Cell phone question [updated]

[yepsurething]

Ive been married for about 18 years. Porn has always been an issue in our marriage, and I know there are differing opinions, but regardless this has been an issue for me/us.

 

My husband acts very suspiciously with his phone and I always just assume its because he is hiding porn.

 

he won't EVER leave his phone even when using the bathroom or sleeping. He keeps it plugged right by his head.

 

He never leaves his phone upward, it's always locked, and up until about 2 months ago I didn't have password, but regardless he will never leave his phone anyway.

 

when I enter the room he will suddenly swipe his screen, or put it face down quickly. Ive talked to him about it, and he was pretty defensive and accused me of being insecure. I agreed and said i would feel better if he would loosen up about his phone and let me look at it, like he can mine.

 

so he says, 'do I ever get texts from women? sure I do for work.' well, I never even asked about that, and so I him if I can please see his phone and he says, how about I let you see all the emails I get on my computer, there are more there." I said I'd rather see the phone, thats the point, and he said NO.

 

recently he 'emailed' me to tell me he was leaving because he is feeling abused because I don't trust him and get mad cause after 18 years I figure he should just let me see his phone. What could be the big deal. I wash his underwear, pop his zits, birth his kids, but i can't see the damn phone.

 

I know I read time and again from both sides, the people who say give privacy and get over it, and those who say marriage partners should be able to look at each others phones. I'm in the second group.

 

I have told him that I already know he's looking at porn, so I say if thats what your hiding I don't care, I would just like to see the phone. still no go.

 

Oh, he is doing some 'typical' having an affair stuff, exercising, diet changes, new clothes, saying he want's to leave. No affection what so ever.

 

He says he is not having an affair. I did ask.

 

I feel my phone is like my purse or wallet. Not private in my family. My kids can use my phone just like they can dig through my purse and so can my husband. I think there should be nothing you can't share with a spouse.

 

so, do any of you feel ok when a partner says flatly NO you can't see my phone.

 

what are other couples doing about phone privacy?

[understand50]

so, do any of you feel ok when a partner says flatly NO you can't see my phone.

 

what are other couples doing about phone privacy?

 

Married 40 plus year, and both our phones and email are open to each other. I do not see why a couple would not have it so. I do make exceptions for work email, but if she asked I would let her look, but not have the account password.

 

The why your husband is acting he is hiding something, and you should look into to it.

 

Good luck.

[ChocolateRain]

Very suspicious behavior and i agree he is definitely hiding something . This is not normal and big red flag right there and i think it has absolutely nothing to do with Porn ...

i do believe that we all have a right to privacy even in a marriage but i also believe once you enter a marriage and make this commitment then together means no secrets and nothing to hide ... you have a right to know whats going on

[jenkins95]

Hi Yepsurething. Big (((hug))) for you. This is tough and I can see that you are very anxious and worried about this - which is totally understandable.

 

I agree that phones, etc should be open to spouses. I am afraid to say that I see a lot of red flags. I actually see myself (as I was) in your H. I had an affair and I behaved exactly like this.

 

I'm not saying for one minute that I think he is definitely having an affair, but that it is a possibility. Perhaps it is something else - perhaps it is porn. You say it has always been an issue,and even though you told him you didn't mind if there as porn on his phone, I'm sure he still would have been very embarrassed for you to have actually seen it. Perhaps it's something totally different that he doesn't want to worry you with - perhaps there are texts amongst his colleagues that allude to possible job cuts at his work, for example? But yes - possibly there is some kind of affair going on.

 

Do the red flags include working late, staying some away nights, disappearance for long periods of time to the bathroom or other private room? These flags would be even more red than those that what you have mentioned.

 

Has he always been secretive in nature, or is this a new development? If it is a new development, this is an even bigger red flag. Some people are just naturally a little bit closed, even with their spouses. Not a particularly nice trait, but good here if it lowers the possibility that he is having an affair.

 

Whatever he has to hide (and maybe it's nothing), he knows it is making you unhappy, but he still refuses. He is not respecting you and this is not a very nice way to behave in a marriage. Hopefully it's something you can chat about respectfully between the two of you and move past? The lack of affection can really hurt a marriage - I really hope you can get this back.

 

The trouble is I don't think your mind will be at rest until you get some answers, so I think you may well have to do some detective work to see if his movements are suspicions. There is lots of advice on here as to how you can do that - some even go as far as hiring a PI. While you are investigating, it's probably best to act normal and stop asking about the phone, etc. If there is something to discover, then you don't want him to delete everything and cover his tracks before you have had a chance to investigate.

 

Good luck and keep posting Yepsurething. we are here for you. Let us know of developments please.

 

By the way, in my own case, my W and I are now doing OK after my affair and all phones, etc are totally open. Obviously I really hope that there is a simpler resolution for you and that you don't have to go what we are going through to get to that stage.

Edited May 13, 2016 by jenkins95

[CarrieT]

Look closely at the monthly phone bill. It will tell you numbers that he is calling and texting.

 

That is a good place to start.

[ChocolateRain]

i think if it was '' JUST PORN '' he can use the delete Button and no one will know

But from what OP describes , he guards his phone like Fort Knox ...

he is hiding something big time ...

[TaraMaiden2]

Check out an app called 'auto forward spy'. It's quite expensive, but it will give you total access to everything that goes on, on his phone. (I believe you're looking at around $70.00....)

[Michelle ma Belle]

Where there is smoke there is fire. Suspicious indeed.

[SJS]

In addition to what everyone said, the fact that he's willing to walk over you asking to see his phone is to me, a huge diversion on his part. Something is definitely up.

[yepsurething]

My husband tries to act very logically about things and says that if you love someone you trust them and that means not looking at their phone.

 

I tell him I'm sorry for being untrusting and I love him and want to believe him but if there's nothing to hide why not just let me look to ease my mind, even if I am just being crazy.

 

I can't look up his phone bill because its his work phone and bill doesn't come to our house.

 

he doesn't work late often, but he often doesn't answer his work phone and will have to call me back. he does go to the bathroom for long periods ...with his phone.

 

he's always been secretive with his laptop and now phone. and even more secretive after I found he was looking at porn.

 

and the porn was an issue, mostly because he said he would stop looking altogether, but that wasn't true. I've told him that I don't like porn, but him hiding it is worse to me than him just being honest about viewing it. lying over porn makes me wonder what else he lies about. and then the worries start bubbling.

 

thanks for all of the replies. I appreciate it.

[TaraMaiden2]

My husband tries to act very logically about things and says that if you love someone you trust them and that means not looking at their phone.

 

I tell him I'm sorry for being untrusting and I love him and want to believe him but if there's nothing to hide why not just let me look to ease my mind, even if I am just being crazy.

 

I can't look up his phone bill because its his work phone and bill doesn't come to our house.

 

he doesn't work late often, but he often doesn't answer his work phone and will have to call me back. he does go to the bathroom for long periods ...with his phone.

 

he's always been secretive with his laptop and now phone. and even more secretive after I found he was looking at porn.

 

and the porn was an issue, mostly because he said he would stop looking altogether, but that wasn't true. I've told him that I don't like porn, but him hiding it is worse to me than him just being honest about viewing it. lying over porn makes me wonder what else he lies about. and then the worries start bubbling.

 

thanks for all of the replies. I appreciate it.

If you can afford it, check that app. out......

[gemini6]

Sounds like he's playing the flirty flirt, sexting game with a woman or two - probably a co-worker. Don't think for a second that an EA - Emotional Affair - is harmless, it's not - in fact it can burn your marriage to ashes! So the "we're just friends" bull shyte can cause a divorce. Ask yourself : would he say or act that way with her if I was standing there? If the answer is no..that's not "just friends" - and that is emotionally cheating, and it also can and many times does lead to a full blown PA - physical affair - sounds like he may already be there Sorry, but I can look at my H's phone anytime I like and he can look at mine - nothing to hide there!

[rester]

 

...recently he 'emailed' me to tell me he was leaving ...

 

...Oh, he is doing some 'typical' having an affair stuff, exercising, diet changes, new clothes, saying he want's to leave....

 

Affair or not, if he says he's leaving, I would focus on that issue, rather than the phone.

[TaraMaiden2]

Affair or not, if he says he's leaving, I would focus on that issue, rather than the phone.

 

I'd ask him to put his money where his mouth is, and go.

 

If he asks if you really want him to do it, tell him that if he keeps threatening to leave you, and demonstrates himself clearly guilty and untrustworthy, what is there to stay for? He's the one who keeps saying he's gonna leave - so leave, already!!

[yepsurething]

I'd ask him to put his money where his mouth is, and go.

 

If he asks if you really want him to do it, tell him that if he keeps threatening to leave you, and demonstrates himself clearly guilty and untrustworthy, what is there to stay for? He's the one who keeps saying he's gonna leave - so leave, already!!

 

I have children and a farm. I'm a stay at home mother/wife. If he leaves we'll go poor and my farm animals will starve. I've stayed home our entire marriage. I work a home business but it doesn't make enough to pay the bills.

[TaraMaiden2]

If he works, and the farm is half his, he still has to maintain it and pay maintenance for the children.

 

Start with small steps. Get his phone looked at remotely... Then, at least you will have concrete evidence to lay before him.

 

I know it's scary, the prospect of blowing all this up. But really, are you happy to continue as you are?

There has to be some rocking of the boat, and uneasy times ahead, if you are to get what you need.

Which ultimately, is self-respect and peace of mind.

 

In whatever forms they come.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know it's scary, the prospect of blowing all this up. But really, are you happy to continue as you are?

There has to be some rocking of the boat, and uneasy times ahead, if you are to get what you need.

Which ultimately, is self-respect and peace of mind.

 

In whatever forms they come.

 

Agree with this 100% - one way or the other, the truth will set you free.

 

My husband tries to act very logically about things and says that if you love someone you trust them and that means not looking at their phone.

 

Actually he's wrong. If you love someone, you trust them enough to be open with them, no secrets. What he's doing is being untrustworthy...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Methodical]

Ugh! This situation really sucks. There's something on his phone he want to keep but doesn't want you to see. Otherwise, he'd wipe it clean and show you. I agree, where there's smoke, there's fire. Gut instincts are rarely wrong unless a person is unusually paranoid, which doesn't seem to be the case here. It won't be easy, but I'd try to find a way to make it without him and the next time he said he wants to leave, I send him packing. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

 

What would you do if you discovered he was cheating?

[VeveCakes]

Time for you to get a job and start making plans to be on your own.

[yepsurething]

thanks again for the replies. I guess Im a little disheartened to hear everyone say automatically that he's hiding something. But I guess it might just seem obvious.

 

He's never seemed like he would cheat on me, I thought porn was the extent of it.

 

and I really don't want my marriage to end. We've had some tough times lately because we are dealing with some outside issues with one of our kids, but I just thought we would forge forward and get through the hard times.

 

I do have a job, I work from home, I've been in business for 15 years, but we are a 2 income family. we own a farm with animals that depend on us.

 

and I have no credit, which he recently talked to me about improving, I guess because maybe he's sick of caring for me and our kids.

 

I hate to be sneaky, and not sure I can manage to get a tracker program on his phone like someone suggested, or if its just highly unethical to sneak his phone when he's sleeping and try to look at it. =(

[TaraMaiden2]

You don't get a tracker program on HIS phone - you get it on yours. And it can remotely access his.

That's the beauty of it.

[yepsurething]

You don't get a tracker program on HIS phone - you get it on yours. And it can remotely access his.

That's the beauty of it.

 

I looked into that tracker you mentioned and you need access to the other persons phone.

 

and it seems he's not using our home router, he's using his data plan only so no tracing him that way either.

[ChickiePops]

I looked into that tracker you mentioned and you need access to the other persons phone.

 

and it seems he's not using our home router, he's using his data plan only so no tracing him that way either.

 

I'm sorry you're disheartened but isn't this what you were looking for? Outside opinions?

[JulieEverette]

Omg just sneak his phone when he is sleeping. Or take it and go lock yourself in the bathroom.

 

He may have changed the password though.

 

He is definitely hiding something. Or just a colossal ass who gets off on tormenting you and excerting power

[whichwayisup]

It is possible he's not physically cheating on you but he is up to no good with the texts, sexting with women which would make sense as it lines up with the porn issue he has to begin with.

 

If you do feel there is someone else, instead of asking to see his phone (he won't give that baby up to you no matter how many times you ask) hire a PI and go from there.