What I would tell myself a year ago if I had the chance

[whatshappenedtome]

Dear whatshappenedtome,

 

I know you feel low and you are feeling empty but to seek solace in another mans arms is not the answer.

 

It's all very exciting now but what you don't realise is the Year that is ahead of you will be the worst year of your entire life!

 

You may get high on the attention but like any drug it has devastating consequences, not only for you but also for the those you love and cherish dearly.

 

Your brain will minismise the impact of you actions. You will justify your wrong doings. You will feel desperate to stop and walk away but breaking the addiction causes too much pain.

 

But you must walk away and deal with the pain because when your husband finds out, the real pain starts.

 

You have to watch him feel crushed, knowing you did that to him. he loved and trusted you implicitly for many years and you come to realise this gift will be gone forever. You will be punchbag for his emotional pain and anger but you will listen gently knowing you caused this to happen. Sometimes you will react and this will make things a lot worse. Don't react.

 

There will be times where you are more loving with each other but you will always be aware that your husbands new found neediness was a result of your selfish and destructive actions.

 

Your husband will raid your phone, diaries, computer trying to find something. He will find something because you are trying to detach emotionally from your affair partner and re-enter the real world and remove yourself from fantasyland. This is not an easy process and be prepared for days of crying while trying to be a loving wife. This will cause many minutes, hours, days, weeks and months of pain. Believe me, it is not worth it.

 

When you are out of fantasyland reality will hit and bring on the guilt, shame, remorse and self loathing. You want to make amends with your husband but deep down you know it may be a hopeless task. You feel depressed and lost and feel there is no hope.

 

Meanwhile your dad is ill. Your husband is trying to be supportive but his pain is still there and rears its ugly head. You are stressed beyond belief and berate yourself for being such a fool. You hurt the person who has spent many years loving and supporting you. Never take this love and support for granted.

 

Your family are supportive, they always will be. But you find it difficult to look your friends in the eye through shame and embarrassment.

 

This is only a snapshot. You will have to endure months, if not years, of life like this.

 

It's not worth it. Turn away while you have the chance and find other things that to pour your energy into. Things that will enrich your life.

 

Your husband will never know how truly sorry you are. You can tell him but it does not un-do the mess you have caused.

 

Be smart and be wise and do the right thing.

[Jersey born raised]

Welcome back. I read your thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/598048-mess-after-affair

 

BS speak at length about remorse. We judge reponses harshly as WS confuse regret and remorse. Remember graduation day from HS with all the teary eyes. They knew HS was over. They knew the life they had and value was over. Put how many really wanted to stay. They regret losing the HS experience but did not have remorse.

 

Reading this post I sense real remorse. How has the remorse figured into reattaching to your husband. Has he removed alchol from the house. Has he admitted he had a problem and is he addressing it? Binge drinking is a serious problem. He might not be an alcoholic technically but in a sense he is when he drinks. Bottom line why insist on something that foolish and destroy your marriage?

 

Keep posting. Take what you need from the responses. Before you discard and leave a poster's reply respond thoughtfully and ask them to clarify in specifics. Wisdom is often found this way. In a sense I am asking you to grow your thoughts and actions in a bias. Bias are strongly held beliefs but you are open to changing them - IF after lengthy discussions, reading, and consideration you reach a new bias.