Mystery of the pyramids... I mean my stupid problems

[Betterthanthis13]

When this guy confessed to cheating on me with "the one girl the one time" last year, it was very simple to me. I broke up with him and left. Dont get me wrong- it took a little time, and it hurt and I cried but there was no doubt in my mind. In my head I reasoned that we had an agreement not to have sex with other people. I kept up my end of the bargain.

 

He could have chosen to break up with me using words, but instead chose to break up with me by breaking the no sex with other people agreement. That's not just being a bad boyfriend. That is, essentially, saying I am NOT your boyfriend, without using words.

 

Maybe that's bad logic but that is how I think.

 

Some things don't fit under the category of "relationship problems". They fall under the category of "I'm not going to inform you that we are no longer together.... but WE ARE NO LONGER TOGETHER and you are a total sucker if you stick around. If you listen to anything I have to say from this point forward you need to have your head examined, you are simply being kept around for my amusement."

 

1. Physical Cheating

2. Physical Assault

3. Unexplained disappearance/ moving to another country without warning

4. Actively dating others while in a relationship/ married

 

Now I get that there are people who have been together for years and years are genuinely confused and have affairs and genuinely in reconciliation and this thread is not for you. And I apologize for my rotten attitude about cheating.

 

My questions are--- this is the way I personally thought about cheating. I took the appropriate action and left the guy when he cheated on me. So...

 

1. What in the hell was I thinking giving him a second chance?!?!?

2. Now that he dropped the bomb that the "one girl one time" story was a big fat lie and that he is a sex addict that for the last year has been making every effort to control his addiction on his own but is in danger of slipping up and is coming forward because he doesn't want to lose me so is going to get help and do whatever it takes and blah blah blah. How is my head not supposed to explode from that information?

[AllTooWell]

I like the way you defined cheating as almost like they're dumping you without doing it. In some cases, mostly young relationships, that may be true.

 

But even if you KNOW you shouldn't give him a second chance, the heart makes us do stupid and crazy things. What happened with your second chance? Is it just starting or? More details please.

 

As for #2, there are a few things you should look at. This man is an addict. But he has admitted he has a problem and says he's willing to get help. Addiction is never 'cured' - if you want to be with this man, are you willing to deal with this for the rest of your life?

 

Can you actually trust him again, knowing what you know about him?

 

Is he actually going to get help and make a sincere effort in staying committed to you?

 

I don't know much about sex addiction.

 

It seems like you know giving him a second chance was a bad idea. And it seems like now he's claimed he is a sex addict, you want out.

 

So leave.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

You should read up on sex addiction

 

Horrible

 

Horrifying

 

Then decide.

[Betterthanthis13]

I like the way you defined cheating as almost like they're dumping you without doing it. In some cases, mostly young relationships, that may be true.

 

But even if you KNOW you shouldn't give him a second chance, the heart makes us do stupid and crazy things. What happened with your second chance? Is it just starting or? More details please.

 

As for #2, there are a few things you should look at. This man is an addict. But he has admitted he has a problem and says he's willing to get help. Addiction is never 'cured' - if you want to be with this man, are you willing to deal with this for the rest of your life?

 

Can you actually trust him again, knowing what you know about him?

 

Is he actually going to get help and make a sincere effort in staying committed to you?

 

I don't know much about sex addiction.

 

It seems like you know giving him a second chance was a bad idea. And it seems like now he's claimed he is a sex addict, you want out.

 

So leave.

 

More details are posted haphazardly in bits and pieces throughout the forum as I spew my bile over my fellow loveshackers for the last month, haha.. But here is a coherent summary in chronological order.

 

Met about 4 years ago. Dated a few months. Nothing serious. I was 2 years out of a 10 year long relationship and thought he was too young for me. (He's 4 yrs younger). We stayed friends, hung out once in awhile, saw each other at the gym, he'd stop by my house every now and then and we would talk about stupid stuff. Even other guys and girls we were dating. It seemed very normal. I never got the impression that he was some kind of maniac having sex with a different woman every night at that time. You would think I would have some kind of clue.

 

I really did like the guy but I was divorced and had a teenager. He was never married and even though 4 years isn't a huge age difference it seemed like it to me. I just couldn't take him seriously. That's what I was thinking. I had always dated older guys. It just seemed weird. But after a couple of months of being friends he CONVINCED me, over time, that we should give it a shot, that he was falling in love with me, that he couldn't go on dates anymore he just wanted to be with me blah blah blah.

 

So we have a relationship and all is good. Time passes. My kid goes off to college. We decide to move in together. I move in to his place. I start noticing some VERY STRANGE things. Ok, he's a guy. Ok, he's been living on his own for awhile. Ok, he's kinda a slob. Ok, he likes porn. I knew all that. But if I told you what I found when I moved the bed to clean under it for the first time you would throw your computer across the room and run into the kitchen and stab yourself in the face with a knife screaming please please don't ever make me read anything like that ever again!!!!!

 

Then I started getting suspicious, then I started playing detective, then I started questioning, then he started lying and denying, then he FINALLY told me the "truth"--- "yes!! I'm so sorry! I slept with that one girl that one time!!!"

 

It was a mistake, Ill never do it again, please don't leave, yadda yadda yadda

 

I left, I moved out, did not speak to him for months

 

I was apparently possessed by aliens from outer space and he convinced me to give him another chance- we got back together

 

He has not cheated on me or done anything wrong since then until a month ago,

I was out of town and he texted a girl (that he used to sleep with)"hey how are you"

 

We had a giant fight, ended up lasting about a week, over a text message.

 

 

He decided he was a sex addict, came clean about what really happened in the past- it was NOT "one time with one girl"- it was a lot of times with a lot of girls, online dating on plenty of fish, ashley madison, craigslist, backpage, massage parlors, etc. etc.

Since that day a month or so ago he has been going to sex addict meetings and reading books and going to some therapist. And I bought a gazillion books joined a support group and got a new therapist. And came here to write mini novels.

[Betterthanthis13]

You should read up on sex addiction

 

Horrible

 

Horrifying

 

Then decide.

 

Yeah. So far everything I've read sucks donkey balls. I'm not hopeful at all for a future with this person. I just want to crawl in a hole and hide.

 

Sorry for the foul language I can't think of a pleasant way to express my true feelings about sex addiction.

[BetrayedH]

My personal vote is that you just plain run. If you have a question, it should just he how far or how fast.

 

I really don't want to minimize your pain at all. But I think to some extent you got lucky finding this out before you got married to this guy and especially before you had children together. I was with my wife for 19 years, married for 12, and had two children ages 4 and 8 at the time I found that my wife has been having a year-long affair replete with about 60-70 daytime hotel stays and a threesome with a prostitute. I wish to hell I could escape that woman but now I am locked into co-parenting with her for another 12 years. I tried to reconcile with her but she just couldn't stop lying. She wasted 12 years of my life and now I'm stuck dealing with her almost daily for another 12. I wish so bad that I could just get the eff out.

 

You're not married and have no children with this guy? Friggin' run like the wind.

[Betterthanthis13]

My personal vote is that you just plain run. If you have a question, it should just he how far or how fast.

 

I really don't want to minimize your pain at all. But I think to some extent you got lucky finding this out before you got married to this guy and especially before you had children together. I was with my wife for 19 years, married for 12, and had two children ages 4 and 8 at the time I found that my wife has been having a year-long affair replete with about 60-70 daytime hotel stays and a threesome with a prostitute. I wish to hell I could escape that woman but now I am locked into co-parenting with her for another 12 years. I tried to reconcile with her but she just couldn't stop lying. She wasted 12 years of my life and now I'm stuck dealing with her almost daily for another 12. I wish so bad that I could just get the eff out.

 

You're not married and have no children with this guy? Friggin' run like the wind.

 

Holy Toledo.

 

There aren't bad enough words to string together to express what I want to say what you just wrote.My pain is minimal in comparison.

 

I'd never marry this guy. I'm not having more kids period, my child is grown and in college. Co-parenting with my ex husband and his wife was fun, we all got along. We were divorced at 22 there was no ill will or adultery.

 

I know I have to stop thinking about it soon, it's just still fresh and he's still right in my face. I can't choose this life--no way in hell. I just don't get it. It makes absolutely no sense to me AT ALL.

 

Your wife makes no sense to me AT ALL.

 

They might as well be from an entirely different planet.

 

I understand being upset. Being spiteful. Hateful. Doing stupid things. Making mistakes. Being depressed. Being sorry. All kinds of stuff. I'm not a rigid holier than thou kind of person. If you can explain something to me and have it make logical sense I will accept it even if I don't like it or don't agree with it.

 

Polyamorous people make sense. I don't like it and don't want to participate, but they are totally logical and i am cool with what they do. I appreciate that they tell you up front they will be sleeping around. Great, thanks! Now I can avoid dating you. Awesome. You rock.

 

I already know I don't want to be around cheaters. I just can't make SENSE of it. They lie! How can I avoid them? More than half of people feel this type of thing is totally ok? More than half of people cheat. No biggie. Right? It's all a big game. Somehow I got stuck with one. I'm lucky I didn't get so entrenched that I can't get out- I can- I do feel lucky for that. Very lucky.

 

But what about you??? What about all the other people who suffer and question, WHY??? Why me?

 

There are so many stories and so many different reasons for these cheaters to cheat, so many excuses, so many lies, so much bull****- what is the friggin point?!?

 

When you grow up, aren't you supposed to be an adult? Not a selfish little child that forgot they are not supposed to go play with other peepees and vajayjays when they promised not to?

 

I'm in the twilight zone. I just didn't realize it until a month ago.

[Betterthanthis13]

BetrayedH- this might sound ridiculous, but in my mind what your wife did to you should be criminally prosecutable.

 

We put people in jail for owning a large amount of plants.

 

But not for knowingly destroying another human beings life when they had many other options?

 

That's just bizarre.

 

I don't do drugs or support legalizing marijuana.

[SammySammy]

You're human. Humans do things like have compassion and forgive. That's why you gave him a second chance. It's perfectly normal.

 

Sexual addiction though ... that's rough. I really don't know how you can go forward with this if you hate liars and cheaters. He might be fighting that dragon for a long time.

 

But, you've got to let us know what you found under that bed! Don't leave us hanging!

[jphcbpa]

I have been around 12 step recovery in various programs for nearly a decade. Recovery is possible, I see it daily.

 

Good for you for working on yourself. There is a reason this is all happening and your purpose is to find that out.

[BetrayedH]

Holy Toledo.

 

There aren't bad enough words to string together to express what I want to say what you just wrote.My pain is minimal in comparison.

 

I'd never marry this guy. I'm not having more kids period, my child is grown and in college. Co-parenting with my ex husband and his wife was fun, we all got along. We were divorced at 22 there was no ill will or adultery.

 

I know I have to stop thinking about it soon, it's just still fresh and he's still right in my face. I can't choose this life--no way in hell. I just don't get it. It makes absolutely no sense to me AT ALL.

 

Your wife makes no sense to me AT ALL.

 

They might as well be from an entirely different planet.

 

I understand being upset. Being spiteful. Hateful. Doing stupid things. Making mistakes. Being depressed. Being sorry. All kinds of stuff. I'm not a rigid holier than thou kind of person. If you can explain something to me and have it make logical sense I will accept it even if I don't like it or don't agree with it.

 

Polyamorous people make sense. I don't like it and don't want to participate, but they are totally logical and i am cool with what they do. I appreciate that they tell you up front they will be sleeping around. Great, thanks! Now I can avoid dating you. Awesome. You rock.

 

I already know I don't want to be around cheaters. I just can't make SENSE of it. They lie! How can I avoid them? More than half of people feel this type of thing is totally ok? More than half of people cheat. No biggie. Right? It's all a big game. Somehow I got stuck with one. I'm lucky I didn't get so entrenched that I can't get out- I can- I do feel lucky for that. Very lucky.

 

But what about you??? What about all the other people who suffer and question, WHY??? Why me?

 

There are so many stories and so many different reasons for these cheaters to cheat, so many excuses, so many lies, so much bull****- what is the friggin point?!?

 

When you grow up, aren't you supposed to be an adult? Not a selfish little child that forgot they are not supposed to go play with other peepees and vajayjays when they promised not to?

 

I'm in the twilight zone. I just didn't realize it until a month ago.

 

I am still here over 2 years past Dday and just a few months shy of a year past divorce and I still don't get it either. They say that acceptance is the last stage of grief and I find it to be true. What I am trying to accept is that I will probably never understand. I think some are fortunate enough to get some closure from their wayward spouse through hard-fought reconciliations. Perhaps that would give me some closure. But I know I'll never get that from my ex. She made her decision to divorce and closed off communicating about any of it. My closure has to come from within. I'm still waiting for it to happen. I could understand if I had been a poor husband or a poor father. There was no emotional abuse, no physical abuse, no substance abuse. We had two good jobs, two great kids, a new home, two new cars, and so on. I could even understand if I had been a difficult person to talk to or negotiate with. But I think my friends here can vouch for me that I'm a pretty reasonable, rational, and empathetic character. Yet her affair was filled with some enjoyment of cuckolding me. She even wrote a blog where she reveled in the fact that I wouldn't know how much she enjoyed being effed by the OM on my couch. Everyone we knew would have said that we were the best example of a happily married couple that they knew. We counseled others on how to do it. My family was devastated by it. No one gets it. I was thrown out like a poece of trash. And she enjoyed how disrespectful it was. My point is that I can relate to the not comprehending it thing.

 

Intellectually, I've come to understand and accept that it truly wasn't about me but something broken within her. I've also come to accept that we have a tendency to project our own value systems onto those that we love. It's natural to expect that other people think and behave like we would. Some do. But a lot of the population doesn't. In the end, they are just going to protect their own interests. And when I was no longer my wife's interest, well, you can see what happened. After reading and studying for 2 1/2 years, I'm quite surprised at how rampant it is. It turns out that common decency isn't very common.

 

Anyway, my apologies for hijacking your thread. My point is that I'd encourage you NOT to spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to comprehend it. It's fleeting. Instead, I recommend you separate yourself from it. If you had many years of a shared life and shared children with this man, perhaps it would be worth years of hard work to salvage the relationship. But that's not the case. I know there are people that wouldn't act in such awful ways. Go find one.

[96nole]

Satan won't even let BetrayedH's ex in Hell. He's afraid she'll make him look bad.

 

I agree you should just run like hell. This guy isn't going to stop. Just cut all contact and get away. Otherwise you'll be stuck in this pattern. You know how it feels now. Imaging constantly going through it for years.

[Betterthanthis13]

I am still here over 2 years past Dday and just a few months shy of a year past divorce and I still don't get it either. They say that acceptance is the last stage of grief and I find it to be true. What I am trying to accept is that I will probably never understand. I think some are fortunate enough to get some closure from their wayward spouse through hard-fought reconciliations. Perhaps that would give me some closure. But I know I'll never get that from my ex. She made her decision to divorce and closed off communicating about any of it. My closure has to come from within. I'm still waiting for it to happen. I could understand if I had been a poor husband or a poor father. There was no emotional abuse, no physical abuse, no substance abuse. We had two good jobs, two great kids, a new home, two new cars, and so on. I could even understand if I had been a difficult person to talk to or negotiate with. But I think my friends here can vouch for me that I'm a pretty reasonable, rational, and empathetic character. Yet her affair was filled with some enjoyment of cuckolding me. She even wrote a blog where she reveled in the fact that I wouldn't know how much she enjoyed being effed by the OM on my couch. Everyone we knew would have said that we were the best example of a happily married couple that they knew. We counseled others on how to do it. My family was devastated by it. No one gets it. I was thrown out like a poece of trash. And she enjoyed how disrespectful it was. My point is that I can relate to the not comprehending it thing.

 

Intellectually, I've come to understand and accept that it truly wasn't about me but something broken within her. I've also come to accept that we have a tendency to project our own value systems onto those that we love. It's natural to expect that other people think and behave like we would. Some do. But a lot of the population doesn't. In the end, they are just going to protect their own interests. And when I was no longer my wife's interest, well, you can see what happened. After reading and studying for 2 1/2 years, I'm quite surprised at how rampant it is. It turns out that common decency isn't very common.

 

Anyway, my apologies for hijacking your thread. My point is that I'd encourage you NOT to spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to comprehend it. It's fleeting. Instead, I recommend you separate yourself from it. If you had many years of a shared life and shared children with this man, perhaps it would be worth years of hard work to salvage the relationship. But that's not the case. I know there are people that wouldn't act in such awful ways. Go find one.

 

There's no hijack. I'm much more interested in learning from other people than complaining. By my estimation, we never had a relationship to begin with- I was just tricked. I don't know why I was tricked, I'd like to figure THAT out, and I have the additional problem of a "recovering" sex addict living in my house for the time being, but I'm in no shape to date anyway and wont be for a very long time so it's not really a problem.

 

I think "closure" always comes from within. Even if you have a best case scenario WS. Sounds like you have the worst of the worst. Do you have any sort of diagnosis for her? NPD? At a minimum?

 

I would think that for someone to be "broken" that indicated they are fixable. She sounds like she has nothing but a lizard brain that has been washed and rinsed in evil. That doesn't sound like "daddy issues" or a bad childhood or low self esteem or whatever therapy blah blah blah can come up with to explain poor behavior and get to the root of the problem to help. That sounds like a severe character disorder. She sounds like she'd be all the way on the end of the scale towards sociopath in the book "In Sheeps Clothing". By George Simon. I don't know if you have read that book but its a quick and easy read.

 

On a lighter note--Sometimes I try to entertain myself with humor. Imagine I did want to go on a date right now.

 

Better "How old are you?"

 

Date "40"

 

Better "Awesome. I don't want any more kids, do you?"

 

Date "No, I have 2, they are 14 and 15. I'm done. Do you live by yourself?"

 

Better "No... I have a roommate for now but he will be moving out. He is my ex boyfriend. He's also a sex addict. He's young, really good looking, 6 feet tall and doesn't want to leave. He's an emotional wreck and crying every day but I'm kicking him out. Hope that's ok. Do you have any pets?"

[BetrayedH]

Ok, that was funny.

 

No diagnosis on the exwife. My father is NPD and I don't think she fits the bill.

 

I think she had all of the classic lead-ups to an affair. She comes from a very entitled family. She's conflict-avoidant. And she has a high need for external validation (which I didn't recognize). She has a need to be perceived as perfect and from a perfect family so I think that's part of why I was so clueless.

 

She really is just a classic cake-eater that didn't want to raise any issues, let alone negotiate to solve them. She just took care of herself and assumed she was smart enough for me not to find out. And once she went into the rabbit hole, she never looked back. I've come to understand what an addictive thing it can be and how charged the sex can be (when it has to involve all this sneaking around, all of the suspense, blah, blah, blah).

 

After such a long time together, I just didn't think it was possible, that she was capable. It never entered my mind. I was obviously quite wrong.

 

Oh, and Nole, that was funny, too.

[Betterthanthis13]

Ok, that was funny.

 

No diagnosis on the exwife. My father is NPD and I don't think she fits the bill.

 

I think she had all of the classic lead-ups to an affair. She comes from a very entitled family. She's conflict-avoidant. And she has a high need for external validation (which I didn't recognize). She has a need to be perceived as perfect and from a perfect family so I think that's part of why I was so clueless.

 

She really is just a classic cake-eater that didn't want to raise any issues, let alone negotiate to solve them. She just took care of herself and assumed she was smart enough for me not to find out. And once she went into the rabbit hole, she never looked back. I've come to understand what an addictive thing it can be and how charged the sex can be (when it has to involve all this sneaking around, all of the suspense, blah, blah, blah).

 

After such a long time together, I just didn't think it was possible, that she was capable. It never entered my mind. I was obviously quite wrong.

 

Oh, and Nole, that was funny, too.

 

Oh, that makes more sense. I still have trouble understanding the "super charged" sneaky affair sex idea but I keep coming across it. It sounds so stressful to me. I think I would have an aneurism if I tried to do that. I can't even lie to my dentist about my sporadic flossing habits without confessing. I don't understand enjoying "getting away" with deceiving people. Maybe that's a function of her perfect family.

 

Although I was a "perfect" kid too growing up, no problems, straight A's, but it was for a different reason. We didn't have a picture perfect family. I was trying to get my mother to stop wishing I had never been born. It didn't work- I left home at 16 but I worked out all my FOO issues in therapy in my early 20s after I made a mess of my own life for a couple years.

 

So whatever. We all have problems.

 

I just don't think anyone has the right to destroy another person because its fun for them, or because they are selfish, or they are scared of having a difficult conversation, or because they think they can outsmart them and juggle a bunch of knives in the air indefinitely.

 

Furthermore, yeah this sucks right now, shame on me for signing up for this pain. Ill get over it, I'm sure of that. My big huge problem isn't my immediate anguish. It's the fact that when I step back and look at the whole system- it's set up to fail. It's like Vegas- the house is going to win most of the time. The game is rigged. That's the real problem. That's what we should be talking about when the pain subsides and we are back on our feet. But we don't. We go right back in and sit down at the blackjack table and fork over some more cash and hope for the best.

 

If a school was failing out 60% of its students every year, we wouldn't be blaming the students and sticking them in therapy and putting them back in the same school and telling them, heal up then try again.

 

Nope. We would be looking at the teachers, the curriculum, the parents, the community, all the factors.

 

Failing marriages left and right? More people cheat than dont? Infidelity is accepted in society as normal?

 

Solution- go get therapy if you are a BS and heal yourself and move on. Or learn how to forgive and reconcile. Vegas is fine the way it is. You suck at blackjack. Be more careful next time.

[BetrayedH]

Oh, that makes more sense. I still have trouble understanding the "super charged" sneaky affair sex idea but I keep coming across it. It sounds so stressful to me. I think I would have an aneurism if I tried to do that. I can't even lie to my dentist about my sporadic flossing habits without confessing. I don't understand enjoying "getting away" with deceiving people. Maybe that's a function of her perfect family.

 

Although I was a "perfect" kid too growing up, no problems, straight A's, but it was for a different reason. We didn't have a picture perfect family. I was trying to get my mother to stop wishing I had never been born. It didn't work- I left home at 16 but I worked out all my FOO issues in therapy in my early 20s after I made a mess of my own life for a couple years.

 

So whatever. We all have problems.

 

I just don't think anyone has the right to destroy another person because its fun for them, or because they are selfish, or they are scared of having a difficult conversation, or because they think they can outsmart them and juggle a bunch of knives in the air indefinitely.

 

Furthermore, yeah this sucks right now, shame on me for signing up for this pain. Ill get over it, I'm sure of that. My big huge problem isn't my immediate anguish. It's the fact that when I step back and look at the whole system- it's set up to fail. It's like Vegas- the house is going to win most of the time. The game is rigged. That's the real problem. That's what we should be talking about when the pain subsides and we are back on our feet. But we don't. We go right back in and sit down at the blackjack table and fork over some more cash and hope for the best.

 

If a school was failing out 60% of its students every year, we wouldn't be blaming the students and sticking them in therapy and putting them back in the same school and telling them, heal up then try again.

 

Nope. We would be looking at the teachers, the curriculum, the parents, the community, all the factors.

 

Failing marriages left and right? More people cheat than dont? Infidelity is accepted in society as normal?

 

Solution- go get therapy if you are a BS and heal yourself and move on. Or learn how to forgive and reconcile. Vegas is fine the way it is. You suck at blackjack. Be more careful next time.

 

Yeah, I don't really get all of the deception stuff either. I'm not good at it; my conscience just goes into overdrive. I'm much more comfortable putting all my cards on the table and whoever doesn't like it can just go elsewhere.

 

I'm certainly with you on the societal issue. It's alarming. But I've decided not to let it break me. The fact of the matter is that there are no guarantees with anyone. I learned that the hard way. So, do you just avoid relationships altogether? I guess some people can do that. But it's not me. I will be vulnerable again. Hell, I already am. When I first got into another relationship, I was hypervigilant. But I learned to let it go fairly quickly. My GF is not my exwife and she didn't do all that crap to me. We'll see how it goes. Life is certainly a crapshoot. But I refuse to allow my exwife to take any more of my life away from me.

 

Strange world, that's for sure.

[Betterthanthis13]

Yeah, I don't really get all of the deception stuff either. I'm not good at it; my conscience just goes into overdrive. I'm much more comfortable putting all my cards on the table and whoever doesn't like it can just go elsewhere.

 

I'm certainly with you on the societal issue. It's alarming. But I've decided not to let it break me. The fact of the matter is that there are no guarantees with anyone. I learned that the hard way. So, do you just avoid relationships altogether? I guess some people can do that. But it's not me. I will be vulnerable again. Hell, I already am. When I first got into another relationship, I was hypervigilant. But I learned to let it go fairly quickly. My GF is not my exwife and she didn't do all that crap to me. We'll see how it goes. Life is certainly a crapshoot. But I refuse to allow my exwife to take any more of my life away from me.

 

Strange world, that's for sure.

 

Awesome! I'm so glad to hear that! I can imagine in the beginning it was difficult not to be hypervigilant. But like you said, she wasn't the one who did all that awful stuff. That sounds like a really healthy attitude.

 

I hope to get there someday. I'm not giving up by any means. This experience has thrown me for a loop and smashed my rose tinted glasses but now I am wondering how I got so far along in life with them on in the first place? It's not as though I've lived a sheltered life.

 

I went and volunteered after Hurricane Katrina for a couple weeks. It's like that. Seeing pictures on TV and hearing about it was devastating. But seeing it in person? A totally unexplainably different thing.

 

Just seems like there should be a way for us to reduce the number of casualties in the next generation. Not eliminate infidelity. That's impossible. The only way you in particular could have avoided what your wife put you through would have been to not be where you were when you met her. And married someone else entirely.

If we could find a way to at least give the next generation better tools to deal with these tough issues before they turn into affairs, raise awareness that they have options, then the WS's that are just genuinely confused and depressed and aren't cold hearted monsters might once in awhile make a choice to effectively communicate that spares a spouse from this affair nightmare. Maybe they have an amicable divorce instead. Maybe they work out their issues without infidelity. Maybe they decide on an open marriage. Who knows.

 

Right now the system is set up to fail and I feel like we are sending young people into war with no training and no ammo or vests or helmets.

 

Just call me Chicken Little. The sky is falling! The sky is falling!

 

Ok last metaphor for this ramble. In the US in the early 1920's the general consensus was that drinking was "immoral" and caused crime and mental illness etc. It became illegal. Prohibition. So drinking went underground and people did it anyway- speakeasys popped up everywhere and binge drinking increased, crime soared, corruption abounded, and the people who originally wanted prohibition in the first place fought to repeal it.

 

Prohibition didnt work because a lot of people like to drink. And they are gonna do it rules or no rules.

 

As a society we only offer one way for people to legitimately have a family and companionship and be part of society. Promise me that you will love and have sex with me and only me until you die, even if I am sometimes mean and bitchy to you. No negotiation. Ever. If you want any other sort of arrangement, there is something wrong with you, you need to go to church. You are sick and twisted, evil. So this is your only option take it or leave it.

 

Not all people are up for that.

 

I'm totally fine with agreeing to that. So it's hard for me to see the other side. It was kinda hard for me to write that. But... There's no WS's here except a few super remorseful WW in R. Maybe they would have liked a different option from the beginning.

 

Right now infidelity is in prohibition by us. We already ARE legislating morality.... with marriage. It's definitely NOT working.

[BetrayedH]

We don't often have that conversation here. Oddly enough, I am actually a pretty liberal person when it comes to things like sex and not very traditional in my views of morality. I really couldn't care less what people do as long as they don't infringe on the rights of others while doing so. I'm also agnostic so I'm not confined by the structure of religion. If anything, I was more of a hippy, free love kind of guy when we met. I don't say this to be controversial but to say that I wouldn't have flipped out had my wife suggested that she wanted an open marriage or threesomes or something. I likely would have declined such options but I would have considered it and she wouldn't have been harshly judged.

 

But throughout our relationship it was my wife who had a sense of urgency about marriage and children. I once suggested that we consider not having children so we could have a less restrictive life and she just about left me over it. She locked us into this scenario, changed my direction in life, and once she got what she wanted, it wasn't what she wanted.

 

But while I'm a pretty liberal guy, I am loyal to friends and family to a fault. Once I took those marriage vows, I was fully prepared to keep them for life. I would have been open to another arrangement, but once that was our deal, I was going to keep to my end of the bargain. In stark contrast, one thing my wife wrote in her blog was that when we married she wondered if she would be able to be a "one-man woman" for the rest of her life.

 

It's obvious that too many people agree to marriage under those conditions. And that is probably because the institution is the only legitimized one out there and it's all or nothing. I've often wondered if marriage shouldn't require some kind of renewal process every 5 years or something. But most certainly, less people should be getting married because they obviously don't have the stomach for it. Divorce is so prevalent now that the courts don't even care to get into who was in breach of the contract anymore. Justice is too much of a hassle, apparently. Welcome to "no fault" divorce. We get frustrated to no end about a congested drive to work but 24 years of someone's life being wasted is somehow not worthy of discussion even though our agreement was witnessed by over 100 people in quite a demonstrative fashion and ratified by the state. We don't care who broke the agreement or the consequences; we just split the kids and split the stuff.

 

I agree with you that something ought to change.

Edited July 12, 2013 by BetrayedH

[Betterthanthis13]

We don't often have that conversation here. Oddly enough, I am actually a pretty liberal person when it comes to things like sex and not very traditional in my views of morality. I really couldn't care less what people do as long as they don't infringe on the rights of others while doing so. I'm also agnostic so I'm not confined by the structure of religion. If anything, I was more of a hippy, free love kind of guy when we met. I don't say this to be controversial but to say that I wouldn't have flipped out had my wife suggested that she wanted an open marriage or threesomes or something. I likely would have declined such options but I would have considered it and she wouldn't have been harshly judged.

 

But throughout our relationship it was my wife who had a sense of urgency about marriage and children. I once suggested that we consider not having children so we could have a less restrictive life and she just about left me over it. She locked us into this scenario, changed my direction in life, and once she got what she wanted, it wasn't what she wanted.

 

But while I'm a pretty liberal guy, I am loyal to friends and family to a fault. Once I took those marriage vows, I was fully prepared to keep them for life. I would have been open to another arrangement, but once that was our deal, I was going to keep to my end of the bargain. In stark contrast, one thing my wife wrote in her blog was that when we married she wondered if she would be able to be a "one-man woman" for the rest of her life.

 

It's obvious that too many people agree to marriage under those conditions. And that is probably because the institution is the only legitimized one out there and it's all or nothing. I've often wondered if marriage shouldn't require some kind of renewal process every 5 years or something. But most certainly, less people should be getting married because they obviously don't have the stomach for it. Divorce is so prevalent now that the courts don't even care to get into who was in breach of the contract anymore. Justice is too much of a hassle, apparently. Welcome to "no fault" divorce. We get frustrated to no end about a congested drive to work but 24 years of someone's life being wasted is somehow not worthy of discussion even though our agreement was witnessed by over 100 people in quite a demonstrative fashion and ratified by the state. We don't care who broke the agreement or the consequences; we just split the kids and split the stuff.

 

I agree with you that something ought to change.

 

Oh! That part about her blog just burns me up. She knew right from the beginning and documented it. Ill bet when she was a kid she had a little notebook and wrote down exactly what she was going to do to the poor little ants on the sidewalk before she brought her magnifying glass outside and burned them up in the sun and laughed about it.

 

I've never been in a fight in my life, never used corporal punishment on my kid. But if you give me her address, I'll take a drive over there, ring the doorbell, give her a big smile, bitch slap the hell out of her, get back in my car and drive home. Not quite enough for a felony assault charge but mmmmm, close. Better yet ill do it at the mall in front of a gazillion people. Or her office when she's in a big important meeting.

 

No I won't really do that but let's just pretend. Ok I feel better. That 5 seconds was worth the bad karma.

 

 

I ve heard the 5 year marriage contract idea tossed around over the years but always dismissed it as an option because I imagined that anyone young and in love enough to get married in the first place- one of the two would be of the mindset "If you don't love me enough to do the REAL marriage, then why get married at all?" Accompanied by tears etc, nullifying the option. Unknowingly double-daring the hesitant partner to become an adulterer sometime in the future.

 

HOWEVER

 

Upon further review- what if we made the 5 year contract mandatory, like a marriage boot camp, as a pre-qualification for a marriage license?

 

Maybe not even 5 years. 2 or 3 should do it. Throw in a teenage foster kid and an IUD to prevent pregnancy during boot camp and I think we have ourselves a winning formula. Post boot camp de-briefing includes a 2- week long intensive course on whatever topics they choose from the plethora of professional courses offered at the state of the art facility we are able to provide thanks to their generous 3 years of volunteer effort with the foster child who is now college bound.

[BetrayedH]

Oh! That part about her blog just burns me up. She knew right from the beginning and documented it. Ill bet when she was a kid she had a little notebook and wrote down exactly what she was going to do to the poor little ants on the sidewalk before she brought her magnifying glass outside and burned them up in the sun and laughed about it.

 

I've never been in a fight in my life, never used corporal punishment on my kid. But if you give me her address, I'll take a drive over there, ring the doorbell, give her a big smile, bitch slap the hell out of her, get back in my car and drive home. Not quite enough for a felony assault charge but mmmmm, close. Better yet ill do it at the mall in front of a gazillion people. Or her office when she's in a big important meeting.

 

No I won't really do that but let's just pretend. Ok I feel better. That 5 seconds was worth the bad karma.

 

 

I ve heard the 5 year marriage contract idea tossed around over the years but always dismissed it as an option because I imagined that anyone young and in love enough to get married in the first place- one of the two would be of the mindset "If you don't love me enough to do the REAL marriage, then why get married at all?" Accompanied by tears etc, nullifying the option. Unknowingly double-daring the hesitant partner to become an adulterer sometime in the future.

 

HOWEVER

 

Upon further review- what if we made the 5 year contract mandatory, like a marriage boot camp, as a pre-qualification for a marriage license?

 

Maybe not even 5 years. 2 or 3 should do it. Throw in a teenage foster kid and an IUD to prevent pregnancy during boot camp and I think we have ourselves a winning formula. Post boot camp de-briefing includes a 2- week long intensive course on whatever topics they choose from the plethora of professional courses offered at the state of the art facility we are able to provide thanks to their generous 3 years of volunteer effort with the foster child who is now college bound.

 

I'll have to pass on having you beat up my ex. You wouldn't like the orange jumpsuit. When I found the blog, I got drunk, burned our offensive couch in the backyard and the tossed my wife out the front door when she wouldn't leave. Not my finest moment. The mugshot is atrocious. 15 hours in county jail and six months of work to clear it up. But I appreciate the sentiment.

 

So back to you...

 

How do you get a sex-addicted ex to move out?

[Betterthanthis13]

I'll have to pass on having you beat up my ex. You wouldn't like the orange jumpsuit. When I found the blog, I got drunk, burned our offensive couch in the backyard and the tossed my wife out the front door when she wouldn't leave. Not my finest moment. The mugshot is atrocious. 15 hours in county jail and six months of work to clear it up. But I appreciate the sentiment.

 

So back to you...

 

How do you get a sex-addicted ex to move out?

 

Oh boy! ..... I do not know yet but I suppose I should cross lighting any pieces of furniture on fire off the list of potential eviction notice strategies. Thanks for the heads up

 

Everything is so bass ackwards in my house from all the infidelity/sex addict stories I am reading. Logic dictates that everyone thinks their situation is different while in the middle of it-but it really isn't-so I am somehow delusional and can't see it yet- so..... I'm thinking my best option might be to change my name and relocate to Alaska and find a nice igloo to live in.

 

Or, just muddle through a couple more weeks, take a solo vacation far far away, get my ducks in a row and my sex addict evicted and buy a case of Lysol at Costco.

 

In the meantime he wants to bring me to a polygraph to prove to me he's telling the truth. Ummmm great. Thanks.... I would have appreciated that. Oh, say..... 2009?

 

When shall I expect the truth about what's happening today? Every other leap year? Next time Haley's Comet comes around? Blah.

[BetrayedH]

You had me at "case of Lysol."

 

By the way, burning a three-piece sectional is very therapeutic. I just don't recommend creating a 40ft bonfire immediate preceding tryouts for a career in wife-tossing.

 

As for polygraphs, I wish I'd not been such a skeptic of them back when my scenario unfolded. I dismissed the idea at the time but since I've now earned a PhD in Infidelity, it appears that they've come a long way. But your point is well-taken about how often you might need to use one. Do they offer package deals where if you buy five, you get one free? Or maybe an annual pass? Now that's livin' the fairy tale right there. Or, as some of the OW like to call it, an Affairy Tale. Get it?! Gosh, them OW sure is funny.

[Betterthanthis13]

Once Upon a Time, in a mystical, magical land....

 

Hold on, that one might need a whole new thread. Or a series of interactive "choose your own adventure" storybooks. or Mad Libs. LOL.

 

I hope you got a picture of the 3 piece sectional on fire pre-incarceration.

 

"Affairy tale" did make me think of "affairiversary" HAHAHA. That could be a good time to celebrate with a nice annual polygraph. Woo-hoo! Where do I sign up???

 

That is the reccomended prescribed course of action for a sex addict and his partner. Forever. polygraphs once a year. I was GONE after the "one time one girl" thing. The forgiveness and second chance was with great reservation. A year later the story changes and he wants me to become the FBI and have the forgiveness power of the Dali Lama?

 

 

What Does Recovery From Sex Addiction Look Like? | The Fix

[BetrayedH]

Interesting article. Many of the same concepts are required as part of recovery from infidelity (boundaries, proactive disclosure, polys). I suppose that makes sense since being a sex addict when you're married IS infidelity.

 

What struck me is that this article shows a successful story (and a good one at that). But imagine how many others are failures and how many years and tears are wasted by spouses hoping for improvement only to be disappointed.

 

I'm a fan of forgiveness (much like you gave your man a second chance). But serial cheaters or those that experience a Dday only to cheat again, well, they should keep me away from their furniture.

[Betterthanthis13]

Interesting article. Many of the same concepts are required as part of recovery from infidelity (boundaries, proactive disclosure, polys). I suppose that makes sense since being a sex addict when you're married IS infidelity.

 

What struck me is that this article shows a successful story (and a good one at that). But imagine how many others are failures and how many years and tears are wasted by spouses hoping for improvement only to be disappointed.

 

I'm a fan of forgiveness (much like you gave your man a second chance). But serial cheaters or those that experience a Dday only to cheat again, well, they should keep me away from their furniture.

 

That's what is especially infuriating about the "sex addiction" or "compulsion" label for infidelity. I alternate between wanting to dismiss it as complete and utter hogwash, just another excuse, another way for cheaters to insulate themselves from reality and live in delusion, and wanting to understand that people are different from me and deserve my compassion (not that I need to be with them forever in order for them to get that)

 

Lets say he was a thief instead.

 

So last year I caught my boyfriend stealing $100 from me. I broke up with him because I don't date thiefs. In all other ways we are compatible and he is very good to me. I gave him a second chance. All has been good since then. Last month he texted someone saying he was thinking of robbing a bank. Wtf???He then confessed the truth.

 

When he stole the $100 last year, he had actually emptied my entire 401k. How did I miss that?? He has not stolen anything from me since then. He has been a thief his entire life up until he got caught with the $100 because he is addicted to stealing. He tried to stop on his own and has been successful for an entire year except for a few minor things that he will prove with a polygraph.

 

He doesn't need money. He has plenty. Money makes him miserable. Every single day since he confessed he feels a great sense of relief. He knows he needs help in order to remain stealing-free and has been going to No Stealing meetings every day. He recognizes that the stealing started because of a bigger problem and is going to therapy to figure out why.

 

--------------------

 

So there you have it.

 

Except you can't get AIDS if your boyfriend robs a bank or steals your money.

 

I have a broken person I did not know I had. What he did to me as far as the betrayal is long in the past. The lying is part of his addiction which I am supposed to have compassion for. Or is it that sex addiction is just a bunch of nonsense and he is playing me and counting on me to have compassion and be a chump and worm his way out of this so I can be back on loveshack justifying his behavior again next year only sounding more like that whacko in Australia who was "slowly coming to the end of her tether" while her husband remained "just friends" with the lady he had an affair with??? (Awesome run-on sentence)

 

I feel like I got a dog at the shelter and it was great and I fell in love with him and he loved me back and then one day he turned on me and attacked me and put me in the hospital and now I have to either bring him back to the shelter or put up with a sick broken dog forever and watch my back and it is SO HARD.

Edited July 13, 2013 by Betterthanthis13