wants to wait until marriage to have sex suddenly

[jerrygordon3]

my 25 y/o GF wants to stop having sex because we have had a very sexual relationship, we ended up breaking up after a year, and have gotten back together, but she says after she dated someone else after us, and we are now trying to work on things and do things right"" she wants to stop having sex until marriage. right after she said this she was kissing me in the car and all over me and grabbed my dick. BUT this isn't the first time she suggested it. the girl is sort of a mess sometimes BUT i love her and would do just about anything for her. She doesn't believe in porn, and was raised in a broken home. however both of her siblings are very god fearing and have awesome marriages. she has had nothing but bad relationships but thinks her and I have something special and she wants to take time to "nurture our relationship, date, and work on our friendship, and wait until marriage until we have sex." I'm honestly tired of weird ups and downs and she's like i said all over the place. she loves sex and we sometimes hook up like 5 times or more a day. we are both, insanely sexual people. SO THIS COMES AS A BIG FREAKING PROBLEM. I am not sure if this is going to work, or if she is just testing me. honestly she's so easy to have sex with. I'm sure a little reverse psychology and she will be ****ing me again, but, we did just get back together and we broke up initially for a reason. but she is really serious about starting over and waiting until marriage. I don't know what to do. i want to be with her. but i don't want to play little games and be tested sexually to see if I'm really all about it. I've been through break up with this chick already and don't want to play any games. is it okay to want to wait to have sex or start working on other areas and avoid sex altogether for a period?

[Mr. Lucky]

BUT i love her and would do just about anything for her.

 

Except understand why she wants to go slow sexually ???

 

Very hard to give much feedback without understanding why you broke up previously and what - besides sex- brought you back together.

 

More details would get you better responses...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MJJean]

I think she has an excellent idea..

 

When we have sex our brains are flooded with hormones that bond us and make us feel good. Those hormone induced feelings can blind us to deal breaker incompatibilities in our partner.

 

By not having sex, you both have a chance to evaluate each other and the relationship with clear heads and be better able to determine if you're a good long term match.

 

You already know you're sexually compatible, now see if everything else lines up.

Edited November 4, 2015 by MJJean

[basil67]

I always see red flags when one person make a unilateral decision which will affect both people in the relationship.

[OldRover]

Sounds pretty strange, and would be a major issue for me. Do you know why she all of a sudden changed?

[jerrygordon3]

very in love, but lots of sex too. she just wants to do things right this time. we broke up because we didn't treat each other with respect. she was sort of a drama queen and was super verbally abusive sometimes. I grabbed her a couple times and held her down, and a huge issue with her was porn and the fact that i was sort of bad with online nudity and stuff. we had a really intense relationship.

 

she just left and we had sex tonight. We went and got take out and then cuddled and we started kissing. i told her we were supposed to be waiting. she jumped my bones. end of story. ya after we split she started seeing someone almost immediately. she says its over but I'm having issues trusting her now. like she just drove home and part of me wonders if she is really going home. I've asked my friend about it and he knows that the breakup was shady but he thinks its normal for people to rebound. thing is she is back, and trying to be a better person in general. her role model is her older sister who waited until marriage to have sex and they have a great marriage. they're both very religious too. ( her sister and her sisters husband.)

 

my deal is even though she is acting crazy about me, she isn't acting crazy anymore. she used to be like obsessed and constantly needing reassurance. now she is just cool and very focused on having a healthy relationship... idk maybe she is just starting over. but part of me has seen that she has a drinking problem and when we split she turned into a different person. and she sort of used me when we broke up. she was acting crazy and controlling and causing me a lot of pain and heartache. even though she was involved with someone else. she strung me along and finally i ditched her after she went from my house to the guys house she saw while we were broken up. Her excuse three weeks later after i ignored her and finally made contact again, was that she wasn't ready to give me up and she also wasn't ready to give us another chance. she met someone new and nice. and for that she apologized profusely. since then she hasn't given me a reason to not trust her. in fact that night about a month ago was the only time i ever caught her lying. but the amount of pain she caused me during the breakup and how cold she was, honestly devastated me, and now that she is back, i have no confidence. the second she said she needed to get home to her daughter i started feeling ****ty about things. i told her and she said if i don't trust her THAT much then we shouldn't be having sex and being intimate.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I dont think it is an out of reason request from her considering you guys are getting back together. If she is saying she wants to wait until marriage, then she is thinking long term with you. Have you guys discussed marriage? Is this your intentions in getting back together now? If yes, then keep in mind you guys have great sexual chemistry. That part doesn't take work for you guys. But something else obviously does. Focus on the issues you do have in your relationship, and do the work that needs to be done. I would venture to say the sex will come sooner rather then later if you put in the work.

[sandylee1]

Have you ever discussed marriage with her?

 

Could this be her way of trying to get marriage from you? Knowing you would find it hard to wait until such a time.

 

If she really wants to wait..then she needs to stop tempting you. ...that's not helpful at all.

 

I think she might be trying to ascertain if you guys have more than sex in common. Whether there is any substance to your relationship asides the sex.

 

If marriage isn't on your mind for a few years....decide if you can handle the lack of sex from her. Only you know what you can accept...but you need to be comfortable with it.

 

Don't marry her just so you can get some..... marriage shouldbe taken very seriously.

[jerrygordon3]

she put on a song. a prayer song that she wanted to show me. she said she listened to it all the time when we were split up. she said that her religious sister reached out to her and was like a guardian angel and has really done a great deal for her. I'm stoked about this. the breakup made me renew my faith, and it seems like the same with her. we both talked and she started tearing up a little bit about her life and finding god again, how her sister was there for her, and after our split she hit rock bottom. she is unhappy working at a bar, and has always had unhealthy relationships. and that I'm the first guy she's ever been like this with. we talked about our faith and just connected a lot tonight. we both have gotten really excited about praying and the religion thing. tonight after dinner we wrote in our journals. in idea her sister instilled, that she write to god in a journal. and i bought one and we just sat and wrote for half an hour. since the first month of our relationship we talked about marriage. but it was unhealthy and wrong last time. now after a break up, a rebound, some time apart, and finding our own ways to god i guess, we are back on and she told me that she finally officially ended things with the guy last night. ( story with this guy is that he is her boss. he was nice, and there when we split. turned out to be all about strip clubs and sort of a drunk. she was hesitant to blow him off because of the work dynamic) idk but she said its over now. and that is where we are now.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Ok, didnt see that last post before... So you broke up, basically she left you after a year to date this other guy. Realized the grass wasnt greener and is now coming back to you. You both have a history of abuse. Now it seems she may be using sex to manipulate you. Yet you see enough to fight for? Then start in couples counseling, you both need it!

[mrs rubble]

she put on a song. a prayer song that she wanted to show me. she said she listened to it all the time when we were split up. she said that her religious sister reached out to her and was like a guardian angel and has really done a great deal for her. I'm stoked about this. the breakup made me renew my faith, and it seems like the same with her. we both talked and she started tearing up a little bit about her life and finding god again, how her sister was there for her, and after our split she hit rock bottom. she is unhappy working at a bar, and has always had unhealthy relationships. and that I'm the first guy she's ever been like this with. we talked about our faith and just connected a lot tonight. we both have gotten really excited about praying and the religion thing. tonight after dinner we wrote in our journals. in idea her sister instilled, that she write to god in a journal. and i bought one and we just sat and wrote for half an hour. since the first month of our relationship we talked about marriage. but it was unhealthy and wrong last time. now after a break up, a rebound, some time apart, and finding our own ways to god i guess, we are back on and she told me that she finally officially ended things with the guy last night. ( story with this guy is that he is her boss. he was nice, and there when we split. turned out to be all about strip clubs and sort of a drunk. she was hesitant to blow him off because of the work dynamic) idk but she said its over now. and that is where we are now.

 

She's a nutcase imho. She's finally broken it off with her boss who's a drunken strip club patron...& she wants you to not have sex & write a journal to God?

i think she needs to have a serious discussion with God before she starts dictating to you!

[TexasMan68]

Sounds like you both going down the right path..keep going and don't stop. Nothing wrong with waiting and showing her that its not just about sex. You'll have plenty of time for that. Remember Southwest Airline has plenty of flights to Vegas if neither of you can wait!!

[jerrygordon3]

I find my mind wandering and I get so stressed out. like ya we were broken up but essentially i felt really betrayed, and she did lie about going home one time and went to his house and i caught her. since then i haven't trusted her when she says she is going home.

[OldRover]

I find my mind wandering and I get so stressed out. like ya we were broken up but essentially i felt really betrayed, and she did lie about going home one time and went to his house and i caught her. since then i haven't trusted her when she says she is going home.

 

Jerry,

 

With the lying and the sex, you DO have some issues. Need to find out what's going on.

[Lion Heart]

Jerry this girl is all over the place. TBH her dropping your frenetic sex life to become all (umm virginal? ) in preparation for M, IDK I sense she's trying to emulate her sister (just a while too late). She's definitely following her sister's advice. That's ok but I think everyone's ignoring ALL this girls many issues right now. Hoping G** will heal all if you all pray enough. Pray for G** to point you all in the direction of an excellent IC for her. She desperately needs to get to the core issues, so she can feel settled and strong for her future. With or without you.

 

A Qualified Therapist is what she needs.

You may benefit from the emotional support of a good therapist too.

Someone suggested a relationship counsellor. I think that it's a sign of times to come if you're seeing a therapist as a couple 1 year in. But it could be the best thing to happen for you both. Prevention instead of cure hopefully.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

[dichotomy]

Well, by not having sex - you will sure be prepared for marriage and kids.