I'm having trouble with our open marriage

[JRP]

My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. We've had an open-relationship/open-marriage for most of that time (about 4 years). But it's only open on his half, I don't stray from the marriage and never have. He has sex with other women, 2 specific ones, 0-3 times a month.

 

We don't have sex, never really have. We've done sh**ty attempts at it but because of me it doesn't work so we haven't really had sex (of any kind). He gets all of those needs filled from other women.

 

It's getting increasingly hard to be OK with it. We (he) have always had honesty. We have specific days/times when he can do it and I know if he's going to. It breaks my heart every time he walks out the door and when he comes home and gets in the shower. Every part of me hurts.

 

On every other level, we're good. But this one part I am having trouble with. But it's been going on for 4 years it's not fair for it to bother me this much now.

[seamos]

When you both originally discussed having an open relationship (you did discuss it right?) were you in favor of it then or was this something you were pushed into? From the sound of your post it would seem you never really wanted this type of lifestyle.

 

If that's the case then he sounds like a bit of an ass and not like a husband. For him to act that way w/ no consideration of your feelings wouldn't you be better off divorced where you can find someone who will be a fair partner in marriage?

 

If this was something you agreed to willingly then found yourself unable to deal w/ the emotions involved then you should be able to talk to your husband about it and make the necessary changes.

 

Either way it sounds to me like you're being treated unfairly.

[seamos]

I reread your post and noticed the part about the lack of sex because of you.

 

Is this because of a medical reason, low libido, or something else?

 

I believe it's important for partners to be able to have their sexual needs (within reason) taken care of in the relationship.

 

But still there are a lot of ways this can be accomplished and both partners must be willing to work together to find a mutually acceptable way to deal w/ this.

[Poppyolive]

"It breaks my heart every time he walks out the door and when he comes home and gets in the shower. Every part of me hurts."

 

This is the saddest. I assume he knows you feel this way? Why continue feeling like this? It's not good for you, at all. Whatsoever. You deserve much much more.

 

I'm interested to know why you both don't have sex together? Hasbit always been this way? Why? How about your needs?

[dichotomy]

JRP

 

I am sorry for your pain.

 

If the lack of sex has always been "because of you" and you had an open relationship even before marriage - and it appears nothings new right now - what the alternatives choices ?

 

You going to start having sex with him ?

 

You going to tell him he can't have sex at all ?

 

Divorce ?

 

Or is it a matter of you two working through your recent change in how you feel about your relationship arrangement? Has be been less loving or kind or a good partner ? I understand that in open marriages there is supposed to be a lot of honesty and communications and expectations or rules- have you talked to him?

Edited May 28, 2016 by dichotomy

[elaine567]

Is the sex really "sh**ty" or is this just being used as an excuse by your husband to have an open marriage, so he can sleep with other women.

Have you ever had sex with anyone else?

[mikeylo]

Why did you marry ? Why are you still married ?

 

I doubt he will consider anything from your end because you probably agreed to it before marrying. While he should but he won't. That's the problem.

[CarrieT]

JRP, based on your very first thread here in 2012, I'm assuming your then-boyfriend is now your husband and you have had these issues for years and agreed to an open marriage from the get-go.

 

The bigger question is what have you done in the way of therapy to get over and manage the abuse you suffered? Are you able to be a sexual being at all or is your lack of sexuality why you agreed to an open marriage in the first place?

[privategal]

Regardless of anything...thank you for your bravery in telling your story.

I think you are quite brave and amazing for having the courage to allow an open marriage. That takes a strong person.

Likely your husband wont be able to cut out that portion but you need to tell him your full heart and find out the options for you both.

You also likely arent going to turn into a sex vixen overnight with him either so you cant make promises to be what these other women are for him.

Im sure he loves and adores you.

If your boundaries changed how about ppssibly splitting up but amicably and down the line you could have a beautiful supportive friendship?

Either way I admire you and am rooting for you.

[stillafool]

OP, why aren't you out having sex with other guys? Let your husband know what it feels like to be you in this situation. Go get your needs met because3 he's not doing it for you.

[CarrieT]

OP, why aren't you out having sex with other guys? Let your husband know what it feels like to be you in this situation. Go get your needs met because3 he's not doing it for you.

 

Have you read her previous thread? Sounds like she is asexual due to some previous abuse.

[66Charger]

As difficult as it is to deal with the "open" marriage, it is also a difficult ask of your husband to go without sex for years. The only bad guy here is the X sexual abuser who did this to you.

 

I think you need a time out on the open marriage. Ask your H to give this one final shot. If after 6 months or so, of deep counciling, you just cannot overcome, then make the decision on divorce or the status quo. Do you or your H want children?

[JRP]

And yes before it's mentioned, I spent a lot of time in therapy and tried many different kinds. Including a 3 month in-patient. Therapy does not fix everything, people seem to think you spend some time there and you're good as new.

 

When you both originally discussed having an open relationship (you did discuss it right?) were you in favor of it then or was this something you were pushed into? From the sound of your post it would seem you never really wanted this type of lifestyle.

 

It's something that we had a discussion on and both agreed to about a year and a half into the relationship. To make the relationship work, or at that point, to try and save it.

 

I reread your post and noticed the part about the lack of sex because of you. Is this because of a medical reason, low libido, or something else?

 

There was sexual abuse in my relationship before my current one.

 

This is the saddest. I assume he knows you feel this way? Why continue feeling like this? It's not good for you, at all. Whatsoever. You deserve much much more.

 

I'm interested to know why you both don't have sex together? Has it always been this way? Why? How about your needs?

 

There was sexual abuse in my relationship before him. We've never really had sex together. The extent of our sexual relationship is boob and butt touching. I could go without sex for the rest of my life and be fine. I don't have any sexual desires.

 

My husband does know -to some extent- how I'm feeling. But it's the thing that made our relationship work and we agreed on it before we were married. We're happy otherwise and I don't want to throw it all away because of me.

 

If the lack of sex has always been "because of you" and you had an open relationship even before marriage - and it appears nothings new right now - what the alternatives choices ?

 

You going to start having sex with him ?

 

You going to tell him he can't have sex at all ?

 

Divorce ?

 

Or is it a matter of you two working through your recent change in how you feel about your relationship arrangement? Has be been less loving or kind or a good partner ? I understand that in open marriages there is supposed to be a lot of honesty and communications and expectations or rules- have you talked to him?

 

It's not as easy as just have sex with him. It's something that -at this point- I don't think would ever happen. But I feel like it's not fair for me to say that he can't have sex. He still has needs that he needs met and we agreed to an open relationship/marriage before we married. I don't want to divorce.

 

Is the sex really "sh**ty" or is this just being used as an excuse by your husband to have an open marriage, so he can sleep with other women.

Have you ever had sex with anyone else?

 

The extent of my sexual experience comes from what I experienced in my relationship before my husband. It was never consensual. So no, I've never had (consensual) sex with anyone else.

 

Why did you marry ? Why are you still married ?

 

I doubt he will consider anything from your end because you probably agreed to it before marrying. While he should but he won't. That's the problem.

 

Because I love him and he loves me. We get along -personality wise- really well. We have very few problems living together and are very similar in how we live. I felt comfortable with him and I don't with a lot of people. He was happy to be with me which is saying a lot.

 

JRP, based on your very first thread here in 2012, I'm assuming your then-boyfriend is now your husband and you have had these issues for years and agreed to an open marriage from the get-go.

 

The bigger question is what have you done in the way of therapy to get over and manage the abuse you suffered? Are you able to be a sexual being at all or is your lack of sexuality why you agreed to an open marriage in the first place?

 

I've gone through numerous different kinds of therapy. It only helps to a certain extent, it doesn't completely erase what happened. We agreed to an open marriage (and before that relationship) because I can't have sex (of any kind) with him. He is not the same way and has a high sex drive so we compromised for the relationship.

 

[]

Edited May 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post redacted ~6

[Cherryz]

Marriage is made for 2 people.

Marriage is made exactly to stop people from sleeping with many different people.(biblical).

 

Sex between a husband and wife is very important. Sex bound people and so much more. Its not just having intercourse.

So for you guys to share it with other people only will lead you closer to divorce.

If there is a issue in the marriage sexually, it should be solve between you 2 and if needed seek help of a professional.

 

When you start breaking the unit of a marriage between a man and a woman

you open the door to many things you may not even thought about.

Some are: STD, pregnancy with another women, falling inlove with another women,people not respecting you as wife atall and walk over you and walk in and out of your marriage and sleeping with your husband.etc.

Its normal what you are feeling. And you need to tell your husband and put a end to this open marriage.

CHose one or the other. You cant be married and also sleep with others.

 

Often its because of issues that people are afraid to deal with or they running from taking responsibility so they chose for "open marriage".

Once you chose to marry, your attentions and focus should be the other person.

 

Your husband is bounding/connecting with someone else now true sex, thats why he cant do it with you.

Thats why its not helping any of you to have sex and get closer.

Be honest to him. And have a normal marriage how it made for.

 

And face your issues and marriage issues. Dont run from them or try to use escape doors like "open marriage" or "i dont mind".

Face the issues work on them together so your marriage can work in a healthy way.

 

Ps: even when you married, you teach people how to treat you! you ok with whatever,you get whatever.

[66Charger]

10 characters

Edited May 28, 2016 by 66Charger

[Clockwork]

To the OP, you are answering your own question in your own post. Heck, you are answering it in the thread title! Never, ever, ever, have an open marriage. It is oil and water. Someone ALWAYS will get hurt. Someone always will be more "into it" than the other one. Nothing good comes from it. Why even get married? Why bother? It is more than just a piece of paper, or it is supposed to be at least.

[Tayla]

op? What makes you be attached and carry such sorrow?

 

Let's call the act of sexual relations "chocolate".

 

You have no desire or even wish to have this chocolate. It's connected to a traumatic event.

 

Your spouse likes chocolate and even craves it.

 

So you both say, fine it's okay to have.

 

So where is this emotional response coming from?

 

I want to understand your concerns.. Yet I don't see where it was articulated what exactly about your hubby consuming chocolate bothers you? You conveyed that it holds no value for you.. So if that is true.. Then something in you does have value and is sad.. What would you say that is?

 

Take some time and discuss this with your husband.. Open marriages usually do have guidelines...

[Gemma1]

I have an open marriage as well, and like yours, it's only open on his side. Unfortunately I don't have any good advice for you, since my situation is a lot different. You just don't have many options here. The people saying to NEVER have an open relationship or that your husband is a jerk are way off, in my opinion. You can't have sex, so the only way for you to be married is for your partner to either be asexual or get his needs met elsewhere. I think you guys have come to the only solution that will allow you to remain married. And your husband still only gets to have sex 0-3 times per month? And he knowingly entered into this situation, knowing you would likely never have sex and that his sex life was going to be greatly diminished? He must REALLY love you.

 

I hope you can come to terms with it. Have you tried counseling for this specific jealousy issue? Maybe the sexual abuse is too difficult to overcome, but tackling jealousy might be easier. I wish you the best!

[dreamingoftigers]

I dont mean to 'pile on' or try to 'solve you.'

But I did try a really great therapy called EMDR.

 

Have you tried it?

 

It knocks out the trauma portion of the memories without killing your instincts etc. They use it for combat veterans etc.

 

----------------------------

How do you want your relationship with your husband to look like?

 

What are you hoping for with him?

[elaine567]

Every part of me hurts.

 

Seems the solution is very obvious, this open marriage is killing you, but you refuse to consider divorce, so I am not sure what to suggest as you have been through the therapy option and nothing has worked.

 

You both agreed to the open marriage, not because either of you were predisposed to that particular lifestyle but because it solved the sex issue and allowed you two to get married.

I feel that this is just a temporary fix, you are already hurting badly and unless your husband is of the non-monogamous type, then this will not really work out long term for him either.

One day he will realize he is getting attached to one of the women he has sex with and you will then become completely redundant or a source of resentment for him.

The old saying that "Women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved…'' may not be completely true for all, but sex and love are inextricably linked for most, and you are essentially subcontracting the sex part out to others. Do not be surprised if he then ends up falling in love with a sexual partner or feels he wants a more rounded relationship where he gets to make love to the "love of his life" whenever he feels like it. What about children? Is he totally on board with the fact that this marriage will be childless?

 

YOU say things are great otherwise, I beg to differ, this is a huge elephant in the room and no doubt is affecting every part of your relationship with your husband.

You cannot just switch on and off such hurt, it doesn't work like that.

 

YOU can either choose to spend your life as a martyr to this open marriage, or you can go find a more sexually compatible partner.

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm really sorry for the abuse you've suffered.

 

 

That said, at this point in your life you're unable to have sex because of it, and don't seem willing or able to do anything to change that inability to have sex.

 

 

You married someone who is not asexual. I'm sure his ideal in life isn't to have a wife that he is unable to share that bond with either... you've both made compromise to try and make things work. If it's too hard for you, you may just need to leave him and find a different partner who is also asexual.

 

 

But if your marriage is otherwise what you want/need in life, you may need to find a way to resolve this in your heart.

[BettyDraper]

Seems the solution is very obvious, this open marriage is killing you, but you refuse to consider divorce, so I am not sure what to suggest as you have been through the therapy option and nothing has worked.

 

You both agreed to the open marriage, not because either of you were predisposed to that particular lifestyle but because it solved the sex issue and allowed you two to get married.

I feel that this is just a temporary fix, you are already hurting badly and unless your husband is of the non-monogamous type, then this will not really work out long term for him either.

One day he will realize he is getting attached to one of the women he has sex with and you will then become completely redundant or a source of resentment for him.

The old saying that "Women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved…'' may not be completely true for all, but sex and love are inextricably linked for most, and you are essentially subcontracting the sex part out to others. Do not be surprised if he then ends up falling in love with a sexual partner or feels he wants a more rounded relationship where he gets to make love to the "love of his life" whenever he feels like it. What about children? Is he totally on board with the fact that this marriage will be childless?

 

YOU say things are great otherwise, I beg to differ, this is a huge elephant in the room and no doubt is affecting every part of your relationship with your husband.

You cannot just switch on and off such hurt, it doesn't work like that.

 

YOU can either choose to spend your life as a martyr to this open marriage, or you can go find a more sexually compatible partner.

 

This. It is clear that open marriage is not a good long term solution for you and your husband. Something has to give and unfortunately the marriage cannot continue like this. I don't think this will work out in the long term unless you can heal from your sexual abuse history. It's clear that you cannot tolerate an open marriage so either healing or divorce are the only solutions.

 

As a sexual abuse survivor, it hurts me to see someone miss out on the pleasures of lovemaking because of trauma inflicted by a monster. Sex in a happy marriage is truly a bonding and transformative experience. I rarely have flashbacks but when they happen, my husband and I stop what we're doing and he will hold me. He has also been very patient with my formerly rigid boundaries around sex.

 

Do you think that your husband can help you work through your sexual trauma? Have you read any books about healing from sexual abuse? If not, one that I recommend is "The Sexual Healing Journey" by Wendy Maltz.

[Just a Guy]

Hi JRP, others have given you valuable advice and you certainly need to reflect on it all. Having read your original post I have to say that you are caught between a rock and a hard place. My own impression is that your husband has compromised tremendously in having married you inspire of knowing that you are asexual whereas he is just the opposite. I think it would have required a great deal of sacrificing on his part to agree to a binding union with you knowing he was never going to be able to have sex with you. As some one else has said, it may only be a matter of time before his own needs supercede his desire to stay with you and humour you in a lop sided union. Resentment will creep in and an otherwise beautiful relationship will sour and go down hill.

My own thinking on this is that barring a miracle whereby you recover your sexual desire and become sexual with him, the two of you should amicably call it quits and if required, maintain a platonic relationship posy divorce so that you can have some of the benefits of his company without being an albatross round his neck. Whatever you may think or feel about your relationship, the fact is that it is deeply flawed and is not likely to last beyond a point of time.

Although you have stated that you do not want to divorce your husband, the truth of theatter is that you may be selfishly holding on to him forcing him to get his sexual needs met elsewhere. If you truly love him let him go and find a partner who complents him in every way. Otherwise make it a point of relentless effort to overcome your asexuality, assuming it is something that was brought on by abuse and is not a natural component of your physiology ke something that was already within you as a natural part of your physical make up.

I would also suggest you try regression under hypnosis as a course of treatment offered by specially trained psychiatrists. Such therapy I nelieve , helps one relive the actual trauma under hypnosis and a repeated number of sessions help relieve the block which is causing the problem. If you Google the names of psychiatrists who offer such therapy youmay be able to locate one in your area. Be kind to your husband if nothing else. Warm wishes.

[JRP]

Trust me on this, I would love to be able to have sex with my husband. I would much rather we have sex than he has sex with other women. I do not like essentially sharing my husband with other women. I would love to be able to be able to share that with him and give him that. I know that people bond through sex and I feel like he is closer to a bunch of other women than he will ever be to me. They have shared something that we won't.

 

He knew going into the relationship what it would be like. There was no surprises. I am not trapping him or holding him hostage in a marriage he doesn't want to be in.

 

We've tried to have sex but I can't do it. I can't handle it. I try to push myself to just do it. But even if I manage to make myself do it, it's still going to be better with the other women. It will always suck with me, if we ever managed to.

 

Whenever I try to talk to people about this I always get made to feel like I'm some terrible person who is forcing a man into the worlds worst marriage. And I'm forcing him to sleep with other women because I'm too lazy to try. And that I should set him free so he can find a real woman and I should just stay alone, forever. That he's some great, amazing guy for being willing to be with me and I'm a terrible person. Or that our marriage isn't a real relationship/marriage because we don't have sex. All the feelings are the same, I still love him the same. I don't want to lose my husband anymore than anyone else in a happy marriage does. I do meant forever.

 

He doesn't want kids.

 

I talked to him last night about my feelings. He said he would stop if we try to have sex or do anything at all (hands, mouth). He wants to try over the clothes touching, tonight. It's something that's so simple, but so hard for me.

[devilish innocent]

Have you looked into the forums at AVEN?

 

http://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/41-asexuality/

 

There are many people on there who for various reason aren't interested in sex despite still wanting romantic relationships. Some of them may have had similar experiences and be able to share what has worked for them.

Edited June 1, 2016 by devilish innocent