what he needs.

[eurekagold]

Tough situation...

 

Who prescribed the neurontin/gabapentin? It's an anti-seizure med sometimes used to treat anxiety in certain classes of patients. We used it as part of a dementia cocktail, off-label, but a psych (psychiatrist and neurologist) were in charge of care.

 

For a young, otherwise healthy individual, there are other options for GAD. My suggestion is to investigate them. I can say that the med did little for me while caregiving other than perhaps not care as much about the anxiety.

 

I think MC with a psychologist who is conversant with GAD and depression would be worth the interview money. Fees can be negotiated and/or payment plans established. In our case, insurance paid nothing but did get the contracted rate under 100/session. I ended up using some retirement funds to pay for it. We had about 14 months of MC, generally 3 sessions a month. I found it very helpful.

 

If you've indeed fallen out of love and don't find your H attractive anymore, MC could facilitate a more amicable divorce, as it did for us. We never got to the point of 'couch sleeping', even at the end but I can understand where you're coming from.

 

I wish there was a magic pill but there's not. I fear the seeking of help may have come too late. It's far more efficacious when both parties still have love and attraction between them. Good luck.

 

His VA psych. I do know when he forgets to take it (hasn't happened in a while), he gets in very bad shape. He just got put on something else a couple days ago (can't remember what off the top of my head).

 

We don't have much in the way of savings (a few hundred for emergencies), so I'm not sure where the money would come from. Even at $100, we'd be hard pressed to go more than once a month. We've been paycheck to paycheck for most of our marriage, so we haven't been able to save up anything. His new job has given us a little extra so we can start saving, but not enough that we could afford regular MC sessions. I can get free counseling from my school clinic, he gets his from the VA. There's just not MC available at either.

 

I'm not sure if I've fallen out of love or am just stressed out. It's easy to say I have, but I've never fallen out of live before. He's the only man I can honestly say I've truly loved. I'm ok with that, just I don't know what falling out of love feels like. It could be a rut, stress, or actually falling out. That's why I don't want to just jump right in and give up.

Edited March 31, 2013 by eurekagold

[Sensitivesoul]

Being pushy can go either way he's going to want to change. Wanting to change the better for yourself is hard but if he wants to get out of his rut!! I couldn't leave the house and would set myself a 3 hour window to get to work ( it was a 20 min drive) I would leave the house freak out and go back inside several times!! But in the end I knew I couldn't live like this!! I pushed myself and very slowly my anxiety came easier to deal with!! Does he have any close friends?? My bestie was very supportive she couldn't understand it but would be there with me as I was crying panicking down the street !! What about his family ? Maybe help from outside family/friends might make him realise. Addictions can be hard aswel I suffered from OCD and it was a nightmare I used to iron the pillows on my bed!! I know routine is important for me. Has he thought about getting a daytime job? So he's not working nights and sleeping all day ? I feel for u as Im going through some hard times with my h and we are only newly married!! You have gone through a lot but it takes both of you to fight for your relationship! I have said to h that I will fight for us but you do have to look at whether your with him cos you pity him!! Life's too short you have to be happy too!!!!

[whichwayisup]

Google depressionfallout, some really helpful information and an ebook to download. It'll help you as well as him, trust me!

 

Don't give up on him. If the situation was reversed, don't think you'd want him to bail on you. Mental illness is serious, like cancer or diabetes!

 

He needs help asap, if this drug isn't working try another one. Get a new therapist, one that specializes in cognitive behaviour therapy. MANY people suffer from panic and anxiety attacks, social anxiety.. It CAN be controlled, with the help of the right therapist whom he can trust and talk to openly.

 

This is hard on you, I get that. But, don't throw in the towel. He needs you. He loves you and you love him..It's frustrating to see the one you love wasting away to this kind of anxiety and mental illness. It hurts but you DO need to decide if you're in or you're out. If you commit, yes your R with him will change for a while, but if he can pull himself out of this, get through the anxiety and learn how to fight it and control it, that man you fell for many years ago, will be back. just know that it never goes away forever, but it can be treatable, controlled so he can live again.

 

Remember your vows, in sickness and health.

 

There are rough times in a marriage, don't give up unless you truly want out and can't stand being around him anymore.

[eurekagold]

Thanks for the advice. He's looking for any other job right now, but jobs aren't easy to come by. He has an interview, but it's another overnight. He's been worse since this job, so I think a different one without the same type of demands would at least help.

 

That's a question I've asked myself. I don't know how to tell if I'm just in a rut/stressed, with him still because of pity or because I'm used to it, or what it is. I'm willing to fight for our marriage if it is worth fighting for. I THINK it is, but emotions can be so tricky. This is why I work with flies instead if people! Flies act on instinct regulated by relatively forward biochemical reactions. Compared to emotions, genes and proteins are easy to figure out!

[Mycatsnuggles]

The doctor can only treat the symptoms reported to him/her. Has he ever kept a journal. Keep a "thought record" for at least a month, listing his feelings, the circumstances which lead up to the feelings (ie. fight with spouse, felt anxious), and how the moods change throught the day. He may not be giving enough information to receive proper medications, mental health treatment is really trial and error and it can be difficult to determine which prescribtions will work best. If he has had addiction problems in the past Neurontin is often perscribed instead of more addictive types of meds.

 

If your a college student you may have free counseling at your school. I did and found it to be very good. And its FREE. If nothing else it offers you a chance to talk. Look into group counseling on campus or through public program like Easter Seals. There is counseling available on a sliding scale of costs or even free.

 

Hope this helps. Mental health IS a medical problem and needs to be treated as such. Think of it like treating heart disease or diabetes. He can't "just get over it" it needs to be treated with meds and counseling and can be managed.

[eurekagold]

I have individual counseling that is free to me, but not couples counseling.

 

I'm aware it's a disease and needs treatment. That's why he's getting it, and I certainly don't expect him to just "get over it". I have attended some of his counseling sessions, and he appears to be very honest about his symptoms, etc.