The Point of a 180?

[analystfromhell]

Is the point of a 180 to attempt to revive the marriage, improve yourself or both? It's a bit confusing as on one hand the WS has "done the wrong" via EA or physical infidelity. Soooo, if they are less than interested in maintain the marriage is the 180 strictly for reviving that interest? On the other hand, is the 180 a preparation for exit? If THEY are wayward then it's to large extent up to YOU to decide if you'd like them back or whether you'd like to move on in the least painful and most positive path possible.

 

Clearly, it's confusing to me.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I think there are 2 180s.

 

#1

One is something that's kinda formed on the web forums from the general advice in the book "Divorce Remedy" (earlier version is called "Divorce Busting"). It's kinda turned into it's own thing. I think most people think of it as a way of taking care of yourself, and possibly attracting your spouse back to you by being detached, strong, and independent.

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

 

 

#2

If you actually read "Divorce Remedy" though, there's only a few pages devoted to the "180". All the author meant was to do the opposite of whatever you've been doing, assuming what you had been doing wasn't working. A sudden change in your behaviour. Being quiet, too nice? Try confrontation, being bold and strong. Being bold and strong and confrontational? Maybe try being nice and understanding. That's the original "180"...and the name 180 makes a lot more sense to me with that definition. Oh and it wasn't focused on dealing with cheaters, though it could certainly apply. It was of just a technique to stop a divorce from happening.

[Spark1111]

-I think the point of the 180 is two-fold:

 

First and foremost to concentrate on YOU; what you want. what you need, what you need to heal you, and to take your thoughts off of obssessing over the cheater, their paramour, what they are doing, thinking, saying, why did'nt they love me enough, how did they do this, the pain, and ad nauseum, the affair!

 

The 180 is get a grip, get a life, and take action that removes you from the triangle dynamic and focus is on you and your future, because with or without them, YOU are in your future, so get busy building one.

 

Fake it, until you make it.

 

The second reason is to take yourself out of the affair dynamic where the devil horns sit on your head, while the halo sits on the paramour's.

 

Doing the opposite of what is projected or expected of you, i.e., hysterics, begging, pleading, raging, crying, screaming, --and the affair triangle starts to dissemble.

 

Act that way and it just REINFORCES that you are the big, bad, wolf, which they have convinced themselves of all during the affair!

 

Act like you are a confident, poised, willing to calmly listen, couldn't care less to denigrate the AP, I'm moving on with my life, but if you want to reconcile, here are my conditions to do so, otherwise, I'm busy, gotta go, speak soon, hope it works out for you two....is the 180.

 

Like I said, fake it until you make it.

 

Sometimes, not always, when you surprise them with your confidence, acting neutral, not crazy, wishing them well, why did you lie and sneak for so long, you really didn't have to.....

 

A game change can occur.

 

The WS wakes up...they now have carte blanche to be with there AP (not always what they truly want); you are not the screaming, crazy, money-grubber, alcoholic, uncaring(fill in the blank)spouse who did not love them enough.

 

You are treating them with dignity and respect, like an adult, like a friend, but you are not in the triangle anymore. You took your dog out of the fight.

 

You are angry but controlled; you make your boundaries known, but will not sweat their actions or decisions. You look forward to your own future with strength. You treat them with respect!

 

And it can burst the affair bubble quickly. But that is not why you do it.

 

You do it to save your sanity. You have taken the high road, acted it, no matter how you may truly feel, and you are better and stronger for it, whether with them or without them.

[Spark1111]

In retrospect, after DDay, my fWS said many hurtful things towards me, much of it to provoke argument and reinforce how terrible I was, OR to reinforce the lies he told himself about me and then convinced her of, OR, to have everything go back to normal as if nothing all that bad had happened.

 

He was ALL over the planet with his moods and wants and statements and confusion...that's what we call fog and it is really scary.

 

I didn't take the bait, and that is doing the 180, which I had never even heard of at the time.

 

Give me some time, I will come up with some examples.

 

There were some doozies!

[analystfromhell]

I guess then that I've been doing a "180" however for me at least in the heat of everyday life it's very hard to distinguish selfishness from "a 180". On one hand I've kind of given up in a way- while I work through hear and with MC to understand my part on the other hand it's been nearly a year since the EA and still there are deceptions, no NC, and so on so I'm like at the walking away point (and trying to understand the differences between that and 180). Our MC is just so fantastic- in our session today I felt like his dedication and talent was the only thing keeping our relationship together. I just felt like walking out and filing.

 

Hope this is understandable- it's so hard to write coherently about emotional things.

[Spark1111]

I guess then that I've been doing a "180" however for me at least in the heat of everyday life it's very hard to distinguish selfishness from "a 180". On one hand I've kind of given up in a way- while I work through hear and with MC to understand my part on the other hand it's been nearly a year since the EA and still there are deceptions, no NC, and so on so I'm like at the walking away point (and trying to understand the differences between that and 180). Our MC is just so fantastic- in our session today I felt like his dedication and talent was the only thing keeping our relationship together. I just felt like walking out and filing.

 

Hope this is understandable- it's so hard to write coherently about emotional things.

 

I give you a lot of credit!

 

Do not know how strong I would be if there was no NC and continued deceptions while we lived together.

 

I threw him out and told him to go be with his soulmate.

 

When I agreed to give reconciliation a chance, I told him if there was continued contact, either intentional or accidental, and I was not informed immediately, I would be gone.

 

When she wanted to continue to be 'friends,' I told him suuurrre...as soon as I could rekindle a friendship with the last guy I had a relationship with....in other words, over my dead body.

 

If a person is NOT a friend to the marriage, meaning a friend to BOTH of us, they cannot be a friend to either of us. That's just a smart boundary to put in place.

 

EAs can be harder to treat according to many infidelity experts because the spouse perpetrating them is convinced they are doing nothing wrong as they have not touched each other physically.

 

Why not meet him? You and she together for dinner? Tell her since he is such a great friend to her, I'd like to meet him.

 

Then do it! Put on your nicest nice guy persona; talk of your lives together....it may not burst her bubble, but it could burst his....

[Owl]

From my perspective...the 180 does both at the same time. It both can cause the WS to take action to change and repair the marriage, and it can prepare the BS for life without the WS.

 

That's the beauty of it...it's a multipurpose tool.

 

But like any tool, it needs to be used at the right time and for the proper application. It works best after a good "plan A" ala marriagebuilders.