suspecting that my wife cheated 15 years ago

[KMA]

Hi! I'm starting to get obsessed by the idea my wife cheated on me some 15 years ago (we are 19 years together). For several reasons, I can't openly discuss/press her about that issue... it was long ago, currently we have a good life, and she is quite "tough" concerning such kind of interrogations ... from an open tentative discussion would not result any good ...

 

The story:

15 y. ago we were both in our late twenties, 3 years after we married. My wife is really beautiful and sexy, green eyes, beautiful face, fit, sexy body, big breasts; she is also intelligent, a professional with her own career and financial independence. Myself, women have always found me appealing, I had quite many girlfriends before we married. I'm also an independent professional with an excellent income and a prospective career.

After we married I have never cheated on my wife (although I have had many opportunities, some of them of the kind "not to miss").

 

My wife only have had one boyfriend before myself. Not that she says much about her first boyfriend (she is not that kind of person), but the thing I know is that they haven't had any vaginal sex since she was virgin when we had sex together for first time (pretty much time after starting to date and not long before we married). This is not a big surprise, since she had received quite a conservative education by her mother, a very very restrictive one indeed ... Currently, however, she is quite open and liberal with respect to sex.

 

Our marriage was in the beginning quite difficult, mostly because of interfering parents, and financial difficulties long separations due to study/business trips ... we loved each other but have had quite serious fights and even thinking to divorce.

 

15 years ago we have lived far from each other for 9 months, since I left for another country due to a job. She lived these 9 months in the city where we married and where also lived and continues to live her former boyfriend. After these 9 months she came to live with me and we never came back. When I left before this period of 9 months and left her alone, we were in quite bad period of our marriage, I'd say the absolute minimum: writing angry Emails to each other, or not calling each other for a week or so.

If I'm honest, from todays point of view, at least 60% for that crisis was mine.

 

During this time my wife had both reason to cheat (rapidly deteriorating relationship) and opportunity (her job and her former boyfriend's job were nearly at the same place; even way home was the same direction:-) I know (not any secret, told by third parties), for instance, that they have had lunches together many times, alone or with other colleagues.

 

Former boyfriend is 10 years older than both of us, but kind of "Don Juan", or at least he thinks so, I admit he appeals to women, mostly because of reassured behavior than being super attractive, and I'm sure that he would not have missed opportunity to compensate for (not entirely) consummated relationship when he was dating her (I can imagine he has been quite badly surprised during the time he has been dating her (before myself), such an experienced guy and experienced lover not managing to bring the things to the end with such an attractive girl.

 

Anyway, when, at the end of those 9 months my wife and me reunited again (in a new country, alone, no interfering parents, never more!!!) our relationship immediately improved (there were no disturbing factors) and continues happy till these days. We have a 5 years daughter together and rely on each other for everything and we love each other, at least that's the situation from my point of view.

 

One thing that surprised me very much the first night after those 9 months of separation was a big change in the sexual behavior of my wife. During the first 2-3 years before the period I'm referring to, we had intense and relatively good sex life, but still she seldom was reaching orgasms. She was quite shy in bed too. The night after the period of 9 months (during which I suspect she cheated with her former boyfriend) she had 3 explosive orgasms... and in the weeks and months after that she has had a very strong sexual drive, she also became open to new things in bed, has been achieving orgasm nearly every time we have had sex, even multiple orgasms even crying after orgasm ... . It was a "phase transition", from enjoying sex but being conservative and quite passive ... to a wild partner .... Currently, we still enjoy very intense sex, obviously not so explosive.

 

My point is, that such a change is usually associated by sexologists/psicologists with cheating/getting disinhibited/gaining new experiences when cheating ... or feeling guilty (crying after orgasm, never happened to her before that period nor after it). Ladies, what do you think about that? Men could possibly be of less help on this point :-)

 

My delicate tries to understand what the reason for this brutal transition ended up with some semi-angry short comments "because I missed you terribly" ... may be ... or may be not ...

 

Her former boyfriend is currently married with 2 children ... Since we live 10 000 km from him in another country, another continent, no danger to meet any more. So, please, understand, I'm NOT CONCERNED about any current

relationship/try to revive the (possible) cheating.

Currently, I don't think she has opportunity or/and desire to cheat. Not currently, no. Short business trips we have both, but I don't think so.

 

My obsession is kind of "HISTORIC" if you get it :-)

 

However, even now, he regularly sends my wife Emails once per year - for for Christmas ... These Emails are short and nearly formal, except that he uses the familiar pet name he calls her ... and except some short comments which can be interpreted one way or another depending what you know and believe, but to me they are not totally innocent (hint to possibly some well kept secret between them) ... Emails which don't even send kisses but still ...

She always answers him. Or even some years for Christmas she sends greetings to him first (before him). This 15 y. after they have not seen each other!. Her Emails are completely and entirely formal. You cannot find anything suspicious in them.... except that she also uses a pet name for him !?

 

Where do I know about the Emails? OK, I start becoming a spy maniac - after a considerable effort I cracked my wife's passwords and can access her Email, too bad ... for the time being I don't abuse ... much .... :-)

 

In addition, there have been occasionally some comments by my wife, very ambiguous ones, that could possibly mean something like "besides you are handsome and a hot lover, and also a fantastic friend and a good companion sometimes older men are better/more genuine men :woohoo: "....

 

I don't know in what sense possibly more serious/more responsible -- but more probably she means something like more authoritative, powerful, commanding in life... not particularly myself ... I'm for partnership equality ... except in sex when it's agreed that a partner would like dominance for a while (sometimes my wife's case, which I fully satisfy as I try to satisfy any other her need in bed and in life and partnership).

 

She doesn't say more that about older men, it would be ridiculous, we are now in our (early) forties.

 

Anyway, I am getting more and more obsessed with this old story of possible cheating ... because I have been loyal during all these years and because I love her so much, after 19 years of marriage.

 

Getting obsessed to the point that I took some old hard drives out of old computers of ours to search for clues of that period:eek: Haven't found anything very informative, besides what I knew.

 

And to the point to half consider to have an affair with a beautiful colleague of mine (very eager, by the way).... That's stupid, I know, and most

probably will remain a fantasy for dissatisfaction of my younger colleague.

 

Or to the point to produce some fake letter to my wife and observe her reaction...

 

I have endless ideas :-)

That's also very wrong, I know, such things easily get out of control.

But I need to to something, that has to do with the kind of person I am: it can take long time, but I need to do something about this growing obsession. I'm not exactly impulsive, but can spend enormous effort (or money) in order to find some info ... Except that options are limited, 15 years ago, and 10 000 km distance, what to do, what kind of HISTORIC INTELLIGENCE to apply?

I already unmount the HD of all old computers in our basement, checked all her archives papers/books accessible (I would doubt that she has some hidden archives, but it's possible)....

 

Sorry for the long story....

I'd appreciate any opinions/tips/comparisons/criticisms.....by both sexes.

Thanks!

[cozycottagelg]

It sounds to me like you want to find out she cheated so that you can sleep with "a beautiful colleague of mine (very eager, by the way).... "

 

Sorry, you have absolutely zero proof your wife cheated on you.

[CarrieT]

You need to TOTALLY 'fess up to your wife your suspicions, actions, and potential affair.

 

Anything other than coming 100% clean will only continue to deteriorate and your marriage could suffer.

[cozycottagelg]

Also wanted to add - hearing from an ex boyfriend from 20 years ago once a year isn't a big deal to me. There isn't even anything suspicious in these messages.

[OpheliaSong]

When you were gone on the business trip, she may have learned how to masturbate so learning what she wanted and how to seek pleasure. Does not prove she cheated since many women in oppressive homes are taught sex is bad and don't touch your vagina. She can't help an old bf contacted her. Being friends with an ex as long as they are respectful isn't a crime or cheating.

You want to cheat now so you are bringing the past up and that isn't even okay a little bit. You have no proof and not really any circumstantial evidence which I explained away in five seconds.

Edited January 16, 2014 by OpheliaSong

[harrybrown]

Tell her that this is bothering you.

 

Did she ever get tested for stds?

 

Ask her to take a polygraph. See how that goes over, but I do not think she will be happy about it.

 

You could tell her how this bothers you and ask her to cut off all contact with her older lover.

[ZMM]

Are you thinking about having a revenge affair?

[KMA]

It sounds to me like you want to find out she cheated so that you can sleep with "a beautiful colleague of mine (very eager, by the way).... "

 

Sorry, you have absolutely zero proof your wife cheated on you.

 

 

 

Thanks for your answer, I agree you have a point, but still ... I'm suspecting my wife for years, and the opportunity for this affair is several months old, and I have had many opportunities before, never took advantage ... so I believe, it's not getting old, wanting sex diversity behind it ....

[KMA]

Are you thinking about having a revenge affair?

 

 

No, that's not the point, I think. I could have had many, and without any dilemmas but have't

[KMA]

When you were gone on the business trip, she may have learned how to masturbate so learning what she wanted and how to seek pleasure. Does not prove she cheated since many women in oppressive homes are taught sex is bad and don't touch your vagina. She can't help an old bf contacted her. Being friends with an ex as long as they are respectful isn't a crime or cheating.

You want to cheat now so you are bringing the past up and that isn't even okay a little bit. You have no proof and not really any circumstantial evidence which I explained away in five seconds.

 

You are right about possibility to learn orgasms, yes.... although I don't imagine her, especially 15 ago, with some book or on-line engine following orgasm exercises, she is quite the opposite of a rational approach to sex, but theoretically it's possible.

 

I regret I mentioned this about thinking to cheat myself, it distracts the attention, I most probably will not, as I haven't in any previous very explicit opportunities (I have success with women), since I not only love my wife, I'm in love with her...

[KMA]

Are you thinking about having a revenge affair?

 

This is an opportunity, but not the first opportunity... most probably I will not...

[KMA]

Tell her that this is bothering you.

 

Did she ever get tested for stds?

 

Ask her to take a polygraph. See how that goes over, but I do not think she will be happy about it.

 

You could tell her how this bothers you and ask her to cut off all contact with her older lover.

 

I think that telling her about that would be contra-productive (except I have clear proofs).

 

STD are not an issue, we have had unprotected sex with each other for years

and we don't have any std (proved at blood donation).

 

Polygraph is not an option, if I suggest her such thing, probability is that she will lough only, and a lot. Or, will say that I'm more crazy than she imagined :-)

[OpheliaSong]

You are right about possibility to learn orgasms, yes.... although I don't imagine her, especially 15 ago, with some book or on-line engine following orgasm exercises, she is quite the opposite of a rational approach to sex, but theoretically it's possible.

 

I regret I mentioned this about thinking to cheat myself, it distracts the attention, I most probably will not, as I haven't in any previous very explicit opportunities (I have success with women), since I not only love my wife, I'm in love with her...

 

Sometimes it isn't about learning from a book or internet. She could have just had a lot of time waiting for you for return laying there in the dark and thinking, hmm...what to do, what to do? Then her panties rubbed her clitoris the right way and she said...ohhh nice what if I did this and this and what if I ???

 

Still not convinced you aren't overreacting.

[ZMM]

This is an opportunity, but not the first opportunity... most probably I will not...

 

I wasn't judging, just curious.

 

Polygraph is not an option, if I suggest her such thing, probability is that she will lough only, and a lot. Or, will say that I'm more crazy than she imagined :-)

 

Yeah, I could see her point. If she knew all the stuff you had already done, she might think you were extremely paranoid and somewhat insecure, lacking in self-confidence.

 

My suggestion would be to figure out why you are so worried about this and try to address the issue within you. She probably didn't cheat on you. If she did, well it was a very long time ago and you have no evidence. If you love her and want to stay married to her, you better get over it. Otherwise, it's time to move on.

[Chi townD]

The time to spy on your wife about something that happened 19 years ago has long since past. If she cheated on you, then she's forgiven herself and has moved on from that point in her life almost decades ago.

 

You need to talk to her about it. But, even if she did, I seriously doubt she'll be truthful about it. Why bring up something that happened 19 years ago and destroy 19 years of marriage over something that she's moved on from.

[stillafool]

Are you going to divorce her?

[pteromom]

You are this obsessed about something that happened 15 years ago... why?

 

You have no reason to believe she has cheated on you in the time since then (and no evidence that says she did so then), you have a great life together, a child, and a wonderful sex life. WHY are so so obsessed with messing all that up?

 

You could be putting all the energy you are putting into snooping, revenge fantasies, and ideas to get to the "truth" into your relationship. You could be having so much fun.

 

Why do you want to sabotage your happiness?

 

You need professional help. You are feeding these obsessive thoughts and you need help to get out of that loop.

 

Even if three years from now, your wife comes clean and says she did cheat back then, you will have missed out on 3 more years of fun and happiness while you spent your time being angry and suspicious and paranoid.

 

It doesn't make sense to me.

[KMA]

Sometimes it isn't about learning from a book or internet. She could have just had a lot of time waiting for you for return laying there in the dark and thinking, hmm...what to do, what to do? Then her panties rubbed her clitoris the right way and she said...ohhh nice what if I did this and this and what if I ???

 

Still not convinced you aren't overreacting.

 

Dear OpheliaSong,

 

I see and largely I agree with you, what you describe about laying in the dark is possible and sounds really good ... exciting

 

And you are right ... I overreact, for sure, it's temperament, I suppose, or tendency to paranoia (possibly), I'm not insecure and I don't lack confidence, but somehow I'm kind of a hidden extremist in the love subject (and possibly in some others), absolute love is absolute, no compromises are allowed, you understand me, I'm sure... And it's somehow an intellectual challenge too, I can't imagine I'll die one day without knowing, but I'll not ask explicitly just like that "out of the blue", that's not my way----

[KMA]

Are you going to divorce her?

 

If she confirms to have cheated? Possibly not. But my feelings and everything else between us will change.

[KMA]

You are this obsessed about something that happened 15 years ago... why?

 

You have no reason to believe she has cheated on you in the time since then (and no evidence that says she did so then), you have a great life together, a child, and a wonderful sex life. WHY are so so obsessed with messing all that up?

 

You could be putting all the energy you are putting into snooping, revenge fantasies, and ideas to get to the "truth" into your relationship. You could be having so much fun.

 

Why do you want to sabotage your happiness?

 

You need professional help. You are feeding these obsessive thoughts and you need help to get out of that loop.

 

Even if three years from now, your wife comes clean and says she did cheat back then, you will have missed out on 3 more years of fun and happiness while you spent your time being angry and suspicious and paranoid.

 

It doesn't make sense to me.

 

You have much right, one answer to your question is that I'm kind of extremist in love, I have been 100%, 1000% loyal and that was pleasant to me, but the thought that it's possible that this could have been not reciprocal derails me....

[Buckeye2]

One thing that surprised me very much the first night after those 9 months of separation was a big change in the sexual behavior of my wife. During the first 2-3 years before the period I'm referring to, we had intense and relatively good sex life, but still she seldom was reaching orgasms. She was quite shy in bed too. The night after the period of 9 months (during which I suspect she cheated with her former boyfriend) she had 3 explosive orgasms... and in the weeks and months after that she has had a very strong sexual drive.

 

Look up the term "hysterical bonding."

 

[You seem very proud of the fact that you nailed your wife before anyone and her first boyfriend struck out. I think you’re obsessed because an affair would take that away from you, even 15 years later.

 

Would you have married your wife if her old boyfriend got some before you were married?

 

You have a great marriage. Don’t ruin it by having sex with that other girl. What would you say if you got caught?

[thummper]

KMA, I just re-read your opening post. When I got to the part about how fantastic your sex life is now with your wife, I couldn't help but think, "My God, what's he worried about?" This sounds a little crude, and for that I do apologize, but just for the sake of argument let's say that she did have an affair with this other guy. It's possible he awoke in her this overwhelming, RAGING desire she has for YOU. If it's true, then, man, count your blessings. She could have divorced you, if he was so fantastic, and stayed here, but she didn't. She chose to come to you, and she's stayed with you, and she's made your life wonderful. Never forget: SHE PICKED YOU! Love her. Treasure her. It's more likely that she couldn't stand being away from you any longer, and just had to join you in the new place with NO affair to kickstart her sex drive. Nine months without you could have caused her desire for sex with you to increase. I don't actually see any evidence in anything you said that she has betrayed you. Let it go, my friend, before you make her regret her decision. And good luck to both of you in the future.

[pteromom]

You have much right, one answer to your question is that I'm kind of extremist in love, I have been 100%, 1000% loyal and that was pleasant to me, but the thought that it's possible that this could have been not reciprocal derails me....

 

You have control over what you allow to derail you. You sound like a smart guy, and you can retrain your thinking so that you aren't so obsessive about this, if you want to. But do you want to? Or do you get some kind of payoff doing this? Some sort of feeling of false control?

 

If you are going to worry about something, then worry all the way through to the end.

 

There are four possibilities here:

 

- She never cheated, in which case you are wasting an AWFUL lot of energy and worry over nothing.

 

- She cheated, and you'll never find out, in which case you are wasting a lot of happiness you could be having.

 

- She cheated, and you'll find out, and you will leave her. In which case, you will be better off to not be with someone who can be unfaithful, and you will go on to find someone who won't cheat.

 

- She cheated, and you'll find out, and you will work through it together and stay together. In which case you may have some temporary turbulence, but will ultimately be OK.

 

So in all these scenarios, you end up ok.

 

The energy and worry you are putting into this are not in balance with the outcomes. There is something you are getting out of all this, and you need to figure out what it is so you can just stop it.

[KMA]

Look up the term "hysterical bonding."

 

[You seem very proud of the fact that you nailed your wife before anyone and her first boyfriend struck out. I think you’re obsessed because an affair would take that away from you, even 15 years later.

 

Possibly, it has some true ...

 

Would you have married your wife if her old boyfriend got some before you were married?

 

Yes, definitely!

 

You have a great marriage. Don’t ruin it by having sex with that other girl. What would you say if you got caught?

 

Whatever I say, it will be not much help, my wife is quite jealous ... I obviously would not refer to my suspicions concerning 15 years old story... but all that is just a theoretical possibility:...

[KMA]

You have control over what you allow to derail you. You sound like a smart guy, and you can retrain your thinking so that you aren't so obsessive about this, if you want to. But do you want to? Or do you get some kind of payoff doing this? Some sort of feeling of false control?

 

If you are going to worry about something, then worry all the way through to the end.

 

There are four possibilities here:

 

- She never cheated, in which case you are wasting an AWFUL lot of energy and worry over nothing.

 

- She cheated, and you'll never find out, in which case you are wasting a lot of happiness you could be having.

 

- She cheated, and you'll find out, and you will leave her. In which case, you will be better off to not be with someone who can be unfaithful, and you will go on to find someone who won't cheat.

 

- She cheated, and you'll find out, and you will work through it together and stay together. In which case you may have some temporary turbulence, but will ultimately be OK.

 

So in all these scenarios, you end up ok.

 

The energy and worry you are putting into this are not in balance with the outcomes. There is something you are getting out of all this, and you need to figure out what it is so you can just stop it.

 

pteromom, thanks: a really smart analysis Naturally, I have thought along some of these cases, but not so well ordered/systematic.

 

unfortunately, if energy and worry wasted was always proportional to a reasonable outcome, it would be a different universe. Yes, I believe I am smart, and frequently rational but also sometimes I go to the extreme ... too bad ...

 

There is also another thing, my wife has behaved during all our life together as being above any possible suspicion of cheating (when discussing other couples) and quite jealous ... (in cases when she has thought I am flirting with other women in her presence, which I certainly haven't seen it this way).... it would be such a BIG SURPRISE if she is not so clean as she pretends ...