My fiance saw old sex videos of me

[Gibrale]

I am 28. I have been with my fiance, he's 32, for 3 years. We were really close friends for 2 years before that. Before we dated, I was with a guy from age 12-19.

 

My first boyfriend was controlling and manipulative. I was too young and couldn't see through it. I had a bad home life and watched my dad sexually abuse my mom until she killed herself. We started having sex early (age 12) and he wanted to try different things. When I was 14 he pressured me into bringing other people into our sex life, his friends.

 

When we were older, age 18, he took some videos of us having sex with and without other people. He said he wanted to use them to masturbate and deleted them after. Well he didn't.

 

My boyfriend proposed 3 days ago and we posted engagement photos yesterday. Yesterday evening my ex sent my fiance a message saying "just so you know what you are marrying" and attached old videos of me.

 

I only have contact with my ex because we have a 8 year old son together. He rarely sees our son. He only has visitation for 8 hour a month, and hardly ever uses it. In my sons eyes, that is not his dad - my fiance is.

 

I don't know what to do.... I didn't really lie to my fiance. When we first got together he said he would never ask me my "number" as it was none of his business. He see's me as a good girl, and assumed I had only slept with 2-3 people. I've only had 2 relationships. He won't even talk to me now and isn't sure if he wants to be with me.

 

I get it. I hate myself and I am extremely embarrassed. I hate thinking about it and wish I had never done it. I was in a bad place and had issues. Getting pregnant is what snapped me out of it and I went into therapy. My fiance wouldn't even touch me and said I was gross. He made me feel like a washed up porn star.

 

I've slept with 18 guys and 4 girls. He thinks I'm going to want to do stuff like that again and he's not into it. I never want to do it again, I didn't even want to do it then. My fiance has only slept with 4 women and he thinks even that is a lot. He said that the image he had of me is tainted and he is embarrassed that he didn't know. I get it, I feel disgusting myself. But I don't need the love of my life thinking that way about me...

 

I cannot lose him. I love him so much and we are suppose to be building our life together. We were so happy and it came crashing down so fast.

 

He won't answer my calls or texts and I don't know where he is.... I tried to call his mom and she wouldn't answer either... I don't know if he called her. I can't think or breathe. I need him to come home. I don't know if he will ever be able to get past this. It was 10 years ago... it never should have happened. But now all he sees is a girl who screwed a group of guys and took a video of it. He thinks there will be videos posted online for people to find.

Edited November 21, 2016 by Gibrale

[ja123]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

 

Please try not to internalize the shame for your previous sex life. I know, easier said than done. Some guys wouldn't bat an eye for your experience, but obviously your current man isn't one of them.

 

 

You'll need to give him space. He may or may not get over it.

 

 

What you ought to consider, however, is going to a lawyer and police to have your ex charged. What a cruel a**hole!

[Buddhist]

He thinks there will be videos posted online for people to find.

 

He may be right about that. Your ex seems to have a vindictive streak.

 

There is nothing you can do. Accepting that is the only thing you can do. You have to leave him with his own emotions about it and to process it in his own way. Nothing you say will change his mind about the negative emotions he now has about you and this subject. He will either want to put this out of his mind, or he won't.

 

Only time will tell. If he decides this is a deal breaker then you have to accept that too and move on. One day, you will find someone who won't care. In the meantime the only way for you to be free of your exes influence is to either move away from this area if you still live nearby or to completely block him from all your social media accounts so he has no idea what is happening in your life. Basically he's proven to you that anytime you are happy in life he will sabotage it with one of these video's. You have to do what you can to remove yourself from his influence.

[aileD]

I am 28. I have been with my fiance, he's 32, for 3 years. We were really close friends for 2 years before that. Before we dated, I was with a guy from age 12-19.

 

My first boyfriend was controlling and manipulative. I was too young and couldn't see through it. I had a bad home life and watched my dad sexually abuse my mom until she killed herself. We started having sex early (age 12) and he wanted to try different things. When I was 14 he pressured me into bringing other people into our sex life, his friends.

 

When we were older, age 18, he took some videos of us having sex with and without other people. He said he wanted to use them to masturbate and deleted them after. Well he didn't.

 

My boyfriend proposed 3 days ago and we posted engagement photos yesterday. Yesterday evening my ex sent my fiance a message saying "just so you know what you are marrying" and attached old videos of me.

 

I only have contact with my ex because we have a 8 year old son together. He rarely sees our son. He only has visitation for 8 hour a month, and hardly ever uses it. In my sons eyes, that is not his dad - my fiance is.

 

I don't know what to do.... I didn't really lie to my fiance. When we first got together he said he would never ask me my "number" as it was none of his business. He see's me as a good girl, and assumed I had only slept with 2-3 people. I've only had 2 relationships. He won't even talk to me now and isn't sure if he wants to be with me.

 

I get it. I hate myself and I am extremely embarrassed. I hate thinking about it and wish I had never done it. I was in a bad place and had issues. Getting pregnant is what snapped me out of it and I went into therapy. My fiance wouldn't even touch me and said I was gross. He made me feel like a washed up porn star.

 

I've slept with 18 guys and 4 girls. He thinks I'm going to want to do stuff like that again and he's not into it. I never want to do it again, I didn't even want to do it then. My fiance has only slept with 4 women and he thinks even that is a lot. He said that the image he had of me is tainted and he is embarrassed that he didn't know. I get it, I feel disgusting myself. But I don't need the love of my life thinking that way about me...

 

I cannot lose him. I love him so much and we are suppose to be building our life together. We were so happy and it came crashing down so fast.

 

He won't answer my calls or texts and I don't know where he is.... I tried to call his mom and she wouldn't answer either... I don't know if he called her. I can't think or breathe. I need him to come home. I don't know if he will ever be able to get past this. It was 10 years ago... it never should have happened. But now all he sees is a girl who screwed a group of guys and took a video

 

of it. He thinks there will be videos posted online for people to find.

 

 

I'm so sorry you had to endure that.

 

Send him what you wrote here. If he still can't get past it then walk away. He doesn't deserve to be married to you.

 

Marriage will bring with it many happy times but also many many trials and hard times. If he can't work through a hard time you had way before you met him then he won't be able to do it in your marriage and you will end up wasting your life.

 

I wish you luck. Also, see if you can press charges against your ex. Even if you can't---go to the police department and inquire. That should not be something that is held over your head the rest of your life.

[Gibrale]

I didn't think something from so long ago that I worked really hard to get over would affect my life now. My boyfriend said he would never ask about my past and didn't need to know. Maybe I should have told him... He assumed I had only been with a few people and I didn't correct him. But he didn't ask....

 

It would be one thing if I just told him what I had done... But he had to see it... and now he forever has that info in his possession. If he doesn't come back I have to explain that to my son, who sees him as his dad...

 

My ex is a horrible, nasty person. I wish I could remove him from my life completely. Because we have a son together I can't. But he doesn't even see my son. I think he has seen him twice this year, for about 4 hours. He wants nothing to do with my son. He only comes around when he gets a new girlfriend.

 

I tried to press charges on him 10 years ago because of some things, and that is when the courts decided he would only get 8 hours a month of supervised (by his parents) visitation. Part of the agreement was that we have to stay in contact with pictures. Not that he gives a crap. The stupid thing is that I don't even have him on facebook, someone who is a mutual friend told him and he messaged my fiance.

 

I told my fiance that I will go to the police and file charges. He said I won't be able to. Because I was an "adult", agreed for the videos to be taken and that put them in his possession. The thought of them being on the internet somewhere terrifies me. I work with kids, I'd be out of a job instantly....

 

I've told him how sorry I am and to please come home but he won't even respond. My ex is a psychotic *******. When I left him I thought I could walk away and never have to deal with him again. I didn't even want to tell him I was pregnant but he found out through someone else. When he found out he thought about/almost injured/killed me. He saw me driving and swerved into my lane and drove straight at me, moving at the last second. He stalked me for years.

 

He can't ruin the rest of my life...

[ja123]

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

[neowulf]

 

He can't ruin the rest of my life...

 

No, he can't. You won't allow him too. You've come this far.

 

As to the matter of your fiance, this is when you really get to see the measure of the man.

 

You are not your past. We've all made mistakes, made questionable decisions. Love isn't judgmental. Love accepts.

 

You are the same woman today he proposed to yesterday. The things that have happened to you aren't your fault.

 

If I were in your partners position, I'd be furious, but not at you. I'd be furious at the ex who's inflicted this upon you.

 

Honestly, I'd suggest relationship counselling a.s.a.p with your fiance. It might help to have an outside perspective, to help him understand your position better.

 

In the end, know that if he can't stand by you through this, then you've dodged a bullet by calling off the wedding. Life is long and you never know what's going to be thrown your way. The last thing you need is a man who balks at the first real threat to the relationship.

[doyathinkso]

There ARE laws about 'revenge porn'. That is the law your old ex has broken and you most certainly do have a case.

 

It is time to lawyer up, before the dipstick makes the videos public.

 

Go out today and get legal representation, then go to the police with the lawyer to get things rolling.

[doyathinkso]

You could pursue this on criminal grounds if you want to see him either put away and/or fined, or you could pursue him in a civil suit and sue his ass off.

 

Your call.

[elaine567]

There ARE laws about 'revenge porn'. That is the law your old ex has broken and you most certainly do have a case.

 

It is time to lawyer up, before the dipstick makes the videos public.

 

Go out today and get legal representation, then go to the police with the lawyer to get things rolling.

 

YES.

It may be too late to save your relationship with your fiance but this will happen again and again, if your old bf is not stopped.

Crown Prosecution Service offers clear guidance for prosecutors on 'revenge pornography'

[BluesPower]

You should not feel bad for the Sexual Abuse that you suffered. And that is what it was. You were young and in an abusive relationship.

 

If you told your F the whole story and he cannot understand, then just let him go. A real man would be able to understand.

 

I don't think he deserves you...

[Phoenician]

Gibrale ,

 

I am sorry for what you are going through , but you are lucky that this happened before marriage , otherwise your life would be miserable .

 

I would say that if your fiance really expressed that he doesn't care about your number , then he is not a mature person ; because in this case he is contracdicting himself unless he is shocked and think that the video was taken during your relationship with him .

 

If he cares about your number and past ; then he should have made it clear to you ..

 

have he ever asked you directly and u lied ?

 

I doubt .

 

If I love a women and she doesn't lie to me now , I will not even care abt her number.

 

 

to tell you the truth , I see ur fiance as a non mature person , especially in the issue of opening a case , he should support you and fight for you !

 

but it seems he is selfish , and cares about social image more than about you .

 

 

Since you love him , give a final chance ,

 

write down to him a letter , never apologize for the past , NEVER , just tell him , that you were not shocked of your ex , he is an ********* , but you are shocked that the love of your life is turning his back when you really needed him ; flip the table ; he should be ashamed of turning his back while you need him , even if he is reconsidering marriage , he should be at your side , that's what a real man does !

 

He doesn't deserve you unless he does something else

 

hugs sweet lady , you are a great woman .

 

[kgcolonel]

OP

 

How old were you in the videos he sent to your fiancé? If you were still a minor, you could report this to the police as child pornography....also, you may be able to check on the statute of limitations to see if there is any violations on that front.

 

At any rate, I think it would be worth your while to speak to an attorney to file a civil case as you now have been damaged by his sending the videos to your finance. Even if you don't get anything, it will show your fiancé that you took this seriously and are doing something about it.....

[BluesPower]

I will also show that creep of an ex that you realize that he abused you and you will not stand for this again.

 

And, with any luck at all the ex could go to jail for any number of felonies.

[understand50]

Gibrale,

 

Sorry this has happened to you. You can and should look really hard at legal action against your EX. I think you will find there is much that can be done so in the future this will not happen.

 

As for your fiancé, he may not be able to get over it, and you need to prepare yourself for this. You should also not stop "fighting" for him, until he tells you it is off. Time should help, one way or another. Many have given you good advise, Please take it to heart and ACT.

 

For the future, I think you need to open about your sexual past. I hold that in general your past is your own, and should not be brought up, unless it can or is impacting your present relationship or life. In your case, it will, it has, it does. So in the future, bring it up yourself. As you have stated, the impact would have been much less if you had talked about it. I would have said something right after he proposed, but that is me. We all have things we are not proud of from when we were younger, try to not let it define your life going forward. Communication and openness is key.

 

I wish you luck......

[Methodical]

Ppl mature at different rates. Heck, some never mature.

 

You have moved on from that life. I'd like to think your fiance realizes you were manipulated back then, and that the man responsible is STILL [] manipulative []. Why else is he just now bring your past to light?

Edited November 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[GunslingerRoland]

I think you've learned a lot more about your fiance than he has learned about you to be honest.

 

Regardless of how you feel about the stuff you've done in the past, it is your past and he has no right to hold the consensual sex you had with other people against you like that. A real man would be furious at your ex, not at you.

[DKT3]

The videos- the only thing you can do legally is if any happened proir to you being 18, if you live here in the States. Otherwise you are powerless in terms of him releasing and using them in any way he wants.

 

The relationship- well I don't think you have much of a shot at saving it. Knowing is one thing, most men can deal with knowing, seeing it and being powerless as to who else will see it is another.

 

Unlike a few poster before, I don't think your boyfriend is doing anything wrong or anything that makes him a bad person. We all have deal breakers in relationship, it's unfair to judge him poorly because you did one of his.

 

Future relationship- be up front about the videos and your ex, take back the power. One of the ways to truly o er come a horrible past is embrace it, own it and control it, that way no one can use it against you.

 

Good luck

[anna121]

The videos- the only thing you can do legally is if any happened proir to you being 18, if you live here in the States. Otherwise you are powerless in terms of him releasing and using them in any way he wants.

 

 

Bolded is false as a categorical statement. Depends on the jurisdiction which in US is state-based.

 

OP should contact authorities and, possibly, a lawyer.

[doyathinkso]

"The videos- the only thing you can do legally is if any happened proir to you being 18, if you live here in the States. Otherwise you are powerless in terms of him releasing and using them in any way he wants."

 

Incorrect. In most if not all jurisdictions these actions are covered by the libel laws.

[Wade Lamare]

The videos- the only thing you can do legally is if any happened proir to you being 18, if you live here in the States. Otherwise you are powerless in terms of him releasing and using them in any way he wants.

 

The relationship- well I don't think you have much of a shot at saving it. Knowing is one thing, most men can deal with knowing, seeing it and being powerless as to who else will see it is another.

 

Unlike a few poster before, I don't think your boyfriend is doing anything wrong or anything that makes him a bad person. We all have deal breakers in relationship, it's unfair to judge him poorly because you did one of his.

 

Future relationship- be up front about the videos and your ex, take back the power. One of the ways to truly o er come a horrible past is embrace it, own it and control it, that way no one can use it against you.

 

Good luck

 

Exactly. Great post.

 

All those of you ganging up on the guy just remember he has had one hell of a shock only two days ago.

 

He has gone from seeing her as the love of his life to seeing her performing (I assume) multi partner wild monkey sex. Jebus wept, it must have come as one hell of a shock to the poor guy.

You're trying to tell me that y'all would have been like "no biggie, would you like a coffee?"

I'm reasonably grounded but I think this would have at least temporarily knocked my world off its axis.

Should she have told? Debatable, as your past is your own but it would probably have avoided this clusterbuck.

 

Give the poor chap some time for Pete;s sake.

[dichotomy]

I am sorry this happened - you should contact a lawyer for what your ex has done. Its awful and probably illegal.

 

Your past is your past - BUT - yes you should have open up to a man who was going to marry you. See marriages should be based on honesty trust and a knowing of the other person. If you were coerced and manipulated into that life style then you should be willing to seek kindness and support from a man who would be your life partner - or maybe he should not be. Even if it was something you did willingly (nothing wrong if a person does) it should be something you gently let out of the bag while getting serious with someone.

 

I dont know your man - but I suspect he will not get over this. He may being dealing a form of trauma over this. He may worry you will cheat on him, or that you both will run into these people around town, or that all of this will be exposed after he marries you (his buddies, neighbors, and family watching those videos), worse yet he may at some point ask you to engage in these various activities (other women, groups, act) for HIM - that you reluctantly did for that jerk. Your child ties you to that scumbag.

 

I am so sorry. This is awful.

Edited November 21, 2016 by dichotomy

[thefooloftheyear]

Agree with the others...Bad deal...

 

I think the only thing you can hope for is that if you give him some time to deal with it, then he may come around and get over it...Some guys may never, though...Only he knows whats going on in his head and how he is processing it...I think the others have said it right...its one thing to know its floating around out there, but another story to lay eyes on it...

 

As some of the others have said. if it does backfire and he disappears, then in the future its probably a good idea to inform the person early on, so that if it ever comes back, then you would have telegraphed the blow, so to speak...

 

Sorry...

 

TFY

[DKT3]

"The videos- the only thing you can do legally is if any happened proir to you being 18, if you live here in the States. Otherwise you are powerless in terms of him releasing and using them in any way he wants."

 

Incorrect. In most if not all jurisdictions these actions are covered by the libel laws.

 

Not really wanting to dive into it there are huge differences in the nature of the intent behind the video. Essentially OP made porn which renders her powerless to do anything legally, unless she was not 18. Definition of porn is making sexually explicit material for the sexual gratification of others simply nothing she can do no matter the jurisdiction. Slight ray of hope would be certain States have very tough distribution laws surrounding porn if in one of those States she could tie him up with legal fees and the such, but actually stopping him..nah.

[dpass]

Leave him alone and give him time to process. It is one thing to know your partners past, it's another to see it when it's thrown in your face.

 

If I was in this position, I honestly don't know how I'd handle it. I'm the same age as your fiance, and I really don't know what I'd do. I like to think that I'd want to scoop you up, cuddle you and kill the ex who did that. Reality is, people react in many different ways. Until you are in that position you just don't know.

 

Does he know what happened? It doesn't seem like you have ever talked to him about your past. While he didn't need to know every detail then, now he probably does. Does he know you were pressured into it or does he think that was your idea?

 

And yes, you need to speak to a lawyer about this. Immediately.