Tootrusting13 Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]A couple months ago my fiance came clean about having a relationship with another woman for 2 months. They exchanged thousands of texts, he said at first they would just talk (yes dirty pictures were exchanged at first), it then became making out then sex (about 5-6 times) and he said he had feelings for her. Her husband found them and he told me that scared her husband would tell. He said she was ending the affair when they got caught and he is sorry and is trying so hard to stay with me now. prior to our engagement he had broken up with me and he had a relationship while we were broken up and when she ended it he begged me to get back with him. he proposed a couple months later and it was honeymoon all over again for a while. Then we bought a house and as soon as we moved in (about 6 months after getting engaged) he was distant, said had cold feet, slept on the couch a lot. I thought something was up. I find out he told this other woman he loved her after only a couple weeks! She was at our house several times. he had sex with her in our house! he drove her home from work all the time, saw her almost every day during the week even if it was to just talk or make out for a few minutes. he feels guilty wants to change wants us to get married still. Now neither one of us can afford this house on our own and always talks about money so maybe that is why he wants to work this out so badly but we have been through a lot and I cannot seem to throw away 4 years of love. I decided to stay with him. Fast forward a couple months. I decided to forgive him. he seems sincere. wedding is still set in a few months. he has been treating me like everything i wanted. took me on a couple trips and is more attentive. please be patient as i ask for advice. do you think i have anything to worry about. he has not talked to her since. i dont want to make a mistake. i know he only told me of the cheating because the husband was going to but i do feel he is sincere and loves me and is ready for marriage. He was scared both times of commitment but seems sure now. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I know he cheated only 6 months after the engagement but he was scared and now realizes again that he wants me to be his wife. i really think that is the last of his cheating. he seems like a changed man. The thing is though he broke up with me once, came back proposed. Then cheated and now regrets it. It wasnt a one time thing. He had a relationship with her for a couple months. I want to forgive and move on. Do you think people can change? How do I trust again? [/sIZE][/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 He only regrets it because he was caught. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN - he sounds like a compulsive cheater... 20 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Can people change? Yes they can if they are prepared to put the work into it. Can your fiance change? Possibly. Has he changed yet? I doubt it. The thing that stands out to me is that he only comes back to you when the women he has been seeing end it. He may well have been happy for these other relationships to continue and in the meantime has you as his safety net. Is that what you want? 10 Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 I feel sad for you. Not just because you got cheated on, but because you want so badly to believe that he wont do it again. Deep down you know that you will not be able to trust him again, deep down you know that if he cheats on you again it will ruin whatever self esteem you have left - and deep down you know that you shouldn't marry him - but you will still go through with it because you love him and that makes me really sad for you. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Can people change? Yes they can if they are prepared to put the work into it. Can your fiance change? Possibly. Has he changed yet? I doubt it. The thing that stands out to me is that he only comes back to you when the women he has been seeing end it. He may well have been happy for these other relationships to continue and in the meantime has you as his safety net. Is that what you want? So true! Think on that OP. How can you possibly feel secure and loved in a relationship like that? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Okay, my wife took me back. I also had a decade long marriage and we had too much invested in it. I had to work to get the trust back. I may sound like a hypocrite here, but, you're not even married and he cheated on you. Do not marry him. There are already cracks in the foundation. Think of a tower. Each year you add a level to that tower. But the tower starts to stand tall. Sometimes a bolt of lightning might hit the top three floors. You can always rebuild those floors because you have a strong foundation of 10 floors already. Honey, your pouring concrete into the ground and it's cracking. Please don't marry him. 17 Link to post Share on other sites
loredo21 Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY! No, seriously. There is noooo reason to rush into marriage. Especially one that already seems so unclear. There will be plenty of time to tie the knot once he has proven himself to be a changed man. Right now you really need to think about what would happen if you did get married in 3 months and it turns out he wasn't fully remorseful and didn't want to change. Getting out of this thing while married will be a hell of a lot harder emotionally and physically. It is hell. Don't do it. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
leonine Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Reconciliation is hard. Really hard. And it takes a long time. I had an affair, and as much as I love my husband, I don't think either one of us would have tried to stay together if we weren't married and shared the history that we do. Four years and a house together isn't nothing, but it's a lot easier to walk away from than 15 years, entwined families, chlidren, finances, etc. It'll be even harder if he puts you through this again when you get to that point. It's possible that he'll learn from this and change his ways. I really hope he does. I would recommend that you let him prove himself with someone else though. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
wifehurtheart Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 I totally agree with the previous posters.....it almost seems like he's in love with the idea of being in love and keeps you around as a "backup" or safety net. You mentioned that you thought he was afraid of committment --- I'm not so sure he knows what committment truly is, because he doesn't seem to have shown any understanding of it so far. My advice is to get out while you can, but if you decide that you want to marry him (some day), take the time to make him prove to you that he's worthy of your love and your committment to spend your life with him. You deserve better than what he's given you so far. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
CarboniteCammy Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Why would you reward his bad behavior? If he cheats before marriage and you still marry him, imagine what he'll do when you're married and you can't so easily leave. And then you have to think of the practical issues...if he gives you an STD you could be rendered infertile. And it's not like he came clean because he felt bad about what he was doing or that he wanted to stop. He came clean because the OW wanted out of the affair. I personally wouldn't do it. It's the rest of your life and I know you love him but he's already shown you how he deals with committment and it isn't pretty. It's ok to sleep with other people if you're in an open relationship IMHO and everyone is on the same page. But, that wasn't the case in this situation and dishonesty is one of those traits that doesn't just dissapear. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 How can he be sure? Has he changed? Gone to counseling to sort himself out? Doubtful seeing the time frame of your situation. If you marry him, welcome to the world of not trusting him. HE has NOT earned your trust back! Not even close! Get ready for more cheating, because he will. He isn't remorseful. If she didn't end it/get caught, they'd still be having an A. It's your life. I hope you dump him and call off the wedding. Don't even worry about the cost, or what others may think by ending it. They aren't the ones who have to be married and deal with a cheater. Too much drama and heartache already and he's not worth it! HE ain't husband material! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Is this really the way you want start a marriage? It will happen again. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 You think he didn't sleep with this woman? They just had make-out sessions? What are they, 12-year olds? I'm sorry but this is called minimizing and it happens about 100% of the time. It's also called lying and you should marry a guy that's actively lying to you about other women. You nailed it on the head when your concern was about it being more than once. I don't believe in "Once a cheater, always a cheater." But twice? You'll not be a victim when it happens again; you'll have volunteered. You're not married and have no children? Cut your losses. At absolute minimum, you need to postpone the wedding indefinitely. I have a feeling that canceling the wedding is a major obstacle for you. Understandable but you need to find your ladyballs and do it anyway. You need way more than a few months to make this decision, if you even want to stay with him at all. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 (edited) Simply thinking/hoping someone has changed doesn't make it true. Perhaps you guys should attend couple's counseling prior to tying the knot. You seem hasty to just move on from it, and even seem to be saying, "He only did it once, it was only for a couple of months, it's not too bad, right?" Why? I would not feel it was sincere if a man begged me to be back with him because his OW dumped him, then proposed. You seem not to want to "throw away 4 years" and both of you seem like you're trying to marry for unclear reasons. Have you ever dealt with the affair? Or simply got engaged and bought a house and thought that would fix it? I'd get couple's counseling personally. My own stance is that if a boyfriend cheats, I'd probably not marry him. I haven't locked myself into the M yet so to speak, so cheating on me before we do will get you kicked to the curb, as I would be more afraid to invest in a situation which ha already proven insecure. Edited March 15, 2013 by MissBee 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 The thing is though he broke up with me once, came back proposed. Then cheated and now regrets it. It wasnt a one time thing. He had a relationship with her for a couple months. I want to forgive and move on. Do you think people can change? How do I trust again? You are his back-up plan. His "not my first choice", Plan B, "if nothing else works out I've still got her" plan. As long as you're comfortable with that, marry away ... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tootrusting13 Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 thank you for everyones input. i do understand why everyone would feel that way. when he broke up with me last time (2 years ago) i think he may have started seeing the other woman before he officially ended it with me but i have no proof and when that ended he did come back to me and propose. he did only cheat the one time after we were engaged for those 2 months with her. yes it was only a month since we had moved into our place together but he seems remorseful and he is still with me. no matter what he does he still stays or comes back to me. that has to mean something right? i dont know if it is because he was possibly going to get caught that he told me. i read that many men get cold feet and act out this way under the pressure of buying a house and getting married soon. im still confused. it is hard to think of starting over and i want this to work. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 thank you for everyones input. i do understand why everyone would feel that way. when he broke up with me last time (2 years ago) i think he may have started seeing the other woman before he officially ended it with me but i have no proof and when that ended he did come back to me and propose. he did only cheat the one time after we were engaged for those 2 months with her. yes it was only a month since we had moved into our place together but he seems remorseful and he is still with me. no matter what he does he still stays or comes back to me. that has to mean something right? i dont know if it is because he was possibly going to get caught that he told me. i read that many men get cold feet and act out this way under the pressure of buying a house and getting married soon. im still confused. it is hard to think of starting over and i want this to work. What do you think it means? I think it means that he knows you put up with his crap and you're safe. So he can **** around, play you and use you and you will take him back. I'm sure everyone gets cold feet and a little scared but not everyone reacts to it by cheating. Also, think about this - what if you marry him and get pregnant - the pregnancy "scares" him - do you really want him running around behind you're back when you're pregnant? Because obviously that's how he reacts to being "scared" by the big things in life? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sweetkiwi Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 thank you for everyones input. i do understand why everyone would feel that way. when he broke up with me last time (2 years ago) i think he may have started seeing the other woman before he officially ended it with me but i have no proof and when that ended he did come back to me and propose. he did only cheat the one time after we were engaged for those 2 months with her. yes it was only a month since we had moved into our place together but he seems remorseful and he is still with me. no matter what he does he still stays or comes back to me. that has to mean something right? i dont know if it is because he was possibly going to get caught that he told me. i read that many men get cold feet and act out this way under the pressure of buying a house and getting married soon. im still confused. it is hard to think of starting over and i want this to work. Everyone has been nice to you and told you POINT BLANK do NOT MARRY THAT MAN. And still you sit making excuses for him. So go ahead and marry him. He'll cheat and you'll forgive and he'll be remoresful for being caught and you can "save" him from his guilt and love the STUPID out of him. Seriously. Sounds perfect to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tootrusting13 Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 everyone has been extremely nice and i do honestly appreciate it. i just wonder why he would still be so insistent on getting married if he hasnt changed. he seems to want to move forward. maybe i am being naive but it is a huge life decision. but i do seriously thank those who have offered advice and took the time to help. maybe i just want to believe in him. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetkiwi Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 everyone has been extremely nice and i do honestly appreciate it. i just wonder why he would still be so insistent on getting married if he hasnt changed. he seems to want to move forward. maybe i am being naive but it is a huge life decision. but i do seriously thank those who have offered advice and took the time to help. maybe i just want to believe in him. How old are you?? I dont mean tp be demeaning I am seriously wondering. Because if you are anywhere around my age (25) you should realize this is a HUGE life altering decision and you are entering a LEGALLY BINDING CONTRACT with someone who you KNOW will hurt you. You cannot change him. You cannot "believe in him" and make his flaws go away. YOUR NECK is the only one on the chopping block. UNDERSTAND??? If you were my girlfriend I would shake you. You are free to make your own mistakes of course. Which you already have regarding this man. But growth comes from LEARNING FROM MISTAKES which it seems you are incapable of. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 i just wonder why he would still be so insistent on getting married if he hasnt changed. Perhaps it's because he needs a home base from which he can receive his emails and texts from other women ??? You'd be amazed at the number of cheaters that can successfully compartmentalize their lives. GF/Wife on one side, other stuff separately in another little box. He may not even feel he's doing anything wrong... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sweetkiwi Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 ^^^ what comes next?? Let's hope she doesn't have sisters.... You hit the nail on the head. This guy gets off on lying. Sneaking. Hiding. Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 everyone has been extremely nice and i do honestly appreciate it. i just wonder why he would still be so insistent on getting married if he hasnt changed. he seems to want to move forward. maybe i am being naive but it is a huge life decision. but i do seriously thank those who have offered advice and took the time to help. maybe i just want to believe in him. He does it because he can, you need to take off the rose colored glasses. He has been cheating and only fessed up when he had been caught. Don't believe the "we just ended it line", that is just a bunch of BS. He will probably end it with this woman as her husband has laid down the law with her. He on the other hand will be a good boy just long enough to get back in your good graces and then that old wondering eye will start to focus on someone new. Now you can marry him and do this year after year or do what old Barney Fife recommended and just "nip it in the bud" right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 maybe i just want to believe in him. Tootrusting That's the issue, you want to believe his words but his actions are contrary to his history of cheating. He knows what buttons to push, he can make promises and break them. He may love you, but at what price are you willing to pay for his love. Weddings are not about the dress and flowers, or feeling it's too late to postpone the wedding. This is your future, how can you honestly feel like a happily married couple if you begin your lives on a weak foundation. I think if you're worried, maybe the best option is to postpone the wedding, get individual and couples counseling, see how things go from there. Why rush into marriage, why make such an important life commitment if even before you're married you have doubts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Are you at least going to PRE-MARITAL counseling? This is something that you should make mandatory for the wedding to happen. And his cheating should definitely be discussed as it sounds like so far, he hasn't had any real consequences. Are you prepared to love yourself enough to walk away?* Link to post Share on other sites
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