How do I leave my husband without hurting him?

[SuperSally]

I know this will come across as terribly selfish, how can it not, but after 12 years of marriage I don’t think I want to be with my husband anymore.

 

He has done nothing wrong, he is a great man. Our sex life is still good, he is still romantic, he still surprises me, he still makes me laugh. I still love him but I’m not sure I am in love with him.

 

The thing is that I think I want to be with another woman. I have had one very short experience when I was much younger (1 month) and its long been a treasured memory. I think I want that again but being selfish I would also like to keep my husband. I know I just can’t have that so I am thinking of leaving. This is not a spontaneous decision, I have felt this way for a long time now but the thought of hurting him makes me sick in the stomach. How can I tell the man I love, the man that has meant so much to me that I think I might be gay but if he waits around I might come back?

 

It seems so incredibly selfish doesn’t it? Realistically I may realize this is not for me and want to come back after a month, 6 months, a year, who knows? I can’t ask him to wait, it’s just not fair.

 

I have had some surprising advice like have an affair with a woman which I could never do, it’s just not me. Or approach him and ask for a limited open relationship, I don’t see how that would work but the person who suggested it is actually living it and swears by it (although she is seeing another guy). I don’t think any of these are for me.

 

My mom tells me I married for better or worse and that I need to control my urges. I truly wish I could but if anything they are getting stronger. We had a new employee at work a few months back and she was a very touchy feely person, every time she touched me gently I got this tingle, I have to admit I was tempted. Nothing did happen but if I had of known she was gay and single I'm not sure what I would have done. I knew then that this wasn’t something I could push to the back of my brain and hope it goes away.

 

I guess the question is along the lines of how do I tell my husband without hurting him? Obviously he will hurt but without hurting him more than I have to. How do I take half the house, half the bank account, etc. I sort of have my head around this because I have had time to think, this will be a shock to him. And because I really do still love him seeing him suffer will not be easy. It will not be easy to not want to comfort him, afterall I am his wife and that is part of my “job”.

 

Any advice, opinion or thought will be truly appreciated.

[Minnie09]

Since this is something you don't know for sure (i.e. am I gay or not?) and you seem to have a good R with your H, I'd just talk to him about it. It's better than just leaving him. That way, he'll understand you better, in case you do decide to leave him, and it will be easier for him to digest the situation.

 

He sounds supportive, and it seems that you have good communication skills, and he does, too. So why not ask him for "advice", or for his opinion, before you drop the bomb on him without a word? Maybe you can work something out that works for both of you? You never know.....

[GorillaTheater]

Tough spot, Sally. There's no option you can take that's not going to hurt somebody, whether it's you, your husband, or others. Any kids?

 

 

How can I tell the man I love, the man that has meant so much to me that I think I might be gay but if he waits around I might come back?

 

It seems so incredibly selfish doesn’t it? Realistically I may realize this is not for me and want to come back after a month, 6 months, a year, who knows? I can’t ask him to wait, it’s just not fair.

 

No, it's not. Your husband is worth more than being anybody's Plan B. If you break things off, it needs to be with the intent of setting your husband free to find a woman who's all in. That's not you, and hasn't been for a while.

 

I'd like to see you two make your marriage work, but it takes two people who are both committed to make it work. You can't fake it, not for long, anyways.

[oldshirt]

It sounds like you have a perfectly functional and stable relationship with him and you both have compassion and respect for each so why not approach him about some form of consensual nonmonogamy ie open marriage or swinging etc?

 

Bring it up in a compassionate and mutually beneficial manner and discuss it. It would be far more respectful and inclusive to discuss your urges and feelings with him and discuss possible options with him rather than just dumping his ass cold or cheating on him because you want to feel the touch of another woman.

 

I'll be blunt and honest here, many men would be fine and some will even love having their wife be with another woman. Allow him to explore it too and he may be all over it and drag you into the car to go make it happen before you can even get your make up on.

 

Dumping his butt because you have an urge to feel the soft touch of another woman even though their is nothing wrong with him or your marriage is indescribably selfish and destructive. But discussing this and working out options and negotiating boundaries and sharing fantasies etc can be a very enriching and positive thing in your marriage.

 

As a swinger myself, I can tell you that there are millions and millions of couples that do embrace this type of strategy in dealing with these kinds of feelings.

 

Why blow up a marriage and break up a family when he may be perfectly OK with you being with other women now and then?

[travelbug1996]

For me the only thing a woman can do for me is give oral sex. Is your husband not doing that? Or do you want to perform on another woman?

 

If I were you, I would listen to your mother. It takes more than the physical aspect to make a relationship work and that seems to be your main focus (i.e tingling etc) but you and your husband seem to have more of an emotional connection.

 

I think you would be making the mistake of your life to leave your husband just to satisfy your weak flesh. Do you know how many women would love to have the one you described?

 

Its not worth it.

[oldshirt]

I need to add one other thing about my background. In my past I was in the position of your husband and I did get dumped so she could be with women. The real ironic thing to that was the primary issue and conflict we had in our 5 year on again/off again relationship was she wanted to get married but I was dragging my feet because I knew something was "off" with her.

 

She eventually met a woman that was single and did come out to her and they began to see each other on the down-low. I started getting suspicious and confronted her and she denied it right up to the day she dumped me and started moving in with this other gal.

 

The reason I am recommending you open up and share your urges with your husband is I wish I had been afforded that consideration with my old GF. I had asked her several times over the years about her sexuality and she always denied any form of bisexuality. If she had been honest about it and delt with it, we could have worked with it. I would have been accommodating of her bisexuality up to point. She could have had some GF s on the side and I would have been fine with it as long as she was still taking care of Big Daddy Oldshirt if you know what I mean.

 

And let's be fair, as a guy I would have been all over it with whipped cream and a cherry on top if she had a GF where they were all willing to share and include me in it ;-)

 

Realistically I don't think she would've gone for that but I would have at least appreciated the opportunity to have discussed it and had it considered.

 

Here is the point I really want to sink in to you though coming from someone who was in your husbands position. As it stands now, she didn't discuss this with me and didn't give me any input or any options. She cheated on me, she dumped me, I was hurt, I was pissed and I have carried some resentment and bitterness over the years because of it.

 

And also importantly, she carried shame and remorse for the whole situation and ended up moving away and leaving all her old friends and buddies etc behind. Even though I never complained or badmouthed her to anyone, other people thought she was a creep and a wackjob and a bad person which she really wasn't.

 

In the end we were both hurt and both went through pain and turmoil that we didn't have to.

 

If she had discussed this with me and tried to manage this with me together, we may have been able to work it out to both of our mutual satisfactions.

 

Or we may have been able to come to an agreement and we may have parted ways anyway, but we would have parted on much better terms and with way way less pain and turmoil and heartache on both sides.

 

From someone who was in your husbands position, please discuss this with him and look into options together with how to deal with these feelings and urges you are having. Many men are quite willing to work with their wife having female-female desires. Many even encourage and nurture it.

 

Please discuss it with him and don't just drop the ax out of nowhere just because you are one of billions of women that fantasize about touching other women.

[jackslife]

My mom tells me I married for better or worse and that I need to control my urges..

 

You should not listen to your mother! These aren't victorian times.

 

So if you are gay you should stay with a spouse of the opposite sex forever because you got married?

 

Absolute rubbish!

 

Speak to your husband and talk things through and be prepared to leave.

 

BTW type in "I love him but I am not in love with him" on google. You are not alone in this...

[travelbug1996]

You should not listen to your mother! These aren't victorian times.

 

So if you are gay you should stay with a spouse of the opposite sex forever because you got married?

 

Absolute rubbish!

 

Speak to your husband and talk things through and be prepared to leave.

 

BTW type in "I love him but I am not in love with him" on google. You are not alone in this...

 

 

Clearly she's not gay, she indicated that she still enjoys sex with her husband.

[me85]

Hand him a suitcase filled with money (let's say around a mil) followed by you saying "I want a divorce please."

 

Not to be insensitive to your feelings but the topic itself is kinda odd, I'd say. Unless he wants a divorce as well there's no way to leave him without hurting him. If you didn't want to split up and he did, wouldn't that hurt you?

 

I mean, is there really such a thing as leaving someone without hurting them?

 

You need to be certain you want a divorce before you say anything. But if you haven't already tried to talk to him or give counseling a try then it is wrong to just up and walk out on a marriage. I apologize, I haven't read your full story. But if you've tried everything and are still unhappy and know that you are unhappy because of your marriage/husband and that's it's not because of anything else...then of course you should get a divorce. ASAP too.

Edited September 16, 2014 by me85

[dclan]

I know this will come across as terribly selfish, how can it not, but after 12 years of marriage I don’t think I want to be with my husband anymore.

 

He has done nothing wrong, he is a great man. Our sex life is still good, he is still romantic, he still surprises me, he still makes me laugh. I still love him but I’m not sure I am in love with him.

 

The thing is that I think I want to be with another woman. I have had one very short experience when I was much younger (1 month) and its long been a treasured memory. I think I want that again but being selfish I would also like to keep my husband. I know I just can’t have that so I am thinking of leaving. This is not a spontaneous decision, I have felt this way for a long time now but the thought of hurting him makes me sick in the stomach. How can I tell the man I love, the man that has meant so much to me that I think I might be gay but if he waits around I might come back?

 

It seems so incredibly selfish doesn’t it? Realistically I may realize this is not for me and want to come back after a month, 6 months, a year, who knows? I can’t ask him to wait, it’s just not fair.

 

I have had some surprising advice like have an affair with a woman which I could never do, it’s just not me. Or approach him and ask for a limited open relationship, I don’t see how that would work but the person who suggested it is actually living it and swears by it (although she is seeing another guy). I don’t think any of these are for me.

 

My mom tells me I married for better or worse and that I need to control my urges. I truly wish I could but if anything they are getting stronger. We had a new employee at work a few months back and she was a very touchy feely person, every time she touched me gently I got this tingle, I have to admit I was tempted. Nothing did happen but if I had of known she was gay and single I'm not sure what I would have done. I knew then that this wasn’t something I could push to the back of my brain and hope it goes away.

 

I guess the question is along the lines of how do I tell my husband without hurting him? Obviously he will hurt but without hurting him more than I have to. How do I take half the house, half the bank account, etc. I sort of have my head around this because I have had time to think, this will be a shock to him. And because I really do still love him seeing him suffer will not be easy. It will not be easy to not want to comfort him, afterall I am his wife and that is part of my “job”.

 

Any advice, opinion or thought will be truly appreciated.

 

Let me give you some advise:

 

If you end it with him, and start dating a woman....is there a chance that in the future you might miss being with a man?

 

What I'm trying to say is that: you love your H, you have a good relationship, and the ONLY reason you want to end it is because you want to taste something different. It happens.

 

I bet that if you end it, and start dating a woman, in some distant future, you will miss being with a man, and you'll find yourself in the same situation you are now, wondering if you should end it with your partner, and start dating men again.

 

I agree with the posters above me, its easier to talk to your husband and talk to him about it.

 

Maybe a threesome with your H and another woman might be better? I honestly think he'll love it!!!

Edited September 16, 2014 by dclan

[oldshirt]

Clearly she's not gay, she indicated that she still enjoys sex with her husband.

 

She's obviously not exclusively lesbian and would have to be categorized as bisexual.

 

But don't let that minimize how much she may desire exploration with a woman. I know several different women personally that are happily married, are model wives and mothers, enjoy a robust sex life with their husbands and would still be like caged tigers if they could not be with other women periodically.

 

Female bisexuality is no where near the black and white of male homosexuality and that all or nothing standard cannot be applied to women.

 

There is a very very very small percentage of women that are completely homosexual and have zero interest in men but the numbers of women that would completely reject all men forever is negligible.

[SuperSally]

Thanks for all the replies. I will try to answer all as best I can.

 

First off we have no kids.

 

A few have mentioned open relationships or swinging but to be perfectly honest I am very selfish here and I could not deal with knowing he was seeing another woman. And I dare not go to him and say "Hi honey, I want to start sleeping with other people but I am not going to afford you the same privilege". I don't think I could be that unfair to him.

 

And it's not all about the sex anyway. Sure that is part of it, I cannot deny that, but it's on an emotional level as well. This is hard to explain because it makes it sound like I am currently being neglected emotionally and that is not true. I guess I truly understand now when people say it's not a choice to be gay (or in my case more accurately potentially bisexual), I haven't chosen this, I'm not sure I even want this, I certainly don't want to hurt my husband and yet here I am on the verge of leaving because the feelings are so overwhelmingly strong.

 

As someone said I may start dating women and realise that was not what I was looking for after all. That is so true, I have no idea whether a lesbian relationship is for me. A summer fling for a month 16 years ago is no indication that at this point in my life I now want a full on relationship. Of course that is what my head is telling me as I analyze all this, my heart is saying "you know you want it, go for it"

 

It seems the majority response is to discuss options with my hubby, I couldn't imagine he would be thrilled and give me a free pass to go off and explore by myself but that seems to be what others think may happen. Is that really the case? Would any guys reading this be ok if approached by their wife to let her enter into a lesbian relationship without wanting the same freedom in return?

[CarrieT]

It seems the majority response is to discuss options with my hubby, I couldn't imagine he would be thrilled and give me a free pass to go off and explore by myself but that seems to be what others think may happen. Is that really the case?

Here's the thing: You never know if you don't ask...

 

Would any guys reading this be ok if approached by their wife to let her enter into a lesbian relationship without wanting the same freedom in return?

He might if he is allowed to share in the experience.

 

Oldshirt will be able to expand on this more as he is currently in a swinging relationship. My previous marriage included swinging and it worked for a while because it was decided upon after discussion and a mutual decision to share; not just the sexual, but the emotional and intellectual as well.

 

I'm not saying this automatically means you will engage in threesomes. But if your husband really is your best friend, then being able to discuss and share in the emotional ramifications of this change in your life might make your marriage - and your growing relationship into old age - possible.

 

It has worked for others. I have several good friends whose marriages have survived this type of experimenting. And sometimes it does not... Those where it has failed on a catastrophic level are those relationships where the spouse was not given an option and deception was the rule. Those where the marriage survived are those where open and honesty was the rule.

[oldshirt]

 

A few have mentioned open relationships or swinging but to be perfectly honest I am very selfish here and I could not deal with knowing he was seeing another woman. And I dare not go to him and say "Hi honey, I want to start sleeping with other people but I am not going to afford you the same privilege". I don't think I could be that unfair to him.

 

 

 

It seems the majority response is to discuss options with my hubby, I couldn't imagine he would be thrilled and give me a free pass to go off and explore by myself but that seems to be what others think may happen. Is that really the case? Would any guys reading this be ok if approached by their wife to let her enter into a lesbian relationship without wanting the same freedom in return?

 

You are making assumptions and putting words in his mouth without even giving him the benifit of discussing it.

 

We are all advising you to DISCUSS IT with him and it will be up to the two of you to negotiate comfort zones and boundaries etc.

 

From personal firsthand experience, I can assure you there are many men out there that would do backflips and crawl naked through broken glass to see their wives with another woman and be OK with not being with other women themselves (I'm not one of them, I'd have to be in the middle myself LOL, but there are a lot of guys out there who are ok with it)

 

In our case we discussed it and shared thoughts and feelings and fears and discussed rules and boundaries etc for about two years before we actually had physical contact with other people. It's not like you drop the bomb and head to the bar that night.

 

Stop making assumptions of what you think he will say, do and feel. Give him the respect and decency to share this with him and discuss it and get his true feelings and beliefs on it before you blow up a perfectly good marriage so you can go chase some fantasy.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

That may be the most important part of the OP (or at least no mention). I dislike the idea of an open relationship and despise the crap that is called "polyamory", however when you have the urge for someone of the opposite sex, something your spouse can't offer.

 

Talk to him and figure out the next steps. Like those who complain about lack of sex or other bedroom issues it eventually creeps into other facets of your marriage, and if you don't talk, it leads to problems and resentment.

[oldshirt]

... To throw some more perspective on this, let me add this - there is a universe of difference between giving your wife a little leeway to have some extra fun and frivolity with other women now and then vs having her dump you so she can be with someone else.

 

There is a huge difference between your wife getting a sump'n sump'n on the side with other women than with another man.

 

But there is very little to no difference between having her dump your ass

To be with another woman vs dumping you for another man. That is pretty much the same pain and destruction.

 

If you approach him about this with respect and compassion and discuss it like adults, he will respect you and appreciate your openness and honesty even if the answer is no. And even if worse comes to worse and you can't live a strictly heterosexual life any more and have to leave him, he will harbor much less bitterness and resentment and pain than if you cheat on him and dump him out of the blue to be with someone else.

 

And we may keep in mind he may be thrilled to have you do this, but that will only occur if you involve him in the process and in the decision making and in setting the boundaries. He may be ok with not being with other women himself, but you don't know untill you discuss it.

[loveboid]

He's your friend and friends talk. It's not always about sex as you say. He would miss the connection if you just dumped him. But you can still be connected if you keep talking to him whatever you decide to do. Breaking a connection hurts and not talking about this and up and leaving would hurt him. Remember, you've had time to process this and let go but he hasn't. I would say at least give him the time to process.

[jackslife]

Your feelings aren't going to change so your options are...

 

1. Dumping and divorcing Husband to explore your feelings.

2. Doing nothing and become angry and frustrated.

3. Talk to your husband honestly.

 

2 is not an option for your sanity, so surely 3 is the only and best option. It may lead to option 1, but at least you should talk and try to find a middle road with him first.

[Mr. Lucky]

I agree with the posters above me, its easier to talk to your husband and talk to him about it.

 

Maybe a threesome with your H and another woman might be better? I honestly think he'll love it!!!

What man alive hasn't at least fantasized about that conversation ?

 

I like to think I'd be strong enough to say "no" but...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

What man alive hasn't at least fantasized about that conversation ?

 

I like to think I'd be strong enough to say "no" but...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Why on earth would you say no to a 3some if your wife is saying, "let's do it!" ????? That's just crazy LOL ;-)

[bubbaganoosh]

Thanks for all the replies. I will try to answer all as best I can.

 

First off we have no kids.

 

A few have mentioned open relationships or swinging but to be perfectly honest I am very selfish here and I could not deal with knowing he was seeing another woman. And I dare not go to him and say "Hi honey, I want to start sleeping with other people but I am not going to afford you the same privilege". I don't think I could be that unfair to him.

 

And it's not all about the sex anyway. Sure that is part of it, I cannot deny that, but it's on an emotional level as well. This is hard to explain because it makes it sound like I am currently being neglected emotionally and that is not true. I guess I truly understand now when people say it's not a choice to be gay (or in my case more accurately potentially bisexual), I haven't chosen this, I'm not sure I even want this, I certainly don't want to hurt my husband and yet here I am on the verge of leaving because the feelings are so overwhelmingly strong.

 

As someone said I may start dating women and realise that was not what I was looking for after all. That is so true, I have no idea whether a lesbian relationship is for me. A summer fling for a month 16 years ago is no indication that at this point in my life I now want a full on relationship. Of course that is what my head is telling me as I analyze all this, my heart is saying "you know you want it, go for it"

 

It seems the majority response is to discuss options with my hubby, I couldn't imagine he would be thrilled and give me a free pass to go off and explore by myself but that seems to be what others think may happen. Is that really the case? Would any guys reading this be ok if approached by their wife to let her enter into a lesbian relationship without wanting the same freedom in return?

 

If you had these urges before you married your husband, then IMO you should have told him before you married him and he could have had a choice but now through no fault of his own, he's on the threshold of his marriage coming apart at the seams and having his life turned upside down.

 

Falling in love with another man is one thing. He can at least try to compete but when it's another woman, he doesn't stand a snowballs chance in hell.

 

I believe you when you say you don't want to hurt him and that says a lot for you as a person but if your going to pull the trigger, do it before you do have an affair. Please don't do that.

 

If you do tell him, yes he'll be mad, hurt and have a ton of questions that no answer will be good enough but then that's the price your going to have to pay for. I hope your prepared because if it doesn't work out, I doubt if he'll want you back and just put yourself in his shoes and he would do the same to you. Would you want him back?

 

Think this over very carefully and I think it would be a good idea to finally let him know about you urge. He deserves to know that much.

[DKT3]

Thanks for all the replies. I will try to answer all as best I can.

 

First off we have no kids.

 

A few have mentioned open relationships or swinging but to be perfectly honest I am very selfish here and I could not deal with knowing he was seeing another woman. And I dare not go to him and say "Hi honey, I want to start sleeping with other people but I am not going to afford you the same privilege". I don't think I could be that unfair to him.

 

And it's not all about the sex anyway. Sure that is part of it, I cannot deny that, but it's on an emotional level as well. This is hard to explain because it makes it sound like I am currently being neglected emotionally and that is not true. I guess I truly understand now when people say it's not a choice to be gay (or in my case more accurately potentially bisexual), I haven't chosen this, I'm not sure I even want this, I certainly don't want to hurt my husband and yet here I am on the verge of leaving because the feelings are so overwhelmingly strong.

 

As someone said I may start dating women and realise that was not what I was looking for after all. That is so true, I have no idea whether a lesbian relationship is for me. A summer fling for a month 16 years ago is no indication that at this point in my life I now want a full on relationship. Of course that is what my head is telling me as I analyze all this, my heart is saying "you know you want it, go for it"

 

It seems the majority response is to discuss options with my hubby, I couldn't imagine he would be thrilled and give me a free pass to go off and explore by myself but that seems to be what others think may happen. Is that really the case? Would any guys reading this be ok if approached by their wife to let her enter into a lesbian relationship without wanting the same freedom in return?

 

You do understand that should you leave there is a 100% chance he will be with another woman, right?

 

I guess the biggest issue is you don't trust your husband enough to communicate this stuff with him. Maybe you feel he will take the decision out of your hand.

 

The thing is give him a chance. Maybe he leaves but maybe he doesn't and would allow you the space to explore this desire.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

With all the other posters.

 

-Talk to him and be honest and *don't put it off*

-You are going to hurt him. Of course. Question is, with deceit and half truths or not? I recommend not.

 

Tingly workmate aside - is there someone specific you have in mind or are these all free floating urges devoid of a specific target?

[Mr. Lucky]

Why on earth would you say no to a 3some if your wife is saying, "let's do it!" ????? That's just crazy LOL ;-)

Because I've seen the movie enough times to know how it turns out and it's rarely pretty. As they say - If you're going to have a dance, sooner or later got to pay the band...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Trimmer]

It seems the majority response is to discuss options with my hubby, I couldn't imagine he would be thrilled and give me a free pass to go off and explore by myself but that seems to be what others think may happen. Is that really the case? Would any guys reading this be ok if approached by their wife to let her enter into a lesbian relationship without wanting the same freedom in return?

 

If the option is between:

(a) giving him a chance to talk about it and work out some kind of a solution, or at least some kind of graceful exit plan; or

(b) unilaterally deciding to leave him;

 

Don't you agree that for option (b), the chance of any kind of moderately successful outcome (which I define as some kind of meeting of the minds and mutual grace between the two of you) is exactly 0%?

 

So given that, why would you talk yourself out of option (a) with excuses like "I can't imagine he would go for it..." or anything like that? Option (b) has a guaranteed bad outcome. Why not take a chance on the option that has some chance of achieving some kind of grace and understanding, even if it may not be perfect or complete?