Emerald_11 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Hi!- I am going to share for all to see some positive things that I love about my husband... (since you all have heard some other things about him from previous threads of mine I wanted to show the other side of that) 1. He is an excellent cook. He is especially good BBQing. 2. He is very handsome & in shape. 3. He is very handy and good at carpentry & certain types of mechanic stuff 4. He is successful at his job and works hard to provide for our family 5. He gives great back & foot massages occasionally 6. He tells me he loves me everyday- even when we argue or disagree 7. He is smart & has the ability to think outside the box, dream big & then make it happen. 8. He totally fell in love with the dog he didn't want me to get but I brought home anyways. 9. Well I was trying to think of at least 10 for my list but this is all I can come up with right now. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Those are nice however for me it wouldn't outweigh a man who cant at least clean up after himself I lived with a slob bf for a few years and by the end of it I was exhausted and very depressed sorry to kill the mood but just being honest.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emerald_11 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Yes I have been very depressed. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I was thinking the same thing reading this. It's like he's disrespecting you and treating you as his slave yet you feel the need to post these things about him...? I can't understand this. He acts like a spoiled brat and treats you terribly when you're probably already doing too much. When are you going to put your foot down and tell him he's being a total jerk? When are you going to change it by the way you participate (by quitting doing it for him)? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emerald_11 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 (edited) He will have a fit if I don't do his laundry..he has fits even when I am doing it because I didn't do it fast enough! I know something is not quite right & want to seek counseling to get help with how to make this work for me. I want to be happy. I have told him at times he is behaving like an ass it never goes well. Then later he acts like everything is fine. Edited December 10, 2014 by Emerald_11 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Sounds like a controlling brat. The only way it changes is when you change the way you participate. It forces change in his end too. If he throws a fit - so what? Remind him that he's acting like a baby. He wants his laundry = he should do it! Link to post Share on other sites
thirtysomethingteen Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I have to ask, are you afraid of your husband Emerald? You don't strike me as a pushover or someone who just likes to complain without taking any action, so I wonder. Does your husband have a bad temper/react with violence or threats when you confront him? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Bleh...such a generic list. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I have read one or two of your threads and honestly your husband doesn't sound like he treats you right one bit. Is this list really just for us, or is it to try and justify you staying? Throwing a fit over the way YOU do HIS laundry... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emerald_11 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 (edited) I have to ask, are you afraid of your husband Emerald? You don't strike me as a pushover or someone who just likes to complain without taking any action, so I wonder. Does your husband have a bad temper/react with violence or threats when you confront him? YES. I remember one time I got so scared of him because he had been out at the bar and came home in a bad mood. After I watched him rip our bedroom door off its hinges and throw it as he yelled at me. I freaked out and ran outside. He was chasing me..I went into the shop and hid behind a couch. He looked around for a while but didn't find me. I slept there that night. I remember being really worried about my daughter...she was asleep in her bed in her room. As soon as the sun came up I went inside & got her-he was still asleep- and I left...I avoided going home for a while but he somehow talked me into forgiving him for acting like that. Then a different night He did have to go to jail because the neighbors called the police. There was a restraining order. He couldn't live with me & stayed at his parents house. I thought about not taking him back after that but I did... He has not done anything quite like that since that happened years ago. This is one of the things him & I agreed to never speak of again. Edited December 10, 2014 by Emerald_11 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Yet you come and write out a list of things saying he's so hot etc. Em, the guy is controlling and abusive. Is there anyplace you can go if you leave him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emerald_11 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Also we have had to move in the past because he had a big blow up fight with the neighbor...it wasn't physical but it was very nasty. The police showed up and after they left my husband decided to leave -I couldn't stop him. He ended up getting a DUI because the cops were still hanging around waiting for him. I get really worried whenever he talks to our current landlord that he might say the wrong thing and get us kicked out of here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emerald_11 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Yet you come and write out a list of things saying he's so hot etc. Em, the guy is controlling and abusive. Is there anyplace you can go if you leave him? NO.....I don't have anyplace to go. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 NO.....I don't have anyplace to go. Look up women's shelters in your area. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 You shouldn't have to live in fear. You have to watch what you say and can't be yourself in your own home if you always have to worry about his reaction. They call that walking on eggshells and it's no environment to raise a family in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Is he still working out of town a lot? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emerald_11 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Look up women's shelters in your area. I know all about that --I wont do it. He doesn't hurt me anymore. Just had dumb fits sometimes. I am setting up a counseling meeting for myself. I think I will wait until next school semester starts I only have one more class left to get my degree and will have time to go back to full time at my job so I have the $ for me & my kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emerald_11 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Is he still working out of town a lot? he is in town this week & he thinks he found someone else to hire to work out of town for that client. But he will still have to go oversee those jobs. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I know all about that --I wont do it. He doesn't hurt me anymore. Just had dumb fits sometimes. I am setting up a counseling meeting for myself. I think I will wait until next school semester starts I only have one more class left to get my degree and will have time to go back to full time at my job so I have the $ for me & my kids. Those "dumb fits" will be damaging you. Emotional abuse can hurt as much as physical abuse. But as long as you feel safe, I agree you have to get your degree out of the way and make a better life for you and your kids once you do go. Link to post Share on other sites
NateGrey Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Wait wait wait hold on, I found your last post extremely disturbing Elaine. Let me just say that I do NOT condone abuse, I do not condone staying if one is unhappy, I do not condone any of the things this woman's husband does. But, and this is a big BUT, it almost sounds like what is being said is for her to wait until she gets her degree, then split with her kids? To which, Nope, with a big capital N. Don't do that, I don't care how much laundry the guy whines about. If you are depressed do not suffer in silence, and if you are merely sticking around JUST so you can get enough money and graduate, do not keep that from him. What he does is not fair, but you won't solve it by being just as unfair. I apologize if I took what you said the wrong way, but it sure sounds like your advice essentially boiled down to "well if you feel safe then stick around until you have enough money and then head for the hills". I hate people who emotionally or physically abuse others, but I also hate it when a person suffers in silence for no reason only to suddenly drop some huge atomic bomb on someone. If he is such a bad H and she is so unhappy I would advise her to leave or make him aware she plans to leave, but don't just sit and act like everything is fine and then BAM one day drop this huge bomb from nowhere. You just don't do it, I don't care what his views on household chores are. Link to post Share on other sites
thirtysomethingteen Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 YES. I remember one time I got so scared of him because he had been out at the bar and came home in a bad mood. After I watched him rip our bedroom door off its hinges and throw it as he yelled at me. I freaked out and ran outside. He was chasing me..I went into the shop and hid behind a couch. He looked around for a while but didn't find me. I slept there that night. I remember being really worried about my daughter...she was asleep in her bed in her room. As soon as the sun came up I went inside & got her-he was still asleep- and I left...I avoided going home for a while but he somehow talked me into forgiving him for acting like that. Then a different night He did have to go to jail because the neighbors called the police. There was a restraining order. He couldn't live with me & stayed at his parents house. I thought about not taking him back after that but I did... He has not done anything quite like that since that happened years ago. This is one of the things him & I agreed to never speak of again. Yikes!! I wondered about this - whenever you post about him there seems to be an undercurrent of fear. I don't blame you for being afraid of him; I would be too. Doesn't matter that he hasn't done this stuff in awhile, you still have to live with the threat of violence hanging over your head. One thing you didn't mention in your list is him being a good father. How is he with your kids? (Aside from being a lousy role model that is). I completely understand why you don't want to go to a shelter, I couldn't either. But your marriage is not sustainable for the long haul - I think you need to start putting together a (secret from him!) plan to get out of it. Since you're a student you should be able to get free couselling for yourself through school, and maybe they can point you towards a lawyer who would be willing to meet with you pro bono once or twice. If you were to leave your husband would likely have to pay you child support and possibly alimony whether he liked it or not. At the very least, you should find out your options. Even if he never gets drunk and terrorizes you again (he has a problem with alcohol as well, I take it?) his violence towards others is going to catch up with him and before long he'll be doing a lot more than token stints in jail. That's no way for you and your kids to live. And neither of you are ever supposed to speak of his violent outbursts again?? He should be speaking about them weekly, at minimum, with a qualified mental health professional. But I'll bet he chooses to see nothing wrong with the way he behaves. I know you are strong and you can do this for you and your kids. Keep us updated and be sure to delete your browsing history so he doesn't find out you've been posting here. ((Hugs)) Emerald. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Also we have had to move in the past because he had a big blow up fight with the neighbor...it wasn't physical but it was very nasty. The police showed up and after they left my husband decided to leave -I couldn't stop him. He ended up getting a DUI because the cops were still hanging around waiting for him. I get really worried whenever he talks to our current landlord that he might say the wrong thing and get us kicked out of here. Whoa these are huge red flags! my alcoholic abuser use to be like this we had to move cause he got into fights with all the nabors and yes he will prob say the wrong thing at some point ide bet on it. You need some personal counseling alone OP make a excuse if you are afraid to tell him were you are going but get yourself to a professional who can help you figure all this stuff out. It sounds like you need to leave him imo if hes been violent agreeing to "never speak about it again" doesn't make it go away and doesn't mean the underlining problem is fixed..please seek some help you deserve better.. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 You just don't do it, I don't care what his views on household chores are. If you read the OPs post and her admission above, this is not just about household chores. She needs to position herself here, so she can do the best for her kids. Personally I would advise anyone who is being abused to leave, but sometimes life is just a bit more complicated. This man could scupper her degree, if she left or said she was leaving now, sometimes in life you need to be clever and keep your powder dry. Link to post Share on other sites
NateGrey Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) If she intends to leave him then he has a right to know, it's not right to sit there and act like everything is okay when it is not. No, not even under the guise of "doing it for the kids" or "doing it for a career". Sorry, if the guy was so horrible she shouldn't of married him in the first place. You also say this is about more then chores, maybe, but unless she feels the guy will literally murder her if she tries to leave? Then it doesn't matter, feeling emotionally abused is no better a reason then him not wanting to do chores. If the guy is so terrible why continue to expose your kids to him? Or if he just treats the wife badly and the kids fine, why let your kids be exposed to that either? Like I said, unless she fears for her life, she should get out now. If she intends to run for the hills with the kids in tow as soon as she gets her degree, he needs a heads up and I don't mean 5 minutes before she graduates. Which, since she has already said she doesn't fear for her life, there is not much room to stand on with the whole issue of "lie to the guy until the ink on your diploma is barely dry, then scram". She doesn't get to stay with the guy and use him for financial support until she is ready to step out on her own. Or at least she should not get to do so, and I'd never advise her to. Like I said if the guy is so horrible she should leave, but then she said she feels safe and here we sit in a topic made for the express purpose of her telling us how super awesome he is so..I guess I just kinda feel confused about this whole ordeal. OP, is your H a bad guy or isn't he? I mean, you already essentially just told us you are going to stick around just until you get your degree, so again I just can't fathom why you told us that in a topic about how much you love him? Edited December 11, 2014 by NateGrey Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) If she intends to leave him then he has a right to know You don't tell a man with a history of domestic violence that you're leaving him. You plan an escape and play nice until you can safely leave. Edited December 11, 2014 by amaysngrace 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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