Is there shame in staying?

[experiencethedevine]

I have spoken to quite a significant number of betrayed spouses who, after a time, state that they felt ashamed for a period that they stayed with their wayward spouse.

 

 

I am interested in at what point, for how long one might have experienced this.

 

 

Though my personal experience of the fallout of my husbands near four year affair was a considerably long time ago, I do recall feeling some discomfort in the consideration that I might have been 'weak' in my choice to stay and rebuild. The feeling was fleeting, but enough to channel my internal analysis.

 

 

Of course, the fact is that it is often a greater effort to remain and repair the damage of infidelity than to concede defeat and leave.

 

 

What are/were your perceptions of such a thought, if any?

[HermioneG]

I have spoken to quite a significant number of betrayed spouses who, after a time, state that they felt ashamed for a period that they stayed with their wayward spouse.

 

 

I am interested in at what point, for how long one might have experienced this.

 

 

Though my personal experience of the fallout of my husbands near four year affair was a considerably long time ago, I do recall feeling some discomfort in the consideration that I might have been 'weak' in my choice to stay and rebuild. The feeling was fleeting, but enough to channel my internal analysis.

 

 

Of course, the fact is that it is often a greater effort to remain and repair the damage of infidelity than to concede defeat and leave.

 

 

What are/were your perceptions of such a thought, if any?

 

 

I think in the aftermath- any sort of number of feelings are normal.

 

I never felt shame.

 

But I have felt flashes of anger, actually, at people who have not had these experiences making flip, offhand comments about what they "would not stand for", if infidelity ever entered their lives.

 

But that is more of a righteous thing, and now, for the most part, I just remind myself that they clearly have not had the experience.

[Allumere]

I think it depends on the person and all the bits and pieces of the events that happen, the relationship before and after, beliefs, etc.

 

In my case I did feel shame because in my mind I became "one of those women." I had seen time and time again women that were in bad relationships, whether abused, disrespected, or cheated on, and my reaction was always the same....Don't you love yourself? How or why would you allow anyone to treat you like that? Are you really that weak?" Because that was my viewpoint I really didn't respect myself much for sticking around and struggled with it. My justification (in my mind) was that it was my ex's bipolar disorder causing all the problems..blah, blah, blah. Given how things worked out, I should have ended things immediately after the first slip. I wasted too much time and lost myself and still today the scars are deep...and for that I feel shame that I allowed the actions of someone else to cause that kind of damage. It's time I won't get back.

[Steadfast]

I would advise working against feelings of weakness or neediness. Shame for cheating is the betrayers; even if the betrayed somehow feels responsible for events prior. Still, isn't life about living? It's not always fun.

 

And one more reason for the cheater to do the heavy lifting.

 

I believe the biggest challenge is trust. Even repaired, it's never the same.

[whatatangledweb]

I did feel shame and I also felt that by letting him stay I was letting him get away with it. I would say that lasted around six months. I felt it more the first three months but still would get flashes of it for the three months after it.

[BetrayedH]

I think I felt a variation of this. I couldn't stomach the fact that my wife was just going to have gotten away with having a year-long fantasy affair in the middle of our marriage while I stood by and took it. I think it was more akin to jealousy (but perhaps shame was a part of it as well); she was going to have screwed somebody else like 50 times and I got nothing but anguish. Maybe it's a man thing. I was jealous of the physical sex. That thought-process (and other similar rationalizations) lead me to have my own affair.

[Journee]

I think it depends on the person and all the bits and pieces of the events that happen, the relationship before and after, beliefs, etc.

 

In my case I did feel shame because in my mind I became "one of those women." I had seen time and time again women that were in bad relationships, whether abused, disrespected, or cheated on, and my reaction was always the same....Don't you love yourself? How or why would you allow anyone to treat you like that? Are you really that weak?" Because that was my viewpoint I really didn't respect myself much for sticking around and struggled with it. My justification (in my mind) was that it was my ex's bipolar disorder causing all the problems..blah, blah, blah. Given how things worked out, I should have ended things immediately after the first slip. I wasted too much time and lost myself and still today the scars are deep...and for that I feel shame that I allowed the actions of someone else to cause that kind of damage. It's time I won't get back.

 

 

This is me. I always viewed myself as strong and as a survivor. I have came through quite a bit of trauma in my 28 years. Yet, I keep coming back to this one relationship that has been all I have known for so long. No matter what. No matter how the stakes have risen. I don't respect my decisions in this relationship. I would not advise another to do as I have done.

 

My H is a serial cheater though so I have no clue what it's like to be with a man that made a poor set out choices with just one person. Though for me, at this point, even if it was one woman 300 times I would still feel the same.

 

I have done a lot of work on myself since this last woman. Through faith and introspection. Through reading and studying. Though prayer. My H has not tried to figure out his ways without my prompting the conversation. He really just has no desire to figure it out and would be quite happy if I would rugsweep this incident as I have always done.

 

Something has snapped in me ,however. I cannot be the one doing all of the work in damming up our M.

 

So, today. At this point. I'm not happy with my choice to work it out again. I feel I should had washed my hands of this rot many moons ago.

[Journee]

I think I feltthought a variation of this. I couldn't stomach the fact that my wife was just going to have gottenhave away with havinthisg a year-long fantasy affair in the middle of our marriage while I stood by and took it. I think it was more akin to jealousthat hey (but perhaps shame was a part of it as well); she was going to have screwed somebody else like 50 times and I got nothing but anguish. Maybe it's a man thing. I was jealous of the physical sex. That thought-process (and other similar rationalizations) lead me to have my own affair.

 

 

 

It is not just a man thing at all. The thought of my H between someone else's legs still makes my heart sink into the pit of my stomach. I have struggled with thoughts of an RA too. I'm not proud of my thought processes through this but I would be lying if a small part of me didn't feel that he deserves to imagine my moans and groans as I have his. This indicates a huge problem. I do not want to hurt him though. We need to poo or get off the pot in my situation. Whenever I think I have it figured out another wave comes through and I'm reeling again.

 

What a ride.

[ComingInHot]

I think there's a bit of shame in it but not near as much as my remorseful H felt and still feels at times today.

 

Honestly, I think there's shame (or probably should be) all way around. For exOW as well.

 

Sometimes, I... nevermind, different topic altogether.

[Fluttershy]

I dont know i it was shame so much as hurt pride. I'd always been very vocal among friends that I'd walk. Now we didn't do wide spread exposure but the people who did find out had always heard me say I wouldn't give a cheater a second chance. But i accepted that I had felt that way and that was okay. I hadn't expeienced it and once I did changing my mind was also okay.

[Allumere]

This is me. I always viewed myself as strong and as a survivor. I have came through quite a bit of trauma in my 28 years. Yet, I keep coming back to this one relationship that has been all I have known for so long. No matter what. No matter how the stakes have risen. I don't respect my decisions in this relationship. I would not advise another to do as I have done.

 

My H is a serial cheater though so I have no clue what it's like to be with a man that made a poor set out choices with just one person. Though for me, at this point, even if it was one woman 300 times I would still feel the same.

 

I have done a lot of work on myself since this last woman. Through faith and introspection. Through reading and studying. Though prayer. My H has not tried to figure out his ways without my prompting the conversation. He really just has no desire to figure it out and would be quite happy if I would rugsweep this incident as I have always done.

 

Something has snapped in me ,however. I cannot be the one doing all of the work in damming up our M.

 

So, today. At this point. I'm not happy with my choice to work it out again. I feel I should had washed my hands of this rot many moons ago.

 

I am sorry you are going through this...I don't wish on my worst enemy. Oh yes, the ole "under the rug" game. My saying regarding that is you can sweep the dead mouse under the rug but in time it's still gonna stink!!!

 

If I have learned anything there is a single driver above all things that affects the choices we make...fear. As much as we struggle, try to change the situation, pray, hope, kick and scream, fear prevents anything from ever changing. What you are living is a lie and IMHO that is not what God intended. This is not a marriage and his repeated adultery gets the "OK" seal of approval from God to divorce. The only thing you are responsible for is forgiving him (and it took me almost 6 years to forgive my ex). Don't let fear of change, being alone, starting over, criticism or anything else stop you from moving forward and living the life that you were meant to. It will be hard and at times disappointing and overwhelming but it will also be freeing and peaceful. By cutting off the dead limb, you will be able grow and find who you really are once again.

[BetrayedH]

I dont know i it was shame so much as hurt pride. I'd always been very vocal among friends that I'd walk. Now we didn't do wide spread exposure but the people who did find out had always heard me say I wouldn't give a cheater a second chance. But i accepted that I had felt that way and that was okay. I hadn't expeienced it and once I did changing my mind was also okay.

 

Not to minimize your experience or hurt (at all), but I can't help but think that your H's voluntary ending of the affair and subsequent voluntary confession probably went a long way with you. Would you agree?

[harrybrown]

Shame in staying? That is a good question.

 

I think both R and D are difficult. Right now I feel that R is more difficult, but what do I know, because we are still in R.

 

I do not feel shame is staying. I feel more shame in that I am not man enough for her, that I am the backup plan. Yes, I have been told that the cheating was selfish and all on her. That I am her world, but somehow in my mind why would she cheat if something was not missing in me? I am more of a successful man by far, and I can't figure out what she ever saw in him.

 

So maybe it was not a physical comparison, but there had to be something on some emotional connection or why cheat?

 

So I don't feel shame for staying, but I do feel less self-esteem, because for some reason, I was second best at the time. (and will always feel second best)

[maaz3231]

I am almost two years from D-Day now, and I still feel shame from time to time. I think it is one of the many natural reactions that come from being a betrayed spouse. But on the other hand, I really do believe it takes a lot more courage and strength to stay and try to fix the relationship.

[Steen719]

I'm not so sure that it is also more difficult to stay and reconcile. I am not arguing the point, but as I have done both, at least initially, leaving and divorcing was more difficult for me. 2 years out, it is easier.

 

I did feel some regret, not really shame, but some regret that I did not leave the first time. I felt weak and that I had put up with something I said I wouldn't. It sure was different when faced with it, particularly when you have a child. To make that matter worse, he told me that he most likely would have not been able to stay had the roles been reversed. I wanted to feel strong that I stayed, committed and good that I had endured and in some ways I did, but still felt that bad feeling you describe as shame - I don't know, maybe it was.

 

That feeling did subside, only to renew with a vengeance when he cheated again. Hit myself on the forehead - shouldn't I have known? Hadn't he shown me what he was? How could I have "demeaned" myself to stay with a cheater?

 

All of that being said, I never regretted leaving this time. It was hard, I have lost a lot financially - well, almost everything I worked all my life for, but I don't regret not being with him. I forgive him, but I feel stronger than I did while I was with him.

 

It is hard, no matter what you decide. It gets easier, also, no matter what you decide, so endure as better days will prevail.

[atreides]

If I may add my 2 cents, my wife insulted me point blank in front of me, kissing other men, that was her point to get at me i later found out. You can read my story if you wish on it.

 

I digress... i felt many things but i felt no shame because I was confident in my decision to work things out with her and were we stood. That is also my point, what is shame when it is based on a positive factor you control such as to work on your marriage? Therefore shame can only be what we fear others see us as and perhaps including the WS.

 

So no, there is no shame but the feelings and emotions are all over the place and the decision to stay and rebuild your M is on you, not your WS or anyone else but you. You control in the end just how much shame you want to feel.

[tiredofitall2]

I have spoken to quite a significant number of betrayed spouses who, after a time, state that they felt ashamed for a period that they stayed with their wayward spouse.

 

 

I am interested in at what point, for how long one might have experienced this.

 

 

Though my personal experience of the fallout of my husbands near four year affair was a considerably long time ago, I do recall feeling some discomfort in the consideration that I might have been 'weak' in my choice to stay and rebuild. The feeling was fleeting, but enough to channel my internal analysis.

 

 

Of course, the fact is that it is often a greater effort to remain and repair the damage of infidelity than to concede defeat and leave.

 

 

What are/were your perceptions of such a thought, if any?

 

 

I think shame can affect anyone that decides to stay, but I'd have to say that gender, ethnic background and culture would play a larger role in some people feelings of shame. Religious background can play a big part to.

 

The male ego makes it near impossible to get over the shame and the opinion of family and his other male friends just add insult to injury.

 

IMOH there is not shame in forgiving and working on a M if the WS wants to work things out and is truly remorseful.

[Fluttershy]

Not to minimize your experience or hurt (at all), but I can't help but think that your H's voluntary ending of the affair and subsequent voluntary confession probably went a long way with you. Would you agree?

 

It did in the end and it beat trickle truth... But in the close aftermath. Not at all. I didn't think "gee, what an honest bloke glad he came clean." in fact at times i was livid that he didn't just swallow his actions and pretend "damned if you do...". I even thought about this trip i took a month earlier. He had hooked up with her that weekend. I had thought about comin home early and he had convinced me to stay and enjoy myself... While fking her! I thought about what if I had came home and caught him? And how could he go from that to ending it and confessig? You always doubt.

 

I encourage people to come clean on their own because in the long run it helps. For either divorce or reconciliation. But I wouldn't say it made it easier for me him confessing the initial blow. For him it did. It was hard for him to get the courage for sure but, easier to deal with "fog" and all that.

[BetrayedH]

It did in the end and it beat trickle truth... But in the close aftermath. Not at all. I didn't think "gee, what an honest bloke glad he came clean." in fact at times i was livid that he didn't just swallow his actions and pretend "damned if you do...". I even thought about this trip i took a month earlier. He had hooked up with her that weekend. I had thought about comin home early and he had convinced me to stay and enjoy myself... While fking her! I thought about what if I had came home and caught him? And how could he go from that to ending it and confessig? You always doubt.

 

I encourage people to come clean on their own because in the long run it helps. For either divorce or reconciliation. But I wouldn't say it made it easier for me him confessing the initial blow. For him it did. It was hard for him to get the courage for sure but, easier to deal with "fog" and all that.

 

Thanks for the reply. I was doing my best to avoid terms like, "easier" because I'm smart enough to know how many angles these things can hurt us from. You cited some good examples of how it all still just plain sucks.

 

To bring it on-topic, I wondered if the personal shame might be lessened if your spouse had stopped the affair and voluntarily confessed, if perhaps that might make it easier to forgive. Statistics that I've seen show a doubling in the chances of a couple staying together when a voluntary disclosure occured rather than a discovery. We don't see a lot of voluntary confessions here and, while it may be anecdotal, you seem to be at peace with your decision to reconcile. I was curious for your perspective. But I realize that it doesn't lessen things like triggers and such. Thanks for the dialogue.

[Fluttershy]

Thanks for the reply. I was doing my best to avoid terms like, "easier" because I'm smart enough to know how many angles these things can hurt us from. You cited some good examples of how it all still just plain sucks.

 

To bring it on-topic, I wondered if the personal shame might be lessened if your spouse had stopped the affair and voluntarily confessed, if perhaps that might make it easier to forgive. Statistics that I've seen show a doubling in the chances of a couple staying together when a voluntary disclosure occured rather than a discovery. We don't see a lot of voluntary confessions here and, while it may be anecdotal, you seem to be at peace with your decision to reconcile. I was curious for your perspective. But I realize that it doesn't lessen things like triggers and such. Thanks for the dialogue.

 

 

I dont really know on the shame thing. I was rather fast at getting to the "it is all your fault, SOB. That helps with te shame. I think it not being repeated and his "good" behaviour made for less shame. Also, not spreading it wide and far helped. After all everyone knows cheating is a deal breaker for me.

 

Anothet thing is a fair amount of people I know have reconciled after infidelity. And Even though I said I couldn't stay after i never judges them for staying and always thought "good for them". Except of course any seriel cheaters then I just felt sorry for them.

[EverySunset]

hmmm yeah. LOTS of shame. I still feel it, even though we separated last year.

 

He was sooo cruel. I trusted him to work in another country for his work where he paraded his baby AP in front of everyone. Venders. Coworkers. Even some of our mutual friends (who started going behind his back talking to me after it was exposed). He even moved her in for a couple months before he left. The whole sordid thing got out publicly and there was no hiding it.

 

I swallowed the shame for my family.

 

Everyone found out. Down to extended family and my Childs school network. I couldn't get away from it. Everyone was horrified and so many of them expressed how horrible they thought he was to me and reconciling was very hard. And useless. He spiralled out of control with women and booze. By the time I figured it out there was nothing left to save.

 

I am detaching and the blessing of that is I'm not shouldering what I now know was his shame.

 

IS his shame. Whether he owns it, before or now doesn't matter. I left. No more personal shame. At least, that's what I'm working towards.

[Allumere]

Thanks for the reply. I was doing my best to avoid terms like, "easier" because I'm smart enough to know how many angles these things can hurt us from. You cited some good examples of how it all still just plain sucks.

 

To bring it on-topic, I wondered if the personal shame might be lessened if your spouse had stopped the affair and voluntarily confessed, if perhaps that might make it easier to forgive. Statistics that I've seen show a doubling in the chances of a couple staying together when a voluntary disclosure occured rather than a discovery. We don't see a lot of voluntary confessions here and, while it may be anecdotal, you seem to be at peace with your decision to reconcile. I was curious for your perspective. But I realize that it doesn't lessen things like triggers and such. Thanks for the dialogue.

 

 

Again I think there are a lot of variables. Not all spouses who cheat are evil or bad by any stretch. Some people make stupid selfish mistakes. A drunken Christmas party hookup followed by an immediate confession would not make me feel shame for sticking around. An emotional affair over a few months that is acknowledged probably wouldn't either. Repeat offender, someone not willing to own it even after coming clean by deflecting all blame....then the shame hat would go on.

[janedoe67]

The only thing I find shameful is when someone is insecure in their own choice that they must criticize another's choice.

[Timmos]

It sure feels like it sometimes. I get so sick of hearing people say "Oh, well, you're a better/stronger man than me. If it was my wife, I'd have kicked her immediately!"

 

There is a personal sense of weakness, or of being kind of pathetic. Why can't I kick her out? Am I really so weak that I can't just let her go? She'll never respect me if I don't follow through with the "If you ever cheat, you're gone" line. Can I even respect myself?

 

I dealt with all this for quite some time. Its still there, but seems to getting better. Love makes you stupid.

Edited January 26, 2014 by Timmos

[WhiteOrchid]

What I have learned through this experience is that one never knows what they will truly do unless they are personally faced with the situation. Until it happened to me, I was positive I would NEVER give a cheater another chance. Things are so black and white from the outside looking in, and very gray when it is your own life. Painful lesson to learn.

 

These days, I really don't care what other people think. I'm doing what is best for me - and that is R with my WH. I know there is no shame or weakness in what I am doing, and what other people think of my decisions is really the least of my concerns.

 

This horrible experience has taught me to be much less judgmental towards other people's choices in life, that's for sure.