Gf's pressure to propose. What do I do?

[StandsOnWater]

Hi all,

 

I am a 35 yo male, divorced with 2 children. I was married for 10 years and was never truly happy within that relationship. It ended in her infidelity which was a very hard time of my life.

 

I had spent the first couple years apart from my ex dating and trying to rebuild life. Figuring out what I want etc. After a lot of learning I met my now gf. We have been dating a little over a year and a half, almost 2 years actually. She is 31 never married no kids. In dating I realized that not many women want to deal with kids from an ex relationship but she was pretty open to the idea.

 

After a reasonable amount of time, I let her meet the kids and everything went well overall. She had to make some major adjustments to being around kids. Over time I noticed that my kids were becoming very attached to her. Hugging and kissing her etc. About 5 months ago she moved in with me. Things have been good overall. We both have good careers etc. She helps me with the kids, cooks, cleans, we're a team in most sense of the word.

 

Due to her age, she's been pretty forward about getting married. She doesn't want to waste her time and I get that. She says I'm the only man she's ever loved and the only one she's ever wanted to marry. I try to explain that we should take our time, that I rushed into my last marriage and it didn't work out. What makes me mad is that she insinuated that she would have to leave me if I took to long, which made me feel like she just wants some guy to marry her, that it's not that I'm her soul mate.

 

She's made many sacrifices in her life to adapt to mine and I recognize that. I know she does love me and I love her. I don't know what I'm feeling as far as marriage. I've been hurt... Badly. I don't know if I'm supposed to feel like omg I need to marry her. The pressure she puts on me just confuses me more.

 

The things that are maybe holding me back are that she doesn't get along with my Mom really well. Part of this is my mom's fault but it's a factor. Sometimes she's very dominant. She can say whatever is on her mind and it offends people sometimes. It's how her whole family is, I've told her about this and she's improved somewhat. When we first met she was partying all the time, drinking every weekend and I was like that's not going to fit into what I'm trying to do. I like to have fun and have some drinks but I asked her to tone it down and she did. She's almost turned into this ideal step mom. I don't know there's other things but I know I'm not perfect either. Is it OK to say I need more time? Do I owe her a proposal at this point? I do want to get remarried one day and possibly have another child but I don't know how to determine when to make that leap.

[Fleur de cactus]

If you are not ready to propose, you are not ready yet, and I dont think you have to propose her to make her happy. If she loves you she will stay. If she leaves, maybe you are not meant to be together. You still have some concerns so no rush, and I dont think it is right of her to coerce a proposal as one of the condition to stay with you.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Yes, you are allowed to tell her you aren't ready. In fact it is essential that you do. You know how badly it can go when you rush into things.

 

She needs to respect your feelings, however, you also need to respect hers. If marriage is very important to her (which it sounds like it is) then she has the right to have that.

 

As frustrating as it is, women in their thirties have to weigh that up carefully so I don't think it is fair to judge her too harshly for desiring marriage and starting a family. The window begins to close, and they are faced with a choice.

 

You don't want to be responsible for taking that away from her, so allow her the right to make that decision for herself.

 

You have said she fits into your life well and that she tries to improve herself to make you happy, but what you haven't said is how you feel about her on an emotional level.

 

Are you actually in love with her, or is it just comfortable for now?

 

You don't want to repeat the same mistakes just to keep the peace. You have to really want it.

 

Now would be the perfect time for you to really think about those things. Be honest with yourself, so you can in turn be honest with her.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

For me personally the second i get wind that a M is more important than the R, its time to leave. There are a plethora of woman who just want to get married. The act of getting married is far more important than the relationship. These are woman you need to run away from. Not walk, RUN! if you ever get that feeling (and i suspect you have) that its all about the M and not the R, just leave. Zero time in my life for any woman who puts anything else above me. She should feel that about you. There is nothing else in life that compares to just being with you. If all she wants is marriage, find some other schmuck to do it. I want a lifelong partner. Marriage is just a formality for others and for the government, has nothing to do with your relationship.

 

Good Luck.

 

I personally would tell her "if there is a timetable for marriage, than i feel its more important to you then myself. So perhaps we should part ways"

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Either you want to spend your life with someone l, or you want to get married. To me, there is no both. If you want to spend your life with me, then you couldnt give a damn if you were married or not. If you want to get married, you couldnt give a damn weather it was with me or not. Im very black and white on this subject. No room for family beliefs or any of that other BS. People will do all sorts of things against their personal beliefs for love. So do you love me and want to spend your life with me, or do you want to post pics on your facebook page of your wedding and make your girlfriends jealous? Do you need your friends and family to to see you get married, or do you want to spend your life with me, damn what your friends and family think about it. Do you feel like you are too old? Reaching the end of your prime marriage days and that marriage is some sort of social stepping stone that needs to be achieved to find happiness? Or could you give a damn about social status and want nothing more then to spend your life with me?

 

If there is any question where her motives, just leave. Not worth a second divorce.

[StandsOnWater]

It's really hard because after what I've been through it feels so good to hear someone say they want to spend their life with you and there are times when I'm sold that I want it to with her.

 

I've thought about how I'd propose to her, what song we'd dance to, our lives together going forward. We've had lots of good times together. I've been more open and vulnerable with her than any woman in my life. I've cried in her arms and she's comforted me. I think I'd be devastated to lose her. But I also don't have this burning desire to marry her right now. Should I have this feeling of "I need to marry this girl right now" in my heart? Or is everyone a little unsure when going through this.

[StandsOnWater]

Either you want to spend your life with someone l, or you want to get married. To me, there is no both. If you want to spend your life with me, then you couldnt give a damn if you were married or not. If you want to get married, you couldnt give a damn weather it was with me or not. Im very black and white on this subject. No room for family beliefs or any of that other BS. People will do all sorts of things against their personal beliefs for love. So do you love me and want to spend your life with me, or do you want to post pics on your facebook page of your wedding and make your girlfriends jealous? Do you need your friends and family to to see you get married, or do you want to spend your life with me, damn what your friends and family think about it. Do you feel like you are too old? Reaching the end of your prime marriage days and that marriage is some sort of social stepping stone that needs to be achieved to find happiness? Or could you give a damn about social status and want nothing more then to spend your life with me?

 

If there is any question where her motives, just leave. Not worth a second divorce.

 

I agree and I'm not sure I could go through another divorce. It was the hardest darkest part of my life.

 

I agree with this line of thinking. I also know that I do also like the idea of marriage, I just want it to happen naturally.

[angel.eyes]

How does marriage happen naturally? Do you wake up one morning and discover rings have grown on your fingers? Can you explain what your statement means.

 

Do I owe her a proposal at this point? I do want to get remarried one day and possibly have another child but I don't know how to determine when to make that leap.

You most certainly don't owe her a proposal if you're not ready or it's not what you want. But you most definitely do owe her honesty.

 

If your timelines aren't aligned, that's typically a deal breaker. It's no different than other deal breakers--e.g. very different financial philosophies, an inability to tolerate each other's religious beliefs (or lack thereof), opposing views on raising children, or even whether you want to have children.

 

As you learned from your first marriage, compatibility on the basics is critical to the success of any union. "Love" (or more likely a feeling of infatuation and limerance) will not conquer all.

 

You owe her an honest discussion about your timeline to marry or inability to predict when you might be ready to marry or whether you even want to get married.

 

It's perfectly okay to say, I have no idea. But if that's your answer, is it fair to ask her to give up (potentially) her life goals for you? Is it reasonable to ask her to wait around for you to make up your mind? How long should she wait? Until she is 35? 40? 50? 60? At some point, even if you think the person is the perfect match, you have to walk away because they can't give you what you want...In other words, you're incompatible...and not a perfect match after all.

 

If you don't want to remarry. That's fine too. But you're incompatible. Break up and find someone who also doesn't want to get married or doesn't see marriage as important. Your girlfriend does, so it would be a deal breaker.

 

At any rate, try to see things from her perspective, not just your own. I think that might help in your communication on what is a sensitive topic for you both.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I agree and I'm not sure I could go through another divorce. It was the hardest darkest part of my life.

 

I agree with this line of thinking. I also know that I do also like the idea of marriage, I just want it to happen naturally.

 

Best thing you have said IMO. YOU know when its right to pop the question, certainly not me. If you have doubts, thats all you need to know. When there is zero doubt, that is when you pop the question. Not for anyone but yourself! Think of the number of guys who popped the question with doubts, then paid out the ass to support [a woman] he doesnt love after divorce. Zero doubt, or let her walk.

Edited January 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[StandsOnWater]

How does marriage happen naturally? Do you wake up one morning and discover rings have grown on your fingers? Can you explain what your statement means.

 

 

You most certainly don't owe her a proposal if you're not ready or it's not what you want. But you most definitely do owe her honesty.

 

If your timelines aren't aligned, that's typically a deal breaker. It's no different than other deal breakers--e.g. very different financial philosophies, an inability to tolerate each other's religious beliefs (or lack thereof), opposing views on raising children, or even whether you want to have children.

 

As you learned from your first marriage, compatibility on the basics is critical to the success of any union. "Love" (or more likely a feeling of infatuation and limerance) will not conquer all.

 

You owe her an honest discussion about your timeline to marry or inability to predict when you might be ready to marry or whether you even want to get married.

 

It's perfectly okay to say, I have no idea. But if that's your answer, is it fair to ask her to give up (potentially) her life goals for you? Is it reasonable to ask her to wait around for you to make up your mind? How long should she wait? Until she is 35? 40? 50? 60? At some point, even if you think the person is the perfect match, you have to walk away because they can't give you what you want...In other words, you're incompatible...and not a perfect match after all.

 

If you don't want to remarry. That's fine too. But you're incompatible. Break up and find someone who also doesn't want to get married or doesn't see marriage as important. Your girlfriend does, so it would be a deal breaker.

 

At any rate, try to see things from her perspective, not just your own. I think that might help in your communication on what is a sensitive topic for you both.

 

What I mean by naturally is that I want to be able to build our relationship towards the day I wake up and have zero doubts that this is what I want. I do see that happening I feel like we are still learning things about each other even after 1.5yrs. Also, when she pressures me it actually has the opposite effect on me and gives me more doubts. That's just not how it should work to me. It makes me feel like she just wants "any" guy to put a ring on her finger and it's less about building a life with me.

 

I appreciate all your advice and the alternate point of view. I certainly value her, and our relationship. I don't want to hurt her and I agree that honesty is important. I need her to understand that I'm not talking about waiting until she's 40, I'm asking for at least a year of living together and 2-3 years of dating. I think that's pretty normal in most relationships.

[Phoebe]

My last relationship ended over the New Year for pretty much the same reasons. I just turned 33, divorced once, no children. He just turned 39, divorced twice, with three children. We had been together 1.5 years and lived together for about a year. We had had multiple conversations about marriage, children etc and it was talked about mutually in regards to when and not if. However, when I asked him for some kind of time frame he said that he wasn't ready for marriage.

 

I honestly do believe that if you don't feel ready to marry someone after that amount of time and living together then deep down you know that you don't want to marry them, even if you don't want to admit it to yourself. It's easy to cruise through a relationship, but if you find that there is something holding you back from taking the next step it's probably not meant to be.

 

My ex and I have managed a very civil separation and are still friends. It was emotional at first but since we split up all his actions have pretty much confirmed that nagging feeling I would get now and again that I wasn't "it" for him. I'm more at peace now and do not regret the decision that we made together.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I believe there is no reason to rush towards eternity. FOREVER!! most people dont get that concept. "I want to spend my entire life with you" im sorry but there is no time table there. Zero, none! Forever is until you die in this life. No room for a time table in forever. Time tables mean there is doubt. Walk away from doubt!!

[xxoo]

What makes me mad is that she insinuated that she would have to leave me if I took to long, which made me feel like she just wants some guy to marry her, that it's not that I'm her soul mate.

 

.

 

That's not fair. She loves you and wants to marry you. It's heartbreaking for her to know you don't feel the same. How could she stay?

 

Mark my words: you're going to want to marry someone else. You just don't feel it for her. She's looking for confirmation so that she can cut her losses, grieve, and move on, hopefully finding someone who loves her and wants to marry her as much as she loves and wants to marry him.

[BettyDraper]

What I mean by naturally is that I want to be able to build our relationship towards the day I wake up and have zero doubts that this is what I want. I do see that happening I feel like we are still learning things about each other even after 1.5yrs. Also, when she pressures me it actually has the opposite effect on me and gives me more doubts. That's just not how it should work to me. It makes me feel like she just wants "any" guy to put a ring on her finger and it's less about building a life with me.

 

I appreciate all your advice and the alternate point of view. I certainly value her, and our relationship. I don't want to hurt her and I agree that honesty is important. I need her to understand that I'm not talking about waiting until she's 40, I'm asking for at least a year of living together and 2-3 years of dating. I think that's pretty normal in most relationships.

 

If it was about marrying any guy, she wouldn't have changed her ways and adapted to your family situation so well. It is not easy to be a stepparent.

 

A man should propose because he wants to get married. However, a relationship is about the wishes of two people and not just one. You don't owe anyone a proposal. It might be helpful to think about all that your girlfriend has done for you and your children. As you have discovered, not many women would choose to become a stepmother, so the fact that your girlfriend embraces your children makes her quite special.

 

Why was it so easy to move her into your home and get all of the benefits of having a wife without the commitment?

[Anderlie]

I think you guys have moved very fast considering there are kids in the picture. Less than two years together and already living together for five months, her with your kids and you not even sure about the future...

 

How about you step back and really think. In a relationship without kids I would question how fast you're moving considering you aren't having super duper sure about everything love feelings and you're still technically in the honeymoon period. Now is when you're supposed to still think rainbows are coming out of her butt, so to speak. Seeing as you actually HAVE kids who are now attached to this woman you're in a pickle. You shouldn't have involved them in this unless you were totally sure, no matter how long it takes and how much your GF pouts.

 

How much agency do you actually have in this relationship? Are you driving it in any way or have you just kind of been letting it happen?

[angel.eyes]

What I mean by naturally is that I want to be able to build our relationship towards the day I wake up and have zero doubts

Did you have zero doubts when you got married the first time? Are there other life decisions where you had zero doubts (e.g career choice, where to live, where to go to school)? How well does level of doubt correlate with successful outcome or failure in your life?

 

I feel like we are still learning things about each other even after 1.5yrs.

I'm still learning about and periodically surprised by my brothers and parents, and I've known them my whole life. Do we ever stop learning about another person? For that matter, do we ever stop learning about or surprising ourselves?

 

Also, when she pressures me it actually has the opposite effect on me and gives me more doubts.

Not surprising. No one likes to feel as if they're being forced or pressured to do something.

 

But, it sounds as if you just don't want to marry her. But you also don't want to lose what you have because it meets your needs even though hers aren't being met. So you're trying to delay the inevitable by fudging at the edges and throwing up vague, weasely, unattainable hurdles--"at least" 2-3 years, "natural" marriage, "zero" doubts, "know everything about each other," no discussion about when I might marry because that's "pressure" and contrived.

 

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to marry someone. But be honest about it!

 

That's just not how it should work to me.

Should she not communicate when she has concerns? What would you like instead?

 

It makes me feel like she just wants "any" guy to put a ring on her finger and it's less about building a life with me.

Based on everything about your relationship, is this really, truly how you feel? Or is it a tactic to shut down the conversation when she opens up and brings up her concerns?

 

You don't have to answer this here, but be honest with yourself about why you are saying this. Do you really feel it doesn't matter to her whether she dates you or Joe Schmoe after she's changed her life around to accommodate you and your children? Do you feel all her interactions in the relationship have been faked and were just acting? That's really what you're saying when you say who the guy is doesn't matter to her. Let's turn the tables around. How would you feel if she accused you of faking your feelings and lying to her when you came to her with a concern of yours? Would that make you all warm and fuzzy and reassured inside? Or would it prompt you to revisit what you thought you had with the person...what you thought of your partner, and indeed the whole relationship given how much you had changed to accommodate the other person?

 

I truly hope she takes a good look at what you're saying.

Edited January 25, 2016 by angel.eyes

[Babs22]

My last relationship ended over the New Year for pretty much the same reasons. I just turned 33, divorced once, no children. He just turned 39, divorced twice, with three children. We had been together 1.5 years and lived together for about a year. We had had multiple conversations about marriage, children etc and it was talked about mutually in regards to when and not if. However, when I asked him for some kind of time frame he said that he wasn't ready for marriage.

 

I honestly do believe that if you don't feel ready to marry someone after that amount of time and living together then deep down you know that you don't want to marry them, even if you don't want to admit it to yourself. It's easy to cruise through a relationship, but if you find that there is something holding you back from taking the next step it's probably not meant to be.

 

My ex and I have managed a very civil separation and are still friends. It was emotional at first but since we split up all his actions have pretty much confirmed that nagging feeling I would get now and again that I wasn't "it" for him. I'm more at peace now and do not regret the decision that we made together.

 

I agree with Phoebe's take on this topic. I can understand after a marriage and divorce, especially since you were cheated on, that you would be a little gun shy. It does seem like in some ways you moved very quickly. Living together, having your kids feel like your girlfriend is a permanent fixture in their lives. That was fast. Now you have reservations about whether or not she is "The One". It seems a bit late for that. I know people live together to see if they are compatible, but it seems like if you are thinking of trying it out, you must have at least considered that she might be "The One".

 

I dated my current H for 8 years. I lived with him for about 5-6 of those years. He was hesitant for me to move in with him. It kind of happened by default when the apartment I was moving into fell through. I moved in until I could find another roommate and ended up staying. He never asked me to marry him, and I never pushed the subject. He always said, we didn't need a piece of paper to say what he felt. The problem was, I was never sure how he felt either. We ended up getting married and I realize now that it was probably not the right thing to do. It was another default decision. We have been married for 21 years, but I don't know that I ever did "it" for him. I think he got comfortable with me being there, but I don't think I was "The one" for him. In our case, all the waiting and living together did not mean we did not make a mistake. If he truly had the feelings he should have for someone he wanted to marry, he should have asked me to marry me, not waited for it to happen by default.

 

I think you should evaluate your feelings for your girlfriend. She deserves not to be waiting for someone for years to find out if she does "it" for him. She is only 30, but at this point, if she wants to have kids, she unfortunately does not have an infinite amount of time to sit and watch her fertility become more and more of an issue. Her peak reproductive years were in her 20s. Guys don't have to worry as much about that reproductive part as women do. This does not mean you owe her a proposal, this means you owe her not wasting her time if you are not seriously thinking she could be the one.

 

I also think you owe your children not to get so attached with her, if one day she will disappear from their lives.

 

I do like the line from "When Harry Met Sally", when Harry said, "I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." Is it possible that she has already realized that she wants to spend the rest of her life with you? That does not necessarily mean you will come to the same conclusion, but it does mean you need to figure out what it is you want.

[basil67]

There's something else in here I'm not sure that anyone else has touched on: that you may possibly want another child one day.

 

Most girls who are keen for marriage at 31 feel this way because from age 35, their fertility begins to plummet. So my question is: does she want children? Is this related to wanting to marry you? And most importantly, does she know that you're not 100% about having more kids?

 

If you're unsure about marriage and unsure about kids but it's something she really wants, she has no option other than to move on.

[StandsOnWater]

There's something else in here I'm not sure that anyone else has touched on: that you may possibly want another child one day.

 

Most girls who are keen for marriage at 31 feel this way because from age 35, their fertility begins to plummet. So my question is: does she want children? Is this related to wanting to marry you? And most importantly, does she know that you're not 100% about having more kids?

 

If you're unsure about marriage and unsure about kids but it's something she really wants, she has no option other than to move on.

 

She has always been very "if it happens it happens" type of person when it comes to having a baby. She doesn't fee the need to have one of her own to feel complete. It's funny because when we first met she was pretty vocal about never getting pregnant and that kids kind of freaked her out. Now she's changing her mind and when she's around my friends newborn she can't keep her hands off him and I think she kinda is starting to feel like maybe that's what she wants.

[StandsOnWater]

I think you guys have moved very fast considering there are kids in the picture. Less than two years together and already living together for five months, her with your kids and you not even sure about the future...

 

How about you step back and really think. In a relationship without kids I would question how fast you're moving considering you aren't having super duper sure about everything love feelings and you're still technically in the honeymoon period. Now is when you're supposed to still think rainbows are coming out of her butt, so to speak. Seeing as you actually HAVE kids who are now attached to this woman you're in a pickle. You shouldn't have involved them in this unless you were totally sure, no matter how long it takes and how much your GF pouts.

 

How much agency do you actually have in this relationship? Are you driving it in any way or have you just kind of been letting it happen?

 

The relationship has moved fast mainly because that's what she's wanted. She kind of had a " when you know you know" type of mindset. She said she knew I was the one. Her lease was running out on her apartment, we talked about her moving in, it felt like a natural step after a little over a year together. We were already splitting the week up between each other's places. She is the only girl my kids have met. That was a big step with me. When I started to feel like she might be who I'm meant to be with.

 

When I think of moving fast, my ex had a man move into our house like 2 months after I moved out after being cheated on. To me that's moving fast but it is what it is.

 

I feel like I'm driving the relationship in the direction of what I want it to look like based off of past experiences. I have forced her to grow up a little and that's actually a good thing for her. She's said she needed it. When I met her she was still acting like a 21 yo in some ways. She knows how important loyalty is to me and I trust her totally which is also huge for me coming from my past. That took a long time to get there.

[StandsOnWater]

My last relationship ended over the New Year for pretty much the same reasons. I just turned 33, divorced once, no children. He just turned 39, divorced twice, with three children. We had been together 1.5 years and lived together for about a year. We had had multiple conversations about marriage, children etc and it was talked about mutually in regards to when and not if. However, when I asked him for some kind of time frame he said that he wasn't ready for marriage.

 

I honestly do believe that if you don't feel ready to marry someone after that amount of time and living together then deep down you know that you don't want to marry them, even if you don't want to admit it to yourself. It's easy to cruise through a relationship, but if you find that there is something holding you back from taking the next step it's probably not meant to be.

 

My ex and I have managed a very civil separation and are still friends. It was emotional at first but since we split up all his actions have pretty much confirmed that nagging feeling I would get now and again that I wasn't "it" for him. I'm more at peace now and do not regret the decision that we made together.

 

Thanks for your story. Sounds extremely similar to mine. So you must have moved in with him after only about 6 months? I'm glad you were able to remain friends. Honesty is very important obviously.

Edited January 25, 2016 by StandsOnWater

[bigbaby]

Best thing you have said IMO. YOU know when its right to pop the question, certainly not me. If you have doubts, thats all you need to know. When there is zero doubt, that is when you pop the question. Not for anyone but yourself! Think of the number of guys who popped the question with doubts, then paid out the ass to support [a woman] he doesnt love after divorce. Zero doubt, or let her walk.

 

These guys are NOT supporting their ex-wives. They are only paying their fair share (if even that) of the cost of providing for their children. It annoys me when men repeat this mess all the time. It sounds pompous really, as if they believe all of the marital assets should somehow rightly be theirs and not split with the wife, or as if they are the only ones who contributed anything of value to the marriage, or that they are doing anyone a big unfair favor to pay their measly child support. So, just wanted to clarify that wildly inaccurate statement.

Edited January 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
langauge ~6

[Mr. Lucky]

Why was it so easy to move her into your home and get all of the benefits of having a wife without the commitment?

 

Wondered about this too. You were relatively quick to accept her contributions to your life and family, knowing also what her expectations were. Your concerns about her and marriage don't seem to preclude her presently playing the role of wife and stepmom, down to the cooking, cleaning and child-rearing.

 

I get she entered into this relationship voluntarily and with eyes wide open. But I can't help but feel you've used her vulnerability and love for you - and your kids - to place her in the role of unpaid intern. If she's not going to get the job, let her go. Would be even more unfair to expect her to do this for years to come...

 

Mr. Lucky

[xxoo]

Honesty is important. She is being honest when she says that she can't stay if you don't want to marry her. That's only felt as pressure to you because you don't want to lose her. But it's not fair to expect her to stay if she wants to marry you and you don't feel the same way. Imagine how much that hurts her.

 

She's already living with your kids. You should know by now.

[bigbaby]

I really, really don't think you should get married if you aren't sure that's really what you want to do, and you are NOT sure that's what you want to do. Did you already forget what happened last time? Wanna do it again?

 

 

Not even two years together is really not long enough to get married, in my opinion. I heard a psychologist say (and I believe it) that it takes three years to really know someone, the side they don't want you to see as well as the side they do want you to see. That's enough time to see them in many different situations and so on.

 

 

I think you really should not have had her move in, in the first place. Women typically do not think of that as just something convenient or really as no ties and no promises. They think of it as practically an engagement if not more. They won't usually say that because they are trying to get what they want, not scare you off. So, her lease being up was nowhere near a good enough reason.

 

 

Why do I get the feeling you're kind of a sitting duck here, lol?

 

 

Anyway, you and she are in different stages of life. She hasn't been married or had kids yet. As you say, she seemed more like a 21 year old when you met. If I were you, I'd think long and hard about starting another set with another baby mama unless you are rich or don't want to do anything else but raise kids for a very long time. And let me tell you something, the "I don't want to have kids" thing is usually about as solid as when they want to move in with you and say "I don't want to get married." LOL!

 

 

If you marry her, you'll feel like a big mean jack-ass if you don't let her have kids when she doesn't have any!

 

 

So, do YOU really want to go back and do the whole newborn thing, kiddie birthday party thing and so on infinitum, all over again? I mean, ever? How would that make the children you already have feel? How many times does anyone need to go through that?

 

 

Come to think of it, you should probably go get a vasectomy right now.

 

 

Anyway, I'm not sure I'd be all that flattered to have a woman who is starting to hear that baby clock go tick tock say I'm the only one she's ever wanted. Could be, but I doubt it. Especially when she hints that if you don't fork over the ring soon, she may not really want you that much at all anymore.

 

 

If you do break up (and in my opinion, you should. If you keep going at this rate you'll have a half dozen sets of kids and baby mamas by the time it's all done. Slow down and think about your whole future, not just this one woman you've been with for less than two years and what she wants).

 

 

Anyway if I were you, and you do break up, I'd seriously consider sticking with women who are in the same stage of life as you are.

 

 

When you say women don't want guys with kids, that sounds like you are going for the younger women who don't have their own kids yet. I'm sure most of the ones without kids don't prefer someone with kids.

 

 

But most of the ones your age don't feel that way because by then nearly everyone has kids, including tem. If you went for women a few years older than you rather than younger, it's likely their kids would be grown and that bullet would be dodged completely. Just think, all that extra time and money would be for you! When you try to go back in time, this IS the kind of pressure you'll get over and over again.

 

 

The divorce rate for second marriages is even higher than for first marriages. Think carefully. Also, don't string her along because she deserves those same experiences you already got. If you don't want to marry her soon (and it really does not sound like you do), you need to let her go so she has time to get to know someone else properly and have her kids before that fertility drops. That's only fair.

 

 

So, your question about if it really mattered that you weren't eager to get married again. It just sounds like you are not valuing your own wishes enough. Best wishes to you, either way!