Fiance cheated while I was deployed

[RobbieA]

My fiance cheated while I was deployed overseas. I had no idea or inkling that there was anything wrong with our relationship at all. We have been together for 8 years. I am torn apart.

 

Three of her friends contacted me because they despise what she has doing. Part of me wants to not believe them but from what they have told me, everything adds up. We are supposed to get married in September, the venue is all picked out, invitations are out and I just received an honorable discharge after 12 years a week ago.

 

According to her friends, she has been having an affair with her boss for approximately one year. My heart is aching and my gut is wrenching. She does not know that I know. I have to find away to confront her. She apparently had an abortion a few months ago, while I was overseas. This information is coming from her friends. If this in fact is true, it was not mine. I am so sick to my stomach I don't know how to cope.

 

I have seen screen shots of Facebook messages provided by her friends and it seems pretty clear that she has betrayed me. I gave my heart to her. I can never love again.

[writergal]

My fiance cheated while I was deployed overseas. I had no idea or inkling that there was anything wrong with our relationship at all. We have been together for 8 years. I am torn apart.

 

Three of her friends contacted me because they despise what she has doing. Part of me wants to not believe them but from what they have told me, everything adds up. We are supposed to get married in September, the venue is all picked out, invitations are out and I just received an honorable discharge after 12 years a week ago.

 

According to her friends, she has been having an affair with her boss for approximately one year. My heart is aching and my gut is wrenching. She does not know that I know. I have to find away to confront her. She apparently had an abortion a few months ago, while I was overseas. This information is coming from her friends. If this in fact is true, it was not mine. I am so sick to my stomach I don't know how to cope.

 

I have seen screen shots of Facebook messages provided by her friends and it seems pretty clear that she has betrayed me. I gave my heart to her. I can never love again.

 

Sorry to hear that this has happened to you OP. I'm shocked that your fiance hasn't owned up to her affair, especially since her friends know about it, since it's gone on for an entire year and she's had an abortion that was a direct result of the affair.

 

The best way to confront your fiance is to be blunt. Tell her how you found out (from her friends) and then tell her what you want to do (cancel the wedding, or get married and get pre-marriage counseling).

 

Tell your fiance the names of the friends who told you. Show her the Facebook screen shots. Don't let her gaslight you either which she will do to try to distract you from discussing her affair. The more information/evidence you present her with, the less lies she has to hide behind. And don't for a second worry about outing her friends' by naming them, since they have already shared with you that they are disgusted by what you're fiance's been doing with her boss for a year while you were deployed abroad. So, those friends are your allies already and you have nothing to lose by naming them as your sources.

[Satu]

*I can never love again.

 

*Let this be the last time you say that.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't even talk to her.

 

She doesn't deserve that courtesy.

 

Just erase her from your life.

 

Any unfinished business can be resolved through a lawyer.

 

*******************************************************

 

1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Tell yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. That's 2 litres a day, for a male.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. Thats not easy, but it helps. Contact through a lawyer is ok.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to.

 

**************************************************

 

Good luck.

[No Limit]

Be prepared to hear lie after lie after lie from your fiancee who is wishing to keep you. Don't fall for any of it, and most importantly don't sleep with her - if she sets the pill off on purpose she'll have you in her clutches. Break the engagement off, and don't be afraid of telling people WHY you're breaking it off - and send each of those 3 friends some flowers for telling you.

[writergal]

Be prepared to hear lie after lie after lie from your fiancee who is wishing to keep you. Don't fall for any of it, and most importantly don't sleep with her - if she sets the pill off on purpose she'll have you in her clutches. Break the engagement off, and don't be afraid of telling people WHY you're breaking it off - and send each of those 3 friends some flowers for telling you.

 

Hell, take them out to lunch and celebrate! Those 3 friends of your fiance SAVED YOU from marrying a woman who doesn't respect you, period. Your fiance doesn't love or respect you; otherwise she wouldn't have had that affair with her boss.

 

But if you can forgive her and decide that you want to go with marriage counseling, be ready to hear your fiance lie to the therapist and lie to you, which she'll do to cover her tracks.

 

A woman who truly loves you would remain faithful to you no matter how long you've been separated from each other.

Edited May 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Satu]

Given the opportunity, she will say this:

 

"I needed xyz, but you weren't here, so I...."

 

"If you hadn't have been in the army, this would never have happened."

 

"I was so lonely."

 

No, thats not it.

 

She did it because she wanted to, and she thought she was clever enough not to get caught.

[sandylee1]

I am sorry for your hurt, but please don't consider marrying her. A year long affair and she got pregnant as a result. ...thats awful. Why start a marriage on such a terrible foundation.

 

Be thankful, as awful as it sounds thatyou found out before you married her and had kids. No way do you want to marry a cheater.

 

Sometimes reconciliation is worth considering, but you have no legal ties to her. The thoughtof exchanging vows with her would be a joke. Drop her like a hot potato after you confront her. You can contact all the guests on your side of the family to let them know the wedding is off. They don't need an explanation, but tell your immediate family. That should help not get back with her.

 

Cheating while you risk your life serving your country ..shes not worth it and please please, do not think every woman is a cheater like her.

 

BTW - please tell her bosses wife if he's married which is highly likely.

 

Quite simply - you say have something importantto tell you. My fiancée has been having an affair with your H. She deserves to know. She could be at risk of Std's from this. Send her a message, asking her to call you. Ask her to call you to confirm the message was received, otherwise there's a chance the man will intercept and she'll be none the wiser.

 

Keep posting for advice. A betrayal hurts, but YOU WILL get over it. A cheating fiancée is bad, but a cheating wife is worse.

[Satu]

I am sorry for your hurt, but please don't consider marrying her. A year long affair and she got pregnant as a result. ...thats awful. Why start a marriage on such a terrible foundation.

 

Be thankful, as awful as it sounds thatyou found out before you married her and had kids. No way do you want to marry a cheater.

 

Sometimes reconciliation is worth considering, but you have no legal ties to her. The thoughtof exchanging vows with her would be a joke. Drop her like a hot potato *after you confront her. You can contact all the guests on your side of the family to let them know the wedding is off. They don't need an explanation, but tell your immediate family. That should help not get back with her.

 

Cheating while you risk your life serving your country ..shes not worth it and please please, do not think every woman is a cheater like her.

 

BTW - please tell her bosses wife if he's married which is highly likely.

 

Quite simply - you say have something importantto tell you. My fiancée has been having an affair with your H. She deserves to know. She could be at risk of Std's from this. Send her a message, asking her to call you. Ask her to call you to confirm the message was received, otherwise there's a chance the man will intercept and she'll be none the wiser.

 

Keep posting for advice. A betrayal hurts, but YOU WILL get over it. A cheating fiancée is bad, but a cheating wife is worse.

 

*I agree with everything you say, but I wouldn't bother confronting her.

[writergal]

Perhaps the biggest lie that your fiance will tell you (in order to blame you for her cheating on you), "The military life is the reason why I cheated on you. You're gone for so long. What am I supposed to do?"

 

In the military, military men are required by law to keep secrets from their fiances, girlfriends or wives. They can't reveal what their true mission is, even if their location is public knowledge. That's justifiable. But, for a military spouse or fiance or girlfriend to keep her secret of infidelity...can't be justified. Faithfulness isn't too much to ask for the women who wait at home in the U.S. while their significant other is deployed.

 

Infidelity is not an inevitable thing in military culture, or in non-military life for that matter. Infidelity is a choice, made by a person who is too cowardly to communicate with their significant other that their relationship needs or expectations have changed.

 

So, don't let your fiance try to justify her cheating on the fact that you're in the military. That will be her first attempt at reasoning away her cheating behavior on you with her boss.

 

As for telling her boss' wife about his cheating on her, that is their business. Focus on your own. Let your fiance's boss deal with his own marriage fallout. You have enough to deal with already with your fiance. Don't add another person's problems to your own.

[RobbieA]

Everyone, thank you so much for the replies, words of encouragement, and advice.

 

I have five sisters, which gives me a good insight on what her reactions might be when I call her out. A few friends whom I have confided in have said to just drop off all of the evidence, cancel everything, and send one of my sisters to get the ring back.

 

I honestly do not want to face her. I am hurt, I am angry and after all of the blood sweat and tears (literally) I put into making this work she craps on it. I do not want to marry her. I feel betrayed.

 

Her friends suggest shaming her, meaning letting everyone know what she did, I am not the vindictive type, however when your heart hurts that bad sometimes we do things against our character.

 

She knew what she signed up for. I was already in the Marines when first met. She knew what the deal was. She cannot blame it on me being away. I gave her an out in the beginning.

[RobbieA]

Perhaps the biggest lie that your fiance will tell you (in order to blame you for her cheating on you), "The military life is the reason why I cheated on you. You're gone for so long. What am I supposed to do?"

 

In the military, military men are required by law to keep secrets from their fiances, girlfriends or wives. They can't reveal what their true mission is, even if their location is public knowledge. That's justifiable. But, for a military spouse or fiance or girlfriend to keep her secret of infidelity...can't be justified. Faithfulness isn't too much to ask for the women who wait at home in the U.S. while their significant other is deployed.

 

Infidelity is not an inevitable thing in military culture, or in non-military life for that matter. Infidelity is a choice, made by a person who is too cowardly to communicate with their significant other that their relationship needs or expectations have changed.

 

So, don't let your fiance try to justify her cheating on the fact that you're in the military. That will be her first attempt at reasoning away her cheating behavior on you with her boss.

 

As for telling her boss' wife about his cheating on her, that is their business. Focus on your own. Let your fiance's boss deal with his own marriage fallout. You have enough to deal with already with your fiance. Don't add another person's problems to your own.

 

You hit the nail on the head, there were many times where I absolutely could not tell her where I was, or what I was doing, but I made sure she knew I loved her. Long distance relationships are hard, but she stayed anyway. I have had many chances to cheat, but never did it cross my mind as I abide by the theme of loyalty.

[Satu]

Don't bother going face to face with her. She knows what she's done.

[RobbieA]

Don't bother going face to face with her. She knows what she's done.

 

I think you are right. I do not think she deserves to see me face to face. I am going to treat this as a business transaction, cold and impersonal.

 

She had no reservations when she destroyed our relationship, so I am not going to give her the option to cry or show emotion in front of me.

 

What do I do about all the mutual friends we have, the family members I am fond of, this is going to be a rough ride.

[CarrieT]

What do I do about all the mutual friends we have, the family members I am fond of, this is going to be a rough ride.

This is why many people advise to expose; those mutual friends who understand what happened will stand by you. Those who do not are not your friends.

 

Good luck and keep us apprised of how you are doing.

[writergal]

Everyone, thank you so much for the replies, words of encouragement, and advice.

 

I have five sisters, which gives me a good insight on what her reactions might be when I call her out. A few friends whom I have confided in have said to just drop off all of the evidence, cancel everything, and send one of my sisters to get the ring back.

 

I honestly do not want to face her. I am hurt, I am angry and after all of the blood sweat and tears (literally) I put into making this work she craps on it. I do not want to marry her. I feel betrayed.

 

Her friends suggest shaming her, meaning letting everyone know what she did, I am not the vindictive type, however when your heart hurts that bad sometimes we do things against our character.

 

She knew what she signed up for. I was already in the Marines when first met. She knew what the deal was. She cannot blame it on me being away. I gave her an out in the beginning.

 

I don't blame you for not wanting to face your fiance now. So then don't. Rally around your friends and family for support. Let THEM help YOU for a change.

 

Regarding the engagement ring. If I were you I'd get a lawyer involved to issue a legal letter to your fiance to return the ring. If you sent your sister, I'm pretty sure your fiance would cause a huge dramatic scene with your sister and not give the ring back. So, that's why I'd go the lawyer route. Give the lawyer the receipt for the engagement ring to show proof that you own it. Then, have the lawyer get it back for you.

 

Yes, your fiance knew exactly what lifestyle she signed on for when she met you and spent the last 8 years with you. Maybe she had the affair because she grew tired of that lifestyle. But instead of having an adult conversation with you to discuss her boredom or whatever her reason for cheating, she chose to go behind your back and sleep with her boss for a year who impregnated her. She's not marriage material for you at this point. That's obvious.

 

Let her friends shame her if they want to. Be the bigger person and ignore her.

 

Hire a lawyer to get the ring back, and notify all of your mutual friends via a mass email if you have to of what's transpired. The wedding is off. Ask your sisters to call the wedding venue and reception venue to get your money refunded. Have your sisters email everyone on the guest list that the wedding is canceled. If you set up a wedding website, which some couples do, put an announcement on your wedding website that the engagement is off, and the wedding for September has been canceled. You don't need to explain why the wedding is cancelled. People are smart. They'll figure it out.

 

You hit the nail on the head, there were many times where I absolutely could not tell her where I was, or what I was doing, but I made sure she knew I loved her. Long distance relationships are hard, but she stayed anyway. I have had many chances to cheat, but never did it cross my mind as I abide by the theme of loyalty.

 

Yes, long distant relationships are difficult. But you did your best and unfortunately, after 8 years it still wasn't good enough for your fiance because you know why? She wasn't the right woman for you after all. Better to find that out NOW before the wedding, than after. My cousin married a woman whom he knew was wrong for him, and later regret it. It took years and cost him his job and friendships and brought him public humiliation to get divorced from her. But you can save yourself from all of that fallout by calling off the wedding and getting the engagement ring back, and cutting your fiance out of your life forever.

 

You didn't cheat because you are a trustworthy person. You have a good heart. Give yourself credit where credit is due. Eventually, you will heal from this trauma and learn to love again (as the

song goes). There are no absolutes in life. Well, absolut Vodka but that's it. You are not cursed to be single if that's not what you want. She gave you 8 years of a relationship but that's come to an end now. Doesn't mean that your life is over. Just the relationship with her. That's all.

 

You will learn to love again. When you're ready. For now, just breathe and take it one day at a time.

[RobbieA]

Carrie, Writergal, thank you.

 

It is hard enough adjusting back to civilian life, I was looking forward to marriage, children, etc.

 

There is no way I can ever forgive her, ever, no matter what her gripe or excuse was. She was pregnant with another mans baby and cheated. She is ruined in my eyes. I could never trust her or sleep with her again.

 

I haven't eaten in two days. I don't deserve this. One of my best friends who is female, wants to stay the night w/me so I am not alone. I don't know if that is the right thing to do.

 

The lawyer thing I am going to look into.

[sandylee1]

 

As for telling her boss' wife about his cheating on her, that is their business. Focus on your own. Let your fiance's boss deal with his own marriage fallout. You have enough to deal with already with your fiance. Don't add another person's problems to your own.

 

OP, people were kind enough to tell you. It's only fair that any other betrayed spouse knows the truth. If your fiancée's friends took the attitude of it not being their problem, you'd be none the wiser. You'd have married this cheating woman. If you later found out the OBS (other betrayed spouse ) knew, how would you feel?

 

Quite simply - treat others the way you'd like to be treated. It doesn't have to take up lots of your time and it's the honourable thing to do.

[CarrieT]

One of my best friends who is female, wants to stay the night w/me so I am not alone. I don't know if that is the right thing to do.

Let her stay - but not in the same bed.

 

Keep her as a good friend (which is what you need right now) and don't mess it up with anything physical.

[writergal]

Carrie, Writergal, thank you.

 

It is hard enough adjusting back to civilian life, I was looking forward to marriage, children, etc.

 

There is no way I can ever forgive her, ever, no matter what her gripe or excuse was. She was pregnant with another mans baby and cheated. She is ruined in my eyes. I could never trust her or sleep with her again.

 

I haven't eaten in two days. I don't deserve this. One of my best friends who is female, wants to stay the night w/me so I am not alone. I don't know if that is the right thing to do.

 

The lawyer thing I am going to look into.

 

Noooo don't let your female friend stay the night. That's not the right choice to make right now for you. You're in an emotionally vulnerable state and it's likely that your female friend will put the moves on you (if she has a latent attraction to you that she is now free to act on) and you two would sleep together. What you need is platonic support in your life, not female friends with hidden agendas (if she indeed has one).

 

You're in a very fragile state of mind right now. The last thing you need to deal with is another woman to confuse you. Some people recommend rebounds as a way to recover but in your case, I wouldn't recommend it.

 

And there will be marriage and children in your future yet -- just not with your fiance who cheated on you. Don't lose hope on that dream. It can happen with the right woman. Your fiance wasn't the right woman, which she proved by her actions.

[writergal]

OP, people were kind enough to tell you. It's only fair that any other betrayed spouse knows the truth. If your fiancée's friends took the attitude of it not being their problem, you'd be none the wiser. You'd have married this cheating woman. If you later found out the OBS (other betrayed spouse ) knew, how would you feel?

 

Quite simply - treat others the way you'd like to be treated. It doesn't have to take up lots of your time and it's the honourable thing to do.

 

Think about the consequences sandylee1 of the OP telling his fiance's boss that he is going to tell the boss' wife. The boss will take out his anger on the OP, not on his wife.

 

That's horrible advice to suggest that the OP tell his fiance's boss' wife about her husband cheating.

 

OP don't do it. It will only bring you more trouble than you need right now. Eventually the truth will come out for your fiance's boss. Focus on your own healing. You aren't obligated to tell the boss' wife that he's cheating on her with your fiance. That will just create a huge mess that you don't need.

[RobbieA]

My female friend I have known since kindergarten. We have always been platonic, and I have no attraction to her.

 

Throughout my life, I have slept over when single and vice versa, nothing has happened, and the last thing I want right now is sex, or to complicate things with my friend.

 

I am on the fence about putting her on blast. I don't like my personal business out there but I don't want her to make me out to be the bad guy when in fact she cheated.

[sandylee1]

Regarding shaming her, you can inform her family, parents and siblings. Many cheaters are quick to flip things and put the blame for the break up all on you. It's great that you have 5 sisters to help you through this. I know my brother leaned on me when he got divorced.

 

When you feel down and your gut is wrenching, tell yourself that she's not worth your pain and thank heavens you dodged a bullet so she she never got to be Mrs. Robbie. She's not worthy of answering your name. Good riddance, to bad rubbish and don't waste your time confronting her. Really, what could she say. Lonely, missed you. ....bull, bull and more bull. You don't need to hear what she has to say. Shame on her.

 

Do thank her friends for revealing all. They probably couldn't bear to see her nonsense or to be at your wedding knowing the truth. I salute them.

[writergal]

My female friend I have known since kindergarten. We have always been platonic, and I have no attraction to her.

 

Throughout my life, I have slept over when single and vice versa, nothing has happened, and the last thing I want right now is sex, or to complicate things with my friend.

 

I am on the fence about putting her on blast. I don't like my personal business out there but I don't want her to make me out to be the bad guy when in fact she cheated.

 

Ok well if that's the case with your female friend, then you're right there's no problem.

 

It's not worth putting your fiance on blast. People closest to you, who are loyal friends, who love you won't need convincing. And your relationship is nobody's business but yours. If you did put her on blast, it will make you look worse than your fiance.

 

Sure, you're human and are hurt. But acting out against your fiance will come back to bite you. Just let her dig her own hole, socially-speaking. Don't do other people's work for them, which makes you look bad in the end.

 

• Hire a lawyer to get the ring back.
  
• Send out the announcement that the engagement is off. Hire a wedding planner to do it, if your sisters can't.
  
• Surround yourself with support. Call friends often. Be with people more than being alone. Being alone won't help you.
  
• Don't act rash. Don't let yourself be manipulated by your fiance, her family or anyone.
  
• Take it all one step at a time.
  

[sandylee1]

Think about the consequences sandylee1 of the OP telling his fiance's boss that he is going to tell the boss' wife. The boss will take out his anger on the OP, not on his wife.

 

That's horrible advice to suggest that the OP tell his fiance's boss' wife about her husband cheating.

 

OP don't do it. It will only bring you more trouble than you need right now. Eventually the truth will come out for your fiance's boss. Focus on your own healing. You aren't obligated to tell the boss' wife that he's cheating on her with your fiance. That will just create a huge mess that you don't need.

 

It's called consequences. You cheat and you face the music.

He doesn't need permission to tell the bosses wife. His fiancée didn't seek permission to have the affair, neither did the boss.

 

If the ex fiancée looses her job that's not the OPs problem. If the boss looses his job, tough. Lack of consequences cause cheaters to carry on hurting people.

 

I would hate to think I had a fantastic husband and he was a cheater, who got someone's fiancée pregnant. That's called living a lie. Like I said, Robbie would have married under false pretences if he wasn't told. It's just courtesy and honesty.

 

Please do not tell me it's horrible advice. Pretty much EVERY betrayed spouse would want to know. Why shouldn't she know?

 

If I was at risk of an STD because my H cheated, I'd want to know. I could be a pregnant BW and my unborn child could be in danger because of Std's.

[writergal]

It's called consequences. You cheat and you face the music.

He doesn't need permission to tell the bosses wife. His fiancée didn't seek permission to have the affair, neither did the boss.

 

If the ex fiancée looses her job that's not the OPs problem. If the boss looses his job, tough. Lack of consequences cause cheaters to carry on hurting people.

 

I would hate to think I had a fantastic husband and he was a cheater, who got someone's fiancée pregnant. That's called living a lie. Like I said, Robbie would have married under false pretences if he wasn't told. It's just courtesy and honesty.

 

Please do not tell me it's horrible advice. Pretty much EVERY betrayed spouse would want to know. Why shouldn't she know?

 

If I was at risk of an STD because my H cheated, I'd want to know. I could be a pregnant BW and my unborn child could be in danger because of Std's.

 

We will just have to disagree. Meddling in the boss' marriage because his fiance slept with the boss, will only come back to hurt the OP.

 

The boss' wife will find out about her husband's affair, but that information doesn't need to come from the OP.

 

Why do you insist that the OP take on 2 strangers' marriage problems on top of his own relationship problems? How will that help the OP sort his own problem out? It won't. It will just add more stress for him. Now he'll have the wife calling/texting him demanding details that he doesn't have. (Just a guess that's what would happen)

 

I have been cheated on too. But, I didn't take it upon myself to tell the boyfriend of the other woman that he was being cheated on. Why would I? That was between them. I just focused on my own healing and my ex-bf. My job isn't to solve other people's relationship issues. Only my own.

 

So, I guess your preference is that you would tell the spouse of the cheater? Have you done that? If you haven't done that, then why advise it?

 

The OP will have to decide for himself what he's comfortable doing. Hopefully our different views will help him decide what's the best route for him to take.