When or is there ever a good time to tell him I want to go.

[JackieDaniels1977]

My husband and I have been together for 16 years and married for 13 of them.

 

 

We have are good times but a lot of bad times as well. yes I know marriage is not easy. We got married because he got me pregnant and thought it was a good idea... But from the time we had our kid to now. the fights started out in the beginning because he thought I went out of my way to trap him, then it turned in to all this is my fault if I had only waited to get pregnant. which my response was well this wouldn't had happened with out you. He use to threaten to leave me until one day I stopped and didn't pled with him to stay.

 

 

So as long as stuff goes his way we are good. Well over the years I would say things just flew by and I being the person I'm over looked a lot of stuff. But this Merry-go-round everything is good unless I have a problem bs. and blowing up at me needs to stop. getting mad at me because I didn't stand up for him when he was clearly wrong in my eyes is getting old. when we fight I don't call him names or insult him.. but feels like its ok to call me names and cuse at me. and the last five years I have not been in love with him. My mind screams inside my head just get it done and get off of me when we have sex.

 

 

The last three years I have had a crush on a friend of mind and ignored it up until this last year and I have been spending time with him at his shows. my husband is jealous everytime I go out to see him and his band. there really isn't anything to be jealous about because they are all married. my Question is how do I tell him I'm not happy and I want out. Without him blaming my friends. with out him doing something stupit. With out hurting him because I know he will turn it in to something where it looks like I'm the bad guy in all this. I want to start my own business but have been holding off because of this. can someone give me some insite.

Edited August 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs

[BaileyB]

I was really with you, in that you describe and emotionally abusive husband and you need to leave the marriage... until you got to the last paragraph. It’s not at all surprising to me that your decision to “exit” the marriage is coupled with the introduction of a new love interest.

 

The reason why you lost me is because it’s difficult to make an accuarate evaluation on a marriage when there is another person involved.

 

As such, I think you owe it to your husband and your child to make a decision about your marriage, without the influence of this other person/friends. Have you been for individual or marriage counselling? That would be a good idea, before you file for divorce and break up the family home. It would even be a good idea if you decide to end the marriage, because you could tell him and have the conversation with a third party present - if you are concerned about his response.

 

If, you are still determined that the situation with your husband will not improve, and it may not - I would never stay with a man who is emotionally abusive... Talk to a lawyer and file for divorce. You don’t need his permission. Get legal counsel and follow the advice of the lawyer. Good luck.

Edited August 18, 2019 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

If you want a divorce just file for it. There is no way to get out without your husband getting hurt, especially if he doesn't want the divorce. Life is not easy nor is divorce. Apparently your husband has good reason to be jealous especially since you are actively going out to seek the attention of another man. I'm sure that has been a thorn in your marriage for the last 3 years. I don't see where you are interested in counseling.

[spiritedaway2003]

There is never, ever a "good" time for telling someone you want to go.

 

If you are intent on getting a divorce, you can let him know and go and file it. You don't need his permission.

 

Best to figure out if it's really what you want first, though. Good luck.

[BaileyB]

If you want a divorce just file for it. Apparently your husband has good reason to be jealous especially since you are actively going out to seek the attention of another man.

 

Having read your other post, I would agree with this. You don’t want to be blamed as “the bad guy” and yet, that is exactly what you are encouraging by engaging with this other man/ this new group of male friends.

 

And while he has no right to blame you for wanting to end a marriage that has perhaps run its course... You are not really ending it in good faith. You have already moved on and he’s not wrong for being upset about that.

Edited August 18, 2019 by BaileyB

[somanymistakes]

There's never a perfect time. It's generally best to bring it up as soon as possible, unless you're actively in fear of your safety, in which case leave as soon as you can make a plan to have a safe place to sleep and access to some funds to keep yourself alive.

[ajequals]

if your leaving the LAST person to run away with is a musician ..Having all the women fall over him that come to see them play, your relation ship will become a burden to him. I see this first hand with my little brother he's a big time womanizer

[JackieDaniels1977]

I no the last part sounds and its bad, there is no other way to look at it. but I was putting all the cards on the table. My friends has asked me to bring my husband along, so he can see there is nothing to be worried about. but my husband wouldn't go the couple of times he had the time to. he started an argument so we didn't go. So on the weekends he works I go. and I don't talk about him at all. like this pasted Friday he demanded that I stay at the bar until, he got off work. but at 11:30 I was ready to go and couldn't drive. So a guy and his wife,(yes I know them) was getting ready to leve I called my husband and begged to let them take me home. he only gave in because he realized he wouldn't be getting off work until 3am. and I was not sitting in my car wanting that long.

like today he's all hugs and kisses and and yesterday He was questioning, like every day stuff I post on face book. I don't even post as much any more just to stop him from asking stupit stuff. Any ways thanks for the comments and I will be thinking long and hard about this.

side note

I have forgotten the real me and put him and my kid infrount of me needs for years. which I don't mind because they are my family but should it really be this hard to have time for me to do things I miss. like having my own friends and being able to be around live music, with people I know??? sorry for sharing....

[BaileyB]

My friends has asked me to bring my husband along, so he can see there is nothing to be worried about.

 

There is something for him to worry about, is there not?

 

In your other post, you said that he was flirting with you in a way that the other men do not when you get together. And, you say this...

 

The last three years I have had a crush on a friend of mind.

 

There is no harm in going to listen to live music with friends, but you have a husband to consider. And he, rightfully so, is concerned if you are spending time and flirting with a man on whom you have developed a crush. Divorce your husband, and you will be free to do whatever you like...

[JackieDaniels1977]

There is something for him to worry about, is there not?

 

In your other post, you said that he was flirting with you in a way that the other men do not when you get together. And, you say this...

 

 

 

There is no harm in going to listen to live music with friends, but you have a husband to consider. And he, rightfully so, is concerned if you are spending time and flirting with a man on whom you have developed a crush. Divorce your husband, and you will be free to do whatever you like...

 

ya I should have left it as one post. yes I call it flirting and I know for sure something is going on with him too. because Another co worker called him out on how he (my friend) Feels about me . and hi reply was "she's married , I"m married and there is no way she wants me." But he did add he didn't minded the attention and flirting.

[BaileyB]

What are the odds that the next line in the story will read... “One night, we had a few too many and things went a little too far...”

 

How often are you going out with these friends to listen to music?

[Mr. Lucky]

my husband is jealous everytime I go out to see him and his band.

 

You think? Your line should read "my husband is concerned whenever I spend time with the man I'm thinking of leaving him for".

 

If you want a realistic view of your marriage, be honest about your thoughts and intentions...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JackieDaniels1977]

What are the odds that the next line in the story will read... “One night, we had a few too many and things went a little too far...”

 

How often are you going out with these friends to listen to music?

 

two to four times a month and I most of the time have a girlfriend with me. and I usually only drink one or two beers early and drink soda the rest of the night.

[vla1120]

two to four times a month and I most of the time have a girlfriend with me. and I usually only drink one or two beers early and drink soda the rest of the night.

 

In my 32-year marriage, I think I may have gone out without my husband two to four times total! I get that girl's night out is a big thing, but if your husband doesn't feel comfortable having you out by yourself, you should respect his wishes. If the tables were turned, would it be okay for him to be a flirtatious groupie for an all girl band?

 

You owe your marriage and your family marriage counseling. All women "lose" a little bit of themselves when making their children and their family the priority. It does not seem that you and your husband have put in the work necessary to keep your marriage intact.

[JackieDaniels1977]

In my 32-year marriage, I think I may have gone out without my husband two to four times total! I get that girl's night out is a big thing, but if your husband doesn't feel comfortable having you out by yourself, you should respect his wishes. If the tables were turned, would it be okay for him to be a flirtatious groupie for an all girl band?

 

You owe your marriage and your family marriage counseling. All women "lose" a little bit of themselves when making their children and their family the priority. It does not seem that you and your husband have put in the work necessary to keep your marriage intact.

 

no we have not put in any work... and two I let him and his buddy go on a trip for a week out of state. last mouth and he told me he had a girl hit on him and I was happy for him I even told him so. just to get my ass chewed for not letting it bother me. I'm sorry if I sound cold hearted but I think I have been done for sometime. and my friend and his band is more of a distraction then anything, for me. we have not worked on anything because he thinks once he has had his little blow up and a few hours later tells me he is sorry. that is that and I shouldn't be mad at him any more and be ready to sleep with him at the end of the day and a lot of times I am not. and if I don't he starts talking about how I'm 41 not 80 and I should be ready to have sex with him and then if i'm still not ready the next day he is snippy with me and trys to pick another fight, which I refuse to plat his game on that. He is 54 and I'm 41. I married him when I was 28. the last fight we had in april it was because I was starting to hyperventilate over the Idea of getting on a rollercoster and he cut the trip short for my kid and we had a screaming match. and after that something snapped in my head and I just really know I'm done.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm confused ... there's a guy you go see who you want to go to when you leave your husband ... But you're saying nothing is happening ... so your friends say bring your husband to see this guy's band.

 

What friends mean, I assume is, nothing is publicly happening between you and the band guy?

 

Wow, you've had no conversations about divorce or the marriage not working?

 

Your very first step is to get a consult (I think you can do free) with a divorce attorney ... so you can line up money and know your rights and all of that. You're not starting the divorce ... you want the wisdom of a good divorce attorney, who has seen hundreds of breakups and can give you some wise counsel.

[Buffer]

There is no excuse for emotional abuse, regardless of the duration of the marriage or who is right or wrong in an argument.

 

Your husband will never accept the reason you are leaving is his fault. He will find a way to blame everyone else regardless how you explain your actions.

 

I know you mentioned that you have a crush on one of your friends, hope that this isn’t a reason and please I wouldn’t mention this to your husband when you raise the issue of the divorce.

 

Be understanding when talking with your husband, if possible do it with a female friend so tempers don’t get the better of you two. Get your ducks in a row, a new place to live mail directed etc before the event. If hubby is as argumentative as I believe he may make it a ugly event in your life.

 

Good luck with you new facet of life.