I am a physical mess after my affair. Need to turn this around!

[jenkins95]

Hi everyone

 

I am starting this thread in the Infidelity section as it concerns the physical condition I am in as a direct result of having an affair, but I completely understand that the moderators may decide to move it elsewhere.

 

Yes, I was a foolish, selfish idiot and had an affair. It has caused huge damage to many people, but this post is not to discuss the affair itself. If you are interested, my story is in other threads here on LS.

 

I am finding that I am a weak human being - I was weak to have the affair, and now as I try to recover, I am finding it very hard to live with what I've done and am plagued with dark thoughts almost constantly. Having said that, reconciliation is going as well as we could have expected and I am confident that things will continue to improve. People say it takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair. I am at nearly the one year mark and this feels about right (It will probably be nearer the 5 year mark than the 2 year mark I reckon in my case).

 

I am also finding that I have an addictive personality. I became addicted to the various things I did during the A (messages, texts, calls, etc - you guys know the usual stuff) and in my weakness I have now replaced those things with junk food, cigarettes and alcohol. Just this morning I stopped on my way to work at McDonald's. I found myself waiting in the queue before I even realised I was there - I arrived there on automatic pilot with my head in the (dark) clouds. I ordered two (yes two) large (yes large) breakfast meals, pretending that one was for a colleague and then went and ate it secretly in my car in about 5 minutes. In the office, there are always cakes, biscuits and donuts lying around to celebrate one thing or another. Each time I pass them I take one (or more) and I am usually careful to make sure that no one notices. I have always been anti-smoking, but now I find myself getting through about 7-8 cigarettes a day. Also, each evening, a bottle of wine normally gets opened that I share with my wife. But I inevitably have more than her, and I often slip a generous portion of vodka into my wine...and sometimes one bottle becomes two. Another major problem is fizzy drinks - Pepsi Max, 7Up, etc. Whilst the odd one is fine, I find that I drink it as my staple drink instead of water. I've barely seen a fresh fruit or vegetable for months.

 

All the above is now normal daily behaviour that I do almost without thinking. I have never been skinny. My normal build is like a typical rugby player, which I have always been happy enough with. But I have gained nearly 60 pounds since January and now I am definitely severely obese and don't fit into any of my old clothes. In the last month, I have got to the stage where not many shops stock clothes of my size, so I am now having to look at mail order

 

I look in the mirror and see a mess of a human being staring back at me. I am so utterly ashamed of my A, but also of the lost, obese, pathetic slob I have become. I sit at my desk now in tears (I blame this on an allergy if my colleagues ask me) feeling sorry for myself and wondering how this ever happened. Of course, I know good and well how this happened - and it's all my fault.

 

OK, that's all the doom and gloom out of the way. Now for the positivity! This has to stop NOW! Not just for me, but for my family. I am so overweight that I get tired playing with my kids after about 5 minutes and then just collapse in front of the TV...and the vicious circle continues. And I must surely have become far less attractive to my wonderful wife, who I have already put through so much. I also notice the look of shock when I see people that I haven't seen for a while - I almost cried at my mother's reaction. I also have to suffer all the usual "fat jokes" from some of my less sensitive colleagues at work. Of course, I have little choice but to accept these and laugh along with them - but they hurt so much inside. The other day, a tray of donuts which was to be used in a meeting disappeared (it was later found in a cupboard), but before it was found a colleague said something like "Oh, I can see Jenkins has been in the office today, the donuts have disappeared!". I laughed as loud as anyone else...then disappeared to the rest room to cry!

 

Tomorrow, instead of McDonald's, I am going to visit the pharmacy on the way to my office and get a print out of my weight, blood pressure, heart rate, etc, and if the moderators don't object, I will post it here. Then I will start turning things around. No more junk, lots more water, fresh fruit, vegetables, etc and exercise. I am not banning "junk" altogether - the odd trip to McDonald's with my family, in a non-secret way is part of normal life for most families. But no more secret eating, binging, gorging, stuffing...and all the shame and self-hatred that goes with it. I need to turn things around as I feel I am slowly dying the way I am at the moment.

 

And what would I like from you wonderful LS members? Well, advice, suggestions and encouragement, the sharing of any similar stories, and also, if anyone else feels like joining me in a detox, health transformation and weight loss program (post-A or otherwise) and share your progress on this thread, then I would be so pleased and we could support each other.

 

Please know that this post is NOT an attempt to get sympathy or help me justify my awful behaviour. Everything I suffer now is my own fault. But just to share this is amazingly therapeutic and I thank you for being there. So, now that I have stated out my goals in writing, I am accountable to this thread! I so want to be able to updated it regularly with good updates and am determined to do so!

 

Good luck everyone and thanks for reading.

 

J

Edited July 6, 2016 by jenkins95

[DKT3]

I went the other way after my wife's affair, bulked up so much that I had to buy a new clothes. It almost felt manic like I could not control myself. I was told it was my subconscious mind making myself more attractive maybe to win her back or preparing for new women. I don't know.

 

Maybe your making yourself less attractive, it's been said that people do that after sexual trauma.

[jenkins95]

I went the other way after my wife's affair, bulked up so much that I had to buy a new clothes. It almost felt manic like I could not control myself. I was told it was my subconscious mind making myself more attractive maybe to win her back or preparing for new women. I don't know.

 

Maybe your making yourself less attractive, it's been said that people do that after sexual trauma.

 

Thanks for replying DKT3. Yes, that makes a lot of sense and it kind of goes hand-in-hand with self-loathing.

 

There is also a definite element of "comfort" in my behaviour. A hamburger, pizza or a cigarette gives me instant comforting, gratification, like a little hug. The "pleasure" part of it lasts as long as it takes to consume it - 1 min, 2 min? The negative effects last a lot longer!

[OneLov]

Hi everyone

 

I am starting this thread in the Infidelity section as it concerns the physical condition I am in as a direct result of having an affair, but I completely understand that the moderators may decide to move it elsewhere.

 

Yes, I was a foolish, selfish idiot and had an affair. It has caused huge damage to many people, but this post is not to discuss the affair itself. If you are interested, my story is in other threads here on LS.

 

I am finding that I am a weak human being - I was weak to have the affair, and now as I try to recover, I am finding it very hard to live with what I've done and am plagued with dark thoughts almost constantly. Having said that, reconciliation is going as well as we could have expected and I am confident that things will continue to improve. People say it takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair. I am at nearly the one year mark and this feels about right (It will probably be nearer the 5 year mark than the 2 year mark I reckon in my case).

 

I am also finding that I have an addictive personality. I became addicted to the various things I did during the A (messages, texts, calls, etc - you guys know the usual stuff) and in my weakness I have now replaced those things with junk food, cigarettes and alcohol. Just this morning I stopped on my way to work at McDonald's. I found myself waiting in the queue before I even realised I was there - I arrived there on automatic pilot with my head in the (dark) clouds. I ordered two (yes two) large (yes large) breakfast meals, pretending that one was for a colleague and then went and ate it secretly in my car in about 5 minutes. In the office, there are always cakes, biscuits and donuts lying around to celebrate one thing or another. Each time I pass them I take one (or more) and I am usually careful to make sure that no one notices. I have always been anti-smoking, but now I find myself getting through about 7-8 cigarettes a day. Also, each evening, a bottle of wine normally gets opened that I share with my wife. But I inevitably have more than her, and I often slip a generous portion of vodka into my wine...and sometimes one bottle becomes two. Another major problem is fizzy drinks - Pepsi Max, 7Up, etc. Whilst the odd one is fine, I find that I drink it as my staple drink instead of water. I've barely seen a fresh fruit or vegetable for months.

 

All the above is now normal daily behaviour that I do almost without thinking. I have never been skinny. My normal build is like a typical rugby player, which I have always been happy enough with. But I have gained nearly 60 pounds since January and now I am definitely severely obese and don't fit into any of my old clothes. In the last month, I have got to the stage where not many shops stock clothes of my size, so I am now having to look at mail order

 

I look in the mirror and see a mess of a human being staring back at me. I am so utterly ashamed of my A, but also of the lost, obese, pathetic slob I have become. I sit at my desk now in tears (I blame this on an allergy if my colleagues ask me) feeling sorry for myself and wondering how this ever happened. Of course, I know good and well how this happened - and it's all my fault.

 

OK, that's all the doom and gloom out of the way. Now for the positivity! This has to stop NOW! Not just for me, but for my family. I am so overweight that I get tired playing with my kids after about 5 minutes and then just collapse in front of the TV...and the vicious circle continues. And I must surely have become far less attractive to my wonderful wife, who I have already put through so much. I also notice the look of shock when I see people that I haven't seen for a while - I almost cried at my mother's reaction. I also have to suffer all the usual "fat jokes" from some of my less sensitive colleagues at work. Of course, I have little choice but to accept these and laugh along with them - but they hurt so much inside. The other day, a tray of donuts which was to be used in a meeting disappeared (it was later found in a cupboard), but before it was found a colleague said something like "Oh, I can see Jenkins has been in the office today, the donuts have disappeared!". I laughed as loud as anyone else...then disappeared to the rest room to cry!

 

Tomorrow, instead of McDonald's, I am going to visit the pharmacy on the way to my office and get a print out of my weight, blood pressure, heart rate, etc, and if the moderators don't object, I will post it here. Then I will start turning things around. No more junk, lots more water, fresh fruit, vegetables, etc and exercise. I am not banning "junk" altogether - the odd trip to McDonald's with my family, in a non-secret way is part of normal life for most families. But no more secret eating, binging, gorging, stuffing...and all the shame and self-hatred that goes with it. I need to turn things around as I feel I am slowly dying the way I am at the moment.

 

And what would I like from you wonderful LS members? Well, advice, suggestions and encouragement, the sharing of any similar stories, and also, if anyone else feels like joining me in a detox, health transformation and weight loss program (post-A or otherwise) and share your progress on this thread, then I would be so pleased and we could support each other.

 

Please know that this post is NOT an attempt to get sympathy or help me justify my awful behaviour. Everything I suffer now is my own fault. But just to share this is amazingly therapeutic and I thank you for being there. So, now that I have stated out my goals in writing, I am accountable to this thread! I so want to be able to updated it regularly with good updates and am determined to do so!

 

Good luck everyone and thanks for reading.

 

J

 

I was a personal trainer, but I am still in decent shape (6'4" 210lbs). I still work out regularly and eat healthy. But I still like pizza, beer, and McDonalds. I just limit eating junk to one day a week (McDonalds once a month). But I always said its 80% diet, 20% exercise. A few tips:

 

Substitute seltzer water for soda (I only drank soda for the carbonation).

Eat a heaping serving of veggies at least once a day.

Substitute fruit desserts in place of those with high fat and sugar content

Eat carbs in the beginning part of the day and more proteins later on.

Don't drink too much juice

Limit sodium

Take evening walks/jogs with family

Join a sports league

Slowly cutdown alcohol and stop smoking

Do strength training at least 3 times a week for a minimum of 45 minutes

Don't expect results overnight

 

I think you can do it. I don't know you, but you seem like a person who can do anything once he/she resolves to do so. If you even tweak your lifestyle a tiny bit you will notice a difference. Best of all, your mood will improve too. Keep updating. I hope you get the results you want.

 

PS - If you can vaguely see the outline of your abs, you're about 10% body fat, and for a man, that is where you want to be. IMO, maintaining that amount of body fat puts you in the Goldie Locks zone. Anything less is difficult to maintain because you will start feeling like poop unless you radically change your diet. Best of luck to you Jenkins.

[wmacbride]

It sounds like you are engaging in some self punishment. Sure, the food, alcohol, smoking et. feels good at the time, but afterwards, you feel miserable about yourself.

 

I'm not trying to minimize the A, but you need to forgive yourself for it. Punishing yourself like this does no one any good.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Choosing to live consciously is a great start.

 

Too often we live our life on auto-pilot and choose to ignore the very real choices/decisions that we are making.

 

I have found that once we "see" how we truly are, flaws, faults, strengths, weaknesses, the good and the bad...we can more easily stop the thoughts/actions/words that are toxic to us and use more of our positives/strengths.

 

Start researching diet.....I mean the human diet...just like how we say..'what is the diet of a lion". Find out the purpose of diet, how different diets effect us, what should humans be consuming and why.

 

Look into physical activity in all of its forms...find something that speaks to you.

 

I wish you well on your self discovery journey.

[Moxie Lady]

Jenkins I very much like your posts. You seem like a very good man. Please stop beating yourself up.

 

My story is a little different as I was in a sexless marriage for many years before my now exH had an affair. (The sexless marriage was not my idea). I used to be slim but my frustration soon gave me the "why does it matter anymore" attitude and I gained 50 pounds.

 

My close friend who is a physician was on my case about it because of health reasons, my blood pressure was high enough that I needed meds and my cholesterol went up (I am a physician also but havent practiced in almost 25 years).

 

My divorce was final mid May of this year and I realized I had to do something. So far I have lost about half the weight I need to lose.

 

The biggest thing is to get moving. Walk or go to the gym and use the treadmill or elliptical. You will feel so much better and it isnt' all mental because exercise actually increases the good hormones in the brain. What happened for me was that once I started to get active the crappy food no longer was such a temptation because I just thought "why would I eat that when in 30 seconds it will ruin the hour I just walked".

 

Once you lose that first 10 pounds you are well on your way because you feel better and want to keep it goinng. It doesnt take long to start seeing results, the hardest part is just getting started.

 

I wish you success Jenkins

[jenkins95]

Fantastic post full of great advice and inspiration - just want i wanted/needed. On the strength of this post alone, I just resisted a donut (the tray just passed right in front of me - we are a very unhealthy office!) - that's at least 200 calories I just avoided! (small steps and all that!) I think the last time I saw the outline of my abs, I was living with my parents and we still had a black and white TV ...but seriously, that's a great long term goal to aim for.

 

Thanks so much OL - I will indeed keep the thread updated! Please keep visiting and adding your great, positive advice and support.

 

I was a personal trainer, but I am still in decent shape (6'4" 210lbs). I still work out regularly and eat healthy. But I still like pizza, beer, and McDonalds. I just limit eating junk to one day a week (McDonalds once a month). But I always said its 80% diet, 20% exercise. A few tips:

 

Substitute seltzer water for soda (I only drank soda for the carbonation).

Eat a heaping serving of veggies at least once a day.

Substitute fruit desserts in place of those with high fat and sugar content

Eat carbs in the beginning part of the day and more proteins later on.

Don't drink too much juice

Limit sodium

Take evening walks/jogs with family

Join a sports league

Slowly cutdown alcohol and stop smoking

Do strength training at least 3 times a week for a minimum of 45 minutes

Don't expect results overnight

 

I think you can do it. I don't know you, but you seem like a person who can do anything once he/she resolves to do so. If you even tweak your lifestyle a tiny bit you will notice a difference. Best of all, your mood will improve too. Keep updating. I hope you get the results you want.

 

PS - If you can vaguely see the outline of your abs, you're about 10% body fat, and for a man, that is where you want to be. IMO, maintaining that amount of body fat puts you in the Goldie Locks zone. Anything less is difficult to maintain because you will start feeling like poop unless you radically change your diet. Best of luck to you Jenkins.

[jenkins95]

Brilliant contributions guys - just leaving the office now, but will check in again later from home and add some individual replies.

 

You wouldn't believe how much inspiration you are providing me with.

 

I suddenly KNOW that I will be able to turn this around - that's the support that you guys give me!

[BeholdtheMan]

maybe to win her back or preparing for new women

 

I'll never understand the desire to win back a cheater

[OhNoYouDidNot]

I'll never understand the desire to win back a cheater

 

Especially when the BS doesn't know it's a competition until the A is discovered!

[ladydesigner]

"why does it matter anymore" attitude and I gained 50 pounds.

 

I have this too it is exactly the way I thought after my False R discovery the whole 'why bother' attitude. Yep that attitude has lead me to gain 25 lbs:sick:

 

(((jenkins95))) do you think you may be depressed? I have struggled with deep depression for close to 4 years now (ever since Dday). I am on meds which help me tremendously, but I know I need to start exercising. Exercising releases those wonderful endorphins which help battle depression.

 

You are not alone jenkins!!! Hang in there!

[Noideanow]

I wanted to ignore your post bescause i think your on the wrong path but curiousity Got to me.. Why feel bad about your hearts desires? And i dont mean the donuts but in my ears it rings true that your feeling bad and comforteating and turning alcoholic because you dont follow your heart:( so sad that as i Said i wanted to ignore but now i find myself writing..you Can die from that behaviour tomorrow:( i find myself worrying that the man i used to know Will drink like you do to feel better..:( i guess all one Can do is let go and save oneself from not drowning too:(

Pack your back with healthy organic food so you have something when feel like eating and eat all you Can and got:cool: i think a Lot of positive things Will comeback out of it, dont drink Anymore alcohol:o

[ladydesigner]

I wanted to ignore your post bescause i think your on the wrong path but curiousity Got to me.. Why feel bad about your hearts desires? And i dont mean the donuts but in my ears it rings true that your feeling bad and comforteating and turning alcoholic because you dont follow your heart:( so sad that as i Said i wanted to ignore but now i find myself writing..you Can die from that behaviour tomorrow:( i find myself worrying that the man i used to know Will drink like you do to feel better..:( i guess all one Can do is let go and save oneself from not drowning too:(

Pack your back with healthy organic food so you have something when feel like eating and eat all you Can and got:cool: i think a Lot of positive things Will comeback out of it, dont drink Anymore alcohol:o

 

The wrong path?

[DKT3]

I'll never understand the desire to win back a cheater

 

Caveman instinct, she mine grunt grunt

 

It never felt like I really wanted to be with her, it was more like searching for a reason to not leave. But we got side tracked let's focus on OP

[66Charger]

The first thing you should do is put a end to the whining about your weight. When you look in the mirror, instead of seeing how fat you have become, look at it as something you have to do. Turn your way of thinking around. Change the negative into determination.

 

An addictive personality may actually benefit you, if you can change your addictions. I am addicted to running or longwalking in the desert. Its a crazy thing to do, and I have had a few close boughts of severe dehydration, however once I finish, I feel."clean" mentally and.physically. the "rush," stays with me for days.

 

Start new.patterns. I suggest you start with distance walking. It is easy to start and.can.become addictive. The effects are immediate. Buy yourself a new pair of running shoes and set them near your front door. Get yourself a.good set of earphones and load up the music.,(nothing that reminds you of the AP) The easiest way to start is to have the wife drop you off 5 miles from home. You no longer have a choice. You must walk home. Put the earphones on and.get going. It should take you less than 90 minutes. Watch your time. by the 3rd time you will see your time dropping.

 

Forget about the scale, focus on your time. Then start changing the distance. Then mix in a little jogging. Get.lost in the music. Check out your surrondings and people watch and.time.will fly. Go deep into yourself, and by the time you finish your walk, your mentality will change.

 

There is a runners and.distance walkers "high" You can become addicted to it. If you start now, you may lose that 60 lbs by Christmas.

 

No more whining. No more excuses. No, but I have bad knees. Put your "big boy" pants.on and.get.going.

Edited July 6, 2016 by 66Charger

[Mr. Lucky]

The easiest way to start is to have the wife drop you off 5 miles from home. You no longer have a choice. You must walk home. Put the earphones on and.get going. It should take you less than 90 minutes.

 

Since his wife is a BS, he needs to be careful she doesn't drop him 500 miles from home .

 

Two easy diet tricks that work for me -

 

1). Eat an apple every day around 4:00 pm. They fill your stomach and help absorb the enzymes that make you feel you're hungry.

 

2). Like you, I'm a snacker. Most stores sell small cut trays of fruit and/or veggies, I buy one every Monday and keep it in the breakroom fridge. When others are reaching for donuts, it give me something else to eat.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bittersweetie]

Jenkins, it sounds like you may have a bit of emotional eating going on...you are feeling so bad about your actions, the consequences, etc that you are eating to feel better. Which becomes a vicious circle in that you feel bad about the overeating afterward, which then turns into eating more.

 

Are you seeing a therapist? Maybe this is something to talk with that person about. Or talk with a nutritionist who can help you come up with food options and monitor your progress and maybe even address the emotional eating directly. My friend went and saw a nutritionist after her divorce when she was emotional eating a lot, and it helped her.

 

As for the drinking...that seems like a lot of daily drinking. You probably need help to address this...AA? Maybe that could help with your addictive personality too.

 

Good luck.

[wmacbride]

If I could suggest one more thing it would be to see your doctor for a physical. get yourslef off to a healthy start.

[OneLov]

If I could suggest one more thing it would be to see your doctor for a physical. get yourslef off to a healthy start.

 

That's a great idea. You should have some blood drawn to determine your current cholesterol (good and bad), triglyceride, and three-month average blood sugar levels. Then go back in six months to a year for blood work. I guarantee with exercise and a healthy diet, you will see both internal and external results.

 

 

****Also wanted to add - Track what you eat.

 

For now, I'd go high protein and veggies. I'd cut carbs to a minimum for at least two weeks. But don't harm your kidneys with all that protein -- DRINK WATER!

 

As far as proteins go -- eat egg whites. Because of the amino acid profile, the bioavailability of the protein found in eggs is without parallel.

 

And eat lots of greens. Vegetables (without butter and salt) should be the majority of your diet from now on. Meat is not bad for you, but most people in the West eat too much of it. Plus soy-based proteins are not as absorbable, and they increase estrogen levels.

Edited July 6, 2016 by OneLov

[Confused9999]

Jenkins, we have been on same threads numerous times and I think I have a bit of understanding of your previous affair.

 

I think you need to deal with the feelings of loss of the A and the fact that you are not going to have that passion and newness in your marriage unless you change and work with your wife to change.

I had a similar realization and it took a while to get over the loss of the A. You have to grieve and feel as if you lost a girlfriend to be able to move past it. You can't sweep those feelings under the rug!

 

In my case I actually went the other direction and started playing sports and working out, And lost weight.

 

What worked for me is intermittent fasting. You should look into it. Very effective and can stop you from bing eating.

Also start walking and moving. Get a Fitbit and start walking or biking with your wife or kids after dinner. Start slow and then extend by 15 or 30 minutes every week.

Your affair memories, self confidence, and your physical shape is not going to change overnight. But if you start and continue it will get there!

[Bittersweetie]

Agree with the Fitbit recommendation, I always get a little happy when it buzzes that I've reached my goal. Though if you get one, also get a stretchy cover (inexpensive ones on Amazon) to protect it, I didn't have a cover and the band got messed up. Much better with the cover.

[BuddyX]

Every time you're ready to take a bite out of that Mcdy's just say it out loud, "I choose you over my kids". Because that's what you're doing.

Trust me, within a month you'll have no desire to bite Down

[Moxie Lady]

One time several years ago I got a Bic Mac at McD's and there was a fat green caterpillar/worm thing on a piece of the lettuce that was sticking out.

 

There did that help?

[OneLov]

And prepare your own fresh food as much as possible.