Sample No Contact Letter?

[2sure]

Cant find one. Is there one?

I have a friend in need.

[2sure]

I also wish there were some kind of quick reference for a BS to outline a DDay Process . Like a 10 Step process of Dos and Donts.

 

My friend is in rough shape. Hysterical possibly.

[angie2443]

I know there is a poster here who has a link in his post about a guide to NC. Maybe this will have some helpful information. I'll try to look for this.

[thomasb]

There are a couple great ones on the marriage builders site. A lot of helpful info for the couple there actually.

[waterwoman]

Please go away and leave me alone!!!!

 

cheers

 

xMM/xMW

 

 

 

How about that?

[2sure]

BS , my friend, exposed the A to the other BS. In the nicest, not misunderstandable email. He responded with insults, misbelief, accusations that she was insecure and basically crazy.

 

I never heard of that

[Ninja'sHusband]

Sample No Contact Letters | AFFAIRCARE

 

(I didn't read them thoroughly btw)

[wanting more]

Sample No Contact Letters | AFFAIRCARE

 

(I didn't read them thoroughly btw)

 

I read thru them, as a fOW I think the 1st one is clear and to the point. I wish I'd had gotten one at the time.

(just my thoughts on this)

[SidLyon]

BS , my friend, exposed the A to the other BS. In the nicest, not misunderstandable email. He responded with insults, misbelief, accusations that she was insecure and basically crazy.

 

I never heard of that

 

My fWH's NC letter to the OW was:

 

"S has found out about our affair. I love S and want to stay married to her. I will not be contacting you again and request that you do not contact me. I am sorry for the pain I caused both S and you."

 

This should come from the WH and given that the other BH is obviously being gaslighted, the WH should include the other BH in the copy. In this instance I would also include a specific apology to the other BH as well as an invitation for the BH to contact the WH.

 

It would be a brave BH who would somehow assume that both a crazy woman and her husband were telling lies about his wife.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

The no contact letter should be from the cheater to the affair partner.

 

The betrayed spouse should basically tell the cheater what to write.

 

I personally like to see the cheater subtly denigrate the affair partner and threaten harassment charges. The letter should be hand written. Not an email or text. It should be short and sweet. Then it should be given to the betrayed spouse to send certified mail to the affair partner.

 

Affair Partner:

 

Don't ever contact me again. I have chosen my spouse over you and there really was no comparison - my spouse is better than you in every way that matters to me. If you try to contact me again, I will not answer, I will show your attempt at contact to my spouse, and my spouse and I both will file harassment charges against you.

 

Signed,

 

Cheater

 

Of course the no contact letter can't stop contact. If the cheater wants to take it underground, there is no way to stop it. There are too many ways to communicate that don't leave enough of a trace, it can be done at work, it can be done through games or apps that can be deleted and reinstalled that only show as data usage with no call log, there are burner phones, the cheaters can share a secret email account like Petraeus did with his affair partner and delete browsing history.

 

One of the main purposes of the no contact letter (including subtly denigrating the affair partner) is to judge the remorse of the cheater by their willingness to handwrite it. Many cheaters will balk at writing it, or will resist it, which gives the betrayed spouse an idea that the cheater is not really ready to do what is needed to re-commit to the marriage.

 

Another option is to get an attorney to send such a letter on your behalf, on the attorney's letterhead.

 

Affair Partner:

 

Please be advised that I have been retained by Cheater and Cheater's Spouse to represent them regarding any possible future harassment by you. Take this as official notification that my clients do not want you to attempt to contact either of them ever again. If you do attempt to contact them again in any way, shape, or form, my clients will pursue legal action against you to the fullest extent of the law.

 

Attorney Name

[SidLyon]

While I understand that letters like this are intended 2 respect everyone's "humanity" (or something along those lines), I no longer believe that the OP is entitled 2 an apology for having an affair with them. What's up with that anyway? It's insulting 2 the BS 2 apologize 2 both of them in the same breath.

 

I sent an NC email 2 Rat Meat about 2 years after d-day, when my W saw him again for the first time on a field trip 2 his workplace out of state, with a class she was involved with. It accomplished nothing.

 

The only thing that works is 2 ac2ally go no contact on the other person and stick with it. Contacting them 2 tell them you're not contacting them is a complete waste of effort and misplaced "respect".

 

-ol' 2long

 

I understand your point, however I wasn't insulted. The NC letter served it's purpose in our situation.

[Mycatsnuggles]

If they have been in an affair for awhile I would think the ow/om would recognize their tone of voice in their writing. If I had received a form letter or one written by the bs I would have known and questioned its veracity. It would be best if the WS writes the letter with the BS approval. If the WS is serious about reconcilling they should be able to write a sincere letter letting the OP know they want to end.

 

I can understand wanting an inpersonal form letter that would make the end of the affair I just don't believe it would be as effective as a letter written with sincerity.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

If they have been in an affair for awhile I would think the ow/om would recognize their tone of voice in their writing. If I had received a form letter or one written by the bs I would have known and questioned its veracity. It would be best if the WS writes the letter with the BS approval. If the WS is serious about reconcilling they should be able to write a sincere letter letting the OP know they want to end.

 

I can understand wanting an inpersonal form letter that would make the end of the affair I just don't believe it would be as effective as a letter written with sincerity.

 

I think you are missing the point of the no contact letter. It is not to see if the affair partner would actually honor the no contact request contain in the letter.

 

One of the main purposes of the no contact letter (including subtly denigrating the affair partner) is to judge the remorse of the cheater by their willingness to handwrite it. Many cheaters will balk at writing it, or will resist it, which gives the betrayed spouse an idea that the cheater is not really ready to do what is needed to re-commit to the marriage.

 

Another purpose is to make it easier to get a restraining order against the affair partner later on if the affair partner does attempt to make contact. The betrayed spouse will have a copy of a letter sent by certified mail putting the affair partner on notice that the cheater and betrayed spouse both want no further contact or intrusion into their marriage. If the betrayed spouse finds out that no contact has been broken, the cheater will be faced with a decision - go along with the betrayed spouse's desire to seek a restraining order against the affair partner, or lose the marriage. If the cheater balks at seeking the restraining order, then the betrayed spouse knows the cheater is not serious about truly maintaining no contact.

 

I read your threads and I am sorry you married a man you are not sexually attracted to, but I believe that cheating is morally wrong. I believe that if you made a mistake in marrying your husband you should just tell your husband how you feel rather than be deceitful and cheat behind his back. If you tell him about your affair and he is OK with it, that is between the two of you.

[seren]

We didn't send a NC letter, H didn't want anything further to do with OW, as a result she convinced herself I was preventing him speaking to her, nothing was further from the truth as I felt he should end it and give her closure. I had all the accusations of he wouldn't do this, she knew him, I was stopping him, so much so that I wish he had sent a letter of NC. I am of the mind that while H is the person who betrayed me, OW enabled this, but I don't think I would expect anger in the NC letter as I knew that she was hurt, some may say tough luck, but I didn't need her to feel bad as I felt indifference.

 

I know my views aren't shared, but if there were a NC letter, it would go something like this:

 

 

AP

 

I am writing to inform you that I have been given the chance to rebuild my marriage. My BS knows about our affair, I have told her everything she wants to know and she will have access to anything and everything she needs and wants so she can decide if she can forgive me for the hurt I have brought to our marriage.

 

We do not want any further contact with you, in any form, there will be no secrets between me and my wife, so any reply from you, in any form will be shared with her and your BS (if there is one).

 

I am deeply sorry for the hurt I have brought to my wife and family and have only myself to blame for this, I shall be working hard to gain her trust and if I am lucky, her love. If I have led you believe there was any future for us I apologise, it was never my intention to hurt anyone, but of course affairs will always hurt someone.

 

We both hope that you honour our request to comply with no contact. There will be no further contact.

[skylarblue]

Is the NC letter being sent by the WS or the BS? I agree with the previous poster that even if she writes it, it's probably best if it's delivered by him. I think using a sample letter as a guideline is a good idea. It may keep the BS focused on its intent and from getting too personal, attacking, or anything else that might incite further problems or contact by the OW.

 

Why is a NC letter needed? If the OW is contacting him why can't he just tell her to stop and that no further contact is desired or will be attempted or returned. Then just ignore all attempted contact by her. If the OW is not contacting him (and the letter is just to reinforced that the A is over) then there's really no need and probably best not to re-engage.

[Mycatsnuggles]

MF if your purpose is to denergate the OP your letter would be perfect. If you want the OP to stay away having the WS tell them just that is the better option IMO. What you purposing is in effect telling the OP - look my BS made me write this letter, (actual words: stay the f away, I want nothing to do with you. My spouse is perfect and i love them more then life. I was a fool to be with someone like you) what the OP reads:I really don't mean these things, wait I will contact you when its safe.

 

sorry buts thats how I would read the letter.

 

Your assuming all OP's are stalkers who will continually hunt down their partner. Is there bunny boilers - absolutely. But how is taking a threatening stance against a BB helping?

 

Be firm, be absolute, but let it be from the WS. We all have styles of writing words we say which become familiar the more we interact with someone. If I am telling someone I never want to see them again, I would want them to know its from me, of my own free will. Not something my BS wrote for me to sign and send.

 

For myself I would respect their wishes and no its done. Isn;t that part of the purpose to get rid of the OP. A nc letter lets them know the affair is outted and over. No reason to check the email, text, whatever, and to not SEND any.

 

Unless you want to engage with the OP as a form of punishment to them? I just think its better to have it over and done with. Work on the marriage, the OP was a symptom, don't give them more credit by making them the problem. JMHO

[ladydesigner]

My WH did 3 NC letters.

 

One was verbally on DDay from him and contact was broken after that.

 

Second was written by me and sent by him and contact was broken after that.

 

Third I didn't care one way or another and he told her in his own terms that it was over. So far I haven't discovered broken NC, but the next time there is MOW is my guest I will give her my blessing.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

MF if your purpose is to denergate the OP your letter would be perfect. If you want the OP to stay away having the WS tell them just that is the better option IMO. What you purposing is in effect telling the OP - look my BS made me write this letter, (actual words: stay the f away, I want nothing to do with you. My spouse is perfect and i love them more then life. I was a fool to be with someone like you) what the OP reads:I really don't mean these things, wait I will contact you when its safe.

 

sorry buts thats how I would read the letter.

 

Your assuming all OP's are stalkers who will continually hunt down their partner. Is there bunny boilers - absolutely. But how is taking a threatening stance against a BB helping?

 

Be firm, be absolute, but let it be from the WS. We all have styles of writing words we say which become familiar the more we interact with someone. If I am telling someone I never want to see them again, I would want them to know its from me, of my own free will. Not something my BS wrote for me to sign and send.

 

For myself I would respect their wishes and no its done.Isn;t that part of the purpose to get rid of the OP. A nc letter lets them know the affair is outted and over. No reason to check the email, text, whatever, and to not SEND any.

 

Unless you want to engage with the OP as a form of punishment to them? I just think its better to have it over and done with. Work on the marriage, the OP was a symptom, don't give them more credit by making them the problem. JMHO

 

Once again, I think you are missing my point.

 

The no contact letter absolutely CANNOT prevent contact. The purpose IS NOT to prevent contact. The purpose is for the betrayed spouse to gauge the mental state of the cheater.

 

Believe it or not, many if not most cheaters who are truly ready to work on the marriage will write such a letter without hesitation. Those cheaters who are NOT ready to work on the marriage will balk or resist at writing the letter. The betrayed spouse can then make an assessment of whether it is worth the effort to try to reconcile, of just file for divorce and move on.

 

If taking marriage vows in front of friends, family and God to forsake all others is not enough to prevent the cheaters from cheating, certainly a no contact letter, no matter what it contains, will do little to deter an affair.

 

The purpose is for the betrayed spouse to assess whether to reconcile with a truly remorseful cheater who is willing to throw their affair partner under the bus and work on the marriage or file for divorce on an unrepentant cheater who is not willing to do what the betrayed spouse needs to heal from the lies, deceit and betrayal.

 

So the purpose is not to establish no contact; nor is it to punish the affair partner; the purpose is to help the betrayed spouse make a judgement about how remorseful the cheater is and whether to proceed with reconciliation.

 

If the cheater wants to continue the affair, they will continue it; if they want to end the affair, they will end it; regardless of whether or not a no contact letter is sent. Just read the threads on this forum if you doubt the meaninglessness of the "no contact" letter to the cheater and the affair partner. The no contact letter only has meaning to the betrayed spouse as a tool to gauge the remorsefulness of the cheater.

[SidLyon]

Once again, I think you are missing my point.

 

The no contact letter absolutely CANNOT prevent contact. The purpose IS NOT to prevent contact. The purpose is for the betrayed spouse to gauge the mental state of the cheater.

 

Believe it or not, many if not most cheaters who are truly ready to work on the marriage will write such a letter without hesitation. Those cheaters who are NOT ready to work on the marriage will balk or resist at writing the letter. The betrayed spouse can then make an assessment of whether it is worth the effort to try to reconcile, of just file for divorce and move on.

 

If taking marriage vows in front of friends, family and God to forsake all others is not enough to prevent the cheaters from cheating, certainly a no contact letter, no matter what it contains, will do little to deter an affair.

 

The purpose is for the betrayed spouse to assess whether to reconcile with a truly remorseful cheater who is willing to throw their affair partner under the bus and work on the marriage or file for divorce on an unrepentant cheater who is not willing to do what the betrayed spouse needs to heal from the lies, deceit and betrayal.

 

So the purpose is not to establish no contact; nor is it to punish the affair partner; the purpose is to help the betrayed spouse make a judgement about how remorseful the cheater is and whether to proceed with reconciliation.

 

If the cheater wants to continue the affair, they will continue it; if they want to end the affair, they will end it; regardless of whether or not a no contact letter is sent. Just read the threads on this forum if you doubt the meaninglessness of the "no contact" letter to the cheater and the affair partner. The no contact letter only has meaning to the betrayed spouse as a tool to gauge the remorsefulness of the cheater.

 

Actually I tend to partially agree with this. As you've said a NC letter can mean nothing if the A goes underground. A NC letter could be sent, the BS could assess that the WS truly wants reconciliation and yet it could still not be true. On the other hand a refusal to establish NC with the AP gives a strong indication that the WS is not really committed to reconciliation.

 

Despite this, I favour the idea of a NC letter at least as a starting point for reconciliation, irrespective of what the "true purpose" is.

[waterwoman]

Agree with mickey. H dithered about writing a NC letter because he reckoned it was done and dusted, and also it would have caused OW unnecessary pain. He'd texted her, he'd met her in person at work and briefly reiterated that it was over. My beef was that I didn't see the text and wasn't privy to the conversation. After a while he understood my problem but then pointed out it would have started up communication between them again. Which was a good point. So he wrote the letter for me - it was a kind of love letter to me through the medium of tying up loose ends with her. It helped me a great deal - in fact it was a watershed for me.

 

I never wanted him to hurt her. That wasn't the purpose. I wanted him to heal me from the pain he had caused.

[jnel921]

If the WS is remorseful and wants to R, I feel letters like this are unnecessary. I would not want to acknowledge the OW any more than I need to.

 

I would want her to feel as disregarded and forgotten as I did when she spent that time she did with my H.

 

Frick her and that note. Silence is the best revenge.

[beenburned]

I can see both sides of this issue and the reasons behind it.

 

When my D's H broke up with his OW(after d-day), it was done in person.

This was a 4 year affair in which he promised her marriage and children.

He also picked up several of his personal items that he had left at her house.

 

The OW would not accept his words that it was all over, and had changed his mind completely. She became enraged and started stalking the whole family.(the wife and young child also) They finally had to get a restraining order against her to stop all of her bunny boiling actions!

 

Not too long after this the OW found out he had an OOW during half of their affair. She was enraged and contacted both the OOW and my D by phone.

They all compared all the evidence and all dropped him immediately! D filed for divorce with all the evidence provided by both OW. It was jaw dropping the lengths he had gone to with all the lies and fraud!(hidden loans, maxed out credit cards, and stealing from D's personal bank accounts)

[Snowflower]

If the WS is remorseful and wants to R, I feel letters like this are unnecessary. I would not want to acknowledge the OW any more than I need to.

 

I would want her to feel as disregarded and forgotten as I did when she spent that time she did with my H.

 

Frick her and that note. Silence is the best revenge.

 

Very much agree with this and this was my situation as well. ^^^^

 

I know some recovering from infidelity advocates suggest the husband and wife send a letter like this but I would have never done it. It seemed like it was giving the affair and the OW more consideration than they deserved.

 

Silence speaks volumes and is deafening!

 

2Sure, how is your friend doing?

Edited April 23, 2013 by Snowflower