Feelingtrapped16 Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 (edited) Hello everyone. Hoping you can help me here in this terrible situation. My husband and I just got married this past September. A couple weeks before Thanksgiving I found emails he had sent to two women on Craigslist only 2 weeks after we were married! I also found two emails he had sent back in March to a couple women on Craigslist. I confronted him and he said he didn't know why he did it, he was just looking for pictures, just liked the fantasy and broke down crying. Whatever, the emails said something like "I'm free for an hour, when and where would you like to meet up. I'm married also." So I call bs on him only wanting pictures. He was at a hardware store parking lot when he was sending the emails and was only gone about an hour and a half. I got records from the phone company and when he was sending the emails he didn't send or receive any unusual texts or calls so I'm thinking he didn't get any replies in time for him to actually meet up with. When we were dating long distance and before it was really serious, I found out he was seeing someone else and broke up with him. He begged and begged for me to get back with him and I finally did. Things were really good and we were rebuilding trust and happy. He gave me all of his passwords to everything, set his phone up so I could see where he was and treated me like gold. I still would check his phone from time to time and he was fine with it. Even making it so I could get on his phone with my finger print. Which is why I was even more in shock when I found the emails! I feel so angry, resentful and depressed. I regret ever getting back with him. If I would have known about the emails in March I wouldn't have married him. I feel stuck. He said he is willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to me and make things right. We have been going to marriage counseling which has helped however, if this has happened so early in our marriage what do I have to look forward to?! The marriage counselor thinks it's something to do with his (abusive) childhood and him needing approval and basically being an approval junkie. He was also in the army and has PTSD and TBI which she thinks could be contributing to his issues. He has been reading self help books and doing everything he can but I don't know if I can forgive him for this. This was suppose to be his second chance and I feel like an idiot if I stay. For reference. I'm 24 and he is 31. We have no children together. I have told him I would like a divorce or dissolution and he breaks down crying begging me not to. The counselor says she thinks he really loves me and cares for me. His mom is begging me not to give up oh him. I moved here to be with him and have no family around. I really do love and care about him but I'm tired of being taken for granted. I really don't want to give up on my marriage but this happening SO early on I don't have much hope for our future. Sorry this post is all over the place, any advice welcome. Edited January 13, 2017 by Feelingtrapped16 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 Since he got away the first 2 times , he didn't have any reason to change his behavior or find out why hd does it. The 3 time around , may or may not be a charm. Hard decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Feelingtrapped16 Posted January 13, 2017 Author Share Posted January 13, 2017 Since he got away the first 2 times , he didn't have any reason to change his behavior or find out why hd does it. The 3 time around , may or may not be a charm. Hard decision. Yup, I told him that was his second chance and he still did it and his response is but I didn't get help the first time! Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 He's a serial cheater. You don't need his permission to divorce. If you stay, he'll be on his 5th 2nd chance within a few years. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
5x5 Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 While ever you choose to remain married to him while he does this, he'll keep doing it. If you don't like it divorce him, if you do like it feel free to give him more chances. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 I'm sad to say, he is a serial cheater and this seems to be a pattern of behavior. It would be easier to get out now, before you have children together and things get really complicated. I would be asking for a divorce. I'm so sorry. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 If he knows now , then it aren't difficult at all to not have any contact with any woman. If he still does, he is choosing to. It's a conscience choice because he knows that again , he will get away somehow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 Given the childhood issues, Ptsd etc. he is 99.9 percent going to cheat again. Love has nothing to do with it (he can love you and still cheat). And he will... Mine had similarl background, cheated early in the marriage and I gave him a second chance. Treated me like a princess, gushed how amazing I was for almost 30 years. I discovered a covert affair and divorced him, all while he was professing his "love" for me. I suspect there where multiple affairs during our marriage. So yes, looking back I should never have given him that second chance. You are young no kids. He is a toxic and broken person that you have no obligation to spend your life fixing. Move on and look for a healthy individual who does not have to say sorry for breaking your marriage vows every time he is feeling "low". There is no excuse for infidelity. None. What is the point of marriage if there was?? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 Just think of the health risks he is taking - with your health - if he is trolling for women and actually meets up with a woman on Craig's list. The possibility that that could even happen would be reason enough for me to leave him... This isn't "I have a coworker who I have developed feeling for..." If he is trolling in Craig's list, it won't just be one woman... If he is ever actually successful, it will likely happen again, and again... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 The next time he starts crying after his bad behavior tell him to shut up and dry up because his tears aren't working anymore. You aren't stuck because you don't have to stay with him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 I've been down the road of trying to forgive infidelity. I won't do that again. That's just me. It just isn't worth it. It takes too many years to recover, usually fails, and it all sticks with you even when you succeed. If someone else wants to make an attempt at reconciling after infidelity, I am commonly supportive provided that there's true remorse on the part of the wayward (which would be demonstrated by consistent actions over time). I wouldn't do it myself but I had to learn that lesson on my own. I'll never counsel someone to reconcile a second time when they've been down this road before. And you're young. Brief marriage. Hell, you might be able to get an annulment. Your H's PTSD and TBI are regrettable but I agree with the other poster that you don't have any obligation to spend your life fixing a broken person that repeatedly cheats on you. And let's face the facts here, he could have made different choices. He's can make reasonable, rational, and respectful decisions, right? There's nothing about PTSD and a TBI that makes you think that the solution to your problems in is another woman's pants. Where he lost me altogether is his claim that he just wanted pictures. Um, no. You said you had an hour and wanted to meet up. This means he is still lying and hasn't learned a damn thing, even though he now has "help." Screw that. If you stay, you won't be a victim but instead a volunteer. Hasta la bye bye. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
NotASkunk Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 Since he got away the first 2 times , he didn't have any reason to change his behavior or find out why hd does it. The 3 time around , may or may not be a charm. Hard decision. I don't think it's a hard decision. It sounds like the lady married a cheater. Somebody who wasn't ready to be married. If he is saying he wants to meet up with somebody and he has a free hour, please believe… He has no good intentions. It's one thing to want to see a picture of a girls boobs on the Internet and a complete other thing to want to meet up. OP, your husband isn't ready to be a married man. Everybody makes bad decisions in life, you are a young lady and you do not deserve somebody who is treating you this poorly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 I'm sure you know that all TBI's affect people differently, but if it's frontal lobe this will affect his impulse control, reasoning, understanding of consequences, ability to regulate and manage his emotions... This is an organic brain injury that he will live with for the rest of his life. You need to be safe and smart. If you can get an annulment, that would be ideal. Don't think that you will fix him or that this behavior will change, because when we are talking brain injury... That may really never be possible. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
enddeck Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 Your husband knows you can check his phone but he stills tries to cheat.He knows you will take him back when he cries about his problems.He has absolutely no respect whatsoever for you and you need to divorce his sorry ass or else agree to live in an open relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 There's nothing about PTSD and a TBI that makes you think that the solution to your problems in is another woman's pants. So true. "My father beat me up" - the answer is in another woman's pants. "I was never ever got picked for the football team" - the answer is in another woman's pants. "I can't afford a big car" - the answer is in another woman's pants. "My boss hates me" - the answer is in another woman's pants. "My dress sense is bad" - the answer is in another woman's pants "I have a headache" - the answer is in another woman's pants... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Feelingtrapped16 Posted January 13, 2017 Author Share Posted January 13, 2017 I'm sure you know that all TBI's affect people differently, but if it's frontal lobe this will affect his impulse control, reasoning, understanding of consequences, ability to regulate and manage his emotions... This is an organic brain injury that he will live with for the rest of his life. Yeah our counselor actually brought that up and asked to see his records to find out if he has impulse issues. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 Yeah our counselor actually brought that up and asked to see his records to find out if he has impulse issues. And, if that's the case... It's not going to change. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 If I had a pound for everyone that says of their cheating husband, "He cheated before we got married but I forgave him because I loooove him soooo much and I wanted to marry him".... If a man who is supposed to be besotted with you, cheats on you before the marriage, then he sure isn't gong to hold back on the cheating once you ARE married. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Feelingtrapped16 Posted January 13, 2017 Author Share Posted January 13, 2017 If I had a pound for everyone that says of their cheating husband, "He cheated before we got married but I forgave him because I loooove him soooo much and I wanted to marry him".... If a man who is supposed to be besotted with you, cheats on you before the marriage, then he sure isn't gong to hold back on the cheating once you ARE married. Sigh yes...I justified it to myself since we were dating long distance and he begged and begged me to get back with him. Hindsight is 20/20 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 Hello everyone. Hoping you can help me here in this terrible situation. My husband and I just got married this past September. A couple weeks before Thanksgiving I found emails he had sent to two women on Craigslist only 2 weeks after we were married! I also found two emails he had sent back in March to a couple women on Craigslist. I confronted him and he said he didn't know why he did it, he was just looking for pictures, just liked the fantasy and broke down crying. Whatever, the emails said something like "I'm free for an hour, when and where would you like to meet up. I'm married also." So I call bs on him only wanting pictures. He was at a hardware store parking lot when he was sending the emails and was only gone about an hour and a half. I got records from the phone company and when he was sending the emails he didn't send or receive any unusual texts or calls so I'm thinking he didn't get any replies in time for him to actually meet up with. When we were dating long distance and before it was really serious, I found out he was seeing someone else and broke up with him. He begged and begged for me to get back with him and I finally did. Things were really good and we were rebuilding trust and happy. He gave me all of his passwords to everything, set his phone up so I could see where he was and treated me like gold. I still would check his phone from time to time and he was fine with it. Even making it so I could get on his phone with my finger print. Which is why I was even more in shock when I found the emails! I feel so angry, resentful and depressed. I regret ever getting back with him. If I would have known about the emails in March I wouldn't have married him. I feel stuck. He said he is willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to me and make things right. We have been going to marriage counseling which has helped however, if this has happened so early in our marriage what do I have to look forward to?! The marriage counselor thinks it's something to do with his (abusive) childhood and him needing approval and basically being an approval junkie. He was also in the army and has PTSD and TBI which she thinks could be contributing to his issues. He has been reading self help books and doing everything he can but I don't know if I can forgive him for this. This was suppose to be his second chance and I feel like an idiot if I stay. For reference. I'm 24 and he is 31. We have no children together. I have told him I would like a divorce or dissolution and he breaks down crying begging me not to. The counselor says she thinks he really loves me and cares for me. His mom is begging me not to give up oh him. I moved here to be with him and have no family around. I really do love and care about him but I'm tired of being taken for granted. I really don't want to give up on my marriage but this happening SO early on I don't have much hope for our future. Sorry this post is all over the place, any advice welcome. It sucks, but you know what you need to do. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 So true. "My father beat me up" - the answer is in another woman's pants. "I was never ever got picked for the football team" - the answer is in another woman's pants. "I can't afford a big car" - the answer is in another woman's pants. "My boss hates me" - the answer is in another woman's pants. "My dress sense is bad" - the answer is in another woman's pants "I have a headache" - the answer is in another woman's pants... Or the classic... "My marriage was having problems" - the answer is in another woman's pants 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 (edited) Honestly, I'm so sick and tired of hearing how remorseful wayward partners become AFTER they get caught. The painful truth is that they're ONLY remorseful because they caught!!! And if they hadn't, I'm willing to bet my first born it would be business as usual for as long as they could get away with it. Personally, I have ZERO tolerance for cheating. I don't care how much I love you or what issues you need to exorcise from your past or childhood. Cheating is a CHOICE. There is no sugar coating it and women (especially) need to wake up and stop their cheating partners to continue making fools of them. You either make a decision to f*ck around or you don't. Blaming someone or something else is just so damn cowardly and never mind avoiding accepting any responsibility for what they've done. OP, he's a serial cheater. Everyone here agrees. The writing is on the wall with this man. If you want to try and make it work that's your prerogative but be prepared for some major challenges and even more heartbreak to come. Life with a partner who has cheated isn't an easy road. Once trust is broken, especially multiple times, it's very hard to regain...ever. Is that really the kind of life you want for yourself? Good luck. Edited January 13, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle 5 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 Just to reinforce the consensus, you don't want to get any older before freeing yourself from this hopeless situation. My husband was a serial cheater, and the only reason I'm confident it's over is that (1) he's old now and less attractive with a paunch and rotten teeth and (2) he's not as smart as I am (now). I was trusting and couldn't fathom cheating, so I was easy to fool. You know now. You're young. You can still start over. If you don't walk away, you will only feel that you wasted your life needlessly when it happens again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 How easy it is to get away by putting it on childhood issues ! What was his mother doing when he was a child ? She expects you to not give up on him. What role did she play in his upbringing? Probably-- blame someone else for your faults. We all have issues. It's how we deal with them that sets people apart. He says he will make up to you.How exactly ? Will he actually insult the women one by one , in front of you ( and behind your back tell them that he had to , because of you ? ) Who will satisfy his need for approval? It's not your job. What about his personal responsibility? His mother's responsibility? Maybe he just needs to be shamed in front of his friends and family. Because it's just between you , his mother and him , he is trying to get away with it. Old age doesn't stop many people. There are many crooked tooth men and women who get off from praising each other's flaws. Cheating is a choice that doesn't go away with age. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 Divorce, now. You have no kids, are young. You can get out pretty scott free. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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