Rainbowstars Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 (edited) I admit slamming the door out of anger and then my Husband shoved me. In return I fell into the corner hurting my side on the silverware handle leaving a mark. I hit him after in retaliation and slapped him, knowing this was equally wrong. We are both sick with the flu and our patience is very low at the moment, but things should never turn violent..not even in my own hands. I feel like this marriage is not going to last and I'm worried that this won't get better. I've suggested marriage counseling a lot but, he will either reply with "No! We don't have the money!" or "Yeah we can go later on.." that never happens. I'm in the process of setting up marriage counseling alone online, but its hard getting just an hour of time alone. We also haven't had sex for going on 2 months now and it becomes more difficult to push myself into being intimate with him. What should I do? I hate to keep asking the same questions over and over.. Edited January 7, 2019 by Rainbowstars Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 Uphold your safety at any cost. What he is doing is unacceptable. There is so much anxiety and angst at this point that you two probably can't have a serious conversation together without being angry at the other party. Fighting back is a natural response. Can you take a deep breath and write down for us: What has he asked of you, that you think is unreasonable? What have you asked of him, that he thinks is unreasonable? What are your conflicts about? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbowstars Posted January 7, 2019 Author Share Posted January 7, 2019 (edited) We have distance ourselves to different rooms in the apartment, because we are very angry at each other and talking is just out of the question for a while. What has he asked of you, that you think is unreasonable? He wants to cook, but he is very sick. When I offered to cook for him he replied "You can't cook!" I'm right on the edge of becoming sick and he is severely sick with body aches, coughing and a fever. What have you asked of him, that he thinks is unreasonable? I asked that he let me cook, bring him things needed and that he rest. I don't want us to keep getting each other sick. What are your conflicts about? If I slam something (I admit its wrong) whether it be an object or even show that I am increasingly frustrated, he will come at me with either being physical (Finger in the face, raising his voice, shoving (rare) or name calling) He talks down to me and makes me feel like I am incapable of things. Like if I say something is good for him, he won't believe it because I've said it. If anyone outside says the same thing, he will believe it. (That goes for anything) This makes me feel like he does not trust me. This is where I feel the conflict occurs.. Edited January 7, 2019 by Rainbowstars Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 This is very deep rooted. Are your fights rooted in your cooking? That’s the only thing he dislikes you for and constantly fights on some variation of that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbowstars Posted January 7, 2019 Author Share Posted January 7, 2019 (edited) I know its not based on cooking, because in previous threads we have had other severe issues. (I wish it was just on my cooking) Our issues expand to other parts of our marriage. Originally it was the way he criticized and showed controlling behavior over the tone of my foundation matching my skin. (Not complementing at all) Pushing for outfits that I have continuously expressed not liking or wanting to try on in the past. (I want to dress myself) Raising his voice with me, constantly picking on me for everything little thing I was doing. If I walked, looked or even responded a certain way this would trigger him to lash out at me. (Walking on eggshells) He use to call me names like "Piece of garbage, stupid, idiot, moron, retarded." (This stopped when I threatened to leave) It goes much deeper than cooking.... We had a past of being physical before in the first year of our marriage and had the police called on us once by a neighbor on Valentines day. (No charges and they just left after checking) We haven't had any physical fights happen for at least a year. Edited January 7, 2019 by Rainbowstars Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 I am very sorry to say you are likely never going to fix this guy. He expresses controlling behavior out of habit because it's in his normal. He would only ever be honestly happy with a meek mild mannered woman who listens to his every command like Aladdin and Genie style. The only way this is going to work is for him to go to marriage counseling and prove to you he is changing his ways. This is not an adult talking to you, this is a dude with temper tantrums. Uphold your happiness and safety. Your own parents won't want you to have a baby at the price of you having a black eye. In the name of your future safety and happiness, take a painful hit now, and be more mindful in the future with a new man. You would also do well to ponder if you have started any fights i.e. - * expecting him to read your mind * starting fights and then being disappointed no matter what he tells you, and then telling him you are not listening. * having differing love languages * expecting affection that he doesn't know how to give So this doesn't become an endless chain in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 This is exactly what abuse looks like, recognise that that is what it is, and get yourself out of this relationship asap.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbowstars Posted January 7, 2019 Author Share Posted January 7, 2019 (edited) We had a blow out fight about an hour ago that resulted in me stating that our marriage is really not safe. He walked in on me reading through divorce documents and this triggered a response. I also read to him my previous threads on here and the suggestions that others have mentioned and I think this caused him to finally sit back and realize that we really do need counseling or its truly going to be over. He admits that this is abuse and not right of him to act out or ever put his hands on me. (Either of us really) I think now as everything is on the line, he is starting to see what I've been noticing. We called around for marriage counseling services in our area and further out to see what we can do to salvage things. I told him I don't want to hear "Okay okay okay, we can do this later, we don't have the money or I'm sorry." because it most times starts back up again. Its either now or never.. Thank you for everyone's advice, I believe this will be my final thread. If counseling doesn't work for us, then divorce is going to be our only consideration before things get out of control. Will see..till then thank you again for all the help! It was nice not feeling alone on this and without him reading this, I don't think he would had seen just how serious I really was. Edited January 7, 2019 by Rainbowstars Link to post Share on other sites
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