Do many affair partners encourage the married person to stay married?

[GuessWho36]

I've recently been involved in an affair... Both me and the young lady agreed it's wrong and that we feel better when we do the right thing so we agreed to end it soon. I discussed the unhappy state of my marriage with her & she then asked why stay somewhere I didn't want to be and then she encouraged me to stick it out since I'd been married for so long and my wife is a nice lady.

 

Do most affair partners encourage the other to work on their marriage? She said she didn't want to take anyone's husband or ruin someone's marriage.

 

She's more than just an affair partner to me, but a friend.

[Mayday2016]

I actually encouraged him. Why? Because I knew as long as he was miserable with her I had a place in his life. Well, **** got complicated and he booted me. It was all for the best. My intentions were selfish anyway. I didn't want him to stay with her because I was a good person, I just knew his crap marriage made him need the affair, need me. He's done with the affair and stayed with her; I highly suspect he has another affair but again, it doesn't matter. Nothing really matters about what was or wasn't, he's a ****ty guy and when I was with him I was selfish and a terrible person, too. We had the extra complication of the pregnancy and that was the nail in the coffin for us, he realized a baby would never allow him to keep the affair underground so he dumped me, came clean to his wife, and is in reconciliation with her and NC with me. Which is all for the best for all parties.

[SammySammy]

I did.

 

My affair partner was ready to divorce her husband and be with me knowing that I had no desire to be married. She just wanted to be with me.

 

I encouraged her to stay for two reasons:

 

1) I didn't want to break up her marriage. Disrupt her husband and kid's lives. Didn't want to be the cause of that pain.

 

2) I knew that I couldn't have a real relationship with her because I couldn't respect or trust her. I had seen what she was willing to do behind her husband's back. Plus, she had tricked me into starting the affair. Told me she wasn't married when she was.

 

I knew that I would never fully trust a woman like that. So, it was best to just end the affair and encourage her to stay with her husband.

[ShatteredLady]

Hahaha!

 

"Both me and the young lady agreed it's wrong and that we feel better when we do the right thing so we agreed to end it soon."

 

I'm so glad that you have such moral integrity. Yep! Be good people, "do the right thing" and "end it SOON!".

 

When's "soon"? How long can you commit adultery & rip the heart out of someone that you've vowed to love & cherish forever, forsaking all others & still be doing the right thing? 3 months, 6 months, a year??

 

It's great that you both realize that YOU feel better knowing that EVENTUALLY you intend to stop betraying your wife.

 

As they always say, "It's the thought that counts!". I'm sure that your wife will be so pleased to know that you both intended to do the right thing for YOU (after you'd had fun!)

[Moxie Lady]

She said she didn't want to take anyone's husband or ruin someone's marriage.

 

Yet that's what she did.

 

This line of thinking baffles me. If you dont want to ruin someones marriage then you stay out of that marriage. If you don't want to take anyones husband then you dont sleep with anyone's husband.

[oldshirt]

Back in my mid-upper 20s I was a serial single OM.

 

 

I always encouraged my MW to cover their tracks well and stay in the marriage.

 

 

There was no advantage for me for them to leave the marriage and it could only be a detriment to me if they did.

 

 

If they were happy with their home life, then all they wanted from me was fun, sex and excitement.

 

 

If their lives were disrupted then they would want more from me or they would be distracted with their other issues and they wouldn't be bored and horny.

 

 

I've said this in other threads but affairs need marriages and affairs need supportive BS's to survive.

 

 

If all the AP wants is just sex and easy tail (which is the case with 95% of OM) then it is in his best interests that the WW remain in the marriage and remain well supported emotionally and with lifestyle in that marriage.

 

 

If she needs further emotional connection and support, or if her lifestyle is disrupted to the point it is a distraction and is time and energy consuming, then it will negatively affect her libido and sexual availability to the OM.

 

 

This is exactly why I so strongly encourage BH's to drop the hammer on their WW so quickly and definitively.

 

 

Exposure, separation and real possibility of divorce kills affairs dead in their tracks 95 % of the time when it is a WW/OM affair.

 

 

I can't speak for WH/OW affairs but I imagine there are some similarities there as well.

[Lady Hamilton]

I didn't encourage him to stay or go, but I did say numerous times "make a choice and stick with it."

 

I also did I'm sure ask why he stayed with somebody who was so abusive and clearly unwell... I didn't ask him to get him to go, but to understand how one could get a black eye from his wife, leave to not get hit, then go back into the abuse. I just couldn't grasp it.

 

Ultimately he left and that choice was 100% him. Not me telling him he had to stay or go.

[oldshirt]

I will also add that I had one (and only one) of my MW ask me if we could be together if she were to exit her marriage.

 

I told her point blank that I would not. She was not GF or marriage material and I had no intentions of ever having a traditional relationship with her.

 

I did not tell her she was wasn't GF/W material, but I was open and honest that I was happy with our relationship at the current status quo and had no interest in any more.

 

I do think she was a little put off by that but our trysts continued to wax and wane over time for a few more years.

 

(side bar: she was 24 years old and on husband #3 at the time we started seeing each other. At approx the 3 or 4 year mark, I had a steady GF and she had also moved on to other suitors. I know she did leave her H and remarried soon after. She and I are Facebook friends now and she lives several states away and is on husband at-least #5 if not 6 or 7)

[goodyblue]

I don't think I encouraged him to stay or go but once he made the decision to leave I supported that.

[Moxie Lady]

I will also add that I had one (and only one) of my MW ask me if we could be together if she were to exit her marriage.

 

I told her point blank that I would not. She was not GF or marriage material and I had no intentions of ever having a traditional relationship with her.

 

I did not tell her she was wasn't GF/W material, but I was open and honest that I was happy with our relationship at the current status quo and had no interest in any more.

 

I do think she was a little put off by that but our trysts continued to wax and wane over time for a few more years.

 

(side bar: she was 24 years old and on husband #3 at the time we started seeing each other. At approx the 3 or 4 year mark, I had a steady GF and she had also moved on to other suitors. I know she did leave her H and remarried soon after. She and I are Facebook friends now and she lives several states away and is on husband at-least #5 if not 6 or 7)

 

Honestly Mr Oldshirt, from your posts I would not have pegged you as someone who would be a serial OM.

 

You said she was not girlfriend or marriage material (glad you didnt actually say that to her by the way). Meaning I assume that she is the type of women that is ok for ****ing but thats it.

 

My question for you is this: since you participated in this sexual affair with this woman and other women, what is is about you that makes you boyfriend or marriage material? Pots and kettles and all that.

[13Hearts]

Yes, I did. I encouraged him to find a new marriage counselor who practiced a specific type of marriage therapy, which I researched and got all the information for him on. I told him to stop coming around, go home and focus on making his marriage the best he could.

 

But, like with every single reason I pointed out to him why he would stay in that marriage and choose not to leave permanently, he argued with me and told me that was not the case. With the marriage counseling he said he had tried and done everything he could to make it work but what it came down to was that he just did not want to be with her anymore.

 

What a liar.

[oldshirt]

Honestly Mr Oldshirt, from your posts I would not have pegged you as someone who would be a serial OM.

 

You said she was not girlfriend or marriage material (glad you didnt actually say that to her by the way). Meaning I assume that she is the type of women that is ok for ****ing but thats it.

 

My question for you is this: since you participated in this sexual affair with this woman and other women, what is is about you that makes you boyfriend or marriage material? Pots and kettles and all that.

 

I wasn't BF/H material at that time at all. I make no bones about that.

 

I was a starving college student, I was only working part time. I wasn't marriage or relationship minded and primarily was interested in noncommittal sex. (this was in the late 80s and we called it 'casual sex' back then)

 

I had difficulty with single women at the time and I now believe the married women gravitated to me because they knew I would give them the attention and fun and excitement they wanted but would not ask anything more of them.

 

They did not see me as a threat to their marriages because they knew I would keep it on the downlow and not rock the boat.

 

All the other MW didn't even want me as a potential mate or partner, just a fun diversion from their sexual frustration in their marriages.

[whatatangledweb]

My husband's ow didn't. She wanted him to divorce me and marry her. Kept insisting on it.

[minimariah]

i've seen lots of APs encourage their MM/MW to work on the marriage; but the intent wasn't really to help the MARRIAGE...but rather to make sure that the MM/MW will choose on their own... without ultimatums. i noticed that - just like many APs have a problem with the BS being the one who ended the relationship - they have a problem with the possibility of MM/MW leaving just because they might have convinced them to do so.

 

in other words - i do believe APs encourage working on the marriage but i doubt it's honest... especially for people who are in love and actually want a future together. we're all selfish like that.

[Alamo657]

I was the OM once, and i never encouraged her to divorce her husband, even tho i thought i was madly in love with this woman and wanted her all for myself.

 

On the contrary, i encouraged her in her marriage counseling, i repeateadly told her to do the right thing for her and never divorce for me. I offered her with advice and counsel.

 

My line of thoughts was that i didn't want to push her, i wanted her free of emotional bonds with her husband, i wanted her to make her choice on her own.

 

Of course with hindsight, i realized that i was afraid:

- afraid of her doing what she did to the father of her child, to me, seeing what she is able to do in the back of a man she loved once (and as i discovered later, still did);

- afraid to take on the responsability of making her totally forget the life she was leaving;

 

Since i have self-esteem issues, i guess it all came from there. But even those issues put aside, my fears were objectively valid.

 

She dumped me before her divorce, we reconnected some months later and tried to have a real relationship. Turned out she was done with monogamy and was enjoying all the male attention she had as a single woman. After she dumped me again, she slept around with a few of her suitors before settling down with a new guy who has no connection or knowledge of her past life of unfaithfulness, starting fresh so to speak.

 

I learned multiple lessons from this :

- never get involved with a married person

- it takes a LONG time for them to fall out of love with their spouse after divorce

- if marriage was perceived as a prison not allowing them to do what they want, they'll be unreliable in regards to monogamy

Edited June 16, 2016 by Alamo657

[wmacbride]

Yet that's what she did.

 

This line of thinking baffles me. If you dont want to ruin someones marriage then you stay out of that marriage. If you don't want to take anyones husband then you dont sleep with anyone's husband.

 

It's bs ( and I don't mean betrayed spouse)

[Sub]

My W's AP encouraged her to work on the M when they began talking. By the end, he was telling her to leave and making plans to be with her. Kind of begs the question: can you REALLY work on a M - truly focus on it - when the A is still very much active?

[JohnAdams]

Do most affair partners encourage the other to work on their marriage? She said she didn't want to take anyone's husband or ruin someone's marriage.

 

I think the only reason the OM/OW would encourage the other to work on their marriage is it is the easy way out of the affair for them. They used you and got what they wanted, now it is time to move on, so why don't you go work on your marriage.

[DKT3]

I agree John to a degree, I think a large portion of Om/mm get a real kick out of bedding and controlling mw . Reminds me of the Jennifer anitson movie where she was attracted to Kevin Bacon who was only interested in women In relationship. The better the marriage the more of a kick it is for the ego.

[TrustedthenBusted]

My guess is most affair partners just tell the person they are getting all that NSA fun from whatever they want to hear.

[Liam1]

I've recently been involved in an affair... Both me and the young lady agreed it's wrong and that we feel better when we do the right thing so we agreed to end it soon. I discussed the unhappy state of my marriage with her & she then asked why stay somewhere I didn't want to be and then she encouraged me to stick it out since I'd been married for so long and my wife is a nice lady.

 

Do most affair partners encourage the other to work on their marriage? She said she didn't want to take anyone's husband or ruin someone's marriage.

 

She's more than just an affair partner to me, but a friend.

 

I think it depends on the individual. My FOW initially claimed she only wanted an affair and she wanted to stay married. So did I.

 

But later, she wanted me to leave my wife and marry her.

 

I do think that there are perhaps are women who only want an affair, and nothing more.

[cocorico]

 

Do most affair partners encourage the other to work on their marriage?

 

 

I did not. I don't encourage anyone to stay in a toxic R of any kind.

 

I encouraged him to seek IC (which he did) and family counselling with the kids (which he also did). His counsellors helped him to walk.

[immokk]

Similar to a couple of posts above.

 

The only time I ever told him, one way or the other, was on ending the A. I told him to get his life together and leave her, if he was so unhappy.

 

I told him he was up to his eyeballs in an uncontrolled situation and that she was so increasingly dependent on him he was about to become her carer.

 

I told him he would never see me again and we have been NC since but that he should get his act together; not for me but for himself and for his wife. One way or the other.

 

Otherwise, throughout, I never raised it one way or the other myself.

[imperfectangel]

Yet that's what she did.

 

This line of thinking baffles me. If you dont want to ruin someones marriage then you stay out of that marriage. If you don't want to take anyones husband then you dont sleep with anyone's husband.

 

I'm sure the husband had a say in it and it was all the evil other woman's fault

[JLeaks3]

I'm sure the husband had a say in it and it was all the evil other woman's fault

 

It really is futile to have the same argument over and over about who is more at fault the married AP or the OW. Regardless, both enter into a relationship founded on deceit. Whether it's the person skipping out on their marriage or the one interloping on someone's marriage, they are BOTH accountable for their choices. If OW/OM wouldn't willingly get involved with married people, married people wouldn't have anyone to cheat with. Conversely, if married people wouldn't woo/seduce/pursue other people outside of their marriages, then OW/OM wouldn't have opportunities to ruin innocent people's marriages. See now that works?

 

The fact remains, this isn't some stupid economics class. Just because there is a demand for something, it doesn't mean people have to supply them with what they want knowing full well that doing so causes so much hurt and pain.

 

I agree, the whole thinking of "I didn't want to ruin someone's marriage" all the while entangling with someone's else's husband in their sheets is somewhat disingenuous and feels more like a slap in the face.