In a bdsm relationship

[concerned-friend]

People think I’m happy with my relationship. They don't know I'm pressured to do those things I dislike. I haven't told my family about any of the issues and they don't know about the bdsm part of our relationship. I'm interested in people's opinions.

 

Background

 

I do love my boyfriend of 5 years but I’m seeing things I don’t like.

 

My boyfriend is financially well off and respected by nearly everyone

 

He tries really hard to impress people

 

People inside and outside of the bsdm scene like my boyfriend

 

Everyone I know is friends with or knows my boyfriend.

 

He wants to marry me and we have discussed having children in the future

 

I’m pretty open minded sexually and am also bisexual

 

I do not have a job, but I want a job

 

I feel like I’m going crazy in this house with no mental stimulation and nothing to do but clean, exercise, and take care of the pets

 

 

Pluses in the Relationship

 

He buys me clothes and accessories. Some are very sexy, some are everyday clothes.

 

He spent a lot of time helping me with a lot of schoolwork including math and writing papers for classes

 

He tells me how beautiful I am all the time

 

He tells me how great I am all the time

 

He pays for everything and takes me out wherever I want to go

 

He posts on modeling forums pretending to be me to get me modeling jobs

 

He pretends to be me online so I don't need to

 

He lets me live in his house for free

 

He kisses me and he cuddles me

 

He tells me I can do whatever I put my mind to

 

He gives my brother rides and is nice to my family who love him very much

 

 

General Problems

 

He forces me to take care of the dog which he has no time for and which I never wanted

 

He made me quit job I started because of inconvenience to him due to a us sharing a single car

 

He makes me do most of the housework

 

I was working on certification for a class and when I would work late into the evenings he said he felt like I was ignoring him

 

 

Problems related to bdsm

 

I’m forced to have orgasms in bdsm events against my will.

 

He allows others to hit me with cane against will and left bruises on my leg and ass during events.

 

He makes me take my panties off while in public

 

Many times I feel like I am a blow up doll

 

He really likes watching me have sex with other girls and many times I feel like I am being pressured to do so even when I am not attracted to the girl

 

He won't let me choose which outfits to wear, forcing me to wear his choices

 

He shops for sex toys that I don’t want like pussy pumps and uses them on me even when I don’t like them

 

He pressures me to get flogged in public, removes my clothes, and performs sexual acts on me to make himself look good in front of people, like fingering me and sucking on nipples

 

Once he made me have sex in front of everyone at a private bdsm party at someone’s house when I was drunk. I told him I wasn't feeling well he got angry and acted like it was an inconvenience. I was angry about it and I felt forced to perform (like moaning) to make him look good.

 

Note: Posted by her friend, but responses will be read and made by her.

[Els]

What you're talking about is NOT BDSM.

 

How much have you actually educated yourself on BDSM before getting involved in it? Even thirty minutes of reading would have been sufficient to inform you that the central tenet of BDSM is consent. Obviously, something that is lacking in your current 'BDSM relationship'.

 

If you're serious about this (ie you don't happen to be a resident of the under-bridge community...), you need to leave pronto.

[Tinie]

Ugh he sounds like a controlling psychopath. Get the hell out.

[Deerhunter]

I agree with Elswyth and Sadperson. You need to get out. Could he force you to do heroin?

You shouldn't be forced into anything you don't want to do. That's not love.

[Almond_Joy]

Why did you let him cripple your independence? You quit your job so you have no income of your own. Still in school, let him buy your clothes......

 

It'll be all the harder to leave when you've got no resources of your own.

 

You gave him so much control over your life and have shown no inclination to leave.

 

I think you should make a complete and clean break, cut all ties and establish yourself on your own with friends and family. This relationship is so unhealthy and it'll just be all the harder to fix when you're dependent like this. Go live with a friend or some family members. Finish school get a job. You can assess whether to try this relationship again when you're better established.

[CC12]

People think I’m happy with my relationship. They don't know I'm pressured to do those things I dislike. I haven't told my family about any of the issues and they don't know about the bdsm part of our relationship. I'm interested in people's opinions.

 

A lot of this seems really messed up. But then again, a lot of this seems like it could be standard humiliation/dominance stuff? So that's what confuses this issue a lot for me, and I'm guessing that goes for you too, OP.

 

I'm thinking if this were a "normal" vanilla relationship, you'd be like, "Oh **** no, that is not okay and I'm not putting up with that." But you've got this Dom/sub label so maybe you're not sure if it's okay to say no to things? And if you do say no to things, maybe your boyfriend thinks that's part of the game? Not that it excuses what he does to you - as said before, consent is a huge part of BDSM, and it sounds like he's not expressly getting it beforehand. That's a problem.

 

Have you ever told him that you don't want to do these things? Does he ask you? Do you have a safe word?

 

After all these bad sexual experiences you've had with him, do you think you could ever have a healthy sex life with him again? Would you want one?

[concerned-friend]

A lot of this seems really messed up. But then again, a lot of this seems like it could be standard humiliation/dominance stuff? So that's what confuses this issue a lot for me, and I'm guessing that goes for you too, OP.

 

I'm thinking if this were a "normal" vanilla relationship, you'd be like, "Oh **** no, that is not okay and I'm not putting up with that." But you've got this Dom/sub label so maybe you're not sure if it's okay to say no to things? And if you do say no to things, maybe your boyfriend thinks that's part of the game? Not that it excuses what he does to you - as said before, consent is a huge part of BDSM, and it sounds like he's not expressly getting it beforehand. That's a problem.

 

Have you ever told him that you don't want to do these things? Does he ask you? Do you have a safe word?

 

After all these bad sexual experiences you've had with him, do you think you could ever have a healthy sex life with him again? Would you want one?

 

I'm not into humiliation. In the beginning I like being an exhibitionist, but not anymore, but liked wearing outfits and feel I'm in a different place now and those things aren't important anymore.

 

He has his good points and he has his bad points. The good being that I know he really loves me, he wants to help me, he supported financially for 5 years now. The bad is as much as I appreciate his support, it has hindered my ability to take care of myself.

 

On top of that he wants to use me as a trophy-girlfriend to make himself look good in front of people. I was somewhat ok with it at first, but now it's just wearing thin.

 

Part of it is I'm not a strong person and I'm sort of gullible. Also, because he's supported me for so long financially, I feel obligated to fulfill his desires.

 

He has a safe word, but when I told him something bothered me in scene, during a scene when one of the toys kept failing, I didn't want to say anything on the scene because I'm not supposed to say anything to embarrass him.

 

So after I got home, I told him I didn't want to use the toy and I wasn't happy. And his reaction was literally "I don't give a **** what you want. If I want to leave you tied up for an hour and leave and take off, then I will do that." My feeling is that's generally his attitude and how he feels about it in general.

[CC12]

Okay, well, I tried to reserve judgment as best I could, but after this update, I'm not going to bother giving your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt anymore.

 

He's terrible and you shouldn't be with him.

 

I think he's using the BDSM thing as a cover to be abusive to his partner. I've always thought there's a very fine line between an abusive relationship and a D/s relationship, and I think your boyfriend has crossed that line and is now just using that lifestyle to lend legitimacy to his extreme abuse.

 

Part of it is I'm not a strong person and I'm sort of gullible.

 

I'm really sorry you feel this way about yourself. I can relate to it, though. It took me a long time to correct those same character flaws. But you're at least recognizing those flaws so hopefully you can actively work on them (without him in your life.)

 

Also, because he's supported me for so long financially, I feel obligated to fulfill his desires.

 

You are not obligated to do anything. Ever. For any reason. Tell yourself this over and over. You are not obligated to do anything.

 

Do you have friends or family you can stay with if you ever decided to leave him?

[CC12]

Sorry for the double post, but I forgot to address this before

 

He has a safe word, but when I told him something bothered me in scene, during a scene when one of the toys kept failing, I didn't want to say anything on the scene because I'm not supposed to say anything to embarrass him.

 

He has a safe word? No, what about you? YOU are the one who needs a safe word. The fact that he hasn't asked you for one means that he doesn't really care about your comfort and safety during a scene.

Edited May 21, 2013 by CC12

[concerned-friend]

Sorry for the double post, but I forgot to address this before

 

 

 

He has a safe word? No, what about you? YOU are the one who needs a safe word. The fact that he hasn't asked you for one means that he doesn't really care about your comfort and safety during a scene.

 

I meant I have a safe word but he gets upset when things don't go the way he wants.

[therhythm]

Look lady or friend of the lady, or whoever you are ...

BDSM is a consensual act, if you feel coerced/forced to adhere to the fantasies or games of your boyfriend you are by no means experiencing BDSM but a form of rape and humiliation which is legally a crime in most of the civilized countries around the world!

You should not allow anyone to force you to do things you are not willing to do, you are an adult woman, begin acting like it and dump that bastard!

[TaraMaiden]

I can't actually write what I'm thinking, but think of every expletive deleted you can think of, because trust me, no matter what they are, I'm thinking them....

 

This is a sadistic, horrific, toxic potentially fatal and utterly abominable situation to be in, and you need to get out of there as soon as you can.

 

This is not a sane situation, and this will lead to damage, injury and could eventually lead to you being severely hurt.

 

I don't now if this is really posted by a friend, or by you, or by someone trolololling, or by the sadistic bas.tard himself, as some kind of voyeuristic kick...

This is just a mess.

 

It's known as a classic clusterf.uc.k and I really cannot for the life of me see what you see in this completely senseless and insane scenario.

Get out, get out fast and get out now.

[concerned-friend]

This post is by concerned-friend, not Jane:

 

Jane's boyfriend looks at her browsing history, email, phone, logs, text, etc and has access to all her passwords. She cannot change passwords because he would be suspicious. She reads this thread when he's not around and verbally gives me the responses.

 

Prior to meeting her bf, Jane was an exotic dancer for some years. He made her stop but those years linked her mindset equating paying for things as the measure of love and success. She feels her boyfriend is extremely successful, probably the most successful person she has ever met.

 

Her BF is about the same age, works for a wealthy uncle who started a tech business, and the uncle provided the down payment for their modest home. They have one car which he uses most the days for his commute. Adding another would be a financial burden so she's effectively isolated except occasionally borrowing it for a chore. Ironically, the car belongs to her - it's from her dancing days, but his broke so he uses hers now.

 

She keeps repeating: "Everybody loves him. Everybody respects him. My family loves him. He's a really good guy and I love him. Everyone says what a good guy he is. He's so smart. He always knows exactly what to say to other people to make things right. He pays for everything. He cuddles with me at night. He looks so cute and says he loves me. He buys me presents. He buys me clothes. He loves me so much. It's not really as bad as it looks."

 

I don't now if this is really posted by a friend, or by you, or by someone trolololling, or by the sadistic bas.tard himself, as some kind of voyeuristic kick...

This is just a mess.

 

When I posted this, I thought it sounded unbelievable as well. How could a pretty, young, bubbly, and personable girl who has managed to handle men in the most cynical environments rationalize this situation?

 

Nonetheless, every word in the OP was written by Jane. It took a lot of work to stick with the facts though.

[therhythm]

This post is by concerned-friend, not Jane:

 

Jane's boyfriend looks at her browsing history, email, phone, logs, text, etc and has access to all her passwords. She cannot change passwords because he would be suspicious. She reads this thread when he's not around and verbally gives me the responses.

 

Prior to meeting her bf, Jane was an exotic dancer for some years. He made her stop but those years linked her mindset equating paying for things as the measure of love and success. She feels her boyfriend is extremely successful, probably the most successful person she has ever met.

 

Her BF is about the same age, works for a wealthy uncle who started a tech business, and the uncle provided the down payment for their modest home. They have one car which he uses most the days for his commute. Adding another would be a financial burden so she's effectively isolated except occasionally borrowing it for a chore. Ironically, the car belongs to her - it's from her dancing days, but his broke so he uses hers now.

 

She keeps repeating: "Everybody loves him. Everybody respects him. My family loves him. He's a really good guy and I love him. Everyone says what a good guy he is. He's so smart. He always knows exactly what to say to other people to make things right. He pays for everything. He cuddles with me at night. He looks so cute and says he loves me. He buys me presents. He buys me clothes. He loves me so much. It's not really as bad as it looks."

 

 

 

When I posted this, I thought it sounded unbelievable as well. How could a pretty, young, bubbly, and personable girl who has managed to handle men in the most cynical environments rationalize this situation?

 

Nonetheless, every word in the OP was written by Jane. It took a lot of work to stick with the facts though.

 

Wow, if you are her friend you need to tell her to run from this guy.

I don't know when this is a trolling thread or it is for real, but if it is for real he is really bad news and you need to help her to get away from him.

If she is so scared that she doesn't even dare to write in a forum he has to be very dangerous!

[TaraMaiden]

Here's what you do.

You sound like an intelligent, articulate, coherent, sensible and capable individual.

At the soonest possible opportunity, take her away from this environment, for her own safety,well-being, dignity and Personal health.

 

This is a dangerous, toxic and potentially explosive situation, and she merits being extricated at the soonest possible moment.

You must be able to see how terrible this all actually is.

We can see it.

Make her see it.

And get her out of there.

[concerned-friend]

concerned-friend:

 

Wow, if you are her friend you need to tell her to run from this guy.

I don't know when this is a trolling thread or it is for real, but if it is for real he is really bad news and you need to help her to get away from him.

If she is so scared that she doesn't even dare to write in a forum he has to be very dangerous!

 

Just getting her to write it down and see other people's responses who aren't related to her was a huge step. I don't blame you for thinking it could be a troll because it seems ridiculous. Even if it was a troll, the responses would be helpful to someone in a similar situation. But unfortunately, this situation is real.

 

Here's what you do.

You sound like an intelligent, articulate, coherent, sensible and capable individual.

At the soonest possible opportunity, take her away from this environment, for her own safety,well-being, dignity and Personal health.

 

This is a dangerous, toxic and potentially explosive situation, and she merits being extricated at the soonest possible moment.

You must be able to see how terrible this all actually is.

We can see it.

Make her see it.

And get her out of there.

 

I'm doing everything I can. It isn't easy and it can be exhausting to hear her defenses. Then I just point her to what she wrote in the OP, but it still doesn't sink in easily. The next step is to see if she can confide with just one member of her family, but she's afraid they'll turn their back on her because they love the boyfriend so much because he's so "financially successful".

 

I'm trying to take her out of there, but I live far away and she doesn't feel it's a bad environment. She feels that any girl in the world would love to be in her place, with someone buying everything for her. She's beginning to see differently, but it has taken many months to get this far.

 

There is a plan for her to get out, but she needs to get some things in order first or else she'll just end up worse off. She's not the most stable emotionally, and her situation is not physically dangerous as long as the boyfriend does not feel like he's being betrayed.

 

We are planning a way out, but want it to be sustainable with a job. I hope she'll have the willpower to pull it off when the time comes, but he can be awfully persuasive. Keep in mind that he's tied into her family and they think everything is perfect. It sounds like it would be simple to tell someone the issues, but she shies away from confrontation and she considers saying anything negative about her boyfriend to be confrontation.

 

If you have additional suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them.

Edited May 22, 2013 by concerned-friend

[TaraMaiden]

Take her there, sit her down, let her speak - and back her up.

 

What the hell is so difficult about that?

Seriously, in your shoes, I'd be less concerned about their opinions and a whole lot more for her safety.

[concerned-friend]

concerned-friend:

 

Take her there, sit her down, let her speak - and back her up.

 

What the hell is so difficult about that?

Seriously, in your shoes, I'd be less concerned about their opinions and a whole lot more for her safety.

 

I'm not concerned about anyone's opinions in the least, it's her. Getting her to speak to her family is not easy because she doesn't *want* to tell them. She is scared to death that they will disown her because she has "screwed up once again" with the perfect boyfriend, and that everything is her fault.

 

At the same time she feels her situation is actually pretty reasonable in most ways. Her boyfriend has just one or two character flaws, but everyone has some flaws, right? She has said many times the easiest thing to do to prevent hurting her family or her boyfriend (because they love him so much and he's such a good guy) is to just do nothing and keep things going as they are.

 

I don't think she's in physical danger at this point in their relationship, but I can see where it's going. For now, she's in a suburb of a major metropolitan area, can walk to her family, drives the car at night to stores or when he's traveling, and is not too physically isolated. However, she's very isolated psychologically and socially.

[Ursa]

A safe word that you can't use without making the other person angry isn't a safe word at all.

 

BDSM is fine. But sweetheart, this isn't BDSM, this is just...abuse. This man is all about control, and he is broken and unhealthy and he is trying to eat you up. He will eventually spit you out, chewed up and even more hurt than you are now, if you continue down this path. I know that's not what you want, and that's not what anybody else wants for you either. I know it's hard, and you think you need him, or that you owe him something because you see embers of what you think is love there...but the only person you really owe anything to, right now, in this situation, is YOURSELF. Please, take care of yourself, and get out of there. Let your concerned friend help you, THAT friend respects and cares for you more than this man you live with ever will.

 

In time you will relearn what it is to stand on your own two feet and make decisions that make you feel good about yourself. Trust me, that feels so good.

[stillafool]

First of all her bf does not love her so she can get that out of her mind. He is using her in every way possible. You say she was a dancer for a number of years therefore she isn't a minor. Doesn't she realize that she can buy her own clothes, pay her own bills, take herself on vacations and pretty much everything you mentioned if she would finish school and get a job. Why oh why in 2013 would any woman accept this behavior. Is being told you're pretty that important?

 

If your friend can't even post her own story and ask for advice it is very doubtful she is going to move out. Some women have such low self esteem they are paralyzed. If him paying her way through life is worth this abuse to her then what can you do except mind your own business.

[Kay_29]

That’s allot to digest... Your being controlled I'm sure you got really caught up and now kicking back into reality of the things you want out of life reading this you don’t seem to happy, there are allot of pros an cons in a relationship but this seems tumultuous . Someone who loves you doesn’t make you do things you don’t want. You’re a slave it’s easier said than done to get out but this isn't a healthy relationship. You need to re-evaluate what you’re in and talk to him about it, if there’s no compromise you need to make decision that'll make you happy.

[CarrieT]

This is not a BDSM relationship.

 

I am in a BDSM relationship and it does not involve doing ANYTHING that makes me uncomfortable or frightened. I am a slavegirl to a loving Master.

 

Your friend is in an abusive relationship that involves BDSM sex play and it is wrong on so many levels.

 

What you posted is a man who has more than "one or two character flaws" if she is too afraid to post herself.

 

I hope you print this thread out and show it to her. It sounds like she is staying for the financial security alone and that is not enough for a healthy, long-term relationship for anybody.

[concerned-friend]

Jane replies:

 

In defense of my boyfriend because I feel what I wrote before looked worse than it was:

 

- Many of the things he doesn't necessarily know I don't want to do. A part of this is I feel I should give him a chance to do them. I'll say yes, although it will be a reluctant thing. The pussy pump is one of the things where I told him I didn't like, but he just didn't care what I thought.

 

- I grudgingly say ok to many things. However, I've told him enough times that that I'm not a submissive that he knows when I go along that I'm just making him happy. I'm just going through motions and it's just an act.

 

- With regards to the caning, my boyfriend was taking pictures of his friend flogging a girl. Then his friend asked me if I wanted to join in. So I probably said ok, kneeled down, and was caned. So I feel that wasn't forced.

 

-I'm not perfect by any means. One time I was caught cheating by sending sexually charged texts with another guy. He yelled at me a little while, and when I was crying, he slapped me. Later on, he said I deserved to be slapped, and I agreed with.

 

- With a lot of these things, I feel that because he knows I'm not a submissive or slave and not a huge fan of these things, he should know I don't like them.

 

The reason is I feel that my job in the relationship is to make him happy. He has such a stressful job, and by my virtue of my living here for free and I don't pay for anything, and he spoils me with gifts, it's an unspoken thing that all he's asking for in return is that I entertain him. That I entertain him sexually.

 

In exchange for everything that he does for me, all I need to do is to entertain him sexually. In exchange for him supporting me financially, I have to support him sexually. And I feel guilty as hell when I don't want to do it. He bought me all this stuff, and that's the least I can do. He buys me all these things. If I want to go out to any restaurant he pays for it.

 

Bold part added by concern-friend.

Edited May 22, 2013 by concerned-friend

[CarrieT]

- Many of the things he doesn't necessarily know I don't want to do.

Then she should be able to TELL him.

 

I'll say yes, although it will be a reluctant thing. The pussy pump is one of the things where I told him I didn't like, but he just didn't care what I thought.

WHY is she saying yes??? This is critical - why assent to something that you don't want to do wholeheartedly???

 

- I grudgingly say ok to many things. However, I've told him enough times that that I'm not a submissive that he knows when I go along that I'm just making him happy. I'm just going through motions and it's just an act.

Then she should get out of the relationship IMMEDIATELY. Only someone who truly understands the lifestyle -- and enjoys it -- should be doing these sorts of things. Just "going through motions" is not serving anybody.

 

J

- With regards to the caning, my boyfriend was taking pictures of his friend flogging a girl. Then his friend asked me if I wanted to join in. So I probably said ok, kneeled down, and was caned. So I feel that wasn't forced.

Then WHY did Jane say "okay?" Why is she allowing things to be done to her that she clearly does not enjoy? What is the purpose of pleasing someone if it is not mutual?

 

J

-I'm not perfect by any means. One time I was caught cheating by sending sexually charged texts with another guy. He yelled at me a little while, and when I was crying, he slapped me. Later on, he said I deserved to be slapped, and I agreed with.

Oh. My. God. This is classic abuse. To be slapped and then be talked into the idea that one DESERVES the abuse??? No, no, no, no, no.....

 

J

- With a lot of these things, I feel that because he knows I'm not a submissive or slave and not a huge fan of these things, he should know I don't like them.

No, he does not really know that Jane is not a submissive if he is subjecting her to these things against her will. This is a VERY sick and unhealthy relationship. The man is abusing this woman if he truly knows that she is not a true sub. A man that really knows and enjoys BDSM would only want a woman who is a true sub that can emotionally and intellectually be involved in the relationship. By doing these things to Jane and know that she is not 100% on board is ABUSE.

[Almond_Joy]

concerned-friend:

 

 

 

I'm not concerned about anyone's opinions in the least, it's her. Getting her to speak to her family is not easy because she doesn't *want* to tell them. She is scared to death that they will disown her because she has "screwed up once again" with the perfect boyfriend, and that everything is her fault.

 

At the same time she feels her situation is actually pretty reasonable in most ways. Her boyfriend has just one or two character flaws, but everyone has some flaws, right? She has said many times the easiest thing to do to prevent hurting her family or her boyfriend (because they love him so much and he's such a good guy) is to just do nothing and keep things going as they are.

 

I don't think she's in physical danger at this point in their relationship, but I can see where it's going. For now, she's in a suburb of a major metropolitan area, can walk to her family, drives the car at night to stores or when he's traveling, and is not too physically isolated. However, she's very isolated psychologically and socially.

 

 

Generally I would think it great that you are supporting her without making decisions for her, because at some point she does have to learn to stand up for herself.

 

The reason I see this as an exception is because this situation sounds a hair's breath away from an abusive relationship that extends outside of the bedroom.

 

If he treats her like that when she does as he says, what the hell will he do when she makes him angry? His cruelty and need for control is severe and he has already convinced himself that she is an object instead of a person. Time and comfort will make it all to easy for his control to manifest as regular physical abuse.

 

You're saying your hands are tied because this situation is delicate and there's a lot to consider, but this situation needs action ASAP, like yesterday ASAP. Jane doesn't sound able to do what's needed to improve things right now emotionally. ....How is waiting going to improve her state of mind or her options? It's not like staying with him longer will make her family more amenable to believing her (which, btw, may not even be a legitimate fear - her family may believe her and help but she'll never know if she doesn't speak up). If anything the longer she waits the more likely her family is to be disbelieving because who would put up with being treated this way for so long?

 

This situation is and sounds scary for Jane In a lot of ways. I understand why she's afraid. If she is not ready to do this herself, as her friend, do it for her. Get her out of there. Call some local women's shelters to see if they will give her room and board, put her in a hotel for a few days, ask a friend of yours to provide room and board. Hell post a craigslist add and let her spend some nights on a couple folks couches until she can get lodging of her own. Whatever it takes to get out. The next time he's gone help her pack up her stuff and disappear. The day Jane realizes on her own that she's had enough may be the day he beats her. Do you want to wait for that day to come before this situation is changed? You sound like you really care a lot for your friend so I think not. I don't think Jane would want it to happen either.

 

 

This is a special circumstance where I'd recommend helping someone who can't help themselves, before it's too late.