I lied to my girlfriend repeatedly, can she ever trust me?

[Mostly Honest]

It will be hard to make this one brief. I am already leaving out a lot, so please read this. I/We could use some advice...

 

 

We met in Aug. 2 years ago while she was on vacation. We spent almost all 11 remaining days together. When she left she tried harder to keep in touch than I did apparently. I was not aware of the issue at the time, but it has struck a nerve she never got over. I DID know we had something special, but never had a long distance relationship, let alone with a huge ocean between us. I didn't know what to expect.

 

 

She asked me to get Skype, and I was working in a restaurant a lot, then going out for drinks after every shift (around 6 nights a week for 1or 2 months). I did email, (not enough), but it took me 1 month to Skype her because I bought 3 different cameras (the first 2 didn't work). I know I should have made a bigger effort in hindsight.

 

 

She spent her Xmas money on a plane ticket to come and see me in December instead of her mom (I was unaware if the sacrifice at the time). The day after she bought the plane ticket, I went to see a play with a girl from work. I bought the tickets for the show, so she paid for 2 drinks after. We then went our separate ways, nothing romantic. It shouldn't have been a big deal, but I didn't tell my gf about it. We never spoke about being monogamous. I ALWAYS had that talk with my girlfriends, she NEVER had it with her boyfriends. Plus, she felt like I was not that interested so I may not respond well to the conversation, considering we were thousands of miles apart. I also went to this other girl's house to watch a movie with her and her roommate a week or 2 after the play.

Then in a facebook conversation I had with a Friend about Halloween plans, I referred to this girl as a dateish thing. I don't know why. We never kissed, we didn't flirt.

 

 

December comes and I took my gf to the SAME play. It was my favourite and I wanted her to share the experience. BUT, she asked when was the last time I saw the play and (I don't remember this) I said a couple of years instead of 2 months ago.

LIE # 1

 

 

While in my room on that vacation, she said that she has been off the market since we met. I said I have basically been off the market too.

Lie # 1.5 or 2? I am not sure. I never kissed anyone and didn't try to hook up with anyone actively. But she sees this as a betrayal and cheating.

 

 

Skip to her moving to my country for 6 months to see if we have a shot. I am ADD and can be very naive and immature in many ways. I never cleaned people off my Facebook pictures-even after she asked me it took a while because I am an idiot. My friends were not very receptive to her while she was there either. I kept trying to get her involved in my life, but it only pushed her away because I didn't notice my "friends" were ignoring her or flat out being rude to her. I also had 1 female friend who was married and always over and all over me. I was dumb and didn't realize that this girl was manipulating me and I don't know why. We were "besties" for a while. When she would leave I would always get up and give her a hug. I guess it got to be a longer and longer hug over 5 years. So my gf got very uncomfortable and told me to "cut it short" not stop. This "friend" would just hang on though. If I had a brain in my head, I would have stopped hugging her altogether. I grew up hugging everybody and never thought anything of it, guys and girls. But this WAS too much...hindsight again

 

 

Finally this "friend " was hanging with my roommate one night and flat out ignored my gf and me when we came home and said hi. I was supposed to see her play that month and felt a loyalty to her instead of my gf. BIG mistake. I never went to the show, but it was after a fight so big my gf still feels betrayed by the thought. I finally stopped talking to that "friend"

Then my gf made a deal with me to stop watching porn and smoking so much pot. I said if I do smoke or have an urge, I will call you. Well, first I smoked, didn't tell her and then lied about it. She forgave me, and 2 days later, I lied about watching porn. She wanted to know what else I lied about and I said nothing. I have nothing to hide, so I gave her my passwords and my phone to lookup and contact anyone or anything from my past.

 

 

She first texted the girl I took to the play to ask if there was anything between us. (my suggestion) She texted back "no" but my gf partly thinks I contacted her and told her to say it. Then my gf read my emails going back 5 years or so and I was contacting sluts and prostitutes on craigslist. I kept telling her that even though I was contacting them, I never met up with anyone. I would just look on craigslist and then look at porn and masturbate. That was the low point of my life and that was in place of dating for about 4 years. I stuck to that story until very recently. I did have 1 horrible experience and had a prostitute come to my apartment and she was gross and fat and it was something I blocked out for a long time and thought I would take it to the grave.

 

 

We broke up for a week. I was devastated. I swore I would never lie again and meant it. She took me back, but slipped into a huge depression that she is still in, but worse. She has had suicidal thoughts all the time since. I convinced her to come to my mom's for vacation, but she was so depressed and every day said she wanted to fly home. I was trying to split time between my gf and my mom and it wasn't working. Both said I was not spending enough time with them. My gf only forced herself to leave the bedroom for dinner. And she still feels bad that she heard me laughing with my mom at one point because she told me something funny about my nephew. Anyway the worst is that my sister is a ball of fire and my I thought that when my gf said she wanted to go, that it would be best. Rather than have my sister make her feel worse for being depressed and alone. I should have left with her, but my sister and nephews were arriving the same day to see me and meet my gf so I stayed. I cut my trip 2 days short to be with my gf, but maybe I should have come sooner.

 

 

Skip ahead to now. I live in her country in her apartment. I left all my friends and family to be with her. She was looking at pictures on my computer and found one I took of a woman across the street sunbathing on her balcony or something. It was a while before I even met my GF so it really should have only been an issue because it was creepy. BUT, she asked "What is this?" and I replied "I was just testing my camera". She knew the camera was already 6 months old and I didn't mean to insinuate that the girl just happened to be in the shot. I didn't want to gaslight her (which she says I do all the time).

That was lie #5.

She kicked me out for 3 days and then I promised not to lie again.

Every time she kept asking "How come 4 years and you never hooked up with a slut or prostitute? There must be something you are not telling if you tried this for 4 years" so all those conversations, I denied until recently and then She caught me lying last month about masturbating in the middle of the night to try to sleep. She asked what I was doing in the bathroom so long and I said, "Just going to the bathroom and then I saw a new wrinkle on my face. " She asked in the bedroom 1 more time and I told her I masturbated, no porn, but I lied about it.

 

 

We have not been the same since. She thinks I am checking other girls out with and without her. At a restaurant with her she said she saw me look a woman up and down and stop on her ass. I have no recollection of that. I was trying to get her out of the apartment and do something nice with her. Instead, I guess I looked at some woman's ass!

 

 

I don't know if there is hope for us. I don't know if staying with her is killing her more and more each day. I DO love her SO much. She doesn't believe me because of all these actions. I haven't protected her from my "friends", or people that mistreat her, or myself! I want to marry her and have a baby with her, but I am stressing her out so much that her hair falls out and she screams and cries all the time and her self esteem has dropped so low. I want to make her better not worse. She is so beautiful to me (inside and out) I would do anything for her and I want her to feel good!

[Satu]

It's clear enough that she doesn't trust you.

 

A question:

 

Was there ever a time when she did trust you?

 

I'm asking this because I'd like to know if she can trust.

 

Another question:

 

How old are you both?

[Mostly Honest]

Yes, I think she was very trusting until her bf before me. He was a compulsive liar and a sociopath. Now she thinks I am too. She is 37 I am 39. I think she trusted me at first and now it diminishes every time I lie, or break promises

[Satu]

Yes, I think she was very trusting until her bf before me. He was a compulsive liar and a sociopath. Now she thinks I am too. She is 37 I am 39. I think she trusted me at first and now it diminishes every time I lie, or break promises

 

I mean no offence, but I was hoping that you'd tell me that you're a lot younger.

 

Lying to cover your tracks is very immature, and not something that one would expect from a person your age.

 

You need to eradicate that tendency completely.

You need to understand that lots of little lies are just as bad as any big lie...

 

If there is anything else that you've lied to your girlfriend about, you should man up and tell all, once and for all.

 

Nothing sours a relationship more than dishonesty.

 

Nothing.

 

Do a fearless and ruthless self-examination, and see if there are any other lies you need to confess. If there are, you should tell her.

 

Then ask for forgiveness and a return of trust.

 

Her history might make that impossible, but you have to try.

Edited August 16, 2015 by Satu

[lil hoodlum]

I thought I remembered some of these facts that you have brought up.

 

I am mostly certain that Winterina is your ex/girlfriend.

 

See thread "our conversation today" http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/537016-our-conversation-today

 

 

Details from post 29

 

I tried to think along those lines too, that he does not remember well but is trying. But there is a HUGE difference between 7 month and a week. He told me he did not have interest in anyone for years before he met me. So that was an unnecessary lie. I am afraid he might be one of those sweet talkers who say some things to anyone and everyone to hook them up and make them feel special.

 

 

He has had history of lying with me, and he kissed another woman while with his ex (he volunteered the info).

He promised he will spend every day till the rest of his life being the decent man and a good partner to me. That was last year in May. 3 weeks after that, he lied to me again. First time it was about him going to see the show with some female co-worker. Going to her house to watch scary movies for Halloween. And second time it was about porn. It was ruining our sex life and he promised to quit. He did it again anyways and lied he did not, but the mouse was on the left side...

He lied about smoking weed too. It was a deal that it does not happen for more than once a week. So it was not prohibited.

He lied about that photo I already explained about...

 

 

Funny and sad part is that he did not have to lie about any of these. If he just told me he slipped, I would not be angry. Concerned, maybe, but trust would not suffer.

 

 

When caught in these little lies he lies some more to make it look less bad, instead to stop digging the hole he is in and come clean.

 

 

He took other people's side over mine when I was right and I was alone in his city and needed his support. He was better friends to others than me. He saw only later and regretted only later what he has done.

 

 

Now, he is promising what he promised already few times before, how he is never going to do anything like that again (drive me round and around when I am trying to discuss something and get an answer to concrete questions), how he is always going be honest... He keeps repeating how he wants to marry me and all that.

 

 

Thing is I need to see action and not words, I started hating his words because I heard them so many times.

 

 

He is packed up and moved to another room, did not want to leave. I asked him to. I told him that he lost me in a way, that there is a limit to everything and amount of crap I can take. Its been 2 years. If things were to improve they would have improved by now.

I know there is something like a tough adjusting period for some couples, but mine has devastated me. I felt like I cannot trust him fully, I felt no support when I needed it, only later when the thing was over I would get apologies and will never happen agains.

 

 

I am exhausted.

 

 

We just had the best time at a vacation. So sad good times cannot last longer.

 

 

:-(

[loveboid]

It sounds to me like she is pushy in this relationship and that you weren't that interested from the start.

 

In my mind, if she wants to trust her bf she should find someone who is more interested in her instead of expecting so much from someone who's not as into her as she is in him.

 

With your ADD you could be distracted and not paying attention to how pushy her behavior is in driving this relationship. It could be that you're thinking you're at fault when really you're protecting yourself from this woman. Are you sure you're really that into her?

[Mostly Honest]

First of all, YES,I am COMPLETELY into her. We had something special from the beginning. I was just to dumb to know how to treat her. She wasn't and isn't pushy. She just wants someone honest who will protect her.

 

 

" I was trying to split time between my gf and my mom and it wasn't working. Both said I was not spending enough time with them. My gf only forced herself to leave the bedroom for dinner. And she still feels bad that she heard me laughing with my mom at one point because she told me something funny about my nephew. "

This part is not exactly true. My gf NEVER said I wasn't spending enough time with her. I just felt torn. She never put me in that position, my mom did. And my gf also pulled herself together to come to the beach with us one day, dinner every night, and when my mom was at work we went out to the pool.

 

 

"She was looking at pictures on my computer and found one I took of a woman across the street sunbathing on her balcony or something. It was a while before I even met my GF so it really should have only been an issue because it was creepy. BUT, she asked "What is this?" and I replied "I was just testing my camera". She knew the camera was already 6 months old and I didn't mean to insinuate that the girl just happened to be in the shot. I didn't want to gaslight her (which she says I do all the time)."

 

 

This part needs an explanation too. We argued all night about what I said, not the picture itself. I was trying to make it sound like the woman just happened to be there, but I was obviously taking a picture of the woman. she was in the center and it was zoomed in. My gf just wanted to hear me say it.

[Mr. Lucky]

We never spoke about being monogamous. I ALWAYS had that talk with my girlfriends, she NEVER had it with her boyfriends. Plus, she felt like I was not that interested so I may not respond well to the conversation, considering we were thousands of miles apart. I also went to this other girl's house to watch a movie with her and her roommate a week or 2 after the play.

Then in a facebook conversation I had with a Friend about Halloween plans, I referred to this girl as a dateish thing. I don't know why. We never kissed, we didn't flirt.

 

How is someone you spent a week and a half with on vacation your serious and exclusive GF ??? I would have bailed the moment she started making premature demands. Trouble ahead...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mostly Honest]

Lets be clear, SHE DID NOT MAKE ANY PREMATURE demands. She and I were emailing and skyping back and fourth from Sept to Dec. Then she came to visit me again. That is when she said she had been off the market since we met. There were no demands, no pushing, nothing but the beginning of a strong love. I felt it and wished that I had this talk with her sooner.

[Qboro90]

Sorry to say it but your gf seems like a wacko. You take her on vacation with your mom and family and she doesn't leave the room except to go to dinner? What a huge b:$ch. She gets mad at you for laughing because of a story told about your nephews? So because she's miserable that means you need to be miserable with her? This woman is incredibly controlling and is making you literally remove everyone else in your life besides her. You left your family and country in order to go live in hers?

 

While you do have problems regarding previous indiscretions of craigslist and masturbation I can understand how that would just be an embarrassing thing to confess and be honest to her about. She made you go through your emails 5 years back which is way before you even met her... That doesn't seem odd to you? If I were you I'd seriously re evaluate your relationship with her... Look at how much you've had to give up just to be with her? Is it all worth it?

[Mostly Honest]

It IS worth it and she is NOT wacko or a b:$ch!!! She got really depressed when I lied to her and I hoped bringing her to my mom's would help. It was already a planned trip but she wasn't feeling up to it and she dragged herself there for me. She tried, she was depressed because of ME LYING TO HER!!!

 

 

I am not looking to break up. I thought she may be the one last summer and I still want to have a family with her and marry her if we can right this ship.

 

 

I don't understand why everyone on this site is so quick to just say "bail" or "dump him or her". My question is how can I right these wrongs that I have done to her!?!?!

 

 

All other threads, everyone says words are **** and ACTIONS make the person. So far I am all words and horrible actions. I am running out of hope and time. I don't want to ruin her life by staying with her. I want her to be happy period...I just hope it can be with me

[Qboro90]

It's because some of what you say makes her sound like she's manipulating you to be the man she wants and you're trying to do everything you can to change.

 

The only real serious thing I see that you did was contacting women on Craigslist. If you were being honest and it was just a masturbation/ego boost type thing then you explained that and there's nothing you can do to change it. You need to stop going on those sites, pretty simple.

 

The first 2 "lies" about having gone to see the play before, and not seeing anyone else since you met, are so insignificant and minor that it's surprising she would make such a big deal out of them. Additionally the story about going to your friends play instead of hanging out with her. You didn't even go to the play! She's getting angry with you for the thoughts you have? How can you get angry at someone for having a thought that you don't agree with? You said yourself that actions speak louder than words.... You moved to a different country! That's a big action to be with her. She ever say thanks for that?

[Mostly Honest]

First of all, Let me say that I now DEEPLY regret my thread in the first place. I kept telling my gf that all everyone says on LS is "get out of the relationship". I should have known. I just wanted advice ON HOW TO STAY TOGETHER!!!

 

 

I am not looking for people to be on my side. I just wanted suggestions on how to help fix the problems THAT I CAUSED!!! How come on every thread except this, when somebody lies, everyone says, "dump them" but here I am the one who lied and people are making her out to be a b:$ch or a wacko. I am looking for CONSTRUCTIVE advice or NOTHING.

 

 

It seems that people on LS are looking for arguments and getting in tiffs with each other instead of answering the question that started the thread. I wonder if lil hoodlum didn't post who my gf was if the responses would be the same.

 

 

Also Qboro90, I feel like maybe you are projecting something from your own relationship. I read your threads and I see you as way more controlling (or wanting to be) than my gf. She is not controlling!!! She is not manipulating!!! As for your comment, "You take her on vacation with your mom and family and she doesn't leave the room except to go to dinner? What a huge b:$ch." That isn't exactly right. MY LIES put her in a deep depression and she didn't want to go because she did feel so horrible. But for me, she tried. It was OBVIOUSLY difficult for her. She was sad and broken because of my lies. She still is.

 

 

I WANT PEOPLE TO STOP RESPONDING TO THIS THREAD IF THERE IS NOTHING CONSTRCTIVE ON HOW TO REPAIR MY RELATIONSHIP!!!

 

 

I DON'T WANT PEOPLE MAKING PERSONAL ATTACKS AND CALLING MY GF NAMES!

I don't need an ego boost, I need help. I wish I could delete this thread.

 

Thank you Satu for probably the only unbiased constructive advise.

[stupidkittten]

At first, I was mostly on everyone else's side and some of the way you said things made me feel like you were being controlled but then I read her post and I feel like you may not have been completely honest a few times in your post. (I mean such as when you said both said you weren't spending enough time and then said that didn't really happen)

 

I feel like maybe you have an actual problem with lying. I normally don't recommend someone go to therapy because it's over so played but I really think you need to go. I can completely understand why she's so depressed.

 

My suggestion is go to therapy. Figure out why you're like this. Come completely clean about eveything and try to explain why you lied. I feel like this is going to be really hard for you because of how much you lie but it's ABSOLUTELY necessary. Don't expect everything to go to normal right away but with therapy and time, you should be able to fix it. You've got to SHOW her that you mean it but you can't do that without fixing what's wrong with you.

 

As for the other commenters, you should have probably got your girlfriend to type this for you so she could explain better. Without intending to, you really made it sound like she was crazy and I think it's because lying is so natural to you or twisting things that you don't even realize you do it and you don't do it out of ill intent.

[Mostly Honest]

Thanks stupidkitten, I have been wanting to go back to therapy for a while. Between my ADD, the lying, and everything, I think it could help. Where we are though it is not affordable unless you wait 2 months for an appointment. we are leaving this country soon and hopefully it will be more accessible in our new country... if she still wants me there.

 

 

I did not mean to mislead anyone in my thread. I should have been more specific but there is so much I left out and I thought it was already so long. By me summarizing, I can see that I am making her look bad.

 

 

I love her, but she is at the end of her rope. Neither of us have any friends here. It just gets harder every day.

[stupidkittten]

Understandable. Maybe you should try having the honest talk and let her know everything before then. If she hasn't left you completely then all you need to do to keep her is change. It won't be easy and she won't believe it until you're consistent with it but I don't believe it's the end, until it's actually the end.

[loveboid]

You say you don't know how to treat her. How about allowing her to guide you more? That's what people do in a healthy relationship anyway. In a way this problem is a good thing if she is able to tell you how to love her and you're able to follow her guidance.

[fireflywy]

It IS worth it and she is NOT wacko or a b:$ch!!! She got really depressed when I lied to her and I hoped bringing her to my mom's would help. It was already a planned trip but she wasn't feeling up to it and she dragged herself there for me. She tried, she was depressed because of ME LYING TO HER!!!

 

 

I am not looking to break up. I thought she may be the one last summer and I still want to have a family with her and marry her if we can right this ship.

 

 

I don't understand why everyone on this site is so quick to just say "bail" or "dump him or her". My question is how can I right these wrongs that I have done to her!?!?!

 

All other threads, everyone says words are **** and ACTIONS make the person. So far I am all words and horrible actions. I am running out of hope and time. I don't want to ruin her life by staying with her. I want her to be happy period...I just hope it can be with me

 

You answered you own question. If YOU want to stay with her and make it work, and if YOU think you aren't doing things right, then regardless of what anyone else HERE says or assesses about your relationship, then only YOU can address these things.

 

Get to work on what YOU think you must do.

[ShatteredLady]

I might have this all wrong but to me it seems like you are BOTH deeply in love but bringing a lot of baggage into the relationship. What I would appreciate most (suffering from depression & a history of being hurt & betrayed) is honesty. What I mean is the big sit down, "Please be patient & understanding. I recognize that I have a problem with lieing & I don't know why I do it! I'm trying to fix myself but I need your help & I recognize that you need my help with your depression & pain too. Can't we work together to help eachother?"

 

The problem with little lies is it makes her think that there are much bigger lies you're hiding. You need to really be honest. I don't mean find every lie & correct it. I mean be honest that you have a lieing problem. That you love her so much that you're frightened she will 'go off you' if you confess to silly seedy things you've done in the past. If you can't be honest about taking a photo of a neighbor how can she expect you to be honest about big things like sexual misconduct.

 

I'd appreciate you being vulnerable. Confessing your past & your issues. Show her that you're different now. Getting stoned & whacking off to porn while she's in the next room in bed isn't doing you any favors. It makes you appear addicted & if you can't have the willpower over small things how would you react if another woman threw herself at you?

 

She seems like a nurturer & a carer. Ask her for her help. She makes you want to be a better man but you need her help & support. Be an open book. If you don't want to tell the truth that's exactly when you should be telling the truth!

 

Hold on tight & take a leap of faith. ;-)

[Winterina]

It will be hard to make this one brief. I am already leaving out a lot, so please read this. I/We could use some advice...

 

We met in Aug. 2 years ago while she was on vacation. We spent almost all 11 remaining days together. When she left she tried harder to keep in touch than I did apparently. I was not aware of the issue at the time, but it has struck a nerve she never got over. I DID know we had something special, but never had a long distance relationship, let alone with a huge ocean between us. I didn't know what to expect.

One email in 7 days is what I would get. That would have been ok for anyone else, but this was the guy who claimed he never ever felt anything like that with anyone... You said we had something so unique. I liked you, I was trilled you felt that way. I wanted to talk to you again. Took you one month to get Skype. Your actions and words did not match. So after you did not as much as write to me for 8 days, I told you 'no hard feelings I am going to let you know if I am in your city sometimes and we can get together for a coffee or something. Take care.' You immediately responded with sweetest email ever. You told me you have no time to keep in touch as "all you do is work and sleep" but you will try harder because you really like me and I will always be in your heart no matter what. So I stayed in it. Much later in our relationship I found out you were out after work every single day, hanging and drinking with your coworkers including a girl you took out to a play and called her datish thing. You had time for everything and everyone, but me.

 

She asked me to get Skype, and I was working in a restaurant a lot, then going out for drinks after every shift (around 6 nights a week for 1or 2 months). I did email, (not enough), but it took me 1 month to Skype her because I bought 3 different cameras (the first 2 didn't work). I know I should have made a bigger effort in hindsight.

 

She spent her Xmas money on a plane ticket to come and see me in December instead of her mom (I was unaware if the sacrifice at the time). The day after she bought the plane ticket, I went to see a play with a girl from work. I bought the tickets for the show, so she paid for 2 drinks after. We then went our separate ways, nothing romantic. It shouldn't have been a big deal, but I didn't tell my gf about it. We never spoke about being monogamous. I ALWAYS had that talk with my girlfriends, she NEVER had it with her boyfriends. Plus, she felt like I was not that interested so I may not respond well to the conversation, considering we were thousands of miles apart. I also went to this other girl's house to watch a movie with her and her roommate a week or 2 after the play.

 

If it was that innocent and only friendship why could you not tell me that and why did you feel the need you have to hide it? We were not even committed, but it does not mean that honesty is not required especially because you lied about it also when we became exclusive. When someone buys a flight ticket to come and see you again, because they think all you do is sleep and work (as a reason for not keeping in touch) then you are basically playing with people and being dishonest. You knew you were doing something wrong otherwise you would not be hiding it from me. Makes sense?

Then in a facebook conversation I had with a Friend about Halloween plans, I referred to this girl as a dateish thing. I don't know why. We never kissed, we didn't flirt.

 

"I don't know why I did it." Or "I do not remember." Your favorite answers to everything. Sure you must know why you did it, why you called her a dateish thing and had time to go watch movies at her place but not a 5 min for email or call to me. You told me you hang with her because you thought she was pretty and cool. When I visited again, I was coming to pick you up every single evening from restaurant where you worked not knowing that one of the girls at work is her or that she even exists.

 

December comes and I took my gf to the SAME play. It was my favourite and I wanted her to share the experience. BUT, she asked when was the last time I saw the play and (I don't remember this) I said a couple of years instead of 2 months ago.

LIE # 1

 

 

While in my room on that vacation, she said that she has been off the market since we met. I said I have basically been off the market too.

Lie # 1.5 or 2? I am not sure. I never kissed anyone and didn't try to hook up with anyone actively. But she sees this as a betrayal and cheating.

 

Actually you are the one that said it in the email that you have been off the market since we met. You said and I quote: "

[sIZE=2]"I am glad we talked. Look just to be clear, I am and have been off the market since September."

This talk you are referring happened after you disappeared on me during New Year's eve, did not pick up your phone or call me back until 5 pm the next day.

I discovered that you went out with a coworker only 5 month after all this and that you have not really been "off the market". You also made a deal with another friend of yours to get married in few years if both of you are still single. You are not claiming it was a joke but I asked you about it when I found out you were soliciting prostitutes for years and something much more shocking too. I asked you if there is anything else serious that you want to tell me. Then you said about your marriage deal. And I asked you right there and then if it is something you would really do and you said you didn't know. I asked you to answer me yes or no, and you said, yes, maybe I would marry her, I don't know. Right now you changed that story completely to tell me how you never ever ever even thought about it until I asked you and how I actually made you all confused and you just had to say something so you said yes, I would marry her. Dearest, if it were an innocent joke between friends you would not have told me in the context I asked you, and you would KNOW that you would not want to have anything to do with her along those lines. Instead, you were planning of all of us to get together so she can meet me. Sorry, I could not meet a woman that you told me you might marry some day if things between us do not work...even though you changed that story as you changed all other stories that you saw I don't like. Stick to who you are and what you believe and feel, no matter what. If we part our ways, that's not the worst thing that can happen. This situation, where I don't know who you are, is.

[/sIZE] Skip to her moving to my country for 6 months to see if we have a shot. I am ADD and can be very naive and immature in many ways. I never cleaned people off my Facebook pictures-even after she asked me it took a while because I am an idiot. My friends were not very receptive to her while she was there either. I kept trying to get her involved in my life, but it only pushed her away because I didn't notice my "friends" were ignoring her or flat out being rude to her. I also had 1 female friend who was married and always over and all over me. I was dumb and didn't realize that this girl was manipulating me and I don't know why. We were "besties" for a while. When she would leave I would always get up and give her a hug. I guess it got to be a longer and longer hug over 5 years. So my gf got very uncomfortable and told me to "cut it short" not stop. This "friend" would just hang on though. If I had a brain in my head, I would have stopped hugging her altogether. I grew up hugging everybody and never thought anything of it, guys and girls. But this WAS too much...hindsight again

 

Yup, those cuddling sessions you two had in my presence, her kissing your neck and telling you how much she loves you, her body and yours pressed against each other for two minutes swaying... oh boy, that was hard on me. I told you once and it did not matter. I told you twice, you still went to hug her but only for like 5 seconds but she would hold on to you as you were trying to let go and get rid of her.. It became comical. This woman had to dominate every conversation and she would arrive to your place immediately after I would come for a visit from another continent after not seeing you for months. You and her just went on and on talking and nobody would even look at me. You were 37 then. How clueless about treating a girl did you have to be? How clueless did she have to be? Even though so, I gave this girl a chance and tried to be her friend. But it was not humanly possible and God knows I tried. She would come over whenever she wanted and make you comment on your common friend's naked photos or videos, take all your attention to herself and never pay much more attention to me than she would if I were a house pet. She once did not even say hi to me, and when I asked how did her project go she did not even look at me. Why? And then, after all this, you tell me how you are going to show up to support her in her project, which was a slap in the face to me. You told me how loyal you were to her. What about me? Even though you knew a woman is cheating on her husband with multiple people, is narcissistic and manipulative person. You had her on special phone ring, you had your special place with her as your display photo on your phone... And who was I a year into our relationship? Inferior to someone like that apparently. Not exactly a way to get the bond with me going.

Now that its been broken so many times, what do I have left?

Finally this "friend " was hanging with my roommate one night and flat out ignored my gf and me when we came home and said hi. I was supposed to see her play that month and felt a loyalty to her instead of my gf. BIG mistake. I never went to the show, but it was after a fight so big my gf still feels betrayed by the thought. I finally stopped talking to that "friend"

 

Sad. You just don't have any protective instinct toward me. I told you it hurt me to the core you would just ignore what she is doing to me, to us, and just rush to her side to support her. Now you claim how you did not understand what was going on at the time. But I was telling you what was going on and told you I was devastated by your choice. You did not finally go but that was after an argument with me so I feel like I was forcing it, not that you chose me at the end by your own free will and feelings for me. I sure as hell would never go support a guy who treats you like s*** and brings so much trouble in our relationship.

 

Then my gf made a deal with me to stop watching porn and smoking so much pot. I said if I do smoke or have an urge, I will call you. Well, first I smoked, didn't tell her and then lied about it. She forgave me, and 2 days later, I lied about watching porn. She wanted to know what else I lied about and I said nothing. I have nothing to hide, so I gave her my passwords and my phone to lookup and contact anyone or anything from my past.

 

Yes, we made a deal you would smoke once or twice a week, not every day. Compromising is not your strong side and, being a yes man, you will agree on anything and then go and do whatever you want behind my back. We had many of these... even after this, you still smoked with T at your mother's place 5 times. You have zero self control over anything and as long as nobody can find out, you will try and do whatever you want at the moment and think of consequences later, make your excuses, beg forgiveness. But I am empty already and tired of it all. I know I love you, but I do not feel it as all other feelings are so dominant and it is getting worse every time you screw up.

She first texted the girl I took to the play to ask if there was anything between us. (my suggestion) She texted back "no" but my gf partly thinks I contacted her and told her to say it. Then my gf read my emails going back 5 years or so and I was contacting sluts and prostitutes on craigslist. I kept telling her that even though I was contacting them, I never met up with anyone. I would just look on craigslist and then look at porn and masturbate. That was the low point of my life and that was in place of dating for about 4 years. I stuck to that story until very recently. I did have 1 horrible experience and had a prostitute come to my apartment and she was gross and fat and it was something I blocked out for a long time and thought I would take it to the grave.

We broke up for a week. I was devastated. I swore I would never lie again and meant it. She took me back, but slipped into a huge depression that she is still in, but worse. She has had suicidal thoughts all the time since. I convinced her to come to my mom's for vacation, but she was so depressed and every day said she wanted to fly home. I was trying to split time between my gf and my mom and it wasn't working. Both said I was not spending enough time with them. My gf only forced herself to leave the bedroom for dinner. And she still feels bad that she heard me laughing with my mom at one point because she told me something funny about my nephew. Anyway the worst is that my sister is a ball of fire and my I thought that when my gf said she wanted to go, that it would be best. Rather than have my sister make her feel worse for being depressed and alone. I should have left with her, but my sister and nephews were arriving the same day to see me and meet my gf so I stayed. I cut my trip 2 days short to be with my gf, but maybe I should have come sooner.

 

Happy you corrected some bits of this story.

...But don't you remember that in those 10 days I spent at your mom's we went to the amusement park, we went to a beach one day, we went to row boats on another day, we went to walk dogs on a lake on a different day, we went to walk along the beach in that part of the city and tried to find one tourist attraction which we could not find, we played tennis one day, we ate at that Mexican restaurant, we went shopping for surfboard, we went to see your old highschool and a place you used to live as a kid, we went out with your mother three times for a dinner (she paid for two first so I felt I needed to cover the third one, when I did, she went off at me and gave me 5 min of lecture), I cooked, cleaned, paid for myself, installed with you a new pool cleaner for your mom, we went shopping with her on several occasions and each and every time I was shopping alone and you were with her pushing her cart (and that was ok with me), do you remember we smoked pot with T at your mom's, do you remember that every night we had dinner near pool... All of this in 10 days. That was the real story.

You said in your post I was forcing myself out of the bedroom just for dinner. Do you see that it is a misrepresentation of things? No wonder someone called me a bitch and a wacko. That is actually mild for what I feel I became with you. I feel like a monster.

 

I was deeply depressed at the time. Yet, I made superhuman effort to do all these things and to be with your family and not be a depressed ahole. When I told your mom I was depressed because we had some issue of you lying to me (I wanted her to understand me and I wanted her to get to know me, accept me, be my friend, maybe I missed my own mom), she told me that it was because you were such a nice boy and you lied because you just wanted to please me. I felt so alone and lonely. I was in the room writing my academic book and that was my excuse. You were all the time with your mom (and that was fine with me and I never said a word about that as we did come so that you could see your mom). But then she told you that if you go to the room with me and not hang out in the kitchen with her she will be pissed at you. So you came over to tell me that, we talked, and I told you how lonely I feel and how when I hear you and your mom laugh and I am sitting in the room alone and depressed unable to breathe, with nobody to understand what I am going through... right after that you went to spend time with your mother not to piss her off by being with me and you two laughed out loud some more and talked for hours. So I bought a ticket back to the city I came to be with you. Later on, when I left and you stayed, you promised me you would keep it between us that I think your mom was not nice to me and was interfering into our relationship. ' Don't tell her about anything, just tell her something came up...' but nooo...The moment I went you talked to your mom and she said she does not remember those things she said. And then your sister arrived after me to your mom's. And she hated me without even meeting me. Hated me! She would send her kids to your room to interrupt our conversations on the phone, and when you wanted to leave a couple of days earlier she would try to tell you how you are making a big mistake. You told me on the phone you will buy a ticket and call me in half an hour to tell me when exactly is your flight. But I waited for more than two hours for your call and then I called you just to find out that you are talking to your sister and she is against you leaving. You, the adult, let your sister control your life, tell you worst things about me without ever having met me (just because I left earlier), and make you not call me when you promised you would. When I called to see what is going on you told me a dog bit her kid and you had to deal with that. For two hours! Turns out dog did not bite the kid, there was not even a mark on the kid from that "bite" or whatever it was. Also, there was his mom, grandma, T, mother's friend, so four adults to deal with it. I knew that you are lying to me and misrepresenting things and I felt even more alone. I also left when in few days there was a farewell concert of my favourite band of all times and I bought tickets for us... when I did that you were checking with your sister if she would be pissed that you would leave for a concert with your gf one of the evenings out of 7 or 10 that she was there. Something is really wrong with this picture.

I really like the rest of your family, and they like me (your dad always says he loves me and how I am a good influence on you), I like your dad, stepmother, stepsister and her family, your aunt and uncle and cousin... Even though your mom was so bad to me, I still invited her to come to us on Christmas and was ready to be a gracious host. All for you.

 

Skip ahead to now. I live in her country in her apartment. I left all my friends and family to be with her. She was looking at pictures on my computer and found one I took of a woman across the street sunbathing on her balcony or something. It was a while before I even met my GF so it really should have only been an issue because it was creepy. BUT, she asked "What is this?" and I replied "I was just testing my camera". She knew the camera was already 6 months old and I didn't mean to insinuate that the girl just happened to be in the shot. I didn't want to gaslight her (which she says I do all the time).

That was lie #5.

 

Thanks for correcting that story too in one of your posts.

She kicked me out for 3 days and then I promised not to lie again.

Every time she kept asking "How come 4 years and you never hooked up with a slut or prostitute? There must be something you are not telling if you tried this for 4 years" so all those conversations, I denied until recently and then She caught me lying last month about masturbating in the middle of the night to try to sleep. She asked what I was doing in the bathroom so long and I said, "Just going to the bathroom and then I saw a new wrinkle on my face. " She asked in the bedroom 1 more time and I told her I masturbated, no porn, but I lied about it.

Sad again. You told me three days before that that you masturbated and it was not a big deal. Of all the things, why did you feel the need to lie about something that was not an issue just three days ago?

 

We have not been the same since. She thinks I am checking other girls out with and without her. At a restaurant with her she said she saw me look a woman up and down and stop on her ass. I have no recollection of that. I was trying to get her out of the apartment and do something nice with her. Instead, I guess I looked at some woman's ass!

 

I asked you to look while I'm not around. You say you dont want to do that and you don't do that. But you do do it, even right in front of me, even when it is supposed to be our evening together. Then you told me something along the lines of - maybe my eyes were looking there but I wasn' t. No comment to that. I got pissed (well, more like tired and hurt) and left.

I don't know if there is hope for us. I don't know if staying with her is killing her more and more each day. I DO love her SO much. She doesn't believe me because of all these actions. I haven't protected her from my "friends", or people that mistreat her, or myself! I want to marry her and have a baby with her, but I am stressing her out so much that her hair falls out and she screams and cries all the time and her self esteem has dropped so low. I want to make her better not worse. She is so beautiful to me (inside and out) I would do anything for her and I want her to feel good!

 

I don't know if there is hope either but I know I cannot do this any more. Been telling that for a while but everything has its breaking point and we have reached ours and I am shocked we are still together. It is because things never stopped so that I can get a chance to heal, to forget it all, and put it all in the past and move ahead to something better.

Recently we had a huge fight again. Again because of something that you promised to do but failed to do again. We agreed on no sharing of personal life with women at the office. So you go and tell them the thing (of administrative nature) that devastated me last week and you also tell them that you have prostate issues... You said you thought it was not a big deal. You always "thought" something as an excuse. Everyone knows you have a surgery and health issue, was that not enough of info for your office ladies? Now after two years, you tell me that maybe you cannot promise me any more that you will keep private issues to yourself. Well, better you tell me ever than never.

 

Each time you screw something up, you tell me how sorry you are, what an idiot you are, how it will never happen again... and it does.

Now you are here looking for what? Someone to tell you something different than what I have been telling you for two years? How can anyone make you stop lying, breaking promises, be more honorable and responsible? It just doesn't work with you for some reason. You do know what you need to do and what I need from you, you just never do it, you never stop lying and breaking promises.

You even had a therapist in your life at some point addressing the fact that you answer everything with 'I don't know' and you were not allowed to use that answer as a part of therapy. I would go get my money back because here you are, and still 'you don't know'. You always took easy way out Therapy does not work on you, it is just your way of making it feel like you are doing something and your expectation that someone else will fix things for you.

 

You say you want to be this and that for me each and every time. Why aren't you? But what you want to be and what you are are two different things. I know you "want to" and "wish you" did this or that. But you never do what you want to and wish. I am desperately trying to understand you. How come your words and your actions can differ so much and why are you doing it? (I know what you are going to say and both answers are defeating me - you will say "I don't know", or "because I am an idiot").

Help me understand you. How can I be the love of your life if you are treating me like this?

 

The resentment is killing me in every way possible.

God... I used to be so much fun!!! Now, I am exhausted from dealing with this all and all I want to do is go to bed and never wake up. Or go to mental institution get on the finest tranquilizers money can buy. Either sounds fine.

 

[spanz1]

some people just lie compulsively. even if there is no reason, they chose subconsciously to lie instead of telling the truth.

 

 

But there is no reason for that. Just start telling the truth. Every time. Someone asks you a question...instead of making up some story...just answer truthfully. Get into that habit of always speaking truthfully.

 

 

I do not know if it is too late for this GF or not, but that is the only way...abandon your old foolish ways, tell her you are trying hard, and then go do it