Husband's female friend

[jackiec22]

Hi, I'm new here and need advice...

 

I've been married for 5 and a half years, and because of past relationships, I've always had a hard time trusting men.

 

A couple of years ago, my husband exchanged numbers with a female classmate (totally normal to me!), and it's not something I needed to know. About six months later, he mentioned her to me as a good friend. I was a little jealous and confused because I was wondering how they met. He explained that they exchanged numbers for school reasons, and became friends. I didn't think anything of it because I have male friends. He has other female friends too that he knew before we even met. This girl though, her name is Kassi. they've been speaking for so long, and I have never met her, and they were texting ALL the time. I mentioned my concerns, and he said "we're just friends, she is smart for her age, and she has a messed up life, so she vents to me about things". He even told me about some of the messed up stuff in her life.

I was still weird about her because I didn't understand what kind of early 20 something girl befriends a married man. I kept thinking "why doesn't she have her own friends to vent to? Why does she have to talk to my husband so much?"

 

Recently, in January, I went on his facebook (yes, I snooped). His messages to her have blanks in the conversation and the message conversation started a couple of days later. I thought it was weird that they had been talking so long, and the first facebook message was the week before i looked. It led me to think that he deleted everything. Text messages between them were also deleted, so I couldn't see anything!

The weirdest thing was that they were no longer friends on facebook, I looked her up on his page and noticed she had him blocked!

I HAD to question him on why she blocked him because she blocked him on facebook but they were still texting all the time. He said it was because of his anti-religious posts and she's a big christian. To me, that's not grounds for blocking, and she has 500 facebook friends, his posts probably don't even pop up, AND you can do what I do which is hide from newsfeed.

 

It bothered me and he really had no answer. I told him that I wasn't comfortable with them being friends, and it needs to end. I looked at his phone history on our bill, and they were talking all the time when I was at work. On February 19th, he was out running errands, and I was waiting for him, the call history said they spoke for 91 freaking minutes that night.

It made me feel better because at least I knew they weren't together since they were on the phone.

He doesn't know that I've been checking the bill, he thinks I only saw the length and time of his conversation by looking at his phone.

 

He said they spoke for so long because he was cutting her out of his life, and they argued about things, etc.

 

I've been peaking at the bill about once a week, and he has indeed not contacted her.

Well, last week (March 29-March 31), I took the kids and went to my parents across the state for a little vacation. He couldn't come because he couldn't take time off of work.

On friday, I peaked at the bill, and saw her number pop up. He called her numerous times on March 29th, all 1 minute long, and one was 9 minutes long.

A few minutes after he called her one of the times, he texted me saying "I'll love you more than anyone else, always".

 

It was so strange. Her number was blocked on his phone, so he obviously unblocked her and reached out.

They hadn't spoken for months, and their conversation was 9 minutes long. I keep thinking she came over, or they met up somewhere. I can't get it out of my head.

Do I confront him? He may have not done anything, but talking to her against my wishes is enough to be upset. I just feel like I'll never trust him...

Help, and sorry for the long post.

[whichwayisup]

Yes confront him. Something isn't adding here! He is up to no good, whether he's having a full on affair with her or their friendship is too close for comfort, it has to end. He can't have a 'side' girl and stay married to you. He is investing her in emotionally and she in him. Married guys aren't supposed to do this!

 

You've not met her, so that's a big red flag. People who have opposite sex friends are also friends with the other spouse.

[darkmoon]

i agree confront him, be careful not to argue my two cents is that the she would be happy to drive a wedge between you, she is into subterfuge as in she likes to be a secret phoner

[jen1447]

Just a thought, but the March 29th thing almost sounds like numerous hang up calls (they'd all register as 1 minute) and a 9 minute "what's your problem, don't call me anymore" call. 9 minutes is way too short to be lovey-dovey if they haven't talked in a long time, but just right to catch up a little and review the "stop calling me" instructions.

 

I'm generally pretty skeptical about people (if it seems wrong, it usually is), but while it's not ironclad, the above scenario's still a possibility. Maybe she dumped him. It would explain the sudden need for a cuddle from you too.

[jackiec22]

I'm bad with confrontation without getting angry and accusatory...

 

Do you guys have any advice on how I should bring this up to him in a calm manner?

 

Also, don't you guys think he will just lie if nothing happened? How can I take his word on whatever he tells me, even if it's the truth?

[jackiec22]

That's what freaked me out. I figured he probably texted her a few times, but that doesn't show up on phone bill because of imessage is recorded as data.

 

It's like he called her, 1 minute. 20 minutes later, another call that she may have ignored, 1 more, and the next one I suppose she answered and they spoke for 9 minutes. then he called again an hour later, 1 minute...

 

It just has me paranoid that he wants her back, or that they got togetther.

[redtail]

He said it was because of his anti-religious posts and she's a big christian.

If that's true, that's pretty much an "oil & water" situation between them. But yeah, you need to have a conversation to clear the air.

[elaine567]

Where does she live?

[jackiec22]

she lives in the same city as us...

[elaine567]

she lives in the same city as us...

 

OK that is more worrying, I agree, calls may have been to arrange a meeting, as you were out of town.

A few minutes after he called her one of the times, he texted me saying "I'll love you more than anyone else, always".

- sorry to say but that could be guilt.

[darkmoon]

you should both confront her, tell her she is over-stepping your boundary, if your husband does not agree to you both tellng her to go, then i would doubt him, he might well have meant his loving text, give him a chance, send her to meet-up groups

[stillmind]

Eeeeek... I don't like to jump to conclusions but if this was my husband? I would 100% believe he had an affair and start digging for proof.

[jackiec22]

this is how i feel too... I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I'm finding it near impossible!

 

 

And I have no idea how to get proof, he's very good at covering things up on his phone. The only thing he doesn't know about is me looking at the phone bill. I'm convinced it's the only way I can "catch" him if anything is happening.

[kayla73]

Something fishy seems to be going on.

 

Okay, so the blocking on Facebook just sounds ridiculous if they continued to communicate outside of Facebook.

 

If I was in your situation, I would probably be paranoid too. I think your greatest ally right now might be this girl. Since you know her number, call her.

 

The text he sent you afterwards makes me believe they had a fight and he's feeling guilty. Maybe she'll tell you the truth.

 

Either way, the things HE is telling you doesn't add up. He is lying, but why if all it is is a friendship?

[jackiec22]

ugh, here's the problem....

 

the day after i confronted him, and he gave me a BS reason, I texted her, very impulsively...

I said "Kassi, this is BLANK'S wife, Our marriage isn't great right now, and I noticed you blocked him on Facebook. Because he deletes his messages, it made me feel like I needed to know why you blocked him. Even if it is something silly, I just want to know so I can get over these sucpicious/unhealthy thoughts. I asked him about it, and he didn't have an answer, so I felt the need to contact you. I promise is anything is going on, or has gone on, I would NEVER blame you. So, I'm asking you please, woman to woman, why is he blocked? And do I have anything to worried about? Thank you and."

 

 

The messed up part is that it said "read at 11:03". Then, 5 minutes later, my husband posts an angry tweet on twitter that said "don't make claims without proof, or you're a fool", something like that. To me, she CLEARLY told him. Then I know she read it right away, but about an hour later, she finally responded with " We were just friends. Nothing more. You have nothing to be worried about. The whole blocking thing is just something I do on occasion to clean up my account. He and I differed on religious views and that genuinely sprouted from that." That's all she put, and it took her an hour to write that. Also, int just so happens to be my husband's exact style of speech, so I never believed it. I don't think she's a good source AT ALL. I know I sound like a paranoid freak, but I won't go back to her... and I never replied to that.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

ugh, here's the problem....

 

the day after i confronted him, and he gave me a BS reason, I texted her, very impulsively...

I said "Kassi, this is BLANK'S wife, Our marriage isn't great right now, and I noticed you blocked him on Facebook. Because he deletes his messages, it made me feel like I needed to know why you blocked him. Even if it is something silly, I just want to know so I can get over these sucpicious/unhealthy thoughts. I asked him about it, and he didn't have an answer, so I felt the need to contact you. I promise is anything is going on, or has gone on, I would NEVER blame you. So, I'm asking you please, woman to woman, why is he blocked? And do I have anything to worried about? Thank you and."

 

 

The messed up part is that it said "read at 11:03". Then, 5 minutes later, my husband posts an angry tweet on twitter that said "don't make claims without proof, or you're a fool", something like that. To me, she CLEARLY told him. Then I know she read it right away, but about an hour later, she finally responded with " We were just friends. Nothing more. You have nothing to be worried about. The whole blocking thing is just something I do on occasion to clean up my account. He and I differed on religious views and that genuinely sprouted from that." That's all she put, and it took her an hour to write that. Also, int just so happens to be my husband's exact style of speech, so I never believed it. I don't think she's a good source AT ALL. I know I sound like a paranoid freak, but I won't go back to her... and I never replied to that.

 

If your husband and "Kassi" were TRULY just friends, there would be NO hiding anything from you (by deleting both of their messages & texts - suspicious!) and he wouldn't be talking to her for more than 10 minutes at a time for ANY of their phone calls because all of their convos would be SCHOOL RELATED.

 

If he wants to have a female friend, then he should be an OPEN BOOK to you regarding that and he should have most (if not all) of their phone convos when you're around - there should be NO need (nor desire) for him to be talking to her for more than 10 minutes at a time and there should be NO need (nor desire) for him to be arranging to have these phone convos with her whenever you're NOT around.

 

I think he has developed an EA (emotional affair) with this young woman - a VERY dangerous element for your marriage. He's covering his tracks by deleting texts and FB messages; thank God you're intelligent and stealth enough to refer to the phone bill to keep track of his phone calls with this OW (other woman). If it weren't for that, you wouldn't have anything to go on but HIS word - which I wouldn't trust worth a damn.

 

You messaging the OW was a bad move - because now, he knows you're on to him...and from now on, he'll be extra EXTRA careful with covering his tracks and with HOW and WHEN he communicates with this OW.

 

You have all the proof you need to confront your HUSBAND and tell him to END this communication/friendship/EA with this young woman. If it's truly JUST a friendship - and, if he loves YOU, respects YOU and VALUES this marriage MORE than keeping a young woman as his "friend" - then he'll have NO PROBLEM *ending* this "friendship" with her and, that'll be THAT.

 

If he fights you on this and insists on maintaining this "friendship" (= EA) and he tries to guilt you into thinking you're "insecure" or being "immature" about him being able to have any friendships he wants to because he's an "adult", then THAT is your super duper RED FLAG that what he has with this OW is a full blown Emotional Affair and NOT the innocent "friendship" that he wants you to foolishly believe.

 

And, you went across the state for a vaca with your kids...he claims he couldn't "take the time off work" (which could be true, but w/e)....you were GONE for THREE whole DAYS....they could've actually met up and had sex or did anything in between....you'll NEVER know because neither one of them will TELL YOU what REALLY happened within those three days.

 

 

If I were you, I would be livid at this point. I also wouldn't trust ANYTHING he says as far as I could throw him. Sorry OP....but I think your husband is CHEATING on you. It doesn't matter if it's a sexual affair or an emotional affair....it's STILL CHEATING....he's still directing and focusing his attention (emotional and/or sexual) ELSEWHERE and NOT solely on YOU, which is what MARRIED PEOPLE are suppose to do.

 

What is your next step with regard to this suspicious and awful situation? Whatever it is, you must stay STRONG and VIGILANT and SMART. Don't fall for any bull$hit that he tells you. His Twitter rant is quite telling, don't you think? He is super PISSED that you're on to him, because his secret little "friendship" (a.k.a. Emotional [and possibly Sexual] AFFAIR) is now something that you're AWARE of.

 

He wants to have his cake and eat it too (having the BOTH of you to use as he sees fit) - DON'T LET HIM have it both ways!!!! He either has to choose YOU or HER....

 

 

 

.

[spanz1]

DON'T CONFRONT HIM until you do some more digging. if he IS having an affair, his communications will just go underground and it will be harder to figure it out.

[MuddyRock]

You need to get a voice activated recorder tomorrow and hide it under his car seat.

[rester]

Just a thought, but the March 29th thing almost sounds like numerous hang up calls (they'd all register as 1 minute) and a 9 minute "what's your problem, don't call me anymore" call. 9 minutes is way too short to be lovey-dovey if they haven't talked in a long time, but just right to catch up a little and review the "stop calling me" instructions.

 

I'm generally pretty skeptical about people (if it seems wrong, it usually is), but while it's not ironclad, the above scenario's still a possibility. Maybe she dumped him. It would explain the sudden need for a cuddle from you too.

 

I was thinking the same thing. My first reaction to your OP was that your husband fell for this woman but she wasn't interested. Maybe they got too close and she realized he had inappropriate feelings for her so she blocked him. He kept trying to contact her, etc.

 

Regardless of the depth of their relationship, I think your husband was acting inappropriately.

[jackiec22]

thanks for all of your advice!

 

yes, i'm not going to confront him until i have more information, but i'm just lost on what to do. I'm having a hard time being intimate with him because I keep thinking of him with her...

 

To those telling me to tell him to cut her off, he already did.

On February 19th, he told me "if she makes you uncomfortable, i'll cut her off, you're more important to me"

So he did, and I asked to see his texts. They were deleted. And I blocked her number on his phone.He said he deleted the texts because she was out of his life now, etc.

I said "well, you shouldn't have, wouldn't you want me to see the proof that you really did get rid of her for good?" And he stuck to his story about how she's gone, so he deleted it.

And that was the night he had the extremely long conversation with her on the phone PRIOR to me mentioning to him that I wanted her cut off.

So, she's been cut off, and they hadn't spoken since that night, until he contacted her when I was out of town. Him going against my wishes is enough for me to be upset. Now that I'm reading your responses, I am wondering if he did have deep loving feelings for her, and can't seem to let her go?

I can't live like that, and I don't know what to do. It's not like he'd ever admit to it, and she'll always take his back. .3

What do i do?

[amaysngrace]

I think he was trying to get with her and she told him to fck off.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

thanks for all of your advice!

 

yes, i'm not going to confront him until i have more information, but i'm just lost on what to do. I'm having a hard time being intimate with him because I keep thinking of him with her...

 

To those telling me to tell him to cut her off, he already did.

 

What "more information" are you going to attain with regard to your husband and this OW? A hidden voice recorder in his car? An installed call recorder on his phone? Hiring a private detective? Because you've spoken to the OW and because she has TOLD HIM that you're on to their "friendship", he's going to be extra EXTRA careful to cover his tracks whenever he communicates with her.

 

Idk...I just have a feeling that you're not going to be able to get any more "evidence" than what you already have (found out). Your last sentence asks, "what do I do?". If you continue to do nothing and wait until you get more "proof", you're going to have to live with this uncertainty about whether his feelings for her are stronger than what he's letting on and you're going to have to live with the ickiness of being or not being intimate with him when his mind could be thinking of HER while he's touching you (eww).

 

If this was my situation, I would confront him with it head-on and give him an ultimatum: Either he be a COMPLETE OPEN BOOK to me with regard to his phone, where he goes, his social media account(s) and telling me the absolute TRUTH about how he REALLY feels about me, about our marriage and about this OW.....or, I might end the marriage. NO ONE should have to live with nagging doubts, uncertainties, feeling uncomfortable during sexual/physical intimacy and distrust of their SPOUSE - the person with whom they should NOT be feeling any of these negative emotions. But like I said, this is what I would do (and feel) if this was MY situation. However, this is YOUR situation, so you have to do what you feel is best for you (and your kids).

 

Life is too damn short to be wasting your time with someone who may be cheating on you - even if it's only emotionally at this point. The three days that you were gone while he was alone....and possibly having had sex with this OW, is something that I would NEVER be able to get past...unless he looked me right in the eyes and told me implicitly that he did NOT *ever* meet up with her in person during those three days AND only *if* I believed what he said to be TRUE. If I had ANY doubts about that, I would start to disconnect emotionally, physically and spiritually from him.

 

 

 

.

[elaine567]

Seems like the naughty school boy, caught stealing apples from his neighbours garden, says he will stop and does, but as soon as the neighbours go on holiday, he is straight into their garden stealing their apples again.

 

Whether or not your husband and this girl met up, the wrong doing is all on him as soon as he picked up that phone to text or call her when you had left.

Cheaters are often under-estimated by the BS, because the choose to believe the man/woman they spend their days with, would never betray them.

 

He may have another phone he usually contacts her on, he may have a laptop or he may have another FB account/email/messaging app they communicate via.

He may have made a mistake using his real phone or he may have felt safe and used his real phone because you were not there to look over his shoulder... Cheaters can be very devious.

 

The only person you need to convince is YOU, you do not need to prove to him, that he is cheating.

If he is cheating, he already knows.

Edited April 8, 2015 by elaine567
missing word

[Lunay]

I agree it will most likely go no where by contacting the OW. It sounds to me when you sent her that message before, she read it, went straight to him, they came up with an explanation together (He had already given you the religious BS by that point) and then she messaged you back.

Something is NOT RIGHT with the situation. You know it and so does everyone here on LS.

I would either try the VAR under his car seat, or just full out confront him. He is lying about not contacting her already and you have proof of that.

[elaine567]

It sounds to me when you sent her that message before, she read it, went straight to him, they came up with an explanation together (He had already given you the religious BS by that point) and then she messaged you back.

Something is NOT RIGHT with the situation. You know it and so does everyone here on LS.

 

I agree that sounds like a joint effort, and as such, that has to be taken as a very worrying sign.