I was a betrayed wife

[MsDecember]

I wanted to write a bit of my story over here to provide wisdom. I have nothing to lose or gain as I divorced my Cheating Husband. I have learned a lot about him during the D day period and afterwards that I wanted to share. I know everyone thinks THEIR MM tells them the truth. That's great, but majority do not and you should be smarter for your own good.

 

When my H started his affair it coincided with a busy business schedule that kept him traveling for most of the week. I trusted him, always knew he was a good guy. Maybe that is my downfall, but I have never been a jealous person or felt he would let me down in any way or any fashion. We have 4 kids together and have always worked hard to provide them a wonderful life. I sacrificed for my children always, I am sure many can relate, to be the best mom I could. I worked away from home and spent countless hours creating a home that felt comfortable and safe. Little did I know I was sharing my life with a compulisive liar.

 

He started his affair, and as I figured out after the fact was a mere 15 minutes away for most of the time. I assumed he was working like a crazy man and traveling and feeling oh so sorry for him. Unfortunately he was at OW home and traveling for pleasure, not work. The affair was approximately 2 years when I found out. I will try to make this short as this story could be a 20,000 page book at least. I am aware now that H told a multitude of lies that OW believed. He never stopped having sex with me. He never stopped being a husband to me. We went on vacations as a family and had many memories during this affair time. We did home improvements and shared dreams. We laughed and danced and sang our 90's tunes in the car. He painted a different picture that we were strangers raising our kids together. He told you that He talked of divorcing me and he slept in a different room. LIES. He never ever talked to me about divorce, even after I kicked him out of the house. We went to Marriage counseling when the affair was revealed and he addamently declared the affair was over, it was a mistake. He loved me and wanted to work it out. That's not the story he told you. He said we were going to counseling to transition. Even after I kicked him out of the house because he wouldn't show me certain things on his computer or phone, He came over to visit us. I would leave so he could have time with his children and he always found me and spent time with me. I know you think he never wanted to reconcile with me. He told me otherwise and his actions were opposite of what he told you. I was confused and we continued to go to counseling. When it was revealed he was still in an affair with you, the OW, I was highly upset. It was another open wound. But you were confused and I am sure MM made you assume I was crazy. However he was playing us both still. That was my eye opening moment. I wouldn't stand for any man disrespecting me again. I gave him a chance to be a stand up guy. He failed.

 

Things I found out after the fact. You were not the only affair for my H. He has had many. One I found out after one of our children was born. He eluded that it was not what I assumed. I guess I believed him. It has been revealed that he had several affairs with co workers. He has had an affair with a very young woman that he met through a volunteer program. He has signed up for ashley madison, dating for sex websites and actively looked for no strings attached sex on craiglist. I know you think he would never lie to you, but that's all he knows how to do. You claim he is transparent with you, but only with what he wants to put forth.

 

You don't know all the email addresses he has. Think of all the tricks he used with you. Changing names in his address book. Having email addresses you aren't even aware of. He actually is very horrible at hiding things, you just have to do investigating.

 

Another weird tidbit. An old friend from High School messaged me the other day and admitted to having a fling with My ExH while he was in a relationship with an old girlfriend. Must say how funny and odd this is. The story told to me all these years about this old girlfriend was that she cheated on him and he could never continue with her. Double standards or complete lie?! Guess we will never know. Could the saying once a cheater always a cheater come into play with this particular guy?!!

 

Sorry for this long post. It might not even make sense to many of you. I just wanted to share a couple of the lies out of the million I was told to enlighten you.

[ladydesigner]

My WH did the very same exact thing. He is still fighting to save our M. I am slowly coming back to the M, but I could have written a lot of your post. There is so much I could tell them, but would fall on deaf ears. I also am sure my WH's OW have things they know that he said that I will never know just like I know things that she doesn't.

 

Where some of the truth can be found out is by investigating and most OW will not/don't/won't or even have access to that information. If the MOW could see my WH's texts her head would roll. He was talking to 2 other women besides her.

 

Ugh I too have a WS who played two women against each other in the cruelest game. It is not something I will ever get over. It's despicable and rotten.

[affairaddict]

sorry for your pain. Its obvious it is still raw. He sounds like a complete waste of space, and you didn't deserve him.

 

Whilst your insight is helpful to many I am sure, every man is different in an affair. I do believe they are not always honest, and it would be naïve to think anything different.

 

Mine never told me he was not having sex with her, or anything was wrong with their relationship. he rarely mentioned her at all, or spoke badly of her. i chose to enjoy my emotional affair with him. I think from the men I read about on here he was slightly more decent. mine never mislead me, promised me he would leave or fed me lies about his partner. Not making excuses at all, end of the day he was a cheat, i don't agree to the affair or being the other woman. I want better for myself.

[jlola]

I am sorry for what you have gone through. I do believe OW/OM believe everything the MM/MW tells them. That is why I always urge they call the BS and find out the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

 

Unfortunately, there is an underlined "threat" in most affaits. The AP knows if they do make that phone call, MP will be very upset and you do not want to upset poor Married person do you? After all, he is going through all of this hell for you and trying to put all his ducks in a row before he drops the bombshell on his wife.

 

So many things to find out if you really believe your love is true. Give the BS a call. But many know the real deal.

 

I have a friend who had a married woman for a few years. She swore she would never have another affair because the stress this one caused made her lose weight and lose her hair. So they were going to go off into the sunset and be faithful to each other forever.

 

After they broke up, he found out many facts from a common friend. #1, Her husband was married when she met him. She had told my friend he was married and she was living with someone else when they met. that was a lie. She also told my friend her husband was an alcoholic, that was a lie. She said her husband neglected her,huge lie. He doted on her and there were pictures of them as a couple holding hands amongs other couples friends who were not holding hands, Dinners at their house where they sat near each other HOLDING HANDS. Pics of her on his lap while everyone else sat near their spouse. they had plans for a baby and spoke about it often to family and friends. She also at the end of the affair with my friend, had an affair with her BFF's husband. So much for "I will never have affair again, it is too painful".

 

I used to urge my friend to call her husband during the affair so he can get BS side. I thought this girl was using pity play."poor neglected ,e":(

But my friend never would do that because he knew she would be angry and she promised to leave when she was ready.

 

He sees through her now and has said how embarrassed he is to realize she was the puppet master in all of this. She was n full control and he never suspected it because she came wrapped in a sweet innocent package. With her JCrew clothes ,perfect hair and preppie look.

 

I always am amazed at how someone can lead such a double life. OW who see men in long term affairs and still no divorce have to see the man is probably going home and acting all lovey dovey with wife. The man rarely leaves unless the wife has had enough and kicks him out. Then he may beg for another chance.

 

But he tells OW how she is begging him to stay(He is soooo special),so now he finally has empathy. But not enough to stop what he is doing. He will just continue to lie to BS and OW till these tow women wise up and TALK TO EACH OTHER!

[wanting more]

Thanks for posting this. I was the OW in your situation. 3 yr A, 2 d-days, after the first he was in MC professing his love for his BS, but still seeing me telling me how he was trying to figure out how to leave his M with the least amount of damage.

 

I fell for all his lies. I wanted to believe him. I did believe him. Until 2 d-day and he threw me under the bus.

 

Apparently still going thru MC, again professing his love. He started calling me a couple months ago, professing his love for me, how he misses me. I still get an occasional call on my voicemail at work. I haven't broken my NC with him.

 

It's tough for an OW/OM to read your story and imagine that's their MM (I wouldn't have). But maybe it will get someone thinking about it.

[LilGirlandOW]

Oh i think my MM is a total Chameleon. When hes with my he's green, goes to work hes blue, goes home he's orange. I'm starting to realize this. I spot so many red flags in his stories. He's never promised me he would leave for me, he actually the opposite wants us to be lovers & share a passionate love, and to still co-parent with BS, who today I found out why they dont have sex and all inadvertantly through a 3rd party. Turns out she's manic depressant and on all these medications for the past 6 years.... which is pretty much when she stopped wanting MM intimatly.

 

I read their texts sometimes cause they text when we're together and he never hides it, and thier messaging is cold and matter of fact, no ILY's, or pet names or anything... all business, all the time.

[veryhappy]

I wanted to write a bit of my story over here to provide wisdom. I have nothing to lose or gain as I divorced my Cheating Husband.

 

The way you wrote the post, addressing the OW, yes, you have a lot to gain. You want to feel better by rubbing it in all our faces or feel better and superior by warning us.

 

Most of us are not some stupid naive girls. Yes, some are, but most of us are stupid only in love and catch up on the things that aren't right. Some women, BW or OW, simply don't want to know. If they did, they'd find out the truth.

 

 

If I went to the Infidelity forum to post a "I was the OW" similar story I would trigger 80% of the BS reading there and nobody would thank me for providing wisdom.

 

I just wanted to share a couple of the lies out of the million I was told to enlighten you.

 

Most of us were enlightened before this post. Hope venting made you feel better. It wasn't your fault or the OW's fault that your exH was a serial cheater, so she believed him just as you believed that he was the good man you were married to.

Edited July 24, 2013 by cutedragon

[Goodbye]

I have no doubt that my exMM did much of what your exH did with his OW. I'm sure now that he lied about telling his wife, asking for a divorce, sleeping separately, functioning only as "friends and co-parents", and of course....not having sex with his W. Hurts like hell sometimes when I really think about it. I'm sure his W would hurt if she knew what the story was.

 

Thank you for sharing. Hope you are healing.

[Goodbye]

The way you wrote the post, addressing the OW, yes, you have a lot to gain. You want to feel better by rubbing it in all our faces or feel better and superior by warning us.

 

Most of us are not some stupid naive girls. Yes, some are, but most of us are stupid only in love and catch up on the things that aren't right. Some women, BW or OW, simply don't want to know. If they did, they'd find out the truth.

 

 

If I went to the Infidelity forum to post a "I was the OW" similar story I would trigger 80% of the BS reading there and nobody would thank me for providing wisdom.

 

 

 

Most of us were enlightened before this post. Hope venting made you feel better. It wasn't your fault or the OW's fault that your exH was a serial cheater, so she believed him just as you believed that he was the good man you were married to.

 

 

 

As an fOW, I was not offended by her statements at all. I think she gave her honest story...and I think it probably is the reality for many of us, whether we know it or not. I take no offense, and I'm glad she was a wise one, unlike many here, and got a divorce.

[wanting more]

The way you wrote the post, addressing the OW, yes, you have a lot to gain. You want to feel better by rubbing it in all our faces or feel better and superior by warning us.

 

Most of us are not some stupid naive girls. Yes, some are, but most of us are stupid only in love and catch up on the things that aren't right. Some women, BW or OW, simply don't want to know. If they did, they'd find out the truth.

 

 

If I went to the Infidelity forum to post a "I was the OW" similar story I would trigger 80% of the BS reading there and nobody would thank me for providing wisdom.

 

 

 

Most of us were enlightened before this post. Hope venting made you feel better. It wasn't your fault or the OW's fault that your exH was a serial cheater, so she believed him just as you believed that he was the good man you were married to.

 

 

I thanked her. And I'm an xOW. if you're an OW and youre confident in your A, I don't think this post would bother you. If you're an OW and you're not sure about the A, this may make you think twice.

[ladydesigner]

The way you wrote the post, addressing the OW, yes, you have a lot to gain. You want to feel better by rubbing it in all our faces or feel better and superior by warning us.

 

Most of us are not some stupid naive girls. Yes, some are, but most of us are stupid only in love and catch up on the things that aren't right. Some women, BW or OW, simply don't want to know. If they did, they'd find out the truth.

 

 

If I went to the Infidelity forum to post a "I was the OW" similar story I would trigger 80% of the BS reading there and nobody would thank me for providing wisdom.

 

 

 

Most of us were enlightened before this post. Hope venting made you feel better. It wasn't your fault or the OW's fault that your exH was a serial cheater, so she believed him just as you believed that he was the good man you were married to.

 

Well maybe she really is trying to help some OW see that it is the MM/MW who is usually the main manipulator in the A situation. I don't think there is anything wrong in that. I am a fMOW and while I'd like to say that the A I had wasn't naive, it was, so I somewhat disagree there. I believe it is naive to think that A relationships are the main relationship the MM/MW has.

 

No it isn't the BS' fault that the WS cheats on them and it isn't OW's fault that he is a serial cheater, but the OW is an alibi in aiding the destruction of the MM's M.

 

Honestly unless a person is a happy other woman, A's end up hurting all parties involved and that is not being smart or enlightened. That is what I would call punishing oneself.

[wanting more]

I think when a BS is on the OW board and is ugly and mean and talking down to the OW, that's when it's time to get concerned. When a BS speaks of her WS with no derogatory words to the OW, that's something to listen to.

 

And I don't think OP said anything ugly towards OW

[MsDecember]

My character is actually to never hurt anyone intentionally. I accidentally rolled my garbage can over a frog last week and I'm still like damn, I'm so sorry that had to happen. Irrelevant to what I was posting about, but same feeling. I wish my children and myself never had to go through this destruction and interruption in our lives. I'm sure no one would want to see crying children asking why and how??! I never had the answers. Confusing to them and myself how we could be out to dinner one week and daddy is no longer living with us the next. We didn't fight, so it is confusing and painful.

 

My attempt to help others is truly my goal. Most of these MM are hurting 2 woman plus countless others. I only want to save others from the unbearable pain. I have no other agenda, trust me.

 

I appreciate all the beautiful words. I am sorry that so many of you have been hurt regardless of the side you were on. Affairs hurt. They hurt deep and if anyone can ease the impact, then that's better than nothing.

[Spark1111]

thanks for sharing. Your post resonates with me on many levels. The lies he told EVERYONE to keep the status quo of happy home life and AP desiring more was mind-boggling.

 

Like you, when DDAY hit, I went into super sleuth mode and discovered she was NOT the only woman he was talking to. Trawling the waters for her replacement I guess, as he had found a part-time hobby he was really enjoying.

 

And like your sitch, he NEVER told her he had carte blanche to be with with her; that we'd split all assets and divorce amicably; and that I even admonished our children to treat her with respect.

 

Developing feelings for another CAN Happen in any relationship. As much as that would hurt, his lying to me daily is what just about killed me. he did not have to. I loved him enough to let him go.

 

She still hates me; refused to ever answer a phone call; preferred to believe I was that cold, heartless wife.

 

She still blames and hates me.....forever stuck in that triangle dynamic.

[veryhappy]

She still blames and hates me.....forever stuck in that triangle dynamic.

 

How do you know that?

[affairaddict]

I am a bit on the fence about your post.

 

I did see any indifference in what you wrote, and I think that is the most important thing after any affair for all parties- moving on and indifference if anyone is going to truly heal.

 

If I felt indifferent I would not have posted that. BUT, other side of the coin I am sure it helps the naive OW and opens peoples eyes a bit.

[affairaddict]

*i did not see

[cocorico]

I'm sorry you married such a low life. Perhaps you should post this, or similar, in the dating to Life partners forum to warn people against getting married in case they make the same mistake you did.

[Spark1111]

How do you know that?

 

I spoke to her, finally, more than two years later when she broke his imposed NC to see if he'd be interested in reinitiating the affair.

[Spark1111]

I'm sorry you married such a low life. Perhaps you should post this, or similar, in the dating to Life partners forum to warn people against getting married in case they make the same mistake you did.

 

...or choose to have an affair with someone who only lies to his wife, NEVER his AP.

[cocorico]

...or choose to have an affair with someone who only lies to his wife, NEVER his AP.

 

You mean, like most of them?

[PhoenixRise]

You mean, like most of them?

 

Wow.

 

Somebody should really let all the OW who post regarding their pain because of things MM lied to them about that they are simply mistaken because most MM only lie to their wives. . I mean really, if only they knew most MM only lie to their wives and not their AP I'm sure they would feel much better.

[BetrayedH]

You mean, like most of them?

 

You must be kidding, right? Most MM lie only to their BW and not their AP?

 

Ms December, I'm glad you seem to be in a better place and personally, I thought your post was a fair warning of what can and does happen all too frequently and I'm at a loss as to why OW would come into a BS venting thread and whine about it.

 

Best wishes to you as you embark on your second life.

[Spark1111]

Wow.

 

Somebody should really let all the OW who post regarding their pain because of things MM lied to them about that they are simply mistaken because most MM only lie to their wives. . I mean really, if only they knew most MM only lie to their wives and not their AP I'm sure they would feel much better.

 

My thoughts exactly...and let's not hear nor learn from another side whose story does not exactly reflect our own.

[MsDecember]

I originally did post this on the other board and it was moved.

 

I was being sincere and hopeful that maybe just maybe someone didn't have to go through what I did. 2-3 years of being deceived and after the fact thinking that someone believed a wife would really continue to live with their husband while he cheated. Unbelievable that anyone would assume that a wife would truly be ok with her husband sleeping in another room and treating each other like roommates!! This is not reality people. If your being told anything of this nature please know its likely false.

 

In the timeframe of the affair my H had, he was supposed to not only discuss divorce with me but to take care of some of the debt and tie up loose ends so to speak. He did nothing of the sort. In fact what he did do is create more debt.

 

It's just a damn shame that men don't actually leave their so called unhappy marriages before they engage with someone new. It seems all to often that a replacement is found before they would ever cut ties with the current lady.