at what price?

[frozensprouts]

having read many, many , many posts on here by all sides of an affair, I have to say that one thing I find somewhat depressing is the fact that some feel that an affair has taught them a lot about life, about themselves, about relationships, etc. . While I think it's great, and I'm all for introspection and self growth, it seems to me that it isfundamentally unfair that the ones who often pay the price for this knowledge are the one's who were never asked nor consulted about the affair in the first place...the betrayed spouses and the families, etc. who often go through the whole thing right along with them.

 

This is not to say the infliction of this pain was intentional or done with malice, but it does seem sad that this happens. It's even sadder still when i read stories of where the betrayed spouse/family wasn't even a blip on the radar for the other man/woman...if there was at least a little pang of compassion, pity, etc. ( even in retrospect), it would seem less sad to me somehow.

 

As a betrayed spouse, what price did you pay?

 

I paid with the loss of my "innocence" about my marriage, my husband , and even the motive of others. I will never see the world with the same eyes I saw before, I will never blindly trust anyone again.

 

This is not to say that the world is not a beautiful place, nor is it to say that our marriage is "bad" ( it is, in many ways,much better, as it has withstood one of the greatest challenges a marriage can face), but it is not the same.

 

Neither am I. the stress from the affair and it's aftermath hurt me ( ground my teeth so much in my sleep I've permanently damaged them:laugh:, the stress had some other physical effects as well that I won't go into here)

 

it was also hard on my kids and i have no idea what the long term effects on them will be...it was hard on my parents who supported me through it...it was hard on his sister who thought he was acting like an idiot:laugh:

 

in short , many people suffered, seems like most betrayed spouses/families do, and all I can say is that i sincerely hope whatever "knowledge" etc. that is gained for the other man/woman because of this was worth it...

[frozensprouts]

just wanted to add...

sorry if this thread seems somewhat "down"...myself, I am doing great, but a friend has been going through a rough time due to an affair on the part of her husband, so I'm sad for her right now, and it's making me think about affairs and their longer term effects...

[Woggle]

The price isn't worth it and most people don't learn a damn thing from affairs except for how to lie better in the future and play the victim.

[eleanorrigby]

You and I are ----->.<-------

 

 

Infidelity sent me, H, and children on a 10+ year side trip into hell. So yeah sure, at the end of it, I learned some things, but what I learned was not worth the pain.

 

It's like learning out that seat belts are a good idea because you ejected through the windshield one day.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Her infidelity destroyed our family, sent my work performance down to zero, mangled my self confidence, estranged me from her entire family, made me end up living with my mother so we could keep the house. The divorce is certainly not good for my daughter emotionally or financially. It's sucked tons of money away through legal costs and the added expense of having two homes. My wife complained about some small things I did with money that affected my daughter's college savings, let me tell you that nothing I did compares to the damage she caused when she broke the family apart...and where is the money coming from in the first place? Not her.

 

Infidelity costs? Huge costs, in every sense imaginable.

[GLDheart]

The way this has all felt is like I was out swimming one day happily playing in the water... and BAM a shark took my leg. Initially there was blood loss and trauma... and pain. so. much. pain.

 

Then as the pain healed I looked at the parts of me that are now gone forever. My trust that getting back in the water is a safe thing to do. Gone. My life the way it was before. Gone.

 

So yeah I learned that I have the strength to limp on. Yeah, I can rebuild. The cost is awful. I seriously struggle with "better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all".... screw that.

 

I'm thinking that I would have passed on this little swim if I new what I was getting myself into.

[Spark1111]

I know today that the world is filled with the strong and the weak....and the weak can cause so much destruction in their quest to be strong.

 

They covet...your man, your woman, your money, your popularity....so they think if they TAKE IT, they can be strong like you are.

 

How sad: for them, for me, for our kids who thought we and they had it all, and we did.

 

It is a bell that cannot be unrung; not for him, for me, for her, our children, our history, our enduring love or our legacy.

 

It will always be a footnote in my life; the one in a bold red font.

 

I know I didn't deserve it. No one does. And all he had to do was tell me. I loved him enough to let him go.

 

But he was too weak to do so, therefore I will never respect him as I once did. Neither will my children. We thought the sun rose and set on his shoulders.

 

She loved him? Doubtful. If she truly loved him she would have NEVER allowed him to betray himself to fulfill her own selfish need for empowerment after her H betrayed her and married his last OW. Their is a very deep pathology here...being able to perpetrate on another the exact pain you yourself were subjected to.

 

Rising above all this sad, sordid neediness is very, very difficult to the truly strong who never deserved it.

 

It will not always be a footnote in my life, unfortunately, bolded in red.

[DBella]

Let's see...I lost like 15 lbs within the first 2 weeks after finding out about his A. I was so sad and upset that I didn't realize I wasn't eating or sleeping enough. I had a change in lifestyle overnight, not a drastic change but still, a change. My kids were also affected because they started to see their father a little less. I realized that you can never trust anybody, that no matter how hard ppl out there try to fight for gender equality, some men will continue to treat women like they are inferior because a lot of women lower their standards and allow men to manipulate them into doing things just to cater to their needs, it made me realize that between adults you see more backstabbing and dishonesty than in high school, that the world has so many cowards and hypocrites out there, that there are soooo many ppl that don't know what they want in life (more common than what I thought) and more. Well...those are some of the negative things but I also learned and saw many positive things from this experience.

[frozensprouts]

maybe it's just the fundamental unfairness of the whole thing that gets to me...

 

with my friend, her husband's ex other woman may well hurt that the relationship is over...I take no pleasure in that, as I see no reason to be happy about another person's pain. But in the end, she'll ( hopefully) walk away having learned some thing from the whole thing...maybe some good will even come out of it for her.

I'm not trying to run her down, but she knew he was married, yet she accepted the relationship for herself...she had choices and she made them. Maybe she'll learn to make better ones in the future and go on to have a happy life...that would be fine.

 

Meanwhile, my friend will hurt and suffer and be left to learn a whole set of harsh realities due to a situation she never asked for...her choices were taken away...she's done everything to try and help her husband get better, but this still happened to her.

right now, I'm trying to help her see the good...that she is strong, that she will get through this, that she should stay with him because she wants to not because she has to...it just seems like she is the one who's left to learn all the most painful lessons...

 

it's horrible watching her go through this, but she is my friend and she needs me. It's hard watching someone you care about be in pain. But every betrayed spouse is someone's mother/father, sister/brother, relative, friend, etc....each is someone who most likely never deserves the cruddy end of the stick that they are being handed...why does no one seem to think of them before they take things too far?

[drifter777]

There are many shared experiences and emotions that most of us BS's can relate to. But, since we are all so different, there are some aspects of the betrayal that will effect some more than others. For me, the most difficult thing to swallow is the sex; the overwhelming shock and disgust I feel when I think of my wife screwing some other guy. It means that what we had is not special anymore. It means that the vows we both took were meaningless words that were simply part of the wedding thing, like ordering the cake.

 

The mental images seem to never go away, and as long as my memory works I will never forgive. I may be able to separate who she is now from what she did, but I will never forgive the cheating itself. So I learned that some things truly are unforgivable. I also learned, again, that you should never trust anyone with your feelings. I learned to stay on guard and to expect people to betray me at any time. In short, I learned the value of protecting yourself from the world. I had learned this lesson growing up, but I thought that I had found the one person I could finally trust. I was wrong, but I've never made that mistake again.

[2sure]

Drifter said it.

 

In my past I had some challenges and issues that I had to work through to become a whole and fulfilled person. And I did. It took quite some time for me to be able to trust someone. That was my vulnerability. But I did, at 40. I was really happy about this because...I was happy, accomplished, ready to share my own and my daughters life with someone special. Marrying him brought not just the risk inherent with trust..but complete change to our lives. I felt confident I made the best decision of my life. For me and for her, and even him.

 

And he **** all over us. Immediately. I am changed. Its been 2 years. I will not do that again. I have no interest in trusting.

I no longer trust myself.

 

I'm trying to embrace it as a lesson. I can't.

[mercy]

having read many, many , many posts on here by all sides of an affair, I have to say that one thing I find somewhat depressing is the fact that some feel that an affair has taught them a lot about life, about themselves, about relationships, etc. . While I think it's great, and I'm all for introspection and self growth, it seems to me that it isfundamentally unfair that the ones who often pay the price for this knowledge are the one's who were never asked nor consulted about the affair in the first place...the betrayed spouses and the families, etc. who often go through the whole thing right along with them.

 

This is not to say the infliction of this pain was intentional or done with malice, but it does seem sad that this happens. It's even sadder still when i read stories of where the betrayed spouse/family wasn't even a blip on the radar for the other man/woman...if there was at least a little pang of compassion, pity, etc. ( even in retrospect), it would seem less sad to me somehow.

 

As a betrayed spouse, what price did you pay?

 

I paid with the loss of my "innocence" about my marriage, my husband , and even the motive of others. I will never see the world with the same eyes I saw before, I will never blindly trust anyone again.

 

This is not to say that the world is not a beautiful place, nor is it to say that our marriage is "bad" ( it is, in many ways,much better, as it has withstood one of the greatest challenges a marriage can face), but it is not the same.

 

Neither am I. the stress from the affair and it's aftermath hurt me ( ground my teeth so much in my sleep I've permanently damaged them:laugh:, the stress had some other physical effects as well that I won't go into here)

 

it was also hard on my kids and i have no idea what the long term effects on them will be...it was hard on my parents who supported me through it...it was hard on his sister who thought he was acting like an idiot:laugh:

 

in short , many people suffered, seems like most betrayed spouses/families do, and all I can say is that i sincerely hope whatever "knowledge" etc. that is gained for the other man/woman because of this was worth it...

 

To me it's the arrogance. The selfishness. The, I can run right over you (general) to get to my happiness. No other 'relationship' tears at another's soul. I just don't get what they tell themselves that makes it ok. It's not ok. Never. Period.

 

Yes that simple, no not complicated at all.

 

If afterwards they do learn a lesson, good. That's what life is about. Full of lessons. Most would never dream of doing it again. Great.

 

I think sometimes had I never told h I wanted a divorce. Had I kept my mouth shut and thought it through. It haunted me for the longest time. I know, his choice. It's on him 100%. He knows it to, he wears that shame to this day. I forgave him because I know at the core of his being he is a kind good honest man.

 

The price was too high. The pain too much. The healing too long.

[SoMovinOn]

... it seems to me that it is fundamentally unfair that the ones who often pay the price for this knowledge are the one's who were never asked nor consulted about the affair in the first place...

 

On what basis have you determined life is ever fair?

On what basis have you determined people are consulted over everything that happens in their life?

[seren]

I think the taking away of informed choice, by that I mean the ability to decide to live, love, support and share your heart with another based upon supposedly shared ideals, is taken away by the secrecy of an A, is so arrogant it beggars belief.

 

I have nothing against people who come clean as soon as they feel attraction or love for another and tell the BS so they can decide what they are prepared to accept. For those who continue to lie, gaslight and perhaps the worse, to take love, support and trust from the BS, while knowing that they are talking out the side of their mouth, so, so lacking in compassion or honesty, simply beyond my understanding.

 

While I understand the factors in play that helped the A along and while I forgive H, love him still and have a dammed strong relationship, it is not the same, it cannot be, to say otherwise would be a lie.

 

I, for almost 23 years of loving this man, trusted him with all that I had, I gave him my most precious gift, that of access to all areas of my heart and trust and they were forgotten, compartmentalised so that he could meet up for what? a tawdry A and this is not said to diminish the A, it was what it was and it was dammed tawdry to say the least.

 

I have lost the blind trust, for sure, I still love him, always have, an A isn't going to stop that. I haven't lost me self esteem, despite the often protestations by an AP that a BS must to take back their WS - I didn't take back a WS, I never gave him away and at heart, he never left. I still know my own worth, but I doubt my instincts. I regret that my son had his Dad knocked off the invincible Dad pedestal, although they have a wonderful relationship.

 

I miss my old marriage, not just before the A, but before the seeds that were planted before that enabled the A to take place. I used to have such joy in everything, now? I am perhaps not so joyous and for a while I found it hard to see the roses for the thorns. I believed in romantic love, still do, but for a while, it wasn't there. I also miss seeing my H being proud of who he is, he is devastated, still, by his actions and I am sorry for that. It tears me up to see him suffer the way he does.

 

I live by my values, especially the one that tells me to do no harm, to not knowingly do something that will cause hurt or pain to another. I have never understood A's, I never will. I simply don't understand why someone else's happiness, kicks or whatever is gained at the expense of me and mine. It will never compute with me as I couldn't do it. For a while I questioned my values. Why should I care what happened to others, people I didn't know, people I knew, but I did and do, for all the regrets I have about being in the whirlwind of an A, I am pleased my values haven't been compromised.

 

I always said that if you were to cut off my head, you would see my H's name running through me, like a stick of rock, now? It would be a bit jumbled, but still there. I don't get why anyone can or would knowingly share the person they love with another, it is one of the things I simply don't understand.

[Ninja'sHusband]

On what basis have you determined life is ever fair?

On what basis have you determined people are consulted over everything that happens in their life?

I would say that life is often fair and things like infidelity fall way outside the day to day norm.

 

As to #2, I don't think anyone implied that people are consulted over everything in life. But here we are talking about one of the most serious oaths a person makes in life, something that affects entire families' well being. Cheating is clearly something that shouldn't happen and could be avoided by either honesty and hard work on the relationship, or honesty and cutting ties in a humane, timely, thoughtful, and considerate way.

[Toots]

having read many, many , many posts on here by all sides of an affair, I have to say that one thing I find somewhat depressing is the fact that some feel that an affair has taught them a lot about life, about themselves, about relationships, etc. . While I think it's great, and I'm all for introspection and self growth, it seems to me that it isfundamentally unfair that the ones who often pay the price for this knowledge are the one's who were never asked nor consulted about the affair in the first place...the betrayed spouses and the families, etc. who often go through the whole thing right along with them.

 

My xMM's BW lost her job, had to emigrate and leave her friends etc and move in with his mother (who hated her). Her son had to move schools at a critical time in his schooling and take exams in a different system and her daughter had to drop out of her studies. They euthanised their pets when they left.

 

I wish he had been more careful. It could all have been avoided if he had just accepted that it was over.

[frozensprouts]

On what basis have you determined life is ever fair?

On what basis have you determined people are consulted over everything that happens in their life?

 

why it is seen as expecting too much to feel that people deserve to be treated with dignity, kindness and respect?

[Toots]

why it is seen as expecting too much to feel that people deserve to be treated with dignity, kindness and respect?

 

Because wars exist, and poverty, and racism, and imperialism, and slavery, and exploitation. If the world was a nice, kind, fair place those would not exist. But they do. So the world is not a nice, kind, fair place. But it is the world we have and we must live in the world we have, not the world we would like.

[frozensprouts]

Because wars exist, and poverty, and racism, and imperialism, and slavery, and exploitation. If the world was a nice, kind, fair place those would not exist. But they do. So the world is not a nice, kind, fair place. But it is the world we have and we must live in the world we have, not the world we would like.

 

hmmm...

 

I can't argue that the world can be a very ugly place, but does that mean that one should feel justified in adding to the ugliness?

 

Perhaps if people examined their own actions on an individual basis things could be a lot better

[Toots]

hmmm...

 

I can't argue that the world can be a very ugly place, but does that mean that one should feel justified in adding to the ugliness?

 

 

The question I replied to wasn't about making things better or worse. It was about why our expectations of being treated with dignity, kindness and respect are likely to be unrealistic. Of course individuals can do things to make it better or worse, but if you live in a war zone you are not surprised by flying bullets.

[seren]

The question I replied to wasn't about making things better or worse. It was about why our expectations of being treated with dignity, kindness and respect are likely to be unrealistic. Of course individuals can do things to make it better or worse, but if you live in a war zone you are not surprised by flying bullets.

 

If you live in a war zone, you know that there is a war and therefore not surprised when bullets fly. If you are married and your husband or wife is having an A, it is not so obvious, so you are only surprised when you are hit by that flying bullet and then you get to know that while you thought you lived in peace, you were actually part of an unseen war .... to use your analogy.

 

Taking it further, I don't know many BS who willingly choose to exist in an A., which is why it hurts so much when it is discovered. WS are very good at gaslighting and creating an, everything is hunky dory, there is no one else and say all the same things, do all the same things with the BS while having a secret life. The price paid for the BS is, IME, that of not knowing what was truth and what were lies. I don't mind dodging bullets if I know where they are coming from and if I have the opportunity to either stay or get the hell out. Informed choice is all, but then it wouldn't work the same for the WS would have to choose or accept that their BS also had the opportunity to look elsewhere.

[NotCamelot]

After D-day and subsequent recovery (on-going), I have learned to live each day to the fullest.....appreciate each and every good thing I can find. I try to keep my guard up so that I can't be hurt by anyone or anything ever again.

 

While I try to build a wall between then and now, the memories still seem able to climb over no matter how big the wall is. But, with each day they do get weaker. And the appreciation of each sunrise and a new day keeps me going.

 

In a lot of ways the marriage is actually better. I don't trust, not completely. Probably never will. But she is trying -- really trying hard to show remorse, regret and a renewed love.

 

I will never be the same. The marriage will never be the same. But, and this is important, I don't want to go back to the old self or marriage. I am finding the new versions of each are more enjoyable.

 

I know that the private investigator side of me is ever watchful. That is one thing I hope to let go of.

 

But, the truth is.....I really wish there was a way to reverse time, fix what led to it, and stop it from ever happening. That would be the perfect world solution.

[scatterd]

I have been cheated on a couple of times with different husbands each one promised they would tell me before they cheated and promised never to hurt me. I found that for some people promises are just words and have no meaning. That even when you think you know a person they are not always what they seem. I miss the security and innocence I had. I am afraid of my children going through the same thing. They was hurt from it when they was young I hope they dont have to deal with it again. Cheating tore up my family before and it can again. My health has not been that great lately I am sick and older and fear starting over again. I wish I can trust and be secure with the man I love but how. Cheating can suck the life out of a person it can take your confidence, trust, happiness away from you. No matter how strong a person is it will hurt and leave scars. I am a strong person that loves deeply and cares so much. From the out side I am fine but deep down I have some scars. I have so much such as my family and friends, I am missing something though trust.

[frozensprouts]

there are so many stories like the ones posted here...people have suffered through no choice of their own, so that other could 'learn so much"

 

my biggest question is ...

 

is that knowledge worth having hurt someone else so much?

 

(please note...I am not saying that wayward spouses or affair partners set out to intentionally hurt the betrayed spouse...maybe a few do, but most don't. It's more like the betrayed spouse is an afterthought)

[waterwoman]

I don't live in a war zone! I have the grand old age of 47 without ever feeling I am living in war zone. I am fortunate to have been surrounded by people who don't feel they live in a war zone . Where do you live?

 

In my experience most people are well-intentioned. They at least wish to act considerately and in a civilised manner towards others. They don't always acheive that but they try. Which is why such failures shock and upset me, but I can treat them with compassion because I don't imagine they intend to pick themselves up then go out and do it again. Am I really wrong? I hope not.