Can a BS cause a WS to cheat?

[BetrayedH]

This was suggested by a poster in another thread.

 

Short of the BS slowly waving their hand in front of the WS and saying, "These are not the droids you're looking for. And by the way, you should search for the solution to our marital problems within a nearby vagina," I tend to think that the decision lies solely with the wayward. Anything else is simply blameshifting.

 

Thoughts?

[silktricks]

The really short answer is NO. The BS may be contributing to the marital problems but the BS is never the cause of cheating. That all belongs to the WS.

[BetrayedH]

I wouldn't let my boba within 10 yards of that sarlac.

 

Where's Darth Vader when you need him?

[BetrayedH]

The really short answer is NO. The BS may be contributing to the marital problems but the BS is never the cause of cheating. That all belongs to the WS.

 

Thank you for your post. I noticed you mentioned marital problems. I acknowledge the existence of marital problems (we all have those, right?) and I think most BSs would take at least some ownership for them. That said, the poster in question made it clear that the question was about "causation" and I gather that your answer on that was, no.

[silktricks]

Other than with serial cheaters, I really don't believe that cheating occurs in the absence of marital problems. The problems may not be very evident, but they will be there. However, that does not imply that the problems are the "cause" of the cheating. They aren't.

 

The cause of the cheating is something that is entirely within the character of the cheater. It can have root cause in childhood, or whatever, but it is the cheater who chooses to cheat.

 

Often times the OP says the BS is the cause, the BS says the OP is the cause. Nope, it's the WS and only the WS who is the cause. Obviously the OP is a contributing factor but if someone is of the mindset to cheat, the OP may be a fairly insignificant player in the overall scheme of things.

[Furious]

No....the Betrayed Spouse does not cause the WS to cheat.

 

It's like saying a child causes the parent to hit them.

[Decorative]

Other than with serial cheaters, I really don't believe that cheating occurs in the absence of marital problems. The problems may not be very evident, but they will be there. However, that does not imply that the problems are the "cause" of the cheating. They aren't.

 

The cause of the cheating is something that is entirely within the character of the cheater. It can have root cause in childhood, or whatever, but it is the cheater who chooses to cheat.

 

Often times the OP says the BS is the cause, the BS says the OP is the cause. Nope, it's the WS and only the WS who is the cause. Obviously the OP is a contributing factor but if someone is of the mindset to cheat, the OP may be a fairly insignificant player in the overall scheme of things.

 

My spouse was the marital problem. I just didn't realize it.

 

I think cheating occurs in happy marriages. It's not a giant percentage- but Glass, Pittman, Vaughn and Fisher all show that it can . It's a complicated mess- and not one size fits all on the reason why.

[drifter777]

Other than with serial cheaters, I really don't believe that cheating occurs in the absence of marital problems. The problems may not be very evident, but they will be there. However, that does not imply that the problems are the "cause" of the cheating. They aren't.

 

The cause of the cheating is something that is entirely within the character of the cheater. It can have root cause in childhood, or whatever, but it is the cheater who chooses to cheat.

 

Often times the OP says the BS is the cause, the BS says the OP is the cause. Nope, it's the WS and only the WS who is the cause. Obviously the OP is a contributing factor but if someone is of the mindset to cheat, the OP may be a fairly insignificant player in the overall scheme of things.

 

I agree with all of this except the bolded. I mean, every marriage has "problems" of some sort all the time. Like you say, the WS is the sole cause of the cheating.

[CantgetoveritNY]

 

Often times the OP says the BS is the cause, the BS says the OP is the cause. Nope, it's the WS and only the WS who is the cause. Obviously the OP is a contributing factor but if someone is of the mindset to cheat, the OP may be a fairly insignificant player in the overall scheme of things.

 

I know I'm going to be scorned here as the enabler. The one that can't face the fact that my WW is total scum. But I will say it again, there are predatory OM & OWs out there that can be far more than a "contributing factor." The WS may very well NOT have a "mindset to cheat" at all. They can be the prey of unscrupulous and experienced serial cheaters.

[Decorative]

I think people, in some circumstances, need to believe cheating cannot happen in a happy marriage.

 

Because they feel like it acts like a talisman against cheating.

 

It doesn't. I learned that the hard way. Hard fall from that horse.

[Steen719]

I know I'm going to be scorned here as the enabler. The one that can't face the fact that my WW is total scum. But I will say it again, there are predatory OM & OWs out there that can be far more than a "contributing factor." The WS may very well NOT have a "mindset to cheat" at all. They can be the prey of unscrupulous and experienced serial cheaters.

 

I would bet that most people, at least most of the women on here have had many opportunities to cheat presented to them many, many times. Sometimes the pursuers are skilled, sometimes not, sometimes attractive, sometimes not...well you get the point. Sometimes when this happens, you are at a low point in your marriage. You either say yes or no. This, IMO, has nothing to do with the skill of the predator (unless the "prey" is mentally incapable of knowing what they are doing). It has everything to do with how a person decides to react to the "predator" - yes or no. Maybe this occurs frequently with men; I don't know. I do know that most women I know have been propositioned on a regular basis and unfortunately, this happens from about the age of 13 until ? One can become (and usually does if it happens enough) very adept at thwarting those attempts to engage you in an affair.

 

Also, I think sometimes one person is unhappy and the other may not be unhappy or may not really be aware that there are unresolved issues. Seems unlikely, but I think it is true, particularly if one partner is a complainer. Some people complain about everything under the sun and from personal experience, I know that I begin to tune that out (even with co-workers) and then begin to think that there are no big problems because every problem is equally important to the "complainer". Just my opinion.

[96nole]

I know I'm going to be scorned here as the enabler. The one that can't face the fact that my WW is total scum. But I will say it again, there are predatory OM & OWs out there that can be far more than a "contributing factor." The WS may very well NOT have a "mindset to cheat" at all. They can be the prey of unscrupulous and experienced serial cheaters.

 

I agree that the OM/OW can be a predator. The counselor my ex and I went to said he believed the dirtbag preyed on my ex.

 

But at the same time my counselor also said, referring to my ex, "she is not a brainless doll." Meaning she still knew what she was doing. She could have told the dirtbag to just F-off.

[Steen719]

FOW here.........OK, going with that line of thinking for a moment here, I was the target of an predatory serial cheater who was also a lying con man. I also have a background that makes a lot of people cringe, abusive, serial cheating father. Does that make me unaccountable........NO, it doesn't. We are all accountable, we can't place the blame on someone else for our choices. Are some of us more likely to fail, sure, I was, but I still can't put it all on him.

 

I should have added this. If a person is lied to about another person's marital status and has no reason to disbelieve that person, obviously, and they are not committed to anyone, that is not the same as knowingly dating someone who is married.

[road]

FOW here.........OK, going with that line of thinking for a moment here, ..........................................

I also have a background that makes a lot of people cringe, abusive, serial cheating father.

 

 

Another reason why not to be a WS. Actions speak louder then words. When the parents cheat the kids are taught the lesson that it is ok to cheat.

 

Break the cycle.

[silktricks]

I know I'm going to be scorned here as the enabler. The one that can't face the fact that my WW is total scum. But I will say it again, there are predatory OM & OWs out there that can be far more than a "contributing factor." The WS may very well NOT have a "mindset to cheat" at all. They can be the prey of unscrupulous and experienced serial cheaters.

 

Absolutely there are predatory OM and OWs out there. They (the WS) can be the prey of unscrupulous and experienced serial cheaters. That said, the WS still could have made the choice to walk away. There is a reason she/he did not. What that reason is lies within him/her, and it also lies within him/her to discover what that reason was and deal with it - so that even should she again encounter an unscrupulous OP the choice to walk will be immediate.

 

Even when being tricked and enticed we are still making choices - the choice may be an unknown choice, but the choice is there. To truly recover from infidelity, the WS needs to fully understand that they made choices and what the circumstances were around those choices. But the BS also needs to understand, accept and forgive the fact that their spouse made bad choices. If we as BS choose rather to believe that because they were tricked they made no choice, then we aren't truly forgiving them, either.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Absolutely there are predatory OM and OWs out there. They (the WS) can be the prey of unscrupulous and experienced serial cheaters. That said, the WS still could have made the choice to walk away. There is a reason she/he did not. What that reason is lies within him/her, and it also lies within him/her to discover what that reason was and deal with it - so that even should she again encounter an unscrupulous OP the choice to walk will be immediate.

 

Even when being tricked and enticed we are still making choices - the choice may be an unknown choice, but the choice is there. To truly recover from infidelity, the WS needs to fully understand that they made choices and what the circumstances were around those choices. But the BS also needs to understand, accept and forgive the fact that their spouse made bad choices. If we as BS choose rather to believe that because they were tricked they made no choice, then we aren't truly forgiving them, either.

 

Thank yo for this. It really makes a lot more sense to me than a lot of other posts about the OM/OW part in affairs versus the WS part. Especially the last part. My own WS is not at all denying her part in the choice she made. She minimizes the role of the OM in my opinion. I should listen to her.

[veryhappy]

Cause? No.

[BetrayedH]

Yes, I took his penis and shoved it into her vagina...therefore I am responsible for his affair.

 

Bad BS. Very bad.

 

I went a step further and gaslighted my wife into thinking it was just an accident where she slipped, tripped, and landed on the OM's penis in 50 different hotel rooms I reserved for them.

[BetrayedH]

You naughty boy.

 

Mwaa ha ha ha! All part of my intent! I made her do it! And it if it weren't for those meddling realists, I'd have gotten away with it, too.

[ComingInHot]

BH;

If that were the case I would have cheated LOooong ago & many times over!! But sadly, for me, I chose not to.

[BetrayedH]

BH;

If that were the case I would have cheated LOooong ago & many times over!! But sadly, for me, I chose not to.

 

I'm glad you didn't. The reality is that we have to own our choices. I have to own some of mine, too. And trust me, I'd love to blame someone else.

[whichwayisup]

The really short answer is NO. The BS may be contributing to the marital problems but the BS is never the cause of cheating. That all belongs to the WS.

 

Totally agree.

[StoneCold]

One's decision is ultimately owned by the one who makes it; in this case the WS. However on the other hand the BS would have to be pretty delusional to think that theres no way they may have played a hand in influencing the decision either directly or indirectly..... this is not always the case....

 

 

but more often than not...........

Edited December 8, 2012 by StoneCold

[JamesM]

While the WS has a free will and decides what options to choose, the marital problems make this option much more attractive.

 

No, a BS does not directly cause the affair. Nor does the BS make the WS choose to cheat. But...the BS does have control over making the marriage more desirable than an affair.

 

So, technically we can all attract or repel our partners. Many WSs never imagined themselves choosing an affair over their marriage and family, and it was only after their marriage was so bad that the AP looked desirable.

 

Affairs don't happen in a vacuum. Most don't happen because of a character flaw. Many happen because of a stupid decision by the WS and not because they are somehow different than you or I.

[BetrayedH]

While the WS has a free will and decides what options to choose, the marital problems make this option much more attractive.

 

No, a BS does not directly cause the affair. Nor does the BS make the WS choose to cheat. But...the BS does have control over making the marriage more desirable than an affair.

 

So, technically we can all attract or repel our partners. Many WSs never imagined themselves choosing an affair over their marriage and family, and it was only after their marriage was so bad that the AP looked desirable.

 

Affairs don't happen in a vacuum. Most don't happen because of a character flaw. Many happen because of a stupid decision by the WS and not because they are somehow different than you or I.

 

I find that my empathy for your situation and its divergence from my own colors my view of your post.

 

Doesn't happen in a vacuum? Ok.

Most don't have a character flaw? Not so sure.

Stupid decision? Yep.

 

Appreciate your thoughtful post.