Rushing Head-long into The 20s She Never Got

[murphomatic]

Been married now for about 18 months. Love my wife very much, but having some issues lately.

 

A little over a year ago, my wife lost her job. She had some medical problems that took her away from her job for a couple months, and when she returned - they had "eliminated her position." I changed my job from one that paid a mediocre amount to one that paid over 3x what I was making previously. Before her work laid her off, she made about as much as I made in my prior job, so now - even with only myself working, we were still netting much more money than we ever had when the both of us worked.

 

My wife grew up with a terribly abusive father, had kids when she was 19, and married a man prior to me that kept her very guarded and confined. She didn't go out or have friends, and since she had kids - she never really got to experience her 20s in the same manner I did. In my 20s, I was single, making good money, no kids, and hung with my friends and partied all the time.

 

With our most recent change in careers, I suggested that she be a stay-at-home mom if she wanted. The kids are growing up and will be out of the house before we know it (our son is 14 and daughter is 10). So I thought it would be great if she could spend more time with them. My wife is also a marathon runner, so she's always trying to find time to train. If she stayed home - she could run all day while the kids were in school. Also, being married to me - I don't have any weird disfunction about her having friends (I encourage her to) - so she has gathered many over the last couple years of being with me.

 

Things have gotten somewhat bad, however. I thought that with her having more free time to do the things she wants, I had hoped one of those things would be spending time with me. Our marriage is not like a newly-wed couple. We're more like a couple who's been married for 20 years and are somewhat numb. She wants to do her thing (running, kid-stuff, projects), and encourages me to do my own things too (running, motorcycles, skiing) - but it seems we rarely do stuff together, and that makes me sad and lonely. She thinks it's marvelous - she's done the whole "married" thing before, and has never done the whole "independent and having fun" thing. She didn't like the "married" thing with her previous husband (but did it for years), and REALLY enjoys the "friends and fun" thing that she's discovered now. I've done the "friends and fun" thing - and it's great, and I still hang out with my buds on occasion, but not with the same voracity as she has.

 

I have tried to tell her that I want to spend more time with her, but it's not that simple - that I want her to WANT to spend time with me. As her husband and someone she loves, I would hope that she would occasionally like to do a date-night with me, or get a weekend away together. Her idea of spending time with me usually involves me, her and a bunch of her friends in a more social-scene, but what I'm looking for is a bit more solitary. Her idea of frequent is "once every few months" and mine more like "date night every Thursday night."

 

I wouldn't feel so lonesome in our marriage if our schedules were less harried .. she seems to work tirelessly to fill the calendar with events and plans, and has no patience for, or willingness to accept, down-time. Our kids are enrolled in a multitude of activities (our daughter dances 18 hours a week, our son frequently will do things like swimming, baseball and track [ALL AT ONCE]), so we often don't even have supper during the week until 9pm, kids aren't in bed until 10-10:30 .. and when they do finally hit the sack, my wife lays with our daughter. Often times, she falls asleep in there with her and doesn't return to our bedroom until the wee hours of the morning, and sometimes not at all. I've raised a stink about that - how I need some time with her at the end of the day to at least have a simple, adult conversation with her about typical things parents talk about ... kids, school, plans for the upcoming weekend, blah blah blah, but she only sees it as me denying her the right to be with her daughter. I fear there are all sorts of psychological implications with her continuing to sleep with our daughter, but I'm fearful to bring this up.

 

The last two days, we've been fighting over this. She observed that she is getting a taste of how life could've been in her 20s; the life that I had already lived. And how me, having never been married or had kids before, was now getting a taste of married, settled life. We're on opposite ends of the spectrum from each other, and while I encourage her to hang with her friends and train for her marathons, she doesn't seem to do a lot to give me indication that our marriage is stable - or that she even wants me around.

 

The other thing that has been grating on me, and is a theme in our fighting lately is her running. When she first became a stay-at-home mom, she was training for a specific marathon and a specific time goal. That shifted to several marathons, ultra-marathons, and continues to shift. Now we're talking multiple out-of-state marathons that involve airline tickets, lodging, meals and, of course, registration fees for the races. While it seems to me that she's going a little hog-wild, I have never told her "no" when she's asked me if she could register for a race. Besides, I'm pretty sure that the act of "asking" on her part is really just a formality...if I DID actually say "no" - she'd be livid. Recently, she asked me if she could register for a 5-marathons-in-5-days-in-5-states (her new goal now is to run a marathon in all 50 states). I expressed that I was getting a little worried on how much money we were spending on marathoning, and this 5-day excursion would be somewhere around $2000 to bankroll. As I suspected, she got angry and sad that I had reservations. I didn't outright tell her "no," so she kept bringing the issue up and moping about it over the course of several weeks. I finally caved and said that I was okay with her doing it if it would make her happy. Over the last couple days of fighting, I expressed to her that I feel she's very ungrateful toward me about how much she runs - and from September 2012 to September 2013, she will have visited 12 different states including Hawaii..and since I'm the breadwinner, I'm entitled to some right to bring her back to reality when I think she's starting to become unreasonable.

 

Her response is that I hold spite for her over her goals and aspirations, and that I'm ruining who she is as a person. My response is that had she never lost her job, she wouldn't have had the time to do 90% of this stuff, so she should be thankful for what she's gotten, and be more understanding when I have concerns over cash-flow. As a caveat, I don't do the bills - I just hand over my paycheck and she does them - so she has the real eye on the cash flow. However, I have watched our credit card balances do nothing but go up over the last 8 months, and our debt only seems to be increasing.

 

I'm flustered and confused, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't communicate to her that I want us to spend time together because we mutually desire it, and I can't communicate to her that I have no problem with her accomplishing her goals, but I would love it if she would stretch it out over a few years instead of trying to tackle them all in the next 5 months.

 

Any insight would be awesome.

[karnak]

Sorry if my "advice" seems to simplistic or stupid.

Some people here will be able to give you a better and more complete opinion on things.

 

But I suggest you take some serious measures.

Otherwise, the whole thing will suddenly develop into a divorce or an affair.

[Phoebe]

If she didn't like the whole "married" thing, and wanted independence and to act like she's a single, careful 20-something year old then she shouldn't have gotten married. You are not responsible for her not partying in her 20s, she chose to get married at a young age, she chose to have children and then she chose to marry you less than two years ago. I also fail to understand how she can claim to be enjoying an independent life when she's 100% financially dependent on you.

 

She sounds selfish, immature and ungrateful - much as I hate to say it your post makes me wonder if she tied down a meal ticket rather than marry the man she loves. I also wonder if her first marriage was really so terrible, considering that she has the balls to tell you that you're being spiteful and ruining her as a person just because you want her to cut back on marathons as it's driving you into debt. I can find nothing in your post about the changes you want in your marriage that are unreasonable and that shouldn't be found in a healthy marriage. You seem to be doing all the hard work in the marriage while she sits back and takes whatever she wants.

 

I would suggest that you stop giving her your entire paycheck, make a budget, stick to it, pay the bills yourself and get out of debt. IF you are determined to keep financially supporting her then give her an allowance, if she can't save enough out of that to go to marathons and complains then tell her to go get a job. You could give marriage counseling a try. To be honest though I have a bad feeling about her.

[murphomatic]

Thanks Phoebe. I appreciate the validation as I don't THINK I'm being unreasonable, but it's hard to know sometimes when you are so close to the problem.

 

Seems like the things I say, she brushes aside. However, third-party perspective seems to catch her thoughtful ear. Marriage counseling is most likely in our future; I've already suggested it.

 

I don't think she is in it for the meal ticket. In the beginning we both worked, neither was on "permanent vacation." She did state the other night that now that she's had a taste of this life, that she can't "untaste it" and that it was unreasonable for me to ask that she base her level of satisfaction in life off what was previously "normal." I really thought that was a terrifying thing to hear...not only is she ungrateful about the life I provide for our family, but that her appetite for more is insatiable.

 

She also said that if I left, she would be completely fncked until she found a job, and that she never wanted to put herself into such a risky situation..which broke my heart a little. I'm not looking to leave, and if it came to that, I would withdraw gently and reasonably...but what broke my heart was the statement seemed to be constructed to guilt me.

 

Anyway...I just wish she would wake/grow up and return to being the practical and sensible woman I fell in love with.

[Whatitistoburn]

Hi there. I am sorry about this This is so similar to what my friend is going through. They were together for 4 years when she got pregnant and so they married. They were in their 30s when they got married. His wife had to leave work to look after their child. My husband helped her husband move to a high paying job so that he can support his new family. But that was when things changed. He started doing marathons and made tons of friends whom he run with all the time. After work, he goes straight to the gym to train. He gets home late and even runs on weekends leaving not much time to spend with the family. Worse, he is the one in control of finances and only gives an allowance to the wife. The wife once told me how she gets very little and he seems to not understand that looking after a baby is expensive. Now, by what he was telling me and husband, he seemed to feel trapped in his marriage and even said that he was not ready to get married and seemed forced because of the baby. He was trying to escape the family life that he is now realizing that he never wanted in the first place by going on marathons. He doesnt have a mistress but he confided to us once that he paid someone to give him a BJ while he was travelling abroad.

 

I am telling you this to warn you.

 

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME SHE TOLD YOU SHE LOVES YOU?

 

Based on what youve shared, she's distant and would rather spend time with other people than you. This may not be a case of 'she just realized it wasnt love after all' or that 'she loves freedom and independence more than you' but clearly she is very confused about what she wants right now. Mid life crisis? You have given her all the support and maybe even more but she has been ungrateful and uncaring about how things would make you feel. Obviously, she is not acting like a wife whos in love with her husband so like what the previous posters have said have a serious talk with her explain your side, take control of finances and debts and see a counselor. Help her wake up from this craziness by making her see exactly what it is she is doing. Make it clear that she is not only hurting you, she is hurting the whole family and dragging you all down. She is ok to spend thousands for her marathons but didnt think about your kids going to college and your debts. Tell her everything you told us. If still nothing, tell her to get a job. You have two teenagers, you dont need a third one. You love your wife and if she really loves you, then, she should not treat you like this. Talk to her and tell her she has to get her act together and figure out what she really wants and what is really important to her - her family or the 20s that she didnt get to live. Your next step will be based on her answer.

Edited May 26, 2013 by Whatitistoburn

[Phoebe]

Thanks Phoebe. I appreciate the validation as I don't THINK I'm being unreasonable, but it's hard to know sometimes when you are so close to the problem.

 

Seems like the things I say, she brushes aside. However, third-party perspective seems to catch her thoughtful ear. Marriage counseling is most likely in our future; I've already suggested it.

 

I don't think she is in it for the meal ticket. In the beginning we both worked, neither was on "permanent vacation." She did state the other night that now that she's had a taste of this life, that she can't "untaste it" and that it was unreasonable for me to ask that she base her level of satisfaction in life off what was previously "normal." I really thought that was a terrifying thing to hear...not only is she ungrateful about the life I provide for our family, but that her appetite for more is insatiable.

 

She also said that if I left, she would be completely fncked until she found a job, and that she never wanted to put herself into such a risky situation..which broke my heart a little. I'm not looking to leave, and if it came to that, I would withdraw gently and reasonably...but what broke my heart was the statement seemed to be constructed to guilt me.

 

Anyway...I just wish she would wake/grow up and return to being the practical and sensible woman I fell in love with.

 

This is going to sound harsh but there is not a single thing that I have found in your postings that indicates that your wife loves you. I normally try and see the other person's side of the story in a post, but unless you are a complete monster to her and not telling us then I don't see why she's avoiding you except that she doesn't want to be with you. I would guess that she wanted the security that you offered her when you first married, and now that she's essentially a lady of leisure she doesn't want to give up her luxuries. All I see is take, take, take on her part.

 

I went back and read through some of your earlier threads. You rushed into this marriage, engaged after 5 months of dating and married 7 months after that. You didn't allow enough time for the honeymoon period to wear off. I think it speaks highly of your character that even on an anonymous internet forum you call them 'our' kids, but the truth is that they are not biologically yours. You offered security and a father figure for her children and she took that. After she was laid off from work (are you 100% sure that's what really happened and that she didn't just quit? did you see any redundancy or unemployment money?) within six months of your marriage you offered her the option of being a stay at home mom. That was amazingly generous of you.

 

I suspect that the reason you felt she was so practical and sensible in the beginning was because you had just gotten out of an on-again, off-again relationship with an alcoholic, drug user. A lot of not particularly nice people would seem normal after that. I hope that I'm wrong but you should plan for the worst, take control back of your finances and get therapy for yourself. How did she respond to your suggestion of marriage counseling?

[Eddie Edirol]

Im going to direct my post towards your wifes actions rather than the financial aspects of this relationship. Now I dont know if she nailed you down for a meal ticket for her and her kids. But she seems to be coming up with all kinds of reasons to stay away from you. I dont think she wants to go all over the nation to run, or sleep with her daughter, I think its more running away from you nagging her about your marriage. Especially since she could be planning to tear herself away from it. Or following some guy around that she might want to take up with.

 

Are you as fit as she is? She might be looking for that.

 

Once someone sees unfixable faults in the relationship, there is no convincing them that it can be fixed while the desperate party makes themselves readily available. Nobody treasures what they can have too easily. So since youve talked to her ad nauseum and have gotten nowhere with her, it means she doesnt want to work it out. At least not with this method.

 

What I think you should do is start to let her see that you are letting go, and start to become more successful than her in being social and desireable with other women. Thats the basics of how people are attracted to each other in the first place, and I think thats the only way you can get her attention again. You dont have to actually start dating anyone, just let her think that you have choices. Nagging about a relationship that one party wants to let slip isnt attractive. Who knows, you might actually run into someone that will be better for you than her.

 

In the meantime, stop funding her vacations from you, start funding your own. Do a complete 180, and do your own thing with your money.

[murphomatic]

This is going to sound harsh but there is not a single thing that I have found in your postings that indicates that your wife loves you. I normally try and see the other person's side of the story in a post, but unless you are a complete monster to her and not telling us then I don't see why she's avoiding you except that she doesn't want to be with you. I would guess that she wanted the security that you offered her when you first married, and now that she's essentially a lady of leisure she doesn't want to give up her luxuries. All I see is take, take, take on her part.

I'm definitely not a monster to her or the kids. I have my emotional hang-ups, but those basically are all in the realm of just being sad that I have a wife who has little-to-no desire to act like my wife. Sure, she tells me that she loves me and whatnot, but to borrow a passage from her phrasebook that she often uses with the kids and me when the word "sorry" is used ... "I love you" are just words. Without any actions or non-verbal indicators, they're vapid and somewhat worthless.

 

I went back and read through some of your earlier threads. You rushed into this marriage, engaged after 5 months of dating and married 7 months after that. You didn't allow enough time for the honeymoon period to wear off. I think it speaks highly of your character that even on an anonymous internet forum you call them 'our' kids, but the truth is that they are not biologically yours. You offered security and a father figure for her children and she took that. After she was laid off from work (are you 100% sure that's what really happened and that she didn't just quit? did you see any redundancy or unemployment money?) within six months of your marriage you offered her the option of being a stay at home mom. That was amazingly generous of you.

That is true. We did marry quickly. When I met her and we were first dating, she was very organized and responsible, gainfully employed and we shared a love for running and often ran together. It was wonderful. She doesn't run with me any longer, she's very possessive about her running and feels that my attitude is too negative (long story here, but suffices to say that my attitude isn't really negative at all .. she often sees it that way though. Even if I'm having a stellar run, if she's not and I am glowing about the run - well then I'm "just being a d!ck about it" ... so - it's construed as "negative"). Anyway - as much as I would love to run with her and bond with her in that particular activity, we don't run together anymore. She run with a group of friends, who are all girls except for one guy. I don't think I'm being overly jealous, and this guy is married with kids, but he seems to have the hots for my wife. He buys her gifts and has said things before that could easily be interpreted as him hitting on her. At one point I pointed this out - that this guy was into her, that what did she think all the gifts and little comments were about. She appeared to have somewhat of an epiphany, and doesn't accept his gifts any longer or hang out with him. However, when pictures of group runs (inevitably) make their way to Facebook, I often see them running side-by-side.

 

This has made me a bit jealous and a little bitter about running in general, and I have run a lot less as a result. The post prior to mine asks if I'm in the same physical shape she is in - and the answer is "not any longer." I was in amazing shape 2010-2012, but over the course of this last year, I've slipped quite a bit. I'm not in bad shape, but I've definitely gained weight that I would prefer to not have on me. Ironically enough, when it comes to dieting and exercise, she seems to be my worst saboteur. When I'm being careful about what I eat, she cooks stuff that is enticing and chides me about my small portions. When I run or exercise, she's often critical that I'm "doing too much" or "running too far" or "too fast" or ... [insert whatever extreme thing I'm apparently doing here].

I suspect that the reason you felt she was so practical and sensible in the beginning was because you had just gotten out of an on-again, off-again relationship with an alcoholic, drug user. A lot of not particularly nice people would seem normal after that. I hope that I'm wrong but you should plan for the worst, take control back of your finances and get therapy for yourself. How did she respond to your suggestion of marriage counseling?

So I had a pretty serious talk with her. I was tactful, but basically told her that she was acting like a child - not a grown mother of two children, and certainly not a loving wife. She recognized this, and apologized. She still doesn't see the importance of the two of us doing things together and I still feel emotionally abandoned in our relationship. I believe that she has some preconceived notion of what marriage to me should be like based on what her marriage to her previous husband was like (which was awful). I feel a bit cheated because I'm not a bad guy at all, but she seems to operate under the assumption that I will turn into Ex #1 at the next corner. I told her that if she wanted this to work, we needed to see a counselor. I believe I will let her make the arrangements there as I'm curious to see exactly how important that is to her. If she doesn't make the arrangements for counselling, I'm still debating in my head whether or not I will take the reigns and make it happen.

 

As it stands now, I've already begun to emotionally withdraw from our relationship. Actually, I think the withdrawal has been happening for some time, but I'm now consciously recognizing it - and it's just starting to feel numb.

 

Blah.... thanks for listening everyone. I really appreciate all the various perspectives and insights.

Edited June 2, 2013 by murphomatic

[dichotomy]

"She run with a group of friends, who are all girls except for one guy. I don't think I'm being overly jealous, and this guy is married with kids, but he seems to have the hots for my wife. He buys her gifts and has said things before that could easily be interpreted as him hitting on her. At one point I pointed this out - that this guy was into her, that what did she think all the gifts and little comments were about. She appeared to have somewhat of an epiphany, and doesn't accept his gifts any longer or hang out with him. However, when pictures of group runs (inevitably) make their way to Facebook, I often see them running"

Dichotomy Life lesson and Rant #1, she is withdrawing from you, and found possible evidence of an OM, and you tipped her off and suddenly things look clear. You need to do some digging(spying).

Otherwise I don't have much to add to what others have said, it can be as simple as you seem to describe it - it may not be about you anymore. Her life has opened up for her and she simply has no interest in being married to you or a life of commitment.If the children are not legally yours you will avoid a lot of the pain of a divorce, and I suggest you strongly consider one. Frankly I don't understand what you are getting from staying married - what are you getting?

[murphomatic]

I am heart-broken..

Frankly I don't understand what you are getting from staying married - what are you getting?

I love the kids. I only ever wanted a family.

[Phoebe]

I am heart-broken..

I love the kids. I only ever wanted a family.

 

And honestly I think some of the attraction of this woman was that she had children (correct me if I'm wrong), a ready made family where all you had to do was slip into the role of dad. Please don't think that I'm mocking you because there was a time in my life where I felt this way.

 

It's ok to want a family, that doesn't mean that you have to be miserable with a woman who has no/little interest in you. Her fear that you may turn into ex#1 is her problem that she needs to work on, it's not fair to take it out on you. My biggest fear for you right now is that she will fake a new interest in your marriage just to keep the security, and you'll accept her new behavior at face value because you want to believe in her.

[dichotomy]

I am heart-broken..

I love the kids. I only ever wanted a family.

 

Admirable, and I am (was) the same way - I get you.

 

I understand these are not your biokids? Is their biodad in the picture.

 

What would be the barrier in having your own, or getting some with another woman?

[murphomatic]

Phoebe - correct, part of the attraction is the fact that she has kids ... and that I could become a stable and loving dad for them, which I've done. I do have that same fear - that she will simply placate me ... and you're right - I'll believe it because I want to believe it.

 

Dichotomy - that is correct, they are not my biological kids. My son is 14, and his bio-dad is not in the picture at all ... but wife and ex #1 were married from the time my son was an infant, so my son refers to ex #1 as "dad," and calls me by my given name. My daughter is 10, ex #1 IS her bio-dad (but she refers to both of us as "daddy"). Ex #1 is somewhat in the picture. He's not terribly stable or reliable (much to the disappointment of the children, who often openly lament things like "I knew I shouldn't have trusted him when he said he'd be at my game", etc), and the kids live with us 99.9% of the time.

 

The barrier to having children is mostly psychological I guess. I'm right about 40, so I feel like I'm a little old to have new babies...not that I would be opposed to it. I always envisioned having kids in my mid-to-late 20s, but never really found a suitable mate in that time-frame, so I kind of gave up the notion that I would ever have biological kids of my own. My wife is not able to have any more children after some complications with cancer that resulted in a hysterectomy shortly after we were married.

[Phoebe]

Phoebe - correct, part of the attraction is the fact that she has kids ... and that I could become a stable and loving dad for them, which I've done. I do have that same fear - that she will simply placate me ... and you're right - I'll believe it because I want to believe it.

 

Dichotomy - that is correct, they are not my biological kids. My son is 14, and his bio-dad is not in the picture at all ... but wife and ex #1 were married from the time my son was an infant, so my son refers to ex #1 as "dad," and calls me by my given name. My daughter is 10, ex #1 IS her bio-dad (but she refers to both of us as "daddy"). Ex #1 is somewhat in the picture. He's not terribly stable or reliable (much to the disappointment of the children, who often openly lament things like "I knew I shouldn't have trusted him when he said he'd be at my game", etc), and the kids live with us 99.9% of the time.

 

The barrier to having children is mostly psychological I guess. I'm right about 40, so I feel like I'm a little old to have new babies...not that I would be opposed to it. I always envisioned having kids in my mid-to-late 20s, but never really found a suitable mate in that time-frame, so I kind of gave up the notion that I would ever have biological kids of my own. My wife is not able to have any more children after some complications with cancer that resulted in a hysterectomy shortly after we were married.

 

Please don't stay with this woman just because of her kids. Don't hold on tightly to this marriage because you feel that this is your only chance of having a family. Some women have children in their 40s, you definitely shouldn't be giving up the notion of having your own children just because you're getting close to 40.

 

I also thought that I would have children in my mid to late 20s, like you it just didn't happen though. My biological clock was ticking loudly at 29, it quieted down after I hit 30 and I realized that my life didn't magically change just because I had another birthday. Life often doesn't turn out the way we planned, we have to adjust, but that doesn't mean we can't be happy.

[KungFuJoe]

Op,

 

How's your sex life? I imagine it is non existant as well?

 

Hysterectomies can have serious side effects in libido and this could be a major factor in why she isn't close to you. Sex is a big deal when it comes to love and affection.

 

I would suggest her seeing a doctor to possible talk about hormone replacement therapy. There have been some pretty good advances lately.

[murphomatic]

Op,

 

How's your sex life? I imagine it is non existant as well?

 

Hysterectomies can have serious side effects in libido and this could be a major factor in why she isn't close to you. Sex is a big deal when it comes to love and affection.

 

I would suggest her seeing a doctor to possible talk about hormone replacement therapy. There have been some pretty good advances lately.

Sex life isn't nonexistent, but tepid by my definition.. maybe 2x per month. She had the hysterectomy, but still has her ovaries, so she shouldn't need HRT, but I definitely am not a doctor. Most of the time, I feel hurt and shunned by her, so I rarely initiate. When she does, it seems as though it's more obligatory than anything else.

 

She's been on the other side of the country since Thursday to run a Saturday marathon. Not a single text msg has indicated she loves or misses me. Got one phone call that lasted literally 30 seconds where she said she was calling to say "hi" but the show she was going to see was starting, so she had to go. I have no idea where she's staying or her flight itinerary as she has communicated none of this to me.

 

Maybe I'm totally wrong, but don't most married couples communicate these kinds of details with each other?

[dichotomy]

What i am going to say will sound selfish or a bit cruel.

 

So you have 10 and 14 year old. Once they get into the teen years, particularly high school they are likely going to be come very independent, less interested in parents, spending all their free time out of the home with friends or GF/BF's. So with the 10 year old, you maybe got 5-6 years.

 

You enjoy being a dad to them, I don't know how close you are to them and they to you. I assume these is some boding on both sides, even though that have men that they consider dad.

 

I think your wife is done being a wife to you. Being a way and not saying she misses you, sex twice a month, focus on her life outside of you and home. Everyone deserves a real partner, and you don't have one. She is using you.

 

I see two main options

 

1) Leave now. Try to see if you can find a slightly younger woman and start a family.

 

2) If being a dad(step) is a big life goal for you, - then enjoy it for the next few years more, while you focusing on the life goal of being a dad also try as best you can to fix the marriage (try couple counseling), and if it the marriage remains bad then in 4-8 years - divorce her, having enjoyed a time of being a dad.

[murphomatic]

Being a dad is definitely something I always wanted. If I left, I'm worried how it would affect the kids. I love them, and they me...and if they weren't around, I probably would have left some time ago.

 

Pretty sad and brokenhearted right now. It's 5am where I'm at, and I've reached out to my wife via text (8am where she is), and no response from her.

 

I guess that about sums it up.. :(

[troubadour]

Being a dad is definitely something I always wanted. If I left, I'm worried how it would affect the kids. I love them, and they me...and if they weren't around, I probably would have left some time ago.

 

Pretty sad and brokenhearted right now. It's 5am where I'm at, and I've reached out to my wife via text (8am where she is), and no response from her.

 

I guess that about sums it up.. :(

 

 

I am sorry but it appears that it is a divorce time for you. Even if there isn't anyone else in the picture she doesn't seem to be interested in you romantically anymore.... she needs you for money only. The sooner you talk to a divorce attorney the better for you.

[standtall]

Third party detector is going off here.

[murphomatic]

If there is, I will find out soon.

[murphomatic]

Another weird thing that has been irking me lately. In most communication with me, verbal or written, she has been using my given name instead of the typical sweetheart-type nicknames. This is odd and different from how things have been since the beginning of our relationship, and honestly - it puts a spin on whatever she's saying that makes it come off as though she's irritated with me.

 

For example, I just asked her what time her plane arrives home tomorrow (note: I didn't ask for specific itinerary, airline, flight #, etc. or anything that could be construed as "smothering" or "controlling"), and she didn't respond for a long while. After an hour - I asked "Are you getting my texts?" and her reply is "Service here is spotty at best, [My Name]." This style of communication has become common-place over the last month and it's weird to me .. in a previous life, she would've said something like "Sorry honey - service is really bad here..." but now, her communication to me sounds clinical and somewhat irritated.

 

Am I losing my mind?

[dichotomy]

 

Am I losing my mind?

 

No, your posts and description of whats going on seem very clear to me - red flags all around. I hope you are digging (snooping) further to see if she is involved with someone else. Also a suggestion, if you do find some initial evidence of her cheating - don't confront her till you have gotten more. My first marriage, I saw red flags all around, and then found a tiny bit of evidence which I confronted her with, she then made sure to delete or coverup everything else and I never got a straight answer on the details of why and what.

 

But if she is not cheating on you - you still obliviously appear to have a wife which by all means is disengaging from you. Don't appear weak to her, or desperate ok? You may feel this way, but don't show it to her as it will not help you. Act strong and confident, and even a little disinterested.

Edited June 10, 2013 by dichotomy

[murphomatic]

Definitely plan on gathering some info. I have started that ball rolling already and I feel a bit like a schmuck about it, but I have to know in order to protect myself...I know it sounds cliché, but it is what it is. She has a funny way of distorting reality too, so the better case I build, the more I can mitigate the distortions.

But if she is not cheating on you - you still obliviously appear to have a wife which by all means is disengaging from you. Don't appear weak to her, or desperate ok? You may feel this way, but don't show it to her as it will not help you. Act strong and confident, and even a little disinterested.

This is difficult for certain. I feel weak and alone. I invest my time in my kids, and they're like a shining beacon in all of this, but I have the terrible thought in my head that if this all turns out badly, I will lose them. That kills me...I love them SO much. I will do my very best to be strong and confident despite wanting to lose my emotional cookies with every questioning thought. Thanks for your words and insight, my anonymous friend.

[murphomatic]

Wife is home finally. Covered in HSV-1 sores. I will know in the next couple days if she came by them as innocently as she explained. For now, giving her the benefit of the doubt. Wish I could kiss my wife though..

 

Here's to hoping I don't turn out to have been a total fool... ugh...