There are responsibilities for a BS in reconciliation.

[understand50]

I have been thinking, that while one can never forget what was done, and should not, the affair, the cheating, and the lying, that once you have made the decision to reconcile, you then must, take divorce, and other negative positions off the table if reconciliation is to really work. The BS has work to do as well as the WS. Not only must the cheating be addressed, but any other problems in the marriage must be worked on as well.

 

We all know what the WS must and has to do for a "good" reconciliation, but, and this maybe harder, there are things a BS must do as well. Remember, as a BS, you have decided that life is better, even living with the betrayal, with your spouse.

 

What must a BS do to make the reconciliation work? My thoughts.

 

1) Forgive, and not hold over the WS their action, unless by their present actions, their past must be readdressed. IE, I do not bring up my wife past ONS, and over spending, unless it is germane to the conversation or situation.

 

2) Really decide if you are going to reconcile and give it 100%. Once your "gift" is given you should be prepared for all the hard work that it implies.

 

3) Accept when and if the WS is working and changing, and while verifying, give them benefit of the doubt when warranted.

 

4) Approach the marriage as equals on issues and problems that are not from the affair. In other words, at some point, future problems must be dealt with and the high ground will need to be abandoned.

 

 

This is assuming, and this can be a big assumption, that the WS is a former WS, and is doing everything that is asked for and accepted to reconcile. In other words, a false reconciliation is not happening. Example: Mrs. JA, and there are others, VBM wife, Anne was doing everything she could to walk the straight and narrow.

 

For those that advise divorce, and only divorce, I would ask that you widen your position, and give some thought to what you may think is necessary for a BS to have a good reconciliation.

 

My two cents, and lets hope for a good conversation...........

[katielee]

 

 

2) Really decide if you are going to reconcile and give it 100%. Once your "gift" is given you should be prepared for all the hard work that it implies.

 

 

My only concern here is that it can take a while for the BS to decide if they actually WANT to reconcile. Don't stop working on yourself in the meantime, but the BS needs to be in a position of watching actions for a while, and needs to be in a calm place to decide if they actually want to continue to marriage. Many of us are stuck in the "I guess this is better than the alternative" marriage. I see MANY people at this place. People have a right to stay married for whatever reason they want. Happiness though, that can probably only be attained by using the steps you have described here Understand.

Expect bumps in the road too. The days when I want to run away and live on a beach are further between now.

I like the caveat of what you included on the WS doing everything they can. I see so many WS make limp attempts to make amends. This is very sad and I can fully understand how that puts the BS in limbo.

[66Charger]

I "ahem" understand the premise of your post, however I disagree that those who see divorce as the only option should widen their position. For some, infidelity, especially a EA + PA, is a absolute deal killer. These types should never reconcile. They spend years on forums like this, constantly questioning. And they should. Just read the MOW forum. the AP is present, sometimes for years and the MM is the biggest of all liars. 90% try again.

 

The only thing that Appears to work, is divorce papers, or realizing that your BS is definately considering divorcing/leaving you.

 

In reading the thoughts of MOST, (NOT ALL), waywards, I will guarantee that if the Betrayed, could read the mind of the Wayward, 75% would be converted to divorce only, immediately.

Edited April 5, 2016 by 66Charger

[wmacbride]

What you say make a lot of sense.

 

I think that some people see a bs , especially on here, stating that the ws is responsible for the A as meaning they see the ws as also being 100% responsible for the state of the marriage.

 

These are two very different things.

 

Also, there is the assumption that bs who come on here, even years after the A, and express that they still feel anger about the A, or sadness, or some other feeling are taking that out on their former ws. I'm not doubting that happens, but much of the time, they don not take this out on their spouse. It's more like providinga way to process an experience Taht can affect a person for a very long time.

 

 

I can't really share any thoughts about the immediate aftermath of my husband's A, as he had to go away quite soon after the proverbial excrement had hot the oscillating air conduction device:laugh:. we had to put it all on hold for many months until he got back.

 

Our situation was somewhat different, as his A was not based on factor sin our marriage, but in his own mental state ( he was coping with severe combat PTSD). What I can say from experiences I have heard of where a M wasn't good before the A is that a triage approach works best. Treat the A as the immediate crisis, and then once the pain and fallout from that has been addressed, then the underlying issues can be dealt with.

 

Many people who have experienced being a bs have found they go through a grieving process, which is typical when someone undergoes an extreme loss. It can take time to process through all of that, but allowing them to do so before reconciliation shifts into a ws explaining why they did what they did can make a big difference. This doesn't mean that what the ws has to say is not important, more that there is a time for that a bit further down the road.

 

To use the triage analogy, if a patient with hardening of the arteries shows up at the hospital with a heart attack, you treat the heart attack first, then address the underlying hardening of the arteries once the patient is more stable.

 

My husband had an A many years ago, and we are still together and happy. There are times when something can happen that brings the hurt back and make sit feel quite raw, but we have both foudn that talking to each other about it has been helpful. Though it may sound strange,we have even come to a place where we laugh at parts of it.

[wmacbride]

I "ahem" understand the premise of your post, however I disagree that those who see divorce as the only option should widen their position. For some, infidelity, especially a EA + PA, is a absolute deal killer. These types should never reconcile. They spend years on forums like this, constantly questioning. And they should. Just read the MOW forum. the AP is present, sometimes for years and the MM is the biggest of all liars. 90% try again.

 

The only thing that Appears to work, is divorce papers, or realizing that your BS is definately considering divorcing/leaving you.

 

In reading the thoughts of MOST, (NOT ALL), waywards, I will guarantee that if the Betrayed, could read the mind of the Wayward, 75% would be converted to divorce only, immediately.

 

Again, I can only speak for myself, but in the aftermath of my husband's A, knowing that divorce was an option for me was actually helpful to both of us.

 

I told him that I had looked into it, but had chosen to try and reconcile instead. I didn't say that as a threat but explained to him that it meant I was saying because I wanted to, not because I felt like I had to or had no other options.

 

He told me that meant a lot to him.

[Furious]

I have been thinking, that while one can never forget what was done, and should not, the affair, the cheating, and the lying, that once you have made the decision to reconcile, you then must, take divorce, and other negative positions off the table if reconciliation is to really work. The BS has work to do as well as the WS. Not only must the cheating be addressed, but any other problems in the marriage must be worked on as well.

 

We all know what the WS must and has to do for a "good" reconciliation, but, and this maybe harder, there are things a BS must do as well. Remember, as a BS, you have decided that life is better, even living with the betrayal, with your spouse.

 

What must a BS do to make the reconciliation work? My thoughts.

 

1) Forgive, and not hold over the WS their action, unless by their present actions, their past must be readdressed. IE, I do not bring up my wife past ONS, and over spending, unless it is germane to the conversation or situation.

 

2) Really decide if you are going to reconcile and give it 100%. Once your "gift" is given you should be prepared for all the hard work that it implies.

 

3) Accept when and if the WS is working and changing, and while verifying, give them benefit of the doubt when warranted.

 

4) Approach the marriage as equals on issues and problems that are not from the affair. In other words, at some point, future problems must be dealt with and the high ground will need to be abandoned.

 

 

This is assuming, and this can be a big assumption, that the WS is a former WS, and is doing everything that is asked for and accepted to reconcile. In other words, a false reconciliation is not happening. Example: Mrs. JA, and there are others, VBM wife, Anne was doing everything she could to walk the straight and narrow.

 

For those that advise divorce, and only divorce, I would ask that you widen your position, and give some thought to what you may think is necessary for a BS to have a good reconciliation.

 

My two cents, and lets hope for a good conversation...........

 

 

 

I think the best thing for a betrayed spouse is to file for divorce and get their ducks in a row soon after a d-day. Also for the betrayed spouse to get individual counselling and lean on their close family and close friends for emotional support.

 

I'm of the opinion that one must be prepared to end a marriage and that it speaks volumes in self esteem. The irony is WS's do not respect a grovelling betrayed spouse and cheap forgiveness. If there's a marriage to save it's a marriage that demands respect.

 

True reconciliation is a two way street and that both are sincere and honest in their effort to rebuild it.

 

Too often, many rush for reconciliation and sweep things under the rug. Too often, the fear of divorce does not make for a better reconciliation, if anything it may make reconciliation harder.

 

Imagine telling the above to a newly betrayed spouse only days or weeks from d-day the above, I don't believe it would helpful advice until some time has passed and if reconciliation is viable.

 

I wonder if rushing too quickly into reconciliation is more harmful than rushing to divorce. Often betrayed spouses are pressured to reconcile and the cuba quenches are sometimes worse than a clean break.

[katielee]

 

 

Imagine telling the above to a newly betrayed spouse only days or weeks from d-day the above, I don't believe it would helpful advice until some time has passed and if reconciliation is viable.

 

 

yes, this was my point as well. there is so much that needs to take place if reconciliation is to be successful.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I have been thinking, that while one can never forget what was done, and should not, the affair, the cheating, and the lying, that once you have made the decision to reconcile, you then must, take divorce, and other negative positions off the table if reconciliation is to really work. The BS has work to do as well as the WS. Not only must the cheating be addressed, but any other problems in the marriage must be worked on as well.

 

Good post and I agree with all of it except the bolded. For me, divorce was on the table for 3 years. Yes, at sometime when the couple is further down the road divorce should be removed as possible action. A viable marriage can't grow if one foot is constantly out the door. Maybe that is what you meant. The WS needs a fear of loss. On the flip side, the BS needs the freedom to walk away if conditions are not satisfactory.

 

Forgiveness requires to wipe the slate clean. It's hard! The A still comes up time to time but I can't constantly use it as leverage. In short, both parties need to fight fair.

 

With all of that said if something inappropriate comes to light, then there will be no third chance. I have my deal-breakers moving forward. By being on the cusp of divorce so long it no longer scares me. I know that I can divorce and I'll be just fine. I'm still with my WS because I want her, not because I need her. Big difference.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Basically, I agree with you. BUT, I don't agree that the earlier stages of reconciliation are the time to address all the issues of the marriage.

 

That is the time for the one who was unfaithful to do what they can to rebuild trust.

 

Even though problems in the marriage may have contributed to a decision to stray, I don't think they can be tackled until / unless there is that rebuilding of trust.

[katielee]

With all of that said if something inappropriate comes to light, then there will be no third chance. .

 

with that in mind, I think divorce may always be "on the table" for the BS. I know it is for both hubby and I. I mean, considering what has happened, I might not have one foot out the door but have all the paperwork in order and a divorce attorney in mind. It's an option (and always will be) if things go south.

[sandylee1]

I don't think it should be taken for granted that reconciliation is on the table if you are unfaithful. You should expect your spouse to divorce, but take the gift if it's given. To not expect divorce shows a sense of entitlement IMHO.

 

If as a BS one decides to try and work it out.. then forgiveness or acceptance of the A is required. It's really hard to know what R looks like before you get into it though.

 

At a point.. you need to stop throwing in your WSs face, but you should still be able to bring it up if you have a question.... or share if you're having a trigger. Depending on the nature of the infidelity... it needs to be accepted by the WS that it could take a lot longer for the BS to get to this point.

[Marc878]

I "ahem" understand the premise of your post, however I disagree that those who see divorce as the only option should widen their position. For some, infidelity, especially a EA + PA, is a absolute deal killer. These types should never reconcile. They spend years on forums like this, constantly questioning. And they should. Just read the MOW forum. the AP is present, sometimes for years and the MM is the biggest of all liars. 90% try again.

 

The only thing that Appears to work, is divorce papers, or realizing that your BS is definately considering divorcing/leaving you.

 

In reading the thoughts of MOST, (NOT ALL), waywards, I will guarantee that if the Betrayed, could read the mind of the Wayward, 75% would be converted to divorce only, immediately.

 

Yep, most have buyers remourse longterm.

 

The thing is the marriage can never compare to the hot, exciting time of the affair (even though it could never last) the memories do. I don't think that ever leaves the WS and on the other hand the BS while being able to forgive can never forget the devastating affect of being kicked in the gut and all that went on.

[katielee]

The thing is the marriage can never compare to the hot, exciting time of the affair (even though it could never last) the memories do. .

 

I will have to disagree with this. As a WW, I find my memories of the affair disgusting. the sex, disgusting and cruel. It is not even in the same hemisphere as my marriage, which is the most meaningful thing in my life. The being best friends, raising children together, growing through hard times, coming back to each other and then making love - there is nothing like it. If this is my little piece of heaven that I get from almost throwing my marriage away, then ok.

[katielee]

90% try again.

 

 

where did you find this statistic?

[Mr. Lucky]

In reading the thoughts of MOST, (NOT ALL), waywards, I will guarantee that if the Betrayed, could read the mind of the Wayward, 75% would be converted to divorce only, immediately.

 

And if the WS could read the mind of the BS, 76% would get a restraining order and file for protective custody ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ladydesigner]

with that in mind, I think divorce may always be "on the table" for the BS. I know it is for both hubby and I. I mean, considering what has happened, I might not have one foot out the door but have all the paperwork in order and a divorce attorney in mind. It's an option (and always will be) if things go south.

 

I agree with this and it is true for me since I am on the edge of limbo/R. I still have yet to see bigger strides from my WH. Currently the kids & finances & our history keeps me firmly planted. I'm not saying I don't love my WH, but it is definitely not the love that a married couple shares, something is still missing and I've never gotten it from him. I make my decision on a daily basis whether to stay or leave.

[66Charger]

90% try again

 

where did you find this statistic?

 

From a forum, called Loveshack

[katielee]

ok.

I am a person who didn't start up again. Could I have a spot in your "data?"

[understand50]

So......

 

I may add that my first idea about, "taking divorce off the table" is tenable, only after the BS has really decided to reconcile and the WS, is doing all that is needed to reconcile and stop any cheating behavor. How much time this takes, is a personal thing. I would never suggest, right after D-Day, you renounce divorce. Once, each of you are committed, I would tell the WS, that if we go are separate ways, it will be for what happens in the future. Now that means that divorce is still an option, reconciliation may not work. You may just get tired of each other, or ether may have an affair in the future, but I think that the idea of holding over a WS, indefinitely, the treat of divorce, will not lead to a good reconciliation.

 

So again, my question, what are the things a BS should do to make a good reconciliation possible, assuming that the WS is doing all they can to reconcile, and you have committed to reconciliation as well?

 

We only have one 1/2 of the equation, what a WS needs to do, beside not doing the "deed(s)" in the first place.

 

My two cents, and thanks for the good discussion........

[heartwhole]

What should a BS do in reconciliation?

 

I would say, all the things a spouse should do in a healthy marriage. Respect it, tend to it, protect it, give to it. Have self esteem, work to make yourself happy, address your partner's needs and concerns.

 

It's very difficult to be vulnerable and positive in the wake of infidelity, but if you have a truly remorseful and committed spouse and you are choosing to reconcile, then you should do your best to tear down those walls . . . the end goal is to get back to a place where it's you two against the world.

 

All over the web are stories of betrayed spouses saying it's their anniversary but they will never celebrate it again, they will never wear their rings again, they will always hate their spouse. Others seem to relish punishing the bad spouse and remaining stuck in a place of anger and resentment. Of course, not that you can snap your fingers and be past the anger and resentment; it must be worked through honestly.

 

I can't say I'm any kind of expert at this one year in. All I can say is that it's harder than I thought it would be, but I'm proud of where we are today. I choose to focus on being the kind of person and spouse I want to be. If I couldn't be those things in this marriage, then I would not choose reconciliation.

[66Charger]

ok.

I am a person who didn't start up again. Could I have a spot in your "data?"

 

I was actually referring to MMs. Would you now consider that figure "close to accurate"?

 

Once a woman loses the emotional component of the A, its usually over.

 

Sorry about the threadjack, Understand. I shall bow out.

 

Carry on.

Edited April 6, 2016 by 66Charger

[Red123]

I was actually referring to MMs. Would you now consider that figure "close to accurate"?

 

Once a woman loses the emotional component of the A, its usually over.

 

Sorry about the threadjack, Understand. I shall bow out.

 

Carry on.

 

Almost 3 years after the A started, my H has never started again. And yes I do know.

[dichotomy]

I wish I could say that the issue with my WW was just a simple EA. It was a mess - she was a mess for a long time in area that went well beyond the EA itself.

 

Remorse, work, reconciliation has been among the longest I have seen here (maybe Mr. and Mrs. JohnAdams have it close on long term reconciliation).

 

Forgiveness is hard, but I might say I understand... and perhaps I am approaching some level of acceptance.

 

But what can I say? 11 years later and we are still married. Divorce is always an option for either of us. It would not be "because she had an EA" but all the other related and not related issues around what i have come to understand and try to accept about her.

 

I am rambling - not sure my point - life is complicated.

[merrmeade]

Now, I just finished writing a post on my own thread, defending a WS who gave advice to a BS in reconciliation.

 

But saying you should take responsibility for your own happiness is different from making a list of "shoulds." It only feels okay to me if the personal has asked fori. Otherwise, it's like lecturing people born into tragic circumstances that have held them back from succeeding what they "should" be doing to get ahead in life. It's somehow not motivating when it comes unsolicited. But you see people in such circumstances pull themselves up and THEN ask for advice and help.

[katielee]

I was actually referring to MMs. Would you now consider that figure "close to accurate"?

 

 

 

Carry on.

 

considering the spot I'm in, it concerns me actually.