Son close to mother

[adna89]

My husband is very protective of his mom,she is a woman that likes to dominate over everyone,,,and she likes to be part of our lives a little bit too much

 

 

Thing is,my husbands father died when he was 5 years old,,,his mom never remarried ,basically all her life was given to her children.this makes my husband feel he needs to respect all her whishes,and she is using that.how can i tell him in a nice way enough is enough?

[Art_Critic]

sounds like he grew up in a role of the head of household rather than the child, not that it is a horrible thing but it probably made him the way he is today.

 

at this point in his life the parent/child role he has is already set in stone, without him wanting to change nothing you say will change him

[badpenny]

You MUST have been aware of his relationship with his mother, before you married him...

And you must have seen signs of this along the way.

What gave you any hint or clue things would alter, AFTER marriage?

 

If you assumed they would, because naturally, he would now put YOU first - you can see your assumptions were hasty.

 

I have bad news for you: This. Will. Never. Change.

 

I think you feel slighted because you believe he SHOULD put you first, and you're feeling put out and perhaps a bit jealous.

 

I would suggest you discuss this with him and see what his response will be, but as Art_Critic has rightly said, if this has been his MO for some considerable time, expect nothing.

 

The you won't be disappointed.

 

You may have to learn to live with this, and worse, accept it.

Edited April 25, 2015 by badpenny

[adna89]

You MUST have been aware of his relationship with his mother, before you married him...

And you must have seen signs of this along the way.

What gave you any hint or clue things would alter, AFTER marriage?

 

If you assumed they would, because naturally, he would now put YOU first - you can see your assumptions were hasty.

 

I have bad news for you: This. Will. Never. Change.

 

I think you feel slighted because you believe he SHOULD put you first, and you're feeling put out and perhaps a bit jealous.

 

I would suggest you discuss this with him and see what his response will be, but as Art_Critic has rightly said, if this has been his MO for some considerable time, expect nothing.

 

The you won't be disappointed.

 

You may have to learn to live with this, and worse, accept it.

 

I had no idea really,well i assumed a bit since he was always there to fix things for her but then it did not seem to be such a huge thing ,,she is a woman,widow..and who will fix for her if not her son.

 

but now i feel it is too much

 

She will come and be with us for a week,every other weekend he wants us to go visit her.My food is never good enough...she says "i hope my kid is not hungry here" and similar comments

Edited April 25, 2015 by adna89

[casey.lives]

I would try addressing her directly. woman to woman. make her aware of how it's creating tension. Tell her EVERYTHING in one shot. Be Respectful and firm. Since she is domineering, she won't likely take offence to another female asserting her power. Don't make a habit of it but it's worth trying.

[badpenny]

I would try addressing her directly. woman to woman. make her aware of how it's creating tension. Tell her EVERYTHING in one shot. Be Respectful and firm. Since she is domineering, she won't likely take offence to another female asserting her power. Don't make a habit of it but it's worth trying.

I hate to say it, but I suspect this will simply create more of a rift and the mother will complain to her son that his wife insulted her.

 

I can see it coming a mile off, because once widowed, my ex's mother became a similar person. I could not know she would become so possessive and demanding, because until her husband died, she was completely affable and friendly. But once she found herself alone, her clingy dependency and insistent attention -seeking became overpowering.

 

She would not listen to reason and everything I said or did was up for criticism. I could do nothing right. No amount of talking, discussion attempted compromise or negotiation the was of any use.

 

It only stopped when my H finally put his foot down and read her the riot riot act.

That gave her quite a shock and she was initially offended and resentful. But as he stuck to his guns, she mellowed and eventually accepted the situation. Oh we still had some moments, but all in all, his resolve didn't waver.

 

I fear that this is what it will take for the OP's mother, but from the sound of it, her Husband doesnt seem so cooperative or agreeable to it...

[loveboid]

You've got to take your place as number one. You've got to effectively take over for her. Ironically, this is the only way she will begrudgingly relinquish control.

 

The strange thing about controlling people is they secretly wish someone would take the job from them and give them a break.

[MJJean]

You've got to take your place as number one. You've got to effectively take over for her. Ironically, this is the only way she will begrudgingly relinquish control.

 

The strange thing about controlling people is they secretly wish someone would take the job from them and give them a break.

 

This. And more. It takes a strong woman to lose her husband and raise her child(ren) single. She's a tough cookie and will only respect another tough cookie. You need to be that.

 

Your husband won't stand up to her behavior and comments, but you can and should. If your husband has a problem with that then he should have known as a matter of common sense that either he'd have to handle it or you would. He didn't, so now you need to.

[Lion Heart]

This. And more. It takes a strong woman to lose her husband and raise her child(ren) single. She's a tough cookie and will only respect another tough cookie. You need to be that.

 

Your husband won't stand up to her behavior and comments, but you can and should. If your husband has a problem with that then he should have known as a matter of common sense that either he'd have to handle it or you would. He didn't, so now you need to.

 

This ^^^^^ +1.

 

I was in a very similar situation when I met my now H (WH to be precise) 15y ago. My MIL asked all sorts of very personal questions of me eg my income, my bank balance, mortgage left on my home. Incredulous! (As though THOSE things should've mattered one dot?). I just laughed at her and said that no one in my family has asked any such questions of me because it's none of their business. I was 12yo when my own mother last knew my bank balance. MIL tried to justify knowing all that about all of her children. I just replied that now I know why none of them have grown up. Treat your children like children (after teen years) and they never grow into adults.

 

BOUNDARIES!!!!! You set yours.

 

My in laws have learnt not to overstep mine, nor my family's, nor use my home as a "do drop in" stop. Ask. Don't expect.

 

As evidenced by WH behaviours, the WHOLE family has extremely flimsy boundaries but I set them in well stated concrete. Assertiveness is what you can employ. Assertiveness is a virtue. It means that you set boundaries so that others don't impede your progress on any level. Allowing others willy nilly to dictate your to your life will only impede you.

 

And how dare your MIL make rude comments about the food you serve! I'd most definitely NOT feed her and allow HER to cook for the whole family whilst she is inhabiting your home. I'd make use of the free chef service well and truly! And have lots of date nights with H to boot while she's there.

 

I'd probably do alot more but that's me! Lol.

 

You'd be surprised at how people HATE a dose of their own medicine.

 

Lion Heart.