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Married 2 years now she wants a divorce but we still live together

troubledhusband

By troubledhusband
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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troubledhusband Established Member

troubledhusband

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My wife 30yrs asked me 33yrs for a divorce a week ago after we had an argument in public at a store and she walked away from me. Something similar happen last year too but it did not lasted this long (we made out in a few days) and she never before said that she does not love me anymore and that she wants to be by herself until now.

 

The argument itself arose out of many other things including that she joined a new sport which would require her to come home late at night 10pm or so because that's when the beginners classes are (it's true I checked the gym schedule and I even went to go pick her up a few times to make it easier on her day). I let that she took this decision without talking to me first and that she doesn't respect our plan of paying off our debts and starting to save for a down-payment for a house (this was our plan, buy a house start a family). Worst, that she gave up having dinner together. I explained all this to her and at first she was willing to meet after work in the city to grab a bite. It lasted but a single time.

 

The argument itself took place a week ago on a Saturday, and although she walked away from me mad and started to walk home, I picked her up by car and the same night we went out dancing in a club with friends (made me think it was just that, an argument about not spending too much money although I over reacted and made a scene in public out of my stupid madness). I really though things were okay between us, although not back to normal. I wanted to make love to her but I sensed she was mad so I gave her a break.

 

The next Monday we took the train to work into NYC together and when she got off at her train station she kissed me good bye. Later that same night, she asked me for a divorce when I got home (it shocked me and I did not see it coming). For the first week after that we slept in the same bed and each one of us kept to their sides of the bed (hardest thing I ever did, not be able to hug my wife at night).

 

She did not talk to me for a few days and then when I asked her about it she refused to talk about it. Our conversations were quite basic for those few days, and then a few days later we started talking again and took a bath together. Then I gave her a back massage and hit on her, she stopped me. When I asked her if she still loves me she pause (what it seemed like the longest pause ever) and then said that she doesn't know anymore.

 

After that it was more down-hill. I tried to sleep on the couch and couldn't. I tried not to hug her at night and couldn't. I feel like I kept pressuring her and couldn't stop. It affected both of our sleep schedule. I started exercising more (run, play soccer with friends) just to fill in the void I now feel when she is gone at her practice.

 

Out of desperation and not knowing what to do I called a couples marriage therapist (her idea from last year) and we held our first session ever last Saturday. She finally oppened up during the session and expressed her feelings. Some of which I already knew some of which were news to me. Towards the end of the session she stated that she wants the divorce, she wants to be by herself and that she only came to the therapy because I wanted her to. So we agreed that I would move out and we can have a second therapy session a week later (unfortunately it falls on our 2 year anniversary).

 

We had lunch after that, seemed to be a normal day for us and since I was ready to move out I couldn't stop but to hug and kiss her neck, shoulders but I didn't want to be too emotional. It was my way of saying good bye.

 

When we got home most of my cloths were at the laundromat so I couldn't just pack and go thus we decided to leave it for the next day. Then the next day last Sunday, we talked more about finances and how to go our own separate ways and decided it would benefit both of us if I stay in the living room. She expressed that she is not happy with this decision and that she would do it for me knowing that I couldn't sleep at night and knowing how much I was hurting. I know that she is doing this for me, but I wonder if this is the right thing for us to do? I asked her a few times if it's okay and she keeps saying that it is (which knowing women...)

 

I don't want to stay if she's hurting, and I don't want to go because I feel that it would be over between us. That I am giving up on our relationship.

 

We still talk and we are nice to each other. That same Sunday after we shop for groceries I left the house to give her space and hung out with some friends. I txt her from my friends and asked her if she ate, and she said that she did and I asked her if there is any food left for me and she said that she kept some for me as well (left overs from our lunch together after the therapy session). While I was gone she cleaned the house and moved most of my cloths to the living room.

 

We're still living together, last night was my first night on the couch (she has the bedroom) as we came to an agreement to share the rental apartment we have until she saves enough money to rent her own place. She is also on a conditional green card based on her marriage with me so I feel like that's the only reason keeping her around for 2 more months until we apply for her full status green card. I know she loved me and that our relationship was not solely based on her intention to get her immigration status faster.

 

I also know that I am partially to be blamed for emotionally pushing her away as at times I've been mad at her and as such I was condescending and putting her down unknowingly. She would tell me out of anger but I would filter it out. She tolled me that this is what drove her to leave home at a young age (16 or so) because of her father would treat her similar to how I treat her at times. Such as when she picked up the new sport and I was mad that her schedule does not fit well, and that when I went to go pick her up the class was full. I felt that she should change gyms closer to home where the schedule is better, classes are cheaper and smaller where the instructor can spend more time with her. However she kept insisting on her current gym as the coaches are better and have a bigger reputation.

 

I spoke to our therapist this morning on the phone and he wants to see me for a quick session tomorrow. He thinks that it was a good idea for me to leave home and give her room and to start courting her again.

 

I just don't know what to do... I don't want to pressure her and i don't want to give up on our marriage. and leaving seems like that's what I am doing. Yet that might be the right thing to do, or is it?

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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Lots of stuff to unravel and go through here but for starters do NOT leave the home and do not sleep on the couch.

 

She is the one that wants to end the marriage so she needs to be the one that packs her bags and leave.

 

You need to claim your home and bed. She can share those things with you as long as she is putting in sincere effort to address the issues and work on the marriage.

 

If she is not working on marriage and wants marriage to end, then she needs to be the one paying the price. She's the one that needs to be looking for a place to stay and sleeping on couches etc.

 

You are being way too weak and accommodating here. You are making divorce and separation easy and painless for her.

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troubledhusband Established Member

troubledhusband

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Thank you for your reply oldshirt,

 

This goes against what our marriage couple therapist is recommending which is to give her the space she needs.

 

Beside, I can't punish her for what she's feeling. She already jumped on searching for different apartments and I figured it would be best to colaborate with her rather than take "revenge" on her. I'm trying to have this process go as smooth and as painless for both of us.

 

This is the real dilemma, and I feel that if we are to stay together (I keep living on the couch) without the intimacy we're just friends and that doesn't help the situation either. I would guess I could leave until she's ready to move out would be a better solution. Then I can move back in and both of us will be by themselves starting coping with the situation.

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Turtles Established Member

Turtles

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We're still living together, last night was my first night on the couch (she has the bedroom) as we came to an agreement to share the rental apartment we have until she saves enough money to rent her own place. She is also on a conditional green card based on her marriage with me so I feel like that's the only reason keeping her around for 2 more months until we apply for her full status green card. I know she loved me and that our relationship was not solely based on her intention to get her immigration status faster.

 

I am in total agreement with oldshirt, in addition I'd think carefully on whether you want to lie to the INS about the status of your marriage for a woman who "doesn't know" whether she loves you.

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oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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Thank you for your reply oldshirt,

 

This goes against what our marriage couple therapist is recommending which is to give her the space she needs.

 

Beside, I can't punish her for what she's feeling. She already jumped on searching for different apartments and I figured it would be best to colaborate with her rather than take "revenge" on her. I'm trying to have this process go as smooth and as painless for both of us.

 

This is the real dilemma, and I feel that if we are to stay together (I keep living on the couch) without the intimacy we're just friends and that doesn't help the situation either. I would guess I could leave until she's ready to move out would be a better solution. Then I can move back in and both of us will be by themselves starting coping with the situation.

 

 

Dude WTF? This has nothing to do with punishment!! She is the one that doesn't want to be married any more so why should you be the one packing bags and hauling crap to a new place????

 

She wants out, she does the work.

 

Your job is to lawyer up, circle your wagons and protect your property and your assets.

 

There are even some courts that see the person who moves out of the marital home as the one abandoning the marriage and awards the other party accordingly.

 

She wants out, she does the work of moving out and sleeping couches etc. It's that simple.

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TheBadOne Member

TheBadOne

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Her intentions seem fishy. She couldn't even wait the 2 years required for permanent status. Sorry to inform you but it looks like she is playing you and CIS. Try this, tell her you plan on informing CIS about your impeding divorce prior to the required 2 year marriage and watch her tune change. That is until the day after your anniversary. Either way sorry to hear about your situation.

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oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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Her intentions seem fishy. She couldn't even wait the 2 years required for permanent status. Sorry to inform you but it looks like she is playing you and CIS. Try this, tell her you plan on informing CIS about your impeding divorce prior to the required 2 year marriage and watch her tune change. That is until the day after your anniversary. Either way sorry to hear about your situation.

 

No divorce her ASAP and then report her to the authorities

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anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

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As Oldshirt said, she is the one who should move out not you. Take control of the situation, tell her to leave and see a lawyer ASAP. You also need to consider the implications on you if officials see this marriage as a sham for the green card. I know it was not a sham for you but for her.... I'm not so sure. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

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troubledhusband Established Member

troubledhusband

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I hear what you're all saying, but our marriage was real. So I decided that since she has no support (family) in the states I should make it easy on herself and on myself and just leave the rental apt for the time being.

 

It goes along what my friends suggested and what the therapist suggested. I'm giving her the space she needs and I will look past the INS status. Who would I be if I didn't give our marriage a second chance?

 

If she dosent come around in a few weeks, then I will go as far as helping her get her studio apt and then serve her with the divorce. That's when I will need a lawyer, since at the very least I can say that I tried.

 

For now, tonight I am sleeping at my friends couch.

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troubledhusband Established Member

troubledhusband

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Okay guys, this is how it went down for us.

 

We're both from the same country and when we got married she rushed a bit since she has no one here in the states. I am here with my parents so I had it easier. Also, when we got married I only had a greencard and I had it for years before then too when we were just dating.

 

I obtain my citizenship in the first year we were married and soon after we applied for her greencard so she can start working and go to grad school. She was working before too holding those low paid jobs. That was 2 years ago.

 

Considering that it's only 2 months she has to wait for her permanent greencard, i don't think she would want a divorce right now. If she was all about the papers, she would have stuck around for 2 more mobths after a 4 years wait. I know I would.

 

Now, i do agree with what you guys are saying and i am being a little way too nice. I will give us some time apart (mostly for me to better get used with the reality of things since this came as a shock) and after a week or so I will ask her to move out if she dosen't by then.

 

Last I looked at her iPad she was searching for a studio. So things might just work out by themself.

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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It goes along what my friends suggested and what the therapist suggested.

And how well versed are these friends and therapist in the legal issues of divorce? What can they tell you about the financial consequences of moving out? I suspect very little.

 

Any lawyer will tell you, DO NOT LEAVE the house. It may have significant detrimental effects on your divorce. If it's not too late (ie. she has already changed the locks) then I would advise you move back in as soon as possible.

 

You should speak to a lawyer SOONER rather than later. Most do a free initial consultation so there is really NO reason not to. Getting legal advice does not mean you're not giving the marriage a chance... it just means you're finding out the potential consequences of your actions. What's wrong with being prepared?

 

Considering that it's only 2 months she has to wait for her permanent greencard, i don't think she would want a divorce right now.

And do you have a divorce? NO. Funny that.

  • Like 2
Zeurich Established Member

Zeurich

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I went through all your story and also the comments to the others. I don't think it is all about papers I have the feeling she might got tired with you. Because I think you have the feeling either attitude that " she must talk to me first before she do something" that shows in your story.

I let that she took this decision without talking to me first and that she doesn't respect our plan of paying off our debts and starting to save for a down-payment for a house
I am not commenting about you from what you wrote that is impossible, but there is a little possibility you were too hard on her. I can tell you, when got tired and come to the last line with a marriage or a relationship, no one cares about further papers or not ,they want them self out from pit. There is one thing clear if she wanted the green card only she wont talk about a divorce at this point. She would ask it after get it to the hand. Some times you guys can work it out but I am not sure how far is it damage. Good luck!
bubbaganoosh Established Member

bubbaganoosh

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Your crazy. You need to put your belongings back in the bedroom and either tell her to leave if she wants the divorce or make her sleep on the couch.

 

She wants her cake and eat it and all your doing is spoon feeding it to her.

 

Stop being the nice guy and if she wants a divorce then tell her that her wish will be granted and point to the door rather than kiss her ass.

 

I think that MC your seeing needs to go back to school.

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oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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Your naivete is going sink you deeper than the Titanic. Divorces can take several months to finalize. She is timing it perfectly.

 

You are being used.

 

See a lawyer now!!!!!

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Zeurich Established Member

Zeurich

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Your crazy. You need to put your belongings back in the bedroom and either tell her to leave if she wants the divorce or make her sleep on the couch.

 

She wants her cake and eat it and all your doing is spoon feeding it to her.

 

Stop being the nice guy and if she wants a divorce then tell her that her wish will be granted and point to the door rather than kiss her ass.

 

I think that MC your seeing needs to go back to school.

 

I am wondering is it possible to ask her to leave if you still have feeling for her and if you love her??? may be that is the case.

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TheBadOne Member

TheBadOne

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Yes like Oldshirt said, divorce takes a while and CIS even longer. The OP wife did in fact time it perfect. No doubt she will get her green card even if he reports her now. There has to be sufficient proof she scammed him all along and because they are from the same country it will be hard to prove. A mail order bride is a different story.

 

OP get your ducks in a row by getting a lawyer and tell her you are advising CIS about your divorce. If she truly loved you she wouldnt worry about her status. But if she freaks out i think you will have your answer.

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troubledhusband Established Member

troubledhusband

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Hey Zeurich,

 

That is pretty much what she expressed herself like over and over. I do too think I was too harsh on her and she is suffering just as much if not more than I am.

 

I just don't know what to do in this situation. Forget about the lawyers and staying or not in the house with her this is about our marriage and if I can save the bit of it I would love to. We've been here before last year I rally am afraid that this time is all too late.

 

I just don't know what to do and is hard to talk to someone that is ignoring you. Last night I snapped and left the place. I just got to txt her today and finally we're gonna have a sit down and talk.

 

Now that the D bomb sunk into my mind I hope the conversation won't be as much emotional and that she will be able to just talk to me and tell me what is it that I can do for her to help her go through this.

 

You guys can call me week or too nice, but I am just trying to make something out of a very bad emotional situation.

bubbaganoosh Established Member

bubbaganoosh

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I am wondering is it possible to ask her to leave if you still have feeling for her and if you love her??? may be that is the case.

 

Maybe your right but I have to ask, what is there to love?

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troubledhusband Established Member

troubledhusband

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So we had the talk and she was all on the defense side.

 

It did not started right, I did not get her txt about picking her up and so she started arguing with me. All negative stuff about how we're going through the same things over and over again. How I am an *******, this and that.

I texted her best friend and asked for a quick phone conversation and that backed fired on me as well. "Stop txt my friends..." This and that (she talks to her best gf every day for a good 30 mins and I wanted to ask and make sure my wife is okay and if something happens to be informed).

 

At this point I feel like she just want me to call it quits. She's looking for the easy way out in a way and I am not giving it to her.

 

I brought up the lawyer and about how if we file he must inform the CIS and she didn't care. I also brought up my believe that she's having an affair since I know she's been texting one of her ex. She laugh about it.

 

I tolled her that since she wants the divorce she should move out and expressed to her that she does not have to rush. In the end we agreed toa 2 weeks breaks at the end of which she will let me know what decision she'll make. On the conditions that she'll txt me each night to let me know how she's doing.

 

I gave her a few hugs and at first she was hesitating to hug back, but then she started to, nothing crazy more like a friendship kinda hug.

 

I'm afraid I might have lost her for good. We'll have to wait and see.

iiiii Established Member

iiiii

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I think you're a good man, trying to save this relationship.

 

I'm concerned that your wife doesn't seem to appreciate the fact that she has screwed up, and that you are bending over backwards to give her another chance.

 

I hope it works out for you, but either way, please make sure you guard your back by engaging a lawyer.

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PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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I tolled her that since she wants the divorce she should move out and expressed to her that she does not have to rush. In the end we agreed toa 2 weeks breaks at the end of which she will let me know what decision she'll make. On the conditions that she'll txt me each night to let me know how she's doing.

So she's moving out for 2 weeks, and you're back in, right?

 

Or she's staying in the house for 2 weeks while you're on a mate's sofa, waiting for her call?

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troubledhusband Established Member

troubledhusband

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The entire time we've talked she kinda had her filter on an looked away from me. Same thing she always does when she does not want to talk about something and she is mad at me. And I think she started to argue about me not picking her up after practice as an easy way out of this talk.

 

I made it clear that my feelings for her did not change and that I do not know what to do but to work something out with her to make her happy and be able to go through this (whatever this is) in a smooth easy way. I think she understands that and she asked for time off (understandable, that's also what the therapist suggested).

 

The agreement was that I will go leave at my friend's place for two weeks and that she will check in with me at night by txt messages to let me know she's doing alright. I tolled her to take her time, think things over and not do anything rush and that I will wait to hear back from her with a decision at the end of those 2 weeks.

 

At first she was against me going over this particular friend of mine and when I offered to go over my parents she kept insisting that is not a good idea as they will be bothering me constantly about what we're going through. She also did not yet tell her mother about this for the same reason.

 

It sucks, I really think that she's been blinded by her anger feelings right now and that she is trying to get out fast. She is running away not only from me, but from our marriage and she is hiding from her true feelings.

 

I refuse to think that anyone is capable to come to such a life changing decision as a divorce over night, unless of course the marriage was not real for her, which is not what I gathered over the last 4 years we've been together.

 

I will lawyer up at the end of this time out if things really do not work out between us and she makes the decision to move out.

bubbaganoosh Established Member

bubbaganoosh

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So far all I'm hearing is "What she wants" and I got to tell you that you damn well better start letting her know what you want for a change.

 

When she told you that she didn't like you going to stay with your friend, then that's when you should have told her if she wasn't happy with it, then she has two options. One. Deal with it or two, she leaves.

 

Your being led around with a ring in your nose and she knows it and is going to continue to do it unless you start standing up for yourself.

 

Tell her if she wants out of the marriage then pack the hell up and leave and your lawyer will be in touch with her and she can get one for herself and be done with it.

 

Chances are she'll see that the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.

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troubledhusband Established Member

troubledhusband

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That's beside the point, I need her to be clear about what she wants hence the 2 weeks time frame for her to reflect on what she wants.

 

I am trying not to influence her in any way and let her arrive at a conscience decision based a little bit more than a stupid argument she walked away from and now wants a divorce.

 

If I start being a "man" and take out that "ring from my nose" things will get worst based on emotions alone. The decisions she has made or is to make should be based on more than being mad on me. Because there might be no going back.

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