Asking my wife for an open marriage (sensitive topic) [updated]

[brjen]

Let's start this by saying I'm not a ginormous D-bag. Give me the benefit of the doubt for a second here.

 

I am 35 and I have been married to my wife for 10 years, together for 12 years. She is 33. The beginning of our marriage was picture perfect. Sure we had normal couple squabbles but we were happy, very happy. We started having problems when trying to conceive children with no results. We went in for testing to see if there was a medical cause and discovered my wife was infertile, with about a 0.5% chance of conceiving naturally. We did the rounds of IVF, nothing stuck and we mutually decided to stop and adopt (which we never did).

 

4 years into our marriage my wife was sexually assaulted by a group of men while walking home. It has taken more than a toll on the relationship, it has almost destroyed it. That is my wife, the love of my life and I will always stand by her side.

 

That assault happened 6 years ago. She has gone through a lot of therapy, continues to this day. We have done solo therapy, couples therapy, sex therapy. She see's two of the best sexual assault therapists in this part of the country. Who my wife is as a person, I have gotten that part back. Outside of our sex life, she is the person who I married and we are finally happy again. In the bedroom, however, not so much. Not at all, in fact. I haven't so much as seen her naked or touched sexually in 6 years.

 

It has been extremely difficult and thus far I have not strayed from my marriage. I love my wife, with every inch of my being. I will stand by her side through everything. This whole process as been extremely difficult. The first year of her recovery she wouldn't even speak, make eye contact, show any sign of life or even eat, she was in a facility being tube fed and staring at the wall. She was alive and she was physically healthy, but my wife was not there.

 

I am having a very hard time with no sex at all. I have always had a very high sex drive (we use to have sex twice daily), I had a colorful past before I met my wife. Not having a hint of sexually intimacy is, to be honest, making me miserable. Self-pleasure only goes so far, it doesn't solve the need for a partner, to be wanted. I have thought about it for a long time but have yet to mention it to my wife.

 

Is it complete marriage suicide to propose an open marriage? With rules of course, not willy-nilly screw whoever you want, wherever, whenever. When she is upset she has told me to find someone else or sleep with someone else. But she is upset and it's not a real conversation. Deep down I know she doesn't want that, she also doesn't want to lose her marriage. I don't know if I can go the rest of my life without sex, or kissing.

[bubbaganoosh]

I'd be willing to bet the house that she would like to have her sex drive back too but with what she had to go through, I can see why she's like she is.

 

She didn't ask for this to happen and I can understand where your coming from, but to spring a topic of an open marriage on her and I think all the hard work you two have gotten will go out the window.

 

You said you talked to sexual assault therapists before so why not ask them about this problem and here what they have to say?

 

Please don't bring up the open marriage topic. She's had enough and doesn't need anymore.

[BettyDraper]

I sympathize with your frustration but bringing up the possibility of an open marriage will hurt your wife even more.

 

Maybe a trial separation would be helpful.

[DKT3]

I'd be willing to bet the house that she would like to have her sex drive back too but with what she had to go through, I can see why she's like she is.

 

She didn't ask for this to happen and I can understand where your coming from, but to spring a topic of an open marriage on her and I think all the hard work you two have gotten will go out the window.

 

You said you talked to sexual assault therapists before so why not ask them about this problem and here what they have to say?

 

Please don't bring up the open marriage topic. She's had enough and doesn't need anymore.

 

Yes, but should he have to totally shut down that part of his life at such an early age?

 

Difficult situation, because after 6 years the only option shouldn't be go without or divorce, and I'm not sure how I would feel about a wife who expects that.

[BettyDraper]

Yes, but should he have to totally shut down that part of his life at such an early age?

 

Difficult situation, because after 6 years the only option shouldn't be go without or divorce, and I'm not sure how I would feel about a wife who expects that.

 

Ordinarily I would agree that expecting a spouse to go without sex is unreasonable.

However, the OP's wife has suffered a tremendously traumatic ordeal.

 

He shouldn't have to stop having sex and she shouldn't be made to do something that traumatizes her even more.

That's why I suggested a trial separation.

[DKT3]

I sympathize with your frustration but bringing up the possibility of an open marriage will hurt your wife even more.

 

Maybe a trial separation would be helpful.

 

How would that help? I'm guessing there would still be an expectation of fidelity.

 

I actually think the subject should be put on the table, how is where I get stuck.

[DKT3]

Yes, but should he have to totally shut down that part of his life at such an early age?

 

Difficult situation, because after 6 years the only option shouldn't be go without or divorce, and I'm not sure how I would feel about a wife who expects that.

 

The thing is he has been by her side, I honestly believe this has had to at least crossed her mind that at some point he will turn somewhere for sex...six years is an awfully long time.

[brjen]

I'd be willing to bet the house that she would like to have her sex drive back too but with what she had to go through, I can see why she's like she is.

 

She didn't ask for this to happen and I can understand where your coming from, but to spring a topic of an open marriage on her and I think all the hard work you two have gotten will go out the window.

 

You said you talked to sexual assault therapists before so why not ask them about this problem and here what they have to say?

 

Please don't bring up the open marriage topic. She's had enough and doesn't need anymore.

 

She has said she wishes she could want to have sex again but doesn't and doesn't think she ever will want to.

 

The issue has come up while talking to a sexual assault therapist and a sex therapist. One said it wouldn't be a good idea if we want our marriage to survive. The other said it has worked for other couples but both parties have to be on board and the wife has to be able to separate sex from the marriage. View it as purely an external need, like getting a massage, a haircut, or a nails done. My wife didn't want to do that because she didn't want to share me, didn't want someone to be better than her, didn't want someone else to do something for me that she can't and didn't want me to decide to leave. It hasn't been discussed in at least a year, maybe 2.

 

I don't want to hurt my wife. My heartbreaks every time I hurt her. I don't know how long I can go without a speck of intimacy. I don't want it to come down to an open marriage or divorce but that may be something that happens...

 

I sympathize with your frustration but bringing up the possibility of an open marriage will hurt your wife even more.

 

Maybe a trial separation would be helpful.

 

I really don't know what she would find worse. Staying together but me fulfilling sexual desires elsewhere, me requesting a "break" so I can have sex, or divorce. The one thing she has consistently said through this process is that she doesn't want to lose me. She has also said that if I leave her she'd die alone because no one would deal with this unless they really loved her, and they wouldn't give her the time to fall in love. She wasn't saying that in a controlling/manipulative way at all, she was genuinely upset and I brought it up first.

 

I don't want to lose my wife, I really don't.

 

The thing is he has been by her side, I honestly believe this has had to at least crossed her mind that at some point he will turn somewhere for sex...six years is an awfully long time.

 

Oh yeah. Every time I go out with friends she gets upset and worried. She can't sleep until I'm home. She never accuses me of anything, and doesn't press for what I did. When I get home she says how much she loves me, etc. I honestly don't know if she believes me that I'm not sleeping with other women. She has asked me if I want to, but then gets quite upset.

Edited September 17, 2016 by brjen

[JewelD]

I definitely would not ask her about an open marriage. I think that would be intense for any relationship, let alone one where a spouse has been a victim. She might say yes because she doesn't want to be alone but you already know that's not what she wants.

 

I also don't think you should feel obligated to stay with her if you don't think you can be happy in the marriage without sex. 6 years is a very long time. It seems the best option for the both of you would be to separate.

[brjen]

I definitely would not ask her about an open marriage. I think that would be intense for any relationship, let alone one where a spouse has been a victim. She might say yes because she doesn't want to be alone but you already know that's not what she wants.

 

I also don't think you should feel obligated to stay with her if you don't think you can be happy in the marriage without sex. 6 years is a very long time. It seems the best option for the both of you would be to separate.

 

I think part of the reason I want to stay is because I worked so hard and put in so much effort and I don't want it to have been for nothing. Of course it would have been easier to walk away but I love my wife and envisioned the rest of my life with her by my side. Another reason is because of her. I don't want to hurt her and I don't want her to be alone. She doesn't really have anyone else and a divorce would be very hard on her.

 

The biggest part is that I love my wife. I don't want to lose her. I can't imagine life without her, and I don't want to. I took kids out of the picture, that's ok I can live with that. The basic human need of sex though, it's getting tough.

 

I also don't want her to feel forced into opening the marriage just to keep me.

 

I'm kind of at the point like.... if we try and open marriage and it ruins the marriage we haven't strayed too far off because we'd probably get divorced either way. So maybe it's worth trying because we can't get any closer to divorce than we already seem to be.

 

I have friends that have said to have sex with someone else and just not tell her about it. She already expects it on some level. I can't do that though.

[Marc878]

Its a no win situation. Asking for an open marriage will end it but going without sex for six years will end it too.

 

Separation or divorce. You can't be expected to live like this.

[JewelD]

I think part of the reason I want to stay is because I worked so hard and put in so much effort and I don't want it to have been for nothing. Of course it would have been easier to walk away but I love my wife and envisioned the rest of my life with her by my side. Another reason is because of her. I don't want to hurt her and I don't want her to be alone. She doesn't really have anyone else and a divorce would be very hard on her.

 

The biggest part is that I love my wife. I don't want to lose her. I can't imagine life without her, and I don't want to. I took kids out of the picture, that's ok I can live with that. The basic human need of sex though, it's getting tough.

 

I also don't want her to feel forced into opening the marriage just to keep me.

 

I'm kind of at the point like.... if we try and open marriage and it ruins the marriage we haven't strayed too far off because we'd probably get divorced either way. So maybe it's worth trying because we can't get any closer to divorce than we already seem to be.

 

I have friends that have said to have sex with someone else and just not tell her about it. She already expects it on some level. I can't do that though.

 

The problem with the open marriage is that you would be the only one benefiting from it. It would most likely destroy the relationship and it would be much worse than if you just accepted the fact that you both want different things and agreed to separate. Do you really want to put her through the pain of having to accept the fact that her husband is sleeping with other people and coming home to her every night?

[aileD]

I'm a rape survivor and if my husband ever asked for an open marriage due to my lack of sex that's clearly due to my assault.....id feel raped all over again.

 

I'm just being honest. I don't know what the solution is .

[Mr. Lucky]

I have friends that have said to have sex with someone else and just not tell her about it. She already expects it on some level. I can't do that though.

 

I'd see escorts on the side or find a discreet FB. The best of a number of lousy options. Sorry my friend, you've been dealt a tough hand...

 

Mr. Lucky

[brjen]

Its a no win situation. Asking for an open marriage will end it but going without sex for six years will end it too.

 

Separation or divorce. You can't be expected to live like this.

 

Yeah... I suppose I hoped someone would have a magical suggestion that would solve the issue.

 

My wife hasn't totally forgotten about my needs, and she does really try to keep working forwards. It's been 6 years, though, and while she has made tons of progress in other areas our sex life has progressed very little.

 

The problem with the open marriage is that you would be the only one benefiting from it. It would most likely destroy the relationship and it would be much worse than if you just accepted the fact that you both want different things and agreed to separate. Do you really want to put her through the pain of having to accept the fact that her husband is sleeping with other people and coming home to her every night?

 

I hear you. I don't know if it's me trying to justify it or not, but I do see how it would benefit her as well. It could take the pressure off her because that need is being met. She wouldn't lose her husband. I think I would be happier which in turn makes our relationship with each other better.

 

I know that it would really hurt her, though. Knowing I was sleeping with another woman. I really don't know though, if that pain would be worse than divorce because she was raped (essentially).

 

I'm a rape survivor and if my husband ever asked for an open marriage due to my lack of sex that's clearly due to my assault.....id feel raped all over again.

 

I'm just being honest. I don't know what the solution is .

 

Would it feel worse knowing your husband basically left you because you were raped? Genuine question.

 

I'd see escorts on the side or find a discreet FB. The best of a number of lousy options. Sorry my friend, you've been dealt a tough hand...

 

I'd be lying if I said I never looked into escorts, many times. I have a female friend, who I've since distanced myself from, who has tried to open up that door as well. I'd feel like a complete ***hole doing it. I will also feel like an ***hole for leaving her, so lose-lose in that department. The temptation is there and real.

[Dancewithme]

He's been dealt a tough hand, but hers has been tougher. Maybe this is the "worse" the wedding vows mention. I am sorry, this sounds like a " no-win" situation for all involved. I wish I knew what to tell you. Sometimes, life seems so unfair.

[brjen]

He's been dealt a tough hand, but hers has been tougher. Maybe this is the "worse" the wedding vows mention. I am sorry, this sounds like a " no-win" situation for all involved. I wish I knew what to tell you. Sometimes, life seems so unfair.

 

Speaking of marriage vows. This is a small snippet of mine:

 

Under each and every circumstance life may throw,

I will love you.

I will cherish you.

And I will stand by your side,

Never to let you walk alone.

 

Good choice of words...

[Popsicle]

I hear you buddy. I just broke up with my BF because the affection and intimacy stopped and I saw us heading fir the place you're in. You (and I) are too young to live a sex and/or intimacy-free life. I would definitely ask her and be sensitive and diplomatic about it like you have here. And if she gets all upset AND still makes no changes for the better, then perhaps she is just selfish and is not or can not think about you.

 

Personally, I am of the opinion that you can't force someone to be more sexual or passionate with you, and if you do manage to get them to agree to do it more, it won't last long, because they don't feel it. You can't fake a feeling for long. Which is why I broke up with my BF.

[Popsicle]

Separation is also an option. I'd go with that actually rather than open marriage. You don't have kids together.

 

I predict you won't leave though and will end up sucking it up and doing nothing. There are hoards of men here who are in sexless marriages not even due to rape, and they suck it up and do nothing.

Edited September 17, 2016 by Popsicle

[Arieswoman]

brjen,

I am sorry you are in this difficult situation.

 

Technically you don't have a marriage and legally I don't think there would be any problem in getting an annulment (I'm talking UK here USA may be different)

 

However, before you go down that road you need to both have a good look at this elephant in the room.

 

I wish I could be more helpful - I'm sorry x

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I think what you are considering asking her is the wrong way of approaching the issue. Instead, I would suggest having an open conversation with her about how you are feeling. You love her but you can't live without physical intimacy.

 

Give her the opportunity to think it over and try and find a solution. If you give her the power to decide what happens next, it will help her feel more in control of the situation.

 

You have been a loyal husband, don't throw that away without giving her the chance to work things out as a couple.

[elaine567]

I remember reading here the pain of a woman in the similar situation to your wife, she had agreed to an open marriage. I cannot find the exact thread at the moment.

BUT she was in torture every time he left to "do the deed", her life was utter hell.

 

This arrangement you propose, would be what I would term a "forced" open marriage, your wife doesn't want an open marriage, but she would be "emotionally blackmailed" into agreeing in order to keep you around, as she lves you, just as in the above example. You are fooling yourself if you think your wife would be happier knowing your needs are being met elsewhere... that is NOT how it works.

Open marriages work well when BOTH want it and BOTH are getting something out of it. Here, the only winner would be you.

 

I know it is hard but separation/divorce is the only answer.

YOU need to go seek pastures new, because if you open up your marriage I almost guarantee you, starved of attention for so long, will be attached to someone else within a very short time, and then how would your poor wife feel?

She gets to watch whilst you scamper off to be with your lover at every opportunity, and she can say nothing as "she agreed to it".

DO NOT put her through that, has she not suffered enough at the hands of men?

 

She also needs to go find someone else who is not "champing at the bit" sexually, because even if you hide it well, she will know how you feel.

Relieved of the pressure of the marriage and forced to confront her demons without the comfort of you around, she may do surprisingly well actually.

 

You only get one life, this isn't working for you.

You are living on past good times and past dreams, you need to set yourself free.

Make a clean break, do not give out false hope, just end it and move on is my advice.

[Osmium13]

What a sad situation to be in, I feel for you and your wife.

 

I don't think it'd be unreasonable to ask in the circumstances, but only you know how she's likely to react. If you know it wouldn't go down well I think you'd have to evaluate whether having a sex life is that important to you for now. If it is, none of the options to consider are easy or pleasant to take.

 

You say she's made a lot of progress in other areas - it may be that with more time she'll recover her sex drive too. You could well remove any chance of that ever happening by trying to force the issue.

 

Tough decisions. I don't envy you.

[BaileyB]

I would suggest that she continue to work with a sex therpist. I'm sure you've had this discussion already, but if you haven't... You should have an open discussion with her and tell her just how important it is to you to have an active sex life. Tell her how much you love her and how you want to be with her. If she is open to the thought, continue to work with a sex therapist.

 

Or maybe she will just absolutely not consider sex an option. In which case, I have no advice for you.

 

Except to say, I would feel very hurt if I had been assaulted and my husband then asked to sleep with other women when I felt unable to be with my husband. I understand why you would ask, but as a woman, I think that would be very difficult.

[road]

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my lawfully wedded(husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

 

 

Simple and to the point, covers everything, allows no loop holes.

 

 

Maybe there are more divorces because of people are pledging to new fangled vows that do not cover everything and no promise of forever.

 

 

OP, what it you got hurt on the job. Accident left you unable to have sex how would you feel if your wife got herself a stud. She would go on for dates for a few hours but come home at night. Then not come home some nights. Then go away weekends. Then week vacations. Then never com home again.

 

 

How would you feel as these thing evolved?