Nearly 8 years, 2 children & no ring

[aureliee]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years. I am 27 and he is 33. We have two children, who are 5 and 1. For the record, both were unplanned (birth control failed). He didn't want kids and got a vasectomy a year ago. We talk about marriage and he has never said that he doesn't want to marry me, but he always has excuse after excuse.

 

When I was pregnant with our first child he talked about marriage all the time. He said he wanted to propose, had ideas, booked a photographer for "couples pictures" knowing I wanted the moment captured. Then... nothing. He cancelled the photographer and totally dropped engagement and wedding talk. Nothing happened between us at all. We weren't fighting, we never fought at that point. We didn't have issues. He said he didn't want to because he didn't want people to think he proposed because I was pregnant and didn't want a shotgun wedding.

 

After our son was born it briefly came up again, in fact he told people that he was going to propose. Once again, it didn't happen. He said he didn't want people to think it was only because we had a baby and that it would happen soon but not quite yet.

 

After that he totally dropped it. He wouldn't talk about it and changed the subject every time I tried or pretended like he didn't hear me. Then when our son was about 2 he started talking about it again. He showed me ring pictures to get an idea of what I like, talked about materials. Then turned around again and said it was too expensive to buy a ring and have a wedding so there was no point in proposing yet.

 

Again, he totally dropped it. We were both in university working on our bachelors and masters. When he would talk about it he said that it was too expensive and to wait until we were both done school and that there was no point to get married until we were done school. Somewhere along the line he decided that a ring wasn't too expensive, just stupid to spend money on. Aka, I wasn't worth it. He's never bought me anything.

 

It came up again when I got pregnant with our daughter, after my IUD moved and failed. I asked him if he saw himself with me and marrying me and he said yes, when we both finish school.

 

Well we've both finished school, we are in our careers, we have a house that we inherited (so no mortgage), our student loans are almost paid off. And still... nothing. It hasn't even come up since March and once again, he won't talk about it.

 

In March he was looking at ring materials again and we were looking at different rings. It went as far as getting properly sized, but yet again nothing came of it. It's not about money at this point. A) We have money that we could spend. B) I'm not the type of woman who wants a $4000 rock on my finger or a $40000 wedding. At least that's what I tell myself at this point. I'd be happy with a Ring Pop and courthouse wedding.

 

I don't know if he doesn't want to be with me, doesn't want to be "stuck" to me, has the worst cold feet known to mankind or... found someone else. Sometimes I've felt like he was only with me because he didn't have anyone else easily available. He doesn't have any single female friends, he stopped going to bars 10 years ago, he use to work in a male dominated office, his hobbies don't usually have female participants.

 

But since April he has been working in a new office which is about 50/50 for male female employees. His ex (from 18 years ago, but single and more his type to be honest) works there and they have the same shifts. I feel like if it isn't her then it's someone else. He has been more distant since he started working there, and dropped marriage off the table totally. He's been turning me down for sex and when we do it's like he's not into it. Even when I do things that I don't like but know he does.

 

He use to be extremely affectionate and lovey. Now I have to beg him to spend time with me and usually he still won't. Family time has turned into his glued to his phone. Even when the kids ask him to play he doesn't always, probably 50/50. It's like he's totally disconnected.

 

Maybe I'm just insecure because he never goes out suspiciously, he's always home on time, he doesn't hide his phone (and I have gone through it...), he doesn't act guilty.

 

I know that he isn't attracted to me anymore. He's extremely physical/visual and he doesn't look at me the way he use to. It hurts like hell. Even though I ate very healthy, exercised daily and did everything you are supposed to I gained 70lbs when I was pregnant with my daughter. I use to weight 110, now I'm 130 and the weight will not budge no matter what I do. I eat great, I've tried different diets, I'm always doing things, I'm at the gym 5x a week. But the weight won't go. I have really bad stretchmarks covering every centimeter of my abdomen, my doctor said it was one of the worst cases he's seen. I also have them on my thighs, butt and boobs but those have faded are are harder to see. The ones on my abdomen have no faded at all. They are extremely thick, some are sunken in others are raised out, very red and the skin around them is wrinkly. On top of that mess, I needed an emergency c-section and they didn't have time to do a nice incision. So I have a messy, vertical incision that got infected, had to be opened and packed and left open for weeks. It looks like someone took a machete to my abdomen, my son says it looks like a shark "ate" me.

 

My boyfriend won't say anything because he isn't an ass, but it's written all over his face and actions. Just the way he looks at me says it all. Before getting stretch marks he saw some pictures online of similar cases and said how disgusting it was. He has always been with skinny women (he's very fit himself) and even though I'm not obese at 130lb I'm not attractive. He never says that I'm sexy or anything anymore. When we do have sex he never tries to take my shirt off. So maybe there isn't another woman but he isn't attracted to me.

 

We rarely fight, if we do it's over chores and doesn't last long. By now he either wants to marry me or he doesn't. There is no I don't know at this point. He says he loves me, but maybe not enough. I've waited and hoped for so long, but he's never going to propose is he?....

[Mr. Lucky]

By now he either wants to marry me or he doesn't.

 

Do you need me to point out he doesn't?

 

I'm somewhat puzzled by the described tone of your conversations on this subject with him (he didn't "hear" you?) because they sound less than direct.

 

Have you sat eye-to-eye across from him and said "I want to get married to you within the next 12 months"? With 8 years, 2 kids and a house, he's had plenty of opportunity so it's not going to happen on its own. You can either direct the issue yourself, accept the status quo or leave the relationship.

 

How important is marriage to you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

Wow, that sounds frustrating. It sounds like your future is all hinged on the timing that suits him. So with this in mind, I'm hoping you can tell us what conversations have you had about marriage and the timing of it.

[basil67]

Wow, that sounds frustrating. It sounds like your future is all hinged on the timing that suits him. So with this in mind, I'm hoping you can tell us what conversations have you had about marriage and the timing of it.

 

I'm hoping that the 'romantic proposal' isn't more important to her than open communication an direct planning.

[aureliee]

I have tried to talk to him about it many times. I don't like doing it in front of the kids. Usually we are either laying in bed or driving. I will say something and he literally ignore it like I never said it. I can clear as day say "do you want to marry me", right in the middle of conversation, and he doesn't look at me or say anything. Or he has an excuse to wait. In April when we both finished school I told him that I wanted to get married or at least engaged with a wedding actually planned and booked by the end of the year. Unless today is going to be a busy day, that's not going to happen...

 

But what can I even do about it... I can't force him to marry me, I want him to do it because he wants to. Leaving doesn't help at all. There have been times when I have seriously said let's get married, elope, courthouse, etc. and he has obviously never gone for it.

 

I want to be married. It has always been important to me.

 

Recently he was talking to his ex online (the one he works with) and she asked if we were going to get married, he responded with "maybe, we'll see". There is nothing to see at this point...

 

Yeah, a romantic proposal would be nice, who doesn't want that. At this point though, I'd take him just wanting to get married and do it. "Do you want to get married" "Yeah, let's do it" and meaning it would be enough. It would kind of hurt because I know he had some good ideas, that he wouldn't tell me about. Same with a wedding. Yeah I'd like to have a real wedding with friends and family, I've always had ideas of what my wedding would be like. But I wouldn't turn down just doing it quick and easy.

[Sweetfish]

I have tried to talk to him about it many times. I don't like doing it in front of the kids. Usually we are either laying in bed or driving. I will say something and he literally ignore it like I never said it. I can clear as day say "do you want to marry me", right in the middle of conversation, and he doesn't look at me or say anything. Or he has an excuse to wait. In April when we both finished school I told him that I wanted to get married or at least engaged with a wedding actually planned and booked by the end of the year. Unless today is going to be a busy day, that's not going to happen...

 

But what can I even do about it... I can't force him to marry me, I want him to do it because he wants to. Leaving doesn't help at all. There have been times when I have seriously said let's get married, elope, courthouse, etc. and he has obviously never gone for it.

 

I want to be married. It has always been important to me.

 

Recently he was talking to his ex online (the one he works with) and she asked if we were going to get married, he responded with "maybe, we'll see". There is nothing to see at this point...

 

Yeah, a romantic proposal would be nice, who doesn't want that. At this point though, I'd take him just wanting to get married and do it. "Do you want to get married" "Yeah, let's do it" and meaning it would be enough. It would kind of hurt because I know he had some good ideas, that he wouldn't tell me about. Same with a wedding. Yeah I'd like to have a real wedding with friends and family, I've always had ideas of what my wedding would be like. But I wouldn't turn down just doing it quick and easy.

 

Eventually, you are going to fall out of love with this man. How long you think this will keep going.. another 2 years or 5? You gave him clear warning shots and I think your next move is to dump him or fall out of love. I think you blame your self for what is going on by calling your self unattractive. Are you serious? You are the mother of his children and those shark bites are the battle scars of birthing those beautiful kids and if he doesn't like those battle scars well sucks for him.

[mikeylo]

Sorry , but the ship has sailed.

[angel.eyes]

Completely agree! That ship sailed when he talked about "wanting" to propose, but not wanting to get married because you were pregnant. You don't mention whether there was any marriage talk before you got pregnant. If I understand your timeline correctly, you had been dating two years before you got pregnant. Had you discussed it in the two years prior to becoming pregnant?

 

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years. I am 27 and he is 33. We have two children, who are 5 and 1...We talk about marriage and he has never said that he doesn't want to marry me, but he always has excuse after excuse.

 

When I was pregnant with our first child he talked about marriage all the time. He said he wanted to propose, had ideas, booked a photographer for "couples pictures" knowing I wanted the moment captured. Then... nothing. He cancelled the photographer and totally dropped engagement and wedding talk. Nothing happened between us at all. We weren't fighting, we never fought at that point. We didn't have issues. He said he didn't want to because he didn't want people to think he proposed because I was pregnant and didn't want a shotgun wedding.

 

After our son was born it briefly came up again, in fact he told people that he was going to propose. Once again, it didn't happen. He said he didn't want people to think it was only because we had a baby and that it would happen soon but not quite yet.

 

After that he totally dropped it. He wouldn't talk about it and changed the subject every time I tried or pretended like he didn't hear me.

......

 

Well we've both finished school, we are in our careers, we have a house that we inherited (so no mortgage), our student loans are almost paid off. And still... nothing. It hasn't even come up since March and once again, he won't talk about it.

 

...It's not about money at this point. A) We have money that we could spend. B) I'm not the type of woman who wants a $4000 rock on my finger or a $40000 wedding. At least that's what I tell myself at this point. I'd be happy with a Ring Pop and courthouse wedding.

 

...Sometimes I've felt like he was only with me because he didn't have anyone else easily available.

 

 

...By now he either wants to marry me or he doesn't. There is no I don't know at this point. He says he loves me, but maybe not enough. I've waited and hoped for so long, but he's never going to propose is he?....

 

No he isn't going to marry you. A man who wanted to marry you would propose and marry you, not talk about "wanting" to propose.

 

You're beating yourself up needlessly about surgical scars from the deliveries, pregnancy stretch marks, your post-pregnancy weight (even though you've lost almost all of it), your expectations, etc. Remember, even pre-kids he had no interest in marrying you.

 

A man who wanted to marry you wouldn't talk about "wanting" to propose. He would just do it. Propose and marry you!

 

All that talk about wanting to propose was just an effort to mollify you since it's clear marriage is something you desired. The arrangement as it stood was working for him, so he gave you just enough of a maybe promise to keep you from walking and finding a guy who would offer you more of a commitment than he was willing to give.

 

You can't force someone to want the same things you do. They either do or they don't. Accept that and move on if you aren't on the same page. Don't stick around waiting to see if they'll come around to wanting what you want. Don't play house with the person. All you've done by trying to get him to marry you year after year is flush your self-esteem down the toilet. Again, this isn't about whether you're the perfect weight or can get back to your pre-kids appearance. Even when you had those things he had no desire to marry you. This is simply a mismatch in goals for this particular relationship.

 

Will he want to marry someone else? Who knows? Will he want to marry you? No.

 

I want to be married. It has always been important to me.

 

Well then. You have some tough decisions to make. Stay with him and give up on marriage. Or move on to someone who would be eager to marry you. Those have always been your choices.

[road]

Whatever his reasons are, today as back in the old days many a man will not buy the cow when he can get the milk for free.

 

 

As to you going to the gym, you are not doing the right exercises or not working hard enough. Eating healthy sounds as code for ignore how much I am eating instead of cutting down on your food intake. Get serious for your self.

 

 

As to your relationship you have choices, stay the way things are, marry me or I leave you.

 

 

I vote for marry or else option.

[Clockwork]

What is it with our generation and their paranoia of marriage? I had to laugh the other day, a friend of mine posted on her facebook that it is her 15th "anniversary" today. She's not married. They have two kids. I just sort of shook my head.

 

 

Listen ladies, if I can be so blunt let me be honest with you. A man will marry you if he wants to. Plain and simple, he'll marry you as soon as he can. I married my wife a year and a half after meeting her. No regrets. I knew two weeks in she was the "one". This guy you are describing doesn't want to marry you. Our generation is messed up. We shack up, we buy a house, we have multiple kids and then we eventually get married. Maybe. I'd be pretty ticked off if my daughter was stuck with a guy she had two kids with but according to him not good enough to put a ring on. That would bother me.

 

 

This guy doesn't want to marry you. He's already made multiple excuses for it. The best indication of future behaviour is past behaviour.

[Standard-Fare]

This is painful to read, especially the part where you're "justifying" his loss of interest and beating yourself up about your pregnancy weight gain and scars.

 

You say you've tried to talk to him, but it's really time for the BIG talk. Meaning, corner him —*sit him down and don't allow him him avoid the subject or make excuses. Say "We HAVE to talk about this. I can't go another day without talking about this."

 

Ask him point blank is he's "in this" with you for the long-term, and whether he's ready to set a date soon for a wedding within the next year (including your idea of a no-frills "Ring Pop and court house" thing). No longer.

 

If he can't give you a firm yes on those points, let him know the outcome he'll be facing —*a life without you. He needs to see that that's a real possibility if he can't man up and step to the plate. Do not tolerate this indecision and lack of commitment anymore.

[Popsicle]

Gosh, you sound just like my best friend. They are going on 12 years now with 2 kids. I told her in year 2 that he was never going to marry her. Year 4 is when they had their first child. She was getting up in age and really wanted to start having children and he knew he had to do it to keep her around, so they did. For a while it really hurt her that wasn't marrying her, but soon she began to justify it by saying that she didn't want to marry him anyway. I think it's all so sad.

[anika99]

There is no compromise or middle ground when it comes to marriage, same with kids. You can't be sort of married or just a little bit pregnant. When it comes to these things someone gets it their wants 100% while the other person gives up what they want 100%.

 

If marriage wasn't super important to you and you were blissfully happy being with him, marriage or no marriage, then I would say just be happy for what you have and don't make demands that will negatively impact an already great situation. But marriage is important to you by the sounds of it and you should not ignore that, and you do not sound blissfully happy and your relationship doesn't sound great. All these things need to be addressed.

 

Your partner is not only refusing marriage it also sounds like he is deliberately distancing himself from you. He is rejecting you and you are feeling bad about yourself. This situation is the most pressing in my opinion. You don't want to marry someone who is pushing you away and being emotionally distant before you even get married. That's sure to be a disaster.

 

You are right, you can't make him want to marry you. You also can't make him be a warm and affectionate partner. You need to evaluate the situation and decide if you're willing to live like this forever. If you're not then you need to sit him down and spell out your needs and expectations. Let him know that if he isn't going to be all in then you are ready to move on, but only do this if it's really true. Do not make empty threats.if you're truly not prepared to leave if things don't improve then I don't know what to suggest. You could suggest counselling to him but he will probably reject that idea. You could get counselling for yourself to raise your own self esteem and self acceptance.

[SoleMate]

So far, the marriage talk has been you asking, "Do you want to marry me?" And he waffles, diverts or straight up ignores you.

 

Time to change the conversation. Don't ask him what HE wants.....at this point, we already know. Instead, TELL him what you want, say you love him and want to spend your life with him (if true) and ask if he will agree to marry you. I wouldn't give him 12 months....I'd say from your request date, even 4 weeks is plenty. This ought to bring to a head whatever has been festering.

 

And no, having to talk a man into marrying you like this is no woman's dream come true. It's depressing. But this man is father of your children so it seems worth a final shot. Just be prepared for any outcome, including that this r/s may be over, all but the moving out. (In fact, I'd consult with a family lawyer in advance to know how best to protect your children and yourself when the reality becomes manifest.) Sorry!

[dpass]

If he has been acting off, distant and rejecting sex since he started his new job, I'd be a hell of a lot more worried about that than him not getting down on one knee. No point in getting married if there is a OW in the picture.

[MJJean]

If he wanted to marry you, you'd have been married years ago. He doesn't want to marry you. The way you describe his behavior, I'm not sure why you'd want to marry him!

 

If you stay without marriage be smart financially. If you split, you could end up losing assets you worked for during your time as a couple. This could be devastating financially. You should probably speak to a lawyer. Make sure that you are protecting yourself just in case. As a live in partner, you DO NOT have the legal protections a spouse has in the event of a break up or unexpected death.

[basil67]

I have tried to talk to him about it many times. I don't like doing it in front of the kids. Usually we are either laying in bed or driving. I will say something and he literally ignore it like I never said it. I can clear as day say "do you want to marry me", right in the middle of conversation, and he doesn't look at me or say anything. Or he has an excuse to wait. In April when we both finished school I told him that I wanted to get married or at least engaged with a wedding actually planned and booked by the end of the year. Unless today is going to be a busy day, that's not going to happen...

 

But what can I even do about it... I can't force him to marry me, I want him to do it because he wants to. Leaving doesn't help at all. There have been times when I have seriously said let's get married, elope, courthouse, etc. and he has obviously never gone for it.

 

I want to be married. It has always been important to me.

 

Recently he was talking to his ex online (the one he works with) and she asked if we were going to get married, he responded with "maybe, we'll see". There is nothing to see at this point...

 

Yeah, a romantic proposal would be nice, who doesn't want that. At this point though, I'd take him just wanting to get married and do it. "Do you want to get married" "Yeah, let's do it" and meaning it would be enough. It would kind of hurt because I know he had some good ideas, that he wouldn't tell me about. Same with a wedding. Yeah I'd like to have a real wedding with friends and family, I've always had ideas of what my wedding would be like. But I wouldn't turn down just doing it quick and easy.

 

Thanks for the clarification.

 

You have been very clear in your communication and he's taking lack of communication to a whole new level. I think there's nothing more you can do. It sounds like he has zero plans to marry you. And given the disconnect you describe, perhaps it's a wise decision.

[basil67]

What is it with our generation and their paranoia of marriage? I had to laugh the other day, a friend of mine posted on her facebook that it is her 15th "anniversary" today. She's not married. They have two kids. I just sort of shook my head.

 

My partner and I have been defacto for 25 years wth two kids, so I feel qualified to answer your question.

 

There is no paranoia. We just don't see the point. Our union has recognition by the state, so we get no legal or tax advantages. A marriage certificate does not guarantee the longevity of the relationship (as my previous marriage proves). Likewise, the lack of a formal marriage does not prevent us from making a strong commitment to each other.

 

All that said, if we went to live in a country where our union was not recognised, we'd probably marry. But as it stands, we simply don't need it.

[Clockwork]

My partner and I have been defacto for 25 years wth two kids, so I feel qualified to answer your question.

 

There is no paranoia. We just don't see the point. Our union has recognition by the state, so we get no legal or tax advantages. A marriage certificate does not guarantee the longevity of the relationship (as my previous marriage proves). Likewise, the lack of a formal marriage does not prevent us from making a strong commitment to each other.

 

All that said, if we went to live in a country where our union was not recognised, we'd probably marry. But as it stands, we simply don't need it.

 

And women have been falling for that for a long time. Who do you think invented the whole "its only a piece of paper" thing? Men. Just like high heels, we invented them too. You aren't fully committed to someone if you aren't married. You are a girlfiriend/boyfriend until then. What the state recognizes has nothing to do with what it really is.

[basil67]

And women have been falling for that for a long time. Who do you think invented the whole "its only a piece of paper" thing? Men. Just like high heels, we invented them too. You aren't fully committed to someone if you aren't married. You are a girlfiriend/boyfriend until then. What the state recognizes has nothing to do with what it really is.

 

"It's only a piece of paper" was my own thought....one which came about after I got divorced. Easy in, easy out.

 

Thing is, I was married for 4 years. And defacto for 25. If marriage made a difference to my commitment, why aren't my years in a relationship the other way around?

 

If what the state recognises has nothing to do with it, why is it that I'd marry if I was in a state which didn't recognise our union?

[Mr. Lucky]

I want him to do it because he wants to.

 

And I want to be a starting NFL quarterback. Given your history and with me in my 60's, I'd say we both have about an equal chance of having our wish come true.

 

You have to let go of the past and focus on where you are now, a twenty-something single mother of two. If you're going to get him to the altar, you'll have to drive the bus. It's not every little girl's dream but it's your reality.

 

So tell him, time to get real...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aureliee]

Here is a basic timeline. Excuse any typo's, I'm exhausted and I can barely keep my eyes open writing this.

 

January 2009 - We met

 

February 2009 - We started dating; we fell for each other fast and were exclusive right away

 

-we both talked about marriage a lot, he talked about what kind of wedding he wanted, that he wanted to get married to me but thought it was too soon and I was too young. Talked about having kids, said he wanted 3-4.

 

May 2010 - We started having sex; he didn't want to wait that long but I wasn't ready

 

August 2010 - Moved in together

 

January 2011 - I got pregnant with our son

 

May 2011 - I found out I was pregnant; he wanted me to abort but it was too late; after he got use to the idea he started talking more seriously about marriage. He said he really wanted to get married but didn't want a shotgun wedding.

 

October 2011 - Our son was born; kept saying he wanted to get married but didn't go through with it. He told multiple friends and family that he was going to propose on Christmas (I found out later)

 

December 2011 - totally dropped wedding talk all together.

 

October 2011 to April 2013 - things were rough between us; new parent issues.

 

April 2013 - Things started to get back to normal between us.

 

December 2013 - Started talking seriously about marriage again, looking at rings, asking what I wanted. He decided it was too expensive to get married.

 

Somewhere in 2014 - Said wedding weren't too expensive just stupid to spend money on and he didn't want one, and that a ring was a waste of money. "Marriage is just a piece of paper" was mentioned.

 

February 2015 - I got pregnant with our daughter; he talked about abortion again.

 

April 2015 - Got a vasectomy, regardless of the fact that I didn't want him to.

 

Mid 2015 - Stopped complimenting me, but otherwise acted the same.

 

October 2015 - Our daughter was born; talked about marriage. He said we would get married right after we both graduated, his parents wanted to pay for it.

 

November-March - was on bed rest because of my c-section incision becoming infected

 

March 2016 - Started talking about marriage again, seriously looked at rings, looked online at venues. His parents still wanted to pay for it

 

April 2016 - Both finished university, he started working in a new office; marriage was totally dropped; became distant; was finally allowed to have sex and after a couple times he stopped wanting to totally; can't "finish" when we do.

 

--------

 

I hate feeling like I am good enough to be with but not good enough to fully commit to. It makes me feel like crap and it's embarrassing when friends and family keep asking when we'll get married or why we aren't. I hate having a different last name from my kids. Our son has heard other people ask, and now he asks when we are going to get married.

 

I don't understand why he would stay with me for 8 years but won't marry me. He's an extremely attractive man, if he wanted someone else I don't think it would be hard to accomplish. He knows how I feel and that I want to be married. It just doesn't matter to him. Sometimes he cares about what I want, other times he doesn't. For example, the house that we inherited needs a lot of work to bring it up to date. He pretty much goes with whatever I want even if it's not his style. He hates our kitchen but it's my dream kitchen, and he says he's happy about it because I'm happy. With his vasectomy, I was 100% against it but he had it done anyway. Major life decisions are his way or the highway I guess.

 

Other than a couple time periods (the first 18 months of our sons life and April 2016 to now) our relationship has been really good... That's what makes this hard. If he was an ass the whole relationship it would be different and I would have left a long time ago. But in general he's been really good to me and we've been happy. If we were miserable or always fighting, I'd understand not wanting to get married.

 

I don't want to lose him or fall out of love with him. He's not against marriage, he's just against marriage with me. Before our first baby he talked about marriage all the time. We weren't ready to get married, I was 19 when we started dating, but we talked about it a lot.

 

I know that he doesn't find me attractive anymore. That's not just me being insecure. For the first 6 years of our relationship he always complimented me, after we started having sex he wanted to daily, he always wanted me totally naked and would touch my whole body. That all stopped about halfway through my pregnancy with my daughter and never came back. He never compliments me anymore, he rarely wants to have sex, when we do have sex he isn't into it and doesn't usually "finish", he never wants me naked during sex, he never touches me anymore. He hardly even kisses me.

 

When I get out of the shower or I'm getting dressed, he doesn't even look at me. If he does, he makes no acknowledgement that I'm naked. If I ask him if he finds me attractive he says yes, but he'd sound more believable saying he's the president. He is really visual with sex, he's always needed to be looking at and touching my whole body or at least boobs or butt to get off. Now he doesn't do any of that and can't get off.

 

I know there are men that think scars are beautiful and how their kids entered the world, a story of their lives together, etc. My boyfriend isn't one of them, never has been. To him they are just scars, imperfections. There is no "deeper meaning".

 

The insecure part of me wants to say that he's cheating, but in reality, there is no sign that he actually is. He has never cheated on me, or anyone else that he's been with. He was a player though, before we met, and has had sex with a large amount of women. We waited almost a year and a half to have sex. It was really hard for him but he got use to it and was happy to wait.

 

I guess I have to sit him down and really talk to him, not taking any excuses or attempts to push it back. I don't want to know the answer... It's obvious that he doesn't want to marry me. To him, I'm not worth making that commitment. If he says he doesn't want to marry me, I don't know where we go from there. Even if he does say he wants to marry me and goes ahead with it, I don't know if I'll ever be ok with it. I want him to marry me because he wants to, not because I pushed and pushed.

 

Right now he's distant and acting off, but he hasn't always been like that. Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe it's new job stress (though it's not a stressful job).

 

Is there even a point to get married if I have to force him to get there? It doesn't seem like the beginnings to a successful marriage. If he doesn't find me attractive at all and can't even have sex with me, I should probably give him an out.

[elaine567]

If he has been acting off, distant and rejecting sex since he started his new job, I'd be a hell of a lot more worried about that than him not getting down on one knee. No point in getting married if there is a OW in the picture.

 

My first thought too, especially as there is a very "suitable" ex in the picture and plenty of choice at work...

[aureliee]

My first thought too, especially as there is a very "suitable" ex in the picture and plenty of choice at work...

 

He dated that ex when he was 15-16, they were each others "first". But it was so long ago... I had a boyfriend around the same age and I wouldn't think twice about him if we worked together. They had no contact until 6-7 years ago when she messaged him out of the blue apologizing for something that she did. After that they'd meet for coffee once every couple years and chat a few times a year on Facebook. He never hid their conversations from me, and would freely chat if I was standing right behind him reading it. It was basic what have you been up to type chat.

 

He never hides his phone from me, I use it if mine isn't nearby. I've gone through his phone, to be honest, and there was nothing. He never goes out suspiciously, he's always home from work on time, he doesn't work random extra days, he doesn't act guilty or sketchy.

 

Aside from my own insecurities, there is nothing... Right?

[basil67]

Aureliee, your relationship is very much on the rocks. It would actually be a big mistake to marry him when there are so many problems. It sounds suspiciously like here's there only because you have kids and not because he wants to be.

 

I think you'd be far better off looking at disentangling yourself from him and moving on.