Wife found out about affair

[obtuseedge]

Here was my story from a couple weeks ago, well D-day came yesterday and it's hit our marriage like a tidal wave since.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/515871-affair-partner-broke-off-i-feel-sick

 

My wife apparently looked through my phone yesterday morning while I was in the shower and found some texts I had sent to my affair partner. Since then, it's been living hell at home. I am going to see a professional counselor, and have already had two appointments. It has been extremely difficult to see my wife in so much pain and agony, and to know that I am the cause of it.

 

I saw my affair partner yesterday after my wife found out. She was giddy with excitement thinking this will mean that we will soon have a life together. Since then, I've limited contact to focus on my marriage, but in her communication with me, she's been pushy about me moving out, and dismissive about the fallout and pain my wife is feeling. This has irritated me. I now feel that my conflict between staying or going in the marriage will not be a comparison of the two women, rather it would be a question of whether I can truly be the type of husband my wife deserves, or if I need to be alone to reflect on my life and some wrong decisions I might have made, and the pain and hurt I've caused.

 

I have to say that a part of me does feel a strong urge to end the marriage and divorce, and actually to spend some time being single to reconnect with myself in the aftermath of this. Another part of me sees the determination and strength my wife is exhibiting and her commitment to me and our marriage, and I would feel disgusted with myself if I did not give it my 100% to make this marriage work again. I have gained a lot of respect for my wife in the aftermath of this, even if she has lost respect for me.

 

It's going to be a difficult journey the next month or so. It really feels like hell right now.

[minimariah]

what about your AP?

do you think you and her have a future together?

[obtuseedge]

what about your AP?

do you think you and her have a future together?

 

She certainly wants a future together. However, I have to admit that she had cut me off a second time hoping to provoke a reaction out of me, and seeing how she is responding to all this tumult, I am starting to realize that she may not be a person I can truly be with.

 

In the end, whether I stay or go will be dependent on whether I can be a husband or not at this time.

[purplesorrow]

Whatever you do, just be honest with your wife. False reconciliation is crueler than the affair. Cut off contact with your AP so you can clear your head. As far as what your wife is going through, you haven't really seen any thing yet. Good luck, hope you find your peace.

[obtuseedge]

Whatever you do, just be honest with your wife. False reconciliation is crueler than the affair. Cut off contact with your AP so you can clear your head. As far as what your wife is going through, you haven't really seen any thing yet. Good luck, hope you find your peace.

 

I've told my AP that I would be out of contact for the next few weeks while I focus on my marriage. She's not happy to hear that, but I really need to focus on the issues in my shattered home.

 

I am just starting to come to grips with the pain I've caused her. It honestly makes me hate myself. Yet I know there are deeper issues in my marriage, including the general decline of communication through the years, the lack of sharing with each other (though I certainly take responsibility for this), falling into our own routines and our own worlds, all this allowed the affair to happen.

[Lurkeraspect]

Based on everything you've shared here, I predict that you'll pretend to reconcile with your BS (if she doesn't kick you out, which I would) and just take the affair deeper underground.

 

Also, it sounds like you may have a potential bunny boiler OW on your hands. And let's not forget her psychotic husband.

 

I think your hell is just getting started. Buckle up.

Edited March 7, 2015 by Lurkeraspect

[purplesorrow]

I've told my AP that I would be out of contact for the next few weeks while I focus on my marriage. She's not happy to hear that, but I really need to focus on the issues in my shattered home.

 

I am just starting to come to grips with the pain I've caused her. It honestly makes me hate myself. Yet I know there are deeper issues in my marriage, including the general decline of communication through the years, the lack of sharing with each other (though I certainly take responsibility for this), falling into our own routines and our own worlds, all this allowed the affair to happen.

 

Gently, you are way off base with your time expectations. It's going to be he!! For much longer than a month or so. Giving your AP the time frame of a few weeks is ridiculous. Your wife is in shock at the moment. Once that wears off, you may see anger in your wife like you never have before. She could very well decide she doesn't want to reconcile.

[privategal]

I think maybe your ap compartmentalized your wife and therefore is unable ro think of your wife or her pain...shes thinking of you.

Im not defending her just thar you too were sick when you thought of being without her...she feels the same.

I selfishly NEVER thought of his spouse when I was in ea.

Its not that I didn't care...I blocked her out.

Maybe communicate to ap how much your wife is greiving and how much you feel the responsibility to to help her through and explain to her the hell.

She is blinded by her feelings and love.

Tell her what you told us. That divorce or not you need to be alone and to reconcile your feelings and go through therapy.

Tell her you need a year in solid NC.

If shes the one...if it's meant to be...she'll be there. If not...

You are perfectly within your right to have this time.

Im sorry for you truly but if you loved or cared for AP at least give her a breif conversation don't leave her in the dark...help her see its not the right time right now for her to try for your communication nor commitment.

I think she can't see it until you explain...THEN...walk away and see where the cards fall.

Best wishes this is awful for you. Im sorry.

[whichwayisup]

I am just starting to come to grips with the pain I've caused her. It honestly makes me hate myself. Yet I know there are deeper issues in my marriage, including the general decline of communication through the years, the lack of sharing with each other (though I certainly take responsibility for this), falling into our own routines and our own worlds, all this allowed the affair to happen.

 

And within yourself, not only your marriage. You chose this route, regardless of the state of your marriage and issues at home with your wife. She didn't go and cheat.

 

I agree that the OW has potential to become a real problem, she won't let go without a fight, so DO protect your innocent wife if she causes problems. OW has shown no remorse or sympathy for the pain she's helped cause to your wife. Her saying she was 'giddy' to start a life with you is actually sickening and disheartening.

 

Do you still feel that the OW is your soul mate? That she is 'the one' for you since you said in your previous thread that you two connected so well on all levels? You agreed too, that she was calculating. Well, get ready to see that more often, she's pushing you to move out.

 

And what about her husband? have they actually divorced yet? did he move out?

Edited March 7, 2015 by whichwayisup

[jbrent890]

Wow, another WS that is going to keep his AP in the background because he doesn't know how things are going to turn out. Dude you are selfish and your wife deserves better. If you wanna fix things in your marriage, then completely end things with the OW, if not, then leave your wife. Please don't stick around to fix things to only leave later on. Just rip the band aid off now. Dude do you wanna know what the saddest part about this situation is? Your wife will probably take you back.

[Darren Steez]

I've told my AP that I would be out of contact for the next few weeks while I focus on my marriage. She's not happy to hear that, but I really need to focus on the issues in my shattered home.

 

I am just starting to come to grips with the pain I've caused her. It honestly makes me hate myself. Yet I know there are deeper issues in my marriage, including the general decline of communication through the years, the lack of sharing with each other (though I certainly take responsibility for this), falling into our own routines and our own worlds, all this allowed the affair to happen.

 

Your wife must be thrilled, she'll get you all to herself "for a few weeks"

[Zigoto2]

Try the Retrouvaille program. It will help you and your wife decide if you want to work things out. It helped us decide. It gave us guidance. Recovery is a long, hard process. I gave us a solid starting point. Good luck!

[obtuseedge]

Try the Retrouvaille program. It will help you and your wife decide if you want to work things out. It helped us decide. It gave us guidance. Recovery is a long, hard process. I gave us a solid starting point. Good luck!

 

Thank you, I will look into that.

 

My life is living hell right now. Not only am I trying to repair a shattered home, but my AP is not handling NC well.

 

She sent me several texts today demanding to see me today or she would hurt herself. Even told me she would come by our home if I didn't. I told her I was extremely concerned about her threats, and finally relented to seeing her tomorrow. It has only been two days and already she is saying she cant live without me.

 

I have a feeling this is going to get a lot worse.

[Tayla]

you are under no obligation to meet this person. Since your spouse knows already, her showing up will backfire. You need to face this straight on. take this opportunity to repair your marriage and take a stand. you are not responsible for a manipulative lady pulling the "i"ll harm myself " ruse. She is playing you. If you sincerely think she"ll go thru with it, call a mental health hotline and have them reach out to her. Cut the ties and consider this just the beginning of paying back the piper. No good ever comes out of playing both sides.

[purplesorrow]

Thank you, I will look into that.

 

My life is living hell right now. Not only am I trying to repair a shattered home, but my AP is not handling NC well.

 

She sent me several texts today demanding to see me today or she would hurt herself. Even told me she would come by our home if I didn't. I told her I was extremely concerned about her threats, and finally relented to seeing her tomorrow. It has only been two days and already she is saying she cant live without me.

 

I have a feeling this is going to get a lot worse.

 

If you're so concerned about her well being, contact one of her friends or family members to look after her. If you really want to reconcile, don't continue to put her before your wife. If you really wanted nc, you would block her.

[Jessie1231]

The only reason to keep in contact with this other woman is because you want her as a back up plan if your wife chooses not to stay married to you. Don't do that. If you're serious about working on your marriage, end it with the other woman. She may be crazy, but that isn't your problem anymore. Tell your wife anything she says or does. If she threatens to hurt herself, just call the police and give them her address - let them know she's threatening suicide. Either she will get some help for mental health issues or stop being a drama queen. Tell her by whatever means you're contacting her, that you're blocking her number and to not show up at your house. Then if she does show up, call the cops, press charges for trespassing if you like.

 

My point is that if you are serious about your marriage, be serious about getting rid of the mistake you made. Even if your marriage doesn't work out, do you really want to jump right into another relationship so soon? That isn't a good idea at all.

[Lurkeraspect]

Thank you, I will look into that.

 

My life is living hell right now. Not only am I trying to repair a shattered home, but my AP is not handling NC well.

 

She sent me several texts today demanding to see me today or she would hurt herself. Even told me she would come by our home if I didn't. I told her I was extremely concerned about her threats, and finally relented to seeing her tomorrow. It has only been two days and already she is saying she cant live without me.

 

I have a feeling this is going to get a lot worse.

 

 

Yep.

 

Now is the time to get off the fence. What do you want? Do you want your marriage, with a stable woman, a woman, you say you love, yet the passion has waned, or do you want this? If you opt for your wife, you need to be 100% transparant, tell her what is likely to come, break all ties with the OW, say your goodbyes, be crystal clear that it's over, no break, no 2 week hiatus, no maybes... done.

 

If however you choose to let the OW ride the ride, wait on you to decide (months down the road) to ease your wife into submission or fake some sort of reconciliation, than you are screwed. Your OW is going to blow your world up. And even if you tell her adios, she's likely to make huge waves in your life and marriage, hence you need to let your wife know just what is to come. You know, nut job, full on crazy

 

It's decision time. No ifs. What do you want? The wife, who knows and loves you, or the crazy that you've just gotten a glimpse of?

 

Personally, I think you should punt. Let your wife go, (personally, I think she can do better) then run (RUN) from the crazy OW and her situation. You're screwed.

 

Sounds like all you had from the OW was mid blowing sex. Trust me, you don't need to blow your world up to have that.

Edited March 8, 2015 by Lurkeraspect

[whichwayisup]

Thank you, I will look into that.

 

My life is living hell right now. Not only am I trying to repair a shattered home, but my AP is not handling NC well.

 

She sent me several texts today demanding to see me today or she would hurt herself. Even told me she would come by our home if I didn't. I told her I was extremely concerned about her threats, and finally relented to seeing her tomorrow. It has only been two days and already she is saying she cant live without me.

 

I have a feeling this is going to get a lot worse.

 

I knew this would happen and yes she has the potential now to turn your life even more upside down than you ever expected. This woman could hurt your wife so DO protect your wife from her, no matter what. OW is emotionally charged and upset, capable of reacting and doing things... IF she shows up at your house, get a restraining order against her asap. You're making a big mistake by seeing her, if anything speak to her by phone.

[obtuseedge]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I think her behavior the past week or so, in contrast to how my wife is holding up, has confirmed my choice for me. There really isn't one. My wife is spectacular, and my AP is proving to be far more insane than I ever imagined.

 

I am still very concerned with her threats, so I'm going to see her tomorrow and make sure she isn't serious. But it will be in a public space.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I think her behavior the past week or so, in contrast to how my wife is holding up, has confirmed my choice for me. There really isn't one. My wife is spectacular, and my AP is proving to be far more insane than I ever imagined.

 

I am still very concerned with her threats, so I'm going to see her tomorrow and make sure she isn't serious. But it will be in a public space.

 

Did you tell your wife about everything above? is she aware you're meeting the OW tomorrow? If not, tell her. NO more lying and hiding stuff from her. As much as she is hurting , she needs the truth no matter what.

[Hope Shimmers]

The "giddy with excitement" comment/reaction is the first indication that you are really in trouble with this OW.

 

Now she is manipulating you into seeing her with threats that she will harm herself if you don't? Now you have a potential bunny boiler on your hands.

 

Do NOT see her after that threat, or you will just continue to get more of the same. If she is truly deranged enough that she would commit self-harm if you don't meet with her, then there's nothing you can ultimately do about it - meeting with her one time won't prevent it in the long run. It is likely just a manipulative tactic.

 

However she sounds unstable. You are in a big mess.

[Lurkeraspect]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I think her behavior the past week or so, in contrast to how my wife is holding up, has confirmed my choice for me. There really isn't one. My wife is spectacular, and my AP is proving to be far more insane than I ever imagined.

 

I am still very concerned with her threats, so I'm going to see her tomorrow and make sure she isn't serious. But it will be in a public space.

 

With your wife being fully onboard with this, right? If your plan is to reconcile, this needs to be fully vetted with her. No DL meeting(s) with the OW. That's never gonna fly. If your plan is to just cruise and try and make everyone happy you're just digging a deeper hole.

[pheonixrisen]

Thank you, I will look into that.

 

My life is living hell right now. Not only am I trying to repair a shattered home, but my AP is not handling NC well.

 

She sent me several texts today demanding to see me today or she would hurt herself. Even told me she would come by our home if I didn't. I told her I was extremely concerned about her threats, and finally relented to seeing her tomorrow. It has only been two days and already she is saying she cant live without me.

 

I have a feeling this is going to get a lot worse.

 

From your original post on this thread to this one ..your ow comes across as very matured and stable ...lets see..

 

-almost giddy with excitement ,

-not a care that you have children well being to take care of first

- the least of all a wife who is suffering traumatic pain and betrayal caused by you ...

- threatening to come by and see you (not a care in the world that you have a broken family right now...what she intends to do rub it on your wife's face)

-threatens to harm her self ...

-With no regards to your family well being ..but you hardly showed them any yourself...

 

Is that all .....does she have any sense of understanding ??..or are your family just casualty in your grand love affair...

You chose this kind of woman to destroy your family over ..Bravo ...

 

you are NOT in reconciliation..you have this ow in background ...so how many hoops your wife needs to jump ..when you give her a no remorse attitude at home coz you have this Ow to fall back on ...when your wife finds out that you were meeting her while she was suffering that's a new wave of betrayal and pain that's just not going to stop for long time to come..

 

its clear you don't want this marriage to work why wait ...its best to rip it apart now then later ...This is what you wanted right from your last thread to this... then do it now ...you already have caused immense pain to your family ..leave them alone to heal instead of bringing this roller coaster of the ow to your home..

 

and note- people who threaten to harm themselves ..are just attention seekers emotionally they never did grow up since they were 10 ..They just do enough harming to keep you around feeling guilty..They love themselves too much to really cause any serious harm to themselves ....

[pheonixrisen]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I think her behavior the past week or so, in contrast to how my wife is holding up, has confirmed my choice for me. There really isn't one. My wife is spectacular, and my AP is proving to be far more insane than I ever imagined.

 

I am still very concerned with her threats, so I'm going to see her tomorrow and make sure she isn't serious. But it will be in a public space.

 

if you choose to stay in your marriage then their cannot be a meeting with your ow even in a public place ...otherwise you are still lying still cheating ...your wife needs to be aware of all msgs from ow ...she should also agree and be a part of this meet up ...

 

If you don't want that to happen...then you need to formulate a NC letter with your wife and send ...she is not going to trust you for long time to come ...but this will be a start ..you decide to stay in marriage you are a team and deal with things together ..

Edited March 8, 2015 by pheonixrisen

[pheonixrisen]

The "giddy with excitement" comment/reaction is the first indication that you are really in trouble with this OW.

 

Now she is manipulating you into seeing her with threats that she will harm herself if you don't? Now you have a potential bunny boiler on your hands.

 

Do NOT see her after that threat, or you will just continue to get more of the same. If she is truly deranged enough that she would commit self-harm if you don't meet with her, then there's nothing you can ultimately do about it - meeting with her one time won't prevent it in the long run. It is likely just a manipulative tactic.

 

However she sounds unstable. You are in a big mess.

 

This(bolded)

 

And when she does come by now or in future she will Def tell your wife you are still in touch and met with her to imply more going on....