He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed]

[Sofie2013]

Me and my husband have tighter for 12 years and have two children both 7 (twins). We have had any ok marriage for the most part never really had any problems and we never ever any serious arguments.

 

The reason my posting is for the last 6 months I have been having an affair with and another co-worker who is also married. To make it worse I am friends with his wife who also works for the same company. Both I and john( the guy I’m having the affair with, not his really name) work in the same department and usually have business trips together and it also were we hook up most of the time but we have done it other times before work, after work and during your lunch break and so on.

 

My husband recent found out about my affair. Well I don’t know how long he has known about the affair but he knows. For some reason he still hasn’t confronted me yet of asked any question. It as if everything the same, I just don’t what to do every day I wake up asking myself is today the day my marriage ends is it tomorrow. I am so lost and confused I don’t want to lose my husband or my family but it might be out of my control. Can someone please help me I just don’t what else to do so please help me?

[whatatangledweb]

Go ahead and confess. He is waiting to confront you. It may be to gather more information, talk to a lawyer, or he may not know how to do it. It is easier when your spouse confesses. It starts the rebuilding of trust.

[rae_lana]

Me and my husband have tighter for 12 years and have two children both 7 (twins). We have had any ok marriage for the most part never really had any problems and we never ever any serious arguments.

 

The reason my posting is for the last 6 months I have been having an affair with and another co-worker who is also married. To make it worse I am friends with his wife who also works for the same company. Both I and john( the guy I’m having the affair with, not his really name) work in the same department and usually have business trips together and it also were we hook up most of the time but we have done it other times before work, after work and during your lunch break and so on.

 

My husband recent found out about my affair. Well I don’t know how long he has known about the affair but he knows. For some reason he still hasn’t confronted me yet of asked any question. It as if everything the same, I just don’t what to do every day I wake up asking myself is today the day my marriage ends is it tomorrow. I am so lost and confused I don’t want to lose my husband or my family but it might be out of my control. Can someone please help me I just don’t what else to do so please help me?

 

What makes you think he knows?

Is it just paranoia talking or do you have evidence he knows?

[Sofie2013]

Go ahead and confess. He is waiting to confront you. It may be to gather more information, talk to a lawyer, or he may not know how to do it. It is easier when your spouse confesses. It starts the rebuilding of trust.

 

 

I know I should confess but the thought of what could happen scares the hell out of me. Part me just wants to keep acting like nothing changed. I don’t want to lose everything I worked so hard to build.

[Sofie2013]

What makes you think he knows?

Is it just paranoia talking or do you have evidence he knows?

 

 

It was on the last business trip I took to Florida it was with the om. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning the om answers the phone to both of our surprise it was my husband. My husband was calling to let me know my sister was just in a really bad car accident. I came back from the trip and he acted like nothing change this was on the last week of august

[underwater2010]

If you are so sure that he knows, then confess. Why wait for the other shoe to drop. My guess is he is build the evidence against you. Bite the bullet.

[aliveagain]

Things will fair better for you if you confess first. He has very likely gone into gathering mode under the advice of his lawyer. First thing I always recommend to any betrayed spouse is talk to a lawyer, understand your rights, protect your children, pretty much everything your not doing. No wayward ever expects to get caught but they almost always do. You must have a plan in place for when he does confront you, you must of considered your options when you decided to be unfaithful. When you beg for forgiveness make sure the mascara is running. Write your affair partner a no contact letter dated before your husband confronts you, send it to him immediately. Change jobs, you can't work with any man your banging and expect your husband to accept it, that's a deal breaker. Your only chance is a confession, the marriage is already over, you know exactly when it ended, it's just your husband was the last to know. He now decides if reconciliation is an option. He won't believe sh*t from your mouth from now on it's your actions that will have any weight, DO NOT LET HIM CONFRONT YOU BEFORE YOU CONFESS. What did you expect?

[aliveagain]

It was on the last business trip I took to Florida it was with the om. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning the om answers the phone to both of our surprise it was my husband. My husband was calling to let me know my sister was just in a really bad car accident. I came back from the trip and he acted like nothing change this was on the last week of august

 

Why would you let your lover answer the phone in your hotel room?

[whichwayisup]

I know I should confess but the thought of what could happen scares the hell out of me. Part me just wants to keep acting like nothing changed. I don’t want to lose everything I worked so hard to build.

That is part of the consquence and possible fall out by choosing to have an affair and cheat on your husband. Sorry but if you don't want to lose all that know and love, all that you've worked so hard to build, then why on earth would you put yourself IN a situation that would make your fears come true?

 

He knows and is waiting to see if you'll confess or just continue to lie and betray him.

 

Either way, the truth is there and he knows what's what. Now it's up to you to act like a mature adult and tough it out, have that conversation. worse case senario? A divorce. Best case senario? He will want to give you a second chance to prove you are worthy of staying married to him. BUT, you're gonna have to say goodbye to your MM coworker and quit your job too. Go complete NC.

 

Fact is, you are not 'friends' with his wife, you and him are making total fools of her by having an affair and pretending all is normal. And you're doing the same thing at home to your husband. Pretending. Shi.t will hit the fan regardless - Sorry but having a work place affair with someone and their spouse is there as well IS gonna ruin your (and his) reputations. Office gossip.

 

Choice is yours. If you confess, at least your H will respect you a bit and you'll have a better chance of fixing things. If you don't tell and just continue your A, higher chance of divorce and losing all that worked so hard to have.

 

Is this MM coworker worth it? Throwing it all away? All for what. Give that some thought too.

[Sofie2013]

He may know and he may be collecting evidence, talking to lawyers, and taking necessary precautions before confronting you.

 

Or maybe your H is so naive he does not have a clue. Innocent people cannot imagine infidelity. That is not part of their personality. There was thread here about the fact that many betrayed spouses cannot see the obvious signs of betrayal.

 

It is also possible that he does not really care whether you have an affair or not. He may be banging an OW on the side and may actually be relieved you also have an OM.

 

Has he changed with you? Is he sarcastic? How is the sex between you two? Is he a bit less or more interested?

 

How long ago was this?

 

He could be preparing a surprise that may include informing the OM's wife and other co-workers in your company. He could really drop a bomb on you.

 

I suggest you cool things off with OM.

 

 

My I don’t think my husband would be collecting evidencesince I have already end the affair at the same night he called the hotel room.My husband could be taking to other lawyer since he is one

 

My husband is a lot of things but he’s not naïve he’s very clearcut

 

One my friends also believes he just doesn’t care hope thatnot the case. I doubt he has someone else but then again I never thought I would have an affair so anything possible but I don’t think he has anyone else

 

He hasn’t really changed much we still talk and are stillcivil with each other but we are more like roommates than anything else. We havehad sex in last 3 months and in the last few months he hasn’t really touched me sexually. Sometimes I wonder if he knew about the affair before that night

 

The affair is already over and I’m asking for a transfer toanother office

[Sofie2013]

Why would you let your lover answer the phone in your hotel room?

 

That’s wasthe first time my husband ever called the hotel phone he always used my cellphone. So I never thought he would and at that time the om was closer to thephone so he just picked it up and I was still a sleeping. It was very weirdthat he would call the hotel room and it was almost 4 in the morning ]

[Sooverhim]

Could he just be burying his head in the sand? Could he be waiting for the A to come to an end knowing that these things almost always do? Maybe he thinks if he pretends nothing is wrong things will eventually sort themselves out. Maybe he is worried that if he confronts you about it your marriage may end, whereas if he just bides his time things will fizzle out with your OM or either you or he will end it.

[Sooverhim]

That’s wasthe first time my husband ever called the hotel phone he always used my cellphone. So I never thought he would and at that time the om was closer to thephone so he just picked it up and I was still a sleeping. It was very weirdthat he would call the hotel room and it was almost 4 in the morning ]

 

It sounds like he suspects Sofie, and he is letting you know that he suspects. And with your OM answering the phone now your H knows for sure. Maybe he is waiting to see what you will do.

[stillafool]

Me and my husband have tighter for 12 years and have two children both 7 (twins). We have had any ok marriage for the most part never really had any problems and we never ever any serious arguments.

 

The reason my posting is for the last 6 months I have been having an affair with and another co-worker who is also married. To make it worse I am friends with his wife who also works for the same company. Both I and john( the guy I’m having the affair with, not his really name) work in the same department and usually have business trips together and it also were we hook up most of the time but we have done it other times before work, after work and during your lunch break and so on.

 

My husband recent found out about my affair. Well I don’t know how long he has known about the affair but he knows. For some reason he still hasn’t confronted me yet of asked any question. It as if everything the same, I just don’t what to do every day I wake up asking myself is today the day my marriage ends is it tomorrow. I am so lost and confused I don’t want to lose my husband or my family but it might be out of my control. Can someone please help me I just don’t what else to do so please help me?

 

More than likely he is having his own affair and does not care what you do. Either that or he is getting his 'ducks in a row' to bleed you dry.

[stillafool]

I know I should confess but the thought of what could happen scares the hell out of me. Part me just wants to keep acting like nothing changed. I don’t want to lose everything I worked so hard to build.

 

So why would you risk losing it by having an affair with someone who is not going to be with you in the end?

[stillafool]

He hasn’t really changed much we still talk and are stillcivil with each other but we are more like roommates than anything else. We havehad sex in last 3 months and in the last few months he hasn’t really touched me sexually. Sometimes I wonder if he knew about the affair before that night

 

He may be having his own affair. That's what it sounds like to me. Maybe he doesn't want to lose everything he has worked for either and considers this a small amount to pay. Good for you that you ended the affair and asked for a transfer.

[aliveagain]

That’s wasthe first time my husband ever called the hotel phone he always used my cellphone. So I never thought he would and at that time the om was closer to thephone so he just picked it up and I was still a sleeping. It was very weirdthat he would call the hotel room and it was almost 4 in the morning ]

 

 

Sofie, your sister was in a serious accident, the last thing he expected to hear was another mans voice answering the phone in your hotel room at 4 in the morning. I would have called the hotel phone thinking your cell phone is turned off or being charged, it was a logical thing to do, the only thing that isn't logical is having another man in your bed. Trust me if he's a lawyer he's getting his ducks in a row. Sounds like some of your friends already know about your affair, they will have to go, anyone that knew but didn't share the information with him will be considered facilitators and not friends of your marriage. Your best hope is to confront him first, be honest with him, if you want to save the marriage ask him his requirements for staying in the marriage. Book yourself into Independent Counseling, find out why you thought bringing another man into your marriage would fix what is wrong with it, why your husbands validation isn't enough for you, why you need validation from other men. I can't remember if you said your affair has been going on for the last 6 months, that could explain his lack of intimacy towards you, he probably already suspected you. DO NOT TRY AND PROTECT OTHER MAN, tell your husband everything, protecting him will be the same as choosing him over your husband. Expect your husband to contact O/M's wife, she needs to know what kind of a man she is really married to, DO NOT WARN O/M. Get tested for STD's and proof of no pregnancy, let your husband see the results. Most waywards lie about using protection. DO NOT TRICKLE TRUTH, tell him everything regardless of how bad it makes you look, anything new discovered later will take him back to day one of discovery. I just hope you didn't do things with O/M that you refused to do with your husband, us husbands have a very hard time getting over that. Be honest, tell the truth.

[Sofie2013]

Could he just be burying his head in the sand? Could he be waiting for the A to come to an end knowing that these things almost always do? Maybe he thinks if he pretends nothing is wrong things will eventually sort themselves out. Maybe he is worried that if he confronts you about it your marriage may end, whereas if he just bides his time things will fizzle out with your OM or either you or he will end it.

 

 

I thought about this and maybe he is just waiting for the affair to come to an end and work on our marriage then. The only thing is it doesn’t fit his personality. My husband likes confrontation and he not the kind of person to just let things happen. He has a very complex personality in a good way.

[Sofie2013]

So why would you risk losing it by having an affair with someone who is not going to be with you in the end?

 

I ask myself the same question very day and I don’t have ananswer.

[Owl]

Rather than focus on what kind of person your husband is...why don't you focus instead on the kind of person you want to be?

 

I'd suggest coming clean to your H.

 

Be the kind of person who admits to their actions, learns from them, and takes every measure to both take action to stop/prevent them from happening again, and taking responsibility for the damage caused by them?

 

End the A, tell your H, and work with him to "affair proof" your marriage and repair the damage you've done.

[LilGirlandOW]

he didnt question who he was on that very night, during that very call?

[Sofie2013]

Sofie, your sister was in a serious accident, the last thing he expected to hear was another mans voice answering the phone in your hotel room at 4 in the morning. I would have called the hotel phone thinking your cell phone is turned off or being charged, it was a logical thing to do, the only thing that isn't logical is having another man in your bed. Trust me if he's a lawyer he's getting his ducks in a row. Sounds like some of your friends already know about your affair, they will have to go, anyone that knew but didn't share the information with him will be considered facilitators and not friends of your marriage. Your best hope is to confront him first, be honest with him, if you want to save the marriage ask him his requirements for staying in the marriage. Book yourself into Independent Counseling, find out why you thought bringing another man into your marriage would fix what is wrong with it, why your husbands validation isn't enough for you, why you need validation from other men. I can't remember if you said your affair has been going on for the last 6 months, that could explain his lack of intimacy towards you, he probably already suspected you. DO NOT TRY AND PROTECT OTHER MAN, tell your husband everything, protecting him will be the same as choosing him over your husband. Expect your husband to contact O/M's wife, she needs to know what kind of a man she is really married to, DO NOT WARN O/M. Get tested for STD's and proof of no pregnancy, let your husband see the results. Most waywards lie about using protection. DO NOT TRICKLE TRUTH, tell him everything regardless of how bad it makes you look, anything new discovered later will take him back to day one of discovery. I just hope you didn't do things with O/M that you refused to do with your husband, us husbands have a very hard time getting over that. Be honest, tell the truth.

 

 

My husband is a lawyer so he could be getting every thing ready but why wait so long it been a month since that night.

 

On one knows about the affair but me, the om, my husband and a friend I have told but she didn’t know about the affair. She found out when I told her a few days after my husband found out.

 

The affair has been going for about 6 months so it possible he has suspected something was already going on.

 

And I won’t lie to him any more I havedone enough of that. He will be given the truth to ever question he asks.

[zevahc]

My husband is a lawyer so he could be getting every thing ready but why wait so long it been a month since that night.

 

On one knows about the affair but me, the om, my husband and a friend I have told but she didn’t know about the affair. She found out when I told her a few days after my husband found out.

 

The affair has been going for about 6 months so it possible he has suspected something was already going on.

 

And I won’t lie to him any more I havedone enough of that. He will be given the truth to ever question he asks.

 

I would confess at this point...and then determine if he wants to work on it, or move forward with the D. What do you want?

[Sofie2013]

Rather than focus on what kind of person your husband is...why don't you focus instead on the kind of person you want to be?

 

I'd suggest coming clean to your H.

 

Be the kind of person who admits to their actions, learns from them, and takes every measure to both take action to stop/prevent them from happening again, and taking responsibility for the damage caused by them?

 

End the A, tell your H, and work with him to "affair proof" your marriage and repair the damage you've done.

 

 

 

I know I have to tell him and waiting is possible going to make things worse. I don’t know how to tell him. I wish I could just forget this ever happened and move on. I know that not possible and it probably wishful thinking. I don’t know just the thought of not having anymore is too much to bear.I would love nothing more than to work on our marriage but I don’t know if he would be willing. The damage might be too great.

[Sofie2013]

he didnt question who he was on that very night, during that very call?

 

No he just told the other om to put me on the phone and then he told me what happened to my sister. I didn’t say anything I was in total shock I just sat their waited till he hung up and I just started to cry. The om tried to comfort me but I told not to touch me and to get out. It also the last time me and the om talked to each other